The Unbelievable Truth - 13x02 Whales, Canada, Pigs, Buses

Episode Date: December 22, 2021

13x02 14 April 2014 Lloyd Langford, Katherine Ryan, Jon Richardson, Graeme Garden Whales, Canada, Pigs, Buses

We present The Unbelievable Truth, the panel game built on truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. Hello and welcome to The Unbelievable Truth, the panel show about incredible truths and barely credible lies. I'm David Mitchell. To entertain you and fulfil their community service, please welcome John Richardson, Catherine Ryan, Lloyd Langford and Graham Garden. welcome John Richardson, Catherine Ryan, Lloyd Langford and Graham Garden. The rules are as follows. Each panellist will present a short lecture that should be entirely false, save for five pieces of true information which they should attempt to smuggle past their opponents, cunningly concealed amongst the lies. Points are scored by truths that go unnoticed, while other panellists can win points if they spot a truth or lose points if they mistake a lie for a truth.

First up is Lloyd Langford. Lloyd, your subject is whales. Not the principality, but the very large, hairless marine mammals characterised by their horizontal tail fins and blowholes for breathing. Off you go, Lloyd. Fingers on buzzers, the rest of you. The whale is just a fish with a glandular problem. Types of whale include the Berlin whale, the James whale, and Gervais's snaggletoothed minke, noted for its questionable use of ironic racism. A group of whales is known

as a clump, except in Japan, where it is referred to as an all-you-can-eat buffet. except in Japan, where it is referred to as an all-you-can-eat buffet. A whale's penis is known as a mork. A blue whale's heart beats only nine times per minute, a rate that can be replicated in humans simply by watching an episode of Countryfile. John? Well, I think I've heard the words mork and minky. So I'm basing that one of those must be true,

and the last one was the mork thing. It's true. A whale's penis is known as a mork. It isn't true. No. Some people say that it's called a dork. The internet, specifically. There are 22,500 web hits say that a whale's penis is called a dork,

but in fact it's neither mork nor dork. So what do I call it? I'd call it a lifetime balm from the London Aquarium. The bar stools on Aristotle Onassis' yacht were upholstered with whale's foreskins, though this proved problematic for the maid, as every time she tried to polish them, they'd grow much larger. Graham.

I think that probably is what he covered his barstools with. Yes, that's absolutely right. Well done. Yes, Aristotle Onassis bought his yacht Christina as scrap in 1952 and then lavishly redecorated it to feature an onyx and silver staircase, a marble pool that at the touch of a button rose to become a dance floor, and a bar which he named after himself. Guests to Arie's bar could rest their feet on whales' teeth and sit on stools upholstered with the foreskins of minke whales.

It is reported that one of Onassis' favourite jokes was to tell female guests, Madam, you are sitting on the largest penis in the world and talking to the second largest. So, yes. Prince Charles is the first heir to the throne to ride on the back of a killer whale, though King John III of France was the first to swim with dauphans.

If a dead whale washes up on a British beach, the bones belong to the Lord Admiral, the meat and blubber belongs to the Queen, and the right to make an off-colour joke about immigrants belongs to Prince Philip. Catherine. I feel like it sounds like the British to have a strange rule about who gets which part of the whale. It does sound like the British, doesn't it? And we do have a rule. Unfortunately, that's not it. Now, the actual rule is that all whales and sturgeons and porpoises are classed as royal fish if they're washed up

under a statute of Edward II, and the king or sovereign owns the head, the queen or consort owns the tail, and in modern terms, the master of the wreck takes control and says it belongs to the treasury, who must then offer it to the monarch so it's a lot more modern than you were implying like bombay duck and speedy boarding whalebone corset is actually a misnomer

they're more commonly made out of shark cartilage graham oh yeah i'm tempted by shark cartilage there. Have you eaten here before, Graham? That's not true. Whalebone corsets were largely made out of whalebone. No. Hence the name, I suppose. Exactly, yeah. Do all whalebone corsets belong to the Queen?

