The Unbelievable Truth - 15x06 IKEA, Marriage, Switzerland, Chewing gum

Episode Date: February 12, 2022

15x06 28 September 2015 Holly Walsh, Katherine Ryan, Victoria Coren Mitchell, Sarah Millican IKEA, Marriage, Switzerland, Chewing gum

We present The Unbelievable Truth, the panel game built on truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. on truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. Hello and welcome to The Unbelievable Truth, the panel show about incredible truth and fairly credible lies. I'm David Mitchell. As for this week's guests, well, I always hesitate to use superlatives, but of all the shows we've done, this panel is undeniably the most recent. Please welcome Sarah Millican, Catherine Ryan, Holly Walsh and Victoria Corrin-Mitchell. The rules were as follows. Each panelist will present a short lecture that should be entirely false, save for five pieces of true

information which they should attempt to smuggle past their opponents, cunningly concealed amongst the lies. Points are scored by truths that go unnoticed, while other panellists can win points if they spot a truth or lose points if they mistake a lie for a truth. First up is Holly Walsh. Holly, your subject is IKEA, a Swedish multinational company founded by Ingvar Kamprad, known for its affordable flat-pack furniture,

iconic blue and yellow branding, and meatballs. Off you go, Holly. Fingers on buzzers, the rest of you. IKEA, which is Swedish for I swear to God, if you mention those tea lights one more time, I will walk out of this store and I will divorce you. Now, can we get the bloody bedside table that we came for and go and get some meatballs? All began in 1945 in the small agricultural town of

Allen Quay. But what of the store's founder, Ingvar Kamprad? Well, like all the best major global corporations, IKEA was born out of personal heartbreak. Two days before his 16th birthday, Ingvar had

been tragically orphaned when a large oak tree fell on his family car, killing both his parents. Crawling from the wreckage, Ingvar vowed to take revenge on all trees on behalf of his dead parents via the medium of flat-packed furniture and thick paper catalogues. Catherine? I think the founder of IKEA's parents died when he was 16. Oh, no, that's not true.

No, they were still alive when the company was founded. OK. The Billy bookcase, IKEA's second most popular product, was named after Ingvar's dead father. Bookcase. Sarah? Bookcase. Sarah. I think that it might be the second most popular thing that Ikea sell. No, it is the most popular Ikea product

and one is sold every ten seconds. What? Victoria. Can I ask a question about the rules? Yes. If the founder of Ikea is called Ingvar Kamprad, does that count as a truth? No.

OK. No. Because he said it in the intro. Because I said it in the intro. I'll never listen when you're talking. Holly. This is just like a really weird dinner party. You guys are having an argument and we're just trying to have a laugh.

You know, that's what we do round hours. We play parlour games and provide no food. Unable to grow close to another person after the loss of his parents, Ingvar resented anyone else being in love and deliberately built his Ikea stores like a maze, thus creating the perfect conditions for a relationship meltdown.

Some bigger branches even have their own Bermuda triangles. It's a little known fact that Lord Lucan is still somewhere lost in the Wembley branch. Similarly, Shergar recently turned up in a portion of meatballs. Ingvar's bitter life lessons didn't end there. He instructed assembly line workers

to regularly leave out key components from IKEA flat packs so as to teach his customers that life isn't fair. In 2012, IKEA flat packs were cited in 25 divorce papers and two motives for murder. Sarah? I think the divorce papers might be true. It's not true, no. When we go to IKEA

we have an argument in the car park on the way in just to get it out the way. A keen fan of the Nazis, Ingvar instilled many of their ideals in his company's ethos. To this day, most IKEA items look the same, staff wear natty uniforms, and they're gradually taking over the whole of Europe. Apparently, they're even plans to annex Poundland.

The IKEA invasion is so successful that nowadays three out of five children in Britain are conceived in an IKEA bed. I just wish my parents hadn't done it in the showroom. Victoria. Are three out of five children conceived in an IKEA bed? No, one out of five children apparently are. Catherine.

I think Annex Poundland deserved a bigger laugh. In fact, IKEA are so obsessed with people having sex in their beds in the hope of creating an IKEA youth that some of the product names translate as the Adult Fun Time Bunk, the Excellent Intercourse Bed and the Bagsy Not the Wet Patch Hammock. Victoria? bed and the bagsy not the wet patch hammock. Victoria.

