The Unbelievable Truth - 12x06 The Clergy, Beetles, Novels, The British

Episode Date: December 22, 2021

12x06 3 February 2014 Jeremy Hardy, Graeme Garden, Victoria Coren Mitchell, Henning Wehn The Clergy, Beetles, Novels, The British

We present The Unbelievable Truth, the panel game built on truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. Hello and welcome to The Unbelievable Truth, the panel show about incredible truths and fairly credible lies. I'm David Mitchell. On this week's panel are four A-list celebrities, which is to say they're all on A-list. Please welcome Victoria Corrin Mitchell, Henning Vane Mitchell, Graham Garden Mitchell, and Jeremy Hardy Mitchell. The rules are as follows. Each panelist will present a short lecture that should be entirely false, save for five pieces of true information which they should attempt to smuggle past their opponents, cunningly concealed amongst the lies. Points are scored by truths that go unnoticed, while other panellists can win points if they spot a truth, or lose points if they

mistake a lie for a truth. First up is Jeremy Hardy. Jeremy, your subject is the clergy, described by my encyclopedia as a body of people ordained to lead religious service. Off you go, Jeremy. Fingers on buzzers, the rest of you. The clergy. The many humorous names given to clergymen include Bishop Bishop, Bishop Rick, Cannon Fodder, Parson Snows, Pastor Pesto, Dean Martin, Ayatollah Pais, and Cardinal Sin. Victoria. There is a Cardinal Sin, or there was. You're right that there is a cardinal sin. Cardinal sin played an important role in the Philippines' transition to democracy after the dictatorship of Ferdinand Marcos.

I should breathe before I try and say things like that. So, yes, well done. You get a point. Such is the enforced penury of the religious profession that most clerics have had to find lucrative sidelines to make ends meet. A bishop of Raffo attempted to pay the bills by working nights as a highwayman on Hounslow Heath. Father Pat Hennessy of Kilkenny played hurling for the Ballyhale Shamrocks in the 1980s,

and the Islamic cleric Ibrahim Shahada performs as Abu Suaid Shoes, the Muslim Elvis. Graham. Yes, I'm going to go with the hurling player, the Irish hurling man. Pat Hennessy. Yeah. Playing for the Ballyhale Shamrocks.

Yeah. No. Who did he play for? In early Christian Rome, clergy would make extra cash by leaving little baskets of dried flowers in lavatories, a practice known as potpourri. Oh, shut up. The most gluttonous of all British medieval clergy

was George Neville as Archbishop of York, whose enthronement feast in 1465 included 1,000 eels, an omelette made with 4 four thousand nightingale's eggs, a bison stuffed with a cow, stuffed with a sheep, stuffed with a pig, stuffed with a hare, stuffed with a rabbit, stuffed with Paxo. Graham. Can I have the bill, please? I think that bishop, or whatever he was, that's his meal.

I haven't told you. He hasn't finished the meal yet. Go on, I may revise my opinion. You finish the meal. A partridge baked in a whole pear tree, 400 badger cubs cooked in their own fear, 104 peacocks and one slice of Wolves' Viennetta. At that time, England was joined to Rome by a Jurassic land

bridge. King Henry VIII knocked it down because he wanted to marry Anne of Green Gables, and Pope Clive wouldn't let him get a divorce from Jane Mansfield. In a fit of rage with the Holy Father, Henry was heard to shout, who will rid me of that turbocharged ponce? And some knights got hold of the wrong end of the stick and murdered Thomas the Tank Engine in the room hall. After this time, because stately homes were large and drafty and Catholic clergy were now out of work,

wealthy Catholics would make holes in their walls and stuff them with priests as a form of early cavity insulation. Victoria. Well, you do get priest holes in the wall, don't you, of old homes? Yeah, but they weren't to insulate the building. Yeah, they weren't stuffed with priests as insulations.

When the priests were in them, the walls were stuffed with priests. No, I don't think there was ever more than one priest in there. That's not what I've heard. I mean... LAUGHTER No, there was one priest per priest hole. Yeah. You know, that's... LAUGHTER What?

