The Unbelievable Truth - 19x05 Twins, Sean Connery, Golf, Photography

Episode Date: February 18, 2022

19x05 30 October 2017 Tony Hawks, Holly Walsh, Mark Steel, Fred MacAulay Twins, Sean Connery, Golf, Photography

We present The Unbelievable Truth, the panel game built on truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. Hello and welcome to The Unbelievable Truth, the panel show about incredible truths and barely credible lies. I'm David Mitchell. Well, I've got four eager beavers with me tonight, and hopefully there'll be time to see them after the show. But first, please welcome Mark Steele, Holly Walsh, Tony Hawks and Fred McCauley.

The rules are as follows. Each panelist will present a short lecture that should be entirely false, save for five hidden truths which their opponents should try to identify. Points are scored by truths that go unnoticed, while other panellists can win points if they spot a truth or lose points if they mistake a lie for a truth. First up is Tony Hawks. Tony is often confused

with the famous skateboarder Tony Hawk, but we've booked him now, so better make the best of it. Tony, your subject is twins. Two children born at the same time to the same mother who are either identical or fraternal. Off you go, Tony. Fingers on buzzers, the rest of you. Twins Morris and Robin Gibb were taller than the other Bee Gees and wrote the song Tragedy about their decision to sing in stupidly high voices. Yeah, they were taller than the other one.

No, it's the other way round. The non-twin was taller than the twins. What was his name? Barry was taller than Morris and Robin. He was over six foot, Barry. Was Barry a brother then? They're all brothers, but two of them are twins.

Was he older or younger? Yes. Which one's still alive? I think it is the tall one. Interesting. I think Robin is dead because I went to his memorial garden in Miami. Yeah, well... Let's hope that's the case,

otherwise there's been an administrative error of a colossal. It'd be very, very insensitive. It's like listening to an episode of Moose. Tony. Piers Morgan has a twin. to an episode of moose Tony Piers Morgan has a twin well, less a twin, more a decaying portrait of himself that he keeps in the attic of his house

the Wright brothers, who first had the idea to fly, were twins apart from the twin engine plane they're also credited with inventing the twin set, the twin tub the hotel twin room and twine. Holly. I bet one of them is true.

I'm going to go for twin tub. The Wright brothers invented the twin tub. The twin tub, yeah. No. I think the Wright brothers were long dead before the twin tub was invented, which is ridiculous, really, because the aeroplane is much better before the twin tub was invented which is ridiculous really because the airplane is much better than the twin tub and you'd imagine that humanity would invent things in order of how good they are I'm always amazed by how late they introduced wheels to suitcases yeah that's a good point yeah I mean that was you see them everywhere now you never used to see

yeah but my theory still holds with that in that the wheeled suitcase was invented after the less good unwield suitcase. But this is a discussion that could only ever take place on radio. I'm not so sure that the aeroplane's a better invention than the twin tub. I mean, if somebody's got a huge pile of dirty washing, an aeroplane's useless to them. Well, you could fly it to the non-direct. Yeah, I mean, I see what you mean.

But also, I mean, the aeroplane is still the leading form of flying around, whereas the twin tub isn't even the leading form of washing machine, is it? It's been superseded. By a single tub. But arguably a helicopter is better than an aeroplane. Again, it's an aeroplane. Arguably by who? Who would argue that?

I am arguing. A little helicopter that's like a wasp next to Concorde. Yeah, but a Concorde has been taken out of use, so that doesn't count. I mean, that's a tragedy, isn't it? It's the twin top of airplanes. Yeah. And it was twin boys from Ohio who came up with the wedgie-proof underpants we all used to wear to school. Most Hollywood actors have twins.

Kevin Bacon has an identical twin. Alec Baldwin has a fraternal twin. Andy Garcia was a Siamese twin. The list is endless. Holly. I think there are two Bacons. Smoked and unsmoked. Well, there are two bacons. Smoked and unsmoked. Well, there are two

bacons. He's got an older brother, but not a twin. In 1968, the Swiss village of Dirt twinned with the German village of Muck. In 2012, the US town of Boring, Oregon twinned with the Scottish village of Dull. Fred. Yeah, that's true.