Does one of the names mean the adult fun time bunk? No. No it doesn't. Any more? Victoria. Well it's not the third one, so is it the second one? The excellent intercourse bed. Oh, no, it can't be.

No, that is true. Oh! IKEA issued an apology after accidentally naming a children's bunk bed... ..Gutwick, which sounded identical to the German expression meaning excellent intercourse. Gutwik. I think excellent intercourse isn't a straight translation of that.

I'd be far too scared to say that IKEA is definitely a cult because they'll kill me in my sleep. But put it this way, there are twice the number of IKEA catalogues and Bibles printed every year, and I once saw them nail a shoplifter to a flat-pack crucifix as punishment. Sarah?

Are there twice as many as Bibles? There are. Wow. Yes, well done. Yes, in 2013, IKEA printed 208 million copies of its catalogue, more than there were printed editions of the Bible. Some people are so brainwashed that they've named their children after IKEA and its products,

including the blues singer Nutstop Jackson, France's Snombull Halliday, and IKEA Daglis from Norwich. In short, IKEA is where we'd all be living if Hitler had won. And that's the end of Holly's lecture. And at the end of that round, Holly, you've managed to smuggle three truths past the rest of the panel, which are that Ikea stores are deliberately built like a maze.

According to Professor Alan Penn, an expert in store design, Ikea's maze-like layout is part of a deliberate strategy to keep their customers inside the store for as long as possible. Penn also claims IKEA stores promote impulse buying on an item, saying, the layout is so confusing, you know you won't be able to go back and get the item later, so you pop it in your trolley as you go past. The second truth is that IKEA's founder, Ingvar Kamprad, was a keen fan of the Nazis.

He was exposed as a Nazi sympathiser and a member of the Swedish neo-Nazi movement during the 40s and 50s. And the third truth is that there is someone called Ikea Daglas from Norwich. In 2002, Linda Daglas of Norwich named her fourth daughter Ikea, said Linda. I was pregnant, sitting on the sofa with my boyfriend and trying to think of a name for the little girl I was going to have

when I noticed the Ikea advert and thought it would make a nice name for my baby. I've never been to the shop, but I'm now planning to go there with my mum. In the 19th century, there were even more unusual names for children, including Friendless, Leicester Railway, One Too Many, and That's It, Who Would Have Thought It. And that means, Holly, that you've scored three points. An American couple got married in their local Ikea,

and appropriately enough, after just a couple of years, their marriage fell apart. Next up is Catherine Ryan. Catherine, your subject is marriage. The formally recognised union of two people as partners in a relationship. Off you go, Catherine. Marriage is great. LAUGHTER

It didn't. It's pretty bad. It's a bit Victorian. Yeah, Sarah's recently married and didn't buzz there. It's interesting. It absolutely is great. If you rule against, there is going to be trouble. Yeah, Sarah's recently married and didn't buzz there. It's interesting. It absolutely is great. If you rule against, there is going to be trouble. I can tell you there is absolutely no chance of my doing that. So, yes, absolutely, you get a point.

Heterosexual marriage was introduced by the Spartans. A totally not gay custom in ancient Sparta was for a bride to have her head shaved before the pair consummated the marriage with the bride wearing men's clothes and sandals. Holly. I can believe something crazy like that happened in those days. Yes, that's true. Yeah. Ancient Sparta was a nation

based on institutionalized homosexuality for the male ruling class, comprising older and younger homosexual partners in a militaristic army camp environment. In an attempt to outlaw gay union, Texas accidentally banned all forms of marriage in 2005. In Finland, people must be able to swim in order to get married.

In Florida, a special law prohibits unmarried women from parachuting on Sundays. And in England, it was the law that Princess Diana had to call Prince Charles sir until they were formally engaged. Holly. Oh, that sounds like us. That is like us. Yes. Oh, my God. That is like us.

