The Unbelievable Truth - 18x02 Names, Germany, Secrets, Nudity

Episode Date: February 18, 2022

18x02 10 April 2017 John Finnemore, Henning Wehn, Lou Sanders, Miles Jupp Names, Germany, Secrets, Nudity

We present The Unbelievable Truth, the panel game built on truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. Hello and welcome to The Unbelievable Truth, the panel show about incredible truth and barely credible lies. I'm David Mitchell. Tonight's panel arrived in good time, having embraced the cheapness and convenience of Britain's online minicab services. All except for one of our guests, Henning Veen,

for whom it'll always be Deutschland's Uber, Uber Alice. Please welcome Miles Jupp, John Finnamore, Lou Sanders and Henning Weyn. The rules are as follows. Each panellist will present a short lecture that should be entirely false, save for five hidden truths which their opponent should try to identify. Points are scored by truths that go unnoticed, while other panellists can win points if they spot a truth, or lose points if they mistake a lie for a truth. First up is John Finnemore. John is one of Britain's leading writers of comedy on Radio 4, and he lives a lifestyle to match, although he'd love to have an inside toilet. John, your subject is names, a word or combination of words by which a personal thing is known, addressed or referred to. Off you go, John. Fingers on buzzers, the rest of you.

Names. We all have ten or eleven of them, and most of us change them every day. But the question remains, what are some facts about them? Well, tonight I can answer that question. This are. For instance, my middle name is Carol. No child has been named Derek since 1972. David Mitchell's middle name is Danger.

The name of the rose in the book, the name of the rose is Ronnie the Rose. Misleading names include Japanese Rock Band, which is another name for the King Cobra, the King Cobra, which is slang for the head boy at Abingdon Boys School, and Abingdon Boys School,

which is a Japanese rock band. There is Henning. Say that again the last one. What is that rock band supposedly called? Abingdon Boys School. Yeah, they've got that in Japan. It's big in Japan. You're right. Yeah, I thought, long word, long word, no R's in it, so possible. Yeah, there is indeed a Japanese rock band called Abingdon Boys School.

They apparently wear school uniforms. Other names of Japanese rock bands include Seagull Screaming Kiss Her Kiss Her and Mass of the Fermenting Dregs. There is no surer route to finding new friends and sexual partners than telling people anagrams you've made up of their names. David Mitchell is an anagram of detached helmet. Miles Jump is an anagram of the first nine digits of pie. Henning Veen is an anagram of chickens away, but only in German.

And there is no anagram of Lou Sanders. Well, there is one, but I'm afraid it's slanderous. The actor Clark Gable changed his name. Miles got there first. That is an anagram of Lou Sanders. What is? Yes. Slanderous.

Oh, I should have known that. Do you know, in my head, I was like, yeah, that's true, and I didn't press a buzzer. When you pressed a buzzer, it gave me an idea. Well, yes, you're absolutely right, Miles. Slanderous is the only single-word anagram of Lou Sanders. And I've done that on the internet. Other anagrams of Lou Sanders, in case you're interested, Lou,

are around less, sensualual rod unreal sods ears unsold and anus resold so that's the next five Edinburgh shows sort of lovely the actor Clark Gable changed his name from Clarence Gumbel John Wayne was born Marilyn Monroe,

and Julie Andrews was... Lou. The first one. What was the first one? That Clark Gable was originally called Clarence Gumbel. No. Miles. I think the next one's going to be true.

The next one. So sorry. Yeah, I risked half a point as well on that one. No, no, no, no, there's no half a point. You can't buy shares in someone else's bus. No, if the next one's true, Miles gets a point. Feeling lucky, Miles? It's Julie Andrews.

It's what Julie Andrews' original name was. I've said that Julie Andrews was originally called Borlax the Dread, Eater of Galaxies. But changed her name when she became an actor because Equity already had one. I'm afraid to say, Miles, that's not true.

