The Unbelievable Truth - 14x05 Fakes, Holes, Cats, Marie Antoinette

Episode Date: February 12, 2022

14x05 26 January 2015 Lloyd Langford, Josh Widdicombe, Susan Calman, David O'Doherty Fakes, Holes, Cats, Marie Antoinette

We present The Unbelievable Truth, the panel game built on truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. Hello and welcome to In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. Hello and welcome to The Unbelievable Truth, the panel show about incredible truths and barely credible lies. I'm David Mitchell. This evening's panel were recently described to me by the producer as four up-and-coming comedians, by which I'm afraid he just meant that they were out of bed and on their way. Please welcome Susan Calman, Lloyd Langford, Josh Widdicombe and David O'Doherty. The rules are as follows. Each panellist will present a short lecture that should be entirely false, save for five pieces of true information which they should attempt to smuggle past their

opponents, cunningly concealed amongst the lies. Points are scored by truths that go unnoticed, while other panellists can win points if they spot a truth, or lose points if they mistake a lie for a truth. First up is Lloyd Langford. Lloyd is from Port Talbot in Wales. Looking slightly run down and often shrouded in smoke, Lloyd is a very popular comedian. Slightly run down and often shrouded in smoke, Lloyd is a very popular comedian. Lloyd, your subject is fakes, described by my encyclopedia as counterfeit items or behaviour intended to mislead, deceive or defraud. Off you go, Lloyd. Fingers on buzzers, the rest of you. Female brown trout fake orgasms to encourage males to ejaculate prematurely,

which is why from now on I'm going to take a spare pair of pants whenever I go fishing. I'm going to go straight in there. Brown trout, absolutely. The lady brown trout pretends to have had the lady moment. You're absolutely right. Yes. In 2001, research conducted by biologists

from Sweden's National Board of Fisheries found that the female trout faked orgasms in 69 cases out of 117. The slight titter at the number 69. The trout mate by simultaneously releasing sperm and eggs, but often the female trout will perform the mating ritual of quivering violently with an open mouth, but refrain from releasing eggs,

while the male always releases its sperm. It's thought this trick allows the females to avoid mating with undesirable males. But they're still doing it. From the male trout's point of view, it's sort of win-win. In human terms, it's known as your 20s. One of the earliest instances of scamming concerns the Bible and the now excised Paul's eighth letter to the Corinthians.

Bored by the dryness of their previous correspondence, Paul adopted the persona of a Nigerian prince... LAUGHTER ..and promised the Corinthians a large amount of shekels in return for a small admin fee. LAUGHTER Before the 2003 invasion of Iraq, the CIA debated flooding the country with a faked video

depicting Saddam Hussein having sex with a teenage boy. Josh. Yeah. I think they probably did. That's just the kind of thing they'd get up to. They didn't, but it is true that they considered it, which is what Lloyd said, so well done, you get a point. The CIA planned the video to look like grainy hidden camera footage

with the intention of shaming the former Iraqi dictator. However, a video was made showing Osama bin Laden and his followers sitting around a campfire, getting drunk and talking about having sex with boys. According to one CIA official, neither would have been effective because the target audience would not have viewed the act as taboo. The film, entitled Oiled Up Dictator, Weapons of Ass Destruction, is currently

available on Netflix. Silent movie star Harold Lloyd blew off part of his hand while fooling around with what he thought was a fake prop bomb. It wasn't. His famous stunt in Safety Catch, 1925, where Lloyd precariously hangs off the clock hands of Big Ben,

was facilitated by Lloyd's ability to magnetise his replacement metal fingers. There are more fake doctors practising in India than real ones. Josh? I think the fake doctors to the real ones in India, it just felt... Was it someone in the audience going yeah that's true do you know what i saw susan consider it and i thought if she's considering it then i

can get in on the ground floor here and so i'm going for it you're absolutely right wow there are there are 40 000 fake doctors operating in Delhi alone, according to KK Kohli, chair of the anti-quackery committee of the Delhi Medical Council. So Josh's tactic is now to watch me rather than listen to the lecture. That is just what... That's my tactic in life. Mother Teresa's personal physician of 39 years was later revealed to be a fraudulent plumber from Lucknow

who figured a woman that close to God wouldn't need too much looking after. Suspicions arose after he tried to install a washer to combat a urinary infection. The art forger, Madame Claude Latour, was so skilled that some of her faked Morris Utrillo paintings fooled even Utrillo himself, though Utrillo's powers of observation were later called into question. Josh. I'm going to go with the faked Utrillo paintings that fooled him. Did you... I heard Susan gasp after you buzzed.

