The Unbelievable Truth - 18x01 Sheep, Islands, Steve Jobs, Beans

Episode Date: February 18, 2022

18x01 3 April 2017 John Finnemore, Henning Wehn, Lou Sanders, Miles Jupp Sheep, Islands, Steve Jobs, Beans

We present The Unbelievable Truth, the panel game built on truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. Hello. built on truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. Hello and welcome to The Unbelievable Truth, the panel show about incredible truths and barely credible lies. I'm David Mitchell.

Tonight, our panellists will be attempting to spot the promises of Brexit in the vast referendum of lies. I'm joined by four of the hottest comedians in Britain. We really must sort out the air conditioning. Please welcome Miles Jupp, John Finnemore, Lou Sanders and Henning Vane. The rules are as follows. Each panellist will present a short lecture that should be entirely false, save for five hidden truths which their opponent should try to identify. Points are scored by truths that go unnoticed, while other panellists can win points if they spot a truth or lose points if they mistake a lie for a truth.

First up is John Finnemore. John is one of Britain's leading writers of radio comedy. He's so success... LAUGHTER Lou says, that's true, John. John is one of Britain's leading writers of radio comedy. He's so successful that soon he'll be able to stop working in Sainsbury's at weekends. John, your subject is sheep,

domesticated ruminant mammals that are kept in flocks for their wool and meat. Off you go, John. Fingers on buzzers, the rest of you. Sheep, man's most deadliest foe. Woman's third most deadliest foe. Woman's third most deadliest foe, after spiders and man. What do they want, these relentless, bloodthirsty, cyborg-killing machines? And more importantly, how can they be stopped?

They can't. Part of their success, of course, is down to their fiendish intelligence. It has been proved that sheep can count up to 21, operate specially modified submarines, and remember a human face for up to two years. Henning. They do, they can remember a human face for up to two years.

They can? You said that with what seemed like personal knowledge. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, I like going for a walk. You thought you'd got away with it. Holiday in the same part of Wales two years in a row. You're absolutely right. A 2001 paper in the science journal Nature, entitled Sheep Don't Forget a Face,

demonstrated that demonstrated that sheep can remember the faces of 50 different sheep and the face of their shepherd for over two years. It's always the one you trust most, isn't it? Sheep is not technically the name of the creature, but its

creator, Dr Victor Sheep is not technically the name of the creature, but its creator, Dr Victor Sheep. The animal should properly be known as Sheep's Monster. In 1801, President Thomas Jefferson commissioned Dr Sheep, who was one of 19th century America's leading cybernetics engineers, to build him a terrifying robot army to guard the White House. Dr Sheep built the early prototypes in his backyard and wrapped them in wool to keep the circuitry from freezing. It is not known

where he got the wool. Jefferson was delighted with the result, but Dr. Sheep made two fatal mistakes. He taught the sheep how to reproduce, and he taught them how to hate. It wasn't long before one of President Jefferson's White House sheep actually

committed a murder, and once they tasted blood, there was no looking back. They swiftly captured the White House, and before long, a vast army of sheep in full battle dress were marching on Canada. The Overn Canadian War was short, but bloody. Canadian

soldiers, of course, are not allowed to carry guns. And during the war... Lou. Is that true? Could that be true? That Canadian soldiers aren't allowed to carry guns. The way you're saying it is making me think I made a mistake. I think if you think about it in terms of... I've just thought about it and I want to retract...

I want to retract the buzzer, please. You can't retract it. You're on record as saying that the Canadian army is unarmed. Yeah, but they're such a lovely people. They're so nice. They might just try other ways, like trying to appeal to people's better instincts. I'm sure they do.

But no, they are allowed guns. Well, I say that they're not allowed guns. And therefore, during the war, they tried attacking the uniformed sheep with poisoned darts. Soon, Canada fell, and there are now 500 times as many sheep in Canada as people. The current mayor of Winnipeg is a black-faced ram named Mr Politics.

