The Unbelievable Truth - 18x04 Colour, Vegetables, Pizzas, Carpets

Episode Date: February 18, 2022

18x04 24 April 2017 David O'Doherty, Marcus Brigstocke, Zoe Lyons, Richard Osman Colour, Vegetables, Pizzas, Carpets

We present The Unbelievable Truth, the panel game built on truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. Hello and welcome to In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. Hello and welcome to The Unbelievable Truth, the panel show about incredible truth and barely credible lies. I'm Robert Mugabe. I'm joined by four comedians all desperate to excite. Sorry, all desperate to exit. Please welcome Marcus Brigstock, Zoe Lyons, David O'Doherty and Richard Osman. The rules are as follows. Each panellist will present a short lecture that should be entirely false, save for five hidden truths which their opponent should try to identify.

Points are scored by truths that go unnoticed, while other panellists can win points if they spot a truth or lose points if they mistake a lie for a truth. First up is David O'Doherty. David, your subject is colour, the hue, saturation and brightness of an object created by reflected light and described by categories such as red, green, yellow, blue, etc. Off you go, David. Fingers on buzzers, the rest of you. While we'd like to think that the different colours of our world are constant, new hues are always replacing the old. You don't hear much about 16th century fabric shades,

such as puke, goose turd, dead Spaniard or dying monkey these days. Yet orange was only invented in 1901 by Clive Orange, great-grandfather of take-that-back-flipping-live-wire Jason Orange. While on the subject, the incorrect belief that nothing rhymes with orange was taken to court in 2001 by former Wimbledon tennis CEO Chris Goring. I blimmin' well rhyme with orange, he screamed from the dock. And if you don't believe me, ask my friends, Benny Burple or Sylvia Schmilver. The case was thrown out by Mr Justice Dindigo.

Among the many notable side effects of love wonder drug Viagra is temporary colour blindness. The Viagra defence, as it's known, is often used by motorists who've been caught jumping traffic lights. New regulations mean that drivers who make this claim can now be asked to step out of their vehicles for a cursory visual check. Richard? I wonder if the Viagra colour blindness thing is true. It is true. Well done, yeah. I say I wonder.

Yes. Yes, the side effects of Viagra include blurred vision, increased sensitivity to light and impaired colour discrimination. Many users have reported the side effect of seeing things in a blue tint. This is because Viagra overly sensitises rod cells in the retina. Just go for all the rods in the body. Which are most effective at picking up the colour blue. Owing to a fault in the dyeing process,

the New Zealand All Blacks found themselves in breach of their own copyright in the 1978 season, and while replacement jerseys were being made, had to temporarily rename themselves the Really, Really, Really Dark Blues. Similarly, Guinness Irish Stout technically isn't black and should be called the very, very, very dark red stuff. Marcus.

Yes, it isn't black. You're right, it isn't black. It's very, very dark red. Yes, according to Guinness' blurb, the precision of the roasting process is what gives our famous stout its distinctive rich taste and dark ruby red hue. Other stouts are available. Chameleon lizards don't change colour to match their background.

Marcus. That's true. Bold. Well, what you've done there, Marcus, is you've buzzed in the middle of something that was going to turn out to be true. Oh. So you get the point.

I went too soon. In radio terms, terms i was excited disappointing for the whole nation i've pretty much built a career on that david so so david can you finish what you were saying well i can but i'm heartbroken chameleon lizards don't change color to match their background but as a result of different emotional states. Oh, my goodness. Richard, that's not allowed. An angry chameleon will go yellow with rage. Some go grey when depressed. A baffled chameleon, such as one watching the movie Memento

or trying to answer the questions on Only Connect, will frequently burst into flames. Now, that last bit isn't true but it's true that they change color to match their emotional states and they go yellow with rage and gray when depressed communication rather than camouflage is the main reason behind the chameleon's ability to change color they communicate with each other by turning green blue yellow red brown white or. Light colours usually mean they're ready to mate. Green usually means a chameleon is relaxed. Bright yellow, that it's angry. And black means that it should be left well alone.

To them, snooker is like EastEnders, right? The fruit we now call oranges were originally purple and were called purples. Marcus. I don't think they were called purples, but I think the fruit was originally a sort of purpley colour. No, it was not. It was always orange, and in fact,

that's the first citation of the word orange in about 1400, about the time they were becoming well-known in Europe. The colour orange is named after the appearance of the ripe orange fruit. Before this time, orange things would have been described as either saffron or red. Similarly, until the 16th century, carrots could be black, green or purple. Marcus.

