The Unbelievable Truth - 16x01 Milk, Tattoos, Supermarkets, Vladimir Putin

Episode Date: February 18, 2022

16x01 4 April 2016 Jon Richardson, Henning Wehn, Susan Calman, Jack Dee Milk, Tattoos, Supermarkets, Vladimir Putin

We present The Unbelievable Truth, the panel game built on truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. Hello. on truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. Hello and welcome to The Unbelievable Truth, the panel show about incredible truths and barely credible lies. And you'll be pleased to know that this week's panel, following strict BBC guidelines, have all successfully passed a drugs test. Yes, they recognised every single one. Please welcome Henning Vein, Susan Calman, they recognized every single one. Please welcome Henning Vane, Susan Kalman, John Richardson and Jack D. The rules are as follows. Each

panelist will present a short lecture that should be entirely false, save for five pieces of hidden information which their opponents should try to identify. Points are scored by truths that go unnoticed, while other panellists can win points if they spot a truth, or lose points if they mistake a lie for a truth. First up is John Richardson. John is a regular on the television show 8 Out of 10 Cats, and the successful spin-off 8 Out of 10 Cats Does Countdown, though so far he's never appeared on 8 Out of 10 Cats Doesn't Do Countdown, or as it's more often known, countdown. John, your subject is milk, a fluid secreted by female mammals for the nourishment of their young. Off you go, John,

fingers on buzzers, the rest of you. Milk, milk, lemonade. Around the corner, the corner. Chocolates made. This immortal phrase was made famous by none other than David Attenborough. Attenborough has hated milk since discovering at four months old that it is neither a food nor a beverage, instead being classified

as a supplement. Susan. I think David Attenborough hates milk. I can see it on his face every time he comes on my television. I think he's a milk hater. No, he doesn't hate milk, as far as we know. Henning? But is it neither a food nor a drink? I think it's both, really.

Two points. Try and keep score in your head, John. You sound just like my wife. head john you sound just like my wife little did he know at the time but years later whilst filming in the amazon jungle a young david would become the first person ever to drink yak's milk which he mistook for his beloved strawberry daiquiri due to its distinctive pink color jack i'm imagining that he might have been the first person to have drunk yak's milk. No. No, he's not. I said lying. I was only imagining it.

All right. Susan? I think yak's milk is pink. It is pink. Yes. Yeah. Yes, the... Slightly unpleasantly actually,

the milk first produced by a yak after she'd had a calf is a distinctive pink colour due to the presence of blood. It is definitely a buzz-worthily true fact to say that a pint of supermarket milk can contain milk from over 1,000 cows. Susan. I believe that that is a fact, that your milk can have a cocktail of many other

milks in it, not just the one milk. It is a fact, yes. The UK's largest dairy farm has 2,000 cows, while China is currently building a dairy farm with 100,000 cows. And they can't even have dairy. But, I mean, they must be able to, at least

in part. No, since they're already aged. 100,000 cows? Yeah. Since they're already aged. Yeah. No, it does, honestly. Despite 100% of Chinese people being lactose intolerant, it is the world's leading importer of milk, which is drunk at every meal

in a bizarre form of self-harm. Henning. Are they the biggest importers of milk? You were saying earlier that they can't drink milk. They can't. No, but then... They go berserk. No, but they stoop on the heavy. It sends them over the edge. They still... Yeah, they shouldn't. They stoop on the heavy. You know what they're like.

So they still buy it. And then they store it and hope the prices go up. So that is... It's the most bizarre racism I've ever heard. It's the fact that populations who don't consume dairy find populations that do consume dairy quite smelly. It's the same with curries. Have we, um... It's the same with calories. I think Henning is just referring to the electrical retailer. As we all know, absolutely reeks of cheese.

which, as we all know, absolutely reeks of cheese. Nevertheless, it is true that China is the world's leading importer of milk. And that is despite the fact that not 100%, as John said, but around 90% of the Chinese population is thought to be lactose intolerant. Self-farming is the name given to a process by which new mothers drink their own milk. The process is not without danger, as the human breast produces different milks for boys or girls, which means that a woman drinking milk meant for a boy may develop testicles.

