The Unbelievable Truth - 14x06 Fat, Smells, Shopping, Gardens

Episode Date: February 12, 2022

14x06 2 February 2015 Arthur Smith, Sarah Millican, Sandi Toksvig, Graeme Garden Fat, Smells, Shopping, Gardens

We present the unbelievable truth, the panel game built on truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. on truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. Hello and welcome to The Unbelievable Truth, the panel show about incredible truths and barely credible lies. I'm David Mitchell. And thank you to the listener who wrote in to say that this show has brought unexpected joy into his previously mundane existence. Apparently, while listening in the car, he was laughing so much he had to pull over into a lay-by, and that's where he discovered dogging.

I'm joined by four of the funniest comedians here tonight. Please welcome Graham Garden, Arthur Smith, Sandy Toksvig and Sarah Millican. The rules are as follows. Each panellist will present a short lecture that should be entirely false, save for five pieces of true information, which they should attempt to smuggle past their opponents, cunningly concealed amongst the lies. Points are scored by truths that go unnoticed,

while other panellists can win points if they spot a truth or lose points if they mistake a lie for a truth. First up is Arthur Smith. Arthur, your subject is fat, a greasy solid deposited as a layer under the skin in animal bodies to form a reserve energy source. Off you go, Arthur. Fingers on buzzers, the rest of you. Danish artist Marco Evaristi invited some close friends for dinner

and served them a starter of his own toenails slow-roasted in his own fat. A pasta with meatballs made from his own fat and for pudding, apple with custard made from his own fat. Americans. One out of three Americans weighs as much as the other two. weighs as much as the other two. Sarah.

I think that's true. I mean, I'm sure it's true in many cases. It's sadly not true. Well, I say sadly. Thankfully, it's not true on average. American John Brower Minock, who weighed 100 stone, once put on 14 stone in a single week.

Sarah? I think that's totally possible. It is. It is true. Wow. Well done. Thank you. 14 stone in a week? In a single week. Who did he eat?

Not me. According to theinness book of records at his peak in 1978 minoc was the heaviest person in medical history when he fell ill it took 12 firemen to lift him out of his house 13 nurses to turn him over in bed and two beds strapped together for him to lie on in hospital he Wow. He'd have been rubbish at basketball. Yeah. In 2009, because of how fat the Americans had become, the American Architects Association decreed the standard door width be increased

from 38 inches to 46 inches. For the same reason, in 2010, the US Coast Guard had to lower the number of people allowed on ships. I like the Coast Guard thing. The Coast Guard thing is absolutely true, yes. Yeah, the Coast Guard in 2010 raised the assumed average weight per person from 160 pounds to 185 pounds due to a rise in the average weight per person from 160 pounds to 185 pounds due to a rise in the average weight of Americans.

In the 1970s, 68-stone Dennis Rimmer worked for Burnley Council as a roundabout. Holder of the Guinness World Record for the fattest woman, Pauline Potter once got involved in a TV show featuring a pre-diet fat-off with a bitter rival from Arkansas, the super flabby Mountain Maeve Delacroix. In the end, Pauline lost £100 by having sex seven times a day. One of her lovers lost his footing during the encounter and was crushed to death by Pauline's breast.

On cold days, to keep myself warm, I like to smear myself with rancid yak fat. So do Tibetans. Well spotted. So do Tibetans. Well spotted. It's the bit about Arthur that's true, isn't it? The Tibetan thing.