Yes. Oh, my God. Yes, Andrew Morton revealed this in Diana, Her True Story, In Her Own Words. In the chapter entitled Just Call Me Sir, Morton writes, it was not until Lady Diana Spencer was formally engaged to His Royal Highness, the Prince of Wales, that she was given permission to call him Charles. It's weird, isn't it? Because otherwise their marriage seems so normal. Charles. It's weird, isn't it? Because otherwise their marriage seems so normal.

In Turkey, a great wedding gift would be a box of Ferrero Rocher. In South Korea, a can of Spam. And in the Kalahari Desert, an ironing board. Victoria. Oh, it's one of them. Drawn in by the list.

I mean, let's think through this rationally. A box of Ferrero Rocher is a great gift under any circumstances. As is spam. And they go so well together. I'm going to go with the spam. You're right to go with the spam, yeah. Oh, good. Yes.

South Korea is the biggest consumer of spam outside the US and the only country in the world that sells spam in boxed gift sets. It's considered a luxury item there and a prime gift for weddings and the Lunar Thanksgiving holiday. If you've got spam, the slogan on the can proclaims, you've got it all. An estimated 10% of all marriages end in ambivalence, and two end in... And 2% end in an ambulance.

Throughout the world, thousands of women, wise to the cruel hearts and fickle natures of men, have preferred instead to betroth themselves to inanimate objects, such as Mrs Brooklyn Bridge, the woman who fell for New York's Brooklyn Bridge, and Mrs Nelson's Column, the woman fatally attracted to Nelson's Column. Sarah.

People are weird. I think the Brooklyn Bridge thing might be true. It's not. No, that's not true. And Mrs The Eiffel Tower, the woman who married The Eiffel Tower. Holly. Nelson's Column. Mrs Nelson's Column.

That's no more true than Mrs Brooklyn Bridge, I'm afraid. Sarah. Eiffel Tower. Yep, there you go. Yes, there is a Mrs The Eiffel Tower. Erica Latourifel, 37, first encountered The Eiffel Tower in 2004 and felt an immediate attraction.

In 2008, she pledged to love, honour and obey The Eiffel Tower in a ceremony attended by a number of friends. Erica is the founder of an organisation for those who develop significant relationships with inanimate objects and was the subject of a Channel 5 documentary entitled The Woman Who Married the Eiffel Tower. When you say and friends, were those just like 11 cranes? Laugh to triumph, Kim. It was great. We had a lovely time.

And Ladder was the Kim. It was great. We had a lovely time. A ladder was the witness. It was great. A ladder. I like that you think the Eiffel Tower is just a glorified ladder. It sort of is, isn't it? I mean, you walk up to the top of it and then you go back down it. That's exactly what a ladder is. So you can't get anything, can you?

Well, you could if you lent the Eiffel Tower against something. Thank you, Catherine. And at the end of that round, Catherine, you've managed to smuggle one truth past the rest of the panel, which is that in an attempt to outlaw gay union, Texas accidentally banned all forms

of marriage in 2005. And that means, Catherine, you've scored one point. In 2006, after a Sudanese man was caught in a compromising position with his neighbour's goat, he was forced to marry it. Apparently,

he was at the end of his tether. It was a lovely ceremony, finishing up with the bride eating the bouquet. Next up is Victoria Corrin Mitchell, one of Britain's best regarded columnists, wits, a talented broadcaster, presenter and writer. But enough about me, here's my wife. here's my wife. Victoria is a professional poker player with several tournament wins to her name. Her winnings are so large

that she can afford to appear on Radio 4 panel games and so can her husband. Victoria, your subject is Switzerland, a mountainous federal republic in central Europe best known for its financial institutions, its cheese and chocolate manufacturers, and its policy of neutrality during both world wars. Off you go, Victoria.

As the great ex-mayor of Basel, Lance Nora, once said, since both Switzerland's national products, snow and chocolate, melt, the cuckoo clock was invented solely in order to give tourists something solid to remember it by. Actually, Lance Nora failed in his bid to become mayor of Basel because no unmarried man has ever been mayor of a Swiss city. And anyway, the cuckoo clock is German. Holly. No unmarried man has ever been the mayor of Basel. It's not true. No. You reminded us about the poker thing. She's just pokering us. Yeah, that's true. That is the technical term.

