The Unbelievable Truth - 16x02 Kitchens, Pigeons, Breakfast cereal, The Vatican

Episode Date: February 18, 2022

16x02 11 April 2016 Joe Lycett, Sam Simmons, Aisling Bea, Richard Osman Kitchens, Pigeons, Breakfast cereal, The Vatican

We present The Unbelievable Truth, the panel game built on truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. Hello and welcome to The Unbelievable Truth. Built on truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. Hello and welcome to The Unbelievable Truth, the panel show about incredible truths and barely credible lies. I'm David Mitchell. But first, a thank you to the retired couple who wrote in to say, your show alone is worth the cost of the licence fee to this pair of elderly pensioners, i.e. nothing.

Please welcome Joe Lysett, Aisling Bea, Sam Simmons and Richard Osman. The rules are as follows. Each panellist will present a short lecture that should be entirely false, save for five hidden truths which their opponents should try to identify. Points are scored by truths that go unnoticed, while other panellists can win points if they spot a truth or lose points if they mistake a lie for a truth. First up is Joe Lycett.

Joe was the on-screen announcer on the BBC One Saturday night entertainment show Epic Win, which showcased members of the public and their bizarre talents. Speaking to the press about the quirky primetime format, Joe said, I really hope it comes off. And sure enough, after one series, it did. Joe, your subject is the kitchen,

described by my encyclopedia as a room or area equipped for storing, preparing and cooking food. Off you go, Joe. Fingers on buzzers, the rest of you. Most British country kitchens of the Middle Ages had sheep living in them during the cold winter nights in order to provide warmth for the human inhabitants. Sure, they might not have had Magnet or Ikea in those days, but you could still wake up to a breakfast bar

and several kitchen stools. Ashley. I feel like that's true. You used to, like, keep a pig in the kitchen or something like that. Is that what they do in Ireland? Yes, very much so. It's not actually true, quite. It's true that homes didn't often have a separate room for the livestock,

but they were kept in a different area from the cooking. Even I didn't know that, that's impressive. They weren't kept in a separate area from the cooking when they were being cooked, to be exact. That's absolutely true, yes. Anyway, no point, but carry on, Joe. In 15th-century British kitchens, to avoid the tedious chore of turning the spit by hand when roasting food,

spit donkeys, or sponkeys, as they were known, would walk in circles turning a wheel which would in turn rotate the spit. Richard? I think sponkeys are definitely true. They're not. No? Now the words, I think sponkeys are definitely true, sounds ridiculous.

Anyway, so you don't get a point. You are pointless, Richard. Carry on. In 16th century kitchens a small dog was placed onto a giant hamster wheel which revolved as the dog ran and so turned the spit To increase the speed of the wheel a burning coal was thrown onto the wheel as well

To stop them smuggling out items of food to feed their own families kitchen assistants in King Henry VIII's household worked naked. And that is why, to this day, a royal banquet will never serve sausages. You know what I always say? A royal banquet. Richard. I'm annoyed because now I think that dog thing was true,

but that was too far ago, so I'll say the naked staff. Oh, come on. The naked staff is true. Yeah, yeah. Yes. It wasn't to stop them smuggling out items of food, but in King Henry VIII's household, the kitchen staff often worked naked.

King Henry's kitchens included six fireplaces and the lowly kitchen boys, whose jobs included turning the spits, would often strip naked to work and were then duly ticked off by officials. Why would you strip a boy to cook you a bisque? That doesn't make sense to me. I don't think the boys were told to strip.

I think they stripped voluntarily. Why? I know this sounds like... This is so typical of you, David. Absolutely textbook Mitchell. You know what? I think he wanted like... Oh, this is so typical of you, David. Absolutely textbook Mitchell. You know what? I think he wanted to take his clothes off. I think that's why. The boys in King Henry VIII's kitchen,

I've said it before and I'll say it again, stripped voluntarily because of the heat in the kitchen. I imagine this is the sort of banter they had during the 70s and everyone thought was OK. of banter they had during the 70s and everyone thought was okay. In the 1970s and 80s, game shows gifted many of our most beloved celebrities some of the most advanced kitchen gadgets of the age. Amanda Holden won a Kenwood chef and a set of Tupperware bowls on the Generation game.

Simon Cowell won £20 worth of kitchen utensils on Sale of the Century. And Dale Winton took home a hostess trolley after correctly guessing its value on the price is right. Richard. Simon Cowell sale of the century. Every day of the week. You're absolutely right. I want to know

such conviction like you know every Simon Cowell appearance on everything. Are you a big Simon Cowell fan? I have seen a clip of that. So you just knew? Yeah. That's cheating. That's all right, that's not, that's okay.

