The Unbelievable Truth - 19x01 Cows, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Students, Dolphins

Episode Date: February 18, 2022

19x01 2 October 2017 Arthur Smith, Lou Sanders, Phil Wang, Richard Osman Cows, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Students, Dolphins

We present The Unbelievable Truth, the panel game built on truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. please welcome David Mitchell. Hello and welcome to The Unbelievable Truth, the panel show about incredible truths and barely credible lies. I'm David Mitchell. Our four panellists are champing at the bit to get going. Disappointed that we had to put them in harness, but never mind.

Please welcome Arthur Smith, Lou Sanders, Phil Wang and Richard Osman. The rules are as follows. Each panelist will present a short lecture that should be entirely false, save for five hidden truths which their opponent should try to identify. Points are scored by truths that go unnoticed, while other panellists can win points if they spot a truth or lose points if they mistake a lie for a truth. First up is Arthur Smith. Arthur is a regular correspondent for The One Show,

including a piece on Sigmund Freud when he spent an entire night in his penis. Sorry, house. Arthur, your subject is cows, described by my encyclopedia as large animals related to the ox, which are raised for milk or meat, usually on a farm. Off you go, Arthur. Fingers on buzzers, the rest of you. Cows. To stop their udders freezing, Siberian cows wear bras.

The most common size is the 92 double Z cup. Richard. I bet they do wear bras, Siberian cows. They do. Cows in the eastern Siberian republic of Yakutia where temperatures can reach minus 55 are fitted with bras

made out of rabbit fur to protect their udders from frostbite. The word cow never appears in the St James Bible. The closest it comes is horned moo-making milk monkey. I think that's true. I think cow doesn't appear in the Bible. It would be like milk beast or something. Or horned moo-making milk monkey. No, it does appear. It's seven times

in fact. Show me. I haven't got my Bible on me. Well, that's shame on you, David. It's all in the Old Testament. That's probably the mistake you made. The cow one. The cow testament as opposed to the no

cow testament. That's the no cow testament. That's how most people remember. Which is the one with all the cows in. I always call that the moo testament. Sorry, sorry everybody. So it's the moo testament and the new testament. Yeah, that's how I remember it. It's massively open to confusion. That's all I remember. It's massively open to confusion.

In 1972, on the last night of Aladdin at the Winchester Royal Theatre, the two actors playing the pantomime cow carefully arranged for a real cow to go on stage. Oh, no, they didn't. Oh, no, they didn't. Oh, no, they didn't. Where's my career? Ah.

Well done, everyone. That must be what it was like at Nuremberg. Lou, you buzz. Terrible timing, sorry about that. Yes, I think they got a real cow on stage. No, because as you should know, the Theatre Royal Winchester was a cinema between 1920 and 1974. Cows go moo in nearly all languages,

but the Finnish for moo is amoo. The Malay for moo is homo. The Russian for moo is I got a brand new combine harvester. And the Spanish don't have a word for it. Richard. OK, let's unpack that, shall we, for a moment. I will say that the Finnish one is correct. You're right.

The Finnish one is correct, yeah. Yes. Cows make the sound moo in nearly all languages, though with slightly different spellings, one exception being Urdu, where a cow says bia, and Finnish, where the cow says amu. So calves go, well, it's written here moo, but with umlauts on both of the O's.

So what you do with that orally is unclear to me. But yes, so well done. Richard. There's an old Chinese saying that goes, he who has three cows is not so great as he who has one cow and one beautiful wife. There's another... Lou.

I wouldn't put it past him. Past who? The Chinese. Oh, the Chinese. It sounds like something we'd say. Unfortunately. But in Chinese. Yes.

Which sounds like what, Phil? He's Malaysian. What noise does a Malaysian cow make? I go into our NGs. So cows don't really come up much in our music or literature. Unfortunately, Lou, you should have put it past the Chinese to have that saying, because they don't have it. There is a Chinese saying which is playing the kin or harp to a cow,

meaning to waste effort talking to someone who can't understand. It's like what you're doing to the audience now. Sometimes I feel I'm playing the harp to a cow. Yes, that's quite a good expression there.

