The Unbelievable Truth - 17x01 Mosquitoes, Flags, Roads, North Korea

Episode Date: February 18, 2022

17x01 3 October 2016 Holly Walsh, Lloyd Langford, Rich Hall, Henning Wehn Mosquitoes, Flags, Roads, North Korea

We present The Unbelievable Truth, the panel game built on truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. Hello and welcome to The Unbelievable Truth. Built on truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. Hello and welcome to The Unbelievable Truth, the panel show about incredible truths and barely credible lies. I'm David Mitchell. Alan Sugar once said, nobody can honestly say that they never lie.

Adding, the Amstrad e-mailer is a truly revolutionary piece of equipment. Well, I'm looking forward to a great evening of top-class entertainment, but I've got to get this out of the way first, so please welcome Rich Hall, Lloyd Langford, Holly Walsh and Henning Vane. The rules are as follows. Each panellist will present a short lecture that should be entirely false, save for five hidden truths which their opponents should try to identify.

Points are scored by truths that go unnoticed, while other panelists can win points if they spot a truth or lose points if they mistake a lie for a truth. First up is Holly Walsh. Holly, your subject is mosquitoes, small flying insects that suck the blood of humans and animals, sometimes transmitting diseases. Off you go, Holly. Fingers on buzzers, the blood of humans and animals Sometimes transmitting diseases Off you go, Holly

Fingers on buzzers, the rest of you Mosquitoes are nature's most prolific players If a mosquito were a bloke You'd be the kind that'd use a brilliant chat-up line like Damn, girl, is your father a daddy longlegs? Cos I can't help but notice your terrific set of pins And even though you think, well, that's a bit sexist It did make you laugh

So you let him buy you a white wine or three and you listen to him talk about how close he is to his 40,000 older sisters. You realise he's actually quite respectful of women and his eyes with their 16,000 night vision units are actually pretty dreamy. And you end up getting off with him by the pub bins waiting for your taxi. And in the morning you're left with nothing but a memory, a hangover and a horrible itch. Lloyd. I think the mosquito is sexually adventurous. I'm not speaking from experience.

No, I don't think the mosquito is particularly sexually adventurous. And then something about them specifications about them. Can you think of anything specific about them? 40,000 siblings, then it's like special eyes, like 16,000. I don't think you can just list everything I've said and hope that one of them is correct. No, but I narrow it down to them two is one of them. Lloyd, Lloyd, which one would you go for?

I think the eyes probably makes more sense. OK, then, yeah, the eyes, that's true. You're guessing the eye, what she said about the eyes. They've got eyes. They've got... Henning, are you guessing that mosquitoes, as Holly said, have 16,000 night vision units? That's preposterous.

No, OK, let's go for that, yeah. Going for that, that's not true, you lose a point. Mosquitoes have two eyes, but they have thousands of lenses, but not as many as 16,000. And they use smell more than vision to find something to bite. That's true, they use their smell. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You smell more than vision to find something to bite. That's true, they use their smell. Don't buzz on what I say.

Oh, yeah, it's Holly's turn, isn't it? I am the arbiter of truth in my whole life, not just in this game. Holly. Contrary to popular belief, mosquitoes do not bite their prey, but give their victims a tiny, sexy love bite. But it's not all innocent Frenching. Mosquitoes are filthy bastards. They love nothing more than urinating on you as they munch.

Rich? I think a mosquito probably would pee on you while he's biting you. You're absolutely right. They do. Boom! Yeah. Yes, in fact, most blood-sucking insects urinate while they feed to avoid filling up on fluid and to allow them to get more nutrients out of their meal.

It's like when I've drunk too much and I have a tactical vom. Yes, exactly. It allows you to get more nutrients, as you call it, from the vodka. Interestingly, when female mosquitoes flap their wings, they create a high C note, a sound that is extremely attractive to male mosquitoes. Lloyd.

I think they are musical. You think they are musical? They create a high C. I mean, not that they play instruments, but they have. They create a... Yes, the high C fact, that is true. A broader sense of musicality, I think that's pure speculation.

