The Unbelievable Truth - 15x02 Pets, Bacteria, Zombies, Water

Episode Date: February 12, 2022

15x02 31 August 2015 Arthur Smith, Jon Richardson, Susan Calman, David O'Doherty Pets, Bacteria, Zombies, Water

We present The Unbelievable Truth, the panel game built on truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. Hello and welcome to In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. Hello and welcome to The Unbelievable Truth, the panel show about incredible truths and barely credible lies. I'm David Mitchell. As for this week's panel of comedians, I have to tell you we were having a lot of fun and laughs backstage.

And then they all turned up. Please welcome David O'Doherty, Susan Kalman, John Richardson and Arthur Smith. The rules are as follows. Each panelist will present a short lecture that should be entirely false, save for five pieces of true information which they should attempt to smuggle past their opponents, cunningly concealed amongst the lies. Points are scored by truths that go unnoticed, while other panellists can win points if they spot a truth or lose points if they mistake a lie for a truth. First up is Arthur Smith.

Arthur, your subject is pets, described by my encyclopaedia as animals kept in a domestic setting for companionship or pleasure. Off you go, Arthur. Fingers on buzzers, the rest of you. OK, 30% of Britain's domestic cats are owned by my next-door neighbour, Babs. It seems like it, anyway. Julius Caesar had a pet hippopotamus which once farted so loudly it blew a consul's hat off.

The Emperor Napoleon, meanwhile, had a pet giraffe. He named it Arthur after Arthur Wellesley, the Duke of Wellington, and he used to kick it in the middle of the night when he couldn't sleep. I'm going to say that Napoleon did have a pet giraffe. He was a short man. He would have compensated to some extent through his extraordinarily long neck. It would be quite hard

to live with a giraffe in your house, wouldn't it? Well, this was the French Emperor, of course. He had a lot of space, very high ceilings. It is workable, but unfortunately it isn't. Oh, come on. Now, meanwhile, the Emperor Napoleon's missus, the Empress

Josephine, had a pet orangutan that joined her for dinner dressed in a white cotton blouse and was able to juggle Viennese cakes. Susan? Yeah, I think Josephine had an orangutan that she dressed up. You're absolutely right.

Oh, come on! Well, I think Napoleon having a giraffe is a lot less outlandish than Josephine having an orangutan. What is it with the French? Well, yes, but one of the things that this show preys upon is that things aren't true in order of plausibility. Yes, the Empress Josephine's pet orangutan spent five months living with her at the palace of Malmaison.

Once tamed, the animal wore a dress and ate its meals at a table with a knife and fork. And if you want to see it, it's preserved at the Muséum d'Histoire Naturelle in La Rochelle. So that sounds like worth a trip to La Rochelle in itself. What was the name of the museum? The Muséum d'Histoire Naturelle in La Rochelle. That's a very bad French accent.

Well, I'm sorry, Arthur. That's true. I must say, I didn't think I'd be picked up on my French accent. About all peace, I leave, mon brave. Oh. I have to say, I think your French accent's rather better than your English accent. LAUGHTER

The five most popular names for a pet cat in the UK are all in the following list. Charlie, Molly, Shagbag... ..Poppy, Schweinsteiger... are all in the following list. Charlie, Molly, Shagbag... ..Poppy, Schweinsteiger... ..David Mitchell... LAUGHTER ..Willow, Clitty and Oscar.

Susan. Oscar is one of the most popular names for cats in the United Kingdom. I have a cat called Oscar, therefore I prove that point fact true. Thanks. Susan, you're absolutely right that Oscar is one of the five most popular pet names, and in fact the whole statement of Arthur's is correct in that five of those names listed are among the... Clitty. Was Clitty one of them? No, surprisingly, I'll give you the list again. Maybe you can guess the ones that aren't among the five. The list is Charlie, Molly, Shagbag, Poppy, Schweinsteiger, David Mitchell, Willow, Clitty and Oscar. Oscar's one of the most popular.