Miles. I very much hope that this is true. Or it's something they would consider in the future. So that it will be true on a repeat. It's not. The mayor of Winnipeg is called Brian Bowman. What sort of animal

is he? I believe he's a human. But on rare occasions, humans are still able to dominate the woolly menace. Spain is famous for its deadly sheep fighting contests. Then there's the savage beauty of the annual running of the

sheep in Madrid, when the roads are closed and thousands of sheep are released into the streets, chasing down the young men of the city and devouring those they catch. And in captivity, sheep are always the young men of the city and devouring those they catch. And in captivity, sheep are always the biggest draw of any zoo or circus. A popular attraction in Copenhagen's Tivoli Gardens is a maze into which a sheep is placed

and punters bet on where it will come out. Little tip for you, next time you're there, sheep in mazes tend to go left. Oh, that's true! Henning. Closely followed by Lou, I think. Some of this has to be true. I know.

I say sheep are the most popular animals in zoos. Because I have... I have never been to a zoo where there wasn't a sheep. I have. never been to a zoo where there wasn't a sheep. I have. No, I'm afraid sheep are not the most popular animal

in zoos. For me, they are. Lou. They like to turn left, naturally. That's true, I read that. It is true. Thank you. Correct. Thank you. A 2013 study of the turning preferences of 309 white-faced youths in an artificially lit maze.

It's amazing what you can get funding for, isn't it? Discovered that around 65% of the youths turned left at the first opportunity and the majority of those which initially turned right would take the next available left. Were they going individually, or were they going as a group? If they conducted the survey as a group, then they're all... They're like sheep, aren't they?

Yeah. So I'm assuming they did it one by one. In 1904, the star attraction of Ricard's Museum of Living Curiosities was Gog Magog, a sheep born with two heads, two tails, eight legs and two bodies. Henning.

Now, obviously, you would be saying, oh, that isn't worth looking at, but if I'd been there, I would definitely have stared at that sheep with the two heads. And the two bodies. And the two bodies. And the eight legs. Yeah, eight legs he did have. And the two tails. Yeah two eggs and the two bodies and the two bodies and the eight legs yeah eight legs and the two tails yeah it was actually two sheep yeah so i'm afraid you don't you don't get a point henning but you get the satisfaction of having ruined john's punch

that'll do for me. Here it comes nonetheless. This astonishing creature toured the Midwest of the United States for decades until eventually it died in 1928 and 1934. Thank you, John. And at the end of that round, John, you've managed to smuggle three truths past the rest of that round, John, you've managed to smuggle three truths past the rest of the panel,

which are that one of President Jefferson's White House sheep committed a murder. Whilst serving as president, Jefferson kept an incredibly territorial Shetland ram on the White House lawn. The ram was so aggressive that it attacked several people who had taken shortcuts across the square and went on to kill a young boy. That's, you know, that's the lightning death of a child moment that we insist in all Radio 4 comments. The second truth is that during the war, the

Canadians tried attacking uniformed sheep with poison darts. During the Second World War on an isolated island 35 miles from Quebec, Canada tested killer poison darts. During the Second World War on an isolated island 35 miles from Quebec, Canada tested killer poison darts on sheep dressed in military uniform. Why they bothered to dress the sheep up is not clear. And the third truth is that in Madrid, thousands of sheep are released into the streets every year during the Fiesta de la Transhumanquia. The tradition began as an ancient agricultural practice of moving sheep from one field to another to prevent overgrazing. And then presumably someone built Madrid in the way. And that means, John, at the end of that round,

you've scored three points. OK, we turn now to Henning Vein. Henning, your subject is islands. Any area of land smaller than a continent that is entirely surrounded by water. Off you go, Henning. Islands were invented by Jesus. When he smashed up Pangea in a fit of rage

in the year 2 million before himself. in a fit of rage in the year 2 million before himself. Once he'd calmed down, he spent all day hoovering. But there were still some bits he couldn't get up. Today, these bits are known as islands. But seriously. All islands are created either by volcanoes or by fly tipping.

According to the United Nations, an island is defined as a piece of land that is surrounded on no more than four sides by the sea and is home to at least one sheep. There is nowhere as fun as the Isle of Wight, where smoking in pubs is still compulsory. And the Isle of Man is frequently described

as forward-thinking and socially progressive, despite its annual dung-eating contest. And it's... Miles. The Isle of Man is socially progressive. It is. It's one of the very few places in the UK where you can have homosexual weddings in a church

that legally stand. I think that's quite progressive, David. You may disagree. You may think it's evil. No, I didn't know that. Personally, I think it's progressive. This is not something I knew. In the Isle of Man you can have a gay wedding in a church.