You can play a harp to a cow, surely? They like music. Cows like music, do they? How do you know that? There's surely? They like music. Cows like music, do they? Yeah, of course they do. They're very sensitive. How do you know that? There's all sorts of cow music. Moo wave?

I'm keeping a count of the number of times you've done moo and moo. You know what? They're surprisingly easy. Anything with moo, you can just say moo. It works every time. D.H. Lawrence had a cow called Susan, which used to accompany him to literary festivals and awards ceremonies. Now, think of the fartiest person you know.

A cow produces 1,000 times more wind than he does. Richard. Yes, true. That is true. It's about 100 to 400 litres per day while the average person farts about 75 cubic centimetres of gas per day. How many do you do, David? I don't count.

It seems ridiculous, doesn't it? I just take them for granted. Thank you, Arthur. And at the end of that round, Arthur, you've managed to smuggle two truths past the rest of the panel. The first one is that cows moo in nearly all languages. And the second truth is that D.H. Lawrence had a cow called Susan. D.H. Lawrence's cow Susan is mentioned frequently

in his writings. He says, how can I equilibrate myself with my black cow Susan? There is a sort of relation between us and this relation is part of the mystery of love. The queer cow-y mystery of her is her changeless cow-y desirableness.

Oh dear. Cow-y. I've always thought D.leness. Oh, dear. Yes. It's a cow-y. Cow-y. I mean, I've always thought D.H. Lawrence was crap. This just confirms it. I'd just like to say other writers are available. And that means, Arthur, you've scored two points. Arthur, you've scored two points.

Agriculturalists have discovered that blowing air into a cow's vagina will make it produce more milk. The agriculturist who made the discovery has asked us not to give his name. OK, we turn now to Lou Sanders. Lou, your subject is Arnold Schwarzenegger, the Austrian-born American bodybuilder, film actor and politician who rose to fame through roles in blockbuster action movies and later served as governor of California. Fingers on buzzers, everyone else. Off you go, Lou.

OK. One of Arnie's bodybuilding DVDs was called I'm a Big Boy Now and So Can You Be Too. And another was called I Look Good in anything but i look best in nothing at all this one's got arnold on the front cover with just like a tiny two-for-one sticker covering his privates i bought 16 copies no regrets in the terminator arnie's original line was i'll come back and then it was well quite frankly you've not seen the back of me. Then when they were shooting the pantomime scene, which was cut from the final movie, him and Jean-Claude Van Damme played Daisy the cow,

some of you will know that. And when he was asked which end he wanted to play, Arnie said, I'll be the back. And a legend was born. Richard? I think the original line was, I'll come back. You're right. That's true. Although, obviously, in the final film, it was I'll Be Back,

which has been voted the 37th top movie quote of all time. Arnie's got a bit of a temper, and once, when he was on a call to his mobile telephone provider, he was so hopping mad that he fell off his chair and cracked his skull clean open. Arthur. Well, I think he has got a bit of a temper, which is what Lou said,

because I personally got involved in a fight with him once. Did you really? Look, I think the fact that you got in a fight with him doesn't particularly... I mean, I nearly punched you just now. You know, I'm sort of ludicrously placid. But it was part of the whole sentence. Everyone has a bit of a temper. Everyone has some measure of a temper.

Yes, everyone does have a bit of a temper, but I would say colloquially the phrase Arnie has a bit of a temper implies that what he has is anger issues, and there is no evidence he has anger issues. I don't think a bit of a temper equals anger issues. But it was part of a whole sentence, if you were listening. I was listening. It was a finite clause which counts as a sentence.

I think we'll carry on. OK. He did, however, get an upgrade on his phone. OK. His nickname is Little Mr Temper Tension. And he's punched more animals in his films than any other actor, and that includes Meryl Streep. One day, and there's no shame in this,

but one day, doctors think because of the steroids and his addiction to misogyny... LAUGHTER ..his dingle just fell clean off. It happened in the filming of Total Recall, and when he says, ''Hasta la vista, baby,'' you can see the words were, like, dubbed over him, saying,

''Hey, my dingle just fell clean off.'' LAUGHTER No-one going for that? LAUGHTER dubbed over him saying, hey, my dingle just fell clean off. No one going for that? Arnold, or Arnie, to save on printer ink, he learnt to speak English using songs from the sound of music. That sounds entirely plausible. Learning English from the sound of music. That's how I learned it. Well, you're absolutely right. That is true.

