The Unbelievable Truth - 13x04 Wales, The Mouth, Fish, Perfume

Episode Date: December 22, 2021

13x04 28 April 2014 Lloyd Langford, Katherine Ryan, Jon Richardson, Graeme Garden Wales, The Mouth, Fish, Perfume

We present the unbelievable truth, the panel game built on truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. Hello. on truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. Hello and welcome to The Unbelievable Truth, the panel show about incredible truths and barely credible lies. I'm David Mitchell. It's the radio show that, according to one letter, is what pensioners Eric and Dottie Renshaw of Bolton most like to listen to after six. And not, as I read out last week, after sex. Please welcome Lloyd Langford, John Richardson,

Catherine Ryan and Graham Garden. The rules are as follows. Each panellist will present a short lecture that should be entirely false, save for five pieces of true information which they should attempt to smuggle past their opponents, cunningly concealed amongst the lies. Points are scored by truths that go unnoticed, while other panellists can win points if they spot a truth

or lose points if they mistake a lie for a truth. First up is Lloyd Langford. Lloyd studied film and television at the University of Warwick, and as a result of his studies, here he is on radio. Lloyd, your subject is whales, not the large marine mammal but the country occupying the western peninsula of Great Britain, best known for its singers, writers and rugby players. Off you go Lloyd, fingers on buzzers the rest of you. Wales, a county of England, Is the birthplace of the equal sign

Snooker and incest Despite being completely landlocked And operating 20 years behind Greenwich meantime Wales ranks in the Lonely Planet's Top 10 places to visit Before or during your inevitable death The highest point in Wales is Montgomery Clift, and the dragon featured on the national flag is named Trevor.

The Welsh alphabet contains only two vowels, and every time they're used, they have to be signed out of the National Library. Welsh national dress is a look of confusion, undone trouser zip, and sideburns below the ears. It's identical for women with the addition of a bonnet. Ryan Giggs has slept with 8% of the population. And Catherine Zeta-Jones, JPR Williams and Arvon Haynes-Davis have all been given special dispensation

to cross the Severn Bridge without paying the toll. Graham. Where to start? I think crossing the Severn Bridge without paying the toll. What is the particular privilege of those celebrities? Yes, or at least one of them. No, it's none of them. Well, it should be.

Well, you can start a campaign. Yeah, I will. Which one would you start it for, Graham? Catherine Z them. Well, it should be. Well, you can start a campaign. Yeah, I will. Which one would you start it for, Graham? Catherine Zeta-Jones, I think. Yeah, quite right too. Depending on which direction she's going. Lloyd. Wales has two areas of outstanding natural beauty,

Newport Pembrokeshire and Charlotte Church. John. I think it probably does have two, does it? But not those? No. No? No, it has five, which are Anglesey, Clwydion Range and Dee Valley, Gower Peninsula,

the Llyn Peninsula and the Wye Valley, which is partly in England. What was that fourth one again? It was Cardiff City Centre. My hometown of Port Talbot boasts the longest orangerie in Britain, where they make the world-famous Welsh lilt, pineapple and leek flavour. Station Road in Port Talbot provided inspiration

for the computer game Street Fighter II Turbo. The section of the M4 motorway that passes through the town is known as the Derek Brockway, and Anthony Hopkins based his portrayal of emotionless psychopath Hannibal Lecter on local lad Ali Jones. In Patagonia, a recently discovered lizard species has been named after Sir

Tom Jones due to its loud croak, orange leathery skin and bizarre mating rituals. John. That, what he said, that thing. The lizard species named after Tom Jones? Yeah. No, that's not true. You know, I really wish it were.

I'm going to go and find one. The first hexapus, a six-legged version of an octopus, was found off the coast of Wales. Same? Catherine. Why not? I feel like perhaps it was a hexapus and it's Welsh. You're absolutely right.

