The Unbelievable Truth - 15x03 Zoos, Theft, Phones, Hands

Episode Date: February 12, 2022

15x03 7 September 2015 Lloyd Langford, Henning Wehn, Sara Pascoe, Miles Jupp Zoos, Theft, Phones, Hands

We present The Unbelievable Truth, the panel game built on truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. Hello and welcome to The Unbelievable Truth. on truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. Hello and welcome to The Unbelievable Truth, the panel show about incredible truths and barely credible lies. I'm David Mitchell and we've had a great response to last week's competition when I asked listeners to suggest an alternative word for tavern. Thank you to everyone for writing in. As usual our panelists will be trying to tell the falsehoods from the truehoods. Please welcome Miles Jupp, Sarah Pascoe, Lloyd Langford and Henning Vein. The rules are as follows. Each panelist will present a short lecture that should be entirely false, save for

five pieces of true information which they should attempt to smuggle past their opponents, cunningly concealed amongst the lies. Points are scored by truths that go unnoticed, while other panellists can win points if they spot a truth, or lose points if they mistake a lie for a truth. First up is Lloyd Langford. Lloyd, your subject is zoos, described by my encyclopedia as parks or institutions where live animals are confined and usually exhibited to the public. Off you go, Lloyd. Fingers on buzzers, the rest of you. Zookeepers in Singapore have developed a natural deodorant for the inhabitants of the Ape House after repeated complaints from visitors.

The chief offender is a particularly funky gibbon named Graham. Penny. Well, I've been to Singapore, and they're really strict on law enforcing and having it all clean and nice and what have you. So that is the sort of place where they would invent something like that. If it were invented anywhere, I'm sure it would be there. It would have been there.

But unfortunately they haven't got round to it yet. Monkeys at a village zoo in Omsk, Russia, once went on a hunger strike after their keepers failed to satisfy their addiction to onions. No one makes up a story and then places it in Omsk. So I say that's

true. It is true. I think you're right. It's too specific. I've got one coming up in a little while that's set in a place you just wouldn't make up. Is that a clue? Yeah, a place in, probably shouldn't be saying it, but a place somewhere in the same ballpark, that area.

So you just wouldn't make it up. After London Zoo's Osvaldo the Ostrich died in 1973, an autopsy revealed that the contents of his stomach included a still-ticking Rolex watch, an eight-track cartridge of Lou Reed's Metal Machine music, ten shillings, three pairs of spectacles and disappeared peer Lord Lucan. Miles.

Some of these items. I think the Lord Lucan thing we'd have heard about. The coins, probably. Probably he's eaten the coins. We learned to ask you to go again. I don't mean go again. You could, but I could save us all time by saying that none of that is true.

I think another thing with Lloyd is if he gives an animal a name, it doesn't exist. Yeah, it's very tricky for me in my actual life when I have a pet. It is true, however, that among the organs of a genuinely existing dead ostrich in London Zoo were found two handkerchiefs, three gloves, a film spool, part of a plastic comb, an alarm clock winding key, two collar studs and a Belgian franc piece.

So ostriches use their stomach as a handbag. Yes, and humans use crocodiles as a handbag as well. And ostriches. Can you get an ostrich handbag? I wouldn't get one. No, but one can. One can. Don't take it to the beach, though,

because it buries itself in the sun. When a giraffe was first introduced to a Paris zoo in 1827, it set off a craze amongst fashionable Parisians for elongated necks, spotty fabrics and the eating of fruit directly from trees. Sarah. The animal didn't have a name, so this time I believe it. It is true that it set off a craze for spotty fabrics. I think you can get a point for having spotted the broad truth.

Yes, it was when a giraffe called Zarafa arrived at the zoo in Paris' Jardin des Plantes, spotted fabrics became all the rage and Parisians arranged their hair in towering styles a la Giraffe. Sir Hisselot, a king cobra once kept at London Zoo, measured a colossal 18 foot 9 inches. And when war broke out in 1939, zookeepers killed it, afraid that it would escape and come into contact with Londoners,

a notoriously unfriendly bunch. any it was a named animal yeah there is that unfortunately Sarah your named animal system has broken down here because it is true. You can't predict him. It was not called Sir Hiss-a-Lot.

