The Unbelievable Truth - 16x04 Jokes, Ghosts, Reality TV, Lego

Episode Date: February 18, 2022

16x04 25 April 2016 Joe Lycett, Sam Simmons, Aisling Bea, Richard Osman Jokes, Ghosts, Reality TV, Lego

We present The Unbelievable Truth, the panel game built on truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. built on truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. Hello and welcome to The Unbelievable Truth, the panel show about incredible truth and barely credible lies. I'm David Mitchell. It was Friedrich Nietzsche who said, there are no facts, only interpretations, which was a pretty good response to the question, whose bra is this? Here are four comedians who may be familiar to you, given half a chance. Please welcome Aisling Bea, Sam Simmons,

Joe Lycett and Richard Osman. The rules are as follows. Each panellist will present a short lecture that should be entirely false, save for five hidden truths which their opponent should try to identify. Points are scored by truths that should be entirely false, save for five hidden truths which their opponents should try to identify. Points are scored by truths that go unnoticed, while other panellists

can win points if they spot a truth, or lose points if they mistake a lie for a truth. First up is Joe Lysett. Joe, your subject is jokes. Things said or done to evoke amusement or laughter. Off you go, Joe. Fingers on buzzers, the rest of you. Jokes.

The earliest jokes that conformed the now standard formula of set-up and punchline emerged in 19th century Germany. Examples of these German jokes include, how many reindeer does it take to change a lightbulb? One. If by reindeer you mean electrician.

And a man goes to the doctor and says, Doctor, Doctor, I think I'm a pair of curtains. The doctor replies, I'm committing you under Section 2 of the Mental Health Act. The first joke shop, which opened in London's Drury Lane in 1847, sold practical jokes such as fart cushions, which were usually made from pigs' bladders,

and itching powder, which was made from highly irritating tarantula hairs to ensure the joke was extra amusing. The yo mama insult joke is widely believed to have been invented by William Shakespeare. Ashley. Shakespeare, yo mama joke. You're absolutely right.

Yes. One example is found in Titus Andronicus when Chiron says thou hast undone our mother to which Aaron replies villain, I have done thy mother. Yeah, go on. What a badass. And then he replied

your mother's Titus Andronicus. Yes, the yo mama joke was widely believed to be invented by William Shakespeare. A classic German Yo Mama joke is, Yo Mama's so ugly that I have serious concerns about her self-esteem. A favourite joke of Queen Victoria's was to don a fur coat and a pair of antlers and declare, we are not a moose. One of King Charles' first favourite jokes

was to place the court midget between two halves of bread and have the court giant pretend to eat him whilst shouting, I'm a leprechaun beef sandwich. Sam? Definitely the little guy in between two loaves of bread and then the court giant would just muck around with him. Yep, you're absolutely right yes um yes the court of charles the first the 18 inch tall court dwarf jeffrey hudson would appear to be eaten by seven foot six inch tall welshman william evans much to the amusement of

the king's friends the constant jokes eventually became too too much for Hudson, and in 1644, he challenged the brother of one William Crofts, the queen's master of horse, to a duel. Crofts arrived at the duel brandishing a water pistol, which was unfortunate, as Hudson had a real gun and shot him fatally in the forehead. Hudson was initially sentenced to death for the killing, but this was commuted to exile. In 18th-century orchestras, the butt of many jokes was the viola player, who was generally considered too rubbish to play the violin. One such joke... Richard.

I think that's true. Oh, yeah, it is. Yeah. Joe Jeopardy. It's absolutely true, yes. Carry on with the rest of the truth. One such joke was, how can you tell if a viola player is playing out of tune?

The answer, the bow is moving. Yes. There are, it turns out, a lot of jokes at the expense of viola players, and they're thought to originate during the 18th century, when the viola part was very uncomplicated and tended to attract musicians who were neither musically nor intellectually gifted.

Even the 19th century composer Hector Berlioz, who wrote an orchestral symphony for the viola, said viola players are always taken from among the refuse of violinists. Other viola jokes include, what's the difference between a viola player and a dog? A dog is able to stop scratching. What's the difference between a viola player and a dog? A dog is able to stop scratching. What's the difference between a viola player and a pizza?

A pizza can feed a family of four. And what's the difference between a viola and a coffin? Coffins have dead people on the inside. You can tell you're on Radio 4 when you're doing viola jokes. I have to say, yeah. I was just going, what is a viola again? It's a fat violin. It's a slightly fatter violin.

Is it viola or viola as well? I don't know that. I didn't even know whether I was going to say viola or viola until I said one of them. I think it's viola. I said viola. Does anyone know which is it? Viola.