Dull and Boring twinned. You're absolutely of Dull. Fred. Yeah, that's true. Dull and boring. Twinned. You're absolutely right, Fred. Yes. And the Cumbrian town of Cockermouth still can't find anyone to twin with. Twins make much better soldiers than non-twins because the enemy get confused in combat

when they seem to have to kill the same soldier twice. Thank you, Tony. the marriage works well because he sleeps with each one three nights a week and with both on Sundays. Thank you Tony. At the end of that round Tony you've managed to smuggle four truths past the rest of the panel which are that Andy Garcia was a Siamese twin. He was born with an undeveloped conjoined twin the size of a tennis ball attached to his shoulder, which was surgically removed. The second truth is that it was twin boys from Ohio, Jared and Justin Cerevich, who came up with wedgie-proof underpants. Justin explained how they work. When the person tries to grab you, like the bully, or the person tries to give you a wedgie, they just rip away. Very well put, Justin.

The third truth is that the Russians have a twins-only paramilitary unit. In 1988, riot police in the southern Russian town of Rostov-Nadonu put together an armed unit formed solely of identical twins. The unit was assembled after three pairs of twins enlisted almost simultaneously and instructors liked the way the twins worked together as a team. The fourth truth is that in 2009 a Thai man named Witch Eye married twin

sisters simultaneously. He sleeps with each one three nights a week and both of them on Sundays. And that means, Tony, that you've scored four points. X Factor twins Jedward always stand with John on the left and Edward on the right when making public appearances. In other words, they never stand like that anymore. In 2008, a British couple who realised after their wedding that they were twins separated at birth

were granted a marriage annulment. Well, it was either that or move to Norfolk. OK, we turn now to Holly Walsh. Holly, your subject is Sean Connery, the Academy Award-winning Scottish actor best known for his film portrayal of James Bond. Off you go, Holly. There are two things that everyone knows about Sean Connery.

One, that he's Welsh, and two, that he's one of the stupidest men who ever lived. On his birth certificate, his name is actually spelt S-H-A-U-N, but he's never been able to spell it right. Tony. I think his name is spelt S-H-A-U-N on his birth certificate. My dad spelt my name wrongly on my birth certificate, so I think it's plausible that it was an error by his parents. Anyway.

I hate to say this, Tony, but if it's spelt wrongly on your birth certificate, what that actually means is you've been spelling it wrongly. That is your name, unless you've changed it by deed poll. How is your name spelt, then? Chuck. No, his name is spelt correctly on the first of it, and it is Thomas Sean Conrad.

Ah, OK. But Sean, S-E-A-N. My intention is to whittle away these four points I've gained as quickly as I can. Well, if removing 25% of something can be defined as whittling, then you're already doing it. The best example of his stupidity is that Sean Connery has absolutely no idea he's actually an actor.

In fact, he was so confused during the making of Dr No that he insisted on saying the name's Connery, Sean Connery, and kept asking Dr No if he'd mind having a look at the weird rash on his balls. This inability to differentiate between fact and fiction has meant that he's turned down parts in several massive movies, thinking they were genuine job offers for which he was unqualified. For example, he refused to play Robocop

because he thought they would turn him into an actual robot. He turned down Gandalf in Lord of the Rings because he didn't know any magic. And when asked if he wanted to be in Showgirls, his first reply was, Sure, how many? Tony. Well, one of those he turned down. I think he turned down Robocop. No, he didn't turn down Robocop.

Another whittling there. Back in the real world, Sean Connery is so stupid, he's struggled to hold down a huge array of jobs. He's been a butcher, a baker, a candlestick maker, a candlestick destroyer, a milkman, the milk tray man, the Milky Bar Kid... Mark. Milkman.

Yes! He was a milkman. Milkman. Bullseye. Yes. Yes, he left school at 14 and worked as a milkman before joining the Navy. He's been the milk tray man, the milky bar kid, a milk monitor, a coffin polisher, a French polisher and a Polish polisher.

