The Unbelievable Truth - 18x03 Bicycles, Wine, Trees, Chocolate

Episode Date: February 18, 2022

18x03 17 April 2017 David O'Doherty, Marcus Brigstocke, Zoe Lyons, Richard Osman Bicycles, Wine, Trees, Chocolate

We present The Unbelievable Truth, the panel game built on truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. Hello and welcome to In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. Hello and welcome to The Unbelievable Truth, the panel show about incredible truths and barely credible lies. I'm David Mitchell. Yes, it's half an hour of barefaced lies mixed with occasional truths in a way not seen since the last White House press conference was mixed with occasional truths.

I've got four comedians who are ready to let rip, so let's get on with it before it becomes unsavoury. Please welcome Richard Osman, David O'Doherty, Zoe Lyons and Marcus Brigstock. The rules are as follows. Each panellist will present a short lecture that should be entirely false, save for five hidden truths which their opponents should try to identify.

Points are scored by truths that go unnoticed, while other panelists can win points if they spot a truth or lose points if they mistake a lie for a truth. First up is David O'Doherty. David, your subject is bicycles, described by my encyclopedia as a two-wheeled vehicle, usually propelled by two pedals connected to the rear wheel by a chain. Off you go, David. Fingers on buzzers, the rest of you. The first cyclist

bamboozled passers-by, who presumed some kind of sorcery was at work. Nobody could explain how the bicycle stays upright. Marcus. I think that that's true. I think the first people to see a bicycle would be astonished by it and I say that with some confidence because even now I often look at them and simply pass out. Well astonished is one thing, presuming some sorcery was at work is another. All right well I'll go further and say I'm assuming it's sorcery then. I think when you see a bicycle, you imagine that the reason it stays upright is something to do with forward momentum rather than sorcery. Is that what it is?

Yeah, well, it's like... I mean, I'm only guessing. I've never checked. But, you know, like a plate can roll on its side for a bit. It's like that, but someone's keeping in control of it. See, plates, they are sorcery. That was magnificent. Brilliant. David. Nobody could explain how the bicycle

stays upright, and modern physics still can't explain it. Marcus. That is true. What is? That modern physics still cannot explain how the bicycle stays upright. Correct. I told you it was sorcery. New Scientist magazine how the bicycle stays upright. Correct. I told you it was sorcery! Yeah.

Yes, New Scientist magazine reported that in 2011, an international team of bipedal enthusiasts dropped the bombshell that despite 150 years of analysis, no-one knows how a bicycle stays upright. Nine-times Tour de France winner Chris Froome maintains the secret is never pausing to think about how you can hurtle down a mansion at 70 miles per hour on a bunch of pipes and some rubber because da magic

might go nay-nay. Froome, incidentally, is the first Tour de France winner whose name sounds like a bicycle going fast. Since Alberto Whoosh in 1954 and before him in

1930, Jerome Neon. Oh my goodness. Marcus. I'm having a go at Jerome Neon. Nope. Maybe. Maybe there was a... I've lost confidence in this. Jerome Neon didn't exist.

The giveaway for me was that the six Ns in his name. The early years of cycling were incredibly noisy because the old rattle traps were such a danger to the public, a marching band was required to precede every cyclist playing suitably ominous music. This was later downsized to a single bell, which the law required the cyclists to ring constantly as they cycled along. Marcus.

I've seen old films and that was definitely a law. Correct, yes. In 1888, the bicycle was officially recognised in law as a carriage and formally allowed to use the roads. This same law required them all to be fitted with a bell which was to be continually rung whilst the bicycle was moving. And that last bit of the law was not repealed until 1930. Victorian doctors were eager to point out the dangers of cycling,

particularly to women, with warnings that pedalling induced chronic flatulence, known as saddle wind, and bicycle face, thought to permanently give riders a jutting chin and bulging eyes. Richard. I'm going to go for the saddle wind, Victorian physicians and women. No, saddle wind was never suspected. I mean, if anything, the danger there would be

it might propel you to go faster. Yes. As an example of the dangers of cycling, avid cyclist and children's author A.A. Milne swallowed two bees while on a ride in Devon in 1912, and the insects took up residence in his left lung. Weeks later, he began coughing up honey. And the situation...

No, Marcus. He didn't swallow two bees while cycling in Devon. Weeks later, he began coughing up honey and the situation was only rectified at the local hospital with staff member Dr. Tigger Piglet who recommended Milne should do a big poo.

