The Unbelievable Truth - 14x01 Penguins, Spoons, Dolls, Letters

Episode Date: February 12, 2022

14x01 29 December 2014 Lloyd Langford, David O'Doherty, Susan Calman, Josh Widdicombe Penguins, Spoons, Dolls, Letters

We present The Unbelievable Truth, the panel game built on truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. on truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. Hello and welcome to The Unbelievable Truth, the panel show about incredible truths and barely credible lies. I'm David Mitchell. Tonight our panellists are waiting with all the trepidation of the audience at the start of a Bruce Forsyth joke. And this week I'm... And this week I'm joined by a bunch of Celts. Please welcome Susan Calman, Lloyd Langford, Josh Widdicombe and David O'Doherty. The rules are as follows.

Each panellist will present a short lecture that should be entirely false, save for five pieces of true information, which they should attempt to smuggle past their opponents, cunningly concealed amongst the lies. Points are scored by truths that go unnoticed, while other panellists can win points if they spot a truth, or lose points if they mistake a lie for a truth. First up is Lloyd Langford. Lloyd describes himself as an old soul trapped in a young person's body. Should be enough to guarantee a visit from Operation U-Tree. Lloyd, your subject is penguins, described by my encyclopedia as

stout, flightless, short-legged marine birds common to the cool regions of the southern hemisphere. Off you go, Lloyd. Fingers on buzzers, the rest of you. The penguin, Latin name Bieti Peders, is a type of large, waterproof cat that lives almost exclusively in the Northern Hemisphere. The word penguin means fishy nun in Welsh. The female is known as a doris after a particularly un-PC entry in Captain Scott's diary where he likened them to his first

wife. Susan. Yeah, I'll go for yeah, yeah, I've heard men say bad things about women and a penguin might actually be a compliment. I think penguins are amazing. Macaroni is my safe word with not my safe word, that's

if I've ever kidnapped and my wife wants to make sure it's me I'll say macaroni penguin and she'll go well that's definitely Susan

and pay the money except now you've broadcast that on radio there's a slight flaw but I would be delighted to be compared to a penguin

so I think that's true it isn't unfortunately the fishy nun one sorry I was be delighted to be compared to a penguin, so I think that's true. It isn't, unfortunately. The fishy nun one, sorry, I was nearly going to... Because I know in Welsh there are some preposterous direct translations. You'll be glad you didn't buzz in for fishy nun, because it wasn't true, although the OED says that the word penguin probably comes from the Welsh pen-gwyn, meaning white head. Oh, ooh.

Yeah. Ooh. There's no penguins in Wales. We have very powerful telescopes. Because of their resemblance to black bags, the collective noun for a group of penguins is a parcel. The world's oldest penguin, Shuffling Bob, is 45 years old. Josh.

I think the world's oldest penguin could be 45 easily. And it would be called Shuffling Bob because it would be in a zoo somewhere and they'll have come up with a name for it. It's all very plausible, but not true. No, the oldest penguin we're aware of is King Penguin Missy from Birdland Wildlife Park in Gloucestershire,

who was 36 last year. I didn't know it was the only ones you were aware of. You thought it could include penguins I'm unaware of. Yeah. I was talking about all penguins. Basically, no things of which humanity is unaware will come up. I've been revising the wrong topics. Rock hopper penguins can travel as much as 12 feet in a single hop.

That's definitely true. Rock hopper, 12-foot hops. No. No. Four to five feet maximum. You've underestimated how close together the rocks in the Southern Hemisphere are. Forty-five is the age of Shuffling Bob as well. Four to five.

Four to five. Forty-five feet. I was thinking that's longer. Amazing. They could be here in a few hops. It would be impossible to keep them to one hemisphere without hopping. Lloyd.

All penguins are able to fly but simply choose not to. The penguin has furnishings above its eyes that enable it to take the salt out of seawater. King penguin chicks can go five months between meals, a schedule known in the modelling trade as the 7-5 diet. Josh.

