The Unbelievable Truth - 14x04 Ancient Egypt, Ice, Rubbish, British food

Episode Date: February 12, 2022

14x04 19 January 2015 Ed Byrne, Holly Walsh, Richard Osman, Henning Wehn Ancient Egypt, Ice, Rubbish, British food

We present The Unbelievable Truth, the panel game built on truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. Hello and welcome to The Unbelievable Truth, the panel show about incredible truths and barely credible lies. I'm David Mitchell. And this week's panel consists of four seasoned campaigners, by which I'm afraid I mean they were recently pepper-sprayed. Please welcome Ed Byrne, Holly Walsh, Richard Osman and Henning Vein.

The rules are as follows. Each panellist will present a short lecture that should be entirely false, save for five pieces of true information which they should attempt to smuggle past their opponents, cunningly concealed amongst the lies. Points are scored by trues that go unnoticed, while other panellists can win points if they spot a truth Ed Byrne. Ed was one of the presenters on BBC Two's Volcano Live, with one reporter noting, So now we know.

No one can make molten rocks fun. Ed, your subject is ancient Egypt, the site of an ancient civilization centered on the lower reaches of the Nile River, which was ruled by a pharaoh and noted for the great pyramids of Giza. Off you go, Ed. Fingers on buzzers, the rest of you. I am a qualified Egyptologist. I was drawn to this subject not by my love of all things ancient or Egyptian, but by my deep-seated desire to debunk the notion that the ancient Egyptians were all that, just because they had remote-controlled cars and air conditioning and had perfected the science of cartography all before 1500 BC.

Big deal. Holly. Did they have air conditioning? They did have air conditioning. They used a form of air conditioning known as evaporative cooling. Some used fly roofs as air conditioners by stretching canvas over a wooden frame and soaking it with water. The evaporating water lowered the surrounding air temperature.

Others used large, porous earthenware vessels for the same purpose. If you ask me, they were idiots. What would you do if you thought you had hemorrhoids would you rub your anus with tree bark and then grind said bark into a powder and then drink it mixed with your own urine richard yes i would i suppose it was a question so it can't be true or false i mean it just is it is a question let's assume no points lost, no points gained. Oh, thank you.

Just time lost. We're all a little closer to the grave. A much smaller grave than the pharaohs enjoyed. If you were feeling a bit peaky, a bit unwell, a bit below power, what would you do? Take some vitamins? An aspirin, maybe?

Not if you were an ancient Egyptian. You'd take a mouse, mash it up, mix it with some faec fecal matter and wolf it down And then probably wonder why you still felt lousy any they done both those things what I've said first and Secondly is both the answer to do is yes, you would do that if you were an ancient Egyptian You're guessing on both those yes a double truth guess exactly well you come out evens A double truth guess.

Exactly. Well, you come out evens. One is true and one isn't. The first one is not true. They did not rub their anus with tree bark and then grind said bark into a powder and drink it. They really should. Mix it with their own urine for hemorrhoids. Works for you, doesn't it?

Well, yeah, they didn't. But if they were unwell, a bit below par, they would take a mouse, mash it up, mix it with some faecal matter and wolf it down. And supposing I was to give you a mixture of honey, sour milk and crocodile dung, what would you do? Would you shrug your shoulders in disgust? Would you think that's the last time

we let him join our secret Santa circle? Well, if you were an ancient Egyptian woman, you'd use it as a contraceptive. Don't ask me how. I presume you just rub it on yourself so nobody wants to go near you. Henning. If I was an old Egyptian woman, that's exactly what I would

be doing. It was actually an ancient Egyptian woman in the sense of woman from ancient Egypt rather than a very old woman from Egypt. Because I suspect very old women from Egypt probably don I suspect very old women from Egypt probably don't have the same contraceptive needs.

But that is true. Anyway, whether it's... APPLAUSE They used those ingredients as a contraceptive. They were made into a pessary to block or kill sperm. If your cat died, would you bury it in the back garden? Would you take it to a pet crematorium? Would you put it in the bottom of the wheelie bin

and hope the bin men didn't notice? What would you do? Well, if I said I'd shave my eyebrows off, then you just might be an ancient Egyptian and I have no time for you. Richard. Absolutely true. The eyebrow shaving cat reaction.

