The Unbelievable Truth - 13x03 Legs, The Internet, Dogs, The Middle Ages

Episode Date: December 22, 2021

13x03 21 April 2014 Alex Horne, Lucy Beaumont, John Finnemore, Jack Dee Legs, The Internet, Dogs, The Middle Ages

We present The Unbelievable Truth, the panel game built on truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. Hello and welcome to The Unbelievable Truth. on truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. Hello and welcome to The Unbelievable Truth, the panel show about incredible truths and fairly credible lies. Time to meet our panel. And there are certain people who, the moment they enter a room, just light it up. But we don't want them, they're arsonists. Instead, please welcome Alex Horne, Lucy Beaumont, John Finnemore and Jack Dee. The rules are as follows.

Each panellist will present a short lecture that should be entirely false, save for five pieces of true information, which they should attempt to smuggle past their opponents, cunningly concealed amongst the lies. Points are scored by truths that go unnoticed, while other panellists can win points if they spot a truth First up is Alex Horne. Alex, your subject is legs, described by my encyclopedia as

the limbs by which a person or animal moves or supports itself. Off you go, Alex. Fingers on buzzers, the rest of you. Philosophers Bertrand Russell and Jean-Paul Sartre had an ongoing unresolved argument about whether legs were joined at the top or joined at the bottom. The original

humans only had one leg each, with the second popping out soon after the Stone Age. Indeed, our close ancestors, the snakes, still only have the one admittedly very long leg. This is also true for worms and centipedes and millipedes. Indeed, the hundreds or even thousands of so-called legs on centipedes and millipedes aren't real legs, they're modified toenails.

In fact, because it is mostly just a leg, there's an African millipede called the wandering leg sausage and there's an American worm known as little wet leg. Lucy. Is there an American worm named little wet leg? There isn't, no. No such American worm. In fairness, you don't know them all. No, that's...

I... John? In that case, is there a real thing called the other thing? Yeah. Honestly, that's just... I mean, it's quite a cynical buzz, but it is the... Quite a cynical buzz. I think you get that from Fosters.

Well, the other named animal. Yeah yeah you can't remember what it was nope but i think it's the real animal yeah you're right it is true it's true yeah i'm very proud of that point yeah it doesn't deserve applause the thing that you correctly pointed out was true john just to remind you is that there's an afric African millipede called the wandering leg sausage. Yeah. You see, if I'd remembered what it was, I wouldn't have burst. It's not the only recently discovered species to have been given an unusual common name.

There's also the Burmese sneezing monkey, the ninja slug, the yeti crab, which apparently is really worth a look if you're Googling, and the Spongebob square pants mushroom. Alex. David.

Carry on. If you want proof that we all used to have one leg, look at, or at the very least imagine you're looking at, the Aborigines. A little while ago, some Australian scientists tried to work out why those guys are always balancing on one leg in the end they they were they were stumped although i agree although i'm pretty sure it's almost certainly something to do with the fact

that we all used to only have one leg forecasters predict humans should gain another leg in the next seven or eight years and will finally join most mammals on four legs just in time for the 2032 World Cup. Unfortunately, by then, most mammals will also have increased their number of legs. Indeed, some, like the mighty elephants, are currently practising for leg number five. Many elephants are now using their penises as an extra leg to support their full and daunting body weight. Please don't try to replicate this feat at home.

Or, more pertinently, when you're not at home. Of course, if used correctly, a broken leg can be useful, especially in battle. The Vikings used whittled femurs as swords, and hairy frogs have been known to break their own legs and then defend themselves in a

fight by using the broken bone as a sort of hairy frog claw. Jack? I think the whittled femur is probably true about vikings and no it's not not no you could imagine them coming into battle with a sort of if i was a viking i would have got straight onto that i must say well you might not because they did also have iron swords which possibly possibly even more effective i didn't say i was a rich viking did i Might not, because they did also have iron swords, which were possibly... LAUGHTER ..possibly even more effective. I didn't say I was a rich Viking, did I? LAUGHTER

And men who are as hairy as frogs are especially concerned about damage to their legs. Indeed, in a bid to play on this most primeval of phobias, a suggested title for the scariest film ever, Jaws, was What's That? Noshing on My Leg? Thank you, Alex. And at the end of that round, Alex, you've managed to smuggle four truths past the rest of the panel. past the rest of the panel.

