The Unbelievable Truth - 19x03 Dinosaurs, People's Republic of China, Cake, Bees

Episode Date: February 18, 2022

19x03 16 October 2017 Lloyd Langford, Henning Wehn, Ellie Taylor, John Finnemore Dinosaurs, People's Republic of China, Cake, Bees

We present The Unbelievable Truth, the panel game built on truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. Hello and welcome to The Unbelievable Truth, the panel show about incredible truths and barely credible lies. I'm David Mitchell. Today I have four panellists all desperate for the off. Sorry, desperate to be off. Please welcome John Finnemore, Ellie Taylor, Lloyd Langford and Henning Vane.

The rules are as follows. Each panelist will present a short lecture that should be entirely false, save for five hidden truths which their opponent should try to identify. Points are scored by truths that go unnoticed, while other panellists can win points if they spot a truth or lose points if they mistake a lie for a truth. First up is Lloyd Langford. Lloyd, your subject is dinosaurs,

often very large, chiefly terrestrial reptiles that became extinct over 65 million years ago. Off you go, Lloyd. Fingers on buzzers, the rest of you. Because it looked like a human scrotum, the first scientifically named dinosaur born was named scrotum humanum. Ed Balls was also named in this way. Over 50% of Americans think that

humans and dinosaurs lived at the same time. Only 3% of them are right. Henning? I think it's entirely plausible that half the Americans think dinosaurs and humans lived at the same time. Over 50%? Yeah.

No, no, no. It's at least what I want to think is true. You'd get a point. But no, it's not 50%. It's actually, according to a 2015 survey, it's as low as 41%. LAUGHTER It's really absolutely nothing to worry about. It's really absolutely nothing to worry about.

When Memphis, Tennessee held a dinosaurs live exhibition in 1992, visitors demanded refunds because the dinosaurs weren't alive. John. I think that one's true. That one is true, yes. Yes. Six people asked for their $2.50, yes. Yes, six people asked for their $2.50 admission charge

to the dinosaurs live exhibition at Memphis Zoo to be refunded when they discovered there were no real dinosaurs present. These same people were also very disappointed when they met Reese Witherspoon and she had no spoon. Hortus Henry Jackson, who was later convicted of being a serial killer,

was the first person to play Barney the Dinosaur. Before his execution in 1997, he said that portraying Barney was the worst thing he'd ever done. Ellie. Isn't that true about the man being killed? He was Barney. That's not what Lloyd said. That what you said isn't true either. I think I'm really getting the hang of this game, guys.

Yeah, Lloyd said he was a murderer. He was a serial killer. Yeah, no, he's not. Is that all a reference to the Flintstones? That's a very interesting pronunciation of Flintstones. That's like a very sort of British county. Ah, the Flintstones. Yes, the Flintstones are coming for tea.

I'm not aware of Barney the Dinosaur. What sort of a thing is it? It's not. No, what is it? It was like an awful American children's television programme with a man in a dinosaur suit. That must come from the Flintstones, then. Because that was Fred and Barney, and they were the two...

But Barney, in the Flintstones... In the Flintstones, I don't think Barney was a dinosaur. No, but Henning is rightly saying the idea of both having a cat called Barney and dinosaurs in the show, I mean, that can't have just evolved, you know, twice. So I'm in the 40% of people who agree with that. Maybe

they had Barney Rubble. How do you pronounce the surname Rubble? Well, in German it's Geröllheimer. I believe it's Rublet. Barney Rublet may have been the inspiration for Barney the Dinosaur. So who knows? If you own the copyright to the Flintstones, you may want to be in touch with the people who made Barney the Dinosaur.

Sadly, I don't. A velociraptor actually weighed about the same as Jeanette Cranky. John. Yeah, I can see the two of them on a scale and it balancing perfectly. No. Ah. It's quite wrong. No, despite Jurassic Park, velociraptors weren't as large as they seem in that film.