Milk can also help reduce symptoms of PMT by half, though no male scientist has ever mentioned this for fear of being shouted at. Thank you. Oh, yes, Henning? I don't know, that is just a guess. Does the human body produce different sorts of milk? Sorry, different flavours? Yes, strawberry or chocolate. different flavors yes strawberry or chocolate by that gasping reaction from everyone take that didn't say that what what were you referring to well i saw them probably the human body could tell what gender uh the baby will be the tapes will show that you withdrew that

uh henning you're absolutely right the human breast produces different kinds of milk for girls or boys. Researchers found that milk produced by humans and other mammals changes depending on the infant's gender. Researchers at Michigan State University found that among 72 mothers in rural Kenya, women with sons generally gave richer milk, whereas milk produced by poor women favoured daughters with the creamier milk,

as daughters were more likely to produce young if they survived to adulthood. So well done, Henning. ac roedd yna'n cael ei gynhyrchu gan ddwy bobl bach, a'r daith yn fawr â'r daith mwy mwy mwy mwy. Roedd yna'n cael ei gynhyrchu gan ddwy bobl mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy mwy m the working title for the programme. And that's the end of John's lecture. And at the end of that round, John, you've managed to smuggle one truth past the rest of the panel, which is that milk can help reduce symptoms of PMT by half, which

means, John, that you've scored one point. We turn now to Henning Vane. Henning is from Germany, but I don't want to do a lot of tired old jokes about German and British stereotypes, because that's his job. Henning, your subject... Your subject, Henning, is tattoos, indelible markings on the skin made by puncturing it and inserting pigments. I know all there is to know about tattoos.

Seeing as I've got loads of them. Mostly hyper-realistic illustrations of skin and moles. And my life motto, Westphalia, is not an option. Tattoos were invented by Jesus. Who on his knuckles had mum, dad and other dad. Now, other things that have tattoos include sharks in South East Asia and piranhas in South America.

Susan. What's a piranha? Piranha. That's how they pronounce piranha in Westphalia. Right. By the way, Susan, do you believe that they tattoo them? Just for my paperwork. Yeah, yeah.

No, they don't. Oh, darn it. You lose a point. Henny. Now, let's make it a bit more believable. Most zoos tattoo their zebras when they begin to fade with age. Any bias? Any bias?

And the macaques.....monkeys... ..on the Rock of Gibraltar are also tattooed. So police know which ones are most likely to be nicking stuff from cars. Susan. Yep, tattoo monkeys. You're right, the macaques on the Rock of Gibraltar are tattooed. They're each tattooed with a number as well as being microchipped so they can be identified and monitored. That's all well and good, but unfortunately,

Henning's fact was about macaques. I've dropped macaques down a drain. We do allow Westphalian pronunciation. In Roman times, runaway slaves would be tattooed with the letters F-U-G for fugitive on their foreheads, although can't tell you why they use the English word for fugitive. Susan. Yep, runaway slaves tattooed with fog.

You're right, yeah. Once upon a time in Japan, it was the fashion for girls to have a moustache tattooed above their upper lip. This was so they didn't have to wave off unsavoury businessmen trying to buy their used underpants. Before this, they had tried having my underpants are not for sale

tattooed on their foreheads, but many of them came to deeply regret this in later life when they wanted to sell their underpants. Susan. OK. So I'm going to say that Japanese schoolgirls got a moustache tattooed, whether or not for businessmen,

but there was a fashion... I'm going to put you out of your misery and say that what you're trying to remember was true. Yes, it was the fashion in Japan for girls to have a moustache tattooed above their upper lip. Amongst the Aboriginal people of Japan, known as the Ainu people, the moustache tattoo symbolised that a woman was ready for marriage. Even Winston Churchill had a tattoo of an anchor, a spitfire and a view of Blenheim Palace in the snow.