You're right. Absolutely right. So what did they do? They shaved their eyebrows when the cat reaction. You're right. Absolutely right. So what did they do? They shaved their eyebrows when the cat died. Yeah, so they didn't look surprised. The Greek historian Herodotus details how a household would go into deep mourning if their cat died

and that shaving eyebrows was used to signify the loss. Cats were even mummified after death and mice, rats and sources of milk placed in their tombs. The only people I hate more than the ancient Egyptians are 19th century aristocrats who insist on behaving like ancient Egyptians, like the 10th Duke of Hamilton, who spent 11 grand on an ancient Egyptian coffin and then had to have his legs cut off when he was buried in it because it was too small. Richard, It's a tempter, isn't it? It's a good lie if it's a lie.

It's true. It's true. Yes, the sarcophagus was eight inches too small for the Duke and is thought to have originally been made for an ancient Egyptian lady or court jester. There are various accounts of how the Duke's legs were crammed in following his death in 1852,

with some saying the legs were cut off and others reporting that they were rearranged with a sledgehammer. Do you know, I'd cut my head off. I'd take the eight inches off the top, not the bottom. Would you? Yeah, and I'd tuck it under my arm. Or put it between my knees you know just with my chin facing upwards that looks like i was giving birth to myself

and i'd shave my eyebrows off just for more surprise. Thank you, Ed. And at the end of that round, Ed, I'm afraid you've managed to smuggle only no truths past the rest of the panel, which means that you've scored no points. Okay, we turn now to Holly Walsh. Holly was co-host of the Channel 4 late-night topical entertainment show TNT. Though, of course, we only have her word for that.

Holly, your subject is ice, a brittle, crystalline, transparent solid that forms when water is frozen. Off you go, Holly. Ice cream doesn't contain either ice or cream. It's harvested from the tears of snowmen. Clint Eastwood's first act as mayor of Carmel, California, was to legalise ice cream street sellers, ice cream brothels, and eating an ice cream whilst using a submachine gun.

Ed. The first one. Clint Eastwood legalised ice cream sellers. You're absolutely right. Ice cream isn't actually cold. It only feels like that because all ice is haunted. Ice cubes were only invented as a way for pubs to give you less Diet Coke. And if you stare at ice long enough, you can pretend you've got laser eyes. give you less diet coke and if you stare at ice long enough you can pretend you've got laser eyes though frozen foods sound like a good idea they can be dangerous in one year alone 600 britons

are knocked unconscious by frozen lasagnas 2 000 injure themselves trying to pry apart frozen foods and an amazing 25 000 people have lost a lip from sipping directly from a vodka luge ed i think it might be the middle one people have injured themselves that could be the title of this show i myself have injured myself trying to prize a parked frozen food. Well, you're absolutely right. Yes. According to figures released by the Health and Safety Executive in the year 2000, actually there were 2,040 injuries recorded as a result of frozen food.

Most of these were caused by people trying to prise the food apart with a knife. Surprisingly, ice hockey is actually only the third most dangerous sport after drunk darts and bleach volleyball. Only 2% of professional ice hockey players have lost a finger, 62% have lost a tooth, and 98% have lost the ability to recall why they took the sport up in the first place. Henning.

I can easily picture 62% of them having lost a tooth. You're absolutely right. According to the University of British Columbia, 62% of Canadian players have lost one or more teeth. Can Danako, who retired in 2003 after 20 seasons playing ice hockey, lost a total of 12 front teeth during his sporting career? Eskimos have 50 words for snow, 40 words

for ice, and only one word for racist stereotyping. Henny. I don't know if that's an urban myth or not, but there is 50 words for snow in the Inuit language. It is an urban myth. Okay. No, they have about the same number as we do in English, e.g. slush,

drift, sleet, snow. Oh, no, it was the colour white, wasn't it, that they had 50 words for? No, that's Dulux you're thinking of. Holly. Captain Clarence Birdseye, the inventor of slush puppies, named them after the area known as Slushpupo in eastern Siberia, a place so cold that people's breath actually freezes and falls to the ground as ice crystals.

A lady's frozen sigh is regarded as a local delicacy there and a fart as a quick snack. Richard. I'm going to say that your breath does fall to the ground in eastern Siberia as crystals. I can picture that. Yeah, you're right, it does. It does indeed.

