The Unbelievable Truth - 18x06 Delia Smith, Robots, Rain, Facebook

Episode Date: February 18, 2022

18x06 8 May 2017 Holly Walsh, Mark Steel, Elis James, Frankie Boyle Delia Smith, Robots, Rain, Facebook

We present The Unbelievable Truth, the panel game built on truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. Hello and welcome to The Unbelievable Truth, the panel show about incredible truths and barely credible lies. I'm David Mitchell. Please welcome Mark Steele, Holly Walsh, Ellis James and Frankie Boyle. The rules are as follows. Each panelist will present a short lecture that should be entirely false, save for five hidden truths which their opponent The rules are as follows. Each panellist will present a short lecture that should be entirely false, save for five hidden truths which their opponent should try to identify. Points are scored by truths that go unnoticed,

while other panellists can win points if they spot a truth or lose points if they mistake a lie for a truth. First up is Holly Walsh. Holly once appeared on the TV show Never Mind the Buzzcocks alongside Noel Fielding. For our younger listeners, he's, you know, the guy off the Great British Bake Off. Holly, your subject is Delia Smith,

a British cookery writer and broadcaster famed for her no-nonsense approach to cooking. Off you go, Holly. Fingers on buzzers, the rest of you. Delia Smith isn't a real person, but a codename passed down throughout history like James Bond, Doctor Who, or Judy Finnegan. Each generation, a chosen one is born, snatched from their parents at birth and immediately trained in the art of cookery and seduction by nuns and Prue Leith in a huge kitchen just outside Torquay. When the current Delia retires or is killed in combat, a new one is sent

out into the world with nothing but her culinary skills, a spatula and a crossbow to survive. Over the centuries, Delia Smiths have cooked most of history's famous dishes. For example, the very first Delia baked the bread used by the feeding of the 5,000, stealing the job from a young Mary Berry. In the 60s, the Rolling Stones toured with their very own Delia, who made them cakes to put on their album covers. Alice. I think she did make the cake that was on that album cover.

Yes, she did, yeah. Yes, she did, yes. Yes, a young Delia Smith made the cake that's pictured on the cover of the Rolling Stones' 1969 album Let It Bleed. Delia said of the cake, I was working with a food photographer at the time. They wanted it to be very over the top and as gaudy as I could make it. The young Delia didn't provide a punchline.

When she quit touring, she tried to settle down, but unfortunately her new neighbours included famed Hellraisers Alice Cooper, George Best and John and Norma Major. She finally had to move out after one of Major's famous cheese and smack parties got carried away, resulting in a damaged trellis and 15 pregnancies.

Between them the Delias have written over 18,000 cookery books, including Delia's Sexy Funtime Sandwich Soiree, Cooking for Seven When One of Them is a Vegan, and thousand cookery books including Delia's sexy fun time sandwich soiree, cooking for seven when one of them is a vegan, and the ever popular four things to do with a plantain. Over the years her books and television series have resulted in such popular delicacies as boil in the bag made with real boil, cat crushed by portolou, an old family recipe,

and my favourite, a fistful of ham. But surprisingly, she has never... Frankie. I'm going to say she's... It sounds ridiculous, but she's done a recipe, a fistful of ham. I just really want her to. I mean, she hasn't. It's definitely a missed opportunity.

Because I can think what the recipe would involve. I can see it. It would form the centrepiece of any occasion. You can imagine her on the cover of her new book, showing off the fistful of ham. And you could have little cherry tomatoes as knuckles. Well, she must be running out of ideas by now. She's going to be listening at home to this thinking,

yes. That's the thing about cookery writers, isn't it? You want to get them early when they're making sensible things. And then they're sitting there desperate, what else can I do with lamb? I've done lamb a thousand, okay, I'm going to try it with olives and goat wee. And then, you know, they have to write about it

you know, like this is, yeah, yeah, no, you'll love it like this. Don't do lamb the way I said at the beginning of my career that everyone loves. Do it then. I guess that's why they get more and more obscure recipe ingredients. Like stuff that you've never even heard of. Yeah, brilliant.

There's a new sort of squash. Let's pretend it tastes nice. How many different sorts of food do people need in their lives? Four. I would say seven. But I think even if you're an absolute gourmet, it's not going to be more than 40, is it? It's breakfast, lunch and tea.