Was that entirely based on... No, it wasn't. It sounds like Susan was frustrated by that buzz. Yeah. He's just looking at me now. I'm not. He's looking at me in a sexual way. He's looking at me like I'm a piece of meat. And do you know

what? I deserve better. Oh, this is like Big Brother. But you're absolutely right, Josh. It is true that the that the arch ford and madame claude latour was so skilled at faking maurice utrillo paintings that utrillo himself was often fooled can i just say for the record i'll be covering my eyes just so that susan knows that i'm not cheating i know you're not cheating josh i know you're not cheating

josh it's just it's just about. It's just a bit of flirting. It's just a bit of harmless flirting. It's nothing harmless. It's not actually cheating. He is allowed to look at you. He is, and he does. In order to derive advantage in the game, if he believes that it would do so.

No, and listen, it's absolutely right. You know, when you watch Moonlighting, and there was just such sexual chemistry between the two people that it turned into kind of almost an aggression. That's what I think you're seeing between Josh and I tonight. I mean, I'm practically pregnant with the testosterone. Now, the rest of us are hugely aroused just watching.

It's, um... If only you could see us at home. Look, I've said it for several years. I think the show would go quicker if we wore clothes. John Naismith, the producer, he's got his standards, he's got his system. He's come too far in show business to stop now. Anyway, Lloyd.

Comedian Steve Martin paid 1.3 million dollars for a faked Mona Lisa, specifically because a quirk of the artwork means it is the ears rather than the eyes that follow you around the room. Thank you, Lloyd. And at the end of that round, Lloyd,

you've managed to smuggle one truth past the rest of the panel, which is that silent movie star Harold Lloyd... Oh, no! ..blew off part of his hand while fooling around with a real bomb that he thought was a fake prop. Harold Lloyd lost his right thumb and forefinger in the 1919 accident just as his career was starting to take off. Lloyd would hide his disability with expensive flesh-colored prosthetic gloves

whenever photographed and that means lloyd you've scored one point yes silent movie star harold lloyd lost part of his hand while fooling around with what he thought was a fake prop bomb it wasn't and he had to hastily commission a black sign with white writing saying, ARG! In 2007, a clerical error led a court in Naples to summons Donald Duck, Mickey Mouse and Tweety Pie to the trial of a man accused of faking cartoon products.

As witnesses, Donald Duck and Mickey Mouse were no use at all, but once in the stand, Tweety Pies sang like a canary. Next up is Josh Widdicombe. Josh is the host of the five live show Fighting Talk, or as it's known in Scotland, Talk. Josh, your subject is holes. Openings or hollowed-out areas made in or through a solid body or mass. Off you go, Josh. And I can't look at Susan while doing this. Right. In Victorian times, short aristocrats would have six-inch holes

dug wherever they went so their wives could enjoy wearing high heels without being taller than their husbands. Susan. Yeah, I'll have a bit of that. Mainly because I think everyone should stand in a hole so I'm the same height as them. Do you know what it's like to never have a face-to-face conversation with any other human

being apart from a 13-year-old child? Shakira. You could chat to Shakira. She's very short. She's not as short as me. Do you know the only people that are as short as me? Kylie Minogue is as short as me. She's 4ft11. Same height as her. Thank you.

Pingu. Pingu. But you can't hold a conversation with Pingu. No. As you're already implying, by the way you're advocating this it hasn't happened in the past right so it's uh not true yet yet but josh right to recap aristocats would have a six years previously previously in holes i think you just said aristocats there which is i, a vegetable with a top hat.

I'm really enjoying just thinking about that. I thought it was sweet when he said Aristocarrots. Quite seriously, Aristocarrots is marketing gold. That's the must-have toy this Christmas. It's got the Downton Abbey chic. It's got eating more healthily. Come on. Aristocarrots, Lord Carrot,

Lady Carrot, the Little Carrot, the Radish Butler. Come on! We can't... We're wasting our time here. We need to be getting down to Mattel and pitching Aristocarrots.