John? I think he had a tattoo of anenheim Palace in the snow. John? I think he had a tattoo of an anchor. You're right, he did. He had an anchor on his arm and his mother, Lady Randolph Churchill, had a tattoo of a snake on her wrist. Quite chavvy. Henning.

Sadly, the decision to have a tattoo is irreversible once you've committed to it, much like membership of the Eurozone. One person who is almost certainly consumed by self-loathing is simply Ritz Mick Hacknell. And not just because of his music. Hacknell has the European Union flag

tattooed on his arm. He might be required to remove his arm by law in the event of a Brexit. Susan. I think Mick Hacknell's got a European Union tattoo in his arm. He has. Well done. That's the end of Henning's lecture.

And at the end of that round, Henning, I'm afraid to say that you've managed to smuggle no truths past the rest of the panel. Because I'm an honest character and not ashamed about it. And that means you've scored no points. Oliver Reed once had an eagle tattooed on his penis, which must have come as a shock to him when he sobered up, which luckily he never did.

Next up is Susan Calman. Like Scotland itself, Susan is strong, proud and independent. Sorry, not independent. Susan is strong, proud and ruled by Tories in Westminster. That's it. Susan, your subject is supermarkets. Large self-service shops offering a wide variety of food and household products, typically organised into aisles.

I got married in a supermarket. We chose our local Lidl for the occasion. We were particularly pleased that the guests could buy the gifts on our wedding list on the day of the wedding and present them to us in person. Where else in the world could you buy men's business shoes,

trumpets, a pipe installation kit alongside a bouncy castle and a petting zoo? Of course, the day was not without trauma. My mother got trapped in the household goods aisle, statistically the area of a supermarket in which the most accidents occur. Henny.

Well, that was the first bit of the lecture that at least potentially could be true. What bit? The mother getting trapped? Where the most accidents happen. No, that is not true. Most supermarket accidents are slips and we can't find any evidence as to a specific aisle in which most accidents occur.

I'd say it would be the dairy aisle. Don't you think? Don't set him off again. Yeah, I thought... We had the hen night at Tesco. I have such fond memories of that place. I've been known to meet a date there, and I'm not alone. Hugh Grant and Elizabeth Hurley

used to spend Saturday nights in their local branch recreating the Common People video. Apparently, Liz likes to choose her own avocados and won't get them delivered in case they're bruised. John? I think, for a bit of a laugh, they probably went to Tesco's on Saturday nights. And do you think they also recreated the Common People video, or is that where invention...

No, I don't think so. I thought that was a joke designed to obscure the fact that... The truth. Unfortunately, it was a joke just to adorn the lie. Yep. John, do you reckon there was anything in there where he said avocado, or he said... The avocado is not true.

They're discussing things, though. It's not loose women. Having a bit of a slightly off mic bit of... Do you want to say the avocado thing is true, Henning? No, I don't feel it. I'll say it's true. I'll say the avocado thing is true. She doesn't like to buy them online.

It's very true. They do very often turn up bruised. As far as we know, that is not true. Especially you're not allowed to touch them anyway. There's always all sorts of palaver. You're not allowed to touch what? The avocado. Well, if you squeeze them, then all hell breaks loose.

I don't think that's avocados. I suppose it depends how long you spend in a supermarket squeezing avocados, Henry. If you're in there for an hour going... Then I think someone might step in. And then by the end you go, well, they're all rubbish now. And all just avocado pulp here. That's the guacamole aisle you're in. Where all the veg has been

groped into a dip. Susan. Yes. Personally, I got engaged in the frozen food aisle. My better half wore a £14 tuxedo she'd bought ten minutes before and presented me with an engagement ring in nine carat gold which retails in Tesco's for £15. The women we'd invited from the bingo hall were foul in every way.