It's funny because it's called the Isle of Man, which sounds a little bit... Oh yeah, it's probably just a marketing thing. So, how cynical. Well, what of the dung? Wasn't there a part of the eating dung? Would you like to buzz for the dung? Well, yeah, because you just looked down at your paper

and I think that... I'm going dung. No, the dung isn't true. If you think about it, it was annual dung-eating contest. If you think about it, that's quite unlikely, really. You'd have it once every six months, wouldn't you? It was, in fact, the first place in the world to give women the vote. And this the male population regretted

when the island returned a kitten to Parliament. And the Shetland Islands, which the Scandinavians pawned in 1469 and could theoretically buy back for as little as £1 million. Miles. Yeah, a lot of those islands, Shetland and Orkney, did used to be Scandinavian. Yeah, it's true that the Shetland Islands were pawned by the Scandinavians in 1469.

King Christian I of Denmark and Norway was struggling to pay his daughter Margaret's dowry following her engagement to James III of Scotland in 1468. However, as he was king of his people rather than his land, he had no assets to sell apart from his personal interests in Orkney and Shetland. Why isn't there a film of this? He therefore...

I think the Phantom Menace was loosely based on it. He therefore pawned these to the King of the Scots to raise the money. The deal was he could redeem both Shetland and Orkney for a fixed sum of £5,090 of silver, now worth about a million pounds. So you were bang on. Accessibility has never been a concern for the British Empire. Pitcairn, Tristan, Acuna and Ascension are so remote

that only towns on the Southern Rail network are more arduous to get to. Pitcairn Island became British after Mel Gibson took over a ship full of bounty bars during a manic episode. Any bias? And during the 19th century, the natives of Vanuatu's Alofi Island were eaten by the people of neighbouring Futuna Island. The Futunans weren't even very hungry. was Alofi Island, were eaten by the people of neighbouring Futuna Island. The Futunans weren't even very hungry. It was just that the Alofis were right in front of them and quite Moorish. Now, with this bizarre incident in mind,

it shouldn't come as a surprise that on Vanuatu today, islanders have gone so mad, they think the Duke of Edinburgh is the Messiah. You couldn't make it up. Miles. I think that is true. Duke of Edinburgh is worshipped by, well, by all of us. I mean, what a, you know...

What a character. He is there. He's worshipped, isn't he? He is. This is absolutely true. Followers of Vanuatu's Prince Philip movement believe the Duke is descended from one of their spirit ancestors He is said to be the son of a mountain spirit with pale skin who wandered the seas searching for a powerful woman to marry Island life, which usually means having nothing to do all day

makes you focus As a result, St Lucia has the greatest number of Nobel Prize winners per head of population Leo Tolstoy wrote War and Peace when he was on St Lucia on an all-you-can-eat saga holiday. And I came up with this lecture while on Jersey, waiting for my accountant to finish a meeting with Jimmy Carr, Gary Barno and David Beckham. Thank you, Henning.

And at the end of that round, Henning, you've managed to smuggle three truths past the rest of the panel, which are that the Isle of Man, more progressive facts about the Isle of Man, because it was the first place in the world to give women the vote. 37 years before the opportunity was given to women in the UK.

The second truth is that during the 19th century, the natives of Vanuatu's Alofi Island were eaten by the people of neighbouring Futuna Island. The population of Alofi was reportedly eaten by the cannibal people of Futuna in one single raid in the 19th century. And the third truth is that St Lucia has the greatest number of Nobel Prize winners per head of population. It is two.

They've won two Nobel Prizes from a population of 144,000. And that means, Henning, you've scored three points. Next up is Lou Sanders. Lou, your subject is Steve Jobs, the co-founder, chairman and CEO of Apple, known for pioneering the iPhone, iPod and Macintosh computers. Off you go, Lou. Steve Jobs, the co-founder, chairman and CEO of Apple, known for pioneering the iPhone, iPod and Macintosh computers. Off you go, Lou. Steve Jobs.

Steve insisted that everyone in the office call him Daddy, which is ironic, because for years he tried to pretend that his own kid didn't exist. At parties, he would whip out his banjo and serenade everyone with his poetry that he had set to a samba beat. No-one enjoyed this. He used to annoy his co-workers by singing...

