The Unbelievable Truth - 12x04 Women, Japan, Owls, Potatoes

Episode Date: December 22, 2021

12x04 20 January 2014 Lloyd Langford, Lucy Porter, Tom Wrigglesworth, Fred MacAulay Women, Japan, Owls, Potatoes

We present The Unbelievable Truth, the panel game built on truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. Hello and welcome to In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. Hello and welcome to The Unbelievable Truth, the panel show about incredible truths and barely credible lies. I'm David Mitchell, and I'm pleased to tell you we're coming to you once again from the Edinburgh Fringe. Yes, it's pretty much our last chance before devolution. Tonight I'm joined by four comedians who are all raring to go, but

happily we've persuaded them to stay. Please welcome Lucy Porter, Tom Rigglesworth, Lloyd Langford and Fred McCauley. The rules are as follows. Each panelist will present a short lecture that should be entirely false, save for five pieces of true information which they should

attempt to smuggle past their opponents, cunningly concealed amongst the lies. Points are scored by truths that go unnoticed, while other panellists can win points if they spot a truth, or lose points if they mistake a lie for a truth. We'll begin with Lloyd Langford, Wales' answer to the question, who's coming on the show today who's from Wales. Lloyd, your subject is women, described by my dictionary as female adult human beings typically capable of giving birth. That's certainly how I like to think of it. Off you go, Lloyd. Fingers on buzzers, the rest of you.

God created woman on the fourth day after his editor told him that his book needed more characters and possibly a villain. his editor told him that his book needed more characters and possibly a villain. An average woman weighs about the same as 183 rats, but it is very difficult to get the rats and the woman to keep on their respective weighing scales. Fred, I'm in with the weight thing. 183 rats of indeterminate size could weigh the same as a woman.

You're absolutely right. The average woman... APPLAUSE The average woman in England weighs 70.2 kilograms, equivalent to 183 domesticated male rats. I hadn't been thinking of domesticated male rats, I have to be honest. Oh, well, in which case you're way off, because the average woman weighs the same as 255 domesticated female rats or 128 wild male brown rats.

So, Lloyd. There are subtle indicators to help you differentiate between men and women. Physiologically speaking, the female body has an extra rib, smellier feet, and also contains Fovrington's inhibitor, a small tendon at the base of the wrist preventing them from being able to throw. Lucy. Do we not have an extra rib, or am I just insane? I don't think it's one or the other. Women don't have an extra rib, but I think your sanity is still, you know, possibly with us.

Yeah, in hindsight hindsight I feel a fool and I feel I've let my gender down quite badly I'm very sorry to the other women in the audience in the bible the woman was made out of one of the man's ribs is that what you think of if that's how humans reproduce you know snap off a rib and then it would be but what never happened is that Eve's rib was never taken off to make the third gender. So what you're saying is the Bible is rubbish? I'm just saying there are elements of it that haven't been proven. That's as far as I'm willing to go in this world where it's so easy for people to get hold of your address.

Some moral purists in the Middle Ages believed that women's ears ought to be covered up because the Virgin Mary had conceived a child through them. This is the origin of the term earmuffs. A Penelope Pitstop is a groupie for Formula One drivers. A Buckle Bunny is a woman who goes to rodeos with the express intent of having sex with a cowboy. Lucy. Buckle Bunny is a woman who goes to rodeos with the express intent of having sex with a cowboy. Lucy. Buckle bunny? Yes. Yeah.

Why wouldn't you? Cowboys? You're absolutely right, Lucy. A buckle bunny is... The name derives from the belt buckle prizes awarded to rodeo winners, and a slang term for women,nies i don't know i don't really understand the whole bunny is there a sort of secret subconscious male desire to have sex

with rabbits is that because i've never found the rabbit a particularly alluring creature who hefner's made a career out of it why though why does it add to the allure of a woman if she's more like a rabbit i don't understand i've always found the human the most sexy of all the animals. And the rabbit is not second. What is second? What is second? Well, logically, it should be some form of ape, you know, a monkey, a gorilla, you know,

but I don't actually find that. I wonder what animal second to the human. Penguins are quite alluring. You'd go for a penguin? You'd pick up a penguin. I think I'd quite like... I think an otter.

No, Terry Nutkins will tell you what an otter can do. They'd bit his finger off. Imagine if you went at them with something else. I'm not saying it's right. You just asked me the question, what's the second sexiest of all the animals to me, a human, after the human, and I went for otter.