Incidentally it was Dr. Tigger Piglet who discovered poo sticks. Cheating has never been a big part of bicycle racing. However, Belgian Henri Lavigne holds the dubious honour of being the first rider

to be disqualified from the Tour de France for cheating. Zoe. That has a ring of truth about it. I'll let David tell you the nature of his alleged cheating. In 1927, and just so you have said that this is true, so you're accepting whatever I'm about to say,

he painted a horse to look like a bike. Yeah, totally. I stand by that. I think that could be true. He literally made the magic go nay-nay. Plausible though that sounds, I'm afraid that's not true. The first disqualifications from the Tour de France

were in the second ever tour in 1904, where nine riders were excluded because of, among other actions, illegal use of cars or trains. One of the lesser-known perks of becoming President of America is that you get to ride around the White House on a tricycle known as Air Force Three. is that you get to ride around the White House on a tricycle known as Air Force Three. Bill Clinton, who himself only learned to cycle at the age of 22,

negotiated the 1994 NAFTA agreement while pulling wheelies round the Oval Office. Richard. I think Bill Clinton learned to ride a bike at 22. You're right, yes. He didn't learn to ride a bike without training wheels until he was 22. Scientists at Dutch universities have been working on the theory of asexual bicycle reproduction

to account for the build-up of bicycles in sheds during the winter and attached to lampposts near train stations. There are reckoned to be 100,000 more bicycles than people in Amsterdam at the moment. Zoe. I've been to Amsterdam and I have tried to cross roads and I would say that is true. There are a lot of bikes in Holland. You are absolutely right. Yes.

The estimates are that there are over 800,000 people in Amsterdam but over 900,000 bicycles. There are currently proposals before the Dutch Parliament to begin sterilising feral bicycles by snipping their main cables. Thank you. Thank you, David. At the end of that round, David, you've managed to smuggle one truth past the rest of the

panel, which is that Victorian doctors thought there was such a thing as bicycle face. As the bicycle became popular in the late 1890s, doctors warned that especially among women, cycling could lead to bicycle face, characterized by a hard clenched jaw and bulging eyes. A German philosopher claimed the condition drained every vestige of intelligence from the sufferer's appearance and rendered children unrecognisable to their own mothers. And that means, David, you've scored one point.

OK, we turn now to Marcus Brigstock. Marcus, your subject is wine, an alcoholic drink made from fermented grapes. Off you go, Marcus. Wine. All wine comes from France, where it's compulsory for French children above the age of four to have wine with every meal.

In Paris, it's not uncommon to have Beaujolais Nouveau on sugar puffs, and mums will very often soak a rusk in Chardonnay for their infants to suck on if they get withdrawals. Richard. I wonder if they do put rusks in chardonnay for their infants to suck on if they get withdrawals richard i wonder if they do put rusks in chardonnay yeah it sounds like in ireland where if a baby's crying you give them a bottle of baileys i mean it may have happened but i don't think it's a common practice sounds nice though doesn't it after all my gigs i have a thing called a shabliga, which is shably mixed with liga. It's a similar mixer, liga.

Oh, my God. What's liga? What's liga? Liga is a baby thing you soak in milk. Like a rusk. Like a rusk. Yeah. Yeah. As I was imagining saying that,

I was imagining getting a big international award for how funny that joke was. Your only mistake was to invent a new word for rusk. Liga. I've never heard the term liga for a sort of baby rusk. Is anyone here? No. No.

No. In fairness, this audience are hardly tuned in. I saw two of them having a Weetabix soaked in port only moments before we began. Yeah, you see, David, Weetabix, that exists. David, after every gig, I like to have a Shablitabix. And the bitter irony, David, is that's the only bit that'll be used.

French vineyard workers have to observe strict protocols. They must scrape soil from their boots in case removing it from the field spoils the next batch. Richard. The soil. Yes, they must scrape the soil from their boots in some cases. The dirt in one of Burgundy's top vineyards, Clos de Vougeot, is considered so precious that vineyard workers are required

to scrape it from their shoes before going home each night. Drinking one glass of wine makes us more attractive to other people, unless they're the vicar and we're expecting to share it with everyone seeking to take communion. David. People are more attractive after some Some test has been done. The University of Blooming Tampa have done a test, and people are more attractive after one drink.

