The Unbelievable Truth - 14x02 Ireland, Rules, London, Beavers

Episode Date: February 12, 2022

14x02 5 January 2015 Ed Byrne, Henning Wehn, Holly Walsh, Richard Osman Ireland, Rules, London, Beavers

We present the unbelievable truth, the panel game built on truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. on truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. Hello and welcome to The Unbelievable Truth, the panel show about incredible truths and barely credible lies. I'm David Mitchell. Our four panellists are keen to get started as this is cutting into their drinking time. So please welcome Richard Osman, Ed Byrne, Holly Walsh and Henning Vane. The rules are as follows. Each panellist will present a short lecture that should be entirely false, save for five pieces of true information which they should attempt to smuggle past their opponents, cunningly concealed amongst the lies. Points are scored by truths that go unnoticed,

while other panellists can win points if they spot a truth, or lose points if they mistake a lie for a truth. First up is Ed Byrne. Ed is regular columnist for the Great Outdoors magazine. In fact, he not only writes it every month, he's the reader as well. Ed, your subject is Ireland. An island in the North Atlantic comprising Northern Ireland and the Republic of Ireland, which is sometimes referred to as the Emerald Isle. Off you go, Ed. Fingers on buzzers, the rest of you. The thing Ireland is probably best known for is excelling at international sporting events, in particular, the Olympics. Irish people have won more Olympic medals than any other country on the planet.

Who could forget Bernard O'Shea's triumphant bronze for trench digging in the 1896 Athens Games? Or Bronco McLaughlin's gold medal for club swinging in St. Louis 1904? Or Jack Yates' disappointing silver for painting at the 1924 Paris Olympics? Holly. I'm going to go for the second one. Gold medal for club swinging in St. Louis 1904. Yeah, whatever club swinging is. I don't know what club swinging is.

Either you're swinging a club or you're having sex in a sort of random way. Club swinging... You don't want to come first in that. LAUGHTER Club swinging was an event in the 1904 Olympics, but Ireland didn't win a gold medal. Richard.

I know that painting and sculpting and all sorts of things like that were Olympic events, so did Ireland win a silver in that? Yes, you're absolutely right. Yes. Yes, Jack Yates won silver in the Paris Olympics of 1924 for painting. And that's Jack Yates, who was the brother of W.B. Yates. And it was Ireland's first ever Olympic medalates and it was ireland's first ever olympic medal and it was for his painting the liffy swim which can still be seen today in the national gallery of ireland indeed where i grew up people still talk about the time we whooped

germany's rs3 one at bicycle polo in 1908 richard i'm gonna go for that as well because that was definitely an olympic sport story you were trying to go for that as well, because that was definitely an Olympic sport. Sorry, you were trying to go for that as well, weren't you? Yeah. As the German expert. No, no, they're just, I knew of bicycle polo. Well, you're absolutely right, both of you, although Richard's buzzer went off first, which I know in club swinging he wouldn't have won.

But yes, Ireland enjoyed considerable success at bicycle polo, thrashing the English team 10-5 at the first ever international match in 1901 and the the 1908 london olympics contained a demonstration of bicycle polo at shepherd's bush stadium when ireland whooped germany's arse 3-1 as well as excelling at sport ireland is also the best place to come from if you want to become a saint amongst the most saintly reasons for canonization over the years are St Kevin, who was canonised for putting up with the ghost of a woman he had murdered for trying to seduce him, St Stephen, who was canonised for refusing to eat a lemon he knew had been grown in the garden of a brothel,

and St Manticore, the patron saint of sausage makers, who was canonised for managing to refill a wine cask while being distracted by the devil in the form of a nanny goat that nibbled at his ears. Richard. Well well one of them Would you like me to go through the three again? I was listening I remember them all so st. Kevin with the with the woman who tried to seduce him and then the other two I'm gonna go with that one st. Kevin. Oh, you'll be regretting it. Well, you're absolutely right.

He said, yes, St Kevin is known for two things. One, that he beat a woman called Kathleen with nettles and then drowned her in a lake because she tried to seduce him and then was canonised for putting up with her ghost.