I'm just saying, you can only get one priest in any given hole. LAUGHTER No, I'm just... That's all. That's the rule. OK, look, if there's a priest in a priest hole in a wall, that wall is therefore stuffed with priests. And it might not be stuffed, it might be roomy. Yes, so that...

The many walls and houses are stuffed with priests. You can't... One thing does not constitute stuffing. My dear boss... Like, if you... That's a defence. What I mean is... Like, if, say, you had an aubergine stuffed with pine nuts, you couldn't have an aubergine stuffed with a pine nut.

Oh, yes, you could. No, you couldn't, cos there'd be a gap around it in which you'd have to put priests to fill out the space. I don't think you can have a point, Victoria. Oh, don't look at me like that. Can I go back to that? No, no. I never got resolved my challenge about that priest in York

who had that huge meal, some of which I think was a little fanciful, but some of which I'm sure he sat down and ate and said, I'm stuffed. Well, what do you think he ate? Which one?, but some of which I'm sure he sat down and ate and said, I'm stuffed. Well, what do you think he ate? Which one? Oh, so, Jeremy, you say he can be stuffed if he just had one of them. Depending what it was.

Let's wait and see. I think if you're going to stuff a priest, you couldn't do better than Lark's Omelettes. No, it wasn't Lark's Omelettes. I didn't even say Lark's omelets well no sorry i don't know where lark's omelets came from it was the eels no no not not the eels clergymen in america have come up with some interesting ways of keeping order in their congregations baptist preachers get so fed up of people shouting testify and praise the Lord, they grab them and hold them under water until they shut up. Revivalist preachers then attempt to resuscitate them. Pilgrim preachers in Massachusetts made use

of a wooden ball on a string attached to a stick to hit sleeping parishioners on the head and wake them if they fell asleep during the sermon and their feared weapon was known as god's conquer henny well that is certainly one very effective method of keeping everyone awake if you string a ball on some string so yeah i think they would do that well they did do that yes well done yes some of these sermons would go on for two to three hours. No member of the congregation was permitted to leave. The audience here will know what the feeling's like. And this tool was used by the tithe man, whose job it was to enforce observance of the Sabbath. It had two different ends, a hard ball or brass knocker to be used on men, and a more gentle squirrel tail or rabbit's foot

to be used on women. And that's the end of Jeremy's lecture. Jeremy, you've managed to smuggle three truths past the rest of the panel, which are that there have been two Catholic bishop bishops. Bishop John Bishop was the Bishop of Chichester and Bishop William Bishop was the Vicar Apostolic of England. The second truth is that the Bishop of Raffo also worked as a highwayman on Hounslow Heath. Philip Twyson devoted most of his time as bishop to spending his family's fortune in London and when the money ran out he turned to crime and was eventually shot and killed while carrying out a stagecoach robbery on Hounslow Heath in 1752, although official records stated that he died of an inflammation.

Inflammation of the bullet in his head. And the third truth is about George Neville's enthronement feast, so we still haven't drawn a line under it. And the true thing that Jeremy cited that he ate was 104 peacocks but by himself no no he had guests you know there's loads of them there but one of the things they did not have was uh 1 000 baby eagles to eat which was alleged by the television program qi program QI. No, they seem to have misread egrets, which is a type of heron, as eaglets, a baby eagle, which is obviously ridiculous to have baby eagles. You have something much more normal like a heron. And that means, Jeremy, you've scored three points.

And that means, Jeremy, you've scored three points. OK, we turn now to Graham Garden. Your subject, Graham, is beetles, any of numerous small six-legged scurrying insects known for their hard shell-like forewings and biting mouthparts. Off you go, Graham. Beetles. There was only one kind of beetle in the world until about 1700. However, since 1700, new beetle species have been discovered at the rate of one every day.

Victoria. Is it true that they find a new beetle every day? No. Ah. The current rate is one every two and a half hours and increasing. And increasing. That sounds like a horror movie. It's probably just the same beetles dressed differently

Charles Darwin famously discovered the giant Galapagos beetle which grew to an enormous size and unusually only had four legs he later reclassified it as a tortoise the slime mold beetle reclassified it as a tortoise. The slime mould beetle gets its name

not from its habitat, but from its creepy nature and characteristic lack of moral principles. Among the people who have had slime mould beetles named after them are George W. Bush, Dick Cheney, Donald Rumsfeld, and Darth Vader.