They were about the size of a turkey. Ah. And Jeanette Cranky, I think, despite being a small human, is considerably... It's the size of two or three turkeys. Yes, exactly. Considerably larger and heavier than a turkey, if that's not ungallant of me to say. The cries of the velociraptors

in Jurassic Park were made from the recordings of a tortoise having sex. The slowest lovemaker in the animal kingdom after Sting. Ellie. I really want the tortoise thing to be true. Well, you're in luck. Yes!

Yeah. Gary Ridstrom, the Oscar-winning sound designer for Jurassic Park, told a reporter in 2015, it's somewhat embarrassing, but when the raptors bark at each other to communicate, it's a tortoise having sex. It's a mating tortoise. I recorded that at Marine

World I don't really remember the noise having sex talented I didn't realize yeah go go on there It kind of goes with some actions, but... I see two or three of the tortoises in the audience have come up. Why were the tortoises having sex in marine world? They're not marine animals. They're thinking of turtles. I'm assuming they were visitors. Dinosaurs had creches, though more often than not, cavemen and women would return from work to pick up their offspring only to find that they had been eaten or, at best, severely nibbled. We know more about dinosaurs than we do about duck-pilled platypuses, Guernsey, giant squid and Amazon's tax calculations.

Ellie. I don't think we know much about squid. You're right. We don't know much about squid. Now, no living giant squid has ever been maintained in an aquarium or research institution, so they remain an enigma. Thank you, Lloyd.

And at the end of that round, Lloyd, you've managed to smuggle two truths past the rest of the panel, which are that because it looked like a human scrotum, the first scientifically named dinosaur bone was called scrotum humanum. And the second truth is that dinosaurs had creches, a fossil of one adult Psittacosaurus dinosaur, surrounded by 34 juveniles, which was discovered in China, has provided compelling evidence that a few adult dinosaurs tended to the young of other dinosaur families while the parents collected food. And that means, Lloyd, you've scored two points. Despite the title, most of the dinosaurs from Jurassic Park lived during the Cretaceous period. Other scientific errors in the films include everything else. Okay, we turn now to Henning Vane. Henning, your subject is the People's Republic of China,

a communist country covering a vast territory in Eastern Asia and the most populous nation in the world. Off you go, Henning. China is the second most orderly country in the world. A trait I very much appreciate. For example, it is illegal to reincarnate in China without filling in a government reincarnation application form. China's top attraction is the Shenzhen People's Amusement Park, where roller coasters include

the Long March, the Cultural Revolution, the 100 Flowers Campaign, and the Crazy Interment Camp Water Boarding Experience. Or why not visit the Long Kwan Buddhist Temple, where you'll be spoken to by the worstest stupid robot

monk. Lloyd. I think they might have a robot monkey not before said temple you're right they do yeah the worthy stupid robot monk is a two-foot tall robot in an orange Buddhist robe that greets visitors at the long Kwan Buddhist temple the only problem that China's got is racism. Lloyd, I thought I would just buzz into groan. The Great Wall of China was held together by sticky rice. But make no mistake, historically China used to have very repressive rice laws and it was illegal to go half rice, half chips.

In the 18th century, all Chinese men wore makeup and one particularly lurid shade reserved for the upper classes was known as mandarin orange, a look some Western leaders have tried to adopt. a look some Western leaders have tried to adopt. Today, of course, China has leapt into the 20th century. Rather than build things out of carbohydrates, the new town of Wang Kuang in Chang Province was partly built from mung beans and soy. John.

I cannot imagine how you build a city out of mung beans, but I press my buzzer now, so is it true? It isn't, no. You're right not to be able to imagine. Yeah, however, that imaginary city was eaten by mice. No wonder that 40 million people in China live in caves. Caves are only rarely eaten by mice, and even when they are,

it just makes for a bigger cave. Despite China having a population of many, many billions, there are only about 200 surnames. I will now list them. I think the surnames thing may be true. It is true.