The first hexapus, Henry the octopus with six legs, named after Henry VIII of Six Wives fame, was found in a lobster trap off the Anglesey coast. Henry lived for a further two years and attracted attention from as far afield as Japan. The second known specimen of a six-legged octopus was found by an American family on holiday in Greece in 2013. Not realising how rare their find was,

the family took it to the local taverna where it was cooked and served with tomato, lemon and lettuce. Do you know what's especially terrifying about octopuses? Is that when you keep them in captivity, there needs to be a roof on whatever aquarium they're in because they can climb up and over walls and down and away. And that's one of the most terrifying things I've ever learned. Presumably, they could just climb out of the sea whenever they want.

Oh, no! And what I've always assumed is they're just biding their time. I think they're just sort of massing somewhere off the coast until one of them gives the signal, and then it's all... And that's how we will all die. With the things on our faces like alien. The sand would sort of bread them, wouldn't it? You think?

They'd look like they'd been dipped, ready for deep frying. Well, maybe the sand would bread them, which would mean they'd have to approach via pebble beaches or concrete slipways. So that at least gives us areas where we can focus our defence.

Scientists at the University College of North Wales in Bangor have invented the Bangor Orange Position Estimated Equipment for Pastures, or Bo-Peep, a GPS system for sheep that allows their location to be plotted. Graham. Yeah, the University of Bangor did that, the Bo-Peep GPS system. Yes, you're absolutely right. That was a device designed and researched by the University of Bangor

and it was done at the University College of North Wales in Bangor, Yes, you're absolutely right. That was a device designed and research done at the University College of North Wales in Bangor, widely reported in 1977. So it's been around for a while. This software is currently Wales' number one online dating app. The entertainment exchange rate means that three Welsh BAFTAs can be traded in for one normal one. The dearth of entertainment in Wales means that a hole dug in the ground

once qualified as a private members' club. John? I think the hole in the ground was maybe a private members' club. You're absolutely right, it was. may be a private members club you're absolutely right it was this was the result of the strict sunday closing whales act of 1881 which banned the sale of alcohol in welsh pubs on the sabbath private members clubs were not subject to the same rules so in 1893 residents of grangetown won the right to call a hole in the ground next to which they'd spread a carpet an

invitation-only private members club called the Hotel de Marle. And, in fact, that was the end of Lloyd's lecture. At the end of that round, Lloyd, you've managed to smuggle two truths past the rest of the panel,

which are that Wales is the birthplace of the equals sign, which you slipped in very deftly right at the start. The inventor of the equals sign was Robert Record, a 16th-century mathematician from Tenby who described the equals sign as a pair of parallels of one length because no two things can be more equal. And the second truth is that Port Talbot boasts the longest orangery in Britain. The orangery at Margam Park in Port Talbot is 327 feet long. It was built between 1786 and 1790 by

Thomas Mansell Talbot to house more than 100 inherited orange and lemon trees. And that means, Lloyd, that you've scored two points. OK, we turn now to Catherine Ryan. Catherine brings with her the Canadian seal of approval, which has been brutally clubbed to death. Catherine, your subject is the mouth. The opening through which an animal takes in

food and issues vocal sounds typically formed of lips, tongue, gums and teeth. Off you go, Catherine. In human anatomy the mouth is the cavity lying at the upper end of the Caledonian Canal. Bounded on the outside by the labia majora and on the outside by the Labia Majora

and on the inside by marriage-destroying lies. For this... John. It's the Labia Majora thing. Oh, no. Let me just... Can I just... Before we go any further...

Ah, no. Oh, dear. Right now, I'm trying to remember anything else you've said so that I can pretend I thought that was true. Is the Labia Majora thing true, David? Really, you should have covered this at school. I went to an all-boys

school. No, that's not true. That's very much you know, other end. My girlfriend has been lying to me. We've been over this, John. I'll draw you another picture.

Yeah, the last one got damaged. For this reason, it's often referred to as the moral cavity. The mouth is also known as the abba cavity, derived from the Latin abbas, meaning speaking anus.

There are more bacteria in the human mouth than in the human anus. It's probably... Lloyd. That's true. Listen to the lady. That's true, I've checked. Me and her did some research before the show.