Ooh, indeed. The first truth is that hairy frogs have been known to break their own legs and then defend themselves in a fight by using the broken bone as a sort of hairy frog claw. The second truth that you managed to smuggle is that one of the suggested titles for Jaws was What's That Noshing On My Leg? for Jaws was what's that noshing on my leg

originally titled silence in the water Jaws only got its final name after Peter Benchley asked his father for advice among his father's 200 suggestions was what's that noshing on my leg the third truth sorry there's so much admin it's a lot easier for me if the panel can have spotted some of these before the end of the lecture the third truth is that uh a little while ago some australian scientists tried to work out why aborigines are always balancing on one leg and in the end they were indeed stumped 1957 an australian university research project failed to discover why aborigines stand on one leg but the ability to stand on one leg is so important in aboriginal culture that in several tribes the traditional punishment for manslaughter was to be stabbed in the thigh and the final truth is that many elephants use their

penises as an extra leg to support their body weight they can that is definitely a round of applause for the elephants that's my god yeah that's admiration for the uh yes the the elephant's penis is both massive and prehensile, meaning they can use it to assist them in a range of activities, including support, swatting away flies and scratching their stomachs. What does prehensile mean? It means they can sort of move it around, like their trunks. God, it's ruined Dumba for me.

And that means, Alex, that you've scored four points. Brilliant. Thank you. 19th century surgeon Robert Liston was known as the fastest knife in the West End, although this did lead to accidents. In fact, during a leg amputation he once removed a patient's testicles

by mistake. He got the sack, but kept his job. OK, we turn now to Lucy Beaumont. Lucy, your subject is the internet, a global system of interconnected computer networks carrying an extensive range of information resources and services. Off you go, Lucy. Thank you. If you type the word search into an internet search engine,

you will break the internet. If you type the word askew into Google search, the page will tilt slightly clockwise. John. Yeah, I've done that. You've done that? I've done that and it works. Well, it does work.

So, yes, well done. I know, I've done it. Yeah, yeah. done that and it works. Well, it does work. So yes, well done. I know, I've done it. Yeah, yeah. Apparently the same thing happens if you type the word tilt into Google Search. The whole picture goes a bit, doesn't it?

I can't wait to try that. Here are some true facts that you may not know. The networking site, LinkedIn, is actually a social experiment to see how many people can join a group when they have no idea what it's actually for. There are e-groups on the internet for people of Welsh descent who are living with a fungal nail infection and for people who just want to swap sick bags.

This second email group originally began swapping images of kittens dressed as beauty queens and topless photos of Noel Edmonds. No-one knows why they moved on to sick bags. John? Nonetheless, I reckon they did move on to sick bags. They did move on to sick bags. You're right. they did move on to sick bags. They did move on to sick bags. You're right.

The group is called bathbagsatyahoogroups.com. The bags have to be unused, I should say, if you're interested in joining. And members refer to each other as fellow bagists. Particularly desirable bags include the Nepalese Skyline Airlines bag featuring a sari-clad woman vomiting pieces of chapati into an open bag. I wonder whether that encourages people to be sick who weren't previously needing to be sick. Because I certainly eat the mint of an airline meal when I don't really fancy it. So I might think, I'll use all the stuff, I'll listen to a bit of the radio, watch a movie. What is there left to do? Oh, I'll just fill that up.

If you want to pass time on a long-haul flight, one thing you can do is put your meal directly into the bag and then start eating it out of the bag. And then see how many people on the aeroplane use their bag... LAUGHTER ..for the real thing. LAUGHTER Lucy.

People have also logged on to internet sites to see such things as an Eskimo spending a day in Kavos, to witness the live birth of a Dutch munchkin, and to see a lump of cheddar cheese slowly mature in a Somerset storeroom. John? I'll go for the maturing cheese in a storeroom. I think maybe you can see that on the internet. You've been watching it, haven't you?