I think that the five months is true, the model trade thing isn't. You're absolutely right. King penguin chicks have been observed surviving without food for up to five months while they wait for a parent to return and feed them, losing

up to 50% of their body weight in the process. Oh. It's hard to think of anything to do with penguins that isn't incredibly cute. Here's something really cute. This is a true fact. Emperor penguins can grow to the same height as I am. I'm the same

height as a fully grown emperor penguin. That provides a tremendous opportunity for a disguise. How far can you jump? Thunderbird star Spencer Tracy turned on the role of the penguin in the Batman TV series because the producers wouldn't allow his character to kill Batman. Susan? Absolutely true. It is absolutely true. Batman TV series because the producers wouldn't allow his character to kill Batman. Susan. Absolutely true. It is absolutely true.

Yes, he was the first choice, but when he insisted that his character had to kill off the star of the show, the role went to Burgess Meredith instead. A captive penguin is 50% more likely to be gay than a wild one. Josh. Yes, I like the idea of that. I think... Sorry, Josh, you like the idea of captive animals

being more gay than free animals? You homophobe, what's going on? Yep. You like the idea of inducing homosexuality through captivity? I'm not going to lie to you. I'm keen on it. If I could get Cheryl Cole in a box, then... So basically, if this is true, I'm not a homophobe.

And if it's a lie, I'm a homophobe. I've got bad news. homophobe and if it's a lie i'm a homophobe i've got bad news yeah yes i'm afraid this is not true no such observation has been made however penguins have been observed to engage in homosexual behavior since at least as early as 1911 i don't know what it was about that year that ge Murray Levick, who documented this behavior in Adderley Penguins at Cape Adair, described it as depraved. The report was considered too shocking for public release at the time and was suppressed. The only copies that were made available privately to researchers were translated into Greek to prevent this knowledge becoming more widely known

in 1911 the great shock that some penguins were gay there was a there was an online petition because there were two gay penguins at a zoo i think it was in america or somewhere like that and they were wanting to separate them because they didn't want to promote homosexuality in the zoo and there was a worldwide petition to keep the gay penguins together because love's love right josh totally it would be a very cute gay pride parade though just with them all waddling along little round of applause occasionally with susan as their leader Chin strap penguins can generate rectal pressure that is four times that of a human, about seven PSI, the same as a keg of lager,

finally proving that there is at least one arse in the world more powerful than Donald Trump. David. I'm going to say that that rectal pressure is presumably farts. And so maybe that's how they propel themselves through the water. That's what I'm imagining then. That's how they can jump 45 feet. I don't think it is how they propel themselves through the water,

but that fact about rectal pressure was true, David. Well done. And that's the end of Lloyd's lecture. And at the end of that round, Lloyd, you've managed to smuggle two truths past the rest of the panel, which are that the collective noun for a group of penguins is a parcel.

And the second truth is that penguins have furnishings above their eyes to enable them to take the salt out of seawater and that means lloyd you've scored two points okay we turn now to david o'doherty as well as stand-up comedy david has written a play in which the audience enter to find him asleep on stage. Ingeniously, by the end of the play, the positions are reversed. David,

your subject. Your subject is spoons. Utensils consisting of a small, shallow bowl with a handle, usually used for cooking or eating. Off you go, David. Spoons. shallow bowl with a handle usually used for cooking or eating off you go david spoons so there was a pause and i thought so far so true in the middle ages spoons varied greatly in size with some worn as helmets

some used to play tennis and some used as really awful boats. Josh? I'm going to go with the tennis as a truth. Because I think it would be fun. Well, if it hasn't been invented, I know what I'm doing 10am tomorrow morning. Well, I'm not saying it isn't worth a try, but it hasn't been invented yet. Well, I'm not saying it isn't worth a try, but it hasn't been invented yet.

Well, it has now. Well, to be honest, if it really takes off between now and the broadcast of this show, we could look really stupid. As spoon tennis takes over the world. But no, it's not true yet.