You know, having signally failed to put up with her the other thing about saint kevin is that he's known for permitting a blackbird to nest and fledge its young in his outstretched hand so he's clearly a man whose level of patience varied. The hilarity of canonisation. However, if you really want to laugh, I suggest you go to your local library and look up the ways in which some of the ancient Irish chieftains met their ends. There you will learn about how in 1162,

Conleth the Proud died of frostbite-induced gangrene after exposing his bare genitals to a rival chieftain. Or Eulach McGee, who in 1180 successfully removed his own infected gallbladder only to break his neck slipping in a pool of his own blood, clumsy Egypt that he was. And the fearsome cheese-guzzler O'Rourke, who died from having too much sex.

Does make you wonder if cheese-guzzling meant the same thing back then. Henny. Well, he said having too much sex. Does make you wonder if cheese guzzling meant the same thing back then. Henning. Well, he said having too much sex is a reference to sexually transmitted disease that had him a boy in the end. That's good analysis because that fact is true. But he didn't die

of a venereal disease. The archives tell how a woman was brought to his bed while he lay recovering from being blinded by his enemies. I don't know how you can recover from that, but there we go. And he died soon after, the cause of death attributed to a surfeit of sex. Speaking of words and their meanings, the term botch, meaning to do a job badly,

comes from the Irish word bosh, meaning hurried and poorly performed work by an unqualified craftsman resulting in an imperfect outcome. The word smashing, to mean great, comes from the Irish term is my shin, which means that is my shin. Henny. Well, the word botch,

I can imagine that being said by Irish people. And about Irish people. Well, you know, I'm sure it is said by them, but that's not where the word comes from. Oh, yeah. The OED suggests it either comes from the English word bash or is onomatopoeic. Thank you, Ed.

And at the end of that round, Ed, you've managed to smuggle one truth past the rest of the panel which is that the use of the word smashing to mean great comes from the irish word is which means it is good not it's my shin anyway uh that means ed you've scored one point the joy of sex was banned in Ireland for many years partly because of the book's uninhibited approach to sex but mainly because the bloke with the beard looked uncannily like Gerry Adams okay we turn now to Henning Vane Henning originally arrived in England to work in marketing promoting Wickham Wanderers Football Club. So he was already in comedy to a certain extent. Henning, your subject is rules.

A set of explicit or understood regulations or principles governing conduct or procedure within a particular area of activity. Off you go, Henning. Now, I must admit admit I don't know much about formal rules and regulations as I grew up in a society where everybody instinctively knows right from wrong. The first ever set of rules was invented by God who passed them to Moses who was called the great teacher and in his memory teachers today all wear beards and sandals. Ed? Moses was

once known as the great teacher? No Moses wasn't. Jesus was known as the great teacher. Mr. Langley at my school. So I've just lost my one point there, haven't I? Yes, you have. More impressive than anything is that the education authorities allowed Moses to take the children of Israel on such a dangerous excursion. Jermaine Greer once claimed that since Moses, new rules and regulations have only ever been introduced to hold back women. Holly. Well, that's true.

What's true? That all rules and regulations are there to hold back women. And if you argue with me, that's just proving the point. LAUGHTER are there to hold back women. And if you argue with me, that's just proving the point. Well, in which case, you get a point. Don't give her a point! In the time of Catherine I of Russia, young ladies of the court got around the strict no-drinking rule for women by cross-dressing and going to transvestite

balls when they could get hammered and harassed as of women i thought that was more music everybody was thinking too hard about whether or not that was a fact that's what the entire audience was going why is no one buzzing that one sounds real i was i was thinking why i needed youtube buzzing yeah that's definitely what i was thinking. I'm very tempted, but I've already lost my hard-earned points. You have got no more points left at the moment, are you? I'm on minus points. I don't care. I'll go, yeah, why not? That's true. Holly.

That's true. What is? That women had to cross-dress to go out and get pissed and then fight other women. Correct. It is correct. Yeah! That's absolutely true. In the reign of Catherine I of Russia. Every Tuesday, Princess

Elizabeth, the daughter of Catherine I and future Tsarina, would throw a ball in which the men were forced to dress as women and the women as men. Reportedly, Elizabeth thought she looked rather good in men's clothes, but many of the male attendants tripped over their hooped skirts and the female attendants complained about the tightness of their male garments. Taiwan has a rule that prohibits owning more than three monkeys, and China has a rule stipulating that no public toilet may contain more than two flies. Ed? The Taiwanese monkey rule, I think, might be true.