I think probably she's got most of them now yeah but she's an old-fashioned dresser sorry i don't mean to compare her majesty to a piece of furniture in 2013 humphrey a humpback whale skeleton at the british museum was investigated by atos and declared fit for work the British Museum was investigated by Atos and declared fit for work. I'm glad you liked that one. Moby Dick was written in 1852 by

Harold Melvin and the Blue Notes. There are whales alive today that were born before Moby Dick was written and they are as repulsed by the idea of the Kindle as much as I am. John? I think there are whales alive today that were that old.

And somebody in the audience has already laughed at me. Well, that person in the audience is a fool, because you're absolutely right. Yes. Moby Dick was actually written in 18... or published in 1851, and bowhead whales can live for over 200 years, meaning that some of those alive today

will have escaped from the Yankee commercial whalers of the Victorian era. People have even found whales with old stone harpoon points embedded in them. Free Willy was the original title of Russell Brand's autobiography. In Italy, up the bum of a whale has the same meaning as break a leg. SeaWorld is an American religious cult

that makes human sacrifices to killer whales. SeaWorld's most famous resident, Killertum, can be easily identified by his flanged pectoral fin, the deep sadness in his eyes and the human body part seen regularly hanging out of his mouth. Thank you, Lloyd. And at the end of that round, Lloyd, you've managed to smuggle three truths past the rest of the panel, which are that a blue whale's heart beats only nine times per minute.

The second truth is that Prince Charles is the first heir to the throne to ride on the back of a killer whale. He swam with Winston the killer whale at Windsor Safari Park in 1974. Winston was known for having a bad temper and staff had to pull the prince out of the water to protect him from the whale when they noticed it had the red eye. That would have been an interesting way for an heir to the throne to go, though.

Eaten by a whale in Windsor. And the third truth is that in Italy, to wish someone good luck before an event, some Italians say, in culo alla ballina, meaning in the arse of the whale. To which the response, apparently, is speriamo che non scureggi

I hope you like my accent which translates as may he not fart on me. Anyway that means Lloyd that you've scored three points. Okay we turn now to Catherine Ryan. In 2013, Catherine reached the final of Let's Dance for Comic Relief, performing Starships by Nicki Minaj. Especially annoying for me, as it meant I couldn't appear performing my Nicki Minaj choice of Bees in the Trap.

Maybe next year. I have no idea what that means. Maybe next year. I have no idea what that means. Catherine comes from Ontario in Canada, where the mayor of Toronto was recently caught on camera drunk, swearing and smoking crack, making Catherine one of the few people to come to London to experience a less embarrassing mayor.

Appropriately, Catherine, your subject is Canada, a large, sparsely populated Commonwealth country in northern North America, known for its bears and maple syrup. Off you go, Catherine. At first glance, Canada appears to be the world's friendliest and best-looking nation. But watch your backs, Earth,

because we are in actuality a country of cruel and calculating maniacs. 17% of Canadians polled refused to buy their postman a Christmas gift and 12% admitted to having kicked a photocopier in frustration. Graham.

I think they're cruel to their postman in Canada and refused to give them a Christmas gift. No, we have no evidence for the percentage. Are you supposed to give your postman a Christmas present? Absolutely you are. Well, he brings plenty for you. What I usually do is give him a ball of red elastic bands.

give him a ball of red elastic buns. I must say, I've never given my postman a Christmas present. Has anyone else on the panel, honestly? Yeah. You have, Graham. John, have you? Well, no.

The papers sort of indicate that they tend to just take what they want. I'm just glad for the indicate that they tend to just take what they want. I'm just glad for the ones that get through to me. One in ten Canadians say they'd support a law that encouraged people in major cities to wear name tags. If I'm going to threaten you in the mean streets, I want to look you in the eye when I do it. Lloyd.

That sounds like a very good idea. It's a very good idea that one in ten Canadians support. Well done. Yes, the poll followed a campaign by Shelley Korbatov to make Vancouver a friendlier city. As a result, February the 8th is

Say Hi Vancouver Day, where residents are encouraged to wear name tags and get to know each other better. Says Shelley, a simple name tag can break through the invisible barrier that separates us and give us permission to say hi. Anyone else want to be sick?