Julie Andrews was born Julia Elizabeth Wells. Oh, gosh, that's not true. Julie Andrews was born Julia Elizabeth Wells. Oh, gosh. It's actually a much more common-sounding name than all acts of dread, actually. Nevertheless, I've excited myself with this new style of play and I'm going to start doing predictive truth when I think people start getting a sort of truthful glint in their eye.

The band Aerosmith are so called because they met whilst working in a chocolate factory. Oasis were named after a leisure centre in Swindon, and the Doors are named after Jim Morrison's favourite bits of a car. Lou. I think the Oasis thing may be true. It is true. Yes.

Yeah. Yes, whilst working as a guitar techie for Inspiral Carpets, Noel Gallagher brought his brother Liam along to a gig in Swindon. Liam noticed the name of the town's leisure centre, the Oasis Centre, and thought it would be a good name for their band, which was then called The Rain. Miles. Truth in the next 25 words. This is a departure.

I'm going to have to count words. I'll try and do it in my head. OK, off you go, John. In this country, the corpulent William IV was known as Sixtin as Billy, the frail Richard III was known as Dick the Sick, and the innumerate Charles II... No. And the innumerate Charles II

was known as Charles III. The city of Richmond in California is named after the city of Richmond in Virginia, which is named after Richmond in Surrey, which was named after Richmond in Yorkshire, which was named after Richmond in Yorkshire, which was named after Richemont in France, which is thought to be named after a mound belonging to a guy called Rich.

Kenny? Well, that Richmond's in America named after the one in Surrey, that's plausible. It is plausible and it's true. In fact, the whole thing... The whole chain is true. It can't be. It is plausible and it's true. Woo! In fact, the whole thing... The whole chain is true. It can't be.

It is. Richmond in California was named in 1854 by Edmund Randolph after his hometown, Richmond, Virginia. Richmond, Virginia was founded by British planter William Byrd II in 1737 and named by him after Richmond, Surrey, because the view of the river reminded him of it. Richmond Palace in Surrey was built by Henry VII, who before seizing the crown from Richard III

was Earl of Richmond in Yorkshire. Richmond in Yorkshire was thus named when Alan Rufus, Lord of Richemont in Normandy, was granted a fiefdom in Yorkshire by William the Conqueror and built Richmond Castle. The etymology of Richemont is thought to be the Hill of Richard. Miles. Truth within the next page.

No, too much. Next page, too much. OK. You're destroying something that millions of people enjoy, Miles. That's the second time I've done it on Radio 4. Although only once wittingly. John. A New Zealand couple were prosecuted for naming their twin daughters Jane and Not Jane.

Miles. But it's true. No, it isn't. However, they were fined $500 and ordered to change the girl's name. This was done and the sisters are now known as Diana and not Jane. Thank you, John. And at the end of that round, John, you've managed to smuggle just one truth past the rest of the panel,

which is that Charles II was known as Charles III. Nell Gwynne called Charles II Charles III because she'd already had two lovers called Charles. Another interesting fact about that is that that truth came five words after the 25-word limit. In many ways, it's a better system to listen and see what you think. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Why not just let the format stagnate, David?

That's very much the principle by which the whole radio station has long been run. by which the whole radio station has long been run. And that means, John, you've scored one point. Next up is Henning Weyn. Henning has been a regular on this show since it started, but this is his last series before Theresa May has enforceably ejected and repatriated of Germany. Henning, your subject is Germany, a Central European German-speaking country

known for its beer halls, Oktoberfest and bratwurst. Off you go, Henning. And, of course, we can't talk about German history without mentioning the elephant in the room. Keef. König Ludwig II had an elephant called Keith... LAUGHTER ..who sat in his bathroom and passed him cigars.

Well, I'm glad we got that embarrassing chapter out of the way. It was a long time ago and there is no point holding a grudge. Apart from this blip, Germany is, was and always will be the greatest and friendliest country on Earth, the universe and in any alternative parallel universe. People in Germany have a higher IQ than anyone else. Lou. I think that is true.

It is true. Yes. Yes. According to... Glamourly obvious, innit? According to Richard Lynn of the University of Ulster, Germans have an average IQ of 107, the highest in Europe. Brits are in eighth place with a score of 100.