Viola. Viola. In which case, because I said Viola, it's not true. Up to 27% of office workers forward jokes, photos, video clips and funny news via office email. Of these, about 1% are actually funny. Is it video or video? Video.

I think that is definitely true. They are the bane of my existence. All of my aunties do them. And it'd just be a cat moving around to music or with a guitar or something. What Jo said was up to 27%. I'm sure it's much higher than 27%, I'm afraid. But you're right, it is a tedious phenomenon.

TV heartthrob Giles Brandreth holds the world record for telling the greatest number of jokes after being politely asked not to. In East Africa, jokes which here would involve an Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are replaced by a Kenyan, a Ugandan and an Irishman. In Albania, it's an Albanian and two other Albanians.

And in parts of Georgia, USA, it's illegal for a chicken to cross the road. Sam? That's true. It is true. Yes. Yes. It was a 1928 city ordinance

in Quitman, Georgia, which states it shall be unlawful for any persons owning or controlling chickens in the city to allow such chickens to run at large upon the street or alleys of the city. According to research, the second funniest joke in the world is this. Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He's not breathing and his eyes are glazed. So his friend calls 999.

My friend is dead! What should I do? The operator replies, calm down, sir, I can help. First, make sure that he's dead. There's a silence, then a loud bang. Back on the phone, the guy says, okay, now what? Richard?

I think that was voted the second best joke of all time. It wasn't. No. It was actually voted the funniest joke of all time, as found out on a website to find that fact. And it was based on a line from Spike Milligan in a 1951 goon show. And that's the end of Joe's lecture. Woo! from Spike Milligan in a 1951 goon show. And that's the end of Joe's lecture.

And at the end of that round, Joe, you've managed to smuggle one truth past the rest of the panel, which is that tarantula hairs were once used in itching powder. Tarantula hairs can be highly irritating to the skin, but can also cause temporary blindness if they get into your eyes and excruciating lung injuries if breathed in. And that means, Joe, you've scored one point. Yay! King Charles I's favourite joke was to place the court dwarf

between two halves of a loaf of bread. The dwarf could never hide his resentment at being treated as a sandwich filling, a job he performed without relish. Next up is Sam Simmons. Sam, your subject is ghosts, apparitions of the dead which are said to haunt particular people or places. Off you go, Sam.

If you're anything like me, you don't really believe in ghosts, which is fair enough because they always appear dressed like extras from Downton Abbey. But occasionally I like to suspend my disbelief and settle down with a good old ghost story. And if you're into ghost stories, I suggest reading one of my favourite books about ghosts, The Haunted Vagina. It's about

some lady's vagina which acts as a gateway into the world of the undead. Joe? I think I've heard of a book called The Haunted Vagina. I feel like I've heard of it somewhere. You're right to have heard of it. Yes, it is an existent book in this realm or world. Trust me to get the one fact about a haunted vagina.

The reviews on Amazon for the book are mixed. Says one reviewer, excellent book and brilliant storyline. I'm not a big fan of reading, but I could not put this down once I'd started. Another comment, as a sufferer of this condition, I could not put this down once I had started. Another comment. As a sufferer of this condition, I find this book disgustingly mocking of my disability. Many details are grossly inaccurate and poorly researched. If you're a fan of bluegrass music and eternal death, then why not book a trip to the infamous Alcatraz prison in San Francisco,

where visitors have been known to chill out to the sounds of Al Capone's spectral banjo. And yes, he does take requests. Richard. I went to Alcatraz and there's certainly, there's a recording of something. Perhaps you can hear Al Capone's spectral banjo in there. That is true that several visitors to Alcatraz have reported hearing spectral banjo music.

There's apparently some unexplained banjo music has been heard. All banjo music's unexplained, really. The film Spooks, starring Patrick Swayze and Whoopi Goldberg, is extra spooky because both Patrick and Whoopi were originally going to be cast in the original Star Wars film. Patrick was going to play Luke and Whoopi was originally going to be cast as Chewbacca or Whoopi Goldberg. Looks like cast as Chewbacca, or Wookie Goldberg.

Looks like it is Crowbar to Joaquin! Spooky! Goldberg. Richard. I think that Swayze and Goldberg were both supposed to be in the original Star Wars film. They were not. Joe.

He said, I've Crowbar to Joaquin, which is absolutely true. I said, I think. You also think that. It's true that you think that. Because you're an intelligent person, you have done that, so you'd think it to be so. All right. No, that is true.