Yes, exactly. You know, if it's been three days and you haven't had a fried egg sandwich, time for a fried egg sandwich. Surprisingly, she has never, ever cooked any recipe with an egg because, in her words, I ain't eaten nothing that's come out of no butthole. Famously, the current Delia Smith is a vampire who sleeps surrounded by garlic

with a four-foot-high crucifix above her bed lest she rise in the night and slaughter any passing virgins before serving them al dente in an apricot reduction. Though if you ask her which meals she really enjoys, she'd pick either the liver of her enemies or a Big Mac, which she eats in a car park before stripping to underwear and fighting a tramp. And that's every...

Frankie. Right. I reckon that at some point, Delia Smith will have done so many interviews that they've gone to, what's your favourite meal? And she'll have gone, oh, Big Mac. I'm pretty sure that's what happened.

Yes. She said the following form of words. What's a real treat for me is when I go to evening games at Norwich City with my husband, we have Big Mac picnics in the car park. I absolutely love them with fries and loads of ketchup. What a sweet way to call a takeaway. It's a picnic in a car park.

Oh, this is a whole shop for selling car park picnics. How lovely. Holly. And that's everything there is to know about Delia Smith, at least until the next one is released into the wild. Thank you, Holly. And at the end of that round, Holly, you've managed to smuggle three truths past the rest of the panel, which are that Delia was neighbours with John and Norma Major.

The second truth is that her television series resulted in Cat Crushed by Portolou. This is quite well hidden. In 1999, filming of the second series of Delia's How To Cook, which took place at her Suffolk home, was delayed when a port-a-loo Delia had ordered so that the crew wouldn't use her inside loo was being lowered into position and landed on top of one of Delia's cats, killing it instantly.

I think we should make clear that she did not then turn that into a recipe. And the third truth is that Delia Smith sleeps with a four-foot-high crucifix above her bed. In 1997, The Independent reported that Delia, a devout Catholic, kept a four-foot crucifix above her bed as well as a plethora of religious objects and shrines. She converted to Catholicism at the age of 22.

And that means, Holly, you've scored three points. A Delia recipe for seafood risotto created for Waitrose was deemed so bad that BBC's Watchdog actually ran a feature on it. After tasting the dish, Anne Robinson was so horrified, her face very nearly moved. When Delia moved in with her future husband, their next-door neighbours were John and Norma Major. Delia says, even back then, John Major was a very hands-on sort of man. If Norma was away, he could knock up a curry in minutes. Next up... Next up is Mark Steele.

Mark is a supporter of Crystal Palace, the evocative image of a magnificent edifice of shimmering crystal soaring into the sky. Couldn't be less like Selhurst Park. Mark, your subject is robots, mechanical devices, sometimes human in appearance, that are capable of performing a variety of often complex human tasks. Off you go, Mark.

I don't want to just reply to that, but I'll say my favourite moment in Crystal Palace was when a bloke behind me said, oh, this is great, but football's always better when both teams are shit. Robots. The word robot comes from the Hungarian word robot, meaning robot. There's no job now that couldn't be done by a robot. Building firms have designed artificial intelligence robots so realistic that they don't turn up on any day

that they say they're coming and no one ever sees them. Even more infuriating are chat robots that pretend to talk to you online. Microsoft introduced one of these, but in conversation it blamed George W. Bush for 9-11 and defended Hitler, and was finally taken down, though Microsoft now believe that what happened is instead of a robot, they accidentally employed Katie Hopkins. Frankie? That sounds true, that a chatbot would have blamed 9-11 on Bush and stuff like that. That is absolutely true, yes.

That is absolutely true, yes. Yes, in March 2016, after setting up their new artificial intelligence chat robot, Tay, which was programmed to speak like a teenage girl and to learn from conversations she had with real humans online, Microsoft were forced to take the robot down after just one day. Internet trolls hijacked the teen-focused machine's learning algorithm, causing the robot to speak various messages such as Hitler did nothing wrong,

Bush did 9-11, and Donald Trump is the only hope we've got. In 2005, there were plans to make a 50-foot-tall robot of Michael Jackson that would walk across the Nevada desert, but the idea was blocked by the Nevada Helicopter Rescue Service, Holly. That could be true. I can believe it. Making a robot of Michael Jackson. It is true.

