The Unbelievable Truth - 19x04 Boxing, Snails, Bras, Parents

Episode Date: February 18, 2022

19x04 23 October 2017 Lloyd Langford, Henning Wehn, Ellie Taylor, John Finnemore Boxing, Snails, Bras, Parents

We present The Unbelievable Truth, the panel game built on truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. Hello and welcome to The Unbelievable Truth, the panel show about incredible truths and fairly credible lies. I'm David Mitchell. Our four panellists are dizzy with excitement. Well, either that or they've stood up too quickly. So please welcome Henning Vein, Lloyd Langford, Ellie Taylor and John Finnemore.

The rules are as follows. Each panelist will present a short lecture that should be entirely false, save for five hidden truths which their opponent should try to identify. Points are scored by truths that go unnoticed, while other panellists can win points if they spot a truth or lose points if they mistake a lie for a truth. First up is Lloyd Langford. Lloyd is from Wales.

Like many W Welshmen, he has a distinctive accent, a huge affection for his country of birth, and lives in England. Lloyd studied film and television at the University of Warwick, and so did I at the University of my sitting room. Lloyd, your subject is boxing, the sport or practice of fighting with the fists, especially with padded gloves in a roped square ring according to prescribed rules. Off you go, Lloyd. Fingers on buzzers, the rest of you. Boxing, or in Japanese, chinny-chinny knuckle mischief,

is the... ..is the ancient art of punching a complete stranger in your pants and then being paid rather than arrested. Boxing was invented by the Incas, and unboxing and then realising you're missing an Allen key was invented by the Swedes. Famous ex-boxers include Billy Joel, Michaela Strachan, Pope Benedict, Hans Zimmer, Abu

Hamza, who had a formidable hook, and Nicholas Mitchell. John? Well, some of the popes are quite sporty, aren't they? There was that one who was a goalie. I wonder whether Benedict did a bit of fighting in his youth. Well, he was a member of the Hitler Youth. But

I don't think he did any boxing. Right, because he was a pacifist. In boxing parlance, a cyclops is the name for an open cut on the forehead. A mouse is the name for a protruding bruise on a boxer's head. And the shining designates a flow of blood that just won't stop. And it's named for the infamous staircase scene in Stanley Kubrick's 1985 horror classic. Boxers are classified as hefty weight, bruiser weight, tiddler weight, swelter weight, bite weight, heather weight, funter weight,

shrimp, minion or criminal. Penny. Is a cat on your forehead? Are you then known as a cyclops? No. John. I don't know, does this count as a truth? There is a weight called bantam weight. There is a weight called bantam weight,

but Lloyd said, Fanta weight. Yeah, like the fizzy orange pop. Yeah. Invented by the Nazis, I think. Was it? Yeah. Not one of the worst things they did. Because the Coca-Cola factory in Germany,

when the war started, they weren't getting the ingredients from America anymore so they went, well we've got a fizzy drink factory, what can we make? And they invented Fanta. So Fanta was invented by the Nazis? Yep. Not all bad. I hate Fanta. I've just got

more left wing. I tell you, if what they were attempting to do was to make Coca-Cola, they missed by a country mile. Ellie? I think heavyweight was said, and that's one, isn't it? Heatherweight. Oh, that's his accent, though. Don't be racist.

It is true that Lloyd's poor diction has just won him two points, and I don't know what sort of a message that sends out, you know, as the BBC, we're sort of saying, oh, yeah, mumble and succeed. Muhammad Ali was born Alan Putty. Some of Muhammad Ali's most notorious bouts include the brawl in Walsall, the nightmare in Aberdare, and the mucho hitty in Wellwyn Garden City. Muhammad Ali claimed to have seen a Bigfoot, a chupacabra, and 16 unidentified flying objects. Ellie. Bigfoot.

Well? I reckon he saw Bigfoot. He didn't. Bigfoot. Oh. I reckon he saw Bigfoot. He didn't see Bigfoot, no. Or if he did, he kept quiet about it. Brian Blessed says he's seen a Bigfoot. Oh, Brian Blessed says he's seen everything. Oh, he said he's seen a Yeti. Oh, a Yeti. It is a Yeti.