I can picture that. Yeah, you're right, it does. It does indeed. When the air temperature drops below minus 55 degrees Celsius, as it does in eastern Siberia, it causes the moisture in people's exhaled breath to turn into ice crystals in the air. So rapid is the freezing of these moisture droplets that it actually makes an audible whooshing sound,

which the native Yakut people refer to as the whisper of the stars. It's lovely. It's putting a very positive spin on living somewhere awful. That is quite nippy, isn't it? Minus 55. When I think about how we moan about the drizzle and they live in a place where they breathe out and it freezes and falls to the ground and they live in a place where they breathe out and it freezes and falls to the ground and they call it the whisper of the stars that's the sort of place someone from

newcastle would wear a jacket if you attend the annual frozen dead guy celebrations each march in colorado you can enjoy such events as coffin racing or a frozen salmon toss. According to the World Health Organization, Reykjavik has the highest standard of postnatal maternity care in the world. That's why mum's gone to Iceland. Though an iceberg got the blame, the Titanic actually sank

due to a lack of being able to float. Ed. I'm afraid that's true. Well, I mean... And an iceberg did get the blame i mean it wasn't one of the truths that holly was given but there is no doubt that the titanic sank due to a lack of being able to float i know i and i think i'm going to give you a point yes in your face and it is it is in my face it's in my face And it is in my face It's in your face It's in my face

And it's in Holly's face And I think it's in Henning and Richard's faces as well A little bit Yeah It's like the whisper of the stars Yeah The whisper of the stars in your face What do you do when a star whispers in your face?

20 years later you take them to court. APPLAUSE Thank you, Holly. At the end of that round, Holly, you've managed to smuggle one truth past the rest of the panel, which is that if you attend the annual Frozen Dead Guy celebrations in March in Colorado, you can enjoy such events as coffin racing or a frozen salmon toss. That means, Holly, that you've scored

one point. Scientists cannot agree on why ice is slippery. One scientist concluded, it seems clear that the molecular structure is... LAUGHTER According to a Czech proverb, when a donkey is well off, he goes dancing on ice. Though in the UK, it's more often a sign that the donkey is not quite the celebrity he used to be.

Next up is Richard Osman. In 2011, Richard won Heat magazine's Weird Crush Award. A compliment and an insult at the same time. Rather like being voted world's sexiest racist. Richard, your subject is rubbish, waste material or things that are no longer wanted or needed. Off you go, Richard. The science of rubbish is variously known as garbology, obsolology or media studies. The study needed a name.

Ed. Obsolology is another word for the study of rubbish. It is not. Garbology. Well played again, sir. Are you going to buzz? Garbology. Garb-syllology is another word for the study of rubbish. It is not. Garbology. Well played again, sir. Are you going to buzz? Garbology. Garbology is correct.

Yes! According to the OED, garbology is defined as the scientific study of the refuse of modern society. The study needed a name because researchers were not entirely comfortable with being called rubbish scientists. In Britain, it is not actually an offence to throw rubbish over your neighbour's

garden wall. Holly. I bet that's true. I bet you you're allowed to dump stuff as long as it's not on a public road or pavement or something. It is absolutely true. It's not an offence. It's, um... British law states that it's not a an offence.

British law states that it's not a criminal offence to throw litter onto private property because this action counts only as trespass, which is a civil matter. Now, if you ever find yourself in Reykjavik, Iceland, and fancy visiting a museum of rubbish, then you're in luck, because you are just one simple 13-hour round flight away from the Trash Museum in Hertford, Connecticut.

Highlights of the Connecticut Trash Museum include a solid gold pooper scooper, Abraham Lincoln's pedal bin, a large pile of compost, a dinosaur skeleton made entirely of discarded KFC chicken bones, and a collection of apple cores once thrown away by John Bon Jovi, Henry Kissinger and Pele. Holly. Well, one of those has got to be true. No, I'm going gonna go with the compost it sounds like the worst quiz show ever yes no you're absolutely right that's true that is that is a highlight of the connect Trash Museum. Other highlights include a one-ton trashasaurus

constructed out of recycled materials and an old-fashioned town dump. Sadly, the Trash Museum had to close for a week in 2013 after foxes got in overnight. Henning. Again, I believe that. It's not true. So you lose a point