Josh, carry on. Shall we move on to the next paragraph? Golf was originally played without a hole, with the first game taking two Scotsmen three years to play before they called it a draw. Lloyd? I'm just guessing. Did it used to be that it was the nearest to the flag

rather than in the hall? So that's where... That is a very clever reasoning. But wrong. Yes. No, like, unfortunately, they always had the hole. Holes dug in the beach to make sandcastles are responsible for more fatalities in the US than shark attacks.

Lloyd? I'll have a guess at that. You're absolutely right yes between um between 1990 and 2007 only 12 people were killed by shark attacks in america but 16 were killed by falling into holes dug in the sand to make sand castles and other beach fortifications as a result dennis arnold who runs a beach patrol at Martha's Vineyard, has instructed lifeguards to stop children digging holes.

Mr Arnold was quoted as saying, some parents protest. They say, you're ruining my kid's day. And I say, I don't care. Every 10.5 seconds, someone somewhere in Britain starts to dig a hole in the road. Lloyd. Does someone in Britain dig a hole every 10.5 seconds?

No. Yes. Oh, yes. According to the Department of Transport, there are around 3 million roadworks carried out in Britain every year, which works out as one every 10.5 seconds, or an average of 8.3 roadworks per kilometre of road.

It is thought by some theorists that every great character in children's literature has been based on a different type of hole-making equipment. Charlie Bucket was based on Roald Dahl's Spade, The Very Hungry Caterpillar was written about hole punch, and Aslan's adventures at the back of the wardrobe were inspired by an electric drill C.S. Lewis owned that looked like a lion. Susan.

Yes. One of them was right. Could I... And I accept I'm just being sexist. Could I trouble you for which one, you think? One or ones? Might be true? Yes, you may trouble me for that. And I believe that the one that is correct there

is the very hungry caterpillar. Oh, my goodness. No. Sorry. You're absolutely right. Oh! Author Eric Carle has admitted that the inspiration for the best-selling book

came from punching holes in paper. Originally, the story starred a bookworm and was called A Week With Willie the Worm. Risky. Before Carle's editor suggested a caterpillar might be less creepy. More appropriate. The hole in doughnuts is widely believed

to have been invented by a sea captain in order to thread them onto the spokes of his ship's wheel. The hole in polos, which is the exact size of a pencil, was invented as a measurement to judge if an animal was a mouse or a rat. As everyone knows, the only difference between these two creatures is a mouse

can fit through a hole as wide as a pencil, where a rat can only fit through a hole as wide as a laptop. Susan. I had Rensicle round, because we've got mice, as wide as a pencil, where a rat can only fit through a hole as wide as a laptop. Susan. I had Rensicle round, because we've got mice, and he used a pencil to see where the mice were coming in from. So it's the pencil one is correct. You're absolutely right.

Yes. Yes. The Rensicle man came round, because they chewed through the electrical wires, and the Rensicle man said, you should get a cat. And he turned round, and my three cats were sitting on the sofa, just going, I don't know what to think,

so thanks very much. So we've still got mice and cats that can't be bothered, because I don't want to kill the mice. I just don't want them to chew the wires. Is there a way of successfully removing their teeth? Yeah, I think, I mean, there is a way, but I think it's quite labour-intensive. I think it involves catching a mouse,

sedating it, and taking it to some sort of veterinary dentist. That's not... Which, when you've got, if you, say, have 50 or 60 in the house, then that's a really, that's a big job. And then, actually, you think you've got these 50 toothless mice running around the place. You spend your whole time liquidising cheese. It's not worth it.

Choose Dairy Lee. Dairy Lee, yeah. Or a brie from there. They could probably gum down a brie from there. Yeah, it's actually not as big a problem as I thought. And that's the end of Josh's lecture. And at the end of that round, Josh, you've managed to smuggle one truth past the rest of the panel,

which is that the hole in doughnuts is widely believed to have been invented by a sea captain in order to thread them onto the spokes of his ship's wheel. In the mid-19th century, Captain Hanson Gregory is said to have poked a hole in a deep-fried dough ball during a storm as he needed both hands on the ship's wheel. And that means, Josh, you've scored one point. Next up is Susan Calman. Susan joins us in the aftermath of the Scottish independence referendum. A messy conflict between the eyes and the nose. Rather like Gordon Brown's face.

