The Unbelievable Truth - 13x01 Birds, Witches, Pubs, Shoes

Episode Date: December 22, 2021

13x01 7 April 2014 Alex Horne, Lucy Beaumont, John Finnemore, Jack Dee Birds, Witches, Pubs, Shoes

We present The Unbelievable Truth, the panel game built on truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. on truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. Hello and welcome to The Unbelievable Truth, the panel show about incredible truths and barely credible lies. I'm David Mitchell. As Elvis Presley once said, the truth is like the sun. You can shut it out for a time, but it ain't going away. Which will be news to our listeners in Scotland. Please welcome Alex Horne, Lucy Beaumont, John Finnemore and Jack Dee. The rules are as follows.

Each panellist will present a short lecture that should be entirely false, save for five pieces of true information which they should attempt to smuggle past their opponents, cunningly concealed amongst the lies. Points are scored by truths that go unnoticed, while other panellists can win points if they spot a truth or lose points if they mistake a lie for a truth.

First up is Alex Horne. Alex, your subject is birds, egg-laying vertebrates of various sizes characterised by a body covering of feathers and forelimbs modified as wings. Off you go, Alex. Fingers on buzzers to the rest of you. Hello.

So, in 2013... It's fine, isn't it? Just saying hello. I hadn't said anything yet. Hello. You can't just start talking to people. Hello. In 2013...

What's wrong with all that? In 20... Sounds like you're sending an email to yourself. Sounds like you're sending an email to yourself. In 2013, according to the Global Bird Census of that year, there were 100 billion birds in the world. Birds are really weird, and here are some examples of birds being weird. The female stalk will often balance an egg on one foot before flicking it to the other and winking.

It's tempting. The male cockerel will often pretend to find some food in order to impress lady hens. John. That sounds like the sort of thing a cockerel would do. That's absolutely true. Yes, cockerels often lure hens with food using the opportunity of the hen eating to grab her by the back of the neck and mate her.

Those are the gentleman cockerels, because sometimes the cockerel just pretends to have found food, calling the hen by making an excited clucking noise as if he's found food. So where do birds come from? Well, poo-pooing the outlandish egg theory, Archimedes believed that birds emerged from the mouths of other birds, while Lucretius wrote... John. He couldn't have thought that, could he? He would have seen... But still, I buzz, so I'm going to say that's true. It's not true. No, of course it's not. Yes, you're right.

Archimedes, famously not an idiot. Yeah, that's the mistake I was making. While Lucretius wrote about baby birds leaping out of rivers like salmon or fishermen who have been bitten by salmon. Medieval European... John. This is just throwing good points after bad.

But if the first one wasn't true, then maybe that one was true. Lucretius. That's not as foolproof a system as you may have previously thought. No, Lucretius didn't write about that, I'm afraid. Right, OK. One more, though, John. Yeah.

Worth a go, isn't it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. One medieval European... Yes. No, Jack's got in ahead of you, John. Sorry, I'm putting my money on this one. I don't even know what he's going to say yet. So whatever it is, Jack says it's true,

and John, I think, agrees with that. And you'd better read out what's on your piece of paper. While medieval Europeans were pretty sure that birds grew on trees. Jack's got it, and he's right. Oh! As I think the whole panel knew, Giambattista della Porta, a medieval Italian scholar,

wrote about the belief that birds could sprout from trees in his text Natural Magic. It was particularly thought to be the case with putrefied trees and sage, so those particularly good at growing birds, according to Giambatt de la porter and kevin you know kevin the patron saint of blackbirds he believed you made new birds by adding water to old birds a bit like gremlins now it's frigate bird fact time the collective noun for a group of

frigate birds is a team and they often chase birds until those birds throw up, and then they eat that bird's vomit. Speaking of vomit, as we are encouraged to do here on Radio 4, the humble robin has been known to vomit its own weight in worms after a particularly big night. Jack? I think that could be true, that they would vomit their own weight. Their own weight in worms. Worms, yeah. I have, whenever I've eaten. They can eat their own weight in worms worms you know i i have whenever i've been they they can eat their own weight in worms but not vomit it but if they ate a bad worm

the whole lot would come up and how much would that weigh david well well i think i you know i'm not an expert on the physiognomy of the robin, but when a robin is eating... Oh, you're being too modest. When a robin is eating its own weight in worms, if the last worm that made up its own weight in worms was the one that made it be sick, it's already digested the beginning of its own weight in worms, so what comes up is not quite its own weight in worms,

but what it's eaten is its own weight in worms. Well, I only have one more question. Does the robin weigh himself first so he knows when to stop? Well, as you know, on robin scales, the weight is actually expressed in worms. Ah, of course it is. Oh, I've lost a worm. Put on half a worm. How embarrassing.