Yes, a female mosquito's buzz is a high C note which is highly attractive to male mosquitoes who'll swarm around in the hope of mating with her. When a power station in Canada that emitted the same note began malfunctioning, it was discovered to have been gummed up by tens of thousands of mosquitoes,

all males apparently sexually attracted to the hum of the generator. Rich. I actually heard that program, so yes, I'm going to say that's absolutely true. It is absolutely true. It's cited by Professor Andrew Spielman, one of the world's foremost experts on the mosquito, in his book entitled Mosquito. When it comes to picking whom to suck on, mosquitoes basically have the taste of a carry-on casting director. They predominantly go for blondes, 18 to 25 year olds, and ladies with double D tits

or bigger. Lloyd. Do they favour the blonde? They do favour the blonde. Yeah, that's absolutely right. According again to Professor Andrew Spielman, author of Mosquito, blondes and redheads may be more attractive to mozzies because they stand out in a crowd. Yeah, but that's all pure speculation, isn't it?

Because, I mean, it's just that Professor is saying that's what happened, but we've only got him as a source, don't we? It's not that we can ask the mosquitoes. I'm wondering what the future for science is. I mean, no, we can't ask the mosquitoes. I mean, that would be interesting, wouldn't it? I mean, this man, he's given his life to studying the mosquito. Maybe he's making it all up. Maybe it's... David, this is exactly how Brexit happened.

David, this is exactly how Brexit happened. Mosquitoes prefer people with high levels of sex hormones, which is why they usually strike at the most romantic times, such as sunset or when you're skinny-dipping in a waterfall. Lloyd, do they usually strike at sunset? Yeah, I believe that. That's not one of the truths that Holly was given. Just ask a professor.

The professor isn't here. We've got all we have. There's a bit of an oversight, isn't there? Well, all we do is debating mosquitoes and there is one person in the whole universe and you didn't think of inviting the man. He's published a book, a well-known book, called Mosquito, so we know everything. We don't need him anymore.

What Holly was saying about the high level of sex hormones attracting mosquitoes is not true, but it is true that they tend to feed most at dawn or dusk, so striking at the most romantic time, such as sunset, is an inadvertent truth, and you can get an extra point, Lloyd. Well, we get half a point each. Don't, don't, don't, why?

That's very kind of you. I'm trying to foster relations with Europe. I'm telling you, you'll give him half a point, you won't get it back. All right, half a point each it is. Tom Jones is so high in sex hormones that what most people think is his hairy chest

is actually a constant swarm of mozzies. Thank you, Holly. At the end of that round, Holly, you've managed to smuggle one truth past the rest of the panel, which is that, contrary to popular belief, mosquitoes do not actually bite their prey. Not technically, at least. They pierce the skin with their proboscis to get at the blood just beneath it. And that means, Holly, you've scored one point. OK, we turn now to Lloyd Langford.

According to the Daily Mirror, Lloyd's comedy contains just the right level of Welshness. I'm guessing that's... I'm guessing that's a tang of authenticity, but without being drenched in saliva when you're talking to him. Lloyd, your subject is flags, decorated pieces of cloth often used as national or institutional emblems for signalling or for decoration during public festivities.

Off you go, Lloyd. A flag is a thing someone puts in their garden as a handy indicator that you should never talk to them about immigration. you should never talk to them about immigration. The first ever flag, the Japanese flag, was accidentally created when the designer suffered a nosebleed as he was about to begin work. During the years 1814 to 1830 and 1939 to 1945, the French national flag was plain white

and often rapidly waved by hand... LAUGHTER ..rather than affixed to the traditional flagpole. So central are towels to the culture of Belarus that they even appear on the country's flag, unless the flag is flown at a beach resort, in which case the towels are replaced by German ones very early in the morning. It is not a dragon on the Welsh flag, but rather a sunburnt lizard with glandular problems.

For nearly a hundred years, the flag of the tropical Turks and Caicos Islands in the West Indies mistakenly featured a killer whale, a Turkish man, a penguin and an igloo. Holly. Oh, is there something in that? Is there something in that? One of those things was a mistake. The things on the Turks and Caicos Islands flag? Yeah. A killer whale, a Turkish man, a penguin and an igloo.

Yeah, one of them is wrong. Which one? Igloo. Correct. Yes! Yes. Between 1889 and 1968, the flag of the Turks and Caicos mistakenly featured an igloo.