It's all going to take testing, weeks in the lab. You could use a shallow ladle would give you more kind of... For serving? Yeah. Yeah, but if you... Spoon size was standardised in 1835 by pioneering French dessertier Laurent Brulé, with the teaspoon capacity set at 60 droplets of water, as Monsieur Brulé found when he caught 60 of his own tears in a spoon

as another of his signature puddings went on fire and ended up tasting like burnt scrambled eggs. went on fire and ended up tasting like burnt scrambled eggs. In a recent tiny, tiny census, it was found that there are more living organisms in a teaspoonful of soil than there are people on Earth, which will pose serious problems for humanity if microbes manage to secure the right to vote. Susan.

I'll go for... You'll go for the teaspoonful of... Yum. That's absolutely true. There are more... It has to be good soil. In one gram of good quality soil, there can be more than six billion bacteria

from thousands of different species. A seagull need only eat one quarter of a discarded ice cream to generate 35 dessert spoons of its terrible effluent whereas the bee needs to visit 28 000 flowers to make a single teaspoon full of honey josh i think that is true you're absolutely right uh 28 000 flowers would need to be visited by a bee to make one teaspoon full of honey. It would take 84,000 visits, and the average bee produces about one twelfth of a teaspoon in their lifetime. The world record for placing Rice Krispies on a teaspoon is 46.

Lloyd. Yeah. Yeah, I made that up! He did make that up, I'm afraid. But he was playing his cards very close to his chest, wasn't he? Sounds plausible. What is the world record, do we know? I don't think there is a record. I don't think a record's been set.

That's another thing to do in the morning after a game of spoon tennis. The world record was 46, and its discovery was Canada's most popular TV show in 1959. The sequel in 1960, which revealed that 18,000 grains of sugar can fit on a teaspoon rated much worse. Lloyd. I'm going to have a crack of the old sugar on a teaspoon. You're absolutely right. You've broken even now on the issue of objects on teaspoons. A teaspoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down,

but a teaspoonful of neutron star would weigh 1,000 million tonnes and would cause the Earth to be thrown off its orbit, killing all life as we know it and eliminating the need for the medicine in the first place. Susan. A teaspoonful of that thing my bob weighs a lot and would throw the earth off his axis and we'd all die you're absolutely right that is true yes according to nasa a neutron star which is about 20 kilometers in diameter has a mass of about 1.4 times that of our sun is so dense that on earth a teaspoon full of neutron star material

the size of a sugar lump would weigh a thousand million tons is dense that on earth a teaspoon full of neutron star material the size of a sugar lump would weigh a thousand million tons is it not true that a teaspoon full of sugar would help the medicine go down as well well it depends not if you're diabetic anyway that's the end of David's lecture. At the end of that round, you've managed to smuggle one truth past the rest of the panel, which is that a teaspoon has a capacity of 60 droplets of water. These are 60 metric droplets.

However, there are 36 medical drops and only 30 imperial drops in a teaspoon. And that means, David, you've scored one point. A book actually exists called Collectible Spoons of the Third Reich. It's absolutely true. As it happens, such spoons are very easy to spot in any place setting. They're on the extreme right. Next up is Susan Calman. Susan, your subject is

dolls, small-scale models of human beings commonly used as toys for children. Off you go, Susan. I recently returned from a successful tour of my one-woman play about Cagney and Lacey. On my return to my hometown of Guildford, I sat down with my 30-strong management

team to discuss how to exploit my almost stratospheric rise to international fame. The obvious choice was a range of Susan Calman action dolls. Hardly any remarkable people have had dolls made in their image. A ventriloquist doll won an Oscar in 1937.

It was dressed as Hitler. David? I think the Hitler doll, Gittler, as he was known, won an Oscar in 1936. I'm going to give you the point. Because what Susan said was, a ventriloquist's doll won an Oscar in 1937. That is true. She then went on to say it was dressed as Hitler.

That is not true. But, you know, in general, you thought a ventriloquist stole one, an Oscar, and that is true. Did the ventriloquist himself get best support in Oscar? Edgar Bergen was presented with the Honorary Award for his outstanding comedy creation Charlie McCarthy, which was a ventriloquist's doll.

The award was a wooden Oscar statuette with a movable mouth. Yes, of course, every child in the land would want a Calman doll for Christmas, and a few mums as well, no doubt. Could my doll succeed in being all things to all people? In her 87 years on sale, Barbie has been a charlady, a bounty hunter and a diplomat. Lloyd.