Got to lay off the worms. I've still got my Christmas worms on and it's marked. They go to worm watchers. Some male parrots like to vomit into the mouths of female parrots after snogging them. John. Yeah, maybe. I mean, mother birds vomit into the mouths of baby birds, so after snogging them. John? Yeah, maybe. I mean, mother birds vomit into the mouths of baby birds,

so maybe parrots do it as well. It is absolutely true. They do. Yes. White-fronted parrots kiss mouth to mouth, even using tongues, and when the male parrot becomes sufficiently aroused, he vomits into the female's mouth. It's like a night out in Sunderland, isn't it? Back to the vomit.

Herons carry rudimentary sick bags when flying. Ostriches' feet smell of vomit, and kestrels often puke on sheep because kestrels are naughty. Thank you, Alex. And at the end of that round alex you've managed to smuggle two truths past the rest of the panel which are that saint kevin is the patron saint of blackbirds and the second truth is that frigate birds often feed by chasing other birds until they vomit and then catching the disgorged food in midair. Which means, Alex, that you've scored two points.

Thank you, David. Thank you for my points. The remains of birds hit by aeroplanes are known as snarge and a few days later as in-flight chicken. Okay, we turn now to Lucy Beaumont. As you know, by BBC law, we have to have one on every show, so please welcome this week's northerner. Lucy, your subject is witches. Women thought to have evil magic powers, popularly depicted wearing black cloaks, pointed hats, and flying on a broomstick. Off you go, Lucy.

It wasn't made legal to be a witch until 1940 in the US and 1951 here in Britain. As one practising witch said in 1943, you'll let me vote for a government, but you won't let me boil an eye of a new in a tin pot. Alex, I'm going to say that one of those laws is... let me vote for a government, but you won't let me boil an eye of a new in a tin pot. Alex. I'm going to say that one of those laws is, I think, legal

to be a witch in America. I'm afraid that's not true. You sure? I'm sure. It has always been legal to be a witch in the United States of America. So I was massively wrong. Yeah. I think it was frowned upon. So the Salem Witch Trials were really trying it on then? Well, that was obviously before the institution of the United States. That under i don't know some sort of scheme to help

to help future playwrights find allegories lucy according to which magazine it's now illegal in this country for witches to smoke cigarettes on their broomsticks when there's a passenger child witch. Or twitch, as they're known on board. Jack? I'm going to stick my neck out here

and suggest that a child witch is referred to as a twitch. They're not. No. No. I made that up. Yeah, well, you fooled me. They're not. No. No. I made that up. Yeah, well, you fooled me. I know, I know. Yeah.

BFT, or broomstick flight technology to me and you... I made that up. LAUGHTER ..has greatly improved. In Denmark, witches were once said to burn rags before flying, which has probably led to the puff of smoke we always associate with witches. John? Burning rags before flying in Denmark?

No. Oh. Did you make that up as well? I'm doing really well, aren't I? Yeah. Many witches now like to achieve this puff of smoke with Richmond Super Kim menthols. I made that up. In the olden days, witches would strip naked and cover themselves with a special fly anointment.

Alex. She hasn't said that she's made that up. So I think in the olden days, they used to rub themselves when they were naked to help them fly more. That's very well spotted. You've spotted that Lucy didn't say that she made that up. And that's true. Well done. This is detailed in Griot de Guivry's book,

Witchcraft, Magic and Alchemy, witches would strip naked and cover themselves in a special flying ointment. I'm not going to say I'm a midget anymore. Other differences are their preferred take-off route, which used to be up the chimney, whilst in recent times there have been reports of witches who preferred French

windows, decking, or a nice cul-de-sac to take off from. In Germany, there is still the tradition of keeping black cats indoors on Christmas Day, and on Christmas Eve in Norway, they hide their household brooms for fear a witch would steal it. Jack? I think the Norway Christmas brooms, they hide them in case a witch steals it. That's just a guess.