The artist who designed it had mistaken an igloo-shaped pile of salt on an earlier version of the flag for a dwelling and drew a door on it. Salt is an important export of the islands. And that's the trouble when you outsource design work, isn't it? Tenny. The fact about the Japanese flag,

then that's the first flag ever. That's true. That's a long time ago in Lloyd's lecture. I mean, not as long ago as you think the Japanese flag was invented, but that's buzzing with a lot of context, which is, I think, a technical term in porn. I don't know what it would mean. Buzzing with a lot of context.

Yeah, I've said that before. I think you must Buzzing with a lot of context. Yeah, I don't know. I said that before I thought about it. I think you must have the most fascinating search history of all. Nope. Anything physical that that means I want to look at. But, Henning, I'm not going to charge you a point for this because it was so long ago, because I wouldn't have given you one, so I won't charge you one.

Giving you one is another technical term. But it is not true that the Japanese flag was the first flag. The flag of Koala Lumpur features a fat koala. The flag of the Quebec municipality of Bay James appears to show a swimming owl firing three bolts of lightning from its crotch. Holly. I just want that to be true so much.

It is true. Yeah. It's worth googling. It does look weird. Canadian gymnast and acrobat, the unflappable chapable, Dominic Lacasse, can hold himself horizontally on a bar as a human flank for 39 seconds. Though Oliver Reed was often found horizontally on a bar

for much longer than this, he failed to pass any subsequent drug tests. Holly. I believe, maybe he wasn't called the unflappable chapable or whatever, but I think that sounds about right. Yes, he wasn't called the unflappable clappable or whatever, but I think that sounds about right. Yes, he wasn't called the unflappable chappable. You're right, but he was called Dominic Lacasse, and it's absolutely right, he could hold himself on a bar

as a human flag for 39 seconds. And that's the end of Lloyd's lecture. And at the end of that round, Lloyd, you've managed to smuggle two truths past the rest of the panel, which are that during the years 1814 to 1830, though not the years 1939 to 1945, the French national flag was plain white. However, that white flag wouldn't have been confused with the white flag of temporary truce or surrender, as this was not officially adopted until the Hague Convention of 1899. oedd yn blan-wyd. Ond byddai'r flag bwyd yn cael ei amgylchu â'r flag bwyd o trws oedd wedi'i ddynnu, oherwydd doedd hynny ddim wedi cael ei gyflwyno yn awr hyd at y Cyfnod Hague 1899. Felly, mae unrhyw un yn ei chael yn ddiddorol ei fod yn cael flag bwyd yn ddiddorol iawn. A'r gwirionedd ail yw bod ymdriniaethau'r cymdeithas yn ddifrifol i'r diwylliant o Belerwys,

ac mae'n ymddangos ar y flag y dynion. Mae'r ffadrn ar y flag Belerwys yn culture of Belarus that they even appear on the country's flag. The pattern on the Belarus flag is from a towel called a rushnik, which is used for all sorts of ceremonies, including funerals. And that means, Lloyd, you've scored two points. Next up is Rich Hall. Rich, your subject is roads. Roads. Roads. Not the island, but long, narrow stretches of smoothed or paved surface for the passage of vehicles,

people and animals. Off you go, Rich. Highways in the western USA are based on the migratory roots of bison. The city of Billings, Montana was founded at the bottom of a cliff

where thousands of buffalo accidentally fell to their deaths. On many perfectly straight north-south roads in North Dakota and Montana, a stop sign will suddenly appear in the middle of nowhere, and the driver will have to make a sharp turn right, travel about 20 yards, and then make a sharp turn left. This is to make up for the curvature of the earth. Seems to me it's quite an American-centric lecture so far.

Well, there are a little bit. I've only once been to Miami Airport, and that's my only first-hand experience of the United States, so I'm completely on my depths. Henning, not everyone is as rigorous as you are not to bring any of their cultural background with them onto the show.

Rich. I'll have you executed for that night. In America, we only drive on the right-hand side of the road because before cars, the driver of a carriage or a wagon would sit on the left side of the wagon, so his stronger right arm was free to lash the horses. And in this position

he could only see oncoming traffic to his left. Holly. That probably is why people drive on the right. Because before cars, the driver of a carriage or wagon would sit on the left-hand side and... Yes. Because they obstructed view. That's absolutely right. Well done.