It's cheating to know. That's completely cheating. But yes, the cooking implements included two spatulas, a masher and a strainer. Which is a band on X Factor, I believe. Very many housewives have gone to extreme lengths to ensure their husbands pull their weight in the kitchen. Susan Jeffries of Taunton attached a pair of manacles to her kitchen sink

and would lock her husband into them until he'd finished the washing up. And Brenda Eccles of Manchester had her husband's ashes put into a giant glass egg timer so that, even in death, he could still lend a hand when breakfast was being made. Sam? Yeah, definitely, you'd put your ashes into an egg timer, and then when the eggs are ready, you'd go, Dad's home.

Yes, that's absolutely true. After the death of her husband, Malcolm, Brenda Eccles arranged for glass blowers and joiners to incorporate his remains into a foot-high egg timer. Yes. Said Mrs Eccles, I can't boil a soft egg to save my life. He knew that and said I should turn some of his ashes into an egg timer so he could help me.

I mean, she couldn't boil a soft egg to save his life either. In 1989, celebrity cook Delia Smith, accompanied by the Cranberries, produced a cover of You'll Always Find Me in the Kitchen at Parties, which reached number 76 in the UK charts.

Ashley. I remember that song. I think this is the truth. You will always find me in the kitchen at parties. Well, it may be the song exists. Oh, with Delia. No, it's not true. She didn't do any such single.

Delia later released an Acid House version of the song... LAUGHTER ..under the name Psychedelia Smith. After his wife severed his penis with a kitchen knife in 1993, John Wayne Bobbitt formed a band called Severed Parts. A couple from Birmingham achieved notoriety when they called their first three children Kitchen, Bathroom and Garage,

each one named after the place where the baby was conceived. Richard? Can I just say, because you went on very, very quickly after Severed Parts, that I suspect that might be true. Well, you're absolutely right. Wow. It's brilliant.

It's brilliant. Joe, I thought you'd got away with it. I thought I'd got away with it. I was so nervous doing it as well. It's really, really... Joe, I thought you'd got away with it. I thought I'd got away with it. I was so nervous doing it as well. It's true that John Wayne Bobbitt formed a band called Severed Parts after his wife had severed his penis with a kitchen knife. After the incident, a radio show paid for Mr Bobbitt to undergo penis enlargement surgery. With renewed confidence following the surgery,

Mr Bobbitt went on to form Severed Parts, moved to Las Vegas and starred in a number of o ffilmiau sex oedol, gan gynnwys un o'i enw Frankenpenis. Gwnaeth hynny'n stori hynod o'r gofnod. Dyma fy llyfrau ar gyfer y cyfnod. Diolch, Joe. A, ar y diwedd hwnnw, Joe, rydych chi wedi llwyddo un gwirionedd to smuggle one truth past the rest of the panel,

which is the one about the turn-spit dog that Richard actually thought was true because it seemed more plausible than the sponky. Yes, the turn-spit dog was viewed as a utensil rather than a pet and considered an essential part of every large kitchen in Britain in the 16th century. And to train the dog to run faster a Glowing coal was thrown into the wheel then that means Joe that you scored one point We turn now to Sam Simmons Sam was recently described in The Guardian as an in-your-face Australian or as I'd call it an Australian your face Australian, or as I'd call it, an Australian. Hey, stop it. Sam, your subject is the pigeon. Excellent. A stout grey bird commonly found in towns and cities, which is sometimes kept

for racing, showing, or carrying messages. Pigeons are kind of like birds. The reason people don't eat as many pigeons as chickens is because chickens eat a whole lot of dead pigeons. Coincidentally, the recipe for Kentucky Fried was in fact pigeon. Originally it was known as KFP. And the colonel was a massive racist who stole the recipe off one of his slaves. He was a turncoat who fought in both sides of the American Civil War, so he was executed twice.

Richard. Well, firstly, can I just say I enjoyed that thoroughly. Thanks. Richard. Well, firstly, can I just say I enjoyed that thoroughly. Thanks. Thanks. I think that Colonel Sanders was a racist who fought on both sides of the Civil War. Yeah, that's not true. He was born in 1890,

which is 25 years after the Civil War finished. I think he was a racist, though, who stole his recipe from one of the slaves. Well, slavery was abolished soon after the civil war so i didn't say what type of slave his sex slave david stole the recipe from a woman well he did not steal the recipe as far as we know from his sex slave i don't know whether or not he was a racist, although I expect the lawyers of Kentucky Fried Chicken would be keen to imply that he wasn't.

