The Unbelievable Truth - 15x05 Yorkshire, Soft drinks, Skin, Pirates

Episode Date: February 12, 2022

15x05 21 September 2015 Arthur Smith, Jon Richardson, Susan Calman, David O'Doherty Yorkshire, Soft drinks, Skin, Pirates

We present The Unbelievable Truth, the panel game built on truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. Hello and welcome to In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. Hello and welcome to The Unbelievable Truth, the panel show about incredible truth and barely credible lies. Our four comedians this week are all blessed with the ability to laugh at themselves. Well, it's a start. Please welcome David O'Doherty, Susan Kalman, John Richardson and Arthur Smith. The rules are as follows. Each panellist will present a short lecture that should be entirely false, save for five pieces of true information,

which they should attempt to smuggle past their opponents, cunningly concealed amongst the lies. Points are scored by truths that go unnoticed, while other panellists can win points if they spot a truth or lose points if they mistake a lie for a truth. First up is Arthur Smith. Arthur, your subject is Yorkshire, described by my encyclopaedia as

a historic county of northern England divided since 1974 into North, West and South Yorkshire as well as the East Riding of Yorkshire. Off you go, Arthur. Fingers fingers on buzzers the rest of you It was Friedrich Nietzsche who once observed a Yorkshireman is like a Scotsman with all the generosity squeezed out of it In York if you are within the city walls It is legal to shoot a Scotsman with a bow and arrow To tether a Welshman to a tree

and to take all your clothes off and shout, E by gum, it's called today. Susan? I think it might be that you're allowed to shoot a Scotsman with a bow and arrow. That's true. Yeah. Yes.

I don't know how well it would stand up in court, but it's a local bylaw. You can kill a Scotsman anywhere and at any time within the boundaries of the city except Sundays, but only if he is causing a threat by being in possession of a bow and arrow. It comes from the days of regular medieval conflicts between Scotland and England, York being the northern capital

and an important military location. You know, it's quite a good idea for an episode of Midsomer Murders, though, isn't it? The longest ears ever known belonged to one Thomas Wedders of Yorkshire, and they measured 7½ inches, the same length as his nose, which was the longest nose ever. He was known as Welly the Elephant. The people of Yorkshire are a distinct ethnic type which makes them physically unable to have sex

with people from Lancashire. One out of five Yorkshiremen is related to the other four. Felbeck Falls in Yorkshire is twice the height of Niagara and Yorkshire is twice the size of Mexico. Half the world's Heather is in Yorkshire. I mean, if that fact is made up, it is so supremely mundane that I think it would take an extraordinary mind. That's definitely true. Half the world's

Heather is definitely in Yorkshire. No, no, that is... Oh, my goodness. David, half the world's... You don't get Heather in very many... No, it's true. I remember reading, that's why I made the fact up, but it's something like half the world's Heather is in Britain, I think. Easter Sunday, 1461, saw the bloodiest day in British history in Towton in Yorkshire when 1% of the English male population was killed. That has got to be one of the most violent football matches ever. Susan.

Yep, 1% bloody thing. He's just bombarding me with things. It's becoming quite difficult. But you're very good, Susan, because I can reveal that is indeed true, isn't it, David? It is indeed true. Oh! Yeah.

And it shows, with a bit of distance, you can give the killing of 28,000 people a small round of applause. Yes, which it was. 28,000 people are thought to have died on that day during the Wars of the Roses. Quite cruel, isn't it? 1% of the male population. That was a hell of a day.

Yeah. The famous Yorkshire song on Ilkley Moor Bar Tut has been variously covered by Lady Gaga, ACDC, Kate Bush and MC Hammer. A popular cure for whooping cough in 19th century Yorkshire was to drink a soup containing nine frogs. John. Do you know, at the point of buzzing, I'm either going to go for that

or Kate Bush covering it on Ilkley Moorbar Town. The further I get from it, it seems I can hear it now. It's actually Come on, let's hear it. I've produced it in my head. I want to hear it, John. Go on. No, you don't. It's not good. Here we go, and now we want to be...