Yeah, you're right to believe it. There were only plans. It didn't happen. But yes, in 2005, plans were made to make a 50-foot robot, Michael Jackson, that would roam the Nevada desert to promote a run of shows he was doing in Las Vegas. But they came shortly after Jackson's child molestation trial and the singer failed to find funding for the project. That would have been weird and amazing. We'd still have the robot, wouldn't we?

We'd have a huge robot child molester roaming the desert. Everything would unlock a child to a 50-foot robot. We'd all be in trouble. This is like a really bad Burning Man trip. I know what each of those words mean

mark robot dogs were introduced to a Miami care home to engage with the residents and nobody knows Ellis surely that's got to be true robot dogs were introduced to a Miami care home. Absolutely. It's got truth written all over it. I'm not on my sheet. Oh, for God's sake. No, that's not true.

But I'm interested that you think, yes, that's barely worth... This is a game where the truth is supposed to be concealed. They're actively looking for homes for dogs that have been abandoned. Robot dogs, it's not the case. But real dogs come with a lot of problems, don't they? I mean, a robot dog is going to get in there, he's going to talk about the war... ..unless hackers get involved.

I'm not saying it's not a lovely idea, but it just hasn't happened. It's not that good an idea, is it? If you were old and lonely, you wouldn't think, oh, dear, if only there was a robot dog that could come in and bark at me so that I could pretend that I was back in the flush with my youth. Woof, woof, how has your day been? Mother's Day is coming up, woof, woof. Now I think that all the dogs are talking,

I'm less worried about my dementia. In 2004, a robot conductor led the Tokyo Philharmonic and the recital of Beethoven's... Surely. If it hasn't already happened, we must be weeks away from that. Because the Russians, they didn't have conductors at all, as they do in communism. So orchestras don't even need conductors.

And I'm actually talking myself out of thinking that this is true. I think it's true. It is true. Yes! Well done. I think it's true it is true yes Sony's

QRIO robot 58cm tall humanoid robot successfully conducted the Tokyo Philharmonic Orchestra in a unique rendition of Beethoven's 5th symphony during a concert in Tokyo in 2004 but as you rightly say Ellis I expect that the Tokyo Philharmonic

knew how to play Beethoven's Fifth and just played it while a little robot danced around in front of it. And robots are vital to modern cooking. There's a robot that can identify individual cheeses, although unfortunately it turned out to be allergic to cheese and broke out

in a rash of rivets. Holly? I bet there's a robot that can identify all cheeses. You're right to bet that. The self-checkout machine in my local supermarket can tell a brie, a camembert, all of them. Well, that just means it can read. But yes, university researchers in Japan have designed a robot with a sense of taste.

The electromechanical sommelier uses infrared rays to identify dozens of different wines, cheeses and hors d'oeuvres. Why do we need a robot to identify food? It saves us the trouble. Yeah. Is it any trouble? No. Of all the labours to save, the labour of noticing what you're eating as well as eating it

is pretty minimal. But nearly everything's like that, though, isn't it? Yeah, but quite often when you get nibbles, you're not sure what you're eating. You must have been to a wedding and they've brought out plates of something and you just hoped it would be edible. Yes, you're right.

For situations like that, a robot that can use an infrared thing to scan it and say it's a sort of duck mousse or whatever. You go, thanks. Nearly all of these things, they just make life more complicated. Washing machines with buttons and stuff and things and little Greek letters and backwards

squiggly clouds and you go, what's that one? And they go, oh, that's if you want to watch the Turing Shroud. I hate robots. I've been so much happier in the 13th century. In many ways, so have I. But I just think of the boils and the infections. That's the downside.

Yeah, but at least you'll be free to identify your own cheese. The most chilling story, though, is that the New York University School of Engineering constructed a robotic fish and placed it in a tank of real fish, and the robot fish was accepted and became their leader. And the university then issued an assurance that this had no implications for humans, as there is no chance that a robotic woman with no apparent human emotions could ever be accepted into the community and allowed to become Prime Minister.