You're absolutely right. They do. Thank you. Amazing to think that once upon a time witches were sentenced to death for such things as turning a cow into a pig or their daughter into a pony matthew hopkins the famous 17th century witch finder general had a curse placed upon him by one of his victims who decreed that all his female descendants would themselves be witches. Earlier this year, his distant relative, Katie Hopkins... LAUGHTER ..announced that she had been told she was elected Queen Witch,

but later found out it to be a spelling mistake. John. Matthew Hopkins being cursed? No. No, Matthew Hopkins wasn't cursed. Although he was a nasty piece of work. And that's the end of Lucy's lecture. And at the end of that round, Lucy,

you've managed to smuggle three truths past the rest of the panel, which are that in Britain, it wasn't made legal to be a witch until 1951 the second truth is that which is preferred takeoff route was up the chimney we know this also from grillo de givre who writes as the broom handle was the steed so was the chimney the natural path by which its frequenters set off for the sabbath so just to be clear you are claiming it as a truth that the witch's preferred takeoff route

was up the chimney you're saying that's what used to happen well i mean no i'm not really saying witches did that, but I'm saying witches were said to do that. I know, I was just being funny. Well, I don't like it. It was my first experiment with it this evening. It will cease. And the third truth is that witches were sentenced to death for such things as turning their daughter into a pony.

This is the specific case in 1727 of Janet Horne from the highland town of Dornock, was burnt to death in a barrel filled with flaming tar after being convicted of turning her daughter into a pony and riding her to a witch's coven. Janet Horne was the last person to be executed for witchcraft in the British Isles and is the subject of the song Am I Evil by heavy metal band Diamond Head. I'm sure she would have been pleased. If I just hope some art comes of this, she would have screamed. And that means, Lucy, that you've scored three points. Next up is John Finnemore.

John, your subject is the pub, or public house, a building with a bar and one or more public rooms licensed for the sale and consumption of alcohol. Off you go, John. Every single pub in Britain has its own traditions and contests. In September, the Oaks Pub in Ramsbottom, Lancashire, holds the World Black Pudding Throwing Competition. Every Easter Monday, the Ring of

Bells in Kinross hosts a game called Spoon Cockalorum, in which silver spoons are hidden all over the grounds, and the village child who finds the most is rewarded with a sugar mouse, or, before 1955, a mouse. Jack? I think the black pudding thing is true oh yeah i think that's true i think it's true now i think the other one i think they should go for the other one

it is true jack and authenticated by john's oh yes uh around 2 000 people took to the pub for last year's World Black Pudding Throwing Championship, which involved competitors throwing black puddings in an attempt to dislodge giant Yorkshire puddings from a 20-foot-high plinth. And all funds raised are distributed to charities in the borough. It might be absolutely idiotic.

Why can't these people just give money to charity? This next paragraph about pub codes is all true. In Wales, placing your glass upside down on the bar means same again, whilst in Australia it means you are declaring you can fight every man in the bar and win. Lucy? Putting a glass upside down in Wales in a pub means... Same again.

Same again. It doesn't. No. Never mind. No. You probably have to say... Same again. Same again.

You started the paragraph with everything in this paragraph is true. So far... What John said was this next paragraph about pub codes is all true. Oh, I remember what the game is yeah got it ignore me sorry about that yeah i remember i you know it's because of what i like you i never know which one i'm watching or or playing yeah a trick is if you can see it it's would i like you i know but on this occasion on this, you can see it, but it isn't.

I know. For listeners at home, Alex can see this. I'm really sorry. But do remember, Alex, you can always get me on deviation. Sorry about that. Or indeed, any employee of the corporation.