Now do MC Hammer. Which one? Are you going for the Kate Bush cover? In a long-term life sense? Yeah, I'm going for that But in the game, I'm gonna go for the frogs thing the frogs whooping cough thing. Yeah, that is the truer of the two things Thank you Arthur And at the end of that round you've managed to smuggle two truths past the rest of the panel Which are that Thomas Wedders of Yorkshire possessed the longest nose on record,

measuring 7½ inches. I mean, if you think that, it's really long, isn't it? That's, like, about that long, isn't it? I mean, imagine having a nose that long. Yeah, just for those who can't see at home, he's saying about that long. And as a result, he was exhibited in circus sideshows throughout Yorkshire in the 1770s.

And the second truth is that Felbeck Waterfall in Yorkshire is twice the height of Niagara Falls. But actually, the thing about Niagara Falls, it's not how high it is, it's very wide and spectacular, isn't it? Yeah. So I imagine it looks a lot more impressive than Felbe more impressive than... Why would you go to bloody Niagara Falls when you've got sod in Yorkshire? I really like Yorkshire. They've always been very friendly to me.

I've had some good nights out in Yorkshire. I think they're lovely. You've really insulted the people of Lancashire there. I really like Lancashire as well. I don't understand these things. You can't like both, Susan. Pick a team. Do you know, it sounds right, but we're not taught. OK, we'll sort out Yorkshire and Lancashire,

and then it's Israel-Palestine. OK. Did they have a disagreement? They did have a disagreement, and at one point in 1461, 28,000 people were killed in the disagreement. It's just we're not really taught about... It was about flowers, basically.

It was about flowers? Yeah. We really like red ones and they really like white ones. Right. And we weren't half... Are you from one of those places? Yes. Yes.

I am a Lancastrian. Right. From Lancashire. Oh, right. And a place in Lancashire would be... Lancaster. Right. From Lancashire. Oh, right. And a place in Lancashire would be... Lancaster. We don't muck about. I genuinely can't tell the difference between...

I'm sorry. Imagine flicking from Coronation Street to Emmerdale. That's probably the easiest way. They sound the same. How can you flick between and they're on the same channel? You just have to wait for one to end and the next one to end. Anyway, that means, Arthur, you've scored two points. Next up is John Richardson.

John, your subject is soft or fizzy drinks, non-alcoholic beverages, typically carbonated, sweetened and flavoured, which are sold in bottles or cans. Off you go, Jon. Canny manufacturers have launched a number of fizzy products, such as fizzy paint, fizzy whisky, and most controversially of all, flat tango, marketed under the ridiculous name Orange Juice. Fizzy milk was described by its inventors as like a birthday party for a polar bear.

The product had to be pulled as the polar bear on the label constantly attacked the seal on the bottle, causing the gas to escape. David. I wouldn't be surprised if someone at some point had tried to manufacture fizzy milk. Well, you're right not to be surprised, because they have. And it was Coca-Cola who began trialling a carbonated milk drink

called Vio in New York in 2009. I want some. Well, they said it would expand distribution if the trial was successful. I think we can infer from our newsagent's shelves how it went. Since the birth of Jim Carrey, drinks have been kept fizzy by the use of a ring pull, which existed as a wrestling move years before it was used on cans.

Before that, people opened cans with their teeth, leading to a quarter of a million trips to hospital each year with broken teeth and bleeding gums. Teeth and gums are now destroyed just as effectively and much more quickly by the world-famous Coca-Cola-Cola. Though world famous, it is not the most popular drink in a number of countries, such as China, where drinks containing the limbs of endangered animals are preferred. One such drink in which a tiger's left leg is put into the mix before being taken out again is known as Hokey Cokey.

Other rivals to the world-famous brand include an Argentinian coffee-flavoured drink called Moca Cola, the Peruvian favourite, Inca Cola, and the Vatican's own brand, Popa Cola. Susan. Inca Cola, I believe, is true. I think there is something called Inca Cola, because I have a vague memory of my sister going away somewhere and she came back with Inca Cola merchandise. Now, she could have just gone to Lancaster...

LAUGHTER But I think she went to Peru. That's completely right, Susan. Inca cola is true. She's good, Susan. And it does come, as you say, from Peru rather than Lancaster land. Yeah. I really want some of that fizzy milk they make.

If anyone's listening from Coca-Cola, please send me the last bottle remaining. The last bottle. I imagine that's delicious. The 2009 batch of fizzy milk. I reckon that will no longer be a drink but an award-winning cheese. Coke's main rival is a drink invented by Max Drinkelstein in 1928. He is now more popularly known as Pepsi Max.