You get a point. Yeah! I don't think it was crowbarred. Look, it's too early to get you overexcited, Joe, but you may be into negative single figures. Music sensation Sting believes in ghosts too. He also claims one visited him in his bedroom, but it was the ghost of a man from Trinidad

who claimed Sting plagiarised the lyrics to do-do-do-da-da-da. Onwards. Alright, cool. Richard. Sting believes in all sorts of crap, so does he believe in ghosts? Yes. Oh, Richard. Sting believes in all sorts of crap, so does he believe in ghosts? Yes. Oh, yes.

Sting believes in ghosts. He says his wife, Trudy Styler, also saw the ghostly figure of a woman holding a child in her arms in the bedroom of the couple's 16th century house. If you're anything like me, you're frightened by one of two things, ghosts and exchanges with strangers in urinals,

which makes this next story extra scary. In 1993, a man sued a country music bar in Kentucky claiming that a ghost had beaten him up in the gentleman's toilet. He wanted the bar to give him $1,000 in damages and to post a beware of vicious ghost sign on the lavatory door. The judge dismissed the case after they discovered he also ate an entire urinal cake during said beating. Joe? I don't think the judge thinks true an entire urinal cake during said beating. Joe?

I don't think the judge thinks true about the urinal cake, but I think the rest of it's true. It is true. Yes, yeah. Yes, in 1993, one J.R. Costigan, a patron at Bobby Mackey's bar, claimed to have been physically assaulted in the men's room by a ghostly figure wearing a cowboy hat. Costigan sued Mackey, claiming that Mackey was negligent

in failing to rid his property of dangerous ghosts and sought $1,000 in damages. The case was thrown out of court after the bar owner's lawyers noted the extreme difficulty in calling the ghost to testify for the defence. Speaking of inedible things, that's from the urinal cake bit before. Anyway, the ghost of the chicken that Sir Francis Bacon famously stuffed

with snow in 1626 whilst trying to prove that frozen meat could be preserved is said to haunt Pond Square in London. The last time I was haunted by a chicken, it was in a vindaloo. Cockadoodle, ooh. Thank you! Richard?

Well, I mean, the Francis Bacon story is true about stuffing the chicken with snow? It is true. Yes, absolutely. Ever since the experiment that was to cost Sir Francis Bacon his life, he died of a chill, there have been numerous reports of a phantom white bird resembling a plucked chicken appearing from nowhere and racing around the square in frenzied circles flapping its

wings anyway that is the end of sam's lecture and at the end of that round sam you've managed to smuggle no truths past the rest of the panel which means you've scored no points. Oh, thank you. Before guests stay at the 1790 Inn in Savannah, Georgia, they must sign a waiver releasing management of all responsibility should anything be stolen by the hotel's resident ghost, Anne. Anne is described as a ghostly pale figure, bearing a striking resemblance to the hotel receptionist. Next up is Aisling B.

Aisling, your subject is reality television, a largely unscripted genre of television focusing on real people in specific situations created by the programme makers, the most famous example being Big Brother. Reality TV was invented by Reginald Burt Kardashian in 1605. He followed his family around the house whilst furiously sketching them into a flicker book, which the whole

town would later gather around to look at. The demand for these flicker books became so high that eventually people were just happy to look at absolutely any type of flicker book, like even just flicker books about an inane group of people sitting around a house all day for a month. And the idea was never thought of again until

1993 when producers of Big Brother unearthed them in the Channel 4 back garden. The producers of Big Brother gave Marcus Bentley the job of narrating the show because they liked the way he said, chickens! Joe? I'd say that's true, because

Marcus Bentley is the voiceover man of Big Brother. That is true, but it is also true that he was given the job because they liked the way he said chickens. Marcus Bentley was told by a Channel 4 commissioner that it was the way he said chickens that landed him the job with Big Brother and made his one of Britain's most recognised voices. On the very first series of Big Brother, they had chickens on there

and they named them after the Spice Girls and Dean, the housemate, said, Well, you know what, it'll make it easier to kill them. The longest-running reality TV show in history is called That News. This programme only ever features one woman in case viewers confuse it with Loose Women. The second-longest-running reality TV show is Candid Camera. Yeah, it's true.

It's definitely... That will be the second longest running reality programme, and I love it. It is the longest running. Damn it! So it's not the second longest. Sorry. It originally began life as a radio show called Candid Microphone

where listeners just heard the sounds of sadness and humiliation but didn't have to look into the poor people's eyes. David Attenborough docs are the Animal Kingdom's reality TV and researchers have found animal porn. His slow, whispery tones are often played into cages to help bored, stressed-out animals get it on. A sex-starved panda couple in China had a television installed in their cage showing

pandas doing the deed. That's true. It is true. Yeah. Yes, yeah, yeah. The good thing about showing them panda porn is they didn't have to pay for a colour telly. Yes, well, it's absolutely true that panda porn is frequently used in Chinese breeding programmes,

and researchers believe it has aided the conception of many panda cubs. Viagra has also been trialled on giant pandas, but with no success. Other sexy ones have included a German reality TV show called Sperm Race, where men donated sperm and then watched as their sperms raced each other to an egg. Richard. That is true. It is true.