Yes, horse traffic travelled on the left in the US until at some point in the 18th century when right-handed teamsters driving large wagons started travelling on the right in order to better see traffic coming in the opposite direction. In the USA, the Acme Manufacturing Company

once tried to sue the makers of the Roadrunner cartoon series for defamation. Incidentally, a coyote can run faster than a roadrunner. A roadrunner will chase after your car instinctively, but you have to drive at exactly 27 miles per hour if you want him to keep running alongside. If you drive any faster, he will give up and wait for the next car. Holly.

Well, first of all, I thought roadrunners aren't real birds. And then I thought, maybe they are. And that's how I got to the next part of my thinking, which was maybe they could run at 27 miles per hour. And that's where you fell down. No, they can only run at about 20 miles an hour, so that thing about driving at exactly 27 miles an hour is not true. Lloyd.

I reckon a coyote is faster than a roadrunner, then. You've had a bit of time to think about that, haven't you, Lloyd? A very marginal bit of late buzzing. OK, it's effective, but it spoils it for everyone. Yes, you can have a point, but I just hope it makes you happy. Highway 412, also known as the Sunshine Highway from Destin to Ocala, Florida, is paved entirely with an aggregate of bottle caps,

seashells, fish bones and shredded flip-flops. Holly. I bet it's made of bottle caps. It isn't. Oh. Henning. I bet the A412 is the Sunshine Highway. No.

Lloyd. I bet it is made out of flip-flops. No, no, it isn't. This is an extremely profitable passage of play for you, Rich. Holly. Shells. No. It's like the Somme.

No offence, Henning. Henning. I reckon the Highway 412 is made of tarmac. I expect so but that wasn't something that Rich said now isn't it typical, that's the bit he left out didn't he

hey am I getting points every time every time in Britain when the M6 toll road was constructed in 2003 it was lined with 2.5 million paperback novels to make it more absorbent. Henning.

Now, that was one of them private public enterprises. And that's obviously all about cost-cutting, so I think they chucked some novels in there. You're right. They did. Yes. Two and a half million

Mills and Boone novels were pulped by a Welsh recycling firm and used in the preparation of the top layer of the M6 toll road. The pulp novels not only help hold the tarmac and asphalt in place, but also act as a sound absorber. Well, that's the end of Rich's lecture. And at the end of that round, Rich, you've managed to smuggle two truths past the rest of the panel,

which are that highways in the western USA are based on the migratory routes of bison. Herds of bison would locate the easier migratory routes, Native Americans would follow these routes, and when Europeans settled in America, they followed suit, constructing roads as they went. And the second truth is that on many perfectly straight north-south roads in North Dakota and Montana,

a stop sign will suddenly appear in the middle of nowhere and the driver will have to make a sharp right turn, travel about 20 yards, and then turn left again, and this is to make up for the curvature of the earth. And that is because America is very big. And that means...

That is mad, isn't it? That means, Rich, you've scored two points. Next up is Henning Vane. Henning has appeared on the show many times over the last few years, while anti-European sentiment has grown in Britain. Coincidence, I'm sure. Your subject, Henning, is North Korea,

a secretive... ..a secretive communist country in the northern half of the Korean peninsula, established in 1948, which functions as a one-party state under a totalitarian family dictatorship. Off you go, Henning. North Korea is the best topic to discuss

in a show about unbelievable truth. As anything you make up sounds plausible. Chairman Kim Jong-un eats three children for breakfast every morning. And washes them down with half a gallon of diesel. He has a pet snail called Simon who we met on Grindr. To reference its culture of mechanised agriculture, the anthem changed in 1976 to Combine Harvester by the Wurzels. That year wasn't called 1976 in North Korea.

As their calendar starts today, the Titanic sank in their year one. Holly. I don't know what year. Is it 1911? I think it's 1912. 1912? Could have started in 1912. It did. The thing that started... That's absolutely true, because the thing that started in 1912 is Kim Il-sung, the former dictator of North Korea. And a calendar was adopted in 1997

on the third anniversary of the death of Kim Il-sung. It declared that Kim Il-sung's birth date, the 15th of April 1912, would be the calendar's first day. And that's the same day as the Titanic sank. Nobody in North Korea has a mobile phone. The country has the largest concentration of Pokemon, as none of the locals can catch any. It's probably just as well that nobody has a mobile phone as you can be executed for making an international phone call. Other

things you can be executed for include having screws left over when you've built a Billy bookcase, leaving the toilet seat up, not leaving the toilet seat up, owning a toilet seat, not owning a toilet seat, and for telling lies about the country on the BBC. So that's that leg of the tour concert.