That is true. Yes, you've evened out. Yes. The orange carrot only appeared in the 16th century when a Dutch horticulturalist discovered some mutant yellow seeds that produced an orange colour, and Dutch growers in the 17th century are said to have cultivated orange carrots

as a tribute to the ruling house of orange. For thousands of years before then, carrots were black, green, white, red and purple, and you can still find carrots in these colours today. Consequently, carrot cake was called Terror Slab and was used as an unwelcome dessert threat to make children finish their dinner. Interestingly, bananas used to be yellower and until the 1950s were called nicotine-stained tree fingers.

Thank you. Thank you, David. And at the end of that round, David, you've managed to smuggle one truth past the rest of the panel, which is that you don't hear much about 16th century fabric shades

such as puke, goose turds, dead Spaniard, or dying monkey these days. They were indeed all genuine Elizabethan fabric colours. Puke was dirty brown, goose turd was yellowish green, could have called it puke, and dead Spaniard was pale greyish tan, could have called it goose turd. Alas, since there are no records, we can only guess at the

colour of dying monkey. It was a kind of a light, dirty Spaniard. Dead Spaniard, not dirty Spaniard. Dirty Spaniard. That was a different colour. I'm thinking of getting this dead Spaniard wall redone in dirty Spaniard. And that means you've scored one point. Thank you. The Queen's racing colours are purple with gold braid

and scarlet sleeves with a black velvet cap. Though, to be honest, she doesn't run as often as she used to. Next up is Marcus Brigstock. Marcus, your subject is vegetables. Plants or parts of plants such as carrots, cabbages, potatoes or onions consumed by humans as food. Off you go, Marcus. Vegetables.

One day the vegetables will rise, conquer humanity and become our overlords. They don't just grow underground. They have secret meetings there. And if you lie down in a field, you can hear them plotting. David. Vegetables. Oh, even as I'm saying this. Vegetables have a, if you listen'm saying this... Vegetables have a...

If you listen closely in the ground with the correct equipment, maybe a stethoscope, maybe while on drugs, you can hear vegetables communicating. You can hear them plotting. To overthrow humanity. Do you think that's where the expression vegetable plot comes from? Do you think that's where the expression vegetable plot comes from? You've obviously never read the Stephen King book,

Salem's Allotment. We have no evidence of vegetable plotting, I'm afraid. Most vegetables are deadly when ingested by humans. Swedes are full of arsenic, Brussels sprouts contain cyanide, and Savoy cabbage has guns in it. Richard? The Brussels sprouts have cyanide in them. Yes, bullseye, well done. They do. It's in fact the thing in Brussels sprouts that make them taste bitter. The ingredient that makes Brussels sprouts taste bitter is cyanide contained within chemical

compounds in Brussels sprouts. When these compounds are broken down due to the plant material being chewed cut or otherwise damaged what are called mustard oils are produced and it is these that create the bitter taste this chemical reaction is an act of self-defense protecting the sprout against pests you'd think it's on flavor was a self-defense wouldn't you i mean most kids will will say that they hate brussel sprouts that's a great excuse for children now. I don't want them, Mum. It's full of cyanide. I've got two things to say to that, Zoe. Firstly, obviously the

bitter taste is part of the flavour. So you say the flavour is repellent enough, that is part of the flavour, so that makes no sense. And secondly, I'd like to say that Brussels sprouts are delicious and people who don't like them are out of their minds. that Brussels sprouts are delicious and people who don't like them are out of their minds.

You split a rule there, Dave. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. This is a very sensitive area for me. Are you president of the Brussels Sprout Association? I would happily be president of such an association. I'd be proud to be a member. I would march with them, farting as I went. This is how the vegetables will take over one day.

First they divide us. Then they slowly poison us. England does not want to be ruled by Brussels sprouts. Marcus. The term cauliflower ears comes from the fact that cauliflowers can hear people sneaking up on them. But they're not defenceless. They can spring out of the ground and fire sulphuric acid up your leg.

The only warning you get is because they grow so fast, you can hear them sprouting. Zoe. I reckon you probably can hear a cauliflower sprouting. Ah, but I've humiliated myself. Not plotting, not a cauliflower sprouting. Ah, but I've humiliated myself. No, not plotting, not plotting, sprouting. Yeah, no, sprouting you can hear.