Following news of an impending air raid and on the instruction of the British Cabinet, London zookeepers decapitated all the venomous snakes in London Zoo's reptile house, including the magnificent king cobra. One keeper recalled later, it was sickening. There we were, chopping away, hour after hour, chopping the heads off thousands of pounds worth of venomous reptiles. Devastated by the mass execution, he and his fellow staff all wept, especially when they heard that the impending air raid had been a false alarm. I mean, although it's an odd thing to be crying. There's no bombing.

You know, that's 2,000 people who won't die. We've killed the snakes for no reason. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, get on with it. In 1977, depressed accountant Norris McReady attempted to commit suicide by driving into Longleat Safari Park in a top-down convertible with Parma ham wrapped around his head. Sarah? I think that's a true story.

It's not true. The meat balaclava, or jam bonnet, blocked his vision. He crashed into a tree and was fatally dismantled by a troop of baboons. YouTube's first video was called Me at the Zoo and featured a man standing in front of an elephant enclosure describing how long their trunks are. And it started a YouTube tradition, as within 30 seconds of the upload,

the comments below were a baffling mixture of racism, complaints about modern music and 9-11 conspiracy theories. In 2006, Adwaitia, meaning lumbering rock, a giant tortoise which was the personal pet of Clive of India, died in a Calcutta zoo aged 255. He was the planet's oldest animal inhabitant, a title now bestowed upon Sir Bruce Forsyth. Henning.

How old can Todd Wise get? How much? Well, that's the question, isn't it? 254, I think. Yeah, it's a bit much, isn't it, 255? 155 probably would have buzzed in, Matt. Well, I hate to tell you. You buzzed in anyway, didn't you?

But it's all right, because it's true. Yes, it was Clive of India's pet. He died in 1774, and his pet died 232 years later. And that's the end of Lloyd's lecture And at the end of that round Lloyd you've managed to smuggle one truth past the rest of the panel which is that YouTube's first video was called me at the zoo and Featured a man standing in front of an elephant enclosure describing how long their trunks are and that means Lloyd you've scored one point elephant enclosure describing how long their trunks are. And that means, Lloyd, you've scored one point.

London Zoo employs a director of entertainment for the benefit of the animals. It's just one rung above director of entertainment at Channel 5. Next up is Henning Vane. Henning has been living in England for 13 years and speaks the language like a native. A native of Germany. Henning, your subject is theft. The unlawful taking of another person's property. E.g. Poland. Off you go, Henning. Cheap. Very, very cheap.

There is a fine line between stealing and borrowing. At one point, Britain had borrowed three quarters of the world... LAUGHTER..but avoided a custodial sentence by giving it all back... LAUGHTER ..with a few dents. There is also a fine line between stealing hearts and stealing heads. A Tibetan dating ritual involves a man stealing a woman's head. If she likes him, she asks for it back.

One unlucky gentleman ended up with a 16,000-strong head collection, which he sold on eBay and used to proceed to mail order a bride from Russia. LAUGHTER Lloyd? which he sold on eBay and used to proceed to mail order bride from Russia. Lloyd. I'm going to take a guess at that hat-stealing ritual. You're right about the Tibetan hat-stealing ritual, yes. In fact, hat-stealing is a centuries-old courting game in many societies where a person's hat is or was

an important indicator of social position and marital status. And that's obviously all very jolly, unlike the story of the American cage fighter who stole the heart of his training partner by ripping it out before biting into it. America truly is the land of the free and the home of the brave and the residence of a disproportionate number of nutters. Miles. I reckon that the appalling event you just described actually happened and wasn't a product of your own sick imagination. You're correct. It did happen.

It's a relief. Yes, round of applause for the psychopathic cage fighter. Jared Wyatt, who did this, claimed he was under the influence of magic mushrooms at the time. Thieves who stole a public toilet in the Belarus city of Gomel. Excellent. LAUGHTER Lloyd, yes, well remembered.

Even before Henning finished saying this, you knew that it was true. He's absolutely right. And it is absolutely right. Thieves who stole a public toilet in the Belarus city of Gomel accidentally kidnapped a man still locked inside. Yes, this is absolutely true. The 45-year-old man was using the portable public toilet when the thieves hoisted it onto a tractor trailer after securing it with a rope.