It's a huge advantage. At the end of the game, you go, I've been pokered. Yeah, you do the same at the end of craps. Speaking of Henning Vane... He is one of many glittering celebrities to have been discovered earlier this year in possession of a secret Swiss bank account. Other names published by The Times

in relation to this depressing tale of Alpine money hoarding include... You may want pens. Peter Bowles, Godfrey Bloom, Sting, Kate Moss, Keira Knightley, Adam Clayton, Vivienne Westwood, Bernard Cribbins, Roger Moore, Nick Rose from Duran Duran and the late Larry Hagman. Catherine. Vivienne Westwood.

No. Sarah. Larry Hagman. No. Sarah. One of the other ones. Would you like to specify? Peter Bowles. No Pit of balls. No.

Sting. Pit moss. Pyrrhonately. I just feel like I'm reading the whole thing now. It's like a gambling addiction now. I'm not going to take a point off you for every name you mention there. Okay, I'll stop. At this point I should reveal none of them. He made a list and there was no truth in the list.

You're a cow. You've been poked. Yeah, I've been poked. I've been poked. I'm not saying Switzerland is evil, but Robert Mugabe said he would never go there. Idi Amin refused to have pictures of Switzerland on display and Colonel Gaddafi called for the whole country to be abolished. Catherine.

Gaddafi wouldn't like Switzerland. He didn't like Switzerland. Well done. APPLAUSE When we play like this, when it's Victoria's 10, that it's three of us against one. I'm really pleased that Catherine got a point. It's like being at school again. You're bringing it on yourself, love.

And you are sleeping with the teacher. Yeah. Yes, it's true that in 2000... I feel my authority's been undermined. In 2009, Gaddafi submitted a draft UN resolution calling for Switzerland to be abolished and divided up between Germany, France and Italy. The kindly Swiss legal system is, like Toblerone, the envy of the world. It will not allow its residents to be rude to the elderly,

hunt snails or overfeed fish. And a 37-year-old man from Zurich was once jailed for repeating his cat's meow in a sarcastic tone of voice. The Swiss are determined not to let the purity of their national characteristics be diluted. Citizenship requests have been rejected from applicants who are allergic to fondue, dislike cowbells, insult the Red Cross,

are found to have stolen Edelweiss or own fewer than 12 watches. Oh, Catherine. I feel that they would take great offence to one insulting the Red Cross. No. No, that's not true. I know how Victoria likes her lists and doesn't put any truths in them. So I think it's all rubbish. I'm not getting pokered again. truths in them. So I think it's all rubbish. I'm not getting pokered again.

The round holes in Emmental are known by Swiss cheesemakers as Ascherkuffen, which is German slang for invisible testicles. For reasons of delicacy, they may also be known as moon craters, nostrils, divots, eyes, pads, pucks, or Sherlock Holmes' tiny mysterious

feet. Catherine. Moon holes. No. Nostrils. No. Eyes. Correct.

Yay! Yes, the holes in Swiss cheese are known as eyes. Thank you, Victoria. At the end of that round, Victoria, you've managed to smuggle three truths past the rest of the panel, which are that the cuckoo clock is German. Cuckoo clocks originated from the Black Forest in Germany.

Sources credit Franz Kettler from the village of Treiberg with creating the first one 280 years ago in 1730. The second truth is that the Swiss legal system will not allow its residents to hunt snails. Snail hunting is illegal in parts of Switzerland. Over the border in France you can only gather snails for personal use between April and June. For personal use sounds a bit. The third truth is that a Swiss citizenship request was rejected from an applicant who disliked cowbells in 1983 Reuters reported a Czechoslovakian man named Vick Stupka was refused Swiss citizenship because his dislike of cowbells was taken to the sign that he'd not assimilated successfully

despite having lived in the country for 14 years and that means you've scored three points. The Swiss invented absinthe, laudanum, LSD, diazepam and milk chocolate. That is one hell of an Easter egg. The anti-PowerPoint party is a political party in Switzerland which wants to reduce the use of PowerPoint in professional presentations. It's not got many supporters, though, as they've yet to find an effective way of getting the idea across. Next up

is Sarah Millican. The Guardian recently described Sarah as an iron fist in a marigold glove, or what Max Mosley would call a good night out. Your subject, Sarah, is chewing gum, a soft, cohesive substance sold as confectionery that's usually flavoured with mint and intended for chewing.