It's on my bookmarks, yeah. Yes, that's true. Around 1.2 million people have visited the site where they're treated to the side of a 50 pound cheese on a shelf sealed in a cheesecloth you'll be relieved to hear so you know it's not filth not a nude cheese uh sealed in a cheesecloth and crawling with bacteria um and yes well done Cheddar Vision, this groundbreaking online broadcast was hosted by teen heartthrob and male icon Adrian Charles. His presenting skills on the show were thought to be rather unanimated

and things finally came to a head when an assistant asked the lump of cheese what it wanted for lunch instead of asking Adrian Charles. The man who sent the world's very first email Jack? Well, I think the first email, he probably can't remember what was written in the first ever email. You're right to say that. That's absolutely correct. Sorry.

Ray, yes, it was Ray Tomlinson who sent it. He was a young engineer given the task of finding something interesting to do with a newly created computer network called ARPANET, the forerunner of the internet. The first email Tomlinson sent was between two computers in his office only ten feet apart and he can't remember what it

said. He does say that his test messages were usually gibberish. Mine are usually, hello. I'm testing a new email. I'd write, hello. How often do you test your emails? I would say a couple of times a year. I think you're panicking. No, genuinely, when I put an out-of-office thing on my email,

I'll, from another email account... Sorry, you've got an office? No, I haven't got an office. No, but sometimes I would send an email from another email account sorry you've got no i haven't got an office no no no no but sometimes i would send like an email from another email account to my main email account to see if that gets the out of office i know it's not really an office i should say out of fetid sleeping bag bounce back am i the only one ever to have done that i think you're the only one to have more than one email account that's quite strange what is it is it? Stalkers at Yahoo.com.

Come on. Who here has got more than one email address? Yeah, the more than one email address team. We can email ourselves. Because no one else ever will. Anyway, I usually put hello.

But Ray Tomlinson, who sent the first ever email to himself, just said he sent a load of gibberish. In Britain, the most viewed item on eBay was a pencil drawing of Pat Butcher and blocking a sink. And in Sweden, you can name your kid Google, but it's illegal to name your child Ikea. Jack? I would say you can't use the name Ikea.

I bet that's being copyrighted or something. You can't, unless your child is a flat pack. It is true that in Sweden you can't name your child Ikea, but that's not because of copyright. I think you could name you're not going to split that hair are you no I'm not I'm going to give you the point but I'm just I'm now following up with some fascinating information okay sorry sorry yeah couldn't you just email it to yourself the reason for this, you'll be interested to know, is that the 1982 Swedish naming law

prohibits certain names that are, quote, obviously unsuitable. Rejected names include Metallica, Superman, Veranda, but apparently Google is allowed. Veranda, I think, is rather a nice name for a girl. Veranda. I like it. And if you had a boy, Veranda. I like it.

And if you had a boy, you could call him Porch. I mean, now that just does sound like Hans Petit. Porch, Veranda, stop it! Thank you, Lucy. And, Lucy, I'm afraid at the end of that round you haven't managed to smuggle any truths past the panel but on the upside that does make my job a lot easier but it means that you've scored no points

The word Twitter was first used by Geoffrey Chaucer in 1374 followed by the words Hashtag wife of bath sucks was first used by Geoffrey Chaucer in 1374, followed by the words, Next up is John Finnemore. John, your subject is dogs, domesticated carnivorous mammals usually kept for guarding buildings, hunting or as pets. Off you go, John. My dog can fly.

Dogs and humans have been together since the beginning of time. The ancient Greeks used spaniels to catch fish and tell the future. Old English sheepdogs were used in Old England to herd pigeons and children. Aristocrats used miniature poodles as hand warmers. Sorry, start again. Alex. There's a lot going on. The dog... Your dog can fly. That's correct. Sorry, is that what you're buzzing in to say well

i've not pressed the button yet you had pressed the button i've not pressed it now but before that moment i hadn't and i thought are you aware of the meaning of the word yet oh yeah oh yeah love it i think herding uh. I think dogs used to herd pigeons. Because it seems... But you don't think John's dog can fly? Well, I did, but the look you gave me... LAUGHTER ..when I even suggested I might have thought that, so this seems slightly more likely.