When a 19-year-old Arnold moved to Forest Gate in East London to train as a bodybuilder at a gym called the Muscle Mansion... I'll go there. ..he spoke no English, and it was the idea of the owner's five-year-old son, Luke, to teach him using songs from The Sound of Music. Now in his 50s, Luke recalls, his legs were so big we couldn't find any trousers to fit him, so my mother used to make clothes for him.

In return, he insisted on doing the washing up. Now, does that sound like a guy who has a bit of a temper? What makes the story all the cuter is that Austrian Death Machine is a thrash metal band who only use Arnold Schwarzenegger lines in their songs. Oh, by the way, another fact. He collects teapots and has over 2,000 teapots. And when he was living with his wife, they would argue about storage because of the teapots.

And when they eventually split up, lawyers pretended there was a lot of stuff going on, but it was mainly about the teapot storage. Arthur? I think it's quite possible he does own a lot of teapots. That's the sort of thing bodybuilders like, I feel. Um, is it? I would say, if I said

it's possible... Well, you name me a bodybuilder who doesn't like teapots? Arnold Schwarzenegger. I tricked you really good there. OK. Arnie says he turned down the Incredible Hulk TV series because he thought it was too good-looking for the part, which is also why I don't do more acting. Too good

looking, baby. Richard. Leaving the second part aside for a moment, I think that... I thought you were going to come over all David Niven. I believe he did turn down the Incredible Hulk. No, he claims he turned it down

because the role of the Hulk, because he thought he was too good-looking. It seems it was the producers who rejected him, though, on the grounds that he wasn't tall enough. At only 6'2", he lost out to the 6'5", Lou Ferrigno. Hmm, both tiny. I mean, if only you'd been around at that cost. Thank you, Lou.

I mean, if only you'd been around at that cost. Thank you, Lou. And at the end of that round, Lou, you've managed to smuggle two truths past the rest of the panel, which are that Arnie has punched more animals in his films than any other actor. He has punched two camels, two dogs and a reindeer, as well as kicking a crocodile. And the second truth is that Austrian Death Machine is a thrash metal band who use only Arnold Schwarzenegger lines in their songs.

Here is an example of their lyrics. In this case to the song, Get to the Chopper. Get to the chopper, it's the only way out. You want to kill my friends, but we got more guns left. You're going to get back up. They're going to shoot you in the face. It's better than D.H. Lawrence. And Lou, that means you've scored two points.

Next up is Phil Wang. Phil is an engineer turned stand-up comedian who recently returned from performing a one-man show at the Edinburgh Festival. Riveting is one of his favourite bits of engineering. Phil, your subject is students, persons enrolled at a college or university. Fingers on buzzers, the rest of you. Off of engineering. Phil, your subject is students, persons enrolled at a college or university. Fingers on buzzers, the rest of you. Off you go, Phil. The word student originates from the Aramaic stui,

meaning to consume, and the Latin dento, meaning pasta for every meal. Students in ancient Sparta, when they weren't studying modern languages like Latin and Greek, or running to marathon for charity, could also take courses in useful life skills such as deception, stealing and killing. Only one school still teaches these subjects, Eton College.

Richard. I bet they did learn one of those subjects. Was it deception, stealing and killing? Mm-hm. They actually had lessons in deception, stealing and killing. Oh, all of them? All three, yes. The purpose of education in Sparta

was simply to produce and maintain a powerful army. Deception became a trait that students were taught. Ancient Spartan boys were trained to be soldiers from the age of six and were taught to forage and steal food. And they were taught to lie about what they'd done in case of capture. So worst school ever to be a supply teacher. In 1647, students at Uppsala University were so terrified by a sudden invasion of horrible hairy spiders that they were all granted an instant free pass to a first class degree. To this day, every evening at 10 p.m., it's a tradition for Swedish students to open their

windows at the same time and start screaming, whereas in the UK, it is merely a coincidence. According to Google, how much are university tuition fees is the number one phrase searched by Education Secretary Justin Greeney. And according to Bing, no results found. Nicholas Sturgeon has suggested reinstating an old practice whereby medical students in 18th century

Scotland could pay their tuition fees in human corpses, resulting in a rather elegant system that ensured continued medical training for the students who needed it most. Lou. I think that is true. What? Just the last sentence. No, the bit about the students paying with corpses. They used to do that, didn't they? Basically, the bit that he stole. You're doing an amazing impression of Arthur Smith. Is that what you think is true? Yes. Well, you are correct. Thank you. Well done.