Can you pick the other four from...? Shagbag. No, Shagbag's not among bags not i can imagine standing at my back door saying shag bag shag bag your mummy's waiting no shag bag i don't know it's probably in it back number eight or something but david mitchell please go to the loo in your tray would be another unusual thing to hear i think think it's probably Willow, Molly. Yes, it's Charlie, Molly, Poppy, Willow and Oscar. So leaving Clitty and Shagbag somewhere outside the top five.

Arthur. The writer Dorothy Parker had a pet canary she called Onan because he spilled his seed on the ground. Susan. I think Dorothy Parker probably had a canary. I don't know why. I just get the feeling that she had a canary. Everyone's staring at me.

This is the worst thing. You're an idiot. I'm nodding. No, no, yes, she did have a canary. You're right. And according to the Oxford Dictionary of American Quotations, Dorothy named her canary Onan, referring to Genesis 38.8, because he spills his seed on the ground.

The philosopher Jeremy Bentham owned a pet teapot, which he called Potty. Norman Lamont, the former Chancellor, has a pet Frenchman. The longest goldfish ever known was five feet long. The oldest goldfish ever known was 43 years old. The cleverest goldfish ever known got three O-levels. David. One of those is true.

OK, so we're going to discount the last one. I'm going to go with the 43-year-old goldfish. You are correct. The last one. I'm going to go with the 43-year-old goldfish. You are correct. According to the Guinness Book of Records, the goldfish, known as Tish,

was won as a prize at a fun fair in 1956 by Peter Hand of Thirsk, playing Roller Penny. Tish was buried in a yoghurt carton at the bottom of his owner's garden 43 years later. Thank you, Arthur. And at the end of that round, Arthur, you've managed to smuggle one truth past the rest of the panel, which is that the philosopher Jeremy Bentham owned a pet teapot. But from a philosophical point of view, how do you define a pet?

For me, the number one thing would be a pulse. Well, I mean, he was an eccentric man, but he referred to this teapot as his pet. But he would also share his bed with a pig and a cat, and he called the cat the Reverend John Langhorne. He also once wrote to London City Council asking if he could replace the shrubs beside his driveway with mummified corpses which he said would be quote more aesthetic than flowers he's he's

stuffed isn't he i've seen him yes he is stuffed he's in a glass-fronted wooden cabinet at university college london so it would be a nice thing to go and see after you've seen the orangutan at the... Well, I won't say the name of the museum. I'll only offend Arthur. That means, Arthur, you've scored one point. We turn now to John Richardson. John recently made a documentary about his tendency towards obsessive-compulsive disorder.

He's got it largely under control, although that is the reason that we're all sitting in alphabetical order tonight. about his tendency towards obsessive-compulsive disorder. He's got it largely under control, although that is the reason that we're all sitting in alphabetical order tonight. John, your subject is bacteria, single-celled microorganisms that can be beneficial, as in the process of fermentation or decomposition, or harmful, as when they cause infection or disease. Fingers on buzzers, everyone else. Off you go, John. I was just trying to check whether we were in alphabetical order and we are if you do it uh on first names which nobody would anyway

from the latin word bactis meaning small and area meaning to agree with someone from the north of England... LAUGHTER..bacteria were first discovered in 1685 in the latrine of scientist and Lothario Francis Stuart, the great-great-great-grandfather of current pop maestro Rod Stuart. I think maybe that's when they were first sort of discovered or found bacteria, 1685, was it? No. Not far off. It was in 1676. But it wasn't by Francis Stewart. Well, I never said that.

I think he'd found it originally, didn't publish it till the year you said it. Well, till the year I said that was nine years earlier. Yes, no, you're quite right. It may have been. Francis Stewart probably discovered it and then just waited minus nine years. Hey, it sounds a bit like bacteria to the future. Am I right, everyone? Oh! The original 1676 discoverer, by the way,

was a Dutch cloth merchant called Antonie van Leeuwenhoek. Knowing immediately that he'd stumbled upon something significant but being too excited to think of anything better, the first bacteria were christened animalcules, as in molecule, though ridicule forced him to change the name at a later date. Rod's song, Do You Think I'm Sexy, is a tribute to his ancestor Francis and is actually a song about living with gonorrhoea. As are handbags and glad rags, you wear it well,

and have I told you lately that I'm riddled? You are more likely to pull with gonorrhoea than without it, as gonorrhoea are the strongest bacteria known to man. Jeff Capes used to deliberately catch as many STDs as he could in the lead-up to World's Strongest Man competitions, believing that the bacteria gave him the edge over his rivals in events such as Atlas Stones and the carpool, though his clean and jerk both suffered.