Due to the fierce rivalry between the companies, Coca-Cola employees are banned from drinking Pepsi in or out of work and one member of staff was fired for marrying a Pepsi employee. Arthur. I think maybe they are banned from drinking it at work, maybe. There's no rule against them drinking Pepsi at work, although a man from Atlanta once alleged he was fired for drinking Pepsi in the Coca-Cola bottling plant where he worked.

Susan. Can I go for another thing that he said there about the marriage thing? No. That someone was... No. I don't want to intervene here, David, but... Don't let John sledge you. No, I can't.

No, no. Typical Lancastrian bully. I think that someone was fired for the the marriage thingamabob who do you know what's it they said you're absolutely right In 1985 Amanda M Blake of Northampton, Massachusetts Claims she was told by her employer coca Coca-Cola that she would either have to end her engagement with her partner who'd left Coke to work for Pepsi or convince him to quit. When she defied their ultimatum, she was fired. Sprite is made from actual sprites and vimto is made from vim and toes. Made in Wigan from disused manhole covers, Iron Brew changed its name...

..from the correct spelling due to the inability of Scottish people to properly enunciate. Tense. Which is, of course, how Scottish people say tennis. Which is, of course, how Scottish people say tennis. Whilst the drink does contain delicious, delicious iron, it is not brewed and therefore should be properly known as synthetic orange filth. A name currently trademarked by, insert name,

of faked-hand celebrity here. Thank you, John. And at the end of that round, John, you've managed to smuggle two truths past the rest of the panel, which are that since the birth of Jim Carrey, drinks have been kept fizzy by the use of a ring pull. It's not an effect of his birth, but ring pulls were added to cans in 1962

and Carrey was born in January of that year. Oh, that is pure filth. That is really stretching it. John, I've been a supporter of you. The entire show we've bonded, you've invited me back to your home in Lancanna. I wouldn't mind if you didn't come from a country that had a county called Lanarkshire. I mean, you can do this if you want to.

Lanarkshire. Just swap the cut round with the A. No, but Lanarkshire. I can't do it. No, I can't do it. It's just, I don't know. Maybe you should come up to Lanarkshire after that last bit about iron brewing. We'll just have a wee see.

Well, speaking of which, the second truth is that iron brew is not in fact brewed, although it does contain iron. That means, John, you've scored two points. There's a fizzy drink in Greece called Zit. The bottle it's sold in doesn't actually have a top. You just give it a big squeeze and out it pops. Next up is Susan Calman. Susan presents an all-new quiz show on Scottish TV called The Lie,

where contestants have to separate the true statements from lies. Where do they get their ideas from? Susan, your subject is skin, the thin layer of tissue which forms the natural outer covering of a human or animal. Off you go, Susan. We shed around a billion skin cells a day. I know all these ridiculous numbers.

I bet we do shed a billion a day. No. Well, how many do we shed? Just under a million. Well, that's nearly six million. It's like loads, anyway. Yeah, it is loads. It's definitely million and billion both come under the category loads.

But there are different sorts of loads. How many have you shed whilst you've been doing this programme? Well, I must say I've lost count. shed whilst you've been doing this program? Well, I must say, I've lost count. But I think, I would say tens of thousands during this recording. The Metropolitan Police have set up an elite

squad recruited exclusively from Troublesome Creek, Kentucky, where many residents have blue skin. This makes for a saving on uniforms as the squad will be deployed completely nude. The butt-naked Bobby on the beat will be allowed to wear a belt so he has somewhere to keep his truncheon in Addition flashlights are no longer considered necessary since there are perfectly good fungal infections that make skin glow in the dark I'll let David speak for me on this one.

I beat you by a couple of skin cells on the end of a finger. Yeah, ooh. I bet this is true, though. You think this is true? Well, it doesn't mean anything, because I didn't buzz it, but I'm going to... Which bit is true? The going luminous... Fungal infections that make skin glow in the dark.

