The Unbelievable Truth - 13x06 School, Bears, Underwear, Bottles

Episode Date: December 22, 2021

13x06 12 May 2014 Tony Hawks, Susan Calman, Phill Jupitus, Miles Jupp School, Bears, Underwear, Bottles

We present The Unbelievable Truth, the panel game built on truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. Hello and welcome to The Unbelievable Truth. In the world of comedy, it's always a temptation as the host of a panel show to invite your favourite people on as guests, but I've resisted that. Please welcome instead Phil Jupitus, Miles Jupp, Susan Calman and Tony Hawks. The rules are as follows. Each panellist will present a short lecture that should be entirely false,

save for five pieces of true information, which they should attempt to smuggle past their opponents, cunningly concealed amongst the lies. Points are scored by truths that go unnoticed, while other panellists can win points if they spot a truth or lose points if they mistake a lie for a truth. First up is Tony Hawks. Tony is currently collaborating with Chesney Hawks

on an album of new songs. And if you're half as excited about that as I am, then we've invented a whole new level of indifference. Tony, your subject is school, described by my encyclopedia as an institution at which instruction is given, usually to children or young people. Off you go, Tony.

Fingers on buzzers, the rest of you. The word school comes from the Latin word squolum, meaning place of scholars. No, I tell a lie. The word school comes from the Greek word sköle, which means leisure. Actually, the word school comes from Slough like everything else from Slough it got out as soon as it could

according to a poll Michael Gove is by far and away the best education secretary in the world the poll is called Bogdan Tomaszewski, and he was recently committed to a hole, where ironically he is being tested every three months. Prince Philip's nicknames at school included Greco, Flop, and You'll Never Marry Well. Phil, Prince Philip was called Flop. He was called Flop. I was actually named after Prince Philip. My mum named

me after Phil the Greek, yes. She told me that after I came back from a miner's benefit. Well, yes, it's absolutely true that to his school friends, the Duke of Edinburgh was known as Flop, a nickname derived with prep school logic from his name Philip, first to flip and then to flop. A school of undressing was founded for women in Manhattan in 1937

in the belief that poor disrobing techniques were driving up divorce rates. Miles. I think that's true. The school of undressing. Yeah, I think it still exists. I recently attempted to enrol. That is absolutely true. Well done.

Yes, Life magazine reported that 48 wives had signed up for the course, which cost $30 for six lessons, and promised to teach wives how to make going to bed appear a thing of charm and pleasure rather than a routine chore. The course used burlesque dancers as models. Do you think it matters how, if one is going to bed, if one has the promise of lying next to someone in a bed,

does it matter how one removes the clothes? I mean, if I undressed clumsily, Miles, would you reject me? I would think Susan is more than typically drunk. But not a lot more. LAUGHTER I agree with you, Susan.

I don't think that the premise of the school of undressing is particularly sound. And there is a lederhosen school in LA where students are taught about every aspect of lederhosen. Susan. Yes. Lederhosen. The lederhosen school in LA.

There's a lot to learn about lederhosen in LA. Week two, chafing. What's week one no I'm sorry there is no lederhosen school in LA on the subject of lederhosen it's a well known fact that all future

pop stars are encouraged to wear lederhosen to school as it helps them to hit the high notes John Lennon's auntie Mimi used to insist he wore them. Jarvis Cocker's mother made him and Cliff Richard wore them through choice.

Susan. I think the Jarvis Cocker one is true. You're right. Jarvis, Jarvis Cocker revealed to the Daily Mail that he became the target of playground bullies after his mother sent him to school wearing lederhosen.

In order to receive the LRAM qualification, art teachers have to teach at a school in Ramsgate, like Monet, Manet and Van Gogh did. Phil. Manet. No. Susan. Monet. No. Miles.