Apparently, scientists have proven that women choose their root vegetables by imagining how they want their husband to be. If you know what I mean. And male shoppers buy melons most similar in size to the way they want their women's breasts to be. No wonder your local supermarket

is the place where most STDs are transmitted. But something has to be said. Oh, Ed! Yes, so did I say to melons. You're absolutely right. Yeah! Yes.

According to the same research conducted by Tesco, most female shoppers preferred smaller melons, linking this with the modern obsession with small-breasted models. To be fair, the food at the reception was amazing. We had Tesco's new Pizzaroni, which is pizza stuffed with macaroni cheese. Only 1,000 calories. That is true. A Pizzaroni is one with thei cheese, only 1,000 calories. That is true.

A pizzaroni is one with the rim, isn't it, stuffed with cheese? No, it isn't. No. Is it not? I think what you're referring to there is called a stuffed crust. This isn't about supermarkets at all. It's about Susan's life. Whenever I do this show, I enjoy the process of writing an alternative life for myself. When I'm sitting

in my flat in my pants with the 17 cats and no friends, I like to think of what my life might have been. I've got a completely different approach. I tend to write about the subject in hand. Well, right there is why the EU will never work. Then we had disco-themed rice from Argentina,

which they call Diana Arroz, finished off with a two-pound... ..finished off with the two-pound Tesco lasagna sandwich, which is light as a feather at 565 calories. Yum! Sadly, we weren't allowed to party the night away which is light as a feather at 565 calories. Yum! Sadly, we weren't allowed to party the night away as supermarkets in Scotland are prohibited by law from playing rock music

as a result of pressure from the free church. We retired to the car park and started a conga line to beat the world record that was set in Sainsbury's car park in Whitstable in 2013. We did it. We'd won. It was the most romantic day of my life. Oh. Late buzz there from Henning.

Now, one last throw off the dice. Is it forbidden to play rock music in a supermarket in Scotland? It is not. No. But never hear Highway to Hell when you go in there. John? Rwy'n credu bod y llinell congolion yn debyg yn wir. Nid, nid yw hynny'n wir. Nid, y llinell congolion mwyaf, fel y gallwn ni ei ddweud, oedd y congol Super Miami,

sy'n cynnwys 119,986 o bobl, a dyma 3.4 mylion. Ac dyna'r diwedd o leitio Susan. people and this was 3.4 miles long. And that's the end of Susan's lecture. And at the end of that round, Susan, you've managed to smuggle four truths past the rest of the panel. Which are that Lidl

shoppers, or Lidlers as they're known, have been, I don't think they are, but okay, have been able to buy goods as diverse as men's business shoes, trumpets, and a pipe installation kit. The second truth is that Tesco sell a nine carat engagement ring for 15 pounds. The third truth is that you can buy disco themed rice in Argentina, which they call Diana Arroz. Arroz means rice in Spanish.

It's less of a sort of smuggling of fats and more of a quiz of what's available in every supermarket. And along that theme, the fourth truth is that... It is the two pound... The two pound lasagna sandwich, which contained 565 calories. Tesco claimed this was a world first.

LAUGHTER And even presented it as a healthy option, despite it having the same fat content as two McDonald's cheeseburgers. And that means, Susan, controversially, you've scored four points. The UK's cheapest engagement ring is sold by Tesco, made of cubic zirconium in nine-carat gold for £15. It comes pre-engraved with the words,

I give it six months. Next up is Jack D. Your subject, Jack, is Vladimir Putin, a former KGB intelligence officer and current president of Russia. Twinkly-eyed chatterbox Vladimir is renowned for his informal tea parties where he welcomes friends and foes alike. Many a guest has left the Putin tea table positively glowing with polonium. Together with Volnyakov and Gabor, he was part of the task force formed to tackle crime, drugs and attempts to revive the Russian monarchy.