I could have said ant. That wouldn't be... You wouldn't have believed me, would you? They can carry, like, 100 times their own weight, but I think the ant would have to be on top. Anyway. I think the platypus has got enough going on to keep you interested. In Boy's, Idaho, it is illegal for a woman to wear hot pants on a weekend.

According to recent research on 16,000 women, the more curvy a woman, the more intelligent she is. Victoria Beckham handed the survey back with just a crayon drawing of a flower on it. Tom? I think there was some study into a woman's curvaceous nature and the correlation with her IQ. You're right, that is true.

In 2007, researchers at Pittsburgh and California universities revealed that women with curvy figures are likely to be brighter than their waif-like counterparts and may well produce more intelligent offspring. Researchers studied 16,000 women and girls and found the more voluptuous performed better at cognitive tests, as did their children. Monopoly, parquet flooring, the cummerbund and the shotgun

were all invented by a woman. Oh, yes, sorry, that was the end of Lloyd's. You got in with a late buzz there, Tom. Yes, I have. I think one of those are true. Monopoly, parquet flooring, the cumabund and the shotgun. There they are. On the Generation Game conveyor belt. Parquet flooring.

You think parquet flooring? Yeah. It's not. No. That was not invented by a woman. Oh, they're all having a crack now. Lucy. The shotgun.

No. No. That was not invented by a woman. This could be points carnage. Just say Monopoly, Fred. Keep coming. Just say Monopoly. You don't have to, Fred. Go on, Fred.

Could cost you a point, could gain you a point. Staring you in the face, Fred. Fred. Is it the hot pants in Boise, Idaho? No. Monopoly? Yes, Monopoly was invented by a woman, which means you lose a point and gain a point.

In 1903, Lizzie Phillips created The Landlord's Game, a self-published board game intended to illustrate the negative aspects of concentrating land in private monopolies. It wasn't quite monopoly, but monopoly was based on it. And that's the end of your lecture. Thank you, Lloyd. And at the end of that round, Lloyd, you've managed to smuggle one truth

past the rest of the panel after that late frenzy of buzzing, which is that in the Middle Ages, people believed that women's ears should be covered because God caused the conception of Jesusesus by speaking into mary's ear and many depictions of the conception dating from little ages show the fully formed baby jesus descending from heaven into mary's ears rather than her womb anyway that means lloyd you've scored one point OK, we turn now to Lucy Porter. Your subject, Lucy, is Japan,

a major economic nation located in the Pacific Ocean off the east coast of Asia and a world leader in electronics and car manufacturing. Off you go, Lucy. Being Japanese myself, I'm always glad of the opportunity to educate you Westerners about our culture. My country, Japan, is formed of 6,852 islands,

the largest being Hoshito, which is uninhabited. Considered a cursed and godforsaken place, it translates in English as the Isle of Man. We Japanese are the most superstitious race on Earth. Among the things we believe to be lucky are big heads, loud voices and clean toilets. This means that on many islands, the Sillip Bang spokesman Barry Scott is worshipped as a god.

They have the same superstition in Glasgow. If you find a clean toilet, you can count yourself lucky. Japanese couples are dishonoured if their children don't grow up to be good-looking and clever, and as a result, in Japan, only 2% of adoptions are of children. 98% are adult males with an impressive CV. In Japan, the age of consent is 1963 to 1971.

If you think the 1991 incident when President George H.W. Bush vomited at a banquet hosted by the Japanese Emperor was shameful, it was viewed very differently in Japan, where a small amount of sick is considered a compliment to a host's over-generous provision of food. Fred.

There has to be a truth at some point in this lecture. So I'm going to go for... Oh, no, I can't. It can't be that. It can't be a little amount of sick being a compliment. I mean, a burp, maybe burp, but if you accidentally bring something up with the burp, it's still a compliment.

I mean, George Bush did throw up. In a way, this is the sort of thing that should have happened silently on your head before you. Don't tell me I'm saying this out loud. Yeah, a bit of sick. I'm sorry it isn't. That's not true. As its technology advances apace,

Japan has been quick to legislate accordingly. It is now legal for a woman to marry a household appliance, robots pay union dues, and there is a popular TV soap opera performed entirely by androids. It's described as a better- better acted version of Hollyoaks. Tom. I would imagine they have a soap opera that is performed entirely by robots.