Ramsgate, definitely there. Absolute fact of a place. Ramsgate's there, yes. Thank you, thank you. Yeah, that's not an assertion of Tony's there, yes. Thank you, thank you. That's not an assertion of Tony's there. Phil. I'm hemorrhaging points. I might as well carry on.

Van Gogh. Van Gogh taught in a school in Ramsgate. Yes. Van Gogh taught maths, French and geography to 24 boys between the ages of 10 and 14 at a down-at- Heel Private School in Ramsgate for no salary, just free board and lodging. Young Jeremy Clarkson was ruthlessly bullied

for still having to wear a nappy to school. His parents were so distressed at seeing him come home every day in tears that they insisted he give up the teaching job. Thank you, Tony. At the end of that round, Tony, you've managed to smuggle one truth past the rest of the panel, which is

that our word school derives from the Greek word skola, which translates as leisure, or spare time, rest, ease, idleness. And that means you've scored one point. Prince Charles was bullied at school because he was the heir to the throne. I'll get my own back when I'm king, he thought, 62 years ago. We turn now to Susan Calman.

Your subject, Susan, is bears. Large, strong, omnivorous mammals known for their thick fur, short tails, strong claws, and in some species, winter hibernations. Off you go, Susan. No! Screamed Christopher Eccleston as he became the first celebrity to lose a wrestling match with a bear as part of the new Channel 5 show, Bears vs Celebs. I agreed to take part because my agent told me it was actually Morrissey in a bear costume.

The bears on the show lived in luxury. The polar bears lived with the Welsh and Scottish Nandi bears as their Irish heritage made their Celtic cousins perfect companions. None of them spoke to the English Kermode bears, named for their resemblance to film critic Mark Kermode. Phil. Bears don't speak! I mean...

I see what you mean. So you're saying that she said none of them spoke to the English commode bears. Yeah. And that's true because none of them could speak. Because bears don't talk. Ooh.

That's very... I mean, I need hardly tell you that that is not one of the truths that Susan was given. You need not, sir. Do you know what? For sneakiness alone, I think that Susan was given. You need not, sir. But does that... Do you know what? For sneakiness alone, I think that deserves a point. Yeah.

Are bears naturally aggressive, I wondered? Well, the Pizli, which is a cross between a polar bear and a grizzly bear, is responsible for two-thirds of bear-related deaths in America. And the Syriac, a cross between a Syrian brown bear and a Kodiak bear is known to crush a person's skull with one bite to them. We're like Ferrero Rocher Phil I think the polar grizzly cross hybrid evil bear is the killer of whom Is the killer of whom?

Well what is true is that the Paisley is a real bear Which is a cross between a polar bear and a grizzly bear so I think I'll give you the point for that even though it is Not responsible for two-thirds of Joy out of my wind You know this prevarication and the thing Phil, you're not a real winner. This is like my O-levels all over again. Look, Pizley, though, I mean, to just go with that name is poor, isn't it? It's a poor effort by the naming people. But better than a growler bear.

Yeah, I mean, it's a poor effort by bear namers. I agree with you. I don't think that the full majesty of what must be a fearsome beast is conveyed with the word Pizzly. I was determined I would not end up like Jedward, who lasted only five seconds with the bear. I prepared by watching the bears sleep. Oddly, some bears slept standing up and some in nests.

The preferred nest is that of a pigeon. I determined to learn the names of all the bears, but initially I couldn't tell whether the bears were male or female. Miles, some bears sleep standing up? No. Phil, you can't initially tell the gender of a bear. I don't know. When you say initially, I'm not sure whether I't initially tell the gender of a bear. I don't know when you say initially I'm not sure

whether I could initially tell the gender of a bear the sentence is actually but initially I couldn't tell whether they were Susan can't initially tell the gender of a bear. But this whole moment of initially being able to tell or not is part of a fiction about

a supposed Channel 5 show in which Christopher Eccleston and Jed would have been torn to shreds Initially concern you know I think you'd go. Oh, there's a bear yeah Not look at the way that bears standing I think that's that's a ladies gate Look at the way that bear's standing. I think that's a ladies' gate, isn't it? Susan. Yeah.