You're absolutely right. That is true. Yeah. There are more than 350 species of bacteria living in the human mouth compared to between 50 and 100 in the anus. However, the anal bacteria have the potential to be far more dangerous medically and include MRSA and E. coli. But it's, you know, with bacteria, it's very much quality, not quantity. Catherine.

Best yoghurt commercial ever. It's perhaps for this reason that the people in ancient Greece carried money in their mouth. Graham. Yeah, I think they did carry the money in their mouth, didn't they? Yeah, they did. Yes, well done. Yes, it was the habit of poorer ancient Greeks to carry their spending money in their mouths

in order to foil thieves in the shoulder-to-shoulder bustle of the cities. The mouth is an integral element of all mating rituals worldwide. In the African Tureki tribe, if a young man offers beer to a woman and she spits some of it into his mouth, they are engaged to be married. Graham. That's what she told me too.

It's true, isn't it? It is true. The Kama Sutra describes 39 types of mouth congress, the most intimate being the muted ox, which involves a Tibetan woman in her ripest of childbearing years placing her mouth directly on the eyeball of her intended suitor. Lloyd. Does the Kama Sutra have 39 examples of mouth congress? No. No, it doesn't.

God, Lloyd, you know nothing about sex. OK. Queen Elizabeth I used to stuff cotton cloths into her mouth to avoid the sunken appearance her toothlessness gave her. Graham, I'm sure I've read somewhere about Queen Elizabeth putting cotton wool balls into her mouth to puff her cheeks out. I don't know whether you read that somewhere, but it is true. Well done.

And American Gary Bashaw can mix chocolate powder and milk in his mouth and pour it out of his nose as a milkshake. Thank you, Catherine. pour it out of his nose as a milkshake. Thank you, Catherine. And at the end of that round, Catherine, you've managed to smuggle one truth past the rest of the panel, which is that American Gary Boucher can mix chocolate powder and milk in his mouth

and pour it out of his nose as a milkshake. Using this method, in 1999, Gary Boucher made a record-breaking 54 millilit nose as milkshake. Using this method, in 1999, Gary Bashaw made a record-breaking 54 millilitres of milkshake in one go. Have you got figures on how many boys were brought to the yard as a result of that? And that means, Catherine, you've scored

one point. Next up is John Richardson. John recently made a Channel 4 documentary entitled A Little Bit OCD, dealing with his need to strive for perfection and order in all things. I too strive for perfection in all things, but the panel is

what it is. There's no point griping now. John, your subject is fish. Cold-blooded aquatic animals that breathe with gills and usually have fins and scales. Off you go, John. Fish are named after the lead singer of the band Marillion, who discovered them whilst on holiday in Florida in 1976.

Fish from Marillion was drawn into the sea that day by the melodic grunting of a local gurnard which him is stuck for the cries of a drowning pig. The fish grunts are a warning of an imminent thunderstorm, and when the storm forecast came true, fish tried to get the gurnard a job as a TV weather forecaster. Though the BBC refused to contract a gurnard, a compromise was reached with the employment of a less successful stormgater,

the Michael Fish. The Michael Fish is unique in that you can tell its age by checking the tattoo on its left nipple, whereas other fish can be dated by counting the rings on one of their bones. Off the television, fish have been more successful in the sphere of Scottish politics, where Alistair Marlin, Alex Salmon and Nicola Sturgeon are all currently in office. The Alex Salmon is poisonous, and eating it will cause you to lose exactly a pound, whereas caviar from the Nicola Sturgeon is blue

and has a street value of £42 per kilo. She has yet to sell any and is, as such, £75,000 short of the record caviar haul from one fish, which stands at £75,000. Lloyd? I'll go for that as a fact. The record caviar haul from one fish? Yep.