They didn't used to herd. I know that. Yeah. LAUGHTER But you can buzz again if you like. Thank you. No again if you like. Thank you. No, no. OK. Starving peasants would allow Yorkshire terriers

to swim in a cauldron of warm water for ten minutes and then drink the result, known as dog soup. Jack. I think aristocrats warmed their hands up on poodles. You're right. Aristocrats used miniature poodles as hand warmers. Both miniature and toy poodles were used as hand warmers by the nobility and emerging middle classes

around the time of the Renaissance, who would carry the dogs in their large sleeves. The practice was so common that many breeds became known as sleeve dogs. So where would you put your hands? I mean, the hands... Not in the... Well, I know. It's none of this.

How does it keep you... You need a much bigger dog. I think I'd use Great Danes as hand warmers. That would be awful. Alex. What about on a plane? Like, if you've got... Your dog can fly.

Like, I think nowadays your dog can fly. So, yeah, I'm going to say dogs can fly. On a plane? Yeah, dogs can fly. Dogs can fly on a plane. I can even see that on the small print. Dogs can fly. Yeah.

No, they can. Problem is, I don't have a dog. Yep. Yeah. No, they can. Problem is, I don't have a dog. Yet. The actor John Wayne claims he had won Lassie the dog in a poker game. However, Lassie the dog claimed she had won the actor John Wayne in a poker game. Lucy. He might have claimed that he won it in a game. No, that's absolutely right.

Yes, he did make that claim. Yes, John Wayne claimed he won Lassie in a highly lubricated game of poker. And used him as a glove. That wasn't the nature of the lubrication. Wayne said that he gave the dog back in the morning. The Egyptian god Artem had the head of a dog and the body of a squirrel

and was forever chasing himself around heaven. And, of course, St Christopher is often portrayed with the head of a dog, owing to an unfortunate confusion between from Canaan and canine. David will like this. The Siberian husky is not technically a dog at all. It is, in fact, six cats in a costume. Alex. I think you would like that.

I would like that if what? He said David would like this. Yeah. And then he said a bit, and I was watching you. Little smirk. Little smirk. I think I liked it. No, I did like that.

I thought that was a very amusing piece of material, so I'm afraid you get a point for that. Sorry, John. The inventor Alexander Graham Bell claimed he had taught his dog to talk. As a boy, King William II rode out to hunt on a mastiff instead of a horse. Henry III would often wear a basket of Bichon Frises round his neck in a confused attempt to get girls to look at him.

And, of course, our Queen has six corgis, named Tesco, Shiny George, Little Sir Wolfsalot, Bernard Bernard Breslau, Argax the Destroyer, and Unnamed Dog. Thank you, John. And at the end of that round, John, you've managed to smuggle three truths past the rest of the panel, which are that St Christopher is often portrayed with the head of a dog, owing to an unfortunate confusion between the Latin for from Canaan and canine. It's definitely worth googling. They're really funny. It's just a very serious picture of a

saint with the head of a Doberman. And the second truth is that as a child, Alexander Graham Bell tried to teach the family terrier to speak. Bell first taught the dog to growl continually, after which he would reach his fingers into the long-suffering animal's mouth and manipulate various parts of its mouth and vocal cords. Eventually, he got the dog to produce something that sounded like,

which the young bell solemnly assured all who came to see the talking dog were the words, And the third truth is that Henry III loved dogs so much that he would wear a basket of Bichon Frises around his neck and he'd take them to council meetings in this basket. So that means, John, you've scored three points. Next up is Jack D. Jack, your subject is the Middle Ages, which, according to my encyclopedia,

is the period of European history dating from the fall of the Roman Empire to the Renaissance. Off you go, Jack. Because pigeons were the main source of fresh meat in the Middle Ages, places full of pigeons, like Trafalgar Square, obviously then called Ye Olde Squarey, were popular places to gather and barter. York Minster was so well known as a plentiful supply of pigeons that it is thought the expression on a wing in a prayer came from there. Peasants begging for scraps of food outside the minster could be heard chanting oh for the wings

of a dove alex i think there are probably a lot of pigeons around york minster i think it might have been famed as a gathering place for pigeon eaters it might have been, but no. No. Likewise, the ear and nasty inside bits of a cow were called umbles, and it's generally agreed that umble pie gives us the expression. Sorry to interrupt. No, that's all right. It's just because it's one of the facts that I know. Oh, good.