Canada used to border Zimbabwe until thousands of years ago when we kicked the crap out of them to such an extent that it caused deep tectonic tremors. Bruce Lloyd. I think that's true, isn't it, that North America used to be connected to Africa and then drifted? You're absolutely right, yes.

Good tectonic knowledge. Yet scientists at the Geological Survey of Canada found that by analysing the composition of minerals in rock, they can precisely date ancient volcanic rock and thus calculate how the early land masses were pieced together. They've already demonstrated how Canada once bordered Zimbabwe some 300 million years ago when the supercontinent Pangea existed. So, yeah, there would have been polar bears in Zimbabwe.

More white landowners causing trouble. Polar bears are actually black. It's true, their skin is black. We've sort of usurped you, David, now. Catherine says a fact, I buzz in, she tells me it's true. It's a relationship. But they're not black, are they, part of it? I mean, they're self-evidently white.

No, they're not. Their fur is see-through, and their see-through hairs, when they're clumped together, they reflect light, so they look white. Yes, but in a sense, though, being white and looking white are the same thing. Try telling that to Michael Jackson.

Canada's political parties are suitably named after violent animals. Political parties currently represented in the House of Commons are the Saltwater Crocodile Party, the Black Mamba Party, the Rhinoceros Party, and the Chris Brown Party. Great. I think somewhere I've heard of the Rhinoceros Party in Canada. Is that right? There is a rhinoceros, or there was a rhinoceros party in Canada.

They stopped it. They stopped it, and there isn't currently a rhinoceros party represented in the House of Commons in Canada. In an act of trademark hilarious defiance, the Canadian Rhinoceros Party promised to provide higher education by building taller schools, nationalise all pay toilets, and declare war on Belgium.

Lloyd. So... I think they wanted to nationalise all pay toilets. They did want to nationalise all pay toilets. They did want to nationalise all pay toilets. It is true that, in fact, the Canadian Rhinoceros Party wanted to provide higher education by building taller schools, nationalise all pay toilets and declare war on Belgium. The party's primary pledge was a promise to keep none of our promises.

Ah, this, paradoxical. But yes, so well done, Lloyd, and thank you, Catherine. And at the end of that round, Catherine, you've managed to smuggle one truth past the rest of the panel, which is that 12% of Canadians admit to having kicked a photocopier in frustration. According to a poll conducted by Hewlett-Packard in 2002, 12% of Canadians who have a photocopier in the workplace

have become so frustrated with it that they have kicked the machine. Another 30% indicated that they have come close, but decided not to go through with it. I think that 30% need help. And that means, Catherine, you've scored one point. The world's largest car park is in Edmonton, Canada, with space for over 20,000 vehicles. Yeah, Canada not so boring now, is it? With a number of Native Americans in the side, the Canadian Olympic lacrosse team of 1904 included a player called Man Afraid of Soap, as have every French team ever since. Next up is John Richardson. John, your subject is pigs, omnivorous domesticated mammals

known for their bristly hair, curly tail and flat snout. Off you go, John. The pig, known by the Greeks as iglus piglus and by the Latins as igpe, has no feelings or emotions and is therefore ideal fodder for slaughter. Pig products can be found in light bulbs, tea bags, and into very recently bread, leading Allenson to coin their often misquoted slogan, bread with snout taken out. Snout meat is the main ingredient in a bag of pork scratchings,

which take their name from a disease passed from pigs to humans in the 19th century. Catherine. Until this minute, I didn't think pork scratchings probably had any pork in them. But I think snout meat would be the most likely bit of pig in pork scratchings. No. No, they do have pork meat in them, but the pigs rind. Yeah, you get hair on them sometimes. Yeah. It's the edge of a

pig. It's like a pig has sort of had a narrow escape. You know, and sort of just had bits of it sort of chipped off and turned into a snack. But of course, that's not the case because the pig has certainly died. You haven't sold me on it. No.

