The Unbelievable Truth - 17x03 Chairs, Medicine, Prisons, Video games

Episode Date: February 18, 2022

17x03 17 October 2016 Tony Hawks, Vicki Pepperdine, Clive Anderson, Richard Osman Chairs, Medicine, Prisons, Video games

We present The Unbelievable Truth, the panel game built on truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. on truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. Hello and welcome to The Unbelievable Truth, the panel show about incredible truths and barely credible lies. I'm David Mitchell. And following Gary Lineker's example on Match of the Day,

I'm responding to a special request and presenting this show in my underpants. And following several more requests with a pair of trousers on top of them. Please welcome Richard Osman, Clive Anderson, Vicky Pepperdine and Tony Hawks. The rules are as follows. Each panellist will present a short lecture

that should be entirely false, save for five hidden truths which their opponents should try to identify. Points are scored by truths that go unnoticed, while other panellists can win points if they spot a truth or lose points if they mistake a lie for a truth. First up is Tony Hawks. A couple of years ago, Tony moved from London to a small village on the edge of Dartmoor. Having spent two years carefully integrating himself into the Devon community, Tony has just finished writing a book about how funny all the locals are.

So expect him to be moving back to London any day. Tony, your subject is the chair, described by my encyclopaedia as a seat for one person, typically with a back and four legs. Off you go, Tony. Fingers on buzzers, the rest of you. A royal footman was reprimanded by the palace in 2015 for interrupting a private birthday dinner in honour of the Duke of Edinburgh by noisily bringing in three additional dining

chairs. In his defence, he said he distinctly heard the Queen saying, three chairs for Prince Philip. Strangely, no buzzes. IKEA sell over 1,000 different types of chair. The most popular, the electrisk, or electric chair, kills people who get on your nerves. Richard? It certainly feels like they sell over 1,000 types of chair. Well, one of the reasons it might feel like that is that they sell around 214.

And it's both 214 and a thousand in chair terms is loads. The best electric chair story in the world is the one about the American murderer who narrowly avoided death by electric chair and decided to celebrate the commuting of his death sentence by Ficky. I'm just going to go out there and say I think part of what he's recently said is... I'm going to say the guy who got out of dying celebrated by watching television. But you don't think he killed himself by biting through a wire whilst on a metal... I mean, if what you're saying is that someone whose death sentence was commuted subsequently watched television,

that's not much of an anecdote. That is true. OK, I'm going to go all the way and say that he bit the thing and da-dee-da. Well, he did. He bit the thing and da-dee-da. The word charwoman is a corruption of the 16th century word chairwoman and harks back to a time when domestic servants would commonly double as items of furniture. Richard.

I bet charwoman does come from chairwoman. It doesn't. Char comes from chore. Female serving staff were generally considered to make the best seats, being softer and more flexible, and to ease oneself into a plump serving made by the fire was considered the height of luxury. Richard. I don't want to be all suicidal and everything, but I think that servants did serve as furniture. was considered the height of luxury. Richard? I don't want to be all suicidal and everything,

but I think that servants did serve as furniture. You? I'm sure a servant's been sat upon, both literally and metaphorically. But I don't think it was the form to say, OK, thanks very much for cleaning the great Maisie, now get down on all fours, we want to put a cup of tea on your back. Or something more sexual.

Well, that's a table. You wouldn't put a cup of tea on a chair, David. I have done. Have you? It all comes out on this show. In many ways, what is a chair but a small table you can sit on with a back? I'd never looked at it that way, like an idiot. What is a table but a headless model of a dog? Yeah. Please don't let us into your world too closely.

All the different chairs in the world were either invented by Madonna or one of her ancestors. Except for the swivel chair that was invented by Thomas Jefferson. Vicky. I'm going to say yes. It was. Oh, my goodness me. Wow.

He is said to have used the revolving or swivel chair he invented when drafting the Declaration of Independence. I knew that. I didn't, obviously. The dentist chair that was invented by a barber. The electric chair that was invented by a dentist. Richard.