You're right, yeah. Cauliflower can grow up to 1.2 inches a day. As they grow, the florets rub together, creating an eerie squeaking sound, dubbed the Cauliflower Creek. In the sequel to the Matt Damon film, The Martian, in which he successfully pooed a potato, Disney are hoping that the hapless space traveller

will defecate on a bag of kale. The purpose of the mission is to prove that if you grow romaine lettuce in space, it tastes like rocket, and to find out if there might be runner beans on your anus. The biggest cauliflower ever grown weighed over 48 pounds and won a prize.

David. I'll have a 48-pound cauliflower. Yeah, that's doable. Yep, I'll have that. You don't have to say anything, just give me the point. It's a really big cauliflower, that, 48 pounds. No, I'm afraid... Now, this is interesting,

because the biggest cauliflower ever grown did not weigh 48 pounds it weighed 60 pounds 9.3 ounces but of course what marcus said is that it weighed over 48 pounds and 60 pounds and 9.3 ounces is over 48 pounds okay in ancient greece the punishment for men who committed adultery was to have a root vegetable inserted into their bottom. Zoe. Yeah, I'm going for that. Definitely. Yeah, probably a horseradish or... Yes, a horseradish. Underused these days,

probably because of the horrific history attached to it. You're right. Thank you. And I'm happy to be able to tell you it was a horseradish. What can I say? I've got a feeling for these things. A horseradish inserted into the anus. The punishment known as Raffanidosis was mentioned by Aristophanes as a punishment in Athens

in the 5th and 4th century BC. It would be the worst of all the veggies. I would think a £60 cauliflower bean. One winces just to think of it. You'd hear it creeping up on you, wouldn't you? McDonald's use up to four potatoes a year in their delicious fries. And a McShake contains well over a pound of crushed aubergine.

In an effort to make vegetables less appealing, McDonald's launched new flavours of veg, including bubblegum broccoli, Coke-flavoured lettuce and the ever-popular cheese tomato. Strictly speaking, carrots are not a vegetable. The myth about carrots making you see in the dark was made up by Stephen Fry, so he could later debunk it on QI.

And that's the end of Marcus's lecture. And at the end of that round, Marcus, you've managed to smuggle two truths past the rest of the panel, which are that if you grow romaine lettuce in space, it tastes like rocket. Aptly enough, romaine lettuce grown in space tastes like the rocket aptly enough remain lettuce grown in space tastes

like the rocket leaf more peppery taste and the second truth mcdonald's launched new flavors of veg including bubble gum broccoli however children were confused by the taste and it never reached the shelves i think that's a euphemism for disliked it. I'm confused by this flavour. I think I'm going to spit it out. And that means, Marcus, you've scored two points. When he arrived at the White House, President George H.W. Bush declared a total ban on broccoli. Happier times.

Next up is Zoe Lyons. Zoe, your subject is pizza, an Italian dish consisting of a round dough base topped with tomato, cheese and other toppings, which is baked in an oven. On average, a human being will think about pizza between 10 and 15 times a day. Its powers as a comfort food are so strong

that even the thought of having a pizza has a calming effect on the body. Zoe. Zoe? Zoe. Your light came on. I didn't go anywhere near my butt. It was me. It could be just Hang on, have you just had some Viagra?

Very strange Marcus I think that just the thought of having comfort food Has a calming effect on the body I don't think there's any scientific evidence for that Ironically If you feel like some comfort food Comfort doesn't work You know the stuff you put

In the washing machine it smells great but feels awful yeah southern comfort is very different to comfort yeah for example if you're doing a duvet never put southern comfort into the machine because it comes out reeking alcohol is the ultimate comfort food i think we can say that as a radio programme. It's definitely very, very comforting. Also then enraging and depressing, but then comforting. Is everything OK at home? I mean, I've no idea. My phone's turned off, so, I mean...

6% of men say they think women who smell of pizza are more attractive. So, girls, if you want to smell like a fast food outlet, you could try a bottle of the exclusive fragrance Eau de Pizza Hut. All it takes is a couple of dabs behind your anchovies.

Waiting for a takeaway pizza to arrive has been ranked in the top 10 most stressful things in life for those aged 16 to 25 years of age. Sadly, it has driven some frustrated customers to take extreme action. A group of hackers once took down Papa John's website because their pizza was late. Marcus.

