The Unbelievable Truth - 12x05 Board games, Salt, Guinea pigs, Actors

Episode Date: December 22, 2021

12x05 27 January 2014 Marcus Brigstocke, Holly Walsh, John Finnemore, Rufus Hound Board games, Salt, Guinea pigs, Actors

We present The Unbelievable Truth, the panel game built on truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. Hello and welcome to In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. Hello and welcome to The Unbelievable Truth, the panel show about incredible truths and barely credible lies. I'm David Mitchell. It's the show which, according to one hospital radio station, is the single most influential factor in encouraging patients to continue with their treatment.

And our thanks to all at Dignitas FM for letting us know. On our panel this week are four comedians who always manage to get the audience going, but please do try to stay in your seats for as long as you can. They are Rufus Hound, Holly Walsh, John Finnemore and Marcus Brigstocke. The rules are as follows. Each panellist will present a short lecture that should be entirely false, save for five pieces of true information,

which they should attempt to smuggle past their opponents, cunningly concealed amongst the lies. Points are scored by truths that go unnoticed, while other panellists can win points if they spot a truth or lose points if they mistake a lie for a truth. First up is Marcus Brickstock. Marcus, your subject is board games indoor games involving strategy and chance that often require the movement of counters or other

objects on a specially designed board off you go marcus fingers on buzzers the rest of you board games since its launch earlier this year the unbelievable truth board game featuring miniaturised David Mitchell's cast in lead has sold over three units and is already being called the mustn't have gift this Christmas. Last year alone in over 800 divorces Monopoly was cited as the main reason for marriage breakdown. The longest Monopoly game ever lasted 1,680 hours. I think that fact about the longest game of Monopoly might be true, but what was the first part of that? Last year

800 divorces, Monopoly was cited as the main reason for marriage break. No, no, it was monogamy. Oh, yes. You're buzzing in with the longest Monopoly game, is it? I mean, I wasn't really. I was just trying to crowbar in my joke about monogamy, to be honest. Well, thank you for that.

But I will also claim the longest game was that long. Well, you're right to claim that, because it's true. According to Hasbro, the longest ever game lasted 1680 hours, or 70 days straight. Setting up the pokey straw things for a game of Kaplunk takes an average family six to seven hours, with a playing time of around two minutes. Chess is endlessly fascinating,

unless you have a computer or a book or anything. or a book or anything. Rufus. That is true. Now, I don't think it's endlessly fascinating, you know, even if you don't have a computer or a book or anything. That's rubbish. You've got the vibe of a man who likes chess.

Hang on. Or anything is what he ended that sentence with, right? Yes. So if there was nothing to occupy the human mind, only chess, then chess would be endlessly fascinating. No, it would be played endlessly. At no point would it become fascinating.

Yeah, but you would be fascinated by it because it was the only thing that would occupy the human mind. That's not true. I don't think you'd be fascinated by it. I think you'd use it to kill yourself. By driving the players down your throat. I still think I'm sort of right on

some level. But that's very you. No. The number of possible combinations of moves in a game of chess is more than the total number of atoms in the known universe. John? It is huge, isn't it? Yes, I believe that's true.

It is true. Yes, well done. The number of possible different chess games that can be played was calculated by Claude Shannon as 10 to the power of 120, whereas the approximate number of atoms in the observable universe is thought to be much less, around 10 to the power of 80. Which might explain why the longest game of chess lasted over 50 years. What a fun way to waste your life. Rufus? I think I know that to be true. It was a postal game, wasn't it, where they sent the moves backwards and forwards, and it did last over 50 years.

You're absolutely right, yes. A chess match between Dr Munro McLennan and Lawrence Grant began when they were both university students in Scotland in November 1926 and continued into the 1980s. They moved their pieces by correspondence in Christmas letters. Chess boxing involves alternating rounds of punching each other as hard as you can and playing chess. John?

Yes, it does. Yes, it does. Events are organised by the World Chess Boxing Organisation and bouts are comprised of 11 alternate rounds of chess and boxing. The game is described as the ultimate test of brains and brawn. I'm not into chess. I thought it was quite a boring game. But that definitely makes it worse. I would prefer to play chess than boxing.