Oh God, was it me? Yeah. I think the electric chair was invented by a dentist. You are right. After US dentist Alfred P. Southwick witnessed a drunk man die after touching a live generator terminal, he concluded that electrocution was a quick

and relatively painless way to die and could perhaps be used as an alternative form of capital punishment to hanging, beheading or garrotting. Now, that's an entrepreneur for you. He's seen what for most of you would be quite a harrowing sight, and he's immediately thought, there's an invention in this. Anyway, in 1889, Mr Southwick got his way, and the first execution using electric chair

took place on 6th August. And the Chesterfield chair that was invented by a man from Hull. The traditional folding seaside deck chair was invented in Bournemouth during the 1890s by John Wallace Carruthers. Sadly, Mr Carruthers would never know quite how popular his invention was to become. He collapsed suddenly on the beach and it took three people half an hour to get him back up again. There are exactly 16 world records involving chairs, and I shall list them all here. The world record for the most people to sit on one chair is 2067.

The world record for the longest time waiting to get around to fixing a chair is 18 years, held by the incredibly well-endowed male model and Nobel Prize winner, Tony Hawks. The 1978 Dean Friedman song, Well, Well Said the Rocking Chair, tells the story of how someone is consoled by a rocking chair, a balcony, a radio, a coffee cup and a tabletop.

It went to number one in Chesterfield, where they love chairs. Vicky? I've just got a notion that Dean maybe sung about radios, coffee cups, rocking chairs and shizzle. You're right, he did. O-M-G. Yes, that's true. I'm going to say O-M-G.

I actually bought that LP. OK. That was a true... He goes, Well, well, said the rocking chair Been a while since I seen such dark despair Who told you life was fair? Because he had a whiny voice.

I like the fact that somewhere Dean Freeman in three months is going to get a cheque for 17 pence. Go, what was that for? I'll invoice him as well for half pence. Go, what was that for? I'll invoice him as well for half of it. Thank you, Tony. At the end of that round, Tony, you have smuggled one truth past the rest of the panel, which is that the world record for the most people to sit on one chair

in Kobayashi City in Japan is 2067. Who were you going to buzz? It was a normal-sized chair, but it was basically people sitting on each other's knees. And I imagine a couple of hundred people along, it's basically people standing in quite a cosy row. But, you know, it's important that these stunts are done.

It gives us something to say, it gives people in Japan something to do with their day. It's all a very sound replacement for heavy industry. And that means, Tony, that you've scored one point. OK, we turn now to Vicky Pepperdine. Vicky created and starred in the series Getting On, about life in an NHS hospital struggling with budget cuts. It was cancelled after three series

due to the BBC struggling with budget cuts. Just to say, it wasn't cancelled. They did ask for another. So I think we ought to say this. They did ask for another three episodes and we couldn't all get together at the same time. It doesn't work as a joke, does it? No. That doesn't work as a joke, does it? No.

That doesn't work. No, we have to lie to make that the shape of a joke. It was only impossible to get people together because you refused to work at weekends. Very true. Vicky, your subject is medicine, treatment for illness, disease or injury, or the study of such treatment. Off you go, Vicky. In subject is medicine, treatment for illness, disease or injury, or the study of such treatment.

Off you go, Vicky. In ancient Egyptian medicine, doctors performing operations gave their patients an anaesthetic compound to eat, which was very like our modern licorice all sorts. They also treated sore throats with marshmallows, and dementia with... Oh, messed that up. I might start the whole thing again.

In ancient Egyptian medicine, doctors performing operations gave their patients an anaesthetic compound to eat which was very like our modern licorice all sorts. Tony. Yes. I think that it was very like our modern day licorice all sorts. I've certainly heard it said before.

No, I'm afraid they didn't. They also treated sore throats with marshmallows and dementia with Werther's Originals. Richard. Marshmallows for sore throats. Correct. Yes. Boom.

The marshmallow we buy today as confectionary no longer contains the juice of the marshmallow plant, so has no medicinal use. I didn't realise it was ever a plant. I suppose, yeah. Never heard of marshmallows? I've heard of marshmallows, yeah, I just didn't realise it was a plant. It's like I've heard of Twixes.

But if you started saying, oh, they used to harvest out the Twix tree, I'd be surprised. In the medieval book Sovereign Cures and Remedies by Hildegard of Bingen, the treatment for menstrual cramps is described as a concoction made from parakeet and mole. Recent research has revealed that this was a misprint and it in fact said paracetamol. A medieval cure for baldness was to rub goose droppings into your scalp.