The Brits were also beaten by the Netherlands, Poland, Sweden, Italy, Austria and Switzerland. And that's just the football. Ha, ha, ha, Italy, Austria and Switzerland. And that's just the football. Today, Germany has a host of comedic characters known by other names elsewhere, including Mickey Mouse, who is known as Herr Vermin. Andy Kemp is Willy Wecker. Laurel and Hardy are known as Fat and Stupid.

John? I know this one. Dick und Dum? Dick und Doof. Dick und Doof, Fat and Stupid. Yes, you're right. Yes, Lauren and Hardy are known as Fat and Stupid, or Dick und Doof in Germany. As well as being very welcoming to Muslims and Jedi Knights,

Germany invented Christianity and all other religions. Further proof of the pious nature of the German people is the fact the all-time fastest-selling Playmobil figure is Martin Luther. Since he was founded, Germany has worked hard to ensure equality, peace and prosperity, only occasionally interrupted by unprovoked foreign aggression. Hang on, I do think the Lego thing's true. The Lego thing. The Playmobil. Yeah, yeah, that one.

The fastest-selling figure was Martin Luther. Yeah. Yes, the figure, dressed in 16th-century academic robes and equipped with quill and German-language Bible, sold out its first run of 34,000 within 72 hours. The fastest-selling Playmobil character of all time. And I've still got them all. Unlike Britain and its closest allies,

Germany always picks its leaders carefully. We give leadership to the person with the best exam results, or in the event of a tie, whoever can lose a game of Risk graciously. That would not be a bad system. Being an orderly people,

momentous things always happen on the same day in Germany, November 9th. The abdication of the Kaiser in 1918, the Munich Beer Hall putsch in 1923, and in hindsight, fairly ill-advised Reichskristallnacht in 1938, all happened on November 9th. If this wasn't bad enough, in 1987, it was the day the Berlin Wall collapsed due to shoddy communist workmanship. Unleashing a deluge of highly skilled Eastern European plumbers to Britain. Thank you, Henning. At the end of that round, Henning,

you've managed to smuggle two truths past the rest of the panel, which are that in Germany, Andy Capp is known as Willi Wacker. And the second truth is that the 9th of November is a significant day because it's the day the Kaiser abdicated in 1918, the day the Munich Beer Hall Putsch happened in 1923, the day Kristallnacht happened in 1918, the day the Munich Beer Hall Putsch happened in 1923, the day Kristallnacht happened in 1938, and also the day the Berlin Wall fell in 1989, not 1987. And that means, Henning, you've scored two points. In German, dogging means to go jogging with your dog, which I have to admit

is what I thought it meant here. It certainly prompted quite a reaction to my Tinder profile. The German word for contraceptive is Schwangerschaftsverhütungsschmittel. Isch. Isch. Give me a reading of it. Schwangerschaftsverhütungsschmittel. That's more or less what I said.

That's what I said. The German word for contraceptive is... Schwangerschaftsverhütungsmittel. As in, do you have any... Schwangerschaftsverhütungsmittel. Oops, too late. Next up. Next up is Lou Sanders.

Lou, your subject is secrets. Information known by only one or a small group of people that is kept or meant to be kept unknown or unseen by others. Off you go, Lou. Secrets. In World War II, British secret agents tried to spike Hitler's food with female hormones to change him into a woman. As it happens, the hormones were always detected

by his faithful food taster, Marlon Dietrich, as he was known then. The Queen Mother once turned up unannounced to watch his top-secret rehearsal of her own funeral. She was lucky to get out alive. John. Yes, I'll buy that. Did was lucky to get out alive. John? Yes, I'll buy that. Did she?

She did, yes. Yes, rehearsals for the Queen Mother's funeral took place every six months for decades before her death. I mean, that's a pretty heavy hint, isn't it? Abraham Lincoln established the American... Why can't I read my own writing? Start this again. Abraham Lincoln established that American... Why can't I read my own writing? Start this again. Abraham Lincoln established that the American Secret Service... That's because it doesn't make sense.