Pigeons are like the drug addicts of the sky. I once saw a pigeon eating vomit. I said to the pigeon, hey, stop eating the vomit, and he was all like, oh, oh, give us a chip, man. Oh, come on, give us a chip. Yes? Joe? I think that's true.

I think... It's very likely you spoke to a pigeon. I don't know if that's true. That's certainly not one of the truths about pigeons that Sam was given to smuggle into his lecture. If that is a true encounter and you wish to admit that it was, Sam, then I can give Joe a point. No points at all.

I just want to do the pigeon noise again, though, because I felt like I didn't sell it enough. It was a... Give us a chip. I like the pigeon noise a lot. You've got that nice sort of flapping in the throat there. Yes, thank you. Nice.

That's the uvula. It's like the male vulva. you. That's the uvula. It's like the male vulva. Richard. It was the uvula. Pigeon poos are very effective polish for gold and silver, and during the 18th century, King George I decreed all pigeon droppings to be the property of the crown. Nobody objected.

Joe. That sounds feasible. The pigeon poo is a good polish. Quite like Jif, isn't it? Yeah. No, it is not. Pigeons produce milk to feed their young, and it's very delicious.

The most difficult thing is to locate the nipple, so thank goodness there's a pigeon breast milk pump. Richard. We've got to get one at some point, surely. So maybe pigeons do produce milk. They do produce milk. Oh, no. Yes, that's correct.

Both male and female pigeons begin to produce milk just before their chicks hatch. It's produced in their digestive system and regurgitated at mealtimes. Before he was famous, Orlando Bloom was a clay pigeon trapper. His nickname was Trapper John. And it was his job to throw clay pigeons into the air and yell, bird attack!

Joe? I think that's true. Orlando Bloom was a clay pigeon trapper. Trapper, yes. Yes, that is absolutely true. Yes! Yes. His first job, aged 13, was as a clay pigeon trapper

at his local clay pigeon shooting range. In medieval times, the cure for meningitis was to split a pigeon in half and lay the two parts cut upside down on top of the patient's head. It was also a medieval Christmas tradition to sing Christmas carols whilst wearing a cat helmet and a scarf made of owls

whilst warming your hands by the open pug. Thank you, Sam. And at the end of that round, Sam, you've managed to smuggle three truths past the rest of the panel. And the first truth is that King George I in the 18th century decreed that all pigeon droppings were the property of the crown. King George put guards at sites where birds often congregated. Pigeon manure was an important ingredient in quality gunpowder.

The second truth is that there's a pigeon breast milk pump. But then pigeon is a Singapore-based manufacturer of baby products, including breast milk. It's a Pidgin brand breast milk. That's cheating. It's clever play, some might say. Unfair play, others. I don't know. But it is allowed.

And the third truth is that in medieval times, the cure for meningitis, and I think cure is in inverted commas here, was to split a Pid pigeon in half and lay the two parts cut side down on top of the patient's head, though it apparently had limited success. This might actually be due to the fact that you can catch meningitis from pigeons, as well as a large number of other diseases. And that means, Sam, that you've scored three points. Sam, you've scored three points. During the Second World War,

several medals for animal bravery were awarded to carrier pigeons, all of whom died quite painful deaths as the medals were pinned onto them. Next up is Aisling B. Aisling, your subject is breakfast cereal, a food typically made from roasted grain and eaten with milk. Cereal comes from the Dutch cha-reel. Cha meaning can't be arsed,

and reel meaning to cook my child an egg. Almost all of our breakfast cereals are made from grass. Sam. Most cereals are made from grasses. Oats, wheat, they're grasses, aren't they? Yes. You're absolutely right. Well done. Good work, Simmons.

Good work. All bran is only 87% bran. The other 13% is made up of no exercise, hope, and a smidgen of stew-loosening tree bark. Kellogg is an English name from the Middle Ages meaning killer of hogs because cereal is known as the natural enemy to another breakfast staple, pork. Joe.

