The Unbelievable Truth - 14x03 Death, Balloons, Farming, Jane Austen

Episode Date: February 12, 2022

14x03 12 January 2015 Arthur Smith, Sarah Millican, Sandi Toksvig, Graeme Garden Death, Balloons, Farming, Jane Austen

We present The Unbelievable Truth, the panel game built on truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. Hello and welcome to In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. Hello and welcome to The Unbelievable Truth, the panel show about incredible truths and barely credible lies. I'm David Mitchell. And to those who complain that comedy uses too much fake laughter, I promise you that all the laughs you'll be hearing come from a 100% genuine radio theatre audience

at a recording of Hancock's Half Hour. Please welcome Graham Garden, Arthur Smith, Sandy Toksvig and Sarah Millican. The rules are as follows. Each panellist will present a short lecture that should be entirely false, save for five pieces of true information, which they should attempt to smuggle past their opponents, cunningly concealed amongst the lies. Points are scored by truths that go unnoticed while other panelists can win points if they spot a truth or lose points if they mistake a lie for a

truth first up is arthur smith arthur your subject is death the total and permanent cessation of all the vital functions that sustain a living organism off you you go, Arthur. Fingers on buzzers, the rest of you. OK. One of the weirdest deaths ever recorded was that of American Stanley Vorky, who, while hoovering drunk, got his bottom caught on the end of the nozzle, which then sucked his intestines out.

Sarah? I think I've seen the film, but I don't remember if it was a documentary. I think it wasn't a documentary, or at least not a reputable one. Rubbish. I don't think that's true. Actually, it was. I did read something about a bloke who'd tried to do liposuction on himself.

What, with a hoover? Yeah, with an industrial hoover. He got a friend to do it, and he did die, but that's a different story. Graham. I think that one's true. That was an off-the-ball remark, as they say in porn. Sandy. I think they do say that in porn.

LAUGHTER I think they do say that in porn. The most popular hymn chosen for funerals is All Things Bright and Beautiful. Graham? I think it probably is. It isn't. Isn't it? No. Of course it is.

It's too bloody chirpy, isn't it, for a funeral? Sometimes people like to put a positive spin on us and on other occasions people are glad that someone's dead but according to a 2009 survey the most popular hymn is the lord is my shepherd although the national association of funeral directors say it abide with me the most popular reading at a funeral is Thank You For Being You by Anthea Turner And the most popular song requested at funerals is

My Way, which leads me to believe the song should really be called The Same Way As Everybody Else. Sandy. I think it might be that. It is. It's my way. Yes, well done. Yes, according to a report released in 2012,

one in seven British funerals feature the Frank Sinatra song. Other popular funeral songs include boy band Westlife's You Raise Me Up. Are we back to the porn again? Also, Monty Python's Always Look on the Bright Side of Life and the theme to the sitcom One Foot in the Grave.

They play that twice, I guess. Under Henry III, anyone found killing, wounding or maiming fairies could face the death penalty. Henry loved fairies and once went on a two-week holiday in Scotland with a fairy called Derek. Cleopatra, meanwhile, had a pet worm which she cheekily named Tiberius. She loved earthworms so much she made it a capital offence to take one out of Egypt.

In the Peruvian town of Matacuna, every citizen who dies is presented with a sausage by the mayor. In the Norwegian town of Longyearbyen, it is illegal to die. Sandy. Well, that seems a terribly sensitive Scandinavian approach to things that I approve of. It's illegal to die, and then you just don't do it and you carry on well you're absolutely right if you're taken uh fatally ill in the town you'll be taken by plane or ship to another part of norway to die which is which is the downside to the policy It was put in place due to the harsh climate of the Arctic town. The town's small graveyard closed 70 years ago

after it was discovered that bodies were failing to decompose in the cold permafrost. Wow. Over 2,000 years ago, a man called Jesus died and came back to life three days later. All right, and it your way. Ooh, the dilemma. I have ten more facts about death.

Thank you, Arthur. And at the end of that round, Arthur, you've managed to smuggle two truths past the rest of the panel, which are that under Henry III, it was illegal to kill, wound or maim fairies. And the second truth that Arthur smuggled past was that Cleopatra made it a capital offence to take worms out of Egypt. The ancient Egyptians knew the value of earthworms for their agriculture, and it's been argued that the fertility of the Nile Valley owes more to the practice of vermiculture using the giant African Nile Valley earthworm

than it does to the annual floods. And that means, Arthur, that you've scored two points. By the way, anyone who's going to write in about the 2,000 years ago crucifixion incident that's garnered some media coverage over the last few centuries, Jesus was not crucified 2,000 years ago because he was crucified in 33 AD, which is less than 2,000 years ago.