They don't. It'll be in the pipeline if it's not already. Well, you pitch it. Get it going. I'd be happy to. Lloyd. Can a Japanese woman marry a household appliance? No. Oh, Lloyd. Can a Japanese woman marry a household appliance? No.

Oh, Lloyd. No, she can't. I was just wondering. It wasn't a formal challenge. In my soap opera, they can. For several years in the Suzuki Formula One Grand Prix, the British drivers Mark Blundell and Martin Brundle were not allowed to compete in the same race,

in fairness to the Japanese commentators. Remember, I'm Japanese, so it's not racist. As of 2008, it is now illegal to be overweight in Japan, which has led to a revolution in the world of sumo wrestling. Not only are the participants required to weigh less than 150 pounds, or ten and a half stone, they also have to throw a low-sodium salt substitute over their shoulders as they enter the ring.

The middle name of Japan's Prime Minister, Ichita Yamamoto, is takumi, which means buttocks. Fred. I think I just got in ahead of Tom for means buttocks. Fred? I think I just got in ahead of Tom for the buttocks. And I appear to have said that out loud again. Is his middle name something that means buttocks? No. And that's the end of Lucy's lecture.

Thank you, Lucy. At the end of that lecture, Lucy, you have smuggled five truths past the rest of the panel. And they are that Japan is formed of 6,852 islands, although only 420 to 430 of these are inhabited. An island is defined as an area of land more than 100 metres in circumference, so not just little rocks, proper islands. The second truth is that the Japanese believe that a clean toilet brings good fortune.

The third truth is that in Japan only 2% of adoptions are of children. 98% are adult males. Japan has the world's second highest adoption rate of over 80,000 a year, but the majority of these are men in their 20s and 30s. It's a uniquely Japanese form of adoption called mukuyoshi, the pragmatic intention being to adopt a capable man into the family in order to continue the family business or to carry on a family name. That's just employment. No, well, I think it's quite often done if a family only has daughters and one of the husbands of the daughter seems like a particularly good chap,

then you'd make him officially your son and then your name would continue and your property would go through him. But then he's married to his sister. But she wasn't his sister when he married her, which is the crucial point. That's actually the plot line for episode one of Robot Island. The fourth truth is that in Japan, robots sometimes pay union dues.

Local agreements were brought in during the 1980s after union finances suffered as a result of the replacement of humans with robots. What it basically means, obviously, is the company pays a certain amount to the union per robot robots can't own property that's one of the great things about your scheme tom you won't have to pay these but you will have to pay equity and the final truth is that as of 2008 it is now illegal to be overweight in japan under the law

companies and local governments measure the waistlines of japanese people between the ages of 40 and 74 anyone found to exceed the waist measurements of 33 and a half inches for men or 34 and a half inches for women is told to lose weight nec japan's largest manufacturer of personal computers said if it failed to meet the weight reduction target set for its staff it could incur is told to lose weight. NEC, Japan's largest manufacturer of personal computers, said if it failed to meet the weight reduction target set for its staff, it could incur as much as $19 million in penalties. So it is illegal, but it sounds like your employer takes the rap for your being fat.

Anyway, it's not a very good sign about our sort of cultural empathy for the Japanese that we got none of the truth. But that means Lucy that you have magnificently scored five points weasels are a delicacy in Japan as are whole rats and frogs if you want all three together simply ask for the wind in the willows mixed grill next up is Tom Rigglesworth your subject Tom, Tom, is owls. Nocturnal birds of prey known for their broad heads,

large forward-facing eyes, small hooked beaks and typical diet of small mammals. Off you go, Tom. Many owls are equipped with laser-emitting eyes and have lopsided ears. Both of these attributes are in fact useless because the majority of owls have very poor eyesight and hearing, instead relying on their specially adapted nostrils

that allow them to smell in the dark. In northern Italy, the owl is hunted for its mating call. This led to a crisis summit meeting of the heads of the various owl factions who decided that the best plan of action would be to breed out the traditional twit-to-roo sound by introducing the DNA of Silvio Berlusconi. The plan worked beautifully and the huntsmen have been completely eluded out the traditional twit-to-oo sound by introducing the DNA of Silvio Berlusconi. The plan worked beautifully and the huntsmen have been completely eluded, as some owls have been heard making the noise bunga bunga. Adrian Childs and Fiona Bruce have clauses

in their contracts excusing them from owl-related stories, because, like Eminem, they both suffer from a morbid fear of owls. Lloyd. So I think one of those has a fear of owls. Who is it? Adrian Childs, Fiona Bruce and the rapper Eminem. Yes. Eminem. You think Eminem fears owls? Yes.