It is the Tibetan thing, it's true. I should have got that, I'm sitting next to him. Yes, the Tibetans smear themselves with rancid yak fat. The fat also discourages insects. I have not finished this speech on fat. Thank you, Arthur. At the end of that round, Arthur, you've managed to smuggle two truths past the rest of the panel,

which are that Danish artist Marco Evaristi hosted a dinner party, and the thing that he served, of the things Arthur suggested, the one that was true was he served pasta with meatballs made from his own fat. The fat was extracted from his body by liposuction. Evaristi produced 48 meatballs in all, and some were canned and sold at four thousand dollars for ten meatballs the artist claimed you are not a cannibal if you eat art um i think that's possible it was mistranslated from the danish can i just say

um the second truth is that the holder of the guness World Record for the fattest woman, Pauline Potter, lost 100 pounds by having sex seven times a day. In a 2012 interview with Closer magazine, Pauline revealed, I can't move much in bed, but I burn 500 calories a session. Pauline also explained that her bed is strengthened and told readers that, although I can't buy sexy lingerie, I drape a nice sheet over me. Which means, Arthur, you've scored two points. As a baby, Albert Einstein was considered much too fat by his grandmother. All the same, Einstein was a baby full of energy,

which he got by multiplying his mass by the speed of light squared. OK, we turn now to Sarah Millican. Before becoming a stand-up comedian, Sarah used to work in a call centre, day after day, wearily repeating the same old patter to strangers. Still, it's better than working in a call centre. Sarah, your subject is smells. Odours or fragrances that are perceived in humans or other animals through the nose by the olfactory nerves. Off you go, Sarah.

The animal with the best sense of smell is the dogfish, though they waste this talent and fritter away most of their time sniffing other dogfish's bums. LAUGHTER The basset hound is so cold because of its ability to detect licorice all sorts. The Turpentine Mango smells like turpentine. The Goat

Moth smells like goat. The Cheese Worm smells like cheese. The Lavender Weasel smells like lavender. The Sugar Bat smells like icing sugar. And the Common Town Mouse smells like lavender the sugar bat smells like ice and sugar and the common town mouse smells like wolverhampton graham i've got a sneaky feeling that the goat moth got its name from smelling like goats well it may well have done because it certainly smells like goat so well done it's apparently the moth larvae that emit a strong smell

similar to that of a male goat. The 2008 body spray Flame by Burger King offered the scent of seduction... ..offered the scent of seduction with a hint of flame-broiled meat. In blind smell tests... Graham. I think they're stupid enough to do that. Flame.

They're smelling of meat. You're right, they are. The company said of the fragrance, the Whopper sandwich is America's favourite burger. Flame by BK captures the essence of that love and gives it to you. Wow. It retailed at $3.99, considerably cheaper than competitors such as Chanel No. 5, which costs over $80.

Was it the same price as an actual burger? Because, you know, I just got a burger and rubbed it on yourself. OK. In blind smell tests, the anal glands of the African civet cat were preferred to the smell of Trump, the fragrance by Donald Trump. And David Beckham's Was That You? The poet Ted Hughes liked to work with a bowl of dead mice on his writing desk as he maintained that the smell of decomposition stimulated his creative processes. It was quite unusual, Ted Hughes. And he wrote about the crow and the animals.

I think this is definitely true. In fact, I've read the biography of Ted Hughes that says this is the case. Whatever you may say. I've read the biography of Ted Hughes that says this is the case. Whatever you may say. So what you're saying is you're indifferent to my response to this? I am, because I know I deserve a point whether or not I get one. Well, I'm very glad that you've found that happy place, because back in the real world, I'm afraid you don't get a point.

I've always got a ball of rotten apples nearby because I don't like apples. Well, that's why I've got rotten mice. Have you ever eaten a rotten mice? I did when I was in the war. That was all we had to eat. No, actually, my dad, he ate rats, he told me, because he was a prisoner of war and i said to him once i said what does rat taste like and he said oh you know a bit like dog

baboons have been trained to smell explosives and gerbils can smell adrenaline as a result the animals were installed in airport security areas to detect terrorists. Such was their success that in 2003 at Amsterdam's Schiphol airport a strange smelling suitcase was found containing 2,000 baboons noses with a sinister note attached

which read, we knows your game. Someone's gender can be guessed with 70% accuracy just by smelling their hair, but I find a much more surefire way is by looking down their trousers. Sandy. Yeah, I think you could tell gender by smelling somebody's hair. No.

