The Unbelievable Truth - 16x05 Funerals, British aristocracy, Nudity, Rubber

Episode Date: February 18, 2022

16x05 2 May 2016 Jon Richardson, Henning Wehn, Susan Calman, Jack Dee Funerals, British aristocracy, Nudity, Rubber

We present The Unbelievable Truth, the panel game built on truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. Hello and welcome to The Unbelievable Truth. built on truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. Hello and welcome to The Unbelievable Truth, the panel show about incredible truth and fairly credible lies. I'm David Mitchell. And if you'd like to take advantage of this programme's incredible listen-to-one, listen-to-one free offer, just go to the BBC iPlayer and listen to one.

It's free. Please welcome Henning Vane, Susan Calman, John Richardson and Jack D. The rules are as follows. Each panelist will present a short lecture that should be entirely false, save for five hidden truths which their opponents should

try to identify. Points are scored by truths that go unnoticed, while other panellists can win points if they spot a truth or lose points if they mistake a lie for a truth. First up is John Richardson. Due to Jack D's presence on the show tonight, John is playing the part of cheerful and upbeat comedian. Nevertheless, John, your subject is funerals, religious ceremonies held in connection with the burial or cremation of the dead. Off you go, John. Fingers on buzzers, the rest of you.

Fun has always been an essential part of the funeral make-up. When Hugh Hefner dies, he is requested that all guests at his service carry a condom to protect against funereal diseases. In ancient Rome, a jester was hired to walk behind the coffin doing impressions of the deceased to lighten the mood. Susan? I think that jesters were hired to do impersonations of

dead people to lighten the mood. You're absolutely right. That was the case in Roman times. Yes. In Roman times, a chief buffoon or jester would accompany the funeral procession, imitating the gait, actions and gestures of the deceased person. In modern times, Jimmy Carr offers a similar service.

Ten withering one-liners about the recently deceased for £500 plus VAT. Although the US has had drive-through funeral parlours for years, this year it opened the world's first webcamatorium so that mourners can pay their respects online without having to travel. Susan. Drive-through funerals is something America has, I suspect.

You're absolutely right. I should say drive-through funeral parlours. Parlours. Although I suppose you could drive through a funeral. Pick up a couple of mourners on the bonnet. They've existed in the US for some time. The first was Thornton's Mortuary in Atlanta, Georgia, and that opened in 1968.

I buzzed as well, because I think the webcam thing was true. That was not true. Oh, no. I'm sorry. Well, it's just as well you didn't see me buzz then, isn't it? Yeah, yeah. So many people were misdiagnosed

as having died in the Middle Ages that everyone was given two funerals two weeks apart, with the first being simply a practice. The word rehearsal comes from the process of putting the body back in the hearse. Those deemed to have returned from the dead were forbidden to eat meat or have sex, which is why I now refer to my 20s as my decade from the dead.

Susan. Okay. Susan. OK. What I know is that there were situations where people died but hadn't died, so I think the bit that's true, if any of it is true, is the bit about when they come back to life, they're not allowed to have sex and eat meat. You are correct. Oh!

Yeah. Yes. Yes, during the Middle Ages, because it was not always possible to confirm with 100% certainty that someone was dead, it was agreed that anyone who recovered after receiving the final sacrament was not permitted to eat meat, have sex, or walk barefoot.

Henry I had seven funerals in seven days, one each for his body, his brain, his clothes, his jewellery, his heart, his shoes, and finally his pets. When King John's coffin was laid in the church, his body exploded, but nobody said anything for fear of being punished. Body liquefaction is now a huge trend in Florida and sees the deceased dissolved in a chemical solution and flushed back into the water system. There is now thought to be a stronger concentration of spirits in tonic water than in gin. Susan.

Okay, so he had a funeral for his pet, or he exploded, or... Okay, so I think it's... Oh, sh... Okay, I'm going to go for the fact, because they're American and they're slightly strange, that they flush people back into the system again. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Yeah, I'll go for that one. This is all stuff, Susan, that ideally should happen silently in your head before you... I think that in Florida, they flush you back into the environment so you're at one with the world. You're right, they do. Resomation units are an environmentally friendly alternative to burial or cremation.