Susan, what are you going to pick from that load of rubbish? I was going to pick that gonorrhoea... Oh, I'm going to sound like an idiot here. It's the strongest bacteria known to man. That's not right, is it? It is right. Oh! Pound for pound, the mighty gonorrhoea bacterium

is the strongest organism ever. It can pull 100,000 times its own body weight, the equivalent of a human dragging 10 million kilos. Wow. It has been proven that listening to Rod Stewart for one hour can decrease brain activity by 30%. But listening on headphones can increase in-ear bacteria by 700 times. For those of you listening to this show on headphones at work, there is no need to be overly concerned.

Just have a good long sip of your tea and relax in the knowledge that you will Be fine feeling better good Studies suggest that one in five office tea mugs contain traces of fecal bacteria Arthur I think that's quite a lot was for Jeremy gets everywhere. Did it bacteria? Well, however it happens, you're absolutely right. Say it. Yes. 20% of office mugs carry faecal bacteria

and 90% are covered in other germs. That's because in an office, most people tend to clean their cups with bacteria-laden sponges or scrubbing brushes instead of in a dishwasher. Well, cheers. Not surprisingly, there are more bacteria in your mouth than there are people in the world.

Arthur. I think that's quite likely. They are little bastards and there's loads more. Yes, Arthur, you're right. Yeah. In one mouth, the number of bacteria can easily exceed the number of people who live on Earth, which is currently more than six billion.

These bacteria form communities, with the floor of the mouth populated by different communities to those bacteria on the bottom of the tongue and the top of the tongue playing host to different bacteria from those on the roof of your mouth. It wasn't until the dawn of the 21st century that bacteria were classified as simply friendly or unfriendly in a campaign aimed specifically at the gullible middle classes by a drinks manufacturer marketing a beverage that had been accidentally contaminated. Continuing the historical family link, Yakult was named after the nickname given to Rod Stewart in Scotland. Thank you, John. And at the end of that round, John, you've smuggled two truths past the rest of the panel,

which are that the first bacteria were called animalcules when they were discovered in 1676 by that Dutchman who I mentioned. Van Leeuwenhoek also discovered sperm in 1677, which he considered to be one of the most important discoveries of his career. No-one had noticed sperm before. I mean, I think they'd noticed semen, but they didn't know that there were little, you know, tadpole-y things wriggling around in it.

He had them in a Petri dish which he dropped on the floor, and that's why Dorothy Parker had another canary called Van Levenhook. The second truth is that wearing headphones can increase in-ear bacteria by up to 700 times. And that means, John, you've scored two points. Next up is Susan Kalman. Susan, your subject is zombies, fictional undead creatures typically depicted as mindless, reanimated human corpses

with a hunger for human flesh. Off you go, Susan. The best way to kill a zombie isn't to shoot it in the head. The best way to get rid of a zombie is to gently stroke its earlobe while singing, If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me? The zombie will then just walk away. But it's essential you keep stroking

its earlobe until it's out of sight. The Latvian government has an official zombie and vampire department. And the Canadian government... Arthur. I think, yeah, that one. Well, the Latvian government has an official zombie and vampire department. Well, like a museum or something.

It could be a small department. No, sorry, it's not true. Can I just jump in now and confidently say that whatever Susan is about to say about the Canadian government, I think is true. So what's your tactics here? What are you thinking? She's smuggling either side of an outlandish fact.

She's smuggling Dr Truth. Yeah, I think there's a hole in the ground and Arthur's in it now. And Susan's leaning over the hole laughing, but what she doesn't know is I'm behind her with a shovel. It's an interesting tactic. Continue to say the next thing, Susan. And the Canadian government even organised a zombie awareness week.