Lack people never mention a polar bear by name in case they offend it. Instead, they call it the old man in the fur coat. Phil. Lack people call polar bears the old man in the fur coat. They absolutely do. Yeah. I was paired against one of the older bears. Well, I say that, it's difficult to tell the age of a bear. I assumed it was old because it was chewing a Werther's Original.

Some say the proper way is that you saw a bear's tooth in half and count the rings inside. Phil, tooth rings. True. Well done. We wrestled and I won. Not because of my strength, but because I sang Sheila Take a Bow loudly. It turns out that bears think Morrissey is murder.

Thank you, Susan. And at the end of that round, Susan, you've managed to smuggle two truths past the rest of the panel, which are that polar bears have Irish heritage an international research team compared DNA from the teeth and skeletons of 17 bears found at eight cave sites across Ireland with modern polar bears and came to the conclusion that polar bears moved south during the last ice age where they mated with these Irish female brown bears before heading north again at some point. And the second truth is that some bears sleep in nests. The Asian sun bear makes its nest in a tree

and the dens of American black bears are classified as nests. And that means, Susan, you've scored two points. A cross between a polar bear and a grizzly bear is called a pizley. You might think that the name for such a beast should be Grander, but that, of course, is a cross between a grizzly and a panda. Next up is Phil Jupitus. Phil is the regular host of the Times podcast The Game, which turns out to be about football and not, as I originally assumed, prostitution. Certainly the discussion of the player who slid his tackle roughly in from behind

now sounds a lot less interesting. Phil, your subject is underwear. Garments worn next to the skin and under other clothing. Off you go, Phil. Hello. I am not wearing any underwear. I never wear underwear. That's how unhip and redundant these absurd garments are. I am not wearing any underwear. I never wear underwear.

That's how unhip and redundant these absurd garments are. As I discovered recently on a fact-finding trip to Brussels, where they have the famous Underpants Museum. It's not all it's cracked up to be. Susan. I'm going to go for Brussels, because I'd have to start talking about Phil not wearing pants. So I think there's an underwear museum in Brussels.

There is an underwear museum in Brussels. Saint Michael, the patron saint of underwear... What? ...decreed that any underwear showing unwholesome stains was to be set alight and burned, a ritual that became known as Marks and Sparks. People once wondered why President Abraham Lincoln died penniless, but after his widow was declared insane in 1875, doctors found $56,000 concealed in her underwear. Tony?

I think Lincoln died penniless. No, he didn't. I'm going to stop thinking. Little known fact, he was assassinated. In a theatre in Washington while still President of the United States. He could have put all of his money on a horse that afternoon. No, he didn't.

Employees at Disneyland are not permitted to wear their own underwear while dressing in character. Oh, a very firm buzz from Susan. You have to wear Disney pants when you're dressed as a Disney character to give it the proper respect. That must be true. It is true, Susan. Yes, instead the park provides

them with jock straps, cycling shorts and tights. And in 2001 after two months of negotiations Disneyland employees won the right to be assigned their own Disney-issue underwear, which they could take home themselves to wash. This followed employees' concerns that shared clothing posed a health risk. A union representative reported that in two years alone, there had been at least three cases of costumed workers contracting pubic lice or scabies as a result

of having to share underwear washed in Disney's laundry. Costumed workers are obliged to wear regulation underwear and tights as normal underwear bunches up and can be seen under the costumes. So the next time you holiday in a Disney resort just think of poor old

Goofy as he itches and scratches. That's presumably where the idea of itchy and scratchy came from can I ask a supplemental question, it's a question I've never felt able to ask but it's some men here I don't know what a jockstrap is

can someone tell me I hear it said but it's a men here I don't know what jockstrap is holding down Scotsman anyone on your roof rack or it's a little pouch yes Yes. And it has... It doesn't have to be little, Tony. It's a great big pouch. And then there's a bit of string on each side that goes over one buttock each, so there's nothing behind the bottom at all other than the air. So, Tony Hawk says it's an item of underwear. Miles Jupp jockstrap.