Lloyd. I'm going to guess that you can be executed for making an international phone call on a mobile. You can. Yes, well done. Yes, in 2014, a 49-year-old lighting engineer was executed for making a call outside the country and his family were incarcerated in a State Security Department facility. In 2014, a 49-year-old lighting engineer was executed for making a call outside the country and his family were incarcerated in a State Security Department facility.

I thought roaming charges were bad. That would have been a very wry quip he could have made just before being executed. If they make a film of his life and cast Roger Moore, that would be a sort of... Anyway, yeah, Henning. North Korea is keen to embrace foreign cultures, but the only foreign comedian to have played North Korea's sofa

is Mark Steele, who performed Mark Steele's in town and worked as a Gravian Collective 56228. However, the run was cut short as the authorities found him a little too left-wing and dogmatic. And he should be a good audience to play to and will no doubt giggle all the way through because cannabis is legal in North Korea. Sadly, this quickly turns into getting the munchies when there is no munchies to be had. Holly. There are no munchies when there is no munchies to be had? Holly? There are no munchies in North Korea.

Well, for a start, North Korean dictators have a habit of covertly importing all sorts of Western goodies, so there would be in that case. You're defining munchies. I reckon everyone can smoke weed. I reckon cannabis is legal in some form. Yes, well, that is true,

so you can get a point. Thank you. But you lose a point for the munchies, so you've only broken even. Marijuana can be bought freely by the bagful in shops and markets across North Korea, and its use is widespread, even as a substitute for tobacco, which is expensive and hard to obtain.

Former leader Kim Jong-il became a fan of Umpah music. He built himself a Munich beer hall at the end of his Pyongyang estate. Holly. I can believe that, because they do have Oktoberfest in North Korea. He didn't build a Munich beer hall at the end of his estate, and he's not a fan of Umpah music. Henning. And has made it a legal requirement that all teachers learn the accordion.

However, his son, Kim Jong-un, was the only person in the country who resembled a large-breasted serving frow, and so he always hated October. Kim Jong-un wasn't a star his father was at university. While studying, Kim Jong-il officially wrote no fewer than 1,500 books. This sounds less impressive

when you consider he had plenty of spare time as he was studying film and media studies, which is a Mickey Mouse subject. Or, as the character is known in North Korea, Mickey Chi-Chi, the anthropomorphic vermin.

Lloyd? I hope they call Chi, the anthropomorphic vermin. Lloyd. I hope they call Mickey Mouse the anthropomorphic vermin. No, they don't. And that's the end of Henning's lecture. And at the end of that round, Henning, you've managed to smuggle two truths past the rest of the panel,

which are that North Korea has made it a legal requirement that all teachers learn the accordion It's often referred to as the people's instrument as it's portable enough to carry with you on a day of voluntary hard labor in the fields And the second truth is that according to official, Kim Jong-il wrote no fewer than 1,500 books in the three years that he was at university, along with six full operas. According to his official biography, all of his operas are, quote, better than any in the history of music.

They claim he wrote, in three years, he wrote more than a book a day. But then he only wrote six operas. Why only six operas? Why not 90 operas? Somebody said, don't say eight operas. That sounds ridiculous. Do you think Donald Trump is sharing his PR agency? And that means, Henning, you've scored two points.

North Korea has 28 state-approved haircuts. Their current leader, Kim Jong-un, prefers number 17, militant lesbian. Which brings us to the final scores. In fourth place, with minus three and a half points, we have Lloyd Langford. In third place, with minus one and a half points, it's Henning Vein.

In second place, with minus one point, it's Holly Walsh. And in first place, with an unassailable three points, it's this week's winner, Rich Hall. That's about it for this week. Goodbye. The Unbelievable Truth was devised by John Naismith and Graham Garden and featured David Mitchell in the chair, with panellists Lloyd Langford, Holly Walsh, Rich Hall and Eileen Vane. Thank you.