And in one job at Atari, he was moved to the night shift because co-workers complained about his personal hygiene. Henning. Did they stick him on the night shift? They did stick him on the night shift. Jobs' official biographer, Walter Isaacson, revealed that the future Apple CEO was the subject of complaints from his co-workers,

while at Atari, as he rarely bathed and refused to wear shoes in the office, and he was moved to the night shift as a result. Steve Jobs made his own kids eat cheap white breads at one end of the table, and he would sit at the other, eating organic puddings. Oh, Steve loved organic puddings. Henning.

Yes, he did like organic puddings and he has had an illegitimate child. The illegitimate child was ages ago in the lecture. You've had ages to think about that. Yeah, that's what he said in court and he wasn't good enough back then. Nid oedd yn dda o hyd yn oed. Yn unig, roedd hi'n rhy ddewis yn y leitio am i chi ddod i'r cyfnod. Felly, er bod yn wir, nid ydych chi'n gallu cael pwynt.

Dyma'r ffordd yma. Ac rwy'n mynd i'ch ddod i'r cyfnod am ymgyrchu â'r cyhoedd. No, no, that is the law. And I'm going to dock you a point for appealing to the crowd. But it is true that Steve Jobs denied he was father to his first child, Lisa, claiming he was sterile, even after a DNA paternity test established him as the father. Your second point, you also lose a point, because he didn't love organic puddings. Continue.

Okay. Steve often drank straight from the toilet bowl. This was to save time. And he would often stick his feet in the toilet to relieve stress. His co-workers weren't into this vibe, especially the ones his feet in the toilet to relieve stress. His co-workers weren't into this vibe, especially the ones who were using the toilet at the time. Steve hated any public displays of affection,

and in fact, touching people generally. So if he greeted someone, he would shake their hands with tissue wrapped around his paw like a little mummy hand. Steve would taunt the homeless people on his street by singing I'm rich, I'm rich, beyond my wildest dreams and eating caviar with a spatula.

Henning. Well he sounds nuts enough to to shake someone's hand only with some tissue. When you say he sounds nuts enough to shake someone's hand. When you say he sounds nuts enough, are you building that picture from other things that aren't true? That might have influenced my opinion on the man. The kind of guy that would drink from the toilet bowl

sounds like the kind of guy who would eat caviar from a spatula. This is all beginning to add up. Sorry, what do you think? It is though, isn't it? It really is. Yeah, he sounds like a real weirdo. Yeah. What do you think is true? The lot. No, that he was shaking someone's hand, wearing tissue paper or something.

That one. The shaking hand with tissue paper wrapped round it. He is the sort of guy... That's what you're going with? Yeah. Yeah. No. That's not true.

He shook people's hands normally. When Steve became the CEO of Apple, he stopped all the philanthropic programmes. John. Did he stop all the philanthropic programmes. John? Did he stop all the philanthropic programmes? He did, yes. When Jobs became CEO of Apple in 1997, he ended all the company's philanthropic programmes

to save the then near-bankrupt company. However, it would appear that the programmes were never reinstated, although his widow has revealed he privately donated large sums to charitable causes. Steve had such a hatred of bad visuals that once he shouted at his kid for drawing a really rubbish picture of a cat. He was so obsessed with the quality of design that in a hospital bed he refused to wear his oxygen mask because it looked really rubbish. Steve hated penguins. And he tried to start a national campaign to get them banned across America, but it didn't quite take off

because most people feel quite positive towards penguins or, at the least, ambivalent. Thank you, Lou. At the end of that round, Lou, you've managed to smuggle three truths past the rest of the panel. One is the truth about his illegitimate child that he denied, which Henning spotted too late. The second truth was that Jobs would often stick his feet in the toilet

to relieve stress. According to his authorised biography, in the early days at Apple, Jobs would often disappear into the company toilets and soak his bare feet in the toilet water to relax. And the third truth is that after receiving a liver transplant in 2009, Jobs tore off his oxygen mask, saying he hated the mask's design and wouldn't wear it. Though barely able to speak, he ordered staff to bring five different options so he could pick a design he liked. And that means, Lou, you've scored three points.