In 1695, the Linnet Inn in Malmesbury used a live linnet in a cage as its sign. Lucy. Yes, true. No. Oh. No. Sorry, I was saying the life expectancy would be too short. They'd have to keep replacing it. I mean, how short

is the life expectancy? Eight years. Well, I would say that's expectancy would be too short. They'd have to keep replacing it. I mean, how short is the life expectancy? Eight years. Well, I would say that's workable. My specialist subject is limits. If they live eight years, you have to replace a thatched roof more often than that. It's totally workable. The fact that it hasn't happened

doesn't take away from the fact that it's a bloody good scheme. I'd go and have a drink in a pub with an adorable live red bird captured in a box outside. Who wouldn't? But you wouldn't want to go to the king's head on that one. I'd go to the king's head if it said good morning to me

in a sort of weird, lugubrious, disembodied way. Hello. Try the guest ale. Resenting the increased trade this brought in the cat and fiddle pub over the road replaced their sign with a cage containing the very annoyed pub cat and a violin The linnet responded by changing its name and sign

to the 14 owls And so the one-upmanship continued until 1703 when the barmaid of what was at the time the Lion was killed whilst visiting their rivals by a tiger. In 2008, a lorry mistakenly delivered 2,000 pints of lager to Windsor Castle instead of to a pub called The Windsor Castle. Jack? I think that might be true.

It is true. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yes, the 12 barrels of lager were turned away by royal staff but eventually made it to its namesake in Maidenhead with police assistance. And in 2011, the Daily Express reported the existence of a fully equipped secret pub in the wine cellars of Windsor Castle

named the Corgy's Head, in which the Duke of Edinburgh finally gets to live out his life as a pub landlord, as nature so obviously intended. Perhaps the most beloved pub name of them all is named after the cry that goes up in Kinross the morning after a game of Spoons Cockalorum. Where the spoons? Or, as we know it today,

where are the spoons? Thank you, John. And at the end of that round, John, you've managed to smuggle two truths past the rest of the panel, which are that placing your glass upside down on the bar in Australia means you're declaring you can fight every man in the bar and win.

In some Australian pubs, that is. And the second truth is that in 1703, the barmaid of a pub called The Lion was killed by a tiger. This was Hannah Twinoy. She was the first person in Britain to be killed by a tiger. She worked as a barmaid at the white lion inn where there was an exhibition of wild beasts including a fierce tiger that she took to teasing despite repeated warnings from its keeper one day whilst enraged the tiger escaped caught hold of her gown and tore her to pieces it's just one of those accidents that no one could predict one of those yeah it's from the blue that's blue and that means john you've scored two points

yes in an australian pub putting your glass upside down on the counter means you think you can fight against everyone in the pub and win as just putting your glass the right way up and just sitting there next up is jack d, your subject is shoes. Articles worn on each foot, usually over socks. Off you go, Jack. The very long pointy shoes of the 12th and 13th century, known as chaussettes, that curl upwards at the toe, got their shape because people in those days had very long pointy feet that curled up at the toe the first recorded shoe shop in london was opened in 1781 by an austrian named kranich venkel venkel also invented the stupid clunky metal contraption that shoe shop assistants pretend to measure your feet with john is that when and by whom the first shoe shop was opened no the device is still

known as a cranic but when that breaks john is the device known as a cranic uh no no it's okay it's known as a brannock oh you have to really know the name not just what it rhymed with learn your shoe measuring technology before you come on this show. That's what I always say. Number one piece of advice. How are shoes measured? What's it called? It will come up. But when that breaks, they can always revert to the old way of measuring

as each shoe size still increases by the length of one barleycorn. John. Right, I'm just buzzer happy. That one. Barleycorn. Yes. You're right. I mean, if you buzz every time, Jack opens his mouth eventually.

No, you're very much taking the Field Marshal Hague approach to winning points. My little buzzer's going up the hill. Just keep sending the buzzes in. We've got an infinite number of buzzes. The northern factories are full of buzzes. Send them over. It's one more tin of bully beef we'll save. Although, actually, the General's reputation

has in many ways been reclaimed of late. Saved myself a letter. UK shoe sizes are still based on the ancient measurements of hands and barleycorns. A hand equates to four inches and a barleycorn is one third of an inch, making 12 barleycorns equal to one hand.