This doesn't make sense. There are many. Abraham Lincoln established that the American... You're saying a that that isn't there. That's what's spoiling it. If you put a random word in a sentence, it can destroy the sense, like spider. Abraham Lincoln established spider.

Try it without saying spider. To be fair to me, I'm a very good dancer. John? I think she's a very good dancer. I am. Abraham Lincoln established the American Secret Service on the day that he was shot. That is what it...

OK, sorry, one more time, one more time. Yes, it's true. It is true that Abraham Lincoln established the American Secret Service on the day he was shot. See, it's not that hard. The one show had an MI6 spy talking very earnestly about his secret operations, but because of the heat from the lights in the studio,

his fake moustache slowly kind of slipped off his face. John? I want that to be true, so I'm buzzing that it is. It is true. What a powerful buzzer I had. The first ever British spy to purposely appear as such on TV had his false moustache fall off during filming. BBC journalist Justin Rowlatt was interviewing

the veteran Secret Service operative from MI6, identified only as John, for the one show. Rowlatt said to him, John, the old moustache is coming off. He said, oh, God, I thought that might happen. I'll take it off completely. That's insane, isn't it? It's not like Justin Rowlatt knew what he looked like without a moustache.

What's the point? Now, for some science news. Scientists in Japan are trying to make an invisibility cloak, but there's a prankster in the office and she keeps pretending it's working when it's not, so it's taking more time than they would like. Miles. I think they are trying to develop an invisibility cloak.

Well, now this is an interesting one, because this is certainly something that Lou made up, but it turns out also to be true. Yes, so it's an inadvertent truth. Lou, you don't lose a point, but Miles gets one. Using what they call retro-reflective projection technology,

scientists at Tokyo University are trying to develop such a cloak. And it's Japan! Yes, and it's Japan. I think I'm psychic. But the main guy who's leading it, called Brian Adams, not that one, he keeps getting told it's impossible, and he says, hey, that's what people said about the aeroplane. But eventually...

Miles. Well, it's not that one. No. This is interesting because it's also not not that one. Right. Because while it was true they are developing it in Japan, it is not true that it's led by someone called Brian Adams. Yeah, but if it were, it wouldn't be that one, would it?

No. See, you're on another point, Miles. No, no, no, I mean, not if it's any trouble, David. No, all right. No, it might be easier for you if I just go out and die by the bins. It's unfortunately true that whichever Brian Adams you're thinking of, it's not that one. So it is an inadvertent truth.

So another point to Miles. In 2009, a study of 3,000 women revealed that the average amount of time a woman can keep a secret is 47 hours and 15 minutes. That's a top secret bit of research that I only heard about 48 hours ago. Thank you, Lou. And at the end of that round, Lou,

you've managed to smuggle two truths past the rest of the panel, which are that British secret agents tried to spike Hitler's food with female hormones to change him into a woman. Allied agents planned to smuggle doses of oestrogen into Hitler's food to make him less aggressive and more docile,

like his younger sister Paula, who worked as a secretary. It says here. And the second truth is that a 2009 study of 3,000 women revealed that the average amount of time a woman could keep a secret is 47 hours and 15 minutes. And that means, Lou, you've scored two points. And that means, Lou, you've scored two points. Next up is Miles Jupp. Miles, your subject is nudity, the state or fact of being nude. Off you go, Miles. Well, it seems particularly appropriate for me to discuss the subject of nudity this evening,

attired as I am, which is to say not attired at all. When taking part in a Radio 4 panel show, I now, in order to stave off the inevitable boredom and crippling sense of déjà vu, contractually insist on being entirely au naturel. And the audience, several of whom are only human, are always delighted. What a treat it is for anyone to see my highly unusual meat and three veg. Lou. I think it is a treat for everyone to see your meat and three veg. David, a ruling.

We can go behind the curtain if you're shy. I don't know how you can say that. Miles is not, in fact, completely nude, and so we don't know whether or not it would be a treat for anyone or everyone. Fine, out, fine, out. Well, Miles has got nothing to gain from taking his trousers off now,

because if we found... If we... If we found what we saw delightful, he'd lose a point. No, this is true. He does have the satisfaction of three bollocks, though. I mean... LAUGHTER The satisfaction of three bollocks.