Oh, yeah. Karate Kaplunk is awful. Awful. In chess boxing, which do you start with? The chess, because one obviously has to come first. If it's the boxing that comes first, I'm pretty sure Mike Tyson could be the world chess boxer. Because anyone into chess boxing is not going to last past the first round, are they?

Yes, I see what you mean. So Tyson versus Kasparov. An awful lot would depend on the coin toss. Oh, that's a bad draw for Kasparov. It is the boxing first, and it's over. Maybe if Mike Tyson is handicapped by not being allowed to take his gloves off. I don't get it. I can't move my queen.

How am I meant to conduct an en passant in these things? In 1912, a baker dropped some dough into a toilet and instead of flushing it, turned his now famous Ludo into a game. The Ludo championships are still played in public toilets to this day. In Finland, a board game called How to Make Children was launched to interest teenage boys in the reproductive side of sex. The aim is to try to land on a fertility square in mid-ovulation. Holly.

I bet that is true. It is true. Yes. The game was devised in 1996 by Finnish health expert, Professor Seija Sivola, who said, everybody gets pregnant in the game, even the boys. It even features special sperm and egg dice.

Nice. Yeah. Thank you, Marcus. Well, at the end of that round, Marcus, you've managed to smuggle no truths past the rest of the panel. How did it go otherwise? So that means, Marcus, that you've managed to smuggle no truths past the rest of the panel. How did it go otherwise? So that means, Marcus, that you've scored no points. Right.

Right. OK, we turn now to Holly Walsh. Your subject, Holly, is salt, a colourless or white crystalline compound which is commonly used for seasoning and preserving food. Off you go, Holly. As well as being by far the most popular crisp flavour, salt and vinegar are also the ingredients for a rudimentary explosive. This is why walkers are now on their fifth Gary Lineker.

Marcus. I think salt and vinegar, if not the most popular, is certainly the best crisp flavour. So I'm going to say it not the most popular, is certainly the best crisp flavour. So I'm going to say it is the most popular, because I like it best. It is not. It is the third most popular. What third?

Ridiculous. After what? After... Ready salted, surely. Ready salted, I'm afraid to say, which is my favourite flavour... What? ...is in second place the most popular crisp

flavour in this country. This better not be cheese and onion. Of course it's cheese and onion! Ridiculous. There are people celebrating in the audience. Cheese and onion fans, one in particular, going wild tonight. The cheese and onion people celebrating their victory. Yeah, alone

with their terrible breath. Ruka's salt from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory was named after the least popular Walker's Crisp flavour ever. After roast chicken. The nearest salt has come to the white heat of technology was in the original series of Star Trek when Dr McCoy's medical scanner

was just an ordinary salt cellar. Marcus. Yes, I think his scanner might have been a salt cellar. I think in the original series, budgets might have been low enough to justify that. You're absolutely right. Get in. The first show of the first season of star trek entitled the man trap involved an

alien creature that craved salt according to star trek creator gene roddenberry he asked the props department to find some futuristic looking salt sellers for use in the episode however on seeing the eight salt sellers they provided he was convinced they were so exotic looking that the audience would never recognize them as salt sellersars. As a result, all eight salt cellars became Dr McCoy's operating instruments in the ship's sickbay. In Iceland, it's traditional to throw salt at weddings to make sure the bride doesn't freeze. This can be hugely dangerous, particularly if one of the happy couple is a slug. In Africa, the witch's house in Hansel and Gretel

is made of salt instead of gingerbread. This is because, like the rest of the Spice Girls, African children hate ginger. And in France, salt is used instead of sawdust to clean up sick during school assemblies. Rufus. Is that true? The sick, salt-sick clean-up. Salt-sick clean-up. No. You're Is that true? The sick. Salt sick clean up. Salt sick

clean up. No. You're thinking of red wine on carpet. Which to be fair in a French school is perfectly possible. According to the Oxford English Dictionary in the 16th and 17th century the word salt also meant sexual desire or excitement usually of a bitch.

Rufus. I think salt probably did mean that then. Yes, it did. Yeah. Yes, according to the OED in the 16th and 17th centuries. This is despite a recent finding by scientists from the Wiseman Institute in Israel that women's salt tears contain a chemical signal that actually reduces sexual arousal in men.