Yes, that happened. They took down Papa John's website because their pizza was late. They did. Yeah. They did. A group of hackers led by a 15-year-old Californian known as Cosmo the God David Mitchell just saying hacker names is one of my favourite things.

Once took down the website of pizza delivery company Papa John when their order was late. Psychologists believe they can tell a lot about people from the toppings they choose to have on their pizzas. Those who enjoy artichoke and anchovy or capers are loners, while those who like chicken or pineapple are more likely to make very poor life choices.

Those with a more laid-back approach to life favour the Cambodian happy pizza topped with marijuana. I'm sorry. David. There's definitely something about making judgements on people based on their pizza toppings. Psychologists believe they can tell a lot about

people from the toppings they choose to have on their pizzas. That. Make it rain a single point.. Make it rain a single point. It will not rain a single point. The point drought continues. I always wondered why Domino's was called Domino's, but then as I was driving past, I wasn't really paying attention. I drove into the first one of the motorbikes parked outside.

one of the motorbikes parked outside. My local delivery spot in Dublin is called Four Star Pizza, and I have a lot of time for it, just because of the name. Because they could have called themselves anything. For example, Five Star. But they had an honest-to-goodness tasting of the first slice, and they were like,

this could be at least 25% better. How much pizza should you eat? Well, in the USA, they know it's five a day, since the US Congress affirmed that pizza could be served as a vegetable at school lunches across America. Marcus? I have a recollection of that taking place. I think Congress did say something like that.

That is a correct recollection, yes. taking place, I think Congress did say something like that. That is a correct recollection, yes. And oddly, not even close to the maddest thing they've said in the last couple of years. Oh, yes, no, this was back in 2011 when civilisation was still vaguely viable. They passed legislation stating that because of the tomato paste, a pizza contains the equivalent of a serving of vegetables

and could therefore be served in schools as the equivalent of a standard vegetable portion. The global appreciation of good pizza has done more for international relations than the UN, NATO and the World Health Organisation put together. In fact, Donald Trump and Mikhail Gorbachev have both appeared in Pizza Hut adverts. Marcus.

I think Trump and Gorbachev have both appeared in Pizza Hut adverts. Marcus. I think Trump and Gorbachev have both appeared in... Did you say Pizza Hut? Yeah. That's mad enough. Yeah, that is absolutely true. Wow. Yeah. Trump and his wife Ivana appeared in a 1995 advert for Stuffed Crust,

while Gorbachev's advert from 1998 ends with diners in a Moscow branch seen praising the former Russian leader with shouts of hail to Gorbachev for having brought Pizza Hut to the country. Have we inadvertently exposed the link between Trump and Russia? Thank you, Zoe.

And at the end of that round, Zoe, you've managed to smuggle two truths past the rest of the panel, which are that if you want to smell like a fast food outlet, try Fragrance Eau de Pizza Hut. This fragrance was launched in Canada in 2012 and the US in 2013 as part of a Valentine's Day campaign by Pizza Hut. And the second truth is that Cambodian happy pizza is topped with marijuana.

While marijuana isn't legal in Cambodia, it isn't prioritised by police. And that means, Zoe, you've scored two points. On average, Americans eat a staggering 100 acres of the dish per day. And when you multiply that by the number of people in America... Next up is Richard Osman. Richard is best known for his role on Pointless,

but he does so much more than that. There's also Celebrity Pointless. Richard recently recorded the thousandth edition of Pointless, and it was an absolute belter. It made episode 999 look like episode 473. Richard, your subject is carpets, floor coverings made from thick woven fabric.

Fingers on buzzers, everyone else. Off you go, Richard. Carpets. Love them or loathe them, we all have a view on them. Interestingly, carpets were actually invented before floors, and so were originally used as ceilings. When floors were invented by Zachary Parquet in Arizona in 1824, carpets immediately became popular because they were already exactly the right size. There are few creatures more terrifying than the carpet shark.

The carpet shark is called a carpet shark because it looks like a carpet. Marcus. I think there might be a carpet shark. There is a carpet shark. Oh. Yeah. And it looks like a carpet. Yeah.

By all means, applaud. The carpet shark has a retractable penis, which makes it easier to hoover. The carpet shark has a retractable penis, which makes it easier to hoover. The carpet shark is endangered due to overfishing, as it commands much greater prices than the lino shark. In fact, if you laid all the remaining carpet sharks in the world from end to end, it would now stretch for only three miles, though you would still need to use a qualified carpet shark fitter.