but they would probably appreciate a museum more than most people yeah but to them it's an ideal home exhibition isn't it it would be very nerve wracking to be a cleaner at the museum of rubbish yeah Richard

my local tip in Chiswick has everything you might expect in a West London Refuge Centre namely a Twitter account and it's own small branch of Waitrose Richard. My local tip in Chiswick has everything you might expect in a West London refuse centre, namely a Twitter account and its own small branch of Waitrose. But it is just a tiny bit smaller than the Fresh Kills rubbish dump on Staten Island, New York, which at one point was bigger by volume than the entire Great Wall of China,

making it the second largest man-made structure ever seen on Earth, just behind the Croydon IKEA. Holly. Something in that pile of rubbish facts is true. I'm going to go for... Yeah, this is you're the cleaner at the trash museum. What's going in the bag, what's staying on display? Second biggest man-made structure in the world.

That's not true. Has got more volume than the Great Wall of China. That can't be true. Are you going to buzz? No, just thinking about it, I lost my bottle there. I'm going to buzz. I think that's true. That is true. Yes, the Fresh Kills rubbish dump on Staten Island, New York,

was bigger by volume than the entire Great Wall of China, which means it's not the second largest man-made structure ever seen on Earth, but the largest. It was created in 1948 and at its height was fed by 20 barges, each carrying 650 tons of waste each day. The waste was concentrated in four mounds, which at their peaks were 25 meters taller than the nearby Statue of Liberty. The dump was closed in 2001 and there are now plans to turn it into a park rubbish can also provide us with perspective on some of the greatest works ever created in human history for example while the word rubbish occurs just twice in the king james bible it appears more than 40 times in reviews of the first series of pointless

holly i think there's something in that what was it again rubbish 50 times think there's something in that. What was it again? Rubbish 50 times in the... It goes twice in the King James Bible and more than 40 times in reviews of the first series of Pointless. OK, twice in the King James Bible. You're absolutely right. Ironically, I am cleaning up on this rubbish round. And at the end of that round, Richard, cleaning up on this rubbish round. Yeah.

And at the end of that round, Richard, I'm afraid you've smuggled no truths past the rest of the panel. Oh, thank you. Which means you've scored nought points. 40% of the rubbish in Uganda's capital, Kampala, is made up of discarded banana skins, making it the

silent comedy capital of the world. Next up is Henning Vane. Henning is German but has lived in the UK for many years, so he knows that if he sees a crime taking place, he should call 999. And if shouting no doesn't work, contact the police. Henning, your subject is British food, nourishing substances consumed by people native to the United Kingdom. Off you go, Henning. As Jesus once remarked while downing a nice cup of bovril, yum, yum, yum, British food is the best food in the world.

This is the only thing Jesus and Richard Dawkins agree on. British food creates harmony, balance and world peace. That's why Edward de Bono has advised that Marmite be shipped to the Middle East, where he says a lack of zinc has made people violent and possibly contributed to the Arab-Israeli conflict. Ed? I'm going to say that it had been postulated that a lack of zinc was causing the tension in the Middle East. You're absolutely right. Yes, Edward de Bono advised that Marmite should be shipped there. He came up with the advice after being called into the Foreign Office in 1999 to help solve the Arab-Israeli conflict. He believes there is a lack of zinc in Middle Eastern diets

due to the consumption of unleavened bread made without zinc-rich yeast. And this zinc deficiency makes men irritable and belligerent. It's relatively recent that British food became edible. This is in no small part thanks to Germany. When Prince Albert referred laughingly to his duck's hunt as a sausage dog, Queen Victoria was puzzled, having no idea what a sausage was. Prince Albert soon impressed her with his meaty German treat. I reckon, technically speaking, the sausage was a German treat. Holly.

I reckon, technically speaking, the sausage was a German import. No. The great breakthrough regarding British cuisine was the invention of the crisp. In 1945, Walkers the Butchers started selling slices of cooked potato

because they'd run out of meat. The crisp proved so popular, he ran out of potatoes too and had to replace them with hoover dust. Richard? I wonder if Walker did make crisps because he ran out of meat. That is absolutely true. Where was he based?