Is that right? So it's harder to have sex with a crying woman. But not impossible. Instead of Sweet 16, Victorians celebrated Salty 16, as Victorian children were traditionally given their own salt cellar as a sign of being a grown-up. Salt cellars could be used as ID to buy cigarettes and fireworks. This is a little-known fact, but loads of salt is actually the secret ingredient in all KFC recipes.

The Colonel even has his own salt mine in Poland, nicknamed Little Kentucky. This salt mine is one of Poland's biggest tourist attractions, and was also the backdrop for Tattoos, All the Things She Said music video because of its crowd-pleasing fences. Marcus? Yes, I think a salt mine in Poland might have been the location for Tattoos,

All the Things She Said video. No, it wasn't. I mean, there is a salt mine that's one of Poland's biggest tourist attractions because I've been there but it's not owned by Kentucky Fried Chicken You've been to the number one tourist attraction salt mine in Poland I don't think it's number one but it's right up there

Right up there with Auschwitz And right next to Auschwitz as it happens Poland sounds like a great place for a holiday I was thinking of going to Russia a couple of weeks ago, but now I'm thinking maybe Poland. Thank you, Holly. Well, at the end of that round, Holly, you've managed to smuggle three truths past the rest of the panel. And they are that salt and vinegar can make a rudimentary explosive that's not the salt sodium chloride but the salt baking soda or sodium bicarbonate which when mixed

with vinegar it results in a rapid chemical reaction as the base salt and acidic vinegar form carbon dioxide that's a heck of a crisp. Yeah. The second truth is that in Africa, the witch's house in Hansel and Gretel is made of salt instead of gingerbread. Salt is considered a delicacy in parts of Africa, and as a result, is much more highly prized by children than sweets. And the third

truth is that Victorian children were often given a salt cellar as a sign of being a grown-up. And that means, at the end of that round, Holly, you've scored three points. A common wedding present in North East Scotland used to be a chamber pot full of salt, or as they called it, a salad. Tibetan tea is traditionally drunk with salt and rancid yak butter and always served with the traditional words,

have you ever been to a harvester before? Next up is John Finnemore. John is here as part of an initiative to bring the voice of disaffected urban youth to Radio 4. Well, he was a few years younger than me at Cambridge, so it's a start at least. Your subject, John, is guinea pigs, also known as cavies. Short-eared, tailless rodents, typically kept as pets and widely used in laboratory research.

Off you go, John. Guinea pigs. Guinea pigs are, as the name suggests, a type of pig and originated in New Guinea. Early ancestors of the guinea pig had thick, woolly pelts rather than fur, long tails with bristly ends, cloven feet, and horns. Also, they were the size of bison. Actually, you know what, I might just be thinking of bison. Although guinea pigs originate in New Guinea, as I truthfully told you earlier,

they quickly got to the Middle East somehow, maybe on a raft. And are mentioned in the bible proverbs 30 26 though the cavies are but a feeble tribe yet they make their dwelling place among the rocks marcus i'm pretty sure guinea pigs are mentioned in the bible no they're not well i'm pretty sure they are no they came from south america and none of the things that came from south america were evident in the middle east around the time the Bible was made. What about the name Jesus? In fact, very cleverly, that verse of the Bible that John quoted

is from the Bible, except it wasn't about cavies, but conies, or rabbits. John. Proverbs 30, 27 goes on to say, And behold ye also the hamsters, even feebler, and yet they passeth across the face of the earth in those plastic ball things. It maketh ye think, doff it not.

Jesus almost certainly ate guinea pig. Rufus. I'll buy that for a dollar. Why? He could walk on water,itchell yeah yeah he had a chat with the devil he was magic jesus but was a magic man there was nothing he healed the sick why would he have chosen of all the things to use his magic for yeah to eat a at this point unknown yeah in the middle east american rodent right in the holy trinity right jesus god the holy spirit they're the same thing yeah god is omnipotent yeah right and god is within us all it says all of this in the bible

check your facts if god is within us all via the says all of this in the Bible. Check your facts. If God is within us all via the Holy Spirit and somebody somewhere has eaten a guinea pig and Jesus is part of the Holy Trinity, then Jesus has eaten a guinea pig. Jesus did not eat a guinea pig. The more I hear about this Bible book of yours, the less I trust the facts in it. Extraordinary.