That means, Lou, you've scored three points. Next up is Miles Jupp. Your subject, Miles, is beans. Edible seeds, typically kidney-shaped, growing in long pods on certain leguminous plants. Off you go, Miles. One of the absolute rarest forms of bean is the so-called baked bean, which grow in cylindrical, often blue, pods,

made entirely of tin and thrive in an atmosphere of sugar, salt and tomato sauce. Originally invented by American Indians, the original recipe for baked beans involved them being cooked in bear fat by flamboyant chefs. John? Were baked beans invented by Native Americans? They were indeed. In fact, more than that, the original recipe involved them being

cooked in bear fat. Beans were introduced to this country by a gentleman named Johann Javier Hines, who marketed them as an instant cure for sufferers, usually men, of impotence. Generally, he advised sufferers to avoid the version that contains little sausages, because that would only be seen as adding insult

to injury. Such was Johann's attention to quality control that now, as then, every Heinz baked bean is passed through a laser beam to check it's the right colour. John. Are they... This is going to make me sound like such an idiot. Are they passed through lasers to check their colour? They are passed through lasers to check their colour.

Wow! The phrase, to spill the beans, comes from the Egyptians, who would ensure a secret message was kept secret by filling the messenger's mouth with dried beans, so that when he delivered it, he would first have to spill the beans to show he hadn't spoken to anyone else en route. Lou. That smacks of the truth.

It's not true. No, the expression, spilling the beans probably derives from an ancient Greek system for voting new members into a club, which involved secretly placing coloured beans into opaque jars. This system was later replaced by the technique of sending a bag with a cat in it. The phrase silent but deadly is also bean-related. Deriving, as it very much does,

from the stealthy KGB assassins of the 1970s who used deadly bean juice to eliminate their targets via a range of poison-tipped umbrellas. Quite a large range. In fact, there were 57 varieties. John. Was the poison that they used on the umbrellas derived from beans? Yes. In fact, there were 57 varieties. John? Was the poison that they used on the umbrellas derived from beans? Yes.

Yes. Yes. With the help of the KGB, Bulgarian secret police shot a defector, Georgi Markov, in 1978 with a ricin pellet via a modified umbrella. Ricin is derived from the seeds of the castor oil plant known as castor beans. One milligram of ricin can kill an adult. The Mexican jumping bean is the only true vegetable capable of independent movement.

It can jump to a height of over 20 feet, which is of some concern to President Trump's wall builders. height of over 20 feet, which is of some concern to President Trump's wall builders. In the past, beans have been used to power Volkswagen's Scirocco sports coupe, light up the Christmas illuminations at Tierra del Fuego, and provide up to eight hours constant heat to a king-size 12.5-tog microfibre duvet, much to the disgust of the other occupant. Henning. They tried to make a car run on beans. Yes, they tried to make Volkswagen's Scirocco sports coupe run

on coffee beans in 2010, nicknamed the Carpacino. It was driven from London to Manchester, doing a maximum speed of 50 miles an hour. The journey cost around £900 in coffee beans and the car needed to be refuelled every 60 miles. It's a bit cheaper than Virgin, isn't it?

Perhaps my favourite bean of all is Mr Bean, a serialised drama depicting the harrowing struggles of a gentleman with learning difficulties... LAUGHTER depicting the harrowing struggles of a gentleman with learning difficulties... LAUGHTER ..who suffers due to successive government's failure to supply adequate health and social care provision. It's directed by Ken Loach, with a haunting theme tune sung by former Shadow Business Secretary Chaka Umarna.

Thank you, Miles. And at the end of that round, Miles, you've managed to smuggle one truth past the rest of the panel, which is that the Mr Bean theme tune was sung by former Shadow Business Secretary Chuka Umunna. The Labour MP was one of the choir boys of Southwark Cathedral who sang the Mr Bean theme tune, so it isn't a solo. And that means, Miles, you've scored one point.

According to a biographer Ludwig van Beethoven always counted out 60 beans per cup when he prepared his coffee. When asked near the end of his life why 60 buy 60 beans. His reply was simple. Pardon? Which brings us to the final scores. In joint third place with minus two points each, it's Henning Vein and Lou Sanders. In second place with minus one point, it's Miles Jupp. And in first place, with an unassailable five points, it's this week's winner, John Finnemore.

That's about it for this week. Goodbye. The Unbelievable Truth was devised by John Naismith and Graham Garden and featured David Mitchell in the chair, with panellists John Finnnamore, Miles Jopp, Lou Sanders and Henning Vein. The chairman's script was written by Dan Gaster and Colin Swash, and the producer was John Naismith. It was a random production for BBC Radio 4.