Yes, the largest crannock in the world is in the United States and was used to measure the Statue of Liberty, who wears size size 879 but will sometimes go up a size and just wear thicker socks john well as you know i buzz for everything jack says yeah and i think maybe you could work out how big the statue of liberty's book would be and say it's whatever he said you've got your infantry and your artillery working together now, John. That's much nicer. That's absolutely true.

The Statue of Liberty wears sighter 879. Well done. The town of Burton-upon-Trent now has its own perfume, Eau de Burton, with hints of marmite, Branston pickle, beer and leather boots. John, that sounds like the sort of PR stunt that a town would do. It is the sort of PR stunt that a town would do. A pair of shoes has been invented that vacuums the floor

as you walk around the house. It's called a shoover. Lucy. A pair of shoes has been... Oh, no, not that vacuums the floor. I've got some slippers that polish the floor, but that's not what you said. They don't really...

They do. Shiny floors. No, obviously it's not going to polish a carpet. That would be a disaster. I don't know how you'd polish a carpet maybe if you had sort of shoes like irons well i do have a steam cleaner that sort of polishes and cleans the carpet as well how well does it serve as footwear because it's really the dual purpose of you know cleaning and serving as footwear that that we're looking for you could stand on it and someone could push you.

Well, that's a vehicle. That's not an item of clothing. That'd be like calling a car a shoe. A huge petrol-driven shoe you can sit in. Well, maybe it is, yeah. It's like that old woman who lived in a shoe. She didn't live in a shoe, she lived in a house that was shoe-shaped. What, she couldn't live in a shoe? A woman can't live in a shoe. She didn't live in a shoe. She lived in a house that was shoe-shaped. Well, she couldn't

live in a shoe. A woman can't live in a shoe. What is the creature that would be shod by such a huge object? Well, that's why it's such a good story. That's why it's so remarkable. Without the giant going, where's my shoe? You filled it with knick-knacks. Then the story is nothing. You've put a window right

where my ankle is, and now it'll be drafty. Get out, you cow. You've put a window right where my ankle is, and now it'll be drafty. Get out, you cow. You've put a chaise longue right down at the toe. None of that in the story. She just lives in a shoe, but it serves as a house. Is this the same old woman? She's got a garden, if I remember rightly. Shoes don't have a garden.

Alex, you fucks, are're trying to shut me up. Well, have you rescinded your shoe-ver claim? Are you buzzing for shoe-ver? You buzzed, so you might as well stick with it. You lose a point anyway. Because the thing is, Lucy, you're retreating so fast at the moment of victory because there is a shoe-ver.

It is a thing. not just your polishing slippers but actual Vacuum shoes called the shoover do exist. I knew it I knew it Each soul has a tiny Rechargeable vacuum in the base that collects dust as you walk, which makers Electrolux claim is perfect for people with busy lifestyles. Shoe designer Jimmy Choo changed his name from Shoe to Chew when he was an art student, as he didn't then realise what he'd become famous for.

So that was a chit idea, wasn't it? Thank you, Jack. At the end of that round, Jack, I'm afraid you've smuggled no truths past the rest of the panel. It was the scattergun approach from Finnemore. He's now back up to minus 27. So I'm not that bothered. No, it's absolutely...

Attritionally, you have destroyed Finnemore. Which means that you've scored, however, no points. When the TV series Sex in the City was broadcast in Dubai, the zealously puritanical authorities changed its title to Shoes in the City, which narrowly got the nod over the other suggestion, Take 40 lashes, you unmarried whores. Which brings us to the final scores.

In fourth place, with minus two points, we have Lucy Beaumont. In third place, with minus one point, it's John Finnemore. In second place, with one point, it's Alex Horne. And in first place, with one point, it's Alex Horne. And in first place, with an unassailable two points, is this week's winner, Jack Dee.

That's about it for this week. Goodbye. The Unbelievable Truth was devised by John Natesmith and Graham Garden and featured David Mitchell in the chair, with panellists John Finnemore, Lucy Beaumont, Alex Horne, and Jack Dee. The chairman's script was written by Dan Gaster and Colin Swash, and the producer was John Naismith. It was a random production for BBC Radio 4.