So we are not required to discuss the issue of whether or not he came back to life. Arnold Bennett, the novelist, died in Paris of typhoid contracted from a glass of water he drank to prove that Parisian water was safe to drink. If Alanis Morissette is listening, that is ironic. OK, we turn now to Sarah Millican. Sarah was famously inspired to become a comedian as a way of dealing with her devastation

after the collapse of a seven-year marriage. That's one route. I went to Cambridge University. Sarah, your subject... Rose, I look forward to your first divorce. I've become a different sort of artist, you know. A serial killer, that's it, yeah. Sarah, your subject is balloons.

Thin, usually rubber bags designed to be inflated with air or gas. Off you go, Sarah. The annual Balloon Door Awards recognise the very best in the field of balloon animal modelling. 2013's winner depicted a herd of wildebeest being terrorised by three crocodiles. The competition also recognises the Speed Modeller of the Year. In 1999, the proud winner was John Cassidy,

who made a record break in 747 balloon animals in a single hour. I reckon a bloke did do that, because you can make them pretty quick if you've got the nimble fingers. You're right. A bloke did do that. I don't know a bloke who could tie a dog into the shape of a balloon. Blowing up balloons is a well-known cause of flatulence and the british medical journal has reported at least one case of a man partially inflating himself when attempting to blow up party balloons arthur my brother used to be the editor of the british medical journal

and he is a bit odd uh and i think, therefore, that the BMJ did have something about that. You don't think it necessarily happened, just that your brother might have ran some weird story? Just put it on April 1st or something, yeah. Well, I don't know whether it was under his editorship or not, but that's absolutely true. Really? Yeah.

To prevent his hot air balloon falling into the sea during his notorious cross-channel balloon journey in 1785, Frenchman and non-swimmer Jean-Pierre Blanchard dispensed... Sorry, I'll start that again. Arthur. I think she made up that French name. No, she couldn't say the French name because she hadn't made it up. Therefore, it must be true.

Ah. You don't think Sarah is capable of inventing a French name that she couldn't then pronounce? Yeah, that's about the size of it. I don't know whether to be offended or not. Well, on this occasion, she did not invent that name and this is true arthur well there you

are voila yeah yes the the frenchman and his american financier dr john jeffries had to throw all the balloons contents into the channel after they lost altitude two-thirds of the way across by the time they reached the french coast they were wearing nothing but their underwear and cork life jackets. But yes, apparently this financier insisted on coming along with him. And he didn't want the financier to come with him. And he tried to put the financier

off. And you can see why when it came to it. He could have reached France still wearing trousers if he hadn't had to bear the weight of a financier. And if that isn't a metaphor for the credit crunch, what is? Richard Branson... Try again.

Richard Branson has made seven unsuccessful attempts to circumnavigate the globe in a hot air balloon. Graham. Sarah had trouble saying Richard Branson. Which leads me inescapably to the conclusion that that was true. Well, it's not true. Although you're right that Sarah didn't invent Richard Branson.

No, he hasn't made seven unsuccessful attempts. Moral campaigner Mary Whitehouse inadvertently killed her Pekingese dog, Peckinpah, by feeding it balloons in the vain hope that its poos would enter the world pre-bagged. As many as 45 people die every year from heart attacks brought on

by unexpected balloon pops. Sandy. I think that one's true. No, I'm afraid not. Apparently though, the reason a bursting balloon makes such a loud noise is that it creates a sonic boom because of the speed at which the hole in the rubber grows is faster than the speed of sound.

The crack of a whip is that. That's why that makes such a loud noise. How do you know so much about whips? Because of the S&M sex clubs I'm a member of, of course. Was that when you were at Cambridge? Yes, it was. Sarah should have a point for that, really. Air trapped inside hedgehogs can make them blow up like a balloon.

They should be carefully deflated with a syringe before they burst. Sandy. Please let that one be true. On this occasion, your dream has come true. Yes. Does anyone remember the Tufty Club? Yes. Wasn't that a hedgehog?

Yeah, the badge was a hedgehog. I was thinking of getting a hedgehog to tell kids across the road. I don't know what anyone's talking about. Did you not do that at Cambridge? I could hear... No. The Tufty Club was something very different there. The Tufty Club was something very different there. Anyway, the balloon syndrome in hedgehogs is true.

Sarah. The static electricity created by rubbing two balloons together has been used by Boy Scouts to make campfires. Sandy. Why not? Because it wouldn't work. Sandy. Why not? Because it wouldn't work. Apparently, the way you can make a fire with a balloon, though,

is if you get a clear balloon, have it filled with water, you can use that like a magnifying glass, and then you start the fire, and then you accidentally let go, and the fire goes out, and you cry. But what are the chances of being stranded in the woods, and you suddenly think, wait a minute, I have a clear balloon in my pocket? Well, yes, that's true. Filled with water. Yeah.