If by Blooming Tampa you mean Bristol, then you're absolutely correct. Yes, the University of Bristol... APPLAUSE A University of Bristol study found that drinking one glass of wine makes us more attractive to the opposite sex. However, the effect disappears when more is consumed. Does it cancel out if the viewer has had one glass of wine as well?

Yes. And then does it go back to zero and then the person being observed? So you have to stay one glass of wine ahead of the person? That's very handy to know. Thank you. Unlike wine, I improve with age. Most wines do not. Richard? Most wines do not improve with age. That's true. Well done.

Chateau Lafitte gets its name from the process of grape treading, using, as the French call them, Lafitte. named from the process of grape treading, using, as the French call them, lafite. King James I gave his pet elephant a gallon of wine a day, and Mary, Queen of Scots, forced gin and barley wine down her Pomeranian. David.

I don't know when your kings were. When was that King James? He was in the early 17th century, so 1603. Yeah, I'll give him an elephant, and then I'll also put a load of booze into that elephant every day. Well, that's exactly what happened. Well done. Yeah. Yes, the elephant was a gift from Philip IV of Spain.

It came with instructions that it was to drink no water between September and April, only wine. As a result, it cost £275 and 12 shillings a year to maintain, which is the equivalent of about three quarters of a million pounds today. Snakey wine is the world's second most popular drink after WKD Blue. Such is the spiteful nature of snakes that even after they've been pickled to death in rice wine they can launch a sneak attack as a woman discovered when she was bitten right in the Shuang Cheng region

by the pickled snake lurking in her drink. David. I'm going to say that there are snakes that are staying alive in wine and then attacking people through the...

What do you call that? When your nerves are still going. You've put this so crisply, I can barely keep up. But I think what you're saying is that you believe that the woman was bitten by the snake from the wine. Yeah, definitely. You are right to believe that, for it is true.

She'd opened a bottle of pickled snake wine, medicinal wine she was taking to treat her rheumatism, when the snake sprung out from the bottle and bit her on the hand. It had miraculously managed to stay alive, despite marinating for three months in rice wine. I'm being treated like a

Weetabix, it said, and the lady laughed because Weetabix exists. And that's the end of Marcus's lecture. And at the end of that round, Marcus, I'm afraid you've managed to smuggle no truths past the rest of the panel. So you scored no points. Next up is Zoe Lyons. Zoe, your subject is trees.

Tall perennial plants with elongated stems or trunks supporting branches and leaves. Off you go, Zoe. Trees are very private organisms and will try and shy away from publicity. The Joshua tree, featured on the U2 album cover, attempted to sue the band for use of its image without its written consent.

Years later, the same tree tried to sue the band for sending it an unwanted copy of their album on iTunes. During the time of the Roman Empire, young gladiators would eat the bark of the cypress tree as they believed it to be an aphrodisiac. And this is where the expression to get wood comes from. Trees aren't just a turn-on for humans. Moose orgasm by rubbing their antlers on trees. Bears get off by rubbing their backs. And we all know... Marcus.

I've seen bears do that. Well, are they getting off on us or are they just scratchy? You know, there's a key distinction there. Have you seen the documentary film The Jungle Book? I think bears manage to scratch their backs by rubbing their backs against trees, but I don't think... And that's different, is it? I think...

It's not much to learn. It's Richard. How about the moose, then? The moose is right, yeah. It's been observed that moose and caribou achieve sexual gratification by rubbing their antlers on trees. Trees have been known to cough, burp and even sneeze, which can be exhausting, so trees sleep at night to rest their branches.

Marcus. I think, in a sense, I think that trees do sleep at night. They do. In a sense. Yes, they do. In a sense, they do. They relax their branches at night, which scientists say may be a sign of sleeping.

Siberian Christmas trees are never brought indoors where they will melt, although outside they can get so cold they turn to glass. Marcus. Oh, I'm so buzzy. I thought you'd be coming down by now. No. I think that Siberian Christmas trees are not bought indoors. See, now that I say it...

They melt, though. Because they melt. A Christmas tree, by definition, is in many ways a tree that has been brought indoors, or at least decorated. Then Lord Donaldworth, that's what I call myself, will leap in there and put forward the theory that they turn to a glass-like state.