It's not humble. It's not eating humble pie, is it? It's actually eating... Humble, yeah. But, oh, good. Yeah. It's not humble. It's not eating humble pie, is it? It's actually eating... Humble, yeah. Humble. But you're absolutely right. Yeah. Humble pie, made from the innards of a deer, cow or other animal,

was a popular dish among the lower classes, and to eat humble pie refers to the humiliation of this state. In fact, a pasty filled with leftover humble pie was devised to serve the poorest of the poor by Pope Gregory III, and his pasties came to be known as Greggs. LAUGHTER Healthcare procedures included drinking the urine of a wild boar to cure rheumatic pains

and gluing a bat's wing onto one's scalp to remedy migraine, while medical opinion held that gout could be cured by burning the head of a cat than having the ashes blown into your eyes three times a day. Alex? I'm guessing one of them has to be true. I'm going to go for the wing... Did he use the word glued or...?

He used the word gluing. Gluing a bat's wing. I mean, now it's repeated. It seems less likely, but I'll go for that one. Gluing a bat's wing onto one's scalp to remedy a migraine. Yes. No, it's not true. No, I didn't know that.

I've tried it and it doesn't work. Does it not work? What glue did he use? You should try specialist bat glue. Yeah, or paracetamol. Yeah. Try specialist bat glue. Yeah, or paracetamol.

Medieval trading standards were stricter than they are today. A merchant selling a cabbage past its sell-by date would earn a stay in the stocks, and people caught adulterating alcoholic beverages would be put to death. John? Maybe they would be put to death for adulterating beverages. Yes, they would. Would they?

Yes. Yeah. OK. Yes, they would. Would they? Yes. Yeah. OK. Yeah, the... Yeah, the adulteration of alcohol was punishable by death in medieval Scotland. And in London, tavern owners were banned from keeping French, Spanish and German wines in the same cellars

in case they fraudulently mixed them. If a merchant was found to be selling corrupt wine, they were forced to drink all of it a child stealing a loaf of bread could be deported this involved a very long stay in jail waiting for someone to discover Australia among the few inventions of the time are the first nonstick pans friendship bracelets wheelbows, juggling and the crossbow. Lucy. Did they have wheelbarrows?

They did have. They invented wheelbarrows. That was spotted. Yeah, but that was a whole list of inventions. Yeah, and wheelbarrows is the one from the Middle Ages. The wheelbarrows we know it today appeared in Europe sometime between 1170 and 12 50 thank you jack and at the end of that round jack you've managed to smuggle two truths past the rest of the panel which are that pigeons were the main source of fresh meat in the middle ages particularly during

the winter months since it was Middle Ages, particularly during the winter months, since it was necessary to slaughter livestock before the winter when there would be no food to feed them with. And dovecots were introduced to Britain by the Normans, and the remains of these structures can still be seen today, many once capable of housing hundreds, even thousands, of breeding pairs of pigeons. And the second truth is that it was thought in the Middle Ages

that gout could be cured by burning the head of a cat, then having the ashes blown into your eyes three times a day. Edward Topsill, a cleric, suggested that this treatment would cure blindness at the same time. Owning a cat was thought to cure insanity. Drinking the... Which we now know is the opposite. Drinking the broth of a boiled black cat supposedly cured TB.

And general sickness could be cured by taking the dirty water a patient had just been washed in, throwing it over the cat, and then chasing the cat out of the house. Anyway, that means, Jack, you've scored two points. Which brings us to the final scores. In fourth place, with minus one point, we have Lucy Beaumont. In third place, with one point, it's Alex Horne. In second place, with three points, it's Alex Horne. In second place, with three points,

it's Jack Dee. And in first place, with an unassailable five points, it's this week's winner, John Finnemore. That's about it for this week. Goodbye. The Unbelievable Truth was devised by John Natesmith

and Graham Garden, and featured David Mitchell in the chair, with panellists John Finnemore, Lucy Beaumont, Alex Horne and Jack Dee. The chairman's script was written by Dan Gaster and Colin Swash and the producer was John Natesmith. It was a random production for BBC Radio 4.