What it is, it's a very, very minimal containment device for Wilson, Keppel and Betty. I've just never understood. I've never understood what it is. Thank you very much indeed. Now you know. Conan Doyle only once refers to his hero's underwear in all his Sherlock Holmes tales.

Although some dispute the author's intended meaning. It's in this extract from The Hound of the Baskervilles. The beast was outside the door, yet Holmes calmly carried on with his preparations. Watson, he commanded, pack my revolver, my Inverness cape, and my

thorn-proof trousers. Hear how the beast growls and pants. Bras, known in some underwear circles as death hammocks, contribute to the 40,000 underwear-related injuries in Britain each year. Susan? Yeah, I think bras are dangerous. But they're not known as death hammocks in underwear circles. No, but they contribute to the accidents.

40,000. 40,000. Yeah, there aren't 40,000 underwear-related injuries in Britain every year. Well, maybe they're not reported, David. Maybe there are women listening going, I'm not alone. Maybe this is the start of a positive campaign from the unbelievable truth to get women to actually report their bra related injuries maybe if I come back

next year we'll find that that is a truth it is a truth but it's a reported truth I can't think of a program better placed for such a campaign it's just going to be Susan tweeting my knickers are up my bum about 20 times for such a campaign. It's just going to be Susan tweeting, my knickers are up my bum. About 20 times over the next week and that'll be it.

Do I speak like Jeanette Cranky? Yes, you do. My knickers are up my bum. I don't think you speak like Jeanette Cranky. It's just of the people on the panel today, you speak the most like Jeanette Cranky. It's just of the people on the panel today you speak the most like Jeanette Cranky. In 1999,

two women were killed in London when a bolt of lightning hit the metal underwiring in one of their bras. Susan. Bras are dangerous. That is true, but I would say that that's more evidence that lightning is dangerous than brass. During the Second World War, ingenious housewives would fashion bras out of used grapefruit halves and empty tortoise shells. Perhaps this inspired the designing of the bra which saves lives by breaking into two separate gas masks. Sylvester Stallone, Steve McQueen and Elizabeth Taylor got their first break as underwear models.

TV heartthrob Adrian Childs also applied, but was turned down as they couldn't decide which way up to shoot him. Thank you, Phil. And at the end of that round, Phil, you've managed to smuggle two truths past the rest of the panel. The first of which is that President Lincoln's widow was declared insane in 1875 and doctors found $56,000 concealed in her underwear. And the second truth is that there is a patent for a bra that breaks into two separate gas masks. One gas mask is intended for the wearer and the other to be given to a needy bystander. Dr. Eleanor Bodnar won the 2009 Ig Nobel Prize for Public Health for her invention.

And that means, Phil, that you've scored two points. Next up is Miles Jupp. Miles is the son of a church minister in the United Reformed Church. And I've always enjoyed his comedy. Indeed, the only man who could ever reach me was the son of a preacher man. Yes, he was. Miles, your subject is bottles. Portable, rigid containers for holding and storing liquids.

Off you go, Miles. The earliest babies' drinking bottles were made out of a cow's horn and had a leather teat. At least, that's what my nanny told me they were. They were great if a trifle chewy. Tony. I think the earliest bottles were cow's horns with leather teats. That's absolutely right.

Yes. People who collect bottles are generally considered great fun to be around. Susan? Well, it depends what's in the bottles. If someone collects bottles of whiskey or beer, then they are great fun to be round. Is that the message you want to send out

to young people over the airways? Oh, yeah, just get some booze in. Buy your friends. Well, OK, if it's a bottle... Buy your friends with intoxicants. And how much more fun is the person with a syringe? Yeah. Yeah, the person who collects syringes.