And what is it with dictators and carpets? Mussolini was a carpet salesman. Hitler was a carpet beater. Saddam Hussein did the voiceover for the Iraqi carpet world adverts. Attila the Hun had a son called Carpet. Zoe? I reckon he did. He was probably one of those celebrity names of the time.

Carpet the Hun. Carpet the Hun. No time. Carpet the Hun. Carpet the Hun. No, no Carpet the Hun ever existed. David. Mussolini sold carpet before he became Il Duce. He did not. No, he did. He did, yes. Idi Amin used the blood of the brother he had recently murdered to produce a dye used in swastika patterns

on a centrepiece carpet for his summer palace. Genghis Khan, about to execute a man, discovered he was a dear childhood friend so had him rolled in a carpet and beaten to death instead. Zoe. Rolled in a carpet and beaten to death. Correct. Yes.

This method of execution was favoured by the Mongols as a way of disposing of people of royal blood. Princes would be rolled in a carpet and stamped to death so that no royal blood was spilled. The Caliph of Baghdad was afforded the dignity of being rolled in a carpet and trampled to death when the entire Mongol cavalry charged over him. Carpets are everywhere.

There was a fitted carpet in the first lunar landing module. The first ever Wimbledon tennis final was played on carpet. The gents urinals at London's Ritz Hotel are carpeted wall to wall and their annual bill for shaken vacuum Febreze is said to run into millions. And talking of urinals, some of the early public phone boxes were also carpeted wall to wall. David. There was a carpet in the lunar landing module

because the boots Of the space suits Were clumpy And the sound They were worried about waking the people upstairs Sound is amplified in space It could have made a huge noise It would have upset

As in the famous thing in space Everyone can hear you scream There was not a fitted carpet in the first Lunar Landing module. They just didn't think it was a priority to fit a carpet. After all of these facts, I know you will want to buy a carpet. How about trying one of these

shops? In Axminster, you will find Carpet Diem. Seize the carpet. Entrepreneur Eddie Stevens set up his shop next door to the carpet right in Swindon and called it Carpet Left. Zoe. I so hope he did. I'm going to say he did. No.

Oh, what a missed opportunity. In Gateshead, you can visit There's a Floor in Your Plans. And in Dublin, you have the choice of Lino Ritchie, Rug Addicts or Honest Idiar Means Blug Soat Swastika Discount Warehouse? I mean, this is extraordinary, but recently parked outside my house was a van that does linoleum floor coverings

and it is called Lino Richie. So I know for a fact that is true in Dublin. It is true. Thank you. Please, please, please tell me when you ring them up, they go, hello. The two greats were always Lionel Richie and then there was a video shop near us called Planet of the Tapes.

Now, I presume, closed. Yeah. Yeah, they just couldn't think of a pun on DVDs. Well, they're finished as well, David. I've got news for you. What?! And that's the end of Richard's lecture. And at the end of that round, Richard,

you've managed to smuggle two truths past the rest of the panel, which are that Hitler was a carpet-beater. After being twice rejected by the Academy of Fine Arts in Vienna, Hitler lived off an orphan's pension and what little money he could make from odd jobs like beating carpets and selling paintings and drawings of Viennese landmarks. And the second truth is that some of the early public phone boxes were also carpeted wall to wall. When phone boxes emerged at the beginning of the 20th century, they were generally made of high quality wood and fitted with amenities such as screened windows, writing desks and fitted

carpets. These boxes first appeared in plush reception areas in hotels, etc., before they appeared out on the street. And that means, Richard, you've scored two points. Hugh Grant's father was a carpet salesman, and indeed Hugh himself was no stranger to the pleasures of a deep shag. Which brings us to the final scores. In fourth place, with minus two points, we have David O'Doherty. In third place, with no points, it's Zoe Lyons. In second place, with one point, it's Richard Osman. And in first place with an unassailable four points

is this week's winner, Marcus Brigstocke. That's about it for this week. Goodbye. The Unbelievable Truth is devised by John Naismith and Graham Garden and featured David Mitchell in the chair with panellists Richard Osman, David O'Doherty, Zoe Lyons and Marcus Brigstocke. The chairman's script was written by Dan Gaster and Colin Swash and the producer was John Naismith.

It was a random production of BBC Radio 4.