The one thing he is very good at, however, is impressions. He's famed for his spot-on impersonations of celebrities such as the taller Chuckle Brother, Roger Moore, Brian Blessed, Sweet from the City Show and a slightly un-PC Ken Hom. In fact, he did such a good impression of George Best that he ends up playing three international games for Northern Ireland, and so Matt Busby offered him a place at Manchester United. And that's everything I know about Sean Connery,

which I can assure you is a lot more than that idiot knows about himself. Oh, thank you, Holly. Thank you. Well, Holly, at the end of that round you have also smuggled four truths past the rest of the panel gandalf yes one of them is gandalf yes connery turned down the part of gandalf in lord of the rings director peter jackson had wanted Connery to play the part so much he'd offered him 15% of the worldwide box office for all three films. I mean, Connery turned down the offer because he didn't get the script, saying, I read the book, I read the script, I saw the movie,

I still don't understand it. The second truth is that Connery was so confused during the making of Dr. No that he said the name's Connery, Sean Connery. According to the actress Eunice Gason, who played the first ever Bond girl, Sylvia Trench, during the filming of the scene in Dr. No where Connery as Bond introduces himself to her, he was so nervous that he kept fluffing the now famous line by giving his real name. She says he came out with other permutations like Sean Bond and James Connery. The director, Terence Young, told me to take him away for a drink or two to calm his nerves. The third truth is that one of the other jobs he's done is that he's been a coffin polisher.

After leaving the Navy, Connery returned to Edinburgh and took a number of jobs, including coffin polisher, bricklayer, lifeguard, and a nude model to Edinburgh art students. And the fourth truth is that Sir Matt Busby offered him a place at Manchester United. He was offered a £25 a week contract to play for Manchester United in the early 1950s, but turned it down because he believed there was more career longevity in acting than football.

David, might I, before we move on for the audience, do my Sean Connery impression? Please do. Here you go. That's Sean Connery trying to understand Lord of the Rings. And that means, Holly, you scored four points. Sean Connery acted in seven Bond films. Roger Moore also appeared in seven Bond films, but only acted in about one and a half.

Sean Connery was in the Royal Navy, but he left after being given a seaman's discharge. Well, these things happen. I imagine he gets lonely at sea. Next up is Mark Steele. Mark, your subject is golf, a game played on a large open-air course in which a small hard ball is struck with a club into a series of small holes in the ground

in as few strokes as possible. Off you go, Mark. Although universally renowned for their snobbery, there is a sound reason why golf clubs insist on strict membership rules to protect standards, which is that if they let the working class in, they'd just ruin the greens by dancing up and down on them, singing My Old Man Said Follow the Van on a piano, and then they'd tape all the clubs together to make one long pole and use it as a chimney sweep getting so all over the fairways and then

turn the clubhouse into a shop selling everything for a pound and there's a really good reason why golf clubs bar women from joining it's because the ball could easily get lodged in their cleavage and then the lady would become hysterical and run home crying and then the player would have to play the next shot from her kitchen where she'd be baking to recover some women have addressed this problem by owning their own golf course such as diane abbott who's turned the whole of hackney into a crazy golf course with with a huge windmill over hackney marshes and celine fred yes there aren't women only golf clubs yes but that's not what Mark said. He said some women have addressed this problem by owning their own golf course.

Okay, well, some women own their own golf course. Yes, well, that is true, actually. There will be women who own golf courses. Right, but that's not the truth. Well, you know, maybe one of the women Mark is suggesting is true, like Diane Abbott's not true. But you never know. I mean, in a way, you've spoiled the fun of this bit.

That was my sole intention. But certainly, you know, it's been several hundred years now that women have been allowed to own property. So, I don't know, maybe a bonus point. Yeah, have a bonus point Wait, a man just got a bonus point

because women can own property There had to be some motive for it And Celine Dion, who owns a golf course singing the theme titanic whenever a ball sinks in the water tiger woods was tony i think celine dion i regret this already i've been sort of swept into this by fred's enthusiasm about women owning golf courses but she probably does own a golf course she's so rich she's got to own one somewhere the fact that she's so rich doesn't mean she'd own a golf it does it does it does david one of the necessary precursors to own a golf course is to be rich doesn't mean if you're rich you're going to go

great a golf course just tell me Le Mirage Golf Club near Montreal. Tiger Woods was once disqualified from a tournament in Wyoming when it turned out that the birdie three he'd scored on the seventh hole had actually been played by one of his prostitutes, who had a perfect swing and she had clients who loved being thrashed on the buttocks with a five iron. Every rapper is a top golfer 50 cent played off a handicap of 12 until he was seen asking his caddy for an uzi automatic rifle and shooting the ball into the hole snoop dog plays off an 18 handicap which is the basis for his track on the dog father that goes when your hood's real mean

you can rule the scene by on hole 17 you can reach the green Fred I think Snoop Dogg is a golfer and might well have an 18 handicap yeah he does have an 18 handicap yeah it goes to show he doesn't golf enough I don't understand golf so it's 18 crap boys verging on crap yeah what's your handicap what's your handicap are you assuming i'm a golfer just no i'm assuming you're a rapper what do you think i think it's marvelous actually that in recent years scottish people have been allowed to own golf they can have a bonus point here's a flaw in one of our English expressions. We say, I'm feeling a bit under par today.