They're horrible. A mixture of crunchy and sort of gungy in a bad way. They're the snack of a less technological age. I would say that the Pringle has rendered them unnecessary. Geneticists are working hard to breed pigs that are born cooked, frozen and vacuum-packed for convenience. But problems have led to pigs that now suffer from multiple pigsonality disorder and anorexia. A pig born in Greece in 1846 was able to pronounce as many as 15 words

and toured the country to crowds of up to 500. Another, born in Croatia, had six legs, two penises and two anuses and was known as Octopig. I'll plump for the talking Greek pig. had six legs, two penises and two anuses and was known as Octopig. Lloyd. I'll plump for the talking Greek pig. Delicious. No, no, the talking Greek pig is not a true thing. Graham.

In that case, I'll go for the more believable one. The Octopig. Octopig is a true thing. Yes the octopiglet as he started off was born in Croatia in the village of Vrpolje in 2007. Owner and farmer Evica Sic decided to keep the animal as a pet, saying, who knows, maybe we can breed more. Although the two penises might be a problem. I've, in fact, seen a picture of Octopig, and I slightly regret having done so. The only other creature known to man with six legs, two penises and two anuses

is the pop group Hanson. I am excited to reveal that Universal Studios have asked me to script edit the third and final instalment in their successful porcine movie franchise, Babe, in which the heroic pig finally ends up in an abattoir. Great. I'm sitting next to him and he is excited. I'm facing the other way, though.

How can you tell? The role of Babe will this time be played by Andy Serkis with CGI... ..post-production, as the original was unusually expensive to produce, as the oinks constituted a talking role. With the contracts being on a Favoured Nations basis, each pig was paid in excess of $125,000 for their work

and no fewer than 48 pigs were needed for the role. Lloyd. I think maybe they used just under 50 pigs for the film, Babe. They did. Well done, yes. Babe was played by 48 real Yorkshire piglets as well as an animatronic double. The rejected working title for the third film was Babe, I'm Back Baking Again. It was eventually replaced by Babe 3, Pig in a Blanket.

In homage to the bacon-wrapped sausage. The Danish call pigs in blankets sausages with slippers on, while the Germans prefer sausage in a dressing gown. This is Lloyd. One of those is true, I think. I'll go for the German sausage in a dressing gown. Well done. Yes, the German for sausage wrapped in bacon is Wurstchen im Schlafrock,

which translates as sausage in a dressing gown. They're called kilted sausages in Scotland. The success of pork wrapped in pork led Bernard Matthews to launch an ill-received snack consisting of a turkey twizzler wrapped in breaded turkey mince called a quirky turkey. We are currently in the Chinese year of the chuckle brother, which in honour

of the twins' comedic expertise has seen a one-off lifting of the one-child policy. The most recent year of the pig was celebrated with the launch of sweet and sour flavored stamps and the year of the dragon saw theo perfetus given the freedom of guangdong province thank you john and at the end of that round john you managed to smuggle two truths past the rest of the panel the first is that pigs suffer from anorexia.

And the second truth is that the most recent year of the pig was celebrated with the launch of sweet and sour flavoured stamps. The stamps went on sale in China in 2007. When you scratched the image of a pig on the front, you could smell the tasty aroma of sweet

and sour pork, and when you licked the back of the stamp, it tasted of the dish. And that means, John, you've scored two points. A few years ago in Croatia, a remarkable piglet was born with six legs, two penises and two anuses. Now that, A.A. Milne, is a character. Seducer of an estimated 10,000 women,