That's not a fact. No. It's nowhere near the record haul. The record haul from one fish? Yep. That's not a fact. No. It's nowhere near the record haul. The record haul from one beluga sturgeon, which is about 360 kilograms of caviar, because they're big fish, is worth, in today's money,

£2.24 million. I'm going to have to go to a better class of cavats a player. Fish have always been a healthy revenue provider in general. Before Amstrad, Sir Alan Sugar was a trawler man, and the technology giant Samsung's success was built on sales of their first product, dried fish. Due to overfishing in recent years, it is now illegal in Alaska to use the expression plenty more fish in the sea,

unless the person you're talking to is called Annette. Recently, single people must instead be told, you will probably die alone, and sent to join sent to join Scientologists. Jesus once said, whensoever you see the devil, you truly see anemone. Causing sea anemone sails to plummet worldwide. It's rumoured that his miracle should have been the feeding of the 5002 but a swordfish due to be eaten was

in court for breaking the 70 mile an hour underwater speed limit at the time and a flounder escaped and was able to disguise itself as a chessboard, a skill they've kept to this day. Lloyd. They can do that, I think. What?

Disguise themselves as chessboards if they... You're absolutely right. Yeah, the flounder changes its colour to camouflage itself and can even reproduce the black and white squares from a chessboard on its upper surface, if that's the, you know, the terrain it's trying to hide on. And sea cucumber are able to evade all predators by turning from a solid to a liquid. Graham.

There's something about a sea cucumber that can sort of appear to dissolve into a liquid. Much like an ordinary cucumber left in the fridge. No, you're absolutely right. That's quite true. Yes, the malleable sea cucumber, a relative of the starfish, is able to internally liquefy its non-vital organs in order to squeeze its body into small crevices to avoid predators. And when it's safe, it comes out and re-solidifies.

So essentially it's like Terminator 2. But a little less sort of handy. That would have been a much duller film. They sent back a sea cucumber. I'm gonna hide in a nook. Thank you, John. And at the end of that round, John,

you've managed to smuggle three truths past the rest of the panel, which are that the grunts of the Gurnard are a warning of an imminent thunderstorm, and it's said to be more reliable than weather forecasters. The second truth is that fish can be dated, their age can be determined, by counting the rings on one of their bones. It's the ear bone, or otolith,

and the process works like counting tree rings. There's a series of fine rings that are laid down in bony, calcified material for each year the fish is alive. And the third truth is that technology giant Samsung's success was built on sales of their first product, dried fish. And that means, John, that you've scored three points. Next up is Graham Garden. As well as a talented comedian,

Graham is also a qualified medical doctor, although he qualified so long ago that hepatitis only went up to A. Graham, your subject is perfume, a fluid that emits a fragrant scent, usually made up of natural oils extracted from flowers, woods and spices. Off you go, Graham. We are in the Wild West of Scotland.

And what's that smell? Can it be the unmistakable aroma of the Royal Marines crawling through the heather? Yes, it's the scent of Avon Skin So Soft, the Marines' preferred body lotion. Is it feasible that perhaps a lot of Marines' wives or family members at home become Avon sellers? This is

a great way to earn money from home on your own schedule. The adverts would have me believe it's very glamorous and you get to hang out with your friends, sell products that you already love. So I think the Marines' preferred lotion is maybe Avon. You're absolutely right. But it has to be said,

your reasoning couldn't be more wrong. The reason the Marines like Skin So Soft is because it's an excellent insect repellent. Not designed as such, but that's its effect. The hardy Royal Marine Commandos who guard the nuclear submarines at Fastlane use the Avon product to repel midges as it works better than the army-issue mosquito repellent. The packaging boasts that the product will

ensure your skin feels velvety soft hour after hour. But a store sergeant at 45 Commando says, there is nothing effeminate about it. In everybody's favourite film, The Devil Bat, Bella Lugosi plays a crazed scientist who trains bats to kill at the scent of shaving lotion. Coco Chanel was already well advanced in years when she followed her sisters, Horlicks and Ovaltine Chanel,

into the perfume business. As her lucky number was five, she chose sample number five. Out of a range of scent samples she was offered, launched it on the fifth day of the fifth month and to date she has sold five bottles catherine it was the fifth sample that coco chanel tested i believe you're right to believe that that's true it's also true that she launched it on the fifth day of the fifth month. Chanel described it as a perfume like nothing else,

a woman's perfume with the scent of a woman. Seems ridiculous, because a woman's presumably already got the scent of a woman. That's what she's trying to mask. Scientists have discovered that the... Oh, no, they have. Scientists... LAUGHTER John?