Henning. Does a Darth Vader beetle exist? Yes, a Darth Vader beetle exists. And I'll tell you what, so does a George W. Bush beetle, a Dick Cheney beetle and a Donald Rumsfeld beetle. The stag beetle is not a true beetle, and it's only 20% stag, while the jellyfish beetle is both a beetle and a jellyfish, and the beetle beetle is so-called because of its resemblance to a beetle. The Swiss army beetle is unique in that each of its legs is modified to perform a different function. The Jewel Beetle could be used as an early warning system for forest fires

because it has a heat sensor under one of its legs that can detect a fire over 50 miles away. This would be an extremely useful talent for the beetle if only it could detect fires under 50 miles away. useful talent for the beetle if only it could detect fires under 50 miles away let's say the first bit is true and it can detect fires over 50 miles away that's absolutely right wow yes the jewel beetle can even hear the cracking of burning wood and sense combustion products in very small amounts through its highly sensitive receptors. However, the beetle does not use this information to escape the fire, but flies towards the flames as it needs burnt wood in order to breed. Those of you who like your sweets to melt in your mouth and not in your hand

might like to know that the shiny coating you see on some sweets is actually a substance secreted from the anus of the female lack beetle jeremy i'm going to go with the beetles ass juice sweeties the beetles ass juice sweeties is there an indie band that i saw recently um i'm afraid to say that the beetles arse-juice sweeties is a true thing. Yes. Yes, the sticky coating that's sometimes referred to as confectioner's glaze and found on sweets such as jelly beans is derived from shellac, the resinous anal secretion of the female keria lacca or lac beetle.

Mmm! It's incredibly resourceful of the female keria lacca or lac beetle. It's incredibly resourceful of the confectioner. You've checked a lot of things before you find that it's the anal secretion of a beetle that gets just the right sort of glaze. The ghost beetle is so small and transparent that it hasn't actually been discovered yet. The horror writer Stephen King was once unable to write for almost a year after he saw a beetle crawl into one of the USB ports of his computer.

As the writer is terrified of beetles... Jeremy. Let's say it's true. What's true? I can't remember. The thing about the computer. That is not true. What's true? I can't remember. The thing about the computer. That is not true. Okay.

No. In 1997, Roundtree's Portuguese chocolate factory, just outside Lisbon, reported a serious outbreak of stock pilfering. After setting up CCTV cameras to identify the culprits, it was discovered that a colony of dung beetles had taken up residence in the warehouse walls and were rolling away vast numbers of Maltesers. Thank you, Graham. At the end of that round, Graham, you've managed to smuggle just one truth past the rest of the panel, which is that the horror writer Stephen King is terrified of beetles.

Although the fact about the beetle going into his computer isn't true. Stephen King lists his personal fears in descending order as death, beetles, spiders and flies, closed-in places, rats, snakes, deformity, squishy things, the dark. He says his writing is an important tool in keeping these fears at bay. In him, perhaps. And that means, Graham, that you've scored one point. The biggest beetle in the world,

the dung-eating Goliath beetle, has just one natural enemy, the pebble-slinging David beetle. Next up is Victoria Corrin Mitchell. Your subject, Victoria, is The Novel, an extended work of narrative fictional prose typically dealing with a range of connected characters and actions presented in sequential scenes. Off you go, Victoria.

Charles Dickens, author of Harry Potter and the Debtor's Prison, found the summer of 1850 so hot that he spent it writing trouserless on his front porch while being hosed down by servants. Henning. He wrote it trouserless. He didn't, no. No, he didn't No

No, he didn't write it trouserless What a shame, Graham Well, I've read trouserless and certainly needed hosing down So I've read trouserless Have you? It's good, isn't it? No, no, I haven't read trouserless