I feel like the kill hog thing has something in it. You're right, Kellogg is an English name from the Middle Ages meaning killer of hogs. Well done. It was the name given to medieval butchers. They were known as Kelloggs. Cornflakes were originally devised as therapy for mental patients as a way of curbing

their sex drive. Richard. I think that is true. That is true. Oh! Wow. We're barely going the morning continuing. Yes, John Harvey Kellogg was a lifelong celibate and never consummated his marriage,

keeping a separate bedroom for his wife and adopting his children to avoid engaging in the sexual act. He believed that meat and rich foods increased sexual desire while plainer foods could purify the body and mind. Thus, he developed his hugely popular cornflake cereal, primarily as a means of preventing masturbation. Wow. In fact, up until 1986,

cornflakes were the number one choice of contraception by the Catholic Church, after plastic bags and sitting alone looking at a magnolia wall. In Mexico, Rice Krispies go... In Germany, Rice Krispies go... In Russia, they go... In France, they go... In Sweden, the Rice Krispies go...

And in Ireland, they go... Sorry, come on now, lads, let's clean this up. Sorry. Right. Now, there is some admin to be done now, isn't there? I'm going to go out on a limb and say that one of those is true. I'm going to go for the German one. You think the German one is true?

Yeah. You're right. Yes. Yes, the others are not true, but in Germany, Rice Krispies go knisper, knasper, knusper. Also, in Belgium, they go piff, paff, poff. And in Canada, they go crick, crack, crock. And that means you get a point, Richard,

and that's the end of Aisling's lecture. At the end of that lecture, Aisling, you've managed to smuggle one truth past to the rest of the panel, which is that all bran is 87% bran. Oh, good. The ingredients list on a packet of Kellogg's All Bran states wheat bran, 87%. And anyway, that means, Aisling, you've scored one point.

Hooray! Hooray! A serving suggestion on a packet of sun-made raisins was, why not try tossing over your favourite breakfast cereal? Not the sort of childish innuendo to show to a house guest who's appeared at the breakfast table, especially if they've just come in their pyjamas. Ashton Kutcher once worked in a Cheerios factory,

and to this day it remains some of his best work. Next up is Richard Osman. Your subject, Richard, is the Vatican, the headquarters of the Pope in Rome and the administrative centre of the Roman Catholic Church. Off you go, Richard. The Vatican City is named after the 8th century cardinal Steve Vatican. And among many achievements, it hosted a heat of Miss World in 1972. Joe.

Sorry, I do think Steve Vatican's probably right. I feel like he said it at the start to get it out of the way. Steve Vatican. St. Stephen Vatican? The 8th century cardinal. Do you think many people in the 8th century Cardinal Do you think many people in the 8th century were called Steve? Probably loads of people, Stephen's a really old name Steve, Cardinals

Possibly Stephen, Stephen Vatican And his mate Barry Roan No, I'm afraid it's called the Vatican City because it's built on the Vatican Hill, which was called that a long time before the 8th century, but it may have been because of an ancient Roman king called Steve Vatican. I think he's a slippery one, that Osman,

and I'm going to catch him out. Can I say the Miss Universe was true, though? Would you like to buzz for that? Miss Universe was true, though? Would you like to buzz for that? Miss Universe was true. There was a hot Miss World in the 90s. I don't think Miss World or Miss Universe were held in the Vatican. Yeah, pretty sure. If they were discussing that, saying,

OK, we've had this application from Miss World, Your Holiness, from Miss World to hold Miss World 1972 in the Vatican. So what's the upside? Well, a bit of publicity, draw some tourists. Yes, OK, that's all in the plus column. Are there any downsides? Well, is it the kind of thing we want to be seen to be doing? Would this make Steve Vatican proud?

Yeah, exactly. We're much more secret cabals and paedophilia cover-ups. You know, it's not... We're not so much bikini contests. You know, you've got to stick to your brand. Well, technically, they always host Mr Universe, because that is God. Is it...

Thanks, guys. One for the believers out there. An annual Mr Universe competition, and every year, God wins. And the winner is... Is it God again? Do we have to go to the charade every year? Has to go to God. Second place, Frank Bruno. First place, well, God, yes. He always pretends it's a surprise.

Oh, I can't believe it again. I can't believe it. I was practising my losing face as well. The Vatican is a notoriously forward-thinking place. It recently announced that you can reduce the time you spend in purgatory by following the Pope on Twitter. Despite having more followers than Kim Kardashian, Katy Perry and Lady Gaga, the Pope only follows

125 accounts. He's got more followers than Lady Gaga. But not as many as Jesus. At this point, Jesus only has 12. I should say I don't have any information on that. Can we look that up now? No, I looked it up beforehand. He has fewer than

Lady Gaga. But that's just you saying that. I've had confirmation from the van. It's not true. I thought you said confirmation from the Vatican then. No, just from the van. Named after 8th century cardinal Steve Van.