Well, you're absolutely right. Oh, no! The campaign launched in May 2011 was intended to educate more members of the public, particularly younger ones, about real emergencies. Can I just say I hate what John Richardson has brought to this show,

which is a tactical awareness. Before he was here, this show was like tennis pre-Ivan Lendl, and we were all just having a bit of a laugh, smacking the ball over the net. Oh, a bit of barley water. And suddenly this machine has come in here, analysed everything, probably in the weights room, pumping away, and we're left with this,

oh, probably the next thing's going to be true. It's like, you know, it's much what it is. It's snooker. You know when snooker was enjoyable and they would all send smoke and have a pint? Are you saying that John is the fun-spoiling Steve Davis of the unbelievable truth? We're all Bill Werbenick out of our minds, 16 pints a frame.

Yeah, I think well done to you, John. You've brought us into a new area where it's not funny anymore. Anyway, well done, John. Off you go, Steve. Well done, John, you've killed the game. If attacked by a zombie, try getting it to drink a bottle of Blue Nun, because in medieval times, it was thought that zombification was caused by an infection and could therefore be killed by alcohol.

David. I'd have to ask absolutely any day of the week, zombification caused by... Whatever she said. Certainly, no, she didn't say that zombification was caused by alcohol, but I have found that to be so. She was saying in medieval times they thought it was caused by an infection, but they didn't.

Oh, dear, David. Oh, dear, David. Some believe that if you fed red pistachio nuts to a zombie, it would break his zombie trance and allow him to die. Others actually thought that, to release a zombie from its bondage, you simply gave it a bit of salty food or water, after which it would drag itself back to its grave. Arthur.

She said others believed that, and I know three or four people who do that. If you want their names, I can give them to you, and they will verify that they believe that. And they three or four people who do if you want their names i can give them to you and they will verify that they believe they will come and give evidence and confirm it well you don't need that rather dirty tactic because it is true that it's thought that to release a zombie from its bondage you simply give it a bit of salty food or water after which it will go back to its grave it's not an interpretation of the zombie myth much used by filmmakers, and you can see why, because, you know, the zombies come

and then someone opens a packet of crisps and everything's fine. It's not... It doesn't have the full three-act structure. What you really want after a salty snack is a pint of ale, and I imagine zombies would enjoy the Cardiff ale brains. See, I can have fun, David. It's not all about the points. Many well-known actors have started their careers shuffling around

moaning, and some, like Marlon Brando, have ended theirs that way. Colin Farrell appeared in the Irish zombie film To Be Sure I'm Dead And when John Travolta was a struggling actor He appeared in the cheap student zombie film Curriculum of the Dead.

Arthur. I'm only saying this in order that I get it wrong and then John can get it right with his Well, do you know what? I legitimately was going to buzz the first one, but Susan laughed so hard at her own joke. Arthur, I'm afraid you're wrong.

Travolta did not star in a film called Curriculum of the Dead. Even Humphrey Bogart zombied it up for our entertainment and Charlton Heston has been seen to abandon all emotion and eat a stranger's brain. John? I think Humphrey Bogart might have been in a zombie film. Your technique works. Oh! might have been in a zombie film?

Your technique works. Oh! Humphrey Bogart played a vampire zombie. That's a bit much, isn't it? I was going to say it was overkill, but then... In the 1939 horror film The Return of Dr X, Bogart preferred not to discuss this film in interviews, considering it a low point of his career.

Anyway, that's the end of Susan's lecture. At the end of that round, Susan, you've managed to smuggle two truths past the rest of the panel, which are that people believe that if you fed red pistachio nuts to a zombie, it would break its zombie trance and that would allow it to die yeah but look people believe i mean anyone could believe anything it doesn't make it true they don't even bloody exist you're not really entering into the spirit of this subject

because taking it a bit seriously after chill out Oh, not them. The second truth that Susan smuggled past the panel is that October the 8th has been designated as World Zombie Day. Anyway, that means, Susan, you've scored two points. For the zombie film Night of the Living Dead, one of the investors was a butcher who paid the director in blood and intestines from his shop. The same butcher also invested in the book of the movie and was responsible for the disgusting appendix.