The body is submerged in a solution of water and potassium hydroxide and heated to 180 degrees centigrade for three hours leaving a green brown liquid that can be sprinkled on a memorial garden or simply put back into the sewage system. Whatever you

think is most respectful. Yes, this is the latest thing in Florida, and the units are actually made in Glasgow. That's a nice Scottish business success story. The company in Wigan will bake a pastry coffin lid for any local resident who died loving pies. And a company in Milton Keynes was so concerned

that there might not be a more depressing place to be buried on earth... LAUGHTER ..that they now hire out butterflies to be released at funerals to provide some colour. And, Jack, do you wish to stand by your buzz? Yes, why not? Why not? Yes, I will. A wise choice, for that is true.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, the company claim that butterflies released at funerals can be very therapeutic to the mourning process. Can you have moths, if you prefer? Or just a load of flies? And give out swats, just to make it fun. I think if, again, with enough notice,

I don't think you even have to pay for that. And that's the end of John's lecture. And at the end of that round, John, I'm afraid you've managed to smuggle no truths past the rest of the panel, which means you've scored no points. On the day of Stalin's funeral, 500 people were trampled to death in Moscow.

Still, it's what he would have wanted. Britain's biggest burial ground at Brookwood in Surrey was once served by its own railway service from Waterloo, known as the Necropolis Railway. And even today, there's still a train that runs from Waterloo to Surrey that's full of lifeless corpses. It's the 1831 to Epsom. A Russian woman once died of a heart attack after waking and realising she was at her own funeral.

So all's well that ends well. OK, we turn now to Henning Vane. Henning has already been dubbed funnier than Angela Merkel, if only to look at. Henning, your subject is the British aristocracy, typically comprising people of noble birth holding hereditary titles and offices. Off you go, Henning. I'm slightly out my depths talking about the concept of aristocracy,

as in my native Germany there is no class divide. Instead, everyone is doing incredibly well. That's the first truth. I've told you not to self-blow in public. Those aristocratic German titles you will all remember, such as Barone and Kaiser and Großherzogel, Kurfürst and whatnot, were all destroyed, along with most of our infrastructure, by unprovoked foreign aggression.

Henning, stop it. British aristocrats control everything, even their subject holidays. Thanks to the Duke of Rutland, one of the first ever package holidays was to sunny Leicestershire. Workers visited his castle, which he spelled B-E-L-V-O-I-R, but pronounced Otter.

Susan. That sounds like something that he would have done to send his workers somewhere on holiday. The Rutland Package. The Rutland Package. Yes, that is absolutely true. One of the first excursions organised by Thomas Cook in 1848 was a temperance society trip from Leicester to Beaver Castle, home to the Duke of Rutland.

That was one of the first package holidays. However, the trip took a severe drubbing on TripAdvisor. After the workers didn't even have time to blow the steam off their cups of tea before the Duke made them do a cross-country run, a sport pioneered by aristocrats in order to bet on the outcome of their servants racing across their vast estates.

Sorry to interrupt you, Henning. I mean, that's partly why we're here, isn't it? But I think there might have been some truth in inventing the cross-country run as a bet thing. That is true. Ah, good. Yes, yes. I think there might have been some truth in inventing the cross-country run as a bet thing. That is true. Ah, good. Yes, cross-country running existed informally in British public schools as early as the 16th century. And since these schools were only accessible to the aristocracy and the wealthy,

once they'd returned to their estates, the habit of betting or wagering on their servants in cross-country races started to take hold. However the hare and hounds paper chases of the public schools were already based on the hunting activities of the aristocracy and to this day many athletics clubs still retain the word harriers or hare hunters in their name. Even today holidaying Brits like to keep their superiors in mind. When they get to Muggerloof they go to the king's arms or the queen's head to have a sandwich, which was invented by the Duke of Wellington, or a beef wellington invented by Lady Tuna Mayo. The term aristocracy is derived from the Greek aristocrraia, meaning... LAUGHTER

..meaning the rule of the best. This is not to be confused with meritocracy, which is rulership by privately educated people who tell you that it's all to do with their talent. LAUGHTER And in sharp contrast to democracy, which means the rule of the incompetent, usually followed by autocracy, meaning rule from Brussels, contrast to democracy, which means the rule of the incompetent.