Minus 60 inberia turns wood into glass so i'll have a point for that thank you but you know the terrible truth is you you will get a point for that yes the temperatures in the forests of siberia regularly fall to minus 60 degrees Celsius and in order to survive... I made up that number! That's the number on the sheet. In order to survive the tissues of a Siberian tree will turn to a solid crystalline structure just like window

glass but made of sugars, protein and water molecules. One in six children think that broccoli is a baby tree and one child in ten believes that elm tree is a huge stick of celery. Richard. The fact about children thinking broccoli are tiny trees. You're right. They do, yeah.

Yes, a 2005 survey of 1,000 primary school children identified what it described as a worrying lack of knowledge about where food comes from with two-thirds of children not eating the recommending portions of fruit and veg and one in six children thinking that broccoli were baby trees 10 trees we needed to make the paper to print the 2013 report on the environmental impact on the hs2 rail scheme luckily all 10 trees were on the proposed route so they had to come down anyway. Marcus?

I think that's true about the number of trees needed to print the thing. You're right, it is true. The report ran to 50,000 pages and weighed more than half a tonne, so it required ten trees to make the paper to print it. Thank you, Zoe. And you've smuggled none through the rest of the panel, I'm afraid, which means you've scored no points. Next up is Richard Osman. Your subject, Richard, is chocolate,

a food made from roasted and ground cacao seeds, typically sweetened and eaten as confectionery. Off you go, Richard, is chocolate, a food made from roasted and ground cacao seeds, typically sweetened and eaten as confectionery. Off you go, Richard. Everybody in the whole world likes chocolate. It is universally acknowledged as just so totally amazing, except dark chocolate, which is for people who don't actually like chocolate. White chocolate, which, let's be

honest, might as well just be yoghurt. And American chocolate, which is made from vomit and donald trump's secret tears zoe i believe that could be true actually because i've had american chocolate and it really is the most disgusting thing you've ever tasted in your entire life i'm prepared to believe it is made out of bits of ground up donald trump as far as i know donald trump neither him nor his tears have been made into chocolate, but, you know, if... Fake news, David, that's fake news.

When this show started, the whole point of truths and lies, it was quite a jolly area. Now it's deeply dark and totalitarian. The most important thing to know about chocolate is that the actor, Woody Harrelson, used to keep M&Ms on his bedside table because he thought if they were still there in the morning it meant that the vengeful ghost of Abraham Lincoln had not visited in the night. David. Harrelson famously believes he's pursued by dead American presidents so there's nothing wrong with that statement. It's not true. I've done so well in this episode so far, I really thought I had the golden touch. I could just make things true by saying it assertively enough,

and it's been proven to be wrong. Of the many chocolate bars to have rebranded over the years, Kit Kats were originally called Cat Kits, Rolos were Chocolate Pockets, Toblerone used to be called Dr Schnitzel's Chocolate Mountains, Fun Size Mars used to be Fun-sized Uranus. Snickers were originally called Marathon and... Marcus. That is definitely true. I remember them.

No. No. No, Snickers weren't originally called Marathon. They were originally called Snickers when they were launched in the USA and then were launched in the UK subsequently as Marathon, which was then renamed as Snickers. I hardly think that's fair. No, I mean, if you're going to start basing things

on stuff that's happened elsewhere, it's not really in the spirit of Brexit, is it? I'd be the first to admit that it's not in the spirit of Brexit. It's dirty play. So they were always Snickers in America? Yes, Snickers was named after the farm horse on the Mars farm. Is that right? And they called it Marathon over here

because they wanted people to think it was a health bar. In a way, it is. It's got peanuts in it. Yeah, exactly. Disgusting. Like a Mars bar with a dirty secret that will kill one in 40 children. David. Kit Kats were originally called Kat Kits. They weren't. 40 children. David?

Kit Kats were originally called Cat Kits. They weren't. They were originally launched as Roundtree's Chocolate Crisp in 1937. Zoe? Well, then I'm going to jump on the back of this bandwagon and say that Rolo's... It's not really a bandwagon

that's going, is it? It's a jump on the back of this pile-up. Yeah, it's a pile-up. I'm going to take my eye off the road for a second and go straight into the back of this pile-up and say that Rolos used to be called Chocolate Pockets. No, they originally, they were launched as

Rolos, also in 1937. Where Toblerone's ever called. I should, before I answer you, I should say it is not contractual that any of these things are true. I know that Osman wouldn't do a full list without one

truth in there. Well, Toblerone were not originally Dr. Schintzel's Chocolate Mountains. They were invented by Theodore Tobler and inspired by a human pyramid of dancers at the Folies Bergères. It's actually suddenly made me not want to eat them ever again. I should point out I haven't actually finished the list yet, so... And Twix were called...