Yeah, he's the fun guy. Yeah, I want to go round his place. You disgust me. I don't think that that's what Miles meant by a collector of bottles. I think he meant people who collect empty bottles. You've been given points to Phil, who does seem like your favourite tonight. I think we've all been thinking that. If Phil goes, oh, but David...

Oh, good, then, Phil, have a blanket! It's like we're in the room. No, but no, no, I have been giving points to Phil, but as you rightly say, that's because he's my favourite. So I think you've answered your own question. Miles. If you do collect bottles and no longer have room for them in your home, you can take them to a bottle bank where they will be looked after for you. If you do collect bottles and no longer have room for them in your home, you can take them to a bottle bank, where they will be looked after for you. If you go back to the bottle bank and discover that your bottles have become broken, it is your right to complain,

and claim as compensation the total value of your damaged bottles in old clothes or cardboard. In the UK, it was Fat Boy Slim's dad, Ron, who introduced the first bottle banks, and apparently they got on well. Susan? I'm losing, I'm just going to go down fighting now. Bottle banks, Fat Boy Slim's dad first introduced them. That's absolutely right, yes.

The man who designed Perrier water bottles was, like all right-thinking people, an obsessive fan of juggling. The distinctive bottle is modelled on the shape of a juggling club, the type you throw and not the type we all aspire to join. Phil?

The man who invented Perrier bottles, King Juggler. I'm thinking, Tony. I think I know what the truth was, though. What were you going to say? That it's modelled on the juggling ball. That's the bottle's shape. I mean, I'm deeply frustrated by the way the two of you

have between you failed to quite express what the truth is, even though you're buzzing in the right area. Phil said that the guy that invented the Perrier bottle was a fan of juggling, which he was not. And then Tony said that he modelled the bottle on a juggling ball, which is obviously not true because the bottle is not ball-shaped. But what is true is that he modelled it on a juggling club. Susan buzzed then, but I'm sorry, I haven't got time. I don't know what to do.

Were you going to say... Yes, I was. Well, I think the safest thing, just all round, is to just give Susan a point. And we'll move on. The Persians were particularly fond of bottling human tears as they believed they could cure all manner of ills. Phil. Tear medicine. The Persians bottled tears.

The Persians did bottle tears. Well done. In Persia and Egypt, tears were wiped from the cheeks of mourners and stored in a tear bottle or lacrimatory. It was thought that in the agony of death, when all medicines had failed, these tears could revive a person when dropped into the mouth. Tear bottles were used in the UK into the Victorian era when mourners would collect their tears in bottles

and the eventual evaporation of the tears would mark the end of the mourning period. In Croatia, there is a bottle of human tears on display in their ever-popular Museum of Broken Relationships. If you see a long-distance lorry driver flinging a bottle of liquid from the passenger window out onto a verge, it is considered very good luck to pick it up. the passenger window out onto a verge, it is considered very good luck to pick it up.

Although it is then considered even better luck to wash your hands. Thank you, Miles. And at the end of that round, Miles, you've managed to smuggle one truth past the rest of the panel, which is that in Croatia there is a bottle of human tears on display in their Museum of Broken Relationships

in Zagreb. The bottle has toured internationally, even visiting the Lincolnshire town of Sleaford. Oh, I can't believe I missed it. And that means, Miles, that you've scored one point. Which brings us to the final scores. In fourth place, with minus four points, we have Miles Jupp. In third place, with minus three points, it's Tony Hawks.

In second place, with one point, it's Susan Kalman. And in first place, with an unassailable two points, it's my favourite, Phil Jupiter. Goodbye. The Unbelievable Truth was devised by John Natesmith and Graham Garden and featured David Mitchell in the chair, with panellists Tony Hawkes, Bill Jupitus, Susan Kalman

and Miles Jupp. The chairman's script was written by Dan Gaster and Colin Swash and the producer was John Naismith. It was a random production from BBC Radio 4.