Sounded a bit knowing when you said that was true. I think it may have been Endemol Germany, which are valued colleagues of mine. Yes, it was your colleagues, Endemol Germany. It was Boris Brandt, president of Endemol Germany, the production company behind the show, denied claims that sperm race represented a

new low point in dumbed-down TV. Saying we've got a lot of other projects in the pipeline. Saying sperm race is serious. Fertility is a big thing in Germany. The winner of sperm race received the title of Germany's most fertile man

and a bright red Porsche. Hang on a minute, what were the logistics of how this game was played? I'm assuming that a certain amount of filming through a microscope would have been necessary, because I think... Speak for yourself, David. But my favourite show, and the one The Guardian described as LOL, was Channel 4's show Guantanamo Guidebook. The show where seven trembling volunteers were stripped naked,

assaulted, verbally abused, sexually humiliated and exposed to US military interrogation methods. This show was responsible for coining the reality TV clichés I didn't come here to make friends and going home is not an option. Richard. Guantanamo Guidebook, Channel 4, true story. That is a true story.

Yes, yeah, yeah. Despite being slammed by human rights groups as grossly distasteful, The Guardian described the programme as an impeccable exercise in liberal journalism and more serious than many TV news bulletins. And that's the end of Aisling's lecture. And at the end of that round, Aisling, you've managed to smuggle one truth past the rest of the panel,

which is that Candid Camera started life in 1947 as a radio show called Candid Microphone before it moved to TV a year later. And that means you've scored one point. Yay! Susunu Denpa Shonen was a Japanese reality show where contestants had to live alone in an apartment naked with a TV screen that showed their favourite sports team. They only got to eat if their team won.

A Newcastle fan nearly starved to death. Next up is Richard Osman. Richard has presented over 750 episodes of the quiz show Pointless, and if you're as much of a fan as I am, you won't have seen any. Your subject, Richard, is Lego, a children's building toy consisting of colourful interlocking plastic blocks. Off you go, Richard. The name Lego famously comes from the Latin for ow, my foot.

If you have six eight-studded Lego bricks, you can combine them in 915,103,765 ways. This fact was discovered by me and my son when we were attempting to put together the Millennium Falcon one Boxing Day. Aisling? I believe that fact is correct. The 915 million?

915 million, yeah. That is absolutely true. Yes! According to the official LEGO website, with the aid of computers, the exact number of combinations has been calculated as... And then that very large number that Richard said. I should have just changed it by one, shouldn't I?

Hitler was famously a fan of Lego, as was Wolf from Gladiators. Joe? I think Hitler was a fan of Lego. He wasn't. He did try to build a Third Reich, to be fair, but it wasn't out of Lego. There is a dark side, though. A group of experienced sexual Lego builders

recently recreated and filmed a 25-minute-long film of elaborate sexual acts involved... True. It's totally true. They did an elaborate, like, a stop-motion porn. Lego porn. I'm all over this stuff. I knew it. This is real, isn't it? It's real. They did a elaborate stop motion porn. Lego porn. I'm all over this stuff, I knew it. This is real, isn't it?

It's real, they did a Lego porn. Porn Lego. Well, what was Richard, what were you going to say? Why don't I get to the end of the sentence and see if that buzz still stands. A group of experienced sexual Lego builders recently recreated and filmed a 25-minute long film of elaborate sexual acts involving the Spice Girls

and Chewbacca the Wookiee, which has been viewed over 7 million times on YouTube. Sam. It's completely true. That has happened. That has not happened. But obviously people have put Lego figures

in sexual positions on YouTube. Also the single biggest expense in the Lego universe video game was hiring a team of moderators to make sure no-one had built any Lego penises. Their lack of genitalia may explain the fact that the faces of Lego minifigures have got noticeably angrier over the years. Aisling?