Clive, a very long, loud buzz for you there. Every possible thing has been suggested as a cure for baldness, and some fools have tried every possible thing, and none of them work. But I think that must be one of the various things. You're absolutely right, it is, yes. Well done. Genuine, I kid you not, old English medicines

included Norman's buttock embrocation, Alan's nipple liniment, Nigel's penis emollient, favourite of mine, and Stephen's stimulating thigh lotion, which was often used in conjunction with Nelly's trembly knee balm. Tony? Has to be one. There's no question about that.

It would be morally wrong for you to list those four without one of them being a truth. And I'm going for the second one. Which was? The one about... I wasn't listening. It's just your overall policy is go for the second one. Look, don't question it. I've come forth on many occasions using this policy.

So you say the second one is true? Yes. Well, it is. Oh! And the second one, as you know, Tony, is Alan's nipple liniment. Other old English medicines included Grimston's eye snuff, Taylor's antispasmodic

pills, and Simpson's infallible ethereal tincture. I'm on the infallible tincture at the moment. Never fails. Right. Quilly's lozenges were the most popular treatment for coughs in Britain during the 1930s

and might still have been going today were it not for a disastrous advertising jingle sung by the Beverley sisters, exhorting the British public to suck quillies in exquisite three-part harmony. In the 1860s, Robert Ehrlichman developed homeopathy, but later sadly died of an accidental underdose. Clive? I think Robert Ehrlichman did develop homeopathy, but later sadly died of an accidental underdose. Clive?

I think Robert Ehrlichman did develop homeopathy. He did not. He's certainly a name I've heard, I've made up. You're mixing him up with Samuel Hahnemann. In the early 20th century, if your toddler had a tickly cough, you could pop down to the chemists and buy over the counter a bottle of Bayer's heroin. This practice was stopped when it was found that toddlers had begun faking coughs, hoarding the medicine,

and then selling it on at inflated prices at Playgroup. Richard? I think you could buy Bayer's heroin. You could buy Bayer's heroin, yes. German pharmaceutical company Bayer sold heroin to give children suffering from coughs and colds as late as 1912, despite emerging reports of heroin addiction. In 1834, Dr John Bennett of Ohio

launched a new medicine for diarrhoea and indigestion, tomato ketchup. Tony. I think the tomato ketchup is definitely true. Well, you're right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Bennett even developed a concentrated ketchup pill, which was sold as a medicine across the United States.

Bennett set up an infirmary which flourished until his saucy treatment was superseded by a creamy egg-based dressing, and now the ketchup infirmary is known as the Mayo Clinic. Thank you, Vicky. And at the end of that round, Vicky, I'm sorry to say that you've managed to smuggle no truths

past the rest of the panel, which means you've scored no points. Yes! Next up is Clive Anderson. Clive has recently been hosting a live run of Whose Line Is It Anyway? Hugely popular in the 90s, but now rather forgotten, Clive is a very talented presenter.

Clive, your subject is prisons, institutions in which people are confined as a form of punishment. Off you go, Clive. America, the land of the free, keeps more prisoners in its jails than there are Americans who hold passports. Tony. That's true. It's not.

2,220,300 people are in US federal and state prisons, but there are 109 million resident passport holders. I was only out by 107 million. That's true. Since smoking is now banned, the main currency in American prisons instead of of tobacco, is mackerel. Vicky. I've got a weird feeling that might be true,

because I seem to remember reading recently that tuna was a big currency in British prisons. You're absolutely right. It's regarded as a good stand-in for US currency because each can or pouch costs about $1. The mackerel can be used to pay off debts or buy other goods or services. So it's literally used like currency.

They don't eat the mackerel any more than you would eat a fiver if you were hungry. It was in the 1490s that Roderick Sherry, the first man to smoke tobacco in Europe, was sent down for seven years in Spain. When he was seen with smoke pouring out of his mouth, the authorities decided he must be possessed by the devil. Richard. Yeah, go on.

That's true, yes. Well done, Richard. That's the perils of being an early adopter. Rodrigo de Jerez, or Roderick Sherry in English, fell victim to the Spanish Inquisition, who jailed him for seven years, citing that only the devil could give a man the power to exhale smoke from his mouth.

But by the time he was eventually released, he would have been annoyed to discover that smoking had taken off in Europe and his fellow citizens were now smoking without censure from the church. Locked up in Fleet Prison, John Cleland worked on the country's first pornographic novel, Fanny Hill, which immediately became the most popular book in the prison library. It was while he was in prison in Germany that Adolf Hitler wrote his famous second book, Carry On Camping.