He was able to escape when the ropes became slackened due to the bumpy ride. He reported the crime the next day and the toilet was recovered soon after. That was a way in Port Talbot where I grew up to get into music festivals without paying, was to locate the PortalA-Loo toilets, break into one and wait... LAUGHTER ..until it was delivered to the site. Did you do that?

No, but I had friends that did it. They did do that? Yeah. I mean, what if the portable toilet was not destined for anything as glamorous as a music festival? You'd find yourself on a building site. Yes, or maybe you'd find yourself in the Belarus city of Goma going, where the hell's insert a name of a band? They can do that in the edit, you know.

They'll put, I don't know, one of the latest bands like U2. I've heard of them as well, actually. I'm nearly on six or seven now, I could name, including the Beatles. Do the King singers count? The gentlemen of St John's. Just like any other tradesman, thieves have their own patron saint, St Nicholas, an ideal choice, as he knows a thing or two about breaking into houses

in the middle of the night. Lloyd. I think St Nicholas is the patron saint of thieves. Yes, he is indeed. He is the patron saint of thieves on the condition that the thieves are repentant. He's also the patron saint of children, fishermen and broadcasters. Again, only broadcasters on the condition that they're repentant.

During London's anti-Iraq war march in 2003, there were 146 cases of pickpocketing and at least three cases of indecent exposure. And I would like to take this opportunity and apologise wholeheartedly. I was new to Britain and unaware of local customs. Sarah? I think that is how many pickpocketings there were on that anti-war rally.

No, it isn't. Of course Britain is outdone by an American display of goodwill. On Human Kindness Day in Washington DC 40 years ago, there were more than 500 robberies, 32 acts of arson, 17 acts of violence towards police officers. And once again, I would like to take this opportunity and apologise. I was very young and didn't know any better. Sarah. Is that one true? It is true, yes. OK, last letter. Of the 125,000

people who attended the 1975 Human Kindness Day event, 600 sustained injuries and 150 required hospital treatment. And that's the end of Henning's lecture. Come on. And at the end of that round, Henning, I'm afraid you've smuggled

no truths past the rest of the panel, which means you've scored no points. Next up is Sarah Pascoe. Sarah, your subject is the phone, a device which facilitates conversation by transmitting voices worldwide using wire or radio. Off you go, Sarah. Phones are becoming one of the most popular ways of ringing people, and before long, you'll be able to take photos and tell the time with them too. Also, they have billions of letters of the alphabet living in them, which is how half of the best-selling novels in Japan in 2007

came to be written on mobile phones. Henny. Is there a culture in Japan with all that commuting that they write books on some phone devices? Yes, there is. Yes, that's right. Yes, in 2007, five of the ten best-selling novels in Japan

were written on mobile phones. The novels were mostly love stories written in short sentences, characteristic of text messaging and containing little of the plotting or character development found in traditional novels. A modern mobile phone has greater computing power than any computer ever invented,

even the moon, the biggest computer of all. The moon used to just control the weather and childbirth... Miles. The thing that you said about power of computers. Mm-hm. I think that's true. A phone has more computing power than a computer. Is that what you said?

Yes, Sarah said a modern mobile phone has greater computing power than any computer ever invented. I'll stay clear of that, Mike. Yeah, that's not true. Oh, right. Looking back, it's hard to know what I could have been thinking during that moment of rashness. The moon used to just control the weather and childbirth,

but now mobile phone signals... Miles. The moon controls the weather. And our thoughts. I don't think the moon controls the weather. Of course you don't, it's controlling your thoughts. I mean, it definitely has an effect on the weather, I'm sure, because it affects the tides.

Sarah? The moon used to just control the weather and childbirth, but now mobile phone signals cover the globe by being bounced off the moon, which is why a good place to get a mobile phone signal is the top of Mount Everest. Henny? Now, I'm not saying this is true, but this is a sense of a moment to buzz in, because it is to do with phones. So the Mount Everest is nonsense, you can't get reception there on top, but the other one that summer, no it doesn't, the moon

doesn't really do it, it bounces off satellites, does it? The moon is a satellite. Yeah, the moon is a satellite, but it is one of the satellites that signals are not bounced off. They're bounced off man-made satellites. So, no, you're right, you were wrong. You said to me. No, I just wanted to show to Miles how it all goes. I went to buzz in.