Usually followed by autocracy, meaning rule from Brussels or Berlin, depending on how ill-informed you are. John. I've had another think about this lady, Tuna Mayo. LAUGHTER LAUGHTER LAUGHTER LAUGHTER LAUGHTER

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LAUGHTER LAUGHTER LAUGHTER LAUGHTER LAUGHTER LAUGHTER LAUGHTER Ah, yes, that is right. The term aristocracy is derived from the Greek aristokratia, meaning the rule of the best. Don't touch me, all right? With great power comes the chance to be totally irresponsible. And each and every one of those aristos live up to it. Lord Baltimore was the governor of Maryland for 42 years

without ever setting foot in America. Jesus has taken a similar approach to running planet Earth. Jack? I think that might be true about Lord Baltimore, is it? It is true, yes. Sometimes when the nobles do

turn up, people wish they hadn't. Lord Cornbury, the governor of New York, delighted in dressing in women's clothing so he could jump out at his subjects from behind trees. And the worst part was it took him four hours to put on his make-up and he couldn't park a carriage for toffee. LAUGHTER Susan? I just want the opportunity to say Susan.

I just want the opportunity to say that's a terrible thing to say about a woman, Henning. If I could drive, I would prove you... Well, in these days, you just can't tell the difference between the aristocracy and the lower classes, and that they're all unemployable, make virtually no tax contribution, have a taste for Burberry and shotguns, and don't need to consider if they

can afford another child. Thank you, Henning. And at the end of that round, Henning, you've managed to smuggle one truth past the rest of the panel, which is that Lord Cornbury past the rest of the panel, which is that Lord Cornbury, the governor of New York, delighted in dressing in women's clothing. Cornbury is reported to have opened the 1702 New York Assembly wearing a hooped gown and an

elaborate headdress and carrying a fan. When his choice of clothing was questioned, he replied, you are all very stupid people not to see the propriety of it all. In this place and occasion, I represent a woman, the queen, and in all respects, I ought to represent her as faithfully as I can. Lord Cornbury insisted on being addressed as his high mightiness, and according to biographers, enjoyed, quote, lurking behind trees to pounce, shrieking with laughter on his victims. And that means, Henning, you've scored one point. The 8th Earl of Bridgewater used to give lavish dinner parties for dogs. All his canine friends would be dressed in silk and satin and would dine off silver plates.

And as a special treat, he'd sometimes throw a fabulous ball. All his canine friends would be dressed in silk and satin and would dine off silver plates. And as a special treat, he'd sometimes throw a fabulous ball. Next up is Susan Calman. Like a winter's day in Scotland, Susan is short, dark and often accompanied by a vicious wind. Susan, your subject... Susan, your subject is nudity, the state of wearing no clothes. Off you go, Susan. I have never been naked, even for a moment,

even when under severe pressure to do so. Not like Queen Victoria, famed for the 50 years she spent in mourning, who was genuinely only happy when she disrobed. In fact, she used to spend hours wandering the grounds of Balmoral completely naked. Jack? Did she have 50 years in mourning, Victoria?

No. How long did she have then? 40. 40? Was it just 40? Just the 40. Just the 40. So she wasn't? 40. 40, was it just 40? Just the 40. Just the 40. So she wasn't that bothered really, was she? But did she enjoy taking her kit off and walking about?

Are you going to buzz? You have to buzz him. Yeah, go on then. No, of course she didn't. It's Queen Victoria. Incredibly, an incredibly proper... Are we talking about Queen Victoria? Yeah, incredibly proper lady.