I mean, we have ways of filling it with water, don't we? What, you think there's a stream nearby? I have my own inner stream. You can't pee into a balloon. The neck's too small. You don't know David very well, do you? Well, I believe, frankly. I can't even look at you now.

I can. I can't even look at you now. I can. I can. Sarah. In 1982, Larry Walters, an American truck driver, devised an ingenious means of getting a bit more sun while sitting in his favourite garden chair. He attached 45 helium balloons to it.

Sandy. I believe that. You're right I believe that. You're right to believe that. Sarah, will you read the rest of it? He attached 45 helium balloons to it, intended to float up to a height of 30 feet. Unfortunately, things didn't go to plan, and Larry shot up to a height of three miles. In fact, I do actually know this story.

And what happened was, he flew into air traffic control space in Los Angeles airport. He actually went right past the window of a 747. And he had taken a shotgun up with him to shoot the balloons to get himself to come down again, but he drank too much beer and he couldn't make the gun work. But anyway, it is a slightly sad story because he was so teased by all the American late-night talk show things that he killed himself.

He must have thought it was so unfair. Just on one occasion, you attach helium balloons to your lawn chair, fly up to 14,000 feet and drift into an international air route and you never hear the end of it. Thank you, Sarah. And at the end of that round, Sarah, you've managed to smuggle no truths past the rest of the panel, which means you've scored no points. I'm sorry.

Next up is Sandy Toksvig. Sandy was born in Denmark. Like a fine Scandinavian crime drama, she is intense, complex, and after a few glasses of wine, incomprehensible. Sandy is the host of 15 to 1, the daytime quiz show named after the time of day its viewers start drinking.

15 to 1, the daytime quiz show named after the time of day its viewers start drinking. Sandy? Sandy, your subject is farming. The cultivation of attractive land for the purpose of raising animals or crops to consume or sell. Off you go sandy how odd to be doing a broadcast about farming when the very word broadcast is a term borrowed from farmers describing what they do with seeds across a field what some have done to sheep is known as unbroadcastable graham i think that is what they do with seeds across a field. You're right. It is what they do. Yeah.

The word broadcast was being used in this sense as early as 1767. A tractor-focused ad once appeared in the East African Standard newspaper which stated, Nanyuki Farmer seeks lady-owning tractor with view to companionship and possible tractor. Send picture of tractor to box graham uh it's probably apocryphal isn't it i feel uh i shouldn't have buzzed now i well i think it's true before people love a tractor well i mean it is absolutely true graham so it is true yeah i was the one who said it was true but you didn't buzz well i did simultaneously i think my buzz is just like slightly behind heat

that's the way it works internet sites devoted to farming include the world's biggest online game which is called happy farm each day 23 million chinese log on to their own virtual allotments where they can grow crops, trade with others and sell produce. In a sad indictment of humanity, the biggest buzz is said to be stealing next door's vegetables. Is that true? Is that true? It's true. Yes. Because of its popularity, the game's hosting company

has been forced to cap the number of new players per day at two million. So it's very popular. All farmers love their animals and try to protect them. Often, when a calf is born, the farmer will feed it magnets before sending it out to graze in the Earth's magnetic fields.

Graham? I don't think they send them out to the magnetic field, but somewhere in the back of my mind is something about feeding cows magnets, and I think some farmers do. You're right, they do. They do. I could sense Sandy thought she'd got away with that one.

It was close, it was close. Farmers feed their cattle magnets because the magnets attract any bits of metal that the cow accidentally eats while grazing, preventing hardware disease, which is when metal objects such as wire penetrate the stomach wall. Indian farmers speak of their notorious chicken-eating cow, not to mention a giant cow-eating chicken. No one should underestimate the intelligence of cows. In 1974, Marge, a Frisian from Devon, was awarded an honorary degree from the University of Warwick.

She was considered an expert in her field. Thank you, Sandy. And at the end of that round, Sandy, you've managed to smuggle one truth past the rest of the panel, which is that Indian farmers speak of the notorious chicken-eating cow. The cow named Lal from West Bengal would eat as many as 48 chickens a month. And the video of the unusual occurrence was uploaded to YouTube in 2007. If you Google cow eating chicken, you'll see this cow eat chicken.