He does. Eminem has said he has a serious fear of owls. Fear of owls is a common component of ornithophobia, which is a fear of birds. If you fear birds, you're going to fear the wisest of the birds the most. The ringleader. It's interesting that in the birds, in the film The Birds, I don't remember there being an owl.

That would be in The Birds 2. You meet the owl who's orchestrating them. The don. Yeah, sitting there with a small white cat on its knee. I don't know how that would work. A field mouse? Yes, an albino field mouse on its knee. It wouldn't have to turn the chair around

because it could just do its head in a 360. It's spooky. Owls are unique in the reptile world as they can turn their heads all the way around three times in a clockwise direction. Once the owl has reached its rotary action limit, it will grip the branch with its beak and let go with its feet,

allowing its body to whiz round and unwind itself. Australian owls turn their heads the other way. In Australia, to suggest that someone is like an owl means they are overdressed for the occasion. You might hear one say, Struth, mate, your clothes weigh more than you do. To which you might reply, That's right, an owl's feathers weigh more than its bones.

Feathers weigh more than bones. Don't be ridiculous, Lucy. Look harder than that. How can feathers weigh more than bones? Well, in lots of ways, there could be many more more than bones. Don't be ridiculous, Lucy. Look harder than that. How can feathers weigh more than bones? Well, in lots of ways. There could be many more feathers than bones. Or it could be that the owl's feathers do weigh more than its bones, which is, in fact, true.

Well done. When Michael Gove was president of the Bullingdon Club at Cambridge University, he laid on a feast featuring poached goldfish and roast owl. He described the experience as an education. Lloyd. I seem to remember during these kind of university Oxbridge feasts, they sometimes have a special meal where they try and eat as many different types of animal in one go. So I think they probably did eat owl.

Well, Michael Gove didn't eat owl, and he wasn't president of the Bullingdon Club, so that's not true. What is true is that Charles Darwin was a member of a club called the Glutton Club at Cambridge, which tried to eat lots of different mad animals, and they ate owl, which Darwin described as indescribable. I once, right, I was at a fancy french restaurant and i had duck's neck and it was served at the start duck's neck all right and there was two nicest part of the duck isn't it well it was one of those on my farm we throw away

the body exactly it was one of those fancy places yeah so you're eating like a tube of meat, and it was nice, but obviously, because I was there with my wife, right, and we'd been going out for ages, so it was OK to do this, I start blowing down the neck, and it quacked. So I ate round it, and honestly, I stripped out, it looked like a little hip bone, about the size of a pound coin, and I'd isolated the duck's quack. And it was a sort of membrane that was a little hip bone about the size of a pound coin and I'd isolated the duck's quack and it was a sort of um membrane that was a little bit rigid but still flexible and when you

what a fun dish for Christmas that would be wouldn't it instead of those you know party blower things that sort of unfurl but go wrong almost immediately just give everyone a succulent duck's neck and there's a lovely little quacker surprise in the middle. Because obviously the duck hasn't got a complicated voice box like us and just chooses to quack. It's only got the ability to make that noise. If you ate the throat of a human

you could probably do an uncanny impression of them if you blew through it, which would actually be the final indignity. You ate someone and then you end up mocking them but in a brilliant way because you actually have the use indignity, wouldn't it? It's just you etch someone and then you end up mocking them, but in a brilliant way, because you actually have the use of their actual voice box. I believe that's how Alistair McGowan works.

So thank you, Tom. At the end of that round, Tom, you've managed to smuggle two truths past the rest of the panel. The first one is that owls have lopsided ears. Many owls have one ear higher than the other, as this helps them to pinpoint exactly the location of their prey. I can't for a moment see how, but apparently it does. And the second truth is that in Korea, owls go, they sort of go, bunga bunga.

They go bung bung, or similar. But obviously we just allowed Tom a little latitude there because it did involve a joke about Silvio Berlusconi, and all of us in comedy want as many of those as possible. Anyway, at the end of that round, Tom, you've scored two points. A tawny owl's eyes are 100 times more sensitive to light than ours. They can still see even if the light level is reduced to the brightness of a single candle 500 metres away.