I'm not laughing. That should be mine. Yes. Yes, due to the increasing numbers of medical students in the 18th century, many more cadavers were needed. Poorer Scottish students of medicine were permitted to pay for their education in corpses. It explains why the first grave robbers or body snatchers were medical students. According to the book Saving Snowflakes, a guide to student welfare by Dr. Molly Codling, Dalhousie University in Canada has a puppy room where students can go play with puppies to relieve stress. Yulin University in Guangxi, China also has a puppy room where students can go in for a snack between lectures. Arthur.

I think it's plausible there's some university where students play with dogs to ease stress in some sort of mindlessness rubbish thing. Mindlessness? That's what I call it, yeah. You're right. And that place is Dalhousie University in Canada. It has been found that doubling the number of engineering students in the US would increase GDP by 0.5%, whereas the same increase doubling the number of engineering students in the US would increase GDP by 0.5%,

whereas the same increase in the number of law students would decrease GDP by 0.3%. It's no joke there, it's just that I studied engineering and I know that my lawyer sister listens to this show. And that's the end of Phil's lecture. And at the end of that round, Phil, you've also managed to smuggle two truths past the rest of the panel, which are that in Sweden, at Uppsala University, every evening at 10pm, it's a tradition for Swedish students to open their windows and start screaming.

It's a ritual called the flogster scream. According to the university's website, at 2200 hours precisely, the windows open and the screaming begins. It has become a tradition, an attraction, and a much-needed safety valve for all those who feel that a cry of angst can work wonders for handling the stress and demands of student life. And the second truth is that it's been found that doubling the number of engineering students in the US would increase GDP by 0.5%, whereas the same increase in the number of law students

would decrease GDP by 0.3%. And that means, Phil, that you've scored two points. About 8% of the students at the Dunkin' Donuts training centre failed a six-week course. There's no way of sugarcoating that. Because they didn't stay long enough to learn how. It's now the turn of Richard Altman, presenter of the quiz show Pointless with Alexander Armstrong.

Intelligent, charming, quick-witted and fast-approaching national treasure status, Alexander was sadly unavailable tonight. Your subject, Richard, is dolphins. Large, smooth, grey sea mammals with beak-like snouts and curved fins on their back. Off you go, Richard. Dolphins are famously the cleverest animals in the world. During a recent episode of Pointless Celebrities, Professor Stephen Hawking and Susie Dent were beaten by two dolphins from Bristol Zoo. Not the last bit.

Do the one. Not the pointless bit, but aren't they the cleverest animals in the world? No, I think that usually tends to go to humans. The humans are most intelligent. Chimps and bonobos usually beat bottlenose dolphins to third

on these surveys. The dolphins were then beaten in the final by Ed Miliband and Chico. All dolphins stranded on British shores must be offered to the Queen. That woman just loves to eat dolphin. Arthur. I reckon that's true.

It's like the whole swan business. It belongs to the Queen or something. Yes, the Queen still technically owns all the sturgeons, whales, porpoises and dolphins in the waters around the UK in a rule dating back to a statute from 1324. They're recognised as fishes royal and may be claimed on behalf of the Crown. On trips abroad abroad the queen has eaten dolphin crumble, dolphin kebabs

dolphin a la range, Malaysian dolphin fritters, Jamaican jerk dolphin and dolphin vindaloo well let's one of those is going to be true isn't it? so you apparently think well he wouldn't have bothered to make a list

of five of them, surely he wouldn't have bothered to make a list of five of them. Surely he wouldn't. He's a busy man. There's actually six, but go on. It was whatever the fourth one is was true. That's Malaysian dolphin fritters. Yeah, why not? It's not true.