You have reminded us all of the think-before-buzzing nature of this programme. Sarah. The first mobile phone cost £2,000 and was the size of a briefcase. Lloyd. I guess the first mobile phone was £2,000 and the size of a briefcase is a fact. That is a fact, yes. The battery life of these first mobile phones was about 20 minutes. So that's about the same as now.

Jeremy Clarkson used the world's first laptop and Jeremy Irons has the world's first robot dog. But the first person in Britain to own a video phone was Jeremy Beadle. Miles, this is true, the Beadle thing. You're absolutely right. Miles. This is true, the Beedle thing. You're absolutely right.

In 2008, Walter Elric of Los Angeles invented an electronic triggering device. Miles. This is a fact. You're just buzzing for a fluff, aren't you? Because I stumble. Is this a service you provide, Dave? You think that because Sarah mispronounced the name it had to be a real name yes she'd made up it would trip off her tongue easily

unfortunately on this occasion this is a lie about an unpronounceable name so in 2008 Walter Elric of Los Angeles invented an electronic Angeles invented an electronic triggering device for installation in theatres, which would make any mobile phone that was switched on heat up and burn the pockets of its owner. Henning. There is so much hatred towards the mobile phones in theatres

and what have you, so there is bound to be some initiative to, well, hamper the usage of them. Yes, I see what you mean. But the initiative is unlikely to be the widespread installation of a fictional device invented by a fictional person. I decided a long time ago this was true. Henning now agrees with me.

There's a host and two panelists on each side. We only need one more person to come over, and then democratically this is right. It's this sort of nonsense that leads people to refuse vaccinations. I'm afraid none of that is true. Ernest Hemingway was afraid of telephones. Iris Murdoch fancied them. Alexander Graham Bell told everyone that he'd met that he'd invented them,

but no- one believed it. Lloyd. Did Alexander Graham Bell have difficulty convincing people he'd invented the phone? No. But, interesting fact here, Ernest Hemingway, he was afraid of telephones. Would you like to buzz in for that?

Pfft! Miles has just buzzed in. Now, this is completely on a whim. Miles. Is Ernest Hemingway... Was he afraid of telephones? He was. You're absolutely right. Come on, you're right.

He was afraid of telephones. Henning, did you know that? Yeah. Well, why didn't you buzz in? Because I'm not taking myself so seriously. You're just having a bit of a chin-wank. I feel that's patronising to the format. I'm sorry, you know.

It is true, but Miles gets the point. He was getting scared. Henning apparently doesn't have enough respect for the game to want the point. The writer is said to have had three great phobias, the telephone, the taxman and public speaking. Anyway, that's the end of Sarah's lecture. And at the end of that round, Sarah, you've managed to smuggle one truth past the rest of the panel, which is that it's possible to get a mobile phone signal at the top of Mount Everest. Climbers who reach the summit

of Everest even enjoy 4G wireless technology, enabling them to live stream the view from the top of the 8,848 metre high mountain. And that means, Sarah, you've scored one point. American Ken Barger accidentally shot himself dead while answering the phone in the middle of the night. He went to answer a call and accidentally picked up a pistol instead. The gun went off when he put it to his ear. The phone call was from a friend saying, Hey, I didn't leave my gun on your bedside table, did I?

Next up is Miles Jupp. Your subject, Miles, is the hand, the terminal prehensile part of the human arm comprising a wrist, palm, four fingers and an opposable thumb. Off you go, Miles. In Roman times, during big battles in the arenas, successful gladiators had a scoring system not dissimilar to the playground game of conkers. The victor would be rewarded by having one of their late opponent's fingers stitched onto their own hands. Stars of the Coliseum could end up with as many as 20 fingers on each hand and give rise to the phrase in recognition of a great performance,

give him a big hand. Likely esteemed sitcom actor and humorous columnist David Mitchell, movie diva Bette Davis made a point of never shaking anybody's hand. And Grace Kelly was startled by where Prince Rainier shoved his hand the first time she visited Monaco. In 1959, the hand of a yeti was smuggled into England by Hollywood actor James Stewart in his wife's underwear. Lloyd.