I'm afraid it isn't. But thank you for coining the phrase the taiwanese monkey rule actually sounds like i use it for measuring my taiwanese monkeys it sounds very diy doesn't it i've done i've got a fantastic new taiwanese monkey rule richard i'll go for the the toilet then. You're absolutely right. The Chinese toilet rule is correct. It was part of a new set of public toilet standards decreed by Beijing authorities in 2012

that a public toilet in China may contain no more than two flies. I'm not clear who the Chinese authorities prosecute, though, whether it's the toilet maintainers or the insects themselves. Unlikely. You're quite right. It was a foolish thought to have voiced. Back to the facts. Racing regulations state that no racehorse name may contain more than 18 letters.

Ed. Yeah, I'm going to go with that as the rule. You're absolutely right. Yes. Yes, you can't have more than 18 letters in a racehorse name because before the days of computer screens, runners and results were displayed in a manually operated frame that could hold a maximum of 18 individual letter plates.

The rules also ban names that have a vulgar or obscene meaning. As previously come up in the show, Wayne Rooney was forbidden by the Jockey Club from naming his two racehorses Hoof-Hearted and Norfolk Enchants. If you own a Staffordshire Bull Terrier, you have priority over all other pedestrians and you're allowed to sell drugs with impunity. In the more innocent days of yesteryear, the young Lord Byron brought a giraffe to college. His teacher said,

this allowed pet dogs... Holly. I'm going to go with the giraffe because it sounds like something he'd do. It is not something he did. What Byron did do, which might cheer you up, is he did have a bear as a pet while he was a student. That is a great story.

Yeah. Still a good story. But not a giraffe. Yeah. I think a giraffe is a better one, though. But, you know, Byron had his creative limitations, didn't he? Henning. In Thailand, police

officers who break the law are made to wear a sweet Hello Kitty armband. Similarly, in the UK, lawbreakers in public office are shamed by being given a knighthood. Thank you, Henning. And at the end of that round, Henning,

you've managed to smuggle two truths past the rest of the panel, the first one of which is related to the Byron non-giraffe bear fact, which is that his teachers disallowed pet dogs when he was at university. And so he kept a bear while at Trinity College, largely out of resentment at the college's regulations forbidding dogs particularly his beloved pet dog he wrote of it in a letter to Elizabeth Piggott I have got a new friend the finest in the world a tame bear when I brought him here they asked me what I meant to do with him and my reply was he should sit for a fellowship

this answer delighted them not. Trinity College where? Cambridge. My mother was a lecturer at Trinity College, Dublin, and speaking of old, funny rules, a student there did a bit of reading, well, I imagine all the students did a bit of reading, but he found this old rule, and during an exam,

he put his hand up and demanded to be brought a glass of sherry to calm his nerves. And they had to go and get him a glass of sherry because that was actually that was in the rules and so because he did that later that day he was fined six guineas for walking across front quad without displaying his sword and the the second truth that Henning smuggled is that in Thailand, police officers who break the law are made to wear a Hello Kitty armband. No.

According to Pongpat Chai Pan of the Crime Suppression Division in Bangkok, the armband is expected to make them feel guilt and shame. Kitty is a cute icon for young girls. It is not something macho police officers want covering their biceps. And that means, Henning, that you've scored two points. According to EU jam regulations, a carrot is a fruit. Similarly, the EU classify Nigel Farage as a nut.

Next up is Holly Walsh. Holly, your subject is London, the capital of the United Kingdom, situated in south-east England on the River Thames. Off you go, Holly. London, London, London. Twinned with Brisbane, purgatory and the Foxons' head office, London is perhaps most famously

the birthplace of the Beatles, a fact that Londoners never stop banging on about. Henning. Is London twinned with Brisbane? No. Or Sambara? Someone must be twinned with Brisbane. I'm sure somewhere is.