Thank you, Mark. motions could ever be accepted into the community and allowed to become prime minister thank you mark and at the end of that round mark you've managed to smuggle one truth past the rest of the panel which is that the new york university school of engineering constructed a robotic fish and placed it in a tank of real fish and after simulating the tail movements of a leader fish, the robot fish was accepted and became their leader. The scientists were surprised that the real fish seemed to accept a new robotic leader, despite it being encased in a plastic shell and being twice their size. That means, Mark, that you've scored one point.

Larvotics is the name for research into human-to-robot relationships. Basically, people that come into A&E departments impaled on a vacuum cleaner. Next up is Ellis James. Ellis hosts a Saturday lunchtime show with John Robbins on Radio X. Though, of course, we only have his word for that. Ellis, your subject is rain. Condensed water vapour that falls to earth as droplets. Off you go, Ellis.

From the cricketer to the convertible driver, people the world over agree that rain is the best weather, which is why Swansea has such a thriving tourist industry. New York City police, tired of patrolling in the rain and snow, were delighted when police cars were introduced in 1910. However, the cars were all convertibles which had to be driven with the roof down so that police could turn up to a crime scene refreshed and invigorated by the best weather God has ever invented. Celebrity rain fans include River Phoenix, Roger Waters and Vanilla

Rice, who called his children Dusty Rain, Swollen River and Greya. It never, ever rains on Fran Healy, the lead singer of Travis. Holly. It's the Dusty Rain. Is Dusty Rain a name? It is a name. And it's also the name of a child of Vanilla Rice. So, well done. Scientists are still waiting to see the full effects Brexit will have on rainfall,

as we finally take back control of the weather. But what about Indyref 2? If Scotland left the Union, average annual rainfall in the UK would decrease by 8 inches. Frankie. That's true. Yes, it is true. Frankie. That's true.

Yes, it is true. Yes, the average annual rainfall over the whole UK in the period 1981 to 2010 was 45.5 inches, approximately one-eighth of an inch a day. The annual rainfall in the Western Highlands of Scotland is 180.2 inches. But, yes, overall, it would decrease by 8 inches annually in the remnant of the UK if Scotland devolved. If Wales left the Union too,

England on its own would be officially declared a desert. One of the most popular television programmes in Burma is a weather forecast presented by a monkey. The Burmese sneezing... Mark. Yeah, I bet it is. A monkey is doing the weather forecast. No, it isn't. Of course it isn't.

Of course it isn't. Of course it isn't. Of course it isn't a monkey doing... Oh, blimey, we'd better take the umbrella out. Of course... The Burmese sneezing monkey sneezes uncontrollably whenever it rains, so rather than standing next to a big map like Michael Fish or Bill Giles,

the monkey stands outside the window and lets nature take its course. When I was living in Cherrapunji, India, the day they had the world record for rainfall, with over eight feet of rain falling in 48 hours, was the one day I forgot my umbrella. My mum said to me, before I left the house, don't forget your life jacket or you won't feel the benefit. Noah didn't like rain because that story is all everyone remembers him for

and he wanted to be known for his music. So that's rain, or as meteorologists call it, snow that didn't fulfil its potential. Thank you, Ellis. And at the end of that round, Ellis, you've managed to smuggle three truths past the rest of the panel, which are that New York City police cars were all originally convertibles,

which had to be driven with the roof down. Unless a superior officer gave special permission to raise it, patrol officers were required to keep the top down at all times so that their hats could be seen. Rain or even snow was no guarantee that permission would be given. The second truth is that the Burmese sneezing monkey sneezes uncontrollably whenever it rains. And the third truth is that Cherrapunji, India has the world record for rainfall with over eight feet of rain falling in 48 hours, between June 15th to 16th, 1995. And that means, Ellis, you've scored three points.

After the slightest touch from something as gentle as a raindrop, the giant puffball fungus explodes thousands of spores out of a hole in its top into the air. Truly the fungal equivalent of Russell Brand's genitals. Next up is Frankie Boyle. One of Frankie's first jobs after leaving school was as a library assistant in Glasgow. One of the only libraries in the country where you can regularly hear the phrase, don't you shush me pal. F***ing shush me, pal.