Could I hazard a guess that Barbie has been a diplomat? Barbie's never been a bounty hunter, though. Come on. That's not something you associate with Barbie. Let's get those deaths, Barbie. No, I mean, you're right, David. She's never been a bounty hunter. But has she been a diplomat?

She has been a diplomat. There we go. I had a Barbie doll and I dismembered it within three minutes because I wanted an action man instead of a Barbie doll, but because of the way the 70s were, you know what I mean? I mean, no-one complains about action. Action men are always soldiers. You never get an action man who's a choreographer or an accountant

or you know, what's the other main job? I don't know, does panel shows you know but she was a diplomat well you know, she wasn't, she was some plastic but you know, she was moulded to represent a diplomat. Well, you know, she wasn't. She was some plastic. But, you know, she was moulded to represent a diplomat. This was Summit Barbie,

which was introduced... ..introduced in 1990 to commemorate the end of the Cold War. She's also been a potato picker, a Greenham Common protester, and a man called Sean. But what should my doll be? How realistic should we go?

The first Barbie dolls had hair that when pulled roughly would actually seem to grow. And nipples which were later shaved off and used as studs on the base of boots of saboteur players. Lloyd. I'll have a crack at the rough...

Keep going. Go on, Lloyd. What would you like to have a crack at, Lloyd? Let's see. I was going to say I'll have a crack at the roughly pulled hair and it brought back sexual memories for myself. Yeah, no, that's not true. No. That was a girl's world. Yeah, sisters, yeah? That was perhaps the most sinister of all girls' toys,

which was essentially the head of a mannequin, that if you pulled the hair and you could style it, and so you woke up, oh, I've had a nightmare, and then you would just see a dismembered head sitting in... A life-size head with hair that grew. That you pulled and you could restyle it and then stuff it back in and then pull it back out. Because all girls want to do is do each other's hair

and talk about boys. It would make more sense if you put cress seeds in her hair and then just watered her. Or little snake eggs. Medusa Barbie. The snakes could come out. Yeah, like the Medusa. or little snake eggs. And then they can hatch and then the snakes could come out. Yeah, like the Medusa. That's the most horrific thing.

And then you'd wake up having a nightmare but it'd be okay because you'd be immediately turned to stone. The next problem was how would I market the dolls? Should we use emotional blackmail

to raise sales, leave them in a skip to be found like the cabbage patch dolls were in America, or go for the jugular and sell it with a note saying I was abandoned and needed raising like the ideal company's baby doll? The dolls are on sale now, the ideal Christmas present. Some limited edition ones have my actual eyelashes stapled onto them, just here and there. Merry Christmas, kids.

Sleep tight. Lloyd. Did the Ideal Company say the dolls had been abandoned? You're absolutely right. The Ideal Toy Company brought out a lost little baby doll in 1968, which came with a card pinned to it which suggested the doll had been abandoned it read i'm little lost baby you can make me happy by pulling a lever on the back of the doll's neck her head would spin exorcist style inside a non-removable pink hood to reveal a

sleeping face a laughing face and a crying face sounds like the most unpleasant compared to that the medusa headed stylist doll is an absolute walk in the park anyway yes so well done lloyd you get a point and that's the end of susan's lecture and uh at the end of that round susan you've managed to smuggle one truth past the rest of the panel, which is that Barbie originally had nipples which were later shaved off. Jack Ryan, Mattel's chief designer, modelled Barbie on a semi-pornographic German doll

named Built Lily, which he described as looking like a hooker between performances. Some very early 1959 to 1960 Barbies do have discernible nipples and are regarded as highly collectible. And that means, Susan, you've scored one point. Next up is Josh Widdicombe. Josh is officially the country's second most famous Widdicombe after Anne Widdicombe. Josh is officially the country's second most famous Widdicombe after Anne Widdicombe.

And the second sexiest. So that's just my opinion. Your subject, Josh, is letters. Written or printed communications addressed to people or organisations, commonly sent by post in envelopes. Letters. Letters were invented as a way for BBC viewers to complain about TV shows to points of view. ITV, meanwhile, has never recovered from the amount of letters they received when Coronation Street's Ina Sharples was seen eating two chocolate eclairs eight years after an episode in which she implied she didn't like them.