I think if you Google cow eating chicken, you should really consider the way your life is going. But that means, Sandy, you've scored one point. Next up is Graham Garden. Graham has been performing comedy since the 60s, and now, like a fine wine, is best left on his side at just above room temperature. LAUGHTER

Graham, your subject is Jane Austen, the English novelist noted for her irony, wit and penetrating observation of middle class manners and morality. Off you go, Graham. It is a truth universally acknowledged that Jane Austen was the daughter of poverty stricken parents. Anne, a poor shepherdess, and Richard Austen, a motor manufacturer who'd gone bust waiting for the internal combustion engine to be invented. gone bust waiting for the internal combustion engine to be invented. As a youngster, Jane could often be found outdoors, stalking deer, shooting cattle, riding squirrel or kicking salmon. The point is she was a bit of a tomboy, although if anyone commented on the fact she

would just smile demurely from beneath her poke bonnet and light up a pipe of finest shag. Sandy. I think, it's not true, but I just think we should pause and consider that image just for a brief moment. Jane Austen's school was run by a woman who spoke only French and had a peg leg made of cork. Sandy. I like the French bit, not the leg bit, the French bit. French bit, huh?

It was run by a woman who spoke only French. That is not true. Did she have a peg leg, then? Would you care to hazard a buzz? Oh, Sarah's buzzed. Did she have a peg leg, then? She had a peg leg. Jane's headmistress at the Reading Ladies' Boarding School

was a Madame Tournelle who did have a cork peg leg but spoke no French as she was only pretending to be French. Her real name was Sarah Hackett. Nobody ever saw Jane Austen actually write anything. Sandy. I think that is true. I think she hid her writing always that is absolutely right yes um yes according to biographer virginia moore quote no matter how suddenly one arrives she has heard the door close and hidden the white sheets it's also claimed that she refused to have a

squeaky door mended as it provided warning of someone approaching while she was writing. So, yeah, she was quite secretive. The first of Jane's novels to be published was Wuthering Heights, which she brought out under the name Geoffrey Archer. Jane was soon churning out books. First, she wrote Pride. Her next book was Prejudice, then Sense, followed by Sensibility, four bestsellers, usually sold as two-for-one packages.

Jane Austen was briefly engaged to a draper called Richard Scrap, but she broke it off because she didn't want to be known as Jane Austen Scrap. She was very sensitive about names after the experience of her sister, Aribella, who married the banker, Charles Fonte, and became Aribella Fonte. She went on to become a popular calypso singer. Mark Twain was deeply moved when he heard of Jane Austen's death, and at her memorial service he declared that he wanted to dig her up and beat her over the skull with her own shinbone. Sarah. Was he deeply moved? He wasn't deeply moved, no. In typical Jane Austen style, Catherine Morland, the teenage heroine of Jane Austen's Northanger Abbey, is a tough-talking private eye who is a keen baseball player, and when the

district attorney puts her on the trail of a serial killer, she uncovers a plot to destroy the White House and is faced with a choice between a shootout on top of the Statue of Liberty or to take tea with the young parson who sets her heart aflutter. Thank you, Graham. And at the end of that round, Graham, you've managed to smuggle three truths past the rest of the panel. The first one of which is about Mark Twain. He wasn't deeply moved by Jane Austen's death,

but he did declare that he wanted to dig her up and beat her over the skull with her own shinbone. But that was not in the spirit of being moved. The second truth that Graham managed to smuggle is that, as a youngster, Jane could often be found riding squirrel. It was one of the things Graham said. What is it?

Jane's brother, Frank, had a pony called squirrel oh excuse me i don't think that's fair play no well it is noted we may have to tweak the format but um as co-creator of the format graham obviously can pass veto over that and the third truth is that katherine morland the teenage heroine of jane austen's northanger abbey is a keen baseball player and this is the first recorded reference to baseball and was written 40 years before the official invention of the game in America. Ooh. And that means, Graham, you scored three points. Jane Austen coined the phrase dinner party.

Before that, no one had thought to eat and talk about house prices at the same time. The name Northanger Abbey was originally just Susan, just as well she changed it, as one or two paragraphs would otherwise begin, Mr Tilney spent a lot of time in Susan. And even worse, Mr Tilney smiled

as he entered Susan by the Trader's entrance. Which brings us to the final scores. In fourth place, with minus three points, we have Sarah Millican. In third place, with no points, it's Sandy Toksvig. In second place, with two points, it's Arthur Smith. And in first place, with an unassailable four points, it's the co-owner of the format, Graham Garden. That's about it for this week. Goodbye.

The Unbelievable Truth was devised by John Naismith and Graham Garden and featured David Mitchell in the chair with panellists Graham Garden, Sandy Toksvig, Arthur Smith and Sarah Millican. The chairman's script was written by Dan Gaster and Colin Swash and the producer was John Naismith. This was a random production for BBC Radio 4.