Back in America, the concert Johnny Cash performed in San Quentin Prison inspired inmate Merle Haggard to become a musician and prison guard Emperor Roscoe to become a disc jockey. Tony? I'm going for the Merle Haggard one. You're right. Took over the Merle Haggard one. Inspired by Johnny Cash, Haggard went on

to have 38 number one hits in the country charts. You'd think I'd have heard of him. In the 18th century, tickets were sold to allow the public to watch male prisoners sewing mailbags, which they decorated with petit point embroidery, and such was the demand to watch whipping sessions

involving half-naked female prisoners that a special viewing gallery had to be constructed. Tony. The first bit, they definitely sold tickets for people to go and watch the sewing of the whatever it was they were sewing. Mailbags. The mailbags. They definitely. They definitely.

They definitely do that. I know where you're going and then you're just going to say you're right. They didn't do that. They definitely didn't do that, no. Why would they do that? It's like the most boring show imaginable. Watch some men sew. You know, it might work on BBC Two.

But, Richard? So I wonder if the second bit is true about the viewing platforms and the female prisoners. Yes, that's the... Now, Tony, that's the sort of thing that might be true. It's what people want to... Now, there speaks a TV producer. It's what people want to see. Women being whipped, not men sewing.

Look at the internet. You'll have a horrible surprise, Tony. Yes, the whipping of semi-naked female prisoners at London's Bridewell Prison in the 18th century was so popular that a special public gallery was constructed for spectators. Till 1958, Greenland's largest prison was made out of ice, effectively a large igloo. It was closed down after its longest serving prisoner, Carl Franson, escaped using a hair dryer

his wife had smuggled into him, hidden in a birthday cake. Thank you, Clive. And at the end of that round, Clive, you've managed to smuggle one truth past the rest of the panel, which is that while locked up in fleet

prison, John Cleland worked on the country's first pornographic novel Fanny Hill. Here's a popular extract. He leads me down to the table and with a master hand lays my head down on the edge of it and with the other canting up my petticoats and shift

bears my naked posteriors to his blind and furious guide. Is that doing it for anyone? He had a guide dog with him. I thought you delivered it very well though. Thank you.

Well I do a lot of voiceovers for porn films. Anyway that means Clive you scored one point. Next up is Richard Osman. Richard recently took part in the Eurovision Song Contest. I should add that he was reading out the UK's voting results, not performing. Obviously, he wasn't the UK's singing entry,

as, well, we've heard of him. Your subject, Richard, is video or computer games, electronic games in which players control images on a screen. Off you go, Richard. Video games were invented in 1964 by Professor Jonathan Video Games. And were originally called Jonathans. Among the first video games were Pig Dog Horse, in which a pig, a dog and a horse would race across the screen

before the winner ate the two losers. Random Number Bonanza, in which alternating players were shown randomly generated numbers until one of them was shown the number 17. And Whatever Happened To My Hat, in which the object was defined a hat. generated numbers until one of them was shown the number 17, and whatever happened to my hat, in which the object was defined a hat? Tony. I'm breaking my rule here,

and I'm going for the first one, the pigs and the dogs. Pig-dog-horse. Big-dog-horse, because that's a game I would love to play. Well, I'm afraid you're going to have to invent it. Vicky. I'm going for the random number thing. The second one? Yeah, the second one, Tony's Rule.

Tony's Rule. No. What was the third one? It doesn't matter, just buzz and say the third one. The one with the hat. Whatever happened to my hat? Yeah. All so fictional.

We're like the crowd on the street and there's a three-card trick being done on us. We've all gone home without our wallets. I'd play all of them, though, would you not? Absolutely. It is fair to say that little has changed since then. Games recently in development include Mario vs Brexit, a Nintendo knitting pattern simulator,

which had to be abandoned after every single one of the games tested died during development, and Whatever Happened to My Hat, in which the object is to find what happened to Jay-Z's baseball cap. The most profitable video game of all time is, of course, Tetris, in which people remorselessly do something boring while waiting for the 1990s to start. The many spin-offs of Tetris include Petris, in which animal shapes replace the familiar blocks, Pauntris, in which phalluses and naked women descended the screen, Mattris,

set in the Ikea bed department, and Hattris, in which the object was to assemble a collection of hats. The original PC version of Tetris had several unique buttons. It featured a boss button, which instantly turned into a spreadsheet when your boss walked by, a cheat button, which played the game for you if you wanted to impress colleagues, and a monkey button, which summoned a magical monkey bearing a cup of tea. Tony.