You've skillfully avoided saying that he invented crisps because he didn he invented crisps. Oh, he didn't invent crisps. Where is he from? Walkers? Leicester. Is that why Gary Lineker does it? Yeah. Oh, wow.

Yeah, there's no money involved. Today, the Leicester site is the biggest crisp factory in the world, producing 50-foot crisps. No, no, sorry. Producing 7 million bags of crisps every day. British diet was mostly animal dung until the Normans arrived in 1066. At one point things had got so bad that Welsh peasants would eat placenta for protein. These days the only real use for placenta is to give it to vegans as a margarita pizza.

real use for placenta is to give it to vegans as a margarita pizza. How would they laugh when they realise? Holly? I reckon they did eat placentas, animal placentas and whatnot, as a delicacy. No. Welsh peasants didn't eat placentas for protein. Well, the Normans, they added several culinary traits to the diet, including fish,

which was never before eaten in Britain and was referred to as cold, emotionless sea squirrel. Since those days, fish have not looked back, not least because they have very, very short necks. Apart from eels, which are made entirely of neck. Until the 1800s, jellied eels were known as neckfish in snot.

Yum, yum, yum. Ed. Yeah, I'm going to go with that. Jellied eels were called neckfish in snot. That's not looking good, is it? No, they weren't. I bet somebody called them that. But not those who set out to market them, anyway.

Champagne is, of course, a British invention, and you can only eat a swan if Princess Anne has smashed it to death. But not... Ed. invention and you can only eat a swan if princess anna smashed it to death but no ed i'm gonna go for champagne actually being a british invention you're absolutely right doesn't champagne specifically have to be from the champagne region otherwise it's just a fizzy white wine well the way of making champagne fizzy the method champenoise was invented by a british scientist christopher merit in 1531 40 years before don perignon started to use that technique so the technique by which the white wine of the champagne region is rendered into fizzy champagne was invented by a British person. But no one shows more commitment to the nutritional cause than Captain Beanie,

leader of the new Millennium Bean Party. He dresses in baked bean orange, bathes in beans and devotes his life to baked beans. His party's motto is wind of change. Come to think of it, british dishes are the result of eccentricity toad in the hole for example derives from the belief of early fossil hunters their toads could live encased in stone as long as they were given enough gravy holly i reckon there's something in that the invention of toads in the hole came from toads living in holes. You're absolutely right. Yes.

Yes, the name toad in the hole dates from the famous toad in the hole hysteria of the early 19th century. Everyone remembers that, right? This is what happened to people before the internet was invented. It's centred around a popular belief that hundreds of live toads had been discovered entombed in ancient rocks. The rock toad hysteria finally peaked in the 1830s when Oxford geology professor William Buckland buried a number of toads in stone blocks

to test their survival skills. Public fascination waned as most died quickly, with the longest surviving two years. And that's the end of Henning's lecture. At the end of that round, Henning, you've managed to smuggle one truth past the rest of the panel, which is that Captain Beanie is the leader of the New Millennium Bean Party. He dresses in baked bean orange, bathes in beans,

and devotes his life to baked beans. His party's motto is Wind of Change, as you said. This orange-painted Welshman in a superhero costume won the 2009 Eccentric of the Year Award, bestowed by the Eccentric Club, whose current patron is the Duke of Edinburgh. Captain Beanie, who claims to be from the planet Venus, but is actually from Port Talbot,

has stood for election to everything from his local borough council to the 2010 general election, where it says here he defeated the UKIP candidate by 69 votes. The question is, should he be able to stand for election if he's from the planet Venus? He probably shouldn't, at which point you say, it's alright, I'm from Port Talbot. Right. Anyway, that means... That's a very UKIP

view of it, though, isn't it? That means, Henning, that you've scored one point. Which brings us to the final scores. In fourth place, with no points, we have Henning Vein. In joint second place with one point each, it's Ed Byrne and Richard Osman. And in first place with an unassailable two points, it's this week's winner, Holly Walsh.

That's about it for this week. Goodbye. The Unbelievable Truth was devised by John Naismith and Graham Garden and featured David Mitchell in the chair with panellists Richard Osman, Holly Walsh, Ed Byrne and Henning Vein. The chairman's script was written by Dan Gaster and Colin Swash and the producer was John Naismith. It was a random production for BBC Radio 4.