LAUGHTER Susan, your subject is the cat, or house cat, a small domesticated feline known for its thick fur, whiskers and ability to catch rodents. Off you go, Susan. When I was 20, I fell out of a tractor and was knocked unconscious. When I came to, I found myself in a cave. As my eyes adjusted, I saw that I was surrounded by hundreds of cats.

They took to me immediately because I had a university degree, a sure sign of a cat person. I wasn't frightened by the cats. They told me they only attacked humans when U2 came on the radio or when there was a Tom Cruise or Hugh Grant film on, as apparently Tom is allergic to cats. Lloyd. Is Tom Cruise afraid of cats? He is allergic to cats.

OK, so that's what I'm guessing. So you can have a point for that. Other cat allergy sufferers include Bill Clinton, Sigourney Weaver, Billy Bob Thornton and George Clooney. Occasionally, the cave cats scratched my arms. I didn't mind. Cats have done far worse. In Hampshire, there's a bylaw that prohibits anyone letting a cat out of the house without a muzzle, since a fierce moggy once attacked seven postmen.

Point of information, if you're ever attacked by a cat, the best way to defend yourself is to punch it in the nose. Josh. Nose. I think you should punch a cat in the nose. Well, I don't think you should punch a cat in the nose. Actually, I do, just to test the theory. That is not the best way to defend yourself against a cat. I'm told by my notes. I'm told by my notes here, the best way to defend yourself against a cat. I'm told by my notes... Well, you haven't tried it.

I'm told by my notes here, the best way to defend yourself from a cat is to strangle it. The best thing is a bucket of water over the cat. Strangulation of a cat is a last resort. I tell you what, I've been around that block a few times and hardly ever have I felt the need to strangle a cat, so, you know. My cat captors told me of their history. Muslim mythology dictates that the first cat came into being on Noah's Ark

when God made a lion sneeze and out came a cat. Apparently, whenever they have the annual Cats vs Dogs Jamboree in Cardiff, dogs don't even put up a decent fight. Twister is easier for the felines as they can turn their back legs 360 degrees. Guess Who is always a whitewash as cats have better memories than dogs and the cats always win at battleships

because of their war experience. Lloyd. There's definitely a truth in there, but I'm not really sure where. I mean, I liked cats have better memories than dogs. That was the one I liked. Are you going with that? Yes, I'm going with that.

That is true. Thank you. That's a point. In 2006, researchers at the Université de Moncton in Canada reported that dogs remember things for five minutes while cats can remember things for 16 hours. The cats shouted, meow, meow, meow, at me, and I left.

And every day I sit and wait for their signal, for the time that my cat masters will rise up and destroy humanity, and I will be happy, for they are my gods. Thank you Susan. And at the end of that round Susan you've managed to smuggle three truths past the rest of the panel and they are that a university degree is a sure sign of a cat person. Well not quite a sure sign but in 2010 researchers from Bristol University found that people who own a cat are more likely to have a university degree than those who own a dog. The study also found that cat owners were more likely to be female and living in smaller or

single-person households than dog owners. So it's not all good news. The second truth is that in Hampshire, a fierce moggy once attacked seven postmen. The cat would spit at postmen and jump at their throats. And the third truth is that Muslim mythology dictates that the first cat came into being on Noah's Ark when God made a lion sneeze and out came a cat. According to Muslim mythology, the cat was created by God in response to Noah's concern at the increasing number of mice on board the ark. He just needed a good veterinary dentist. And that means, Susan, that you've scored three points. Completing our Celtic special, it's David O'Doherty.