He's an expert. I don't believe him. No. I think he must have stuck a mirror in his cabin. For a window. Despite repeated offers and numerous free samples, boxer Willie Pep turned down the chance to be the face of Viagra. He later described it as the hardest decision of my life. Pep is the only boxer to ever win a round

without landing a single punch. John. Not landing a single punch. You're right. Well done. Yes, Willie... Willie Pep, who held the World Featherweight Championship twice between 1947 and 1950, claimed to have won a round in a fight with Jackie Graves in 1946

without landing a single punch, dazzling the judges with the speed and subtlety of his superlative defensive boxing skill. That's my kind of boxer. A coward. Sugar Ray Leonard and Sugar Ray Robinson were both diabetics. And as such... ..their corner men were allowed to keep a bucket of chomps handy

in case their blood sugar got too low. In the ancient Greek Olympics, killing your opponent in a boxing match was allowed, but he then automatically won, though the crowd would invariably disperse before his post-fight interview. Henning. Was that one of them weird rules they did have? It was. That's absolutely right, yeah.

Athletes competing in boxing in the ancient Greek Olympics would not be held legally responsible if they killed their opponent, but they would be disqualified and lose the match. Thank you, Lloyd. And at the end of that round, Lloyd, you've managed to smuggle three truths past the rest of the panel, which are that famous ex-boxers of that long list, the one that was a boxer, was Billy Joel. In his youth, Billy Joel was a champion amateur boxer, winning the welterweight championship in the Long Island Police Boys Club League. His career ended when an opponent broke his nose, and he went on to pursue a career in music. And the second truth is that a mouse is the name for a protruding bruise on a boxer's head. And the third truth is that Muhammad Ali claimed to have seen 16 unidentified flying

objects. In his book, Amazing Flying Saucer Experiences of Celebrities, Rock Stars and the Rich and Famous, Mr. Timothy Green Beckley quotes retired heavyweight boxing champion Muhammad Ali as saying, actually, I've seen them many times before. I've had 16 sightings total to date. And that means, Lloyd, you've scored three points. Next up is Henning Weyn. Henning is from Germany and says he's very unhappy about Brexit. Sauerkraut is his favourite food. Henning, your subject is snails.

Mollusks with soft bodies, no legs, and spiral shells which move very slowly and often eat garden plants. Off you go, Henning. Snails were invented by Jesus. On an off day. As Jesus famously declared, sometimes you have to hold your hands up

and admit you got it wrong. Snails are all dickheads. And not least because their reproductive organs are in their heads. Like men, they think with their penises and talk through their backsides. That gender issue is addressed and none of them feminists should have anything to complain about. Talking of birds... That gender issues addressed and none of them feminists should have anything to complain about. Talking of birds... Lloyd, do they have their reproductive organs in the head?

They do, yeah. A snail's reproductive organs are located on the right side of the animal's head, usually behind the right eye tentacle. If I can say that without sounding too sexy. I like the usually. It's like when you hire a car. It's usually behind... The windscreen wipers are usually here, but sometimes they're over there. It's the same with snail penises. Oh, this is one of those weird snails where the penis is on the dash

there. Talking of birds, back in the day each and every bird used to eat an average of 6,000 kilos of snails per year. That has come down significantly since gulls changed their diet to chips, candy floss and toddler's eyes. And because there's not much to do in a damn garden, snails are notoriously prone to substance abuse. In Florida, it is therefore an offence to sell them lighter fluid, superglue or cough mixture. Lloyd. I think it is prohibited to give snails cough mixture.

Shamefully, it isn't. Well, I know what I'm doing later, then. Prozac, for example, causes snails to become unable to stick to surfaces. Cocaine makes snails talk relentlessly about their unpublished novel. Ellie. Prozac. Does that make them unsticky? It does. Well done. Yes, scientists have found that antidepressants such as Prozac, discharged in wastewater, can cause freshwater snails to lose their ability to attach to surfaces. A Danish scientist discovered in 1985 that giving a snail Fanta Orange, invented by the Nazis...