Frankie, your subject is Facebook, a popular online social networking site founded by Mark Zuckerberg. Off you go, Frankie. It's easier to leave North Korea than it is to leave Facebook. The average user spends 90 minutes per day between Facebook, Instagram and crying in a Burger King car park. Before Facebook came along in 2007, there was nowhere we could pretend to be happy to annoy our exes or find out that someone we used to go to primary school with is now a racist. Anyone turning to Facebook for happiness is in for disappointment because research shows that Facebook makes you overestimate

how happy your friends are, which in turn makes you more depressed. Mark. Yeah, that must be right. Yes, it is right. According to a study conducted by the University of Houston, spending hours on Facebook reading about the best bits of other people's lives can lead to depression. Facebook uses a special algorithm to make sure that when it suggests people you may know, it always includes one ex-partner, someone who has stalked you since school,

and at least a dozen people who you'd cheerfully describe as your sworn mortal enemy. Stalkers groups have complained that Facebook has taken the thrill out of their hobby and lament the decline... And lament the decline of classic skills like the ability to use binoculars one-handed.

Indeed, in 2010, my Facebook was taken over by a malicious sex predator when I suddenly remembered my password. If you're romantically inclined, you may like to know that Facebook has resulted in more divorces and break-ups than relationships. Constantly. Mark. Yeah, I reckon that's true as well. It is true as well, yeah. A study published in the Journal of Cyber Psychology,

Behaviour and Social Networking found that people who use Facebook more than once an hour are more likely to experience Facebook-related conflict with their romantic partners. Another study in 2012 by Divorce Online UK found that one in three divorces resulted from social media-related disagreements, and a survey by the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers found Facebook to be the number one source of evidence leading to a divorce amongst their

clients. Constantly trying to innovate, the company recently put a button right in the middle of its app that shows you stolen goods in your local area. Facebook also plans to enhance its face recognition software to a level where as soon as you look at other people's holiday photos, it will post, bored shitless, without you having to type. There are about 45 million dead people on Facebook. There it is. Big time. You're absolutely right.

Big time indeed. Some estimates claim that 8,000 Facebook users die each day. At some point in time, there will be more dead Facebook users than living. The thumbs-up icon that represents a like has its origins in ancient times, when citizens of Rome would parade mosaics of their holiday locations in the Colosseum, before the Emperor Diocletian, who would decide whether they would live or die. In May 2011, Mark Zuckerberg surprised his private Facebook friends page

when he posted, I just killed a pig and a goat. He apologised, explaining that autocorrect had changed shagged to killed. Ironically, the inventor of Facebook is so rich he doesn't need, want or have any friends. Indeed, every person that makes a profile on Facebook adds about $170 to the value of the company. But at least it's all for a good cause,

so that a blank-eyed sociopath can own 5,000 identical T-shirts like a serial killer. Holly. Does each person who joins add $170? Yes. Yes. Yeah. Forbes estimate the market value of each new Facebook user to be $168.

Zuckerberg said that he founded Facebook when he realised there was nowhere online for people to see pictures of strangers' lunches alongside poisonous anti-Semitic conspiracy theories. Facebook recently wrote about how unscrupulous people can take its

users' personal data and sell it to advertisers without their consent in a document entitled Our Business Plan. Thank you, Frankie. And at the end of that round, Frankie, you've managed to smuggle one truth past the rest of the panel, which is that in May 2010,

Mark Zuckerberg surprised his private Facebook friends page when he posted, I just killed a pig and a goat. In 2011, Zuckerberg set himself a personal challenge to only eat meat from animals he'd personally killed. It was part of an attempt to eat healthier, he explained. And that means, Frankie, you've scored one point. The average Facebook user has 130 friends.

And I use the word friends wrongly. Which brings us to the final scores. In fourth place, with one point, we have Mark Steele. In third place, with two points, it's Frankie Boyle. In second place, with four points, it's Ellis James. And in first place, with another, say, level six-pointed, this week's winner, Holly Walsh. That's about it for this week. Goodbye.

The Unbelievable Truth is devised by John Naismith and Graham Garden and featured David Mitchell in the chair with panellists Mark Steele, Ellis James, Holly Walsh and Frankie Boyle. The chairman's script was written by Dan Gaster and Colin Swash, and the producer was John Nasmy. It was a random production for BBC Radio 4.