Your subject, David, is Marie Antoinette, an 18th-century queen of France known for her beauty, extravagance and execution by guillotine during the French Revolution. Off you go, David. Due to a chronic flatulence problem from her pulse-heavy diet as a youth, Marie Antoinette insisted that beautiful aromas follow her around at all times. Her bedroom was filled with three tons of fresh flowers every morning. Her private flock of sheep were perfumed and she employed

a full-time servant known as Monsieur Oopsie. Lloyd, did she have a farting problem? I'm looking at that as a glass half empty. This is my finest hour, I think. As far as we know, she did not. She employed a full-time servant known as Monsieur Oopsy,

whose job was to accept responsibility for the foul smell, if anyone mentioned it. She's also credited with creating the phrase C'est celui qui l'a dit qui l'est, the prototype of He who smelt it dealt it. So eager to copy her style were the members of her court

that they all carried tiny trumpets that mimicked the dreadful sound of her harps and would join in on a good slash bad day. These instruments became popular nationwide and are today known as French horns.

Following advice from a quack doctor, for a time Marie Antoinette believed that carrying vegetables on her person may solve her problem. When she began to wear carrots and artichokes in her hair, just regular carrots, not... Yeah. Although technically, when she wore them,

they did become... More aristocratic. When she began to wear carrots and artichokes in her hair, a lady-in-waiting said, I shall never again wear anything but vegetables. Susan. I think a quack doctor told her to wear vegetables for some reason.

No. Lloyd? Did she wear vegetables in her hair? She did wear vegetables in her hair. Yes, and it's true. A lady in waiting did say, I shall never wear anything but vegetables.

She was also wearing radishes at the time. Marie Antoinette was a big fan of vegetables and helped popularise the eating of potatoes in France by wearing potato blossom in her hair. Previously, the French had eschewed potatoes because they weren't in the Bible. I mean, think about it. There'd be no cappuccinos, no doughnuts.

You know, you can't. It's not a cookbook. I mean, there's one supper. And it's... Frankly, there's a bit of a weird atmosphere. David. Marie Antoinette bathed nightly in water imported from her Austrian homeland

and heated to the precise temperature of her favourite cat. Josh. I think she bathed nightly. Oh, well, she didn't bathe nightly in water imported from her Austrian homeland, which was the full assertion. And I doubt she'd bathe nightly. They were, you know... French.

It was said that she bathed only in carbonated water But modern commentators now believe The water may not have been carbonated When she stepped into it And became carbonated as a consequence Of her chronic ailment Marie was not permitted to reach For anything herself So unless the lady-in-waiting,

honoured with the job of passing her water, was present, she had to go thirsty. Susan. She wasn't permitted to reach for anything herself. Fact. That is a fact. Yes. Louis XVI did not consummate his marriage with Marie Antoinette

for seven years. He put this down to a foreskin that was too tight. However, the royal consummation did coincide with the construction of a fully air-conditioned and fumigated bedchamber. Josh. I'm going to have a go at the seven years and the foreskin. That's a sentence I never thought I'd say.

Sounds like a title of a sort of saucy fantasy novel. The Seven Years and the Force Game. That is absolutely true. Louis XVI was only able to consummate his marriage after being circumcised aged 22. My friend was circumcised aged 22, and as a gift we bought him the phil collins album no jacket required thank you david at the end of that round david you've managed to

smuggle one truth past the rest of the panel which is that marie antoinette's private flock of sheep was perfumed. The Queen escaped from the formalities of court at Versailles by inventing a parallel court in the palace grounds where she dressed as a milkmaid and tended to heavily perfumed sheep and goats. And that means that you've scored one point. Marie Antoinette's marriage to her husband was famously hampered by his sexual limitations,

so instead she busied herself with marathon gambling sessions, on one occasion playing cards for three nights straight. Hang on, this all seems worryingly familiar. LAUGHTER LAUGHTER Which brings us to the final scores. In fourth place, with minus three points, we have Lloyd Langford. In third place, with nought points, it's Susan Calman. In second place, with one point, it's David O'Doherty.

And in first place, with an unassailable three points, it's this week's winner, Josh Whittacombe. That's about it for this week. Goodbye. The Unbelievable Truth was devised by John Naismith and Graham Garden and featured David Mitchell in the chair with panellists Josh Whittacombe, Susan Calman, Lloyd Langford and David O'Doherty. The chairman's script was written by Dan Gaster and Colin Swash

and the producer was John Naismith. This was a random production for BBC Radio 4.