It's just not London. I don't know anything about Brisbane. It's Australia. I did know that. I'm not saying that Brisbane is probably not as good as London and therefore not an appropriate twinning, but it probably isn't, is it? Come on. Brisbane.

You'd be insulted. Brisbane would go with, I don't know, Bedford. In fact, the song Lovely Rita was written about a London traffic warden and Penny Lane was a Madame Tussauds tour guide who found Ringo's lost hat. Ed. I think that Rita was written about a London traffic warden.

You're right. Yes. The Circle Line is actually a super collider. And as soon as they finish the engineering works, they're planning on firing commuters at each other at speeds of up to three miles an hour. Bruce Forsyth was evacuated from London at the start of World War II, but just three days later, he made the first of his many comebacks.

Henning. Yeah, maybe he was evacuated from London. At the ripe age of 87. No, you're absolutely right, Henning, he was. In Bruce, the autobiography, he reveals that he was evacuated to live with an old lady in Clacton, but when his parents came to visit after three days, he got in the car and refused to get out again

as he was homesick and didn't like his new school. Why did people have to get evacuated out of London at the start of the war, Henning? That was just a rite of passage, I think. I mean, if you're given a choice, imagine you're little and you're given a choice. You can either stay in inner London or you go to the Essex coast. You would go to the Essex coast. Are you trying to retrospectively justify the behaviour of the Luftwaffe as something to help British tourism?

I think it's lovely if people get to know their own country. I think it's lovely if people get to know their own country. Sometimes it's the threat of incendiary bombs that you need as a good kick up the arse to help you explore a national park. The most popular tourist attraction in our capital is the Tower of London, which was not only the first castle to be featured on a stamp, but also the only London monument to live openly as a homosexual. The Tower, is that the most popular by numbers, the most popular tourist destination?

It is not. No, that's the British Museum. Oh, because it's free, isn't it? So that little moment of pride at the British Museum's marketing department is immediately eclipsed. It's the same yesterday. It was at Bletchley Park. I don't know what I was doing there, but it's...

Frankly, you shouldn't be allowed in. 15 quid, it was. 15 quid. And then if you wanted to see the actual computers, there was another fiver. Whoa, rip-off. Well, all I can say, Henning, is if only it hadn't been necessary.

In 1781, George III turned part of the Tower of London into a pussy zoo, with cats dressed in novelty costumes such as sunflowers and teeth. Londoners became so obsessed with forwarding pictures of these cats to one another at work, and post had to be delivered a dozen times a day. Richard? Well, I think there was a cat zoo at the Tower of London.

A pussy zoo? George III's pussy zoo. I'm afraid not. It's often said that if the ravens ever leave the Tower of London, they won't be able to go to the gift shop without paying again to get in. The only time the ravens ever left was during World War II when they died of shock. Richard.

Yes, I think that they left during World War II. That's absolutely right, yes. They left in the sense of died. All of them except for one died as a direct result of bombing or of blitz-related shock. Popular tourist destination Cleopatra's Needle was actually part of a heroin gift set, including Cleopatra's spoon and Cleopatra's Needle was actually part of a heroin gift set, including Cleopatra's Spoon and Cleopatra's Lighter.

There's a 19th-century time capsule containing money, a rudimentary TFL planner and dozens of pictures of smoking hot bitches. So if you're ever in London and are stuck for cash or porn, you know where to look. That's everything I know. Ed? I'm going to go for the time capsule one being correct.

You're absolutely right. Yes. And it's under Cleopatra's needle, and it contains money, a rudimentary TFL planner, and a dozen pictures of smoking hot bitches. In that, there's a newspaper, a box of hairpins, a set of British currency, a railway timetable, and 12 portraits of the prettiest English ladies.

And that's the end of Holly's lecture. And at the end of that round, Holly, you've managed to smuggle one truth past the rest of the panel, which is that in 19th century London, post had to be delivered up to a dozen times a day, which is literally faster than the internet. And that means, Holly, that you've scored one point. Next up is Richard Osman. Richard, your subject is beavers. Large, semi-aquatic rodents with broad tails, thick brown fur and prominent front teeth. Off you go, Richard.