Yes, yeah. Yeah, there are only about 200 surnames, and almost 85% of the population share just 100 surnames. And this, ladies and gentlemen, is all there is to know about China. Thank you, Henning. And at the end of that round, Henning, you've managed to smuggle three truths past the rest of the panel. 20 years ago, you used to have to produce a speedboat to get that reaction.

The first truth is that it is illegal to reincarnate in China without filling in a government reincarnation application form. China has banned Buddhist monks in Tibet from reincarnating without government permission. The policy aims to cut off the influence of the Dalai Lama by investing power in the Chinese authorities to choose who the next Dalai Lama will be. The second truth is that the Great Wall of China was held together with sticky rice. 600 years ago, Ming dynasty workers built the Great Wall by mixing lime with sticky rice flour. The sticky rice. 600 years ago, Ming dynasty workers built the Great Wall by mixing lime with sticky rice flour.

The sticky rice mortar bound the bricks together so tightly that in many places, weeds still can't grow there today. And the third truth is that 40 million people in China live in caves. Mao Tse-Tung lived in a cave before becoming the country's leader, and many caves have housed generations of the same family. And that means, Henningning you've scored three points next up is Ellie Taylor Ellie your subject is cake a soft sweet baked food sometimes iced or decorated off you go Ellie there are 2,589 listed varieties of cake, according to the UK's Baking Foundation,

which includes conga cake, made from millions of crushed midges, a forest loaf, made with leaves, twigs and assorted fungi, and kapustakirken, a Balkan sponge made in the shape of a cabbage and traditionally topped with a large live slug. If anyone is brave enough to bite into the slug, they become king or queen of slugs and everyone chants to them, you they become king or queen of slugs, and everyone chants to them, you are the king or queen of slugs. Henning.

Now, that list of 2,598 different kinds of cake, that obviously sounds excessive. But if you can just submit your recipe, and then that's considered a new cake, probably they have got a website where that number of recipes is on that i believe it's interesting you've really given us the benefit of your full corporate so so you're thinking on balance do you think there are 2589 listed

varieties of cake according to the uk's baking foundation i. I can see that, yeah. It's not true. All celebrities in the entire world absolutely love cake, with the one exception being Phil Collins, who hasn't touched the stuff since being knocked into a well by a dog while midway through a lovely bit of bunt. Ever since... Ever since he has marked his birthday with a large cheese and ham omelette with a secret number of candles on it instead. Lloyd.

I'll have a punt of that. A young Phil Collins was knocked... LAUGHTER ..knocked into the depths of a well by a jealous, cake-hungry dog. No, it's not true. Is he having an omelette for his birthday? Do you want a buzz? Nah, not after this.

Well, at the end of the lecture you'll find out then. John. Or maybe even sooner than that. I think he does have an omelette for his birthday. No. But at least Henning isn't in suspense anymore that was a charitable bus yes yeah that was very good of you because i think you know everyone was on tenterhooks the duchess of cornwall is a huge fan of betty crocker's ready-made chocolate cake

icing which she reportedly loves to eat straight from the tub with a spoon while watching country file and shouting at kateble to brush her bloody hair. Henny. When they're so hard trying to play like people's person, she probably tells the world that she likes that chocolate sauce or whatever it was what we're discussing.

Whatever that was, what common people can also buy. So they say, oh yeah, I'm like them, i eat that and everyone no you're not so you've unmuted your interior monologue what they eat chocolate cake icing straight out of the tub in huge quantities just like you and me yeah yeah if you say it like that. But no, as far as we know, she doesn't.

She doesn't even eat huge quantities of chocolate icing like a normal person. She's all stuck up eating cucumber sandwiches in moderation. Which one is the Duchess of Cornwall? I don't know. She's not here. Which one is the Duchess of Cornwall? I don't know. She's not here. I wouldn't be nearly so scathing if she was here.

Is the Duchess of Cornwall Camilla or Kate? Camilla. Okay. Kate is the Duchess of Cambridge. She's on the booth, isn't she? Camilla. That's what she says, just to seem normal like the rest of it.