How on earth can we get anyone to buy this, Dave? It's just two bits of biscuit with, like, a tiny, tiny bit of chocolate on it. Honestly, I swear this is actually just a biscuit. Let's call it a Twix and hope for the best. I'm not falling for that. All right. Another important thing to know about chocolate is that the actor, Winona Ryder,

used to keep a bag of Reese's Pieces in her pyjamas because she believed they would help her turn into a magnificent horse in her dreams. Oh, David, yes. I thought you were a bit late on that one. No, it's not true. It is. It is true. She's a real curveball. She is, isn't she? She is a real curveball, but no, that particular nuttiness, she does not suffer from. I mean, it's a trick that I sleep in a leather jacket, so I'm tough in my own dreams. Chocolate is one of the most dangerous substances known to man. Eating just 40 bars of dairy milk or three Twixes could kill a person, which makes me wonder how I got through last Christmas.

The FBI tried to kill Castro using poisoned hot chocolate. David. I know that dogs, if you give a dog a lot of chocolate, it can kill it. So I'm going to say potentially 40 bars of dairy milk, that would do you in. That is true. Thank you. 22 pounds of chocolate, which is about 40 bars of dairy milk,

contains a lethal dose of theobromine, enough to kill a child, which is a form bars of dairy milk, contains a lethal dose of theobromine, enough to kill a child, which is a form of person. So if you are... If you are listening and you're feeding your child dairy milk right now, stop at 39. Yeah. If you're a fully grown adult,

it would probably take over 100 bars of dairy milk to finish you off. The Nazis tried to kill Winston Churchill with a chocolate bomb and an Austrian woman once tried to murder her husband with a sharpened Toblerone. Chocoholics Anonymous was founded before Alcoholics Anonymous and good tips for giving up chocolate include buying Twixies or, slightly easier, injecting yourself with lizard saliva. Marcus.

Oh, no. This is really interesting. Which one are you going to go on? The lizard saliva, really? I don't know what I was thinking. But, yes, it's so bizarre, yes. Tips for giving up chocolate include injecting yourself. I thought that was Winona Ryner and the Reese's Pieces in her pyjamas. And I look like a fool now.

David's going to be very annoyed because you're absolutely right. David's going to be very annoyed because you're absolutely right. Tests have revealed that a drug made from the saliva of the venomous American Gila monster lizard reduces the craving for ordinary food and for chocolate. Different countries have different chocolate delicacies which you might like to avoid. A Filipino chocolate pudding is a stew of pig's organs in pig's blood gravy, and an English Twix is an abomination.

Zoe. The first one with the pig blood. I think I've had something similar on a really bad holiday once. You're right. You're absolutely right. To be honest, I think it's just known as chocolate pudding. I'm not sure it's even got chocolate in it. Its official name is Dinuguan, and it's the Filipino equivalent of black pudding.

Yet another important thing to know about chocolate is that the actor, Colin Farrell, used to keep Smarties under his pillow in the hope of bringing Marilyn Monroe back from the dead during the night. Unsuccessful chocolate bar innovations over the years include the Malteser Jesus, an Easter-themed crucifix-shaped treat, black and white minstrels, The Malteser Jesus, an Easter-themed crucifix-shaped treat. Black and white minstrels.

And... And the all-new edible Twix. Thank you, Richard. And at the end of that round, Richard, you've managed to smuggle two truths past the rest of the panel. Which are that the Nazis tried to kill Winston Churchill with a chocolate bomb. The plot was foiled by British spies who discovered the chocolate was being made and tipped off MI5.

The second truth is that the actor Colin Farrell used to keep Smarties under his pillow... ..in the hope of bringing Marilyn Monroe back from the dead during the night. And that means, Richard, you scored two points. Which brings us to the final scores. In fourth place, with minus five points, we have Zoe Lyons. In third place, with minus four points, it's Marcus Brigstocke.

In second place, with minus two points, it's David O'Doherty. And in first place with an unassailable one point, it's this week's winner, Richard Osman. That's about it for this week. Goodbye. The Unbelievable Truth was devised by John Naismith and Graham Garden and featured David Mitchell in the chair with panellists Richard Osman, David O'Doherty, Zoe Lyons and Marcus Brigstocke. Thank you.