But under par is a good score in golf. So that should be that you're feeling terrific. If par is just a golf metaphor, like I imagine goal is from football, then you're right, it's badly used. But if it's a game that predates the golf thing... That's another one. In football, they say he's hit the back of the net. He hasn't. He's hit the front of the net. Yeah, no, that's true.

You want to hang out with me a lot more? I think this is the closest you've ever come to sporting banter. Yes. I realise why I've avoided it up to now. But yes, Snoop Dogg plays off an 18 handicap. When Einstein published his general theory of relativity, the New York Times sent their golf correspondent to cover the event, whose review began, according to Einstein, space isn't a straight line,

but is shaped like the sixth fairway at Medina. Holly. I can imagine they wouldn't know who to send, space isn't a straight line, but is shaped like the 6th fairway at Medina. Holly. I can imagine they wouldn't know who to send, so they would send... It sounds weird enough that that's possible. Yes, well, you're absolutely right. They did. The New York Times sent their golfing correspondent, Henry Crouch, to cover the event in London, as he happened to be in the UK for the Open Golf Tournament at St Andrews. Though Crouch was no expert in the mathematics of four-dimensional space-time,

his piece in the New York Times was considerably more enthusiastic than those in the British press, which were markedly restrained as to the importance of Einstein's theory. He probably said, your theory is under par, and I mean that in a complimentary way. A golfer called Tommy Thunderbolt was fined for farting on the course and veteran golf commentator peter alice said oh my what a pity well he did rather let rip and let's hope the poor chap didn't follow through which would make an unseemly mess of the eighth fairway but not to worry not to worry golf is a lethal sport golfers can get golf ball liver from licking golf balls though many people wean themselves off the habit by vaping

with a table tennis ball is it true that old-fashioned golf balls were poisonous that is not true but that's not what mark said well i mean if you licked it you'd get something yes that is true golfers can get golf ball liver from licking golf balls Golfers who give their golf balls a go-faster lick before teeing off risk exposure to weed killers which can cause golf ball liver. Is that a thing? What? To lick a ball to make it go faster.

Apparently in some context, it is. I suppose, you know, people must think, you know, can't hurt. Thank you, Mark. And at the end of that round, Mark, you've managed to smuggle one truth past the rest of the panel, which is that a golfer called tommy thunderbolt was fined for farting on the course tommy thunderbolt was fined 250 dollars at the memphis open invitational in 1959 while his opponent was attempting a putt

i think the fart happened during that i don't think the fine happened then anyway that means mark you scored one point I think the fart happened during that. I don't think the fine happened then. That'll probably happen later. Anyway, that means, Mark, you've scored one point. At a 1984 tournament in Memphis, professional golfer Gary McCord split his trousers open, revealing that he was wearing no underwear and providing an unexpected glimpse of the first hole. Next up is Fred McCauley.

Fred, your subject is photography, the art or process of taking photographs either on light-sensitive film or in electronic digital form. Off you go, Fred. In the 19th century, images captured by a camera were originally known as paralenticular photovitriographs, or they were until 1860, when Queen Victoria shortened the title to photo. Near the end of her reign, when Queen Victoria was pictured holding a baby,

she was so scared of dropping it that a royal maid was secretly placed beneath her vast skirt to hold the baby firmly in place. Mark. Yeah, that sounds right. The hiding baby-holding maid maid that's absolutely true yes well done yes in later life queen victoria had lost almost all the strength in her arms and could not support even a newborn baby so photographs of her holding her infant grandchildren had to be faked by placing a maid under her hooped skirt to hold the child in place. So whenever you see Queen Victoria with a big...