Someone's there to check nobody does anything saucy with the Legos. The single biggest expense in the Lego Universe video game was hiring moderators to make sure no-one built any Lego penises. Oh, now that you say it again, it sounds very silly. Well, you've buzzed on it and it is true. Yay! Lego Universe was a multiplayer online game

which was Lego's answer to Minecraft. It was released in 2010 and shut down after just 15 months due to quote, unsatisfactory revenue. However, one developer has blamed the game's demise on the huge costs involved in keeping it parent friendly after the game was beset by user craze for attaching little lego penises to their lego figures a huge and costly team of moderators was employed with a promise of zero penises seen. Attempts were made at creating Lego penis-detecting software,

but fans would often hide the penises in designs or make them only visible from one angle. By 2012, the game's servers were shut down. Yes, Sam? I think there was another one in there as well, which was over the years, Lego faces have got angrier. Am I right? You're right. Yes.

Yeah, yeah. Yes. The number of happy faces on Lego toy minifigures has been decreasing since the 1990s. The number of angry faces has increased, giving rise to concerns that children could be affected by the negativity of the toys. Among the attractions

at Legoland in Bedfordshire are a working nuclear reactor made of Lego and an exact representation of the toys. Among the attractions at Legoland in Bedfordshire are a working nuclear reactor made of Lego and an exact representation of the Ecuadorian embassy, including a tiny Julian Assange looking wistfully out of a window. Its motto is Legoland, Britain's most surprisingly expensive day out. Ashley. I think there is an exact

replica of the Ecuadorian embassy in Legoland. I think that. I reckon there's a little Assange as well. I think you're going exact replica of the Ecuadorian embassy in Legoland. I think that's... I reckon there's a little Assange as well. I think you're going to be disappointed when you go to Legoland because it's just that these things are just not there. No, I've not been, but I imagine it's very much more, you know, Eiffel Tower, Tower Bridge, that sort of thing. I do all the voiceovers for Legoland, for all the rides.

Do you? Yeah, yeah. Go on, do one now. Hi there, welcome to Legoland. And then there's another one which is like, please keep your laser blasters back in the holsters. Yeah. Why have they got laser blasters?

I think they're guarding the Ecuadorian embassy, I think. If you do the voices, you'll probably get a free trip. God, you think so, David? Do you have to say, please don't put penises on the Lego? In 2011, astronauts took 11 Lego sets into space in an attempt to see what happens if you take Lego into space. Sam? They definitely took Lego into space,

but not to test whether Lego could go into space. Well, the facts I'm saying is they took it into space in an attempt to see what happens if they take Lego into space. But they did take it into in an attempt to see what happens if they take Lego into space. But they did take it into space. But to test what happens when you take Lego into space. But technically it was in space. It was space Lego. But the whole sentence says they took 13 Lego sets into space in an attempt to see what happens if you take Lego into space.

Have you even been to space? Yes, I have. Have you? No. But I played with Lego. I think I can help resolve this dispute by saying that it is true. They took Lego sets into space in an attempt to see what happens

if you take Lego into space. According to NASA, as part of the Lego bricks in space program, the kits were taken to the International Space Program by the Space Shuttle Endeavour, where astronauts built Lego models to see how they would react in microgravity. I wonder, do they bring Jenga up there built Lego models to see how they would react in microgravity. I wonder, do they bring Jenga up there as well to see how you play Jenga?

Well, they would. The International Space Station is sounding a lot less boring. Richard. Upside down Lego bricks are used as incubators for hummingbird eggs. Due to a 1971 shipwreck, they are accepted as currency in several islands In the Tongan archipelago They are regularly used to provide Pathetic legs for tortoises And temporary shoes for injured horses Sam Tortoise, let's use Lego leg tortoise

Tortoise legs, I'm pretty sure there was a tortoise That had a leg that was made of Lego Leg of land Lego, Lego land Let's go to Lego land It's alright right, Sam. It's just a fun game. You don't have to put everything succinctly.

But you're right that Lego is regularly used to provide prosthetic legs for tortoises. But would that prosthetic leg work in space? There's only one way to find out. I don't know if we know yet. And that's the end of Richard's lecture. And, yes, I'm afraid to say, Richard, you've smuggled no truth past the rest of the panel,

so you've scored no points. The period in a person's life when they decide they're too old for Lego is known as the Dark Age amongst fans. And puberty for the rest of us. Which brings us to the final scores. In fourth place, with minus one point, we have Aisling Bea. In joint second place, with one point each,

we have Sam Simmons and Richard Osman. And in first place, with an unassailable two points, it's this week's winner, Joe Lycett. That's about it for this week. Goodbye. The Unbelievable Truth was devised by John Naismith and Graham Garden and featured David Mitchell in the chair with panellists Joe Lycett, Sam Simmons, Richard Osman and Aisling Bea. The chairman's script was written by Dan Gaster and Colin Swash

and the producer was John Naismith. It was a random production for BBC Radio 4.