Casanova generally used a pig's bladder as a condom. To be fair, if you can whip out a pig's bladder without spoiling the mood, you really have got a special skill. Next up is Graham Garden. Graham is here representing the age of our average listener, which is, of course, the Iron Age. Graham, your subject is buses, large motor vehicles which carry passengers by road,

typically operating as part of a scheduled service on a fixed route and for a fare. Off you go, Graham. Britain's first bus service began in 1835 and travelled from Wolverhampton. The bus company didn't specify its destination, claiming that the only thing passengers wanted to know was that it was taking them from Wolverhampton. In the list of the world's most at-risk cultural heritage sites, Western Brazil has the gigantic, mysterious figures drawn in the stony floor of the Natha Desert,

while Great Britain has Preston Bus Station. I came here by bus today myself and nearly didn't make it. The driver didn't turn up at the depot, so I had to drive the bus myself. I was stopped by traffic police, of course, but as there were only five passengers on board, they said, oh, it's fine, carry on, because apparently you are allowed

to drive a route master bus with an ordinary driving license as long as you don't carry too many passengers. Lloyd? It was a while ago, but I think Preston Bus Station is some sort of important site. You think it's one of the world's at-risk cultural heritage sites? You think it's one of the world's at-risk cultural heritage sites? In hindsight, no. In fact, you're absolutely right, it is. In 2011, Preston Bus Station joined the ancient Nazca Lines in Peru on a list of the world's most at-risk heritage sites. The World Monuments Fund included Preston Bus Station on their list

for its distinctive concrete brutalist architecture. John Major's father spent five years as a bus driver in Brixton, where he was known as Swifty Major. On the other hand, the grandfather of Formula One star Lewis Hamilton is a bus driver in Grenada, where his nickname is Slow Coach. Lloyd. Was John Major's father a bus driver? No.

Tom Major Ball, John Major's father, was a musical performer and circus artiste. Not funny, it's true. Patent number GB2060081 is for a minibus powered by a horse on a conveyor belt inside. Catherine. I think Lewis Hamilton's father is also a racer. Therefore, is it perhaps true that his grandfather

is a slow-driving bus driver? That's absolutely right. Well done. Davidson Hamilton earned his nickname for his careful under-30-miles-an-hour driving as he negotiated his school bus on the twisting roads of Grenada. Right, you're waiting for a true bus fact, and three come along together.

Here we go. In the movie Gravity, which was filmed at Elstree Studios, a double-decker bus drives past, clearly visible through the space capsule window behind Sandra Bullock. For the Bond movie Octopussy, a stunt was planned where a number 78 double-decker London bus had to leap from one side of London's Tower Bridge to the other when the bridge began to rise with the bus still on it.

However, the stunt had to be abandoned when the passengers complained. Bus drivers in Sutton Coalfield say they're fed up with the constant snoring of pensioners who drop off and make a terrible racket, often drowning out the engine. Lloyd.

Are bus drivers in Sutton Coalfield annoyed by snoring passengers? They are, Lloyd, they are. They're, in fact, bus drivers from Abbey Coachways who complained that passengers who dropped off after a long day's sightseeing were snoring so loudly they even drowned out the sound of the engine. Thank you, Graham. And at the end of that round, Graham, you've managed to smuggle two truths past the rest of

the panel, which are that you're allowed to drive a Routemaster bus with an ordinary driving licence as long as you don't carry too many passengers. You're limited to carrying eight passengers with a standard driving licence. You need a public service vehicle operators license to carry nine or more passengers. And the second truth is that patent number GB2060081 is for a minibus powered by a horse on a conveyor belt inside. The patent held at the European Patent Office also features a thermometer under the horse's collar that is connected to the vehicle instrument panel and a handle so the driver can signal to the horse

by bringing a mop into contact with it. And that means, Graham, you've scored two points. Which brings us to the final scores. In fourth place, with minus two points, we have Catherine Ryan. In third place, with no points, it's Graham Garden. In second place, with one point, it's John Richardson. And in first place, with a frankly dodgy-looking nine points, it's this week's winner, Lloyd Langford.

That's about it for this week. Goodbye. The Unbelievable Truth was devised by John Nesmith and Graham Garden and featured David Mitchell in the chair, with panellists John Richardson, Lloyd Langford, Graham Garden, and Catherine Wyatt. The chairman's script was written by Dan Gaster and Colin Swash, and the producer was John Naismith. It was a random production from BBC Radio 4.