You've no idea what's going on under there. Churchill looks grumpy in the £5 note because the photographer who took his portrait had just snatched the cigar from his lips and popped in a Werther's original. Moments later, Churchill's face was wreathed in smiles as the crisp outer shell parted to release the sumptuously creamy inner caramel. The first photo finish in a horse race took place at Sandown Park in 1897. As they reached the finishing post, the horses had to pause,

hold the position for 30 seconds while the photographer made his exposure. Mark. Right, not the pausing bit, but I reckon that would be the first photo finish. No. No, of course not. How could they take it that quickly? Of, not the pausing bit, but I reckon that would be the first photo finish. No. No, of course not. How could they take it that quickly? Of course not. Yeah, they still had portrait finishes then, I think. Now, the first

photo finish... I've got overexcited. First photo finish was at the Del Mar Turf Club in California in 1937. Yeah. Saga magazine briefly introduced a saucy photo feature titled Reader's Mothers. And the bi-monthly Barbed Wire Collector magazine

featured a section where married barbed wire collectors were invited to send in photos of themselves with their collections to be crowned Prickly Pair of the Month. Holly. People who love barbed wire would get magazines and they would want people to know that they were keen barbed wire lovers.

That's exactly why I'm assuming this does in fact happen. Oh. Each prickly pear photo had an accompanying article about the couple, including how long they'd been married and how big their collection was. Can you imagine how their courtship happened, though? You know, you like barbed wire too. You know, they're kind of made for each other i don't think many of those couples were both really equally into barbed wire don't you i think i think that sometimes in a relationship you show interest don't you trying

i've really been trying to get into barbed wire more because ken really loves barbed wire and you know and they're probably, let's be honest, where, because of some failure of communication, actually secretly neither of them have barbed wire. And they're both sort of going through the motions because they think the other one's keen. Let's hope they come to that realisation. Photographic giants Kodak

sponsored America's first full-colour TV detective series. The hero was to be called K and they changed it to Kojak. Kodak. I don't mean it. No, it wasn't. Now, what you're doing there, isn't it, is sniggering at me. That's not becoming of the host. I'm just of this show.

Just entering into a general spirit of jollity engendered by the evening. I'm not mocking you directly. It's really hard, this, trying to spot all these truths. And you'll just sit there all smug because they're all written down for you. Yes, now this is definitely, I'm much more comfortable in this role. Visitors are not

permitted to take flash photos of the log cabin in which Abraham Lincoln was born as it might damage the logs. Visitor to Trump Tower are not permitted to take flash photos of the log cabin in which Abraham Lincoln was born as it might damage the logs. Visitor to Trump Tower are not permitted to take flash photographs because the designer responsible for the decor is so ashamed. Thank you, Fred. And at the end of that round, Fred, you've managed to smuggle

three truths past the rest of the panel which are that in 1860 it was Queen Victoria who first shortened the word photograph to photo. According to the Oxford English Dictionary, the word photo was first used by her in a letter dated in that year. The second truth is that Churchill looks grumpy on the five pound note because the photographer who took his portrait had just snapped the cigar from his lips. The photo was taken in 1941,

just after the Nazi puppet government in France had sworn to wring the neck of Britain like a chicken. Churchill's steely, belligerent glare in the picture, which appears to show a face resolute in the face of crisis, was only achieved when the photographer, Yusuf Karsh, cheekily plucked the cigar from Churchill's lips moments before the shot was taken. And the third truth is that visitors are not permitted to take flash photos of the log cabin in which Abraham Lincoln was born, as it

might damage the logs. Incidentally, seven American presidents were born in log cabins. And that means, Fred, you've scored three points. A photo of Princess Diana was once used on posters promoting birth control in Pakistan as a prominent example of a woman who only had two children. She used the birth control method known as hating your husband. Which brings us to the final scores.

In fourth place, with minus one point, we have Mark Steele. In third place, with no points, it's Tony Hawks. In second place, with three points, it's Holly Walsh. And in first place, with an unassailable four points, it's this week's winner, Fred McCauley.

That's about it for this week. Goodbye. The Unbelievable Truth is devised by John Naismith and Graham Garden and featured David Mitchell in the chair, with panellists Mark Steen, Holly Walsh, Tony Hawks and Fred McCorley. The chairman's script was written by Dan Gaster and Christine Rose and the producer was John Lacey. It was a random production for BBC

Radio 4.