Next up is David O'Doherty. Your subject, David, is water. A clear, colourless, odourless and tasteless liquid, essential for most plant and animal life. Off you go, David. All I want is John Richardson not to find any of the truth I have hidden in this essay. John.

I think that's true. I think that's all he wants. I think that probably is true, David. It begins now. Touché, old Doherty. Touché. Water, the gravy of life. H2O, yeah. Well, it is H2O.

Yeah. The moist joist that holds everything up. The word water comes from the Russian vudor, meaning very, very, very cheap vodka. Around the equator, water is soupy and quite chewy to drink. The slowest water on earth is in Peru, where waterfalls are said to ooze, and you have to drink with a spoon.

Most people think water is clear. In fact... Well, I think most people do think that. No, I said in fact, so it was the same thought. It was a finite clause. No, you're absolutely right. Most people do think it's clear, and you get a point for that. Yes.

But it's all right, David, you don't lose a point. That sound of relief was somehow too physicalised for me to feel comfortable with. Most people think water is clear. In fact, it's really, really, really, really light blue. The precise shade is known on international paint colour charts as inkling of Smurf. Going to buzz in there?

Didn't think so. Underground volcanoes make Antarctic water slightly sparkling. John? I'm just trying to read now in David's eyes, Underground volcanoes make Antarctic water slightly sparkling. This... John. Oh, I'm just trying to read now in David's eyes, but I think that might be true. Slightly sparkling Antarctic water? Yeah. It's not, I'm afraid.

You beauty! You beauty! The gaseous effect this has on the intestine is used by penguins to propel themselves at high speed through the water. Ships travel faster in cold water than in warm water. Arthur? I don't really think that's true, but I've buzzed, so I'm going to say it is. Well, it is true.

Yay! So, well done. Yes, a ship needs buoyancy to stay afloat, and since cold water is more liquid and stable than warm water, a ship will go through cold water faster than warm water. It's true. Ships do travel faster in cold water than warm water, except the Titanic, of course,

which, curiously, is still recorded as very late on the arrivals board at New York City Port. To this day, as a mark of respect, each year on the anniversary of her sinking, no songs by rapper Ice Cube are played on New York Metropolitan Music radio stations. The human brain is 400% water, a fact we can't understand because of the amount of water in our brains. Pandas drink through their eyes, tortoises through their noses,

and the crazy straw-nosed flamingo drinks through its two-foot bendy beak. Susan. I'm going to go that tortoises drink through their nose. That's absolutely right. Well done, Susan. Tort tortoises drink through their nose. That's absolutely right. Well done, Susan. Tortoises drink through their noses and they can also drink through their mouths, as you'd expect,

but also through their tails. We lose half a pint of water and perspiration through our feet each day. Yeah, I know it's loads. That's bound to be true. That is true. Well done. Our feet have 250,000 sweat glands and the average pair gives off half a pint of perspiration per day. In ancient Egypt, the pharaohs ritually dispatched their manseed

into the waters of the Nile to ward off drought. To this day, swimming with Tutankhamen is Egyptian slang for being pregnant. Susan. That sounds like something that they would expunge. Yeah. Oh! Is that the word? It is absolutely correct.

Wow. Say what you like about British pageantry, but that sounds a lot more interesting than the state opening of Parliament. Thank you, David. And at the end of that round, David, you've managed to smuggle one truth past the rest of the panel, which is that water is in fact really, really, really light blue.

Clear water is actually very slightly blue and not just a reflection from the sky when you see that in the sea. And that means, David, you've scored one point. The record for the longest time anyone has gone without water is 11 days, although I'm afraid we don't know exactly which hospital ward it was. Which brings us to the final scores. joint third place with no points it's John and David in second place with one point it's Arthur Smith And in first place, with an unassailable eight points... Good!

..it's this week's winner, Susan Kalman. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE That's about it for this week. Goodbye. The Unbelievable Truth was devised by John Nesmith and Graham Garden and featured David Mitchell in the chair, with panellists Arthur Smith, Susan Kalman, John Richardson and David O'Doherty. and the producer was John Nesmith. It was a random production of BBC Radio 4.