Jesus almost certainly ate guinea pig. Indeed, a painting in Cusco Cathedral shows him and the disciples dining on a roast guinea pig at the Last Supper, with a side order of gerbil fries and a flagon of goldfish juice. Rufus.

Welcome back. Yeah. I'm a glutton for punishment, but is there a mural that depicts Jesus eating a guinea pig because the painter wouldn't have known that they didn't know what guinea pigs were and by that point, people were eating guinea pigs and so they painted it, even though historically it's inaccurate.

Oh, yeah, yeah, there's that. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, there's that. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yes, in the 1755 painting by local artist Marcos Zapata, the platter in front of Jesus bears a large roasted guinea pig, and the disciples seem to be drinking chichi, a fermented maize beer. Guinea pigs are still regarded as a delicacy in Peru and are commonly found on restaurant menus and consumed on festive occasions.

John. In Germany, it is illegal to own more than one guinea pig unless you work in a brewery. In Switzerland, it is illegal to own only one guinea pig. And in France, it is illegal to use any of these endless weird law facts in their version of this show, La Verite Incroyable. Avec tes vides, Michel.

Rufus. I'm going to adopt a strategy here that was taught to me by John Finnemore, which is anytime somebody gives you a list, one thing within that list is probably true. So, the options are that it's either illegal to own one guinea pig in Switzerland.

That's the one. That's the one. It's illegal to own only one guinea pig in Switzerland. The Swiss will tolerate a lot, but they will not tolerate the loneliness hewn into the face of a rodent. I think they think that they're a social animal and it's cruel to own only one, and they made a law for it.

You are absolutely right. Oh! It's an animal welfare law that forbids people from keeping just one pet that belongs to any social species, such as guinea pigs, as the animals get lonely without companionship. To keep pet owners from breaking the law, Prisca Kung has started a guinea pig matchmaking service

in the village of Hadlikon near Zurich, and if one of your guinea pigs dies, she will rent you a new one to keep the surviving pet company and prevent you from breaking the law. Hang on a minute. A guinea pimp? John. Contrary to popular belief, guinea pigs are generally only ever used in clinical tests

as diagnosticians, a job at which they excel. The procedure is simple. The patient lies down, the doctor produces his guinea pig, passes it slowly over the body, and waits for it to squeak if it senses a hurty bit. Churchill named a destroyer the HMS Cavey.

And President Roosevelt gave an American guinea pig the title of Admiral. Rufus. Roosevelt. You're right. Back of the net. Theodore Roosevelt owned five guinea pigs called Admiral Dewey, Dr Johnson, Bishop Doan,

Fighting Bob Evans and Father O'Grady. That's the end of John's lecture. Thank you, John. And at the end of that round, John, you've managed to smuggle two truths past the rest of the panel, which are that early guinea pigs, or rather the ancestors of guinea pigs, were the size of bison. In 2003, archaeologists in Venezuela announced that they discovered the fossilized remains of a giant rodent resembling an enormous guinea pig about the size of a buffalo.

Nicknamed Guinea Zilla, the 8 million year old creature weighed 700 times as much as today's guinea pigs. It had 20-centimetre-long teeth and is thought to have been semi-aquatic. It roamed in packs and dined on seagrasses. Scientists believe that the creature may have died out because its giant size made it difficult to escape danger by burrowing and hiding.

Escape danger from what? The second truth is that folk doctors in the Andes use guinea pigs to detect illness, as they believe the animals are a supernatural medium. The doctors, known as curanderos, rub the rodents against the sick individual, believing that the animal will squeak when near the source of disease. And if the doctor wants to know if his cure has worked, he cuts open the guinea pig and studies its entrails. Makes perfect sense when you think about it. And that means, John, you've scored two points.

Next up is Rufus Hound. Your subject, Rufus, is actors, professional or amateur performers who assume the roles of characters in dramatic productions for stage, screen or radio. Off you go, Rufus. Ah, actors. What drives these cunning metamorphs?