No But I've read trouserless But not trouser Trouserless. Have you? It's good, isn't it? No, no, I haven't read Trouserless. But I've read Trouserless. But not Trouserless Trouserless. That's why you're banned from Network South East, isn't it? As well as writing Mrs Dalloway, Virginia Woolf invented the Frisbee. Thomas Arnold invented the stethoscope. Anthony Trollope invented the pillar box. Herman Melville was instrumental in the success of Starbucks Salman Rushdie was one of the creators of Pac-Man

developing the story plan with a character based on his own love of pizza Graham, I think Anthony Trollope worked for the post office, didn't he? And probably did invent the pillar box You're right, he did Well done. He joined the post office as a clerk at the age of 19 before becoming a postal surveyor. The idea of the pillar box had been considered before, but it was Trollope's recommendation in his report

on postal services in the Channel Islands that led to their introduction in St Helier, Jersey in 1854. Pillar boxes arrived in London a year later, although they looked very different from the ones we know today. They were rectangular, sage green, and had a large ball on top. The question of what female novelists ought to write about was revolutionised when Jane Austen published her famously expletive-ridden novels,

which covered, among other subjects, fake tan, tattoos, crack pipes, motorbikes, baseball, ping-pong, train travel, contraception, guillotines, gin, and YouTube videos about fat people falling down wells. The best-selling novel of all time is Fifty Shades of Grey, which so utterly destroyed the fashion for gentle romantic fiction that millions of Mills and Boone novels were simply stuffed into the tarmac of the M6. Henny. Was Fifty Shades of Grey the best-selling novel of all time? No. I'm glad to say nowhere near.

Most people reckon it was a tale of two cities with 200 million copies sold, and Lord of the Rings is in second place with about 150 million copies sold. There's not a definitive measurement, but it's definitely not Fifty Shades of Grey. So it sucks to that. Graham. I've driven up the M6 toll, and it's pure Barbara Cartland from one end to the other. I think they did stuff it with Mills and Boone books. You're absolutely right.

How on earth did you get that? I knew it. How on earth did you get that? I knew it. Can you tell from the vibration through the tyres? I read about it. You read about the make-up of the M6? Well, I was sitting at home trouserless one day and I... Anyway, about 2.5 million Mills and Boone novels were pulped and used in the preparation of the top layer of the M6 toll road.

Project manager Richard Beale explained that the book pulp helps hold the tarmac in place and also acts as a sound absorber. He said the Mills and Boone books were particularly good at prolonging the life of the road service due to their highly absorbent quality. So, yeah, Victoria. So, yeah, Victoria. A similar sensation occurred in the 15th century when the biggest seller was a work of erotic fiction so ghastly that its author, after finishing his final draft, swore off sex forever and was elected Pope. Thank you, Victoria.

And at the end of that round, Victoria, you've managed to smuggle three truths past the rest of the panel, which are that Herman Melville was instrumental in the success of Starbucks, in that Starbucks is named after Starbuck, Captain Ahab's first mate in the novel Moby Dick. One of the co-founders of Starbucks, Gordon Bauk, initially wanted to name the company Pequod after the book's doomed whale ship, Bauk initially wanted to name the company Pequod after the book's doomed whale ship, but this was vetoed by his creative partner Terry Heckler, who pointed out that no one's going to drink a cup of Pequod. The second truth is that Jane Austen's novels contain a reference to baseball. Specifically, the 1818 novel Northanger Abbey contains the reference to

baseball, even though it was written 40 years before the official invention of the game by Abner Graves an American. So they we invented everything. And the third truth is that Italian Aeneas Silvius Piccolomini who later became Pope

Pius II wrote the popular 15th century erotic novel The Tale of Two Lovers. And that means, Victoria, you scored three points. Next up is Henning Vane. Your subject, Henning, is the British, also referred to as Britons or Brits, citizens of the United Kingdom and their descendants, Also referred to as Britons or Brits, citizens of the United Kingdom and their descendants, commonly characterized for their stiff upper lip, natural reserve, bad teeth, and obsession with social class and the weather.