Yeah. Yes, that is true. Well done, John. LAUGHTER Yes, that is true. Well done, John. In fact, doctors are able to diagnose fungal infections of the skin, such as ringworm, by examining a sufferer with UV light. In Belgium, the homeless are being provided with shelters made from human skin because in a lab, a postage-stamp-sized slice of circumstance... A postage-stamp slice of circumcised foreskin

takes just 21 days to grow big enough to cover nine basketball courts. This has led to a huge increase in the number of all-weather basketball clubs amongst the Jewish community. Arthur. I don't really believe any of it's true. I just want to get Susan or you, David, to try and say that phrase. There's just so many S's in it. Have another go, Susan.

A postage stamp-sized slice of circumcised foreskin. It can't be done. A postage stamp-sized slice of circumcised foreskin takes just 21 days to grow big enough to cover nine basketball courts. And it was a timely buzz, Arthur, because that is true.

You say it, David. Yes, it's true. A postage stamp-sized slice of circumcised foreskin takes just 21 days to grow big enough to cover nine basketball courts. What interests me about this is, though, people say that a lot of people don't like using fur and leather and that sort of thing, but this would be a way of growing a hide

that would involve the death of no-one at all. So we could just have... Start a business, David! Well, no, in the past, you know, things made out of human skin have had a bad reputation, and deservedly so. But it could be that in the future a nice tanned foreskin hide will be the perfect way to set up a chic living room would you would you if you made a coat out of that would you put a hood on it or would you consider that this the act of speedy

lovemaking is called Schecter after the Belgian Formula One driver, because the speed at which erotic sensations travel from the skin to the brain has been clocked at 120 miles an hour. John, the sex thing and the speed of it. I'm not saying this is a specialist subject, but I'm just...

120 miles an hour? 120 miles an hour speed of erotic sensations, that is true. And it's true, in fact, of all skin sensations. They travel to the brain at speeds, according to various reports, ranging between 120 and 180 miles an hour. I wonder if they make banana fizzy milk. We must not end up like Belgium. We must use the strength of our skin,

apparently strong enough to suspend the weight of two Jeremy Clarksons for an hour above a lake full of crocodiles. And we must fortify ourselves with the nutrition from the 700,000 skin flakes we inhale each day to stay strong. The skin revolution is here. David. Now, I'm going to do something that's never been attempted on this show before. I'm going to go for what in billiards would be called a cannon, but what I will call guessing two things there. Oh, right. You're going for a double buzz. I'm

going for a double buzz. Okay. Actually, you did one before, so that's a triple. Can you withdraw one? OK. So... Actually, you did one before, so that's a triple. Can you withdraw one? I'm going to say Clarkson is a 15-stone man. I'm going to say skin can support 30 stone. And then I'm also going to say that we inhale this amount of skin flakes. 700,000 skin flakes.

So I'm going to double up, I'm going to put it all on those two. The thing about Jeremy Clarkson being suspended by his skin, that is not true. Shame. The thing about us all inhaling 700,000 skin flakes a day, that is true. Therefore, you lose a point, you gain a point. It's as if nothing happened,

except we're all a bit closer to death. And that's the end of Susan's lecture. At the end of that round, Susan, you've managed to smuggle one truth past the rest of the panel, which is that in Troublesome Creek, Kentucky, a number of the town's inhabitants are sixth-generation descendants

of French orphan Martin Fugate. Fugate had a rare recessive gene which resulted in dark blue skin. When one of Fugate's descendants was born in 1975 with skin the color of a bruised plum, he was rushed to the University of Kentucky Medical Center for a blood transfusion until it was pointed out by one of the baby's relatives that the baby's great-grandmother, Luna Fugate, was, quote, blue all over and, quote, the bluest woman I ever saw. And that means, Susan, you've scored one point.

Next up is David O'Doherty. Your subject, David, is pirates, persons who attack and rob ships at sea without the authorisation of any nation. Off you go, David. In all human history, it's doubtful that a group has been as wildly misremembered over time as the pirates. Even the word pirates is a misspelling of Pilates,

the system they invented, along with many other mind and body improvement techniques we have today, several of them introduced by the notorious privateer Alexander Technique. Holistic pirate captains presided over incredibly calm ships. Crews were democratic, with all pirates voting on major decisions. Maybe they were democratic, some of these pirates. It wasn't just like the captain was the boss. Maybe it was the beginning of democracy in pirate ships.