John. Yes, Fanta was invented by the Nazis. Giving a snail Fanta orange would cause it to produce excess slime and so move much more quickly. Consequently fizzy drinks were banned by the European Snail Racing Commission in 1991 Bloody Brussels

John I don't think that's why they were but I think they were for another reason. Well fizzy drinks banned No. There is no such commission. The World I don't think that's why they were, but I think they were for another reason. Well, fizzy drinks, banned. No. There is no such commission. The World Snail Racing Championships have taken place in Norfolk since 2008. The current champion is Larry from Swatham.

I have no information on whether or not Larry is a snail. Snails have a reputation for being polite and mild-mannered, but far from it. The ginger Caledonian snail likes nothing better than upsetting young mothers at bus stops with its salty language. The large Persian land snail attacks honey badgers using its spiny horn. The giant triton snail loves to bully starfish and then eat them. Lloyd.

Yeah, the triton snail. You're right about the triton snail, yeah. Causing endless agro is tiring, and snails like a good keep they can sleep for six years which given their lifespan is like a human being asleep for 48 years the only human to have slept for 48 years is Prince Edward and was due to wake up next year a national day of breakfast is planned and a day of commiseration is planned for his wife, Sophie of Wessex, who coincidentally is patron of the British Snail Foundation.

John. Yes, she is. No, she isn't. The president of the British Snail Foundation is Dame Judi Dench. Ellie. Yes, she is. No, she isn't.

Dame Judi Dench kept a menagerie of 14,000 snails in an orangery before it was broken into by Gerard Depardieu, who ate them all. them all. Never wacky Dame Judy believes that snails are her spirit animal. When she first appeared on stage, it was as a snail. John?

That one, I think she first appeared on stage as a snail. Yes, that's the one. Yes, Dame Judy Dench's first stage performance was aged five playing a snail. She said of the experience, I remember I had a brown romper suit on and brown tights and my father made me an enormous shell. All I had to do was crawl across the stage under this shell. Thank you, Henning. And at the end of that round, Henning, you've managed to smuggle one truth past the rest of the panel, which is that snails can sleep for six years, particularly species living in hot, dry climates. In the late 19th century, the shell of an Egyptian land snail in

the British Museum was found to have a live snail inside after four years of being on display. And that means, Henning, you've scored one point. Heston Blumenthal's restaurant, The Fat Duck, serves snail porridge. It's been on the menu since a health inspector spotted some snails in the porridge. And they've been fronting it out ever since next up is ellie taylor ellie once presented a show on bbc3 called snog maria void which i hear is also going to be the title of melania trump's up-and-coming autobiography ellie recently appeared on comedy central's drunkunk History, talking about British history while drunk. Nice to see that they've made a television show out of my hobby.

Ellie, your subject is the bra, a woman's undergarment for supporting the breasts. Off you go, Ellie. Fashion from eucalyptus leaves, golden syrup and parts of Jeff Goldblum. The rudimentary garment remained largely unchanged in design until the Middle Ages, where the golden syrup was replaced with Ron Sil fence paint due to a concern about refined sugars.

It was then rebranded as the Breast Bag because the Fashion Council at the time were big fans of ye olde catchphrase and loved nothing more than saying what they did seeth. Time marched on, but bra design stood still until Marie Antoinette, who loved her little bazuabis so much, she had glass bra cups modelled from them. Sadly, due to the fact they were too heavy

and her lovers kept trying to pour supermarket Prosecco in them while saying, who wants some bubbles? She swore to only wear crop tops for the rest of her life, and so she did until her own top was cropped. Lloyd. I think she got her tartars modelled and made the glass bra cups. I don't understand what you're saying. The thing she said about Marie Antoinette having...

Glass bra cups. ...made. No. There's a myth that there's a certain sort of champagne glass that's supposedly modelled on Marie Antoinette's breasts, but that's not true. In fact, no glassware has ever been shaped around the private part of a king or queen.