Yes, no, he has fewer followers than all of those people, so that's not true either. Richard, carry on. Among the many advances introduced to the Vatican City by popes over the years, John XXIII opened a bowling alley and a karaoke lounge. Innocent XIX installed a condom machine in the gents. And Gregory XVII had a robot butler called Zippy.

Some advice if you decide you would like to live in the Vatican City. It is illegal to wear baseball caps. You cannot own a dog that is bigger than the pope's dog. And if the pope has no dog, you are not allowed a dog at all. Baseball caps. You're not allowed to wear a baseball cap because it blocks God. No, you are allowed to wear baseball caps because apparently it doesn't block God.

You are allowed to wear baseball caps because apparently it doesn't block God. So mighty is the envisaged, omnipotent being that his goodness can penetrate even a baseball cap. Richard. Other useful information. It is recently decreed that self-service checkouts are heretical and it has cash machines that offer instructions in Latin. Aisling. Cash machines that offer instructions in Latin. Aisling. Cash machines

that offer services in Latin at the Vatican must be true. They must be like Carpe Diem. Do you want to need any advice? Does your cash machine say seize the day? I think it's saying please take your money.

You're absolutely right. They have cash machines and instructions in Latin. The machines display the instructions, INSERITO SCIDULAM QUISO UT FACIUNDUM COGNOSCAS RATIONEM, which loosely translates as, insert your card so that the account may be recognised. Also be aware that the Vatican City has the lowest crime rate in the entire world.

It is twinned with Kettering in Northamptonshire. Sam? Totally true. God's always watching, and you wouldn't want to steal anything just in case, because then the Pope will come and hit you. No, that's not true. In fact, it has the highest crime rate by population

in the world of 1.5 crimes per citizen no really yeah it was basically because tourists just go there and Nick a few souvenirs you know Joe is the twinned with Kettering thing true you you've not been to Kettering no no it's not it's not. It's not. The bowling alley is true, by the way. I'm sorry to have to tell you it is too late to buzz, Sam, but that is true. Damn it.

John XXIII did open a bowling alley. He was elected Pope in 1958 at the age of 76 on the assumption that he wouldn't rock the boat. Instead, he relaxed the church's stringent anti-communist stance, called the nuclear arms race utterly ridiculous, and installed a bowling alley in the Vatican. Pope Lucius I drowned in fruit syrup, while Pope Paul II and Pope Clement VII both died due to melan overdose. The full title of the Pope is Bishop of Rome,

Vicar of Jesus Christ, successor to the Prince of Apostles, Supreme Pontiff of the Universal Church, Primate of Italy, Archbishop and Metropolitan of the Roman Province, Ashley. I feel like that's a truth because I think you would have snuck in something saucy in there if it hadn't been the truth. It is the truth. It is the truth. That is the full title of the Pope.

It used to be even longer until 2006 when Patriarch of the West was removed from his list of titles. That's now Kanye West. And that is, in fact, the end of Richard's lecture. Woo! And at the end of that round, Richard, you've managed to smuggle three truths past the rest of the panel. The first is that it was recently announced

that you can reduce the time you spend in purgatory by following the Pope on Twitter. In July 2013, The Guardian reported how the Vatican was offering time-off purgatory to contrite Catholics who followed Pope Francis' tweets on World Youth Day. That's the first truth. The second was the one we discussed earlier, which is that Pope John XXIII installed a bowling alley.

And the third truth is that Pope Paul II and Pope Clement VII both died due to melan overdose. Pope Paul II's death is described as apoplexy brought on by a surfeit of melons, and Clement VII was said to have eaten the fruit with avidity during his last and fatal illness. And that means, Richard, that you've scored three points. Which brings us to the final scores and in fourth place with minus six points we have joe license

in third place with minus three points it's ashling b in second place with minus one point, it's Sam Simmons. And in first place, with an unassailable one point, it's this week's winner, Richard Osman. That's about it for this week. Goodbye. The Unbelievable Truth was devised by John Naismith and Graham Garden and featured David Mitchell in the chair with panellists Joe Lycett, Sam Simmons, Richard Osman and Aisling Bea.

The chairman's script was written by Dan Gaster and Colin Swash and the producer was John Naismith. It was a random production for BBC Radio 4.