Susan. That sounds like the kind of thing Corrie fans would get annoyed about. You're absolutely right. Wow. The only letter you don't have to pay postage on is a fan letter as they spread so much joy. Pope John Paul I held the record

for writing the most fan letters, including fan letters to, amongst others, Jimmy Greaves, Pinocchio, and his favourite pop group, Dave D, Dozie, Beaky, Mick and Titch. Susan? I think the Pope wrote a lot of fan letters to Jimmy Greaves. Really? Do you think that's...? To Jimmy Greaves, you go, Paul.

Well, I'm not saying specifically Jimmy Greaves, but I think the Pope wrote a lot of fan letters. Now, I'm going to have to ask you to be specific as to who you think. She went with Jimmy Greaves. No I didn't go with Jimmy Greaves. Don't you make me do it again Josh. Pinocchio. You're absolutely right. Pope John Paul I's letter to Pinocchio can be found in a volume of his collected letters in which he discusses pangs of adolescence with Pinocchio, advising him to keep himself pure with potential girlfriends. I didn't know that about Pope John Paul I. Neither did Susan.

That's why she got it wrong the first time. Clyde, from Bonnie and Clyde fame, wrote a fan letter to Henry Ford praising the Ford's V8 model as the finest of the many cars he'd stolen. Yeah, that's got to be. That's definitely true. You don't even have to say.

It's right. Just give me the points. Carry on reading, Joe. Do you not want to go with Jimmy Greaves as your answer? The things I do have to say, and it is true. Yes! The letter, which is still on display at the Henry Ford Museum reads, Dear Sir, while I

have still got breath in my lungs, I will tell you what a dandy car you make. I have drove Fords exclusively when I could get away with one. For sustained speed and freedom from trouble, the Ford has got every other car skinned and even if my business hasn't been strictly legal, it don't hurt anything to tell you what a fine car you got in the V8. Yours truly, Clyde Barrow. Ah, there you are. And I hope you appreciate that I did do the voice.

Josh. In 1989, a computer error led to 41,000 Parisians being sent letters charging them with murder, extortion and prostitution instead of parking offences. Luckily, 40,000 of the recipients were actually guilty of these crimes and so turned themselves in. Susan?

Yeah, I think that's the kind of thing that would happen in France. It is specifically something that did happen in France. Wow. Well done, yeah. While people believe text-speak abbreviations were invented for texting, in fact, the earliest known use of the abbreviation OMG was used in a letter to Winston Churchill. I'll have that. That's got to be true.

I imagine that. Chamberlain or someone going, OMG, I've got peace in our time. You're absolutely right. The letter was sent on 9th September 1917 from the retired First Sea Lord, John R. Buffnot Fisher, and read, I hear that a new order of knighthood is on the tapis. OMG, brackets, oh, my God. Shower it on the Admiralty.

Didn't Hitler write, just invaded Poland, ROFL? No. Carry on. Carry on. I'm essentially about to do the joke Lloyd just did, which is awkward. Well, you heard how it went. And there ends my lecture. Thank you, Josh.

At the end of that round, Josh, I'm afraid you've smuggled no truths past the rest of that round, Josh, I'm afraid you've smuggled no truths past the rest of the panel, which means you've scored nought points. If you took all the second-class letters posted each day in the UK and stuffed them into bin bags, then you'd be doing the same as most postmen. Which brings us to the final scores. In fourth place, with minus five points, we have Josh Whittacombe.

In equal second place, with one point each, it's Susan Calman and Lloyd Langford. one point each. It's Susan Calman and Lloyd Langford. And in first place, with an unassailable three points, it's this week's winner, David O'Doherty. That's about it for this week.

Goodbye. The Unbelievable Truth was devised by John Naismith and Graham Garden and featured David Mitchell in the chair with panellists Josh Widdicombe, Susan Calman, Lloyd Langford and David O'Doherty. The chairman's script was written by Dan Gaster and Colin Swash and the producer was John Naismith.

This was a random production for BBC Radio 4.