I'm talking rubbish, aren't I? No, no, I'm not. You're completely right. Oh! Pirate ships in the 17th and 18th centuries were, in general, democratic. All pirates aboard voted on major decisions, and the captain was elected and could be impeached. All booty was distributed among

the crew, with the captain getting a larger portion and the rest shared evenly. Ooh, pirates are socialists. Was Karl Marx a pirate? Well, he had a beard, didn't he? Karl Marx. Most pirate ships planted palm trees on remote desert islands

in an attempt to offset their carbon emissions. Card games were popular, but gambling for money was usually not allowed on board pirate ships. Arthur. I think probably card games were popular. Certainly when I was a pirate, we used to play Snap all the time. Well, that's not true. Well, how do you know?

Have you ever been on a pirate ship? I'll tell you how I, that's not true. Well, how do you know? Well, I'll tell you how I know that's not true, is because what is true is that gambling for money was usually not allowed. I was actually going to say that gambling for money wasn't allowed. Oh, come on. I was genuinely going to say that. Can I just say now as well, I was going to say all the ones

at the end. This is broken down. Mitchell, assume control. No, this is completely broken down, and I'd like to blame myself, but I don't have it in me, so I'm going to latch out. OK, fine. No, I had to, Susan. I was in an impossible position.

The only way I could justify that what Arthur said was nonsense was by revealing the truth. How can I know that you were going to buzz in, but, frankly, I don't trust you enough to just give you the point. Nicholas Parsons never loses control like this. He does. I can't give you the point there, Susan, but you have my heartfelt apologies.

I accept those apologies and I thank you for making that. That's OK, David. Thank you very much. I only buzzed because I thought, you, I want to just to join in with everybody It's it's terrible why can't people in the northern half Just get a little bit Scottish Lancast, Yorkshireman. Come on, guys. Pirates were health and safety obsessed. The most common pirate phrases being, Arr, have ye filled out a risk assessment form?

And, Arr, make sure you bend your knees before lifting that there treasure. Pirate Henry Morgan's ship had a generous workers' compensation plan with a career-ending injury worth 600 pieces of gold, over £100,000 in today's money. Arthur. Maybe there was something like that.

They made a lot of money and there was a pirate called Henry Morgan, wasn't there? It's sort of smacks of being true. The reason for that smack is because of truth. You have slapped the arse of truth. On the issue of treasure, pirates couldn't stand the stuff and there is only one recorded incidence of treasure being buried by a pirate. Arthur.

I think it's conceivable it may only be one actual recorded example of a pirate burying treasure. He's getting all this right! I think you might of a pirate burying treasure. He's getting all these rights! I think you might be a pirate. Yes, you're absolutely right. The only pirate known to have buried treasure was the Scottish pirate Captain Kidd, who buried some captured loot on the tip of Long Island

as he sailed into New York. He'd hoped to use it as a bargaining chip in order to avoid punishment, but was unsuccessful and subsequently hanged. Pirates drank rum because they claimed it stayed fresh longer than casks of water. Now, I'm sorry to be technical here, but pirates drank rum is clearly true. Well, in fact, though, what was being asserted in that sentence was the reason... That is a sentence. Pirates drank rum. No, but it wasn't yes it is it didn't

even put it it's a finite clause is there anyone here prepared to say that is a finite clause a sentence david stand up to this you're losing it again go on stop telling me to stand up to people david it doesn't help me stand up to people you've got to let me find it within myself now arthur i would be the last person to disagree with the fact that pirates drank rum is a sentence. Nevertheless, it is not the sentence that David spoke. The sentence he spoke is pirates drank

rum because they claimed it stayed fresh longer than casks of water, which, incidentally, is also true so you get the point anyway. Oh! Thank you, David. At the end of that round, David, I'm afraid to say you've smuggled no truths past Susan, John and Pirate Arthur.

So that means, I'm afraid, David, you've scored no points. Ha! Which brings us to the final scores in fourth place with minus two points, it's David O'Doherty In third place with two points it's Arthur Smith In joint first place with six points each, it's this week's winners, John Richardson and Susan Kalman. That's about it for this week. Goodbye. The Unbelievable Truth is devised by John Naismith and Graham Garden

and featured David Mitchell in the chair, with panellists Arthur Smith, Susan Kalman, John Richardson and David O'Doherty. Thank you.