Oh. Though it has been reported that guessing someone's gender just by smelling their breath has achieved 95% accuracy. I thought you were going to say by smelling their breasts. That's quite clear already, isn't it, really? That's very much the technique I've been using. And that's the end of Sarah's lecture. At the end of that round, Sarah, you've managed to smuggle three truths

past the rest of the panel, which are that the turpentine mango smells like turpentine. And the second truth is that gerbils can smell adrenaline, and as a result, the animals were installed in airport security areas to detect terrorists. MI5 originally planned to use gerbils at airports in the 1970s,

but dropped the scheme after it was discovered that gerbils could not tell the difference between terrorists and passengers who were just scared of flying. I love this. Don't they have a little hat as well? Tiny, officious gerbils. We'll have him! Is that your impression of a gerbil?

That's my impression of a gerbil. I thought it was rather good. Can we hear it again? No! I smell fear! And that's that man! Well, if everything else falls around you, you've got a job there.

And the third truth is that in 2003, at Amsterdam's Schiphol Airport, a strange-smelling suitcase was found containing 2,000 baboons' noses. Baggage handlers became suspicious of the 30 kilogram suitcase from Nigeria after noticing its putrid smell. It's believed the rotting noses were intended to be used as a medicine or fertility booster. And that means, Sarah, you've scored three points. In blind smell tests, most mothers rated their own baby's nappies as the least smelly. And most fathers insisted they couldn't smell tests, most mothers rated their own baby's nappies as the least smelly. And most fathers insisted they couldn't smell anything, so nothing needed changing. Next up is Sandy Toksvig. Sandy

is the host of the daytime quiz show 15 to 1. Over the course of is shopping, the act of visiting shops and retailers for the purpose of purchasing or examining goods. Off you go, Sandy. Probably the nicest shop I've ever been in was a delicatessen in the Middle East called Cheeses of Nazareth. Sadly, it was not a happy... Graham. That's got to exist, hasn't it? Well, Cheeses of Nazareth. Sadly, it was not a happy... Graham. That's got to exist, hasn't it? What, Cheeses of Nazareth? We're not aware of it if it does. It should.

It's a bit of an open goal. Get the franchise now, yes. Sadly, it was not a happy place, as cheese is the most frequently shoplifted item in the world. Of course, no shop can function without a good name to help entice the customers in. Who would not be tempted into the shop in San Jose in California, Sarah. One of those has to be true. called Lino Ritchie, or the printer ink refill shop near Leeds called Allen Cartridge. Sarah? One of those has to be true.

I'm going to go with the Dublin one. Lino Ritchie. Lino Ritchie. That is true. Well done. Yes, Lino Ritchie was established 30 years ago after Lionel had enjoyed his only UK number one single with Hello. They are one of

ireland's leading carpet and flooring companies today around 50 billion transactions a day take place on the internet here the phrase buyer beware is not always heeded in june 2014 a malaysian man known only as ong spent 100 pounds purchasing a penis enlarger online. When he received the parcel, it turned out to be a five pound magnifying glass. I bet that's true. Yeah, that is true, Sarah. Yes, the chairman of Malaysia's customer complaints bureau told reporters that the disgruntled customer was too embarrassed to reveal who he'd ordered the penis enlarger from. I don't see why that would be the focus of embarrassment. The £5 magnifying glass was complete with the advice, do not use in direct sunlight.

Research shows that people in supermarkets are increasingly using the contents of other people's shopping trolleys to assess their possible merits as romantic partners, with certain foods sending out clear signals to potential mates. According to experts, tinned fruit suggests niche sexual appetites. All baking items suggest you are older than you look, while ready-made chocolate fudge cake says, let's have a wild time doing whatever pleases us,

and cocktail cherries scream, I'm rather shallow and pretentious. Oddly, the item in your trolley most likely to help you pull in a supermarket is ice cubes. Thank you, Sandy. And at the end of that round, Sandy, you've managed to smuggle three truths past the rest of the panel. And they are that cheese is the most frequently shoplifted food item in the world, which surprised me. This was discovered by the first worldwide shrinkage survey in 2011.