She says she gets through a couple of bottles of Smirnoff before lunch just to sound normal. But in reality, she just drinks white wine in moderation. Stuck up, cow. ..stuck-up cow. APPLAUSE Um...

Ellie. The most extravagant lover of cake was Donna Summer, who once paid for her birthday cake to fly first class. Lloyd. Sounds like, you know, at the height of disco, sounds like that would be a good idea. You're right, that crazy thing happened. Probably the only living thing ever to like cake more than Donna Summer

was the Duke of Wellington's horse, Copenhagen, who died from eating too many sponge cakes, a risk Mel and Sue simply refused to take anymore, and the real reason they left Bake Off. Kate. Henning. There's something about that horse. Will you stop talking about the Duchess of Cornwall?

They're feeding their horses stuff like that. I believe every word of that. But the Duke of Wellington's horse. Yeah. Yes, it's absolutely true. Copenhagen died at the ripe old age of 28 after reportedly indulging in too many sugary dainties such as sponge cakes, bath bums and chocolate creams.

Sports people hold cake in high regard due to a study that claims strategically scoffing lemon drizzle can produce a similar performance enhancement to a low-level amphetamine. In fact, participants at the very first Olympics were served cheesecake, meaning cake has always had a very special significance for athletes. Lloyd. I think maybe eating a bit of cake might produce similar responses to some speed. Have you ever had cake? I've had some very dodgy speed.

This speed's really made me want a nap. Is it... Do I mean speed or do I mean Yorkshire pudding? No, that's not true, I'm afraid. John. I'm going for the cheesecake being served to the first Olympians. You're right, it was. The first cheesecakes were served to athletes at the very first Olympic Games in ancient Greece

more than 2,700 years ago. Cake has infiltrated the world in unexpected ways. For example, the anatomical term placenta is actually the Latin for cake, presumably because Paul Hollywood has a twinkly-eyed opinion on how you could improve it. Lloyd. I think that sounds about right, because the baby feeds off the placenta.

So it's like the womb cake. Yeah. The old uterus fancy. Yeah. You're absolutely right. Yeah. The Latin for cake is placenta, and the Latin for pizza is placenta,

and the Latin for pizza is placenta compressa. And that's the end of Ellie's lecture. At the end of that round, Ellie, you've managed to smuggle one truth past the rest of the panel, which is that conga cake is made from millions of squashed midges. In East Africa, huge clouds of midges that rise out of the tropical rivers and lakes are caught by the millions and squeezed into solid blocks before being cooked with oil into a dish called conger cake. And that means you've scored one point.

The wedding cake was not always eaten by the bride. It was originally thrown at her to symbolise her fertility. Ah, yes, as the saying goes, something old, something new, something borrowed, throw the cake at her! Next up is John Finnemore. John, your subject is bees. Flying insects known for their role in pollination

and, in the case of the European honeybee for producing honey and beeswax. Off you go, John. Albert Einstein once said that an hour spent watching a beehive was the most eloquent argument for the existence of God. But as usual, Einstein was wrong. Bees are rubbish. Honestly, I am sick to death of the stripy little chances.

Buzzing around, giving it the big I, B, adored by all, when they're basically just vegetarian wasps. It's about time somebody finally spoke truth to bees. What's so special about them? Okay, so, fine, sure, they make jam. Well, big deal. So does my gran.

But what my gran doesn't do, okay, is endlessly wander around other people's gardens or fanatically worship the queen. Okay, she actually does do those two things. But the point is, okay, the thing about honey, I meant to say honey before, not jam, is that what honey actually is, is beesick. Henny.