Now, it's completely unfeasible that one of those couldn't be true. He got three through before. He hasn't said a lot of things that are true so far, so I am going that the first one of those couldn't be true. He got three through before. He hasn't said a lot of things that are true so far. So I am going that the first one of those, the boss button, is the truth. Correct. Brilliant. The most popular video game at the moment

is Grand Theft Otter, in which pensioners try to steal otters from a wildlife reservation. It's run a close second by Colonic the Hedgehog, in which players guide a hedgehog friend through their digestive tract. The best video game of all time is broadly agreed to be David Mitchell's Grammar Challenge, in which any player ending a sentence with a preposition is blasted into space by rubbing David's magic cannon. with a preposition, is blasted into space by rubbing David's magic cannon. All right.

The most famous car mechanic video game characters are Mario and his brother Luigi, who are famously portrayed on screen by the Chockel brothers. Tony. Well, Mario and Luigi, are they not the... Is that not the name of the Mario... I don't know what I'm talking about. Have you just heard some words you understand?

Look, he's just buzzing at familiarity. I know, I just know he's got a lot of truths coming up. So what do you think might be true? Can you...? Look, the most famous car mechanic video game characters are Mario and his brother Luigi. No, they're plumbers. Mario and Luigi are stepbrothers and fell out for several years when Luigi pulled out of a number of key games in the franchise

due to health and safety concerns about uncovered spinning metal blades and the diabolical road accident statistics in Mario Kart. Mario Kart 4 was the first game where Mario's hat was fully animated. Mario Kart 8 was the first time where Mario's hat was fully animated. Mario Kart 8 was the first time his moustache was fully animated. And the first time my son was fully animated was the day I confiscated his copy of Mario Kart 10. Clive, the moustache one, when it was first animated. We've just got to go crazily for random ones now.

Well, you're right. Of the few biographical details we know about Mario, he is 6'1", he has a degree in plumbing and maintenance from the University of New Jersey, his full name is Mario Mario, and his favourite food is mint viennetta. Tony. Well, he's a plumber, and you said he was a plumber earlier,

so I'm going with him having a plumbing qualification. Call me wacky, but that's what I'm going with. I'm sorry, wacky. He doesn't, as far as we know, have a degree in plumbing and maintenance from the University of New Jersey. All right, he's called Mario Mario. He is called Mario Mario.

And that's the end of Richard's lecture. And at the end of that round, Richard, you've managed to smuggle two truths past the rest of the panel, which are that in the 1980s, Nintendo developed a prototype of the Nintendo knitting machine. Nintendo's publicity pitch to suppliers reads, the Nintendo knitting machine is just one more example of the innovative thinking that keeps Nintendo on the cutting edge of video technology

and your customers on the edge of their seats. You see, David, I would have buzzed for that if you hadn't ridiculed me in the previous round for saying that nobody would watch people sewing. Well, let me tell you about this game. During its market research period, all seven of the test volunteers died of old age was abruptly cancelled okay that holds up your theory yeah and eat well the second truth is that hat tris is a spin-off of Tetris in which the object

was to assemble a collection of hats. And that means, Richard, you've scored two points. Researchers from the UK's Medical Research Council have revealed that following a traumatic event, playing Tetris actually reduces the victim's chances of suffering unpleasant psychological flashbacks. Unless, of course, that traumatic event was being buried under a collapsing wall of bricks. Which brings us to the final scores. In fourth place, with minus two points, we have

Tony Hawks. In third place, with minus one point, it's Richard Osman. And in joint first place, with nought points each, it's this week's winners, Vicky Pepperdine and Clive Anderson. That's about it for this week. Goodbye. The Unbelievable Truth was devised by John Nascar and Graham Garden

and featured David Mitchell in the chair with panellists Tony Hawkes, Richard Osman, Clive Anderson and Vicky Pepperdine. and graham garden and featured david mitchell in the chair with panelists tony hawks richard osmond clive anderson and mickey pepperdine the chairman's script was written by dan gaster and colin swash and the producer was john nason it was a random production for bbc radio 4