Shrinkage being what retailers call shoplifting. 2011 shrinkage being what retailers call shoplifting in italy parmesan cheese accounts for 10 of all thefts from shops more than any other product the second truth is that there is a printer ink refill shop near leeds called alan cartridge and the third truth is that research shows that people in supermarkets are using the contents of other people's shopping trolleys to assess their possible merits as romantic partners, with certain food sending out certain signals. Brussels sprouts signify

I'm down to earth and enjoy a stable lifestyle. Fish fingers, I'm unadventurous between the sheets. Unless you use the fish fingers. Well, precisely. Great injustices could be done. And tinned soup?

Too many nights alone. A tendency to be a bore. That's really harsh on soup. Yeah. That's really harsh on soup. But that means, Sandy, you've scored three points. Next up is Graham Garden.

Graham has been performing comedy since the 60s and now at the venerable age of 71 is one of the gardens hoping to be acquired by the National Trust. Graham is best known for the television show The Goodies. In one far-fetched episode, The Goodies run a celebrity safari park where the chief attraction is a captive Rolf Harris. Imagine that, Rolf Harris being locked up. Unbelievable.

Graham Garden, your subject is the garden, an area of ground usually near a house where plants such as flowers or vegetables are grown. Off you go, Graham. Adam and Eve lived in the garden of eden until they were thrown out by god after eating the fruit of the tree of knowledge arthur they lived in the garden of eden didn't they adam and eve well i don't know i don't know for sure but i believe in jesus but do you believe also in the literal truth of the Garden of Eden?

I'm a talking snake. Yeah, I'm a creationist, and you're insulting my beliefs. Why can't Arthur just believe he's got a point? Yes. Yes, indeed. Early botanists agreed with the Koran that the forbidden fruit was actually a banana not an apple which is how it got its Latin name

notus apulus incidentally Sandy I think it's the Latin thing is probably right notus apulus I think he's messing with us I think he's messing about with us you think it's like as it were a triple bluff

yeah no it's like, as it were, a triple bluff? Yeah. No, it's just a straight lie. Oh. I thought he was... I was suspecting him of being cleverer than he is. No, the Latin name for the banana is Musa Paradisiaca, because according to the Quran, the banana is the tree of paradise. Some horticulturists believe the banana was the Earth's first fruit. As fans of Stephen Fry's light-hearted TV quiz QI will know,

Europe's largest producer of bananas is Iceland. Fed by subterranean rumblings and emitting blasts of hot air, Stephen has hosted the show since 2001. Frankly, that's absolutely true. Well, Stephen has hosted the show. And he has hosted the show. That's all entirely true. No, he started hosting the show in 2003,

not 2001. So that's not true. Possibly cleverer than you thought. Every morning, just like his hero Charles Darwin, Richard Dawkins goes into the garden and plays the oboe to entice the earthworms out of his lawn. Much to his annoyance, he's found the worms respond best to a selection from Handel's Messiah.

The most dangerous piece of gardening equipment is the electric hedge trimmer. Arthur. Well, that's got to be true. I myself have murdered seven or eight people with an electric hedge trimmer. No, that's not true. Really? Well, what's the most more dangerous than that, then? The lawnmower.

Really? You'd have to be an idiot to be injured by a lawnmower. Well, there are 6,500 idiots every year who go to British hospitals after being injured by them. 6,500? Yeah. How many people here have been injured by a lawnmower? Yes.

One over there. Put your hands up if you've got any. There are probably more lawnmowers than hedge trimmers, so that might explain it as well. Sir Charles Isham, a vegetarian spiritualist... LAUGHTER ..a vegetarian spiritualist, introduced garden gnomes to England in 1847