Or, as they say in Scotland, a scorcher. We move now to our final panellist, and in a sensational turn of events here at the Edinburgh Fringe, we have an actual Scotsman on the panel, Fred McCauley. Fred is celebrating his 25th consecutive year at the Edinburgh Fringe. 25 years ago, of course, the Fringe was much smaller and there were only far too many comedians. Your subject, Fred, is potatoes,

starchy, edible tubers commonly eaten as vegetables, either mashed, roasted or fried. Off you go Fred. Potatoes. Potatoes have been in Britain for thousands of years having been introduced by the Romans in 55 BC. Before chips. There was another attempt to introduce the potato to Scotland

ten years later. This time because preachers from the wee free kirk of Orientar said that they should wait until Jesus was born to see what the Bible said about potatoes. Years later when the Bible came out and there was no mention of potatoes in it, the clergy banned

them. Lloyd? I think there's no mention of potatoes in the Bible. You're right, there's no mention of potatoes in the Bible. And more than that as a result the clergy in scotland banned potatoes in the freezing winters of late 17th century ireland the jacket potato was developed baked potato skins were sewn together to create an actual jacket potato potato jacket it provided warmth until the people were starving. Then they ate the jackets and froze to death. According to Isaac Asimov's laws of potatoes,

a potato may not injure a human being or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm. A potato would rather cause harm to itself than to a human, even in some cases liable to commit suicide. Playing the crop cheery music such as Jedward's greatest hits has actually been found to increase suicide rates. The Scots refer to the French as les tattihides.

Possibly because when the French adopted the humble spud it was not as a foodstuff, rather as an adornment for their hair in high society, where the wearers were referred to as Monsieur et Madame Tête de Pomme de Terre. Back in Britain, we scoffed at those foolish French while scoffing our potatoes as a lovely pudding with which to finish dinner. Lucy.

My mum serves potatoes three ways with every meal. If she could do a pudding, she would. So I think that someone has done a pudding of potatoes. You're right. The first potatoes introduced into Britain were used to make desserts. One surviving recipe from an Elizabethan potato pie mixes boiled potatoes with ingredients such as sugar, butter, dates, almonds and candied oranges and lemons.

So you can look forward to that, Lucy, when you next go home. With our duck necks at Christmas. Admiral Lord Nelson famously sent back his fish supper with the words, I see no chips. In the modern era, thank you, in the modern era, the Duchess of Cambridge grows her own potatoes while her sister Pippa has, as you all know, a potato-shaped bottom. Thank you, Fred.

Oh, Lloyd. Does the Duchess of Cambridge grow her own potatoes? Is that a euphemism? Yes, she does. Yes, well done. During a visit to a community garden project in Newcastle in 2012, the Duchess revealed to gardener Emma Hughes that she grows potatoes in sacks,

although the Duchess also revealed that compared to Ms Hughes's, hers were a little on the small side. That certainly sounds like a scintillating exchange. Anyway, at the end of that round, you've managed to smuggle two truths past the rest of the panel, which are that potatoes can commit suicide. Oh, I was going to buzz for that. Scientists from the Max Planck Plant Breeding Institute in Cologne

have genetically engineered potatoes that commit suicide if infected by disease, thus preventing the spread of that disease and so reducing the need for pesticides, which sounds both very clever and nightmarish. Imagine that slipped into the water system and we all started desperately killing ourselves if we got a cold. The second truth is that the French aristocracy helped popularise potatoes in France

by wearing potato blossoms in their hair. And it was because up until the late 18th century, most French people believed potatoes caused leprosy and syphilis. And that means, Fred, you've scored two points. When the Pope visited Miami, t-shirts were printed for the Spanish market, but instead of I saw El Papa, or the Pope, the shirts read I saw La Papa, or the potato. The manufacturers are still holding on to several boxes of them in the vain hope of a visit from Adrian Childs. The Scots were initially reluctant to embrace the potato

as it was not mentioned in the Bible, thus it could not be fit for human consumption. Unlike that bit in Leviticus where Haggis gets a big thumbs up. Which brings us to the final scores. In joint third place, with minus two points each, we have Fred McCauley and Tom Rigglesworth. In second place, with minus one point, it's Lloyd Langford. And in first place, with a frankly ridiculous six points,

it's this week's winner, Lucy Porter. That's about it for this week from the Festival Fringe in Edinburgh. All that remains is for me to thank our guests. Goodbye. The Unbelievable Truth was divided by John Nesmith and Graham Garden and featured David Mitchell in the chair, with panellists Lucy Porter, Lloyd Langford, Tom Riddlesworth and Fred McCauley. Thank you.