They were known as Crime Tsar Putin, Drug Tsar Volnyakov and Tsar Zagubor. Once... That was good, wasn't it? Yeah, I enjoyed it. Moscow Zoo even has a cute little antelope named after him, Vlad the Impala. Vladimir sold the family business in 1998. They produced and exported to the USA a range of cat litter trays

known as pussy Putins. As the pun doesn't work in his native language in Russia, you can only buy Putin canned vegetable and mushroom products. John? I think maybe the previous Putin family business was canned vegetables and something else. It was not, but that's not what Jack said.

He said in Russia you can buy Putin canned vegetable and mushroom products, and you can indeed, but it has nothing to do with the Putin family. But you do get the point, so don't worry. I'm not... Mr Putin thoroughly enjoyed his university days and keeps up some of those student habits even now,

rising for breakfast each day at the crack of noon. To amuse his many gay friends, Vladimir produces... Vladimir produces... LAUGHTER Vladimir produces an annual topless calendar in which he pays homage to the village people. Henning. Now, either that's a satire or that calendar exists.

I think it does exist. He has certainly released many topless photographs of himself, but he hasn't done a calendar of them, I'm afraid. Missing opportunity there, isn't it? Yeah, the village people. That's his kind of music, second only to the Beatles, whose tracks he has often played on his radio DJ programme. While scuba diving in the Black Sea,

the Russian leader discovered a collection of priceless 6th century BC ancient Greek vases. It was an exciting find and something to cross off his wish list, which still includes fly to Mars, trap a Yeti and bump off in a toilet. John? I believe Putin may have

said that he was diving and he found some Greek vases. It is certainly true that it was said of him and it's definitely not true that it happened. Are you calling him a liar? He thought he discovered a collection of priceless sixth century bch and Greek vases although it was an old car tire well it was later revealed that they were discovered earlier by archaeologists and placed there for him to find what like an like an Easter egg? Yes, basically. Let's have some fun things for the mad president to discover.

Susan. There's something about the wish list which is true. Does he want to bump off in a toilet? Yes, all right. It's true. The expression bump off in a toilet was one of a list of things Putin assured journalists would happen

to Chechen terrorists, as in people who aren't liked by him and his regime will be killed in a lavatory. When Vladimir put on his boxing gloves, he won seven rounds on points, including four knockdowns against the Swedish champion Pedersen. The fight had to be stopped when they discovered Pedersen wasn't actually a boxing champion

and, in any case, had to get to her older brother's 10th birthday party. Putin has expressed his gratitude for the training tips he received from his good buddy, Steven Seagal. Susan. Steven Seagal hasn't had a hit movie since Under Siege, the classic, and it's now with the realms of possibility that Steven Seagal has taught Putin how to fight.

That is true. Well done. Or if not taught him how to fight, because I suspect the KGB did that, given him martial arts tips. And that's the end of Jack's lecture. And at the end of that round, Jack, you've managed to smuggle two truths

past the rest of the panel, which are that Putin gets up to eat breakfast at noon. According to writer Ben Judah, who spent three years interviewing those closest to the president, Putin always sleeps late and has his first meal at midday. Hitler was not an early riser either, it says here. And neither was Churchill, actually. The second truth is that Putin is a big fan of the Beatles.

As a teenager, Putin played the band's music on his high school's radio station. And that means, Jack, you've scored two points. school's radio station. And that means, Jack, you've scored two points. Putin is a huge fan of the Beatles and honoured Paul McCartney by inviting him to play in Red Square after a personally guided tour of the Kremlin. And in a touching tribute to John Lennon, he regularly has people shot. Which brings us to the final scores. In fourth place, with minus four points, we have Jack D. In third place, with minus two points, it's Henning Vein.

In second place, with zero points, it's John Richardson. And in first place with an unassailable six points, it's this week's winner, Susan Calman. That's about it for this week. Goodbye. The Unbelievable Truth was devised by John Naismith and Graham Darden and featured David Mitchell in the chair with panellists Jack Dee, John Richardson, Susan Calman and Henning Vane. The chairman's script was written by Dan Gaster and Colin Swash

and the producer was John Naismith. It was a random production for BBC Radio 4.