It's just... Until tonight. Please watch out. Yeah, absolutely. The new Prince Charles goblet. It's just not... Until tonight. Please watch, go. Yeah, absolutely. The new Prince Charles Goblet. Then came Napoleon Bonaparte, who pushed brassiere design upwards by accidentally inventing metal underwire

while trying to create a fish hook for mermaids. The next big man in the world of boob restraint was author Mark Twain, inventor of the bra strap clasp, who loved all things breast so much that his original name for his great American novel was Hucklebooby Finn, featuring Tom Sawyer nipple. Lloyd? I think the original name for it was Hucklebooby Finn.

No, no, it wasn't why would he have changed the name from that if he thought of that sales would have been through the roof in more recent bra innovation things have begun to get very high tech with a bra designed to break into two gas masks a bra designed to act as a life jacket on contact with water, which really ruined my Alton Towers log film photo, and even a smart bra which tightens its own straps when the wearer needs more support, for example, when trampolining or when

asking for a pay rise in line with your male colleagues. Lloyd, I think I have seen a bra that turns into two separate gas masks, possibly in a dream. I can't see that! I mean, it's everyone's fantasy, isn't it?

That is Lloyd True. Yes, it's known as the emergency bra and retails at $29.99. According to the promotional literature, in case of emergency, when no specialised respiratory devices are available, it can be quickly and easily converted into two face masks without removing any clothes. A little-known fact is that bra design has been crucial to space adventures. Neil Armstrong's space suit was actually made by a bra manufacturer.

Sure, it wasn't very comfortable, but, my God, did it give him a voluptuous silhouette and a real sense of confidence. John? Was it made by a bra manufacturer? It was, yes. Yes, this $ this 100 000 space suit was designed by the international latex corporation manufacturers of the platex bra which won the contract from nasa in open

competition after their prototype suit defeated the space suits of two other manufacturers one rival suit wouldn't fit through the door of the space capsule, and the helmet of the other suit exploded. But other than that one thing, it was powerful. And that's the end of Ellie's lecture. At the end of that round, Ellie, you've managed to smuggle three truths past the rest of the panel, which are that in the Middle Ages, a bra was called the breast bag. An unknown 15th century German author writes about these tuttenseck, or breast bags. Many a woman makes two breast bags, and with them she roams the streets so that all the young men that

look at her can see her beautiful breasts. But she whose breasts are too large makes tight pouches so there is no gossip in the city about her big breasts. That's some medieval literature. The second truth is that Mark Twain was the inventor of the bra strap clasp. In 1871, Mark Twain, under his real name Samuel L. Clemens, invented and patented, quote, an elastic strap with clasp, which he claimed would be most useful for vests, pantaloons, and other garments requiring straps. However, his invention only caught on for one garment, the bra. And the third truth is that there is a bra which tightens its own straps

when the wearer needs more support. Australian scientists at the University of Wollongong have created the Smart Bra, a bra made of intelligent fabric which will change its properties in response to breast motion and thus give better support. This would be very odd if someone just tuned in for that bit. And that means, Ellie, you've scored three points.

Next up is John Finnemore. John recently worked on the adaptation of Stephen Fry's novel The Hippopotamus, where over a number of months he managed to turn this little-known novel into a little-known film. John, your subject is parents, the mother and father of a person or animal. Off you go, John. Parents and parenting were invented in 1961 by the Californian sociologist Dr Eugene Featherman

as a way of ensuring perpetual demand for his state's two major industries, wine and therapy. Parents in Iceland tell their children that if they don't behave, Thomas the Tank Engine will eat them. This is because Icelandic mythology tells of a child devouring blue demon with a round grey face and the voice of Ringo Starr. As a result of this, it is now illegal in Iceland for a child to approach a steam train without a parent holding both its hands, or for parents to threaten their children with fictional characters.