Yeah. Oh, yeah, no, sorry. Sorry. There are others, of course. Authors Enid Blyton, P.G. Woodhouse and Agatha Christie loved to prance around naked as the day they were born. John. Well, it's one of those ones, isn't it, in the list?

Let's have that list again. Enid Blyton, P.G. Woodhouse and Agatha Christie. Blyton. Bang on! Yes. The biography of the author Ida Pollock, wife of Enid Blyton's ex-husband Hugh Pollock, describes all-day tennis parties featuring naked participants,

including Blyton herself. I do a similar thing with darts. Angela Merkel insists on being naked in any sauna. Mind her! And Gerry Adams relaxes by trampolining naked with his dog. The dog is voiced by Martin Clunes. Henning. Well, Angela Merkel would go naked

because everybody else would be naked. Angela Merkel insists on being naked in any sauna, mein herr. If you go to a sauna, for example, in the spa that I have been forced to visit on a romantic weekend, you're not allowed to go

into the sauna naked. The only time I've been in a sauna I wore sort of swimming trunks. I was too shy. It's too hot. It is too hot. I wasn't worried I'd be cold without the sauna. It was that other people would be able to see my penis and testicles.

It was that other people would be able to see my penis and testicles. So I imagine that's what Angela's worried about as well. Yeah. My. You'll be standing there with the begging bowl before you know it. Charles Earthquake Richter, Marie Glow-in-the-Dark Curie and Edwin Toil-and-Trouble Hubble changed the course of science but they all did so while naked,

thus rendering their discoveries null and void in my view. Women in 18th century England who remarried but didn't want to carry their debts over to a new marriage would get married in the nude. In addition, if they stood outside the Houses of Parliament and disrobed, they would obtain an immediate audience with the chief whip. In Sweden, you can purchase a hat with enormous flaps that can be deployed to obtain a modicum

of modesty in the event of an emergency, like a change of weather or seeing a nun. The US Patent Office has on file a design for boots with pockets for use by nudists. And in Denmark, cartons of orange juice are made to be unravelled so they can be fashioned into cardboard pants if the need arises. John? I think it's possible that there's a patent for boots with pockets in. And it is absolutely true.

I've had enough i plan on standing for parliament under a no nudity banner i will use the banner to cover up anyone i see who is nude you are all very welcome thank you susan and at the end of that round sus, you've managed to smuggle three truths past the rest of the panel, which are that Jerry Adams relaxes by trampolining naked with his dog. The president of Sinn Féin once said of his passion for trampolining, I do it naked, I don't do it with great expertise,

just the joy of it. The dog does it with me. It saves me taking him for a walk. We just go out and bounce for a while. The dog loves it. In fact, I once caught him doing it on his own. The second truth is that Charles Richter was an avid nudist and he went to nudist camps a lot

and may well have been at one when the Richter scale was first introduced in 1939. And the third truth is that women in 18th century England who remarried but didn't want to carry their debts over to the new marriage would get married in the nude. Widowed women were seen as undesirable because they often came with their deceased husband's debts. Being married in the nude or in just their undergarments

symbolized that they brought nothing to their new marriage, including debts, and that their new husband was therefore not liable for any of the late husband's financial obligations. And that means, Susan, you've scored three points. The US nude wedding industry is worth $440 million a year, much of it spent on dry-cleaning the chairs. Next up is Jack D.

Your subject, Jack, is rubber, an elastic substance obtained from the sap of trees and used to make things such as tyres and Wellington boots. Off you go, Jack. Her Majesty the Queen keeps an inflatable crown in the bathroom. She obviously doesn't wear it herself, it's for her rubber duck. The name rubber was coined by J.B. Priestley,

the 17th century scientist who invented oxygen. He was going to call his new discovery Bouncer, until his wife pointed out that people would confuse it with his dog, Bouncer. After also rejecting Fido, Bonzo and Rin Tin Tin as names for his new bouncy material,

he noticed that it was quite rubbery, so he called it Rubber. Henny. The Queen's called Rubber Duck, doesn't she? Sorry, which programme was that on? Yes, she does. Yeah. A workman spotted the rubber duck when redecorating the Queen's bathroom. The decorator

told the Sun newspaper it was wearing a comical inflatable crown. I nearly fell off my ladder when I saw it. But at least it shows the Queen has a good sense of humour. And she's German, after all. 90% of the rubber in the world comes all the way from Indonesia, then twangs right back again.