I think I might call my collection of poetry. LAUGHTER I think I might call my collection of poetry. To qualify for a Dutch passport, you have to demonstrate your open-mindedness by watching a video showing nudes on the beach. You also have to identify three varieties of tulip, make a working model of a windmill, and slur slightly. Henning.

You have to watch a video.. You have to watch a video. You do have to watch a video, yes. Applicants for a Dutch passport are required to watch a two-hour film featuring nude beaches and a gay kiss and is meant to test the readiness of would-be immigrants to the Netherlands to participate in liberal Dutch culture. The test, the first of its kind in the world, became compulsory in 2006. It's one hell of an excuse, isn't it?

Now, darling, I can explain. I'm thinking of moving to Holland. Britain's greatest contributions to both nudity and to cinema are in fact one and the same thing. The film The Full Monty, a title that translates poorly into other languages. In Taiwan, it was known as They Came Naked From The North. poorly into other languages. In Taiwan, it was known as they came naked from the north. In Portugal, as the bumping men of the labour exchange.

In China, as the six naked pigs. And in Sri Lanka, as Indiana Jones and the Temple of Winky. John? It's got to be one of them. I'm going to go with China. You're right. It's China. The Full Monty was translated in northern China as The Six Naked Pigs. Perry Wu, the man responsible for renaming English-language films for the Chinese market, explains that Western titles

are considered too boring and require pepping up. Hence, Oliver Twist became Child in Foggy City. And The English patient became Do Not Ask Me Who I Am Ever. That is way better. Some names come from concepts associated with nudity, including old-fashioned English surnames like bosomy, fleshpole and half-naked. Although not my own

surname, Jupp, which is an old Belgian word meaning semi-erect and is thus not connected with the subject in any way. In 2007, to raise money for Comic Relief, the cast of The Archers recorded an episode entirely in the nude. At the end of the recording, listeners

believed they heard a round of applause, but it was only the cast sitting down. Luke? I doubt in it now, but I thought it was true, but then I thought it wasn't true. But I've buzzed in. Well, I mean, you've come to the right conclusion in the end. But, yes. Fans of the football game Sabutio can now buy male and female

streakers to add to their sets. Henny. That's true. It is true. Welcome to the final scene on that. Yes, Sabutio World, a table football shop in Wales, sells three-quarter-inch high models of male and female streakers accompanied by chasing policemen.

Nudity has a major role to play in science. The British Medical Journal once reported a series of experiments to find out if farting on a petri dish created bacterial growth and concluded that it did, but only if the farter was naked. For all I can... Yes. Yes, it's a big yes from me. That's absolutely true. Yes. Yes, the experiment conducted by microbiologists

featured a tester farting at a distance of five centimetres onto two petri dishes. First fully clothed, the second with pants and trousers down. Overnight, the second petri dish sprouted visible lumps of two types of bacteria, and no such bacteria appeared on the first petri dish, suggesting that clothing acts as a sort of filter. All I can say is that as an impoverished student,

I was just happy for the 20 quid. And that's the end of Miles' lecture. And at the end of that round, Miles, you've managed to smuggle one truth past the end of that round, Miles, you've managed to smuggle one truth past the rest of the panel, which is that half-naked is an old-fashioned English surname. Other strange medieval surnames include crackpot,

sweat-in-bed, drunkard, and gilden bollocks. And that means, Miles, you've scored one point. Which brings us to the final scores. In fourth place, with minus one point, we have Miles Jupp. In third place, with no points, it's Lou Sanders. In second place, with three points, it's Henning Vein.

In second place with three points, it's Henning Vein. And in first place, once again, with an unassailable four points, it's this week's winner, John Finnemore. That's about it for this week. Goodbye. The Unbelievable Truth was devised by John Naismith and Graham Garden and featured David Mitchell in the chair with panellists John Finnemore, Miles Jock, Lou Sanders and Henning Vein. Thank you.