A study by the French psychologist Dr. Eugene Featherman showed that each child in a family receives roughly half as much love from their parents as the one before. Findings that will come as no surprise to my three younger brothers, John Two, the backup, and seriously this again. Henning Thames' parents, George and Daphne Wainwright, live in Sonning, Berkshire, and wish dear Henry would stop doing that extraordinary voice. A feeling shared by Lloyd Langford's parents. Hans and Dagmar Langendorff of Stuttgart. In 1870, Swiss librarian Dr. Eugene Featherman wrote and staged a child-friendly version of Oedipus Rex, in which Oedipus' desires are to beat his father at chess

and give his mother a big hug. Because there's nothing to do in Belgium. When Belgian parents have their seventh son, they may take him to the castle of Lycan to show him to the king of the Belgians. If he's the seventh consecutive son, the king will offer to be his godfather. And if he is the seventh son of a seventh son, the king gets to keep him. Lloyd. I think if you have seven sons in Belgium, then the final one is allowed to meet the king. I think I'm going to give you the point. He doesn't just get to meet the king.

The king will offer to be his godfather. In Belgium, it's customary for the monarch to become godfather to the seventh son the honor is only bestowed if a family has seven sons in a row and the sequence is not interrupted by a girl they brought it in ages ago to sort of encourage everyone to have loads of sons because of infant mortality and then you know maybe a few of them will grow up to be old enough to go and terrorise the Congo. I think that was the system. John. Yes.

I mean, it's quite impressive for you to slag off someone else for their colonial history, I have to say. John F. Kennedy had to ask his mother not to contact President Khrushchev without asking his permission first. Tom. I definitely want that to be true. It is true. Yes, President Kennedy wrote, Dear Mother, would you be sure to let me know in the future any contacts you have with heads of state, etc., concerning requests for pictures, signatures, etc.

Requests of this nature are subject to interpretations, and therefore I would like to have you clear them before they are sent. Love, Jack. Karl Marx's mother, whose name was Dr. Eugene Fetterman, once said to him, I wish you would make some capital instead of just writing about it. Karl Marx's mother, whose name was Dr. Eugene Fetherman, once said to him, I wish you would make some capital instead of just writing about it. Lord Nelson's mother regularly accompanied him into battle,

and when he lost an arm at Trafalgar, told him to go back and look for it so she could sew it back on. I mean, honestly, Horatio, do you think I'm made of arms? Lloyd. I think his mum told him to go back and find his own arm. Um, no. I don't think she was even there. Female ants typically have between two and eight fathers, depending on how good a

party it was, whereas male ants have no fathers at all. Ellie. Male ants have no fathers, in some weird way. You're right. In some weird way, they don't. Male ants have no fathers, and neither do male bees or male wasps.

Male ants have a mother, but no father as males develop from unfertilised eggs. Female ants only develop from their mother's eggs if they've been fertilised by a father ant. This lecture is affectionately dedicated to my own parents, Sally Thinnamore and Dr Eugene Pfefferman. Thank you, John. At the end of that round, John, you've managed to smuggle two truths past the rest of the panel, which are that it is illegal in Iceland for parents to

threaten their children with fictional characters. It was an 18th century royal decree about religious practice and domestic discipline which banned parents from disciplining their children by scaring them with horror stories of fictional characters from stories and folk tales. And the second truth is that Karl Marx's mother once said to him, I wish you would make some capital instead of just writing about it. And that means, John, that you've scored two points. Which brings us to the final scores. In fourth place, with minus three points, we have Henning Vein. In third place, with minus two points, it's John Finnemore. In second place, with no points, it's Lloyd Langford.

And in first place, with an unassailable one point, it's this week's winner, Ellie Taylor. That's about it for this week. Goodbye. The Unbelievable Truth was devised by John Nixley and Graham Darden and featured David Mitchell in the chair, with panellists John Finnamore, Ellie Taylor, Lloyd Langford and Penny Vane. The chairman's script was written by Dan Gaster and Christine Rose and the producer was

John Nasman. It was a random production for BBC Radio 4. David Mitchell in the panel will be back at the same time.