I don't know, whatever you were saying when you said, no, they have, that I've decided now is definitely true. Shall I finish it? True, otherwise you wouldn't have lied. This is what scientists have discovered that Graham hasn't yet said, so you think this is true. Let me tell you. I'm confidently stating now that this is a fact.

OK, Graham. John believes that scientists have discovered that the reason the perfume Lily of the Valley is preferred by pensioners is that it is especially effective at calming the libido of gentlemen whose attentions might be unwelcome. Yes, I can hear nothing there that makes me change my mind. Unfortunately, that's not true. Although, conversely, Lily of the Valley perfume

is attractive to sperm in massive amounts, imitating the effect of progesterone on sperm. I don't know how they found that out, but apparently... But not people. Doesn't repel or attract people, but sperm, they love it. I think it's powerful enough, like,

if all the sperm chased after it for a man to be dragged. Would that be a defence in court? Wasn't me, officer. I was dragged by my sperm. Only four male celebrities have ever launched their own brands of aftershave. And it has to be said to mixed reviews on Amazon. P. Diddy's Fairy Dust. Wear at your own risk. Donald Trump's The Fragrance. Gold Diggers and Bimbos Will Love It,

Omar Sharif's Lollipop Bling, Women Who Can Think for Themselves Will Be Repelled, and Justin Bieber's Aftershave, called simply Ouch. Motel Soap will leave a person more appealing than this. A Japanese company has developed the Sentee, or smelly phone, a personal scent synthesizer that lets you send odors to your friend's smartphones. Now, if somebody asks, was that you? You can reply, no, that was my friend in Okinawa.

Catherine. I know that the Japanese are avoiding all forms of human contact and they have fewer relationships and fewer babies. I definitely saw this. And they're replacing human contact with such things as smellophones. Yeah, that's true. That's absolutely right. Surely they're missing a trick there.

They should call it the Smelfie. That sounds like you're making a smell for yourself. The Smelfie, that's essentially the fart that you enjoy alone. Thank you, Graham. And at the end of that round, Graham, you've managed to smuggle two truths past the rest of the panel, which are that in the film The Devil Bat, Bela Lugosi plays a crazed scientist

who trains bats to attack at the smell of a perfume shaving lotion. And the second truth is that of those fragrances that Graham listed, the true one is that Donald Trump's fragrance is called The Fragrance. An Amazon review for it reads, gold diggers and bimbos will love it. Other Amazon reviews for Trump, The Fragrance. I don't think Donald Trump knows that his name means fart. And I don't think he employs

people honest enough to tell him. Other reviews for Trump the fragrance include I bought some Trump the fragrance and tried it out recently when my wife got a whiff of me she said I wasn't allowed in the house until November unless she could hose that smell off me. Anyway, that means, Graham, you've scored two points. The faint trace of perfume left in the wake of a passing person is known as silage, or, in the case of Katie Price's perfume, silage. Which brings us to the final scores.

In fourth place, with minus two points, we have... APPLAUSE In third place, with no points, it's... APPLAUSE In second place, with three points, it's... APPLAUSE And in first place, with an points, it's Catherine Ryan. And in first place, with an unassailable five points,

it's this week's winner, Graham Garden. That's about it for this week. Goodbye. The Unbelievable Truth was devised by John Natesworth and Graham Garden and featured David Mitchell in the chair, with panellists John Richardson, Lloyd Langford, Graham Garden, and Catherine Ryan. The chairman's script was written by Dan Gaster and Colin Swash, and the producer was John Nesmith. It was a random production from BBC Radio 4.