Off you go, Sarah. Tobacco-flavoured chewing gum came to prominence in the wake of Star Wars when it was sold as Chewbacca. Really? The patent for Viagra chewing gum was secured by Wrigley's in the year 2000 and, as far as I know, still stands. In a bid to tackle the questionable breath of man's best friend, a Japanese company is launching a chewing gum for dogs.

Catherine. I believe the Japanese would have a chewing gum for their dogs. No, they don't. But chewing gum contains a sugar alcohol called xylitol and three grams can kill a 65-pound dog. Whoa. What sort of size is that? A 65-pound dog?

Really big. I assume that was the cost. In Iceland, it is illegal to chew gum in a church. In the US state of Alabama, it's illegal for women to chew gum unless in the company of men. In Somalia, it's illegal to carry old chewing gum stuck on the tip of your nose. Holly. I mean, we're back to the old list, aren't we?

As they say on Radio 3. Yeah, yeah. I've mentioned a composer. I'm going to go with the craziest one of them all, the chewing gum on the end of your nose. You're right to go for that one. Yeah. Though, yes, that's the case in Somalia,

though it's a pretty lawless place at the moment, so it's safe to assume the ruling is often ignored. Use 27 mussels chewing gum, 18 of which are in your face. You burn 11 calories an hour chewing gum. In comparison, for a 15-minute session of sex, men burn 120 calories and women burn 7. Victoria. Don't worry, it's an earlier one.

Do you use 27 muscles to chew gum? No, you don't. You use 11 or 12. So it's actually more beneficial for women to chew gum than to have sex. And in calories too. The powder on sticks of chewing gum was originally cocaine,

but is now either icing sugar, sand or in some cases, finely ground marble. The tooth fairy, chewing gum's natural predator, was modelled on J.M. Barrie's Peter Pan character Tinkerbell. Victoria. I'm going to give that a try. No, it's not working.

No. No? No. I mean just that buzz, not in general. I'm very happy. That would be a hell of a way to break up, wouldn't it? Imagine if you had to buzz in for a divorce. I'm leaving you.

I mean, that's a Channel 5 format right there. But no, it's not. The Tooth Fairy is not based on Tinkerbell. Chewing gum can make your palms sweaty, your heart beat faster and can make you feel claustrophobic, causing some people to believe they are in love. In 2014, 23 couples got engaged under the influence of Wrigley's Extra.

Jewelers said they hadn't seen the like of it since the juicy fruit boom of 81. Thank you, Sarah. At the end of that round, Sarah, you've managed to smuggle four truths past the rest of that round, Sarah, you've managed to smuggle four truths past the rest of the panel. Which are that the patent for Viagra chewing gum was secured by Wrigley's in the year 2000. In the patent application, Wrigley states

that a man would need to chew the gum for two minutes, about half an hour prior to intercourse. The second truth is that you burn 11 calories an hour chewing gum the third truth is the powder on some sticks of chewing gum is finely ground marble some chewing gum manufacturers coat their gum with calcium carbonate powder whose source rocks include marble and the fourth truth is that chewing gum can make your heart beat faster. A study of 224 students found that students who were given gum to chew before a test showed an improved performance by warming up the brain. They termed the observed phenomenon mastication-induced arousal.

I assume they knew what they were doing there. And that means, Sarah, that you've scored four points. I assume they knew what they were doing there. And that means, Sarah, that you've scored four points. Which brings us to the final scores. In fourth place, with minus seven points, we have Holly Walsh. Why am I so bad at this? In third place, with minus five points, it's Catherine Ryan.

And in joint first place, with minus one point each, it's this week's winners, Victoria Corrin-Mitchell and Sarah Millican. That's about it for this week. Goodbye. The Unbelievable Truth is provided by John Naismith and Graham Garden

and featured David Mitchell in the chair with panellists Sarah Millican, Catherine Ryan, Holly Walsh and Victoria Corrin-Mitchell. The chairman's script was written by Dan Gaster and Colin Swash and the producer was John Naismith.

It was a random production for BBC Radio 4.