Is it the noble desire to slavishly devote oneself to the business of truthful tale-telling, or is it in fact a cloying need to show off and be the centre of attention? Who can say, apart from anyone who has ever met an actor? The first recorded actor was Lovius of Icaria, whose stage name was Thespis. The contraction of this name to Thesp will be familiar to theatre fans from the phrase

the spotlight either points at me or I'm locking myself in my dressing room. Holly. I reckon there's something in that that that guy

was the first one. You're right. The thing in that is that that. That Thespis. He wasn't he wasn't called Lovius

but he was just called Thespis. Thespis of Icaria. Everyone was called Lovius. Isn't that what they call you love because they don't remember your Oh Lovies. of Ikaria. Everyone was called Lovius. Isn't that what they call you, love? Because they don't remember your... Oh, Lovies. Lovies.

Yeah, but not Lovius. Oh, no, Darling. Yeah, they call you Darling because they've forgotten your name. Yes, exactly. That's certainly what my wife does. That's funny. She always calls me by my name. It is a more memorable name isn't it

rufus it's more interesting than david everyone's called david very easy to get me mixed up anyway uh yes thespis was the first recorded actor um according to aristotle thespis was also the first to use solo speaking actors separate from the narrative chorus. Well, according to Aristotle, it was Thespis, but you know how these loveys bitch, so... You can't really know. Rufus. Thespis was the first actor to use stage make-up,

which also led to the first recorded use of the phrase, Oh, get her! Before the word actor was invented, the official name for actors was hypocrites, mainly due to the fact they claimed to hate being the centre of attention and never read their reviews. John? I wonder if hypocrites was what they were called. It is what they were called. Yes, well done.

Yes, the word hypocrite comes from the Greek word for actor, and actors were known by the ancient Greek and Latin term hypocrite up until the 15th century. Equity is happy to welcome actors of every species. Famous East Enders mutt Wellard is a full Equity member and has appeared in the Swords and Sandals blockbuster Gladiator alongside Russell Crowe. At the premiere, the director said he put in a reasonable performance, although I do think he misses Dean Gaffney, which was a bit of a surprise because I never knew Russell Crowe and Dean Gaffney had ever worked together. Clearly, then, becoming an actor is a one-way ticket

to fame, fortune and universal respect. If you're an actor and not internationally feted, you probably need a good kick up the backside, which, if you're Swedish, you'll think might just bring you the luck you need. Holly. I was going to gonna say i bet kick up the arse is a is like break a leg in sweden you're absolutely right yes

uh it's it's um it's a the way of wishing good luck if you're a swedish actor is a kick up the backside often with a knee uh in order to how far do they kick no with a knee not up to the knee. That amateur production of Moulin Rouge really got out of control. The French say merde. Do you know why? No.

Literally, I had this explained to me by the wonderful actor Tim McMullen this week. French actors wish each other merde, because in the 1800s, much like London, in Paris, horses were how everybody got around. So if you had large crowds come to your theatre, they would tread in with them plenty of horse manure. So you wished each other merde,

in the hope that your theatre would be full of the leftover, because there were so many people coming in and leaving the horse manure so you wished each other melt in the hope that your theater would be full of the leftover because there were so many people coming in and leaving the horse manure behind well i never did so if your theater's full of shit you're doing terribly terribly well and that's why we will rock you it's still on in the West End. Thank you, Rufus. And at the end of that round, you've managed to smuggle two truths past the rest of the panel, which are that Thespis, the first actor,

was also the first one to introduce stage make-up. And the second truth is that EastEnders dog Wellard is a full Equity member and appeared in the film Gladiator. And that means, Rufus, you've scored two points. In Fawlty Towers, when Manuel set himself on fire, actor Andrew Sachs suffered burns for which the BBC gave him £700 in compensation. Not sure how BBC compensation works, but it would seem he only felt one thousandth of the pain an executive feels on leaving. Which brings us to the final scores.

In fourth place, with minus three points, we have Marcus Brigstocke. In third place, with two points, it's John Finnemore. And in joint first place with four points each, it's this week's winners Rufus Hound and Holly Walsh. That's about it for this week. Goodbye. The Unbelievable Truth was devised by John Naismith

and Graham Garden and featured David Mitchell in the chair with panellists John Finnemore, Holly Walsh, Rufus Hound, and Marcus Brigstocke. The chairman's script was written by Dan Gaster and Kevin Swash, and the producer was John Nesmith. This was a random production of BBC Radio 4.