That is true, it's beesick. It is true, it's beesick. Yeah. Yeah is true. It's bee sick. It is true. It's bee sick. Yeah. Yeah. Yes. According to the OED definition, vomiting is the act of ejecting the contents of the stomach through the mouth. And honey is basically flower nectar

that has been regurgitated by bees from their honey stomachs. That suddenly makes the honey monster sound terrifying. Yes. Well, I reckon I could make a teaspoon of honey in about half an hour. How hard can it be? Eat some flowers, throw up in a jar, done. Tell you what, I'll have a go. I'll bring some in the next series,

and I guarantee once you've tasted Finnemore honey, you never go back to me. You've said that before. I'm really touched you remember what else is supposed to be so great about bees oh yeah according to the laws of physics bees shouldn't be able to fly and and yet they do. Henning. Well, they are heavy. I've come to think of it, I've never lifted one. Yeah, I mean, I don't know law, physics. I mean, if I look at them and their little wings and then they go up like that, I mean, you think, how is that possible?

I think you underestimate how rigorous physics has become. It's a myth that was bandied around that bees flew despite the laws of physics because I think you'd have to be quite a stubborn scientist to see something fly that, according to your laws shouldn't fly without then disposing of those laws and starting again you know it's like one of them when leicester won the league they shouldn't have won the league but they did and i reckon the beast they might be doing a very very similar thing not only can they fly but they can fly higher than Mount Everest,

which sure sounds impressive, until you remember Mount Everest can barely fly at all. Lloyd. Can bees fly higher than Everest? Yes. They discovered two bumblebees able to fly at a height of over 29,000 feet,

higher than Mount Everest. The truth is, most bees are solitary misfit loners, living in the run-down flats, which are all they can afford since the divorce, drinking whiskey, listening to experimental jazz, which bees love, by the way, which is another reason to hate them, and only occasionally reluctantly engaging with society when the police enlist their help to track down serial killers. Lloyd.

I think bees love jazz. Don't be silly. Nobody loves jazz. No, they don't. They don't, Lloyd. In fact, the only thing about bees which I do grudgingly admire is that they can pass on messages by imitating each other. Here's how it works.

Suppose you have three bees. Say, BA, BB, and BC. BA can see BB, and BB can see BC, but BA cannot see BC. Now, suppose that BB can see that BC has begun to behave like a bee who can see a rival bee, D, where no bee should be. Now, BB can see BA, can't see BC. OK, says BB, then it's all up to me. To be kind to BA, I'll behave like BC. And relay to BA all BC has to say.

We're getting reports that BC's seen a bee. This is BB reporting for the BBBC. Lloyd, you buzzed. It was a long time ago now. I think maybe the police used bees to help them find serial killers, but I didn't want to interrupt his... Well, you had a long time to think about that. Because it is true that the police enlist bees' help to track down serial killers. But that was a whole poem ago.

It was a whole poem ago. I think it's too late, Lloyd. I can't give you the point. Sorry. I'll take your point off him. LAUGHTER A technique genuinely used by police to find serial killers is geographical profiling,

which uses a map of the killer's crime scenes to locate areas to search. And the police have discovered that by combining computer simulations of bee movements with geographical profiling, they can refine their search algorithms and make the technique more accurate. So, yes, the movements of bees

help the police catch serial killers. Either yes, the movement of bees helped the police catch serial killers. Either that or the police have got too much time on their hands. And that's the end of John's lecture. And at the end of that round, John, you've managed to smuggle three truths past the panel. The first was by the skin of your teeth about the bees helping the police. The second is that bees are basically just vegetarian wasps. Bees and wasps are very closely related. According to the Native Bee Conservancy, millions of years ago, some wasps stopped eating meat and became vegetarians,

and it was these vegetarian wasps that evolved into today's bees. And the final truth is that most bees are solitary misfit loners. Because honeybees are so familiar to us, we tend to assume that all bees live in large colonies. However, the vast majority of our native bees live completely alone. And that means, John, you've scored three points. Which brings us to the final scores. In fourth place, with minus three points, we have Lloyd Langford. In third place, with minus one point, it's John Finnemore. In second place, with no points, it's Henning Veen. And in first place, with an unassailable one point it's this week's winner ellie taylor

that's about it for this week goodbye the unbelievable truth is devised by john nesmith and graham gardens and featured david mitchell in the chair with panelists john finnamore ellie taylor lloyd langford and henny vane the chairman's script was written by dan David Mitchell and the panel will be back with more tall tales