Why do you think Malaysians would eat... What do you have against Malaysians, I guess, is what I'm trying to say. Well, may I say, the idea of a dolphin fritter I find utterly exciting And because Malaysian food is so beautiful I thought they might include that amongst menus Yeah That's a stout defence of your position Arthur

Particularly considering you just said the fourth one And had no idea what it was Before there's any more misery here, let me say that the Queen has eaten none of those things. But who beside the Queen just loves to eat dolphin? An Amazon python can swallow a dolphin, though only an Amazon prime python can deliver a dolphin to your door within two hours. Phil?

I think a python can swallow a dolphin, especially because they're quite slippery. They probably go down pretty smoothly. Pythons eat dolphins like oysters. Don't try and chew it, just swallow it. No, pythons live in Asia and Africa, so there's no such thing as an Amazon python. Boas and anacondas live in South America.

Yeah, you big dummy. When a polar bear eats a dolphin, he'll sometimes freeze the leftovers. Well, in the Arctic, they do love a bit of chilli. Arthur. Well, I think a polar bear... I mean, if you've captured a whole dolphin, you don't want the whole thing for your breakfast, do you? So you'd put a bit aside in the ice and nibble on it later.

Maybe a Malaysian fritter or... You're absolutely right. so you'd put a bit aside in the ice and nibble on it later. Maybe a Malaysian fritter or... You're absolutely right. Polar bears have been recently observed by Norwegian scientists killing and eating dolphins in the Arctic. After eating, a bear would cover the carcass with ice so it could be kept for later. A sexy dolphin is called a dilf. The child of a dolphin and shark is called a dilf. The child of a dolphin and a shark

is called a shofin. The child of a dolphin and a squid is called a squalfin. And the child of a dolphin and a killer whale is called a wolfin. And the child of a dolphin and a documentary cameraman is called a serious breach of professional ethics. That last one is true.

It's got to be. It is a serious breach of ethics yeah fair point there there has never a dolphin a dolphin has never born the child of a documentary cameraman and a documentary camera woman has never born the child of a dolphin. So it would be a serious breach of breth. But who are we to stand in the way of love? But it's not as yet been an issue. I misheard. I thought you meant just yet. Statistically, the most popular name for the child of a dolphin is Finn. The least popular name is Annette.

Dolphins are capable of catching hay fever underwater, but they can't sneeze and they can't get their GCSEs postponed, even though they live in the school. Arthur. Dolphins can't sneeze. You're right, they can't sneeze. Yes, that's... Took a while for the audience to decide how impressed they were by that.

Dolphins live in a highly evolved democracy. Before making any big decisions, they all get together for a meeting, politely wait for each other to talk, before heading to the polling booth where their democracy is only tripped up by their inability to use the tiny pencils. Phil? I think dolphins do live in democracies. I think they all decide together where to swim to and what to eat.

Yeah, I also think that. Me too. Dolphins, I don't know, this is an interesting ruling I have to make. Dolphins don't live in a democracy, but before making any big decisions, they do all get together for a meeting. So, you know, I'm going to give you the point oh thank you yeah yes before dolphins begin any group action the pod holds a meeting with each animal getting a chance to vocalize until a decision is made dolphins recently voted 52 48 to leave the atlantic

Dolphins recently voted 52-48 to leave the Atlantic. And a dolphin who cannot make up his mind is called a flipper. Thank you, Richard. And at the end of that round, Richard, you've managed to smuggle just one truth past the rest of the panel, which is that the child of a dolphin and a killer whale is called a wolfin. And that means, Richard, you've scored one point. Henry V of England once held a Christmas feast which featured a roast dolphin. The curse of a cardo substitution strikes again.

Which brings us to the final scores. In fourth place, with minus five points, we have Lou Sanders. In third place, with minus two points, it's Phil Wang. In second place, with minus one point, it's Arthur Smith. And in first place, with an unassailable six points, it's this week's winner, Richard Osman. That's about it for this week. Goodbye.

The Unbelievable Truth was devised by John Naismith and Graham Garden and featured David Mitchell in the chair, with panellists Gil Wang, Lou Sanders, Arthur Smith and Richard Osmond. The chairman's script was written by Dan Gaster and Christine Rose and the producer was John Nasmy. It was a random production for BBC Video 4.