I think that James Stewart thought he had the hand of a yeti. It is true, yes. Yes, the skeletal hand, supposedly of a yeti, was given to James Stewart while he was on holiday in Calcutta with his wife by explorer Peter Byrne, who'd stolen it from a Nepalese monastery. Stuart smuggled it back into the UK in his wife's lingerie box. It was examined by an Oxford professor who said he could not conclusively say what sort of bone it was. In the legal world,

the word testimony is related to the custom of placing one's right hand on one's testicles and then swearing an oath. Sarah? That's true. It's not. What? How is it not true? Is it one of those things that people think is true and then it's not true? Well, in this case... Yeah, in this case, yes.

Yes, I think it's widely reported to be true and usually ascribed to the Romans. However, although the Latin word testis means bearing witness and testes or testicles are from the same source, it's not true that the Romans stood around, or testicles, are from the same source. It's not true that the Romans stood around grabbing their testicles to swear oaths. Miles. Similarly, the word harassment is related to the custom of placing one's right hand on someone else's testicles

and them swearing an oath. Now, here's a fact. Er... LAUGHTER The World Mosquito Killing Championships, Now, here's a fact. The World Mosquito Killing Championships, or the WMKC, as we call them in my house, is held in Finland. The object of the championship is that competitors must try to kill as many mosquitoes as possible by hand alone in just five minutes. Henny. Well, what have they got up there in Finland?

They've got high taxes and loads of mosquitoes, so Finland is the place to do it. Well, it seems you're right. Yes, this is all true. At the World Mosquito Killing Championships in 1995, the current mosquito-killing world Champion, Henri Pellompa, killed 21 mosquitoes with his hand in the allotted five minutes. Using only one hand, Thomas Vogel of Germany

can unhook 56 women's brassieres in just one minute. Amateur. Lloyd. It sounds like the sort of thing they would do in Germany for entertainment. You're absolutely right, Lloyd, that's true. It's Thomas Vogel Can Unhook. 56 women's brassias in just one minute. It's in the Guinness Book of World Records,

and he achieved the feat in 2006. Actress Gemma Arterton was born with an extra finger on each hand. They've since been auctioned off for charity. TV heartthrob Adrian Childs was born with six fingers on each foot. A fact that he only discovered at the age of 11, unless someone's been at his Wikipedia page, which I doubt. Lloyd. I guess that Gemma Arterton

was born with 12 fingers. You're absolutely right. That's absolutely right. Yes, when she was born, Gemma Arterton had a small boneless digit next to each of her little fingers. The doctor who delivered her tied the extra fingers with sutures and they fell off, leaving just small scars.

Says Gemma, it's my little oddity that I'm really proud of. People are really interested, but repulsed at the same time. Thank you, Miles. And at the end of that round, Miles, you've smuggled one truth past the rest of the panel. The truth is that Grace Kelly was startled by where Prince Rainier shoved his hand the first time she visited Monaco.

The detail behind this is that in a bid to impress the film star, Prince Rainier brought Kelly back to his palace where he proceeded to demonstrate his bravery by sticking his hand into a panther's cage at the Palace Zoo. And that means, Miles, you've scored one point. American President James Garfield could write Latin with one hand and Greek with the other simultaneously. Wow.

Cut to 100 years later, as a baffled President George W Bush stares at the fork and spoon he's using to eat his fish fingers. Which brings us to the final scores. In fourth place, with minus six points, we have Sarah Pascoe. In third place, with minus three points, it's Miles Jupp.

In second place, with minus two points, it's Henning Vane. And in first place, with an unassailable seven points, it's this week's winner, Lloyd Langford. That's about it for this week. Goodbye. The Unbelievable Truth was devised by John Naismith and Graham Garden and featured David Mitchell in the chair, with panellists Lloyd Langford, Miles Jupp, Sarah Pascoe and Henning Vane. The chairman's script was written by Dan Gaster and Colin Swash

and the producer was John Naismith. It was a random production for BBC Radio 4.