in the hope that they would attract real gnomes to his garden. I want that to be true. I don't really care now whether I get a point or not. I just want to pause for a brief moment. Well, it is true. Yes, Isham imported a set of 21 gnomes from Germany to decorate a rockery at his Northamptonshire estate, Lamport Hall, writing that, quote, seeing and hearing gnomes is not a mental delusion but an extension of faculty. His daughters disliked the gnomes and after Sir Charles's death disposed of them. However, they missed one gnome that was concealed in a crevice, now known as Lampy, who can still be seen at Lamport Hall today. Lampy is believed to be the oldest garden gnome that was concealed in a crevice, now known as Lampy, who can still be seen at Lamport Hall today. Lampy is believed to be the oldest garden gnome in the world and is insured for one million

pounds. Mad King Otto of Bavaria liked to start each morning on a cheerful note by shooting a peasant in the Royal Garden. His mother, Catherine of Prussia prussia objected telling him she found the habit deeply disturbing and from then on king otto used a silencer there was some very peculiar german kings and that may have been the way he liked it to start the day i reckon you're right it was yes mad king otto liked to start the day with shooting a peasant after a few near misses his attendants decided it would be prudent to give the king a pistol filled with blanks and have a servant dress as a peasant and pretend to drop dead at the sound of his gun there is a debate as to whether the king understood that this was pretense or whether

he really believed he was slaughtering his subjects lawn tennis was invented by two neighbors one owned pet hamsters but whenever one of the little furry creatures made its way into the next door garden the irate neighbor would bat it back over the hedge with a frying pan when his wife inquired how many is that today, darling? He would reply, 15, love. During World War II, the United States government bribed Hitler's personal gardener to sneak oestrogen into the Fuhrer's food to make his moustache fall off. Unfortunately, smearing the hormone onto Hitler's fruit and veg had more of an effect on the gardener, Marlon Dietrich. Alan Titchmarsh, Fred Lodes, Pippa Greenwood,

Anne Swithinbank, Bill Sourbutts and Bob Flowerdew... I don't know what he's going to say, but I just... I know it's true. OK, you're putting your name down for that. Yeah. All right. They're all well-known hobbits. Oh, dear. In East Anglia, one in three women prefer gardening to sex.

Oh, yeah, I've been to East Anglia. That's absolutely true. Yes, this is according to a survey conducted by the gardening magazine New Eden, and it's the highest ratio in Britain. On average, only one in four women prefer gardening to sex. Do you know, I was in Norfolk, and I think some of the men, it's true,

you'd rather do gardening. I told this bloke from Norfolk, I was in Norfolk. I think some of the men, it's true, you'd rather do gardening. I told this bloke from Norfolk, I said, Knock, knock. He said, Hello? Graham. Yes, in East Anglia, one in three women prefer gardening to sex, which explains why East Anglia has the UK's highest number of hoes. And that's the end of graham's lecture and at the end of that round graham you've smuggled two truths past the rest of the panel the first one of which i alluded to earlier which is that early botanists agreed with the quran that

the forbidden fruit in the garden of eden was actually a banana, not an apple. And the second truth is that during World War II, the United States government bribed Hitler's personal gardener to sneak oestrogen into the Fuhrer's food to make his moustache fall off. The primary aim, to be fair, was to make Hitler more feminine and so less aggressive. Other tactics discussed by

the Allies included disguising bombs in tins of fruit and importing them to Germany and dropping glue on Nazi troops in an attempt to stick them to the ground. And that means, Graham, you've scored two points. scored two points. The biggest European grower of bananas is Spain, not Iceland. No one's sure of the exact numbers grown because just after they start trying to tally them, daylight

come and they have to go home. Which brings us to the final scores. In fourth place, with minus six points, we have Arthur Smith. In third place, with minus two points, it's Sandy Toksvik. In second place, with one point, it's Graham Garden. And in first place, with an

unassailable four points, is this week's winner, Sarah Millican. That's about it for this week. Goodbye. The Unbelievable Truth was devised by John Naismith and Graham Garden, and featured David Mitchell in the chair, with panellists Graham Garden, Sandy Toksby, Arthur Smith and Sarah Millican. and graham garden and featured david mitchell in the chair with panelists graham garden sandy

topspin arthur smith and sarah millican the chairman's script was written by dan gaster and colin swash and the producer was john nesmith it was a random production for bbc radio 4