According to rubber enthusiasts, the pungent smell of the Welly boot has aphrodisiac powers and is now available as a bottled scent from Parisian perfumer Jean Gouton. Susan. I am going to say that rubber has an aphrodisiac smell. You're right. The Wellington boot is popular with rubber fetishists or rubberists, as they're known.

And it's also right that it's available as a bottled scent from Parisian perfumer Jean Gouton. Pamela Aniston was known as Rubber Band at school because she kept getting dumped by postmen. The Bosco company of Akron, Ohio has marketed a collapsible rubber automobile driver. The idea is that when the car is parked

the inflated dummy in the driver's seat will scare off potential thieves. However, it does tend to attract the police when you're bent over the seat, inflating it. Okay, so the reason I think that's true is that I know they created an inflatable passenger for women to have in the car if they were driving around to try and make it look like there was someone in your car if you were on your own,

so logically someone might have done the same for a driver. And that's excellent logic, and that's absolutely right. have done the same for a driver. And that's excellent logic, and that's absolutely right. If you want to learn more about rubber, you should study books like Empires of Rubber by James Dunlop and Pardon My Latex by Evan Davies, or even A Toddler's Guide to the Rubber Industry. If you have a condom in your wallet,

it will last about six weeks before it gets worn down by friction and breaks. It will last even longer if you leaveom in your wallet, it will last about six weeks before it gets worn down by friction and breaks. It will last even longer if you leave it in your wallet. LAUGHTER Susan. Sorry. The condom lasting in your wallet, does it last about six weeks before you should...?

Years. Sorry. LAUGHTER Sorry, you were saying years, weren't you? you should say... Years. Sorry. Sorry, you were saying years, weren't you? I thought you were saying yes in an Australian accent. Years. The recommended maximum time for keeping a condom in a wallet is a month. Christ. I mean, ridiculous.

Who are these? I know, they're... They're fine for decades. Who are these? I know there is. They're fine for decades. A 12-pack could be gone within a year. As long as the manufacturer hasn't changed logo more than twice. That's fine. I do confidently keep three, though, stapled together, just in case I have a very special one.

Thank you, Jack. And at the end of that round, Jack, you've managed to smuggle two truths past the rest of the panel, which are that Pamela Anderson was known as Rubber Band at school. According to an interview she gave to Hello! magazine, Anderson was a very sporty youngster and her athleticism earned her the nickname Rubber Band at school. According to an interview she gave to Hello Magazine, Anderson was a very sporty youngster and her athleticism earned her the nickname Rubber Band. And the second truth is that there is a book

called A Toddler's Guide to the Rubber Industry. It was published in 1947 and is currently selling on Amazon for £9.95. Other genuine books with unlikely titles include Highlights in the History of Concrete, Cess Pools, a do-it-yourself guide, and Enjoy Your Pig. Which means, Jack, that you've scored two points.

America's first condoms appeared in 1870 and were made of vulcanised rubber. Thick and insensitive, men still chose to use them. LAUGHTER A size 10 pair of Hunter Wellington boots can be filled with a gallon of custard. It's as good a description of David Cameron as any. Which brings us to the final scores. In fourth place, with minus two points, we have Henning Vein.

In third place, with plus two points, it's Jack Dee. In second place, with three points, it's John Richardson. And in first place with an unassailable six points, it's this week's winner, Susan Kalman. That's about it for this week. Goodbye. The Unbelievable Truth was devised by John Naismith and Graham Garden and featured David Mitchell in the chair with panellists Jack Dee, John Richardson, Susan Calman and Henning Veigh.

The chairman's script was written by Dan Gaster and Colin Swash and the producer was John Naismith. It was a random production for BBC Radio 4.