Nice beaver. Thanks, I've just had it stuffed. It is, of course, a famous quote from Naked Gun 2½. But I want to talk to you about beavers without resorting to innuendo. You see, I love beavers. I love warm and friendly Russian beavers. And I love tiny little squeaky beavers that come out only at night. How do I know so much about beavers? Simply the internet.

If you wanted to study beavers when I was a teenager, you often had to visit local woodland and look under a hedge. Well, maybe it's no denying that'll be the case. That's true, yeah. Early North American settlers would often smoke minced beaver testicles, though Canadians are now much more likely to smoke electronic minced beaver testicles. Henning. Seeing they didn't have much else there to smoke,

probably they did smoke them testicles. That's... You're absolutely right. Do you dry it? Do you mince it and then dry it? Yeah, you mince it and... Well, not that I've done it myself. But you mince it and then dry it yeah you mince it and uh well not that i've done it myself but you mince it and sprinkle it in tobacco yes beaver testicles were prized for their medicinal qualities and were regarded as both a natural painkiller and a contraceptive early settlers would add minced testicles to tobacco and smoke them a habit learned from native american indians perhaps more interestingly the secretions from glands of the Canadian and European beaver, known as synthetic beaver juice, provide an animalistic note redolent of leather in various perfumes, such as Lancôme's Magie Noire and Lidl's Can Anybody Else Smell That?

Holly? I think that is true, it's used in perfumes. You're absolutely right. In 2007, Canadian ecologists discovered a beaver dam so large it had its own Starbucks, a creche and ample parking facilities. The ecologists believe it has been under continual construction by generations of beavers for over 100 years and it is now so large it can be seen from space i am going to go for 100 years of a beaver dam no that's not true

onto beavers in popular culture shakespeare is responsible for the now familiar expressions an eager beaver and to beaver away while arkwright ronnie barker's character from open all hours once released his own Christmas charity single I'm a Bebeva Ed I think Shakespeare gave us the phrase to beaver away No, it's an American phrase The word beaver has also been used in naming many familiar things

The beautiful town of Beverley in North Yorkshire is believed to get its name from an ancient beaver lake on the site ed i know i'm going to regret this but i'm going to go for the beverly beverly in north yorkshire beaver lake you're absolutely right yes the town's coat of arms features a beaver next to water due to the long-held belief that the anglo-saxon name for the town was bevelac or lake of beavers the queen is president of the scottish beaver association and often joins them on their monthly beaver patrols holly i'm gonna say that's true no i think she's probably the head of the beavers in scotland or whatever the

no there is no Scottish Beaver Association, which has beaver patrols, so... Their website includes sections called Talking Beavers, Looking Into Beavers and Should I Get a Brazilian Beaver? The Queen once received two black beavers as a present from Canada. Sadly, Prince Philip's reaction was not recorded. Henning. Well, it is entirely plausible that she was given two beavers by Canada.

And it's absolutely true that she was. Were they dead or alive? They were alive and they were placed in the care of London Zoo. Other gifts received during her reign included giant turtles from the Seychelles, jaguars from Brazil, an elephant from Cameroon, and a samovar tea urn from Boris Yeltsin. In 2008, Sky reported that this electric samovar had been removed from Balmoral, having been identified as a potential bugging device. And that's the end of Richard's lecture. And at the end of that round, Richard, you've

managed to smuggle one truth past the rest of the panel, which is that there is a huge beaver dam in Canada that can be seen from space. The dam in Canada's Wood Buffalo National Park spans a staggering 2,800 feet, and is thought to have been under construction since the 1970s. Average Canadian beaver dams are between 10 and 100 metres long. And that means, Richard, you've scored one point. APPLAUSE It takes 15 beavers to make a fur coat,

14 dead ones, and one to do all the sewing. Which brings us to the final scores. In fourth place, with minus five points, we have Holly Walsh. In third place, with minus one point, it's Henning Vein. And in joint first place, with a total of nought points between them, it's this week's winners, Ed Byrne and Richard Osman. That's about it for this week. Goodbye. The Unbelievable Truth was devised by John Naismith and Graham Garden

and featured David Mitchell in the chair, with panellists Richard Osman, Holly Walsh, Ed Byrne and Henning Vein. Thank you.