Off you go, Henning. Contrary to popular belief, Britain wasn't invented by God. However, his son is the composer of the national anthem, Jerusalem, a song that asks a series of questions to which the answer is no. Over the years, several businesses, the Romans, the Angles, the Saxons, the Jews, the Vikings and the Normans, all tried unsuccessfully to make Britain a going concern. In the end, it was taken over by Russian gangsters. Very much like Chelsea or the Evening Standard. Britain passed through so many hostile takeovers

because there were never enough people defending it due to problems with breeding until the romans invaded the british hadn't even a word for kissing instead it was called tonsil cricket victoria they didn't have a word for kissing you're absolutely right they didn't have a world for kissing. Although kissing probably existed before, it says here, it was the Romans who formalized it. This really needs formalizing. And gave names to different types of kiss,

such as the osculum, a friendly peck on the cheek, the basium, a more erotic kiss on the lips, and the savium, a passionate French kiss. The Romans used kisses like handshakes to sign legal and business agreements, and a couple would announce their wedding by kissing passionately in front of a group of people. Although it had got off to such an uncertain start, by 1750 British people were certain they knew everything and wanted to share this with the rest of the world. They were also sure they had the best flag and so kindly replaced other people's gaudy tribal rags

with their own lovely banner. Today, Britain imports more champagne than any other country. There is always something to celebrate if your benchmark for success is low. Brits also eat more Heinz baked beans than the rest of the entire solar system combined. The first to sell baked beans were Fortnum and Mason, successfully claiming they were a luxury item. It's this British trait of mistaking bland things for being classy that explains why the whole country watches the Antiques Roadshow. There is no Antiques Roadshow in Germany, since all our trinkets were destroyed by British war criminals. Instead, Germans watch the British version and are pleasantly surprised that anything made in Britain 100 years ago is holding together.

For example, British ships were so badly made that in the 1940s, hundreds of them sank. For no apparent reason. Warning signs came long before when the Titanic sank. Long before when the Titanic sank, researchers believed that more British passengers than any other nationality died because they queued politely for lifeboats. Victoria. There must be something in that business about the Titanic

because saying that more British people died because they queued politely almost felt like a compliment to the British, which I'm sure Henning would never pay unless forced to by fact. You're absolutely right. That is a fact. Research from Queensland University of Technology has revealed that a higher proportion of British passengers

died on the Titanic compared to other nationalities. Behavioural economist David Savage says data suggests that Britons of that era were more inclined to be gentlemanly while Americans were more individualistic. Studying testimonies from inquiries in America and Britain just after the event he noticed a large number of statements from British women saying their husbands put them on the lifeboat then went to the back of the boat to have a cigar and to stand around and be chummy while the boat went down. So, yes, we know how to drown en masse. And that's the end of Henning's lecture.

And at the end of that round, Henning, you've managed to smuggle three truths past the rest of the panel, which are that Britain imports more champagne than any other country. I mean, wow. Not just per capita, but just more. The French drink most champagne, but Britain is the second biggest market for champagne after France. In 2011, the British imported 34,533,983 bottles, which is 78% more than the United States of America, which is Champagne's second largest export market. And the second truth is that Britain consumes more cans of Heinz baked beans than any other country in the solar system, or indeed, world. And counts for... Put together? Yes. It counts for 80 percent of Heinz's global baked bean sales are in Britain and I think about 20 percent is British people living in France

and the third truth is that Fortnum and Mason was the first place in the UK to sell baked beans the exotic imported beans were brought to the store in 1886 by American entrepreneur Henry J. Hines, who arrived in the UK with five cases of samples. Fortnum's took all five. In two years, Henry J. Hines had set up an office in Farringdon Road, and his baked beans had become a regular fixture in London. And that means, Henning, you've scored three points. Yes, the British eat more Heinz baked beans than the rest of the world combined, which means we really should take more responsibility for climate change. Which brings us to the final scores.

In joint last place, with one point each, we have Graham Garden, Henning Vein and Victoria Corrin Mitchell. Gordon, Henning Vane and Victoria Corrin Mitchell. And in first place, with one point more, two points, it's this week's winner, Jeremy Hardy.

Goodbye. The Unbelievable Truth was divided by John Naismith and Graham Gordon and featured David Mitchell in the chair with panellists Jeremy Hardy, Graham Garden, Kenning Vane and Victoria Corrin-Mitchell.

The chairman's script was written by Dan Gaster and Colin Swash and the producer was John Naismith. It was a random production of BBC Radio 4.