The Unbelievable Truth - 19x06 Doughnuts, Jellyfish, Twitter, Star Wars

Episode Date: February 18, 2022

19x06 6 November 2017 Tony Hawks, Holly Walsh, Mark Steel, Fred MacAulay Doughnuts, Jellyfish, Twitter, Star Wars

We present The Unbelievable Truth, the panel game built on truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. Hello and welcome to The Unbelievable Truth, the panel show about incredible truths and barely credible lies. I'm David Mitchell. Tonight we welcome onto the panel four of the funniest comedians in this theatre tonight. It's Mark Steele, Holly Walsh, Tony Hawks and Fred McCauley.

The rules are as follows. Each panelist will present a short lecture that should be entirely false, save for five hidden truths which their opponent should try to identify. Points are scored by truths that go unnoticed, while other panelists can win points if they spot a truth or lose points if they mistake a lie for a truth. First up is Tony Hawks. Tony Hawks regularly communicates with young people, disappointed that he's not the pro skateboarder Tony Hawk. It's not that Tony can't do an extreme backside air, just that this mainly happens after dinner. Tony, your subject is doughnuts, small cakes of sweetened dough, most commonly ring-shaped or injected with sweet filling.

Off you go, Tony. Fingers on buzzers, the rest of you. If you eat 40 doughnuts a day, you can not only lose substantial amounts of weight, but you can become ever more attractive by the day. How else do you think I got to look like this? Listeners at home need to know that I am sex on legs. Listeners at home need to know that I am sex on legs. I'm still waiting. Three people claim to have invented the hole in the middle of the donut.

Holly. Is that true that a lot of people think they invented the hole in the donut? I imagine it's quite common. If by a lot you mean three. Yeah. No. could you invent that what could you be the person who copyrighted the hole in the donut yes a location specific absence of something you see what i mean no but i mean polo like the mint with the hole is their thing you can't now have another mint with a hole right i mean you said no so this is pointless.

Don't let that put you off. I mean, it's all a futile exercise. We're just easing people's slow march to the grave. That's what radio comedy is, you know. Stay with us, we'll get you half an hour closer. Lovely little

audio hospice. Three people claim to have invented the hole in the middle of the donut. David Davis, who made it the basis for his Brexit policy. A man called Seth Berlin, who was a 19th century exotic dancer from Minneapolis,

who used to pop a donut on the end of his right honourable member as part of his act. A 1970s super chef, Fanny Craddock, whose original donut recipe, complete with illustrations, is still available on the BBC Food website. I used the recipe last Sunday and was amazed to see that my doughnuts really did look exactly like Fanny's. In 1959, popular American singer-songwriter Frankie Lane sued the owners of the Chicago Doughnut Emporium

after they called it Donut Forsake Me Oh My Darling. Fred? I just thought I'd come in and say hello. But I think that may be true that there was a legal case over the name Donut Forsake Me Oh My Darling. There was no such case I'm afraid afraid. No, but hello. Hello. Seven famous people have worked at Dunkin' Donuts on their way up, but I shall list only five here. Madonna was sacked from Dunkin' Donuts for squirting a customer with jam. Bruce Willis, who was fired from the 52nd Street store in Manhattan for constant tardiness,

and Ed Sheeran, who wasn't sacked from the store in Ipswich. In fact, he still works there part-time when his record sales drop below three million. Mark. Bruce Willis. No. No, Bruce Willis works as a security guard, a bus driver, and a private investigator.

Oh, no. Not in Dunkin' Donuts. There's something about him that says, no tardiness. He seems punctual, doesn't he? He does, doesn't he? He's always... He never comes running in late in Die Hard, does he?

No, that's what I always think if I'm ever slightly disappointed by a performance of his, I think. But I expect he was punctual, so... No. In 1864, in Lille, France, three nuns discovered that gastric wind

caused by doughnuts could be harnessed and used to revive wilting plants. Perhaps the reason why the French used to call their doughnuts nuns' farts. Oh, I want that to be true. Please tell me that the French slang is nun's fart.

That is true. Yes, nun's fart, or paix de non in French, are small doughnuts made from choux pastry. Dunkin' Donuts have the following exotic flavours around the world that they like to boast about. flavours around the world that they like to boast about. Bubble gum flavour in Canada, chocolate ant flavour in Norway, and glazed garlic in South Korea. Mark. Glazed

garlic in South Korea. They must have. Yep. They also sell a glutinous rice cream cheese donut in South Korean branches of Dunkin' Donuts. Plus a donut filled with fermented cabbage There's a donut shop in Tennessee run entirely by entrepreneurs whose previous businesses have failed It's called flops and donuts. There's a donut shop in Michigan run entirely by policemen called cops and donuts

Holly I reckon there's a shop called Cops and Donuts because cops and donuts go hand in hand. You're right. Yes. A 100-year-old donut shop in Clare, Michigan, was saved from closing by nine members of the Clare Police Department who renamed the shop Cops and Donuts.

Do they shoot the holes? Recent additions to donut ranges include the Yo-Nut, a donut with yoghurt in the middle, the Do-Ni-Corn, a donut with a horn, and the Do-Zee-Nut, a donut eaten late at night to assist sleep. Mark. Yoghurt one. Sorry. The yoghurt one. The yog Yogurt one. Sorry. The yogurt one.

The yogurt one's real. The yogurt one. The yo-nut. I think David may have had a dozy nut earlier. Tony's, your whole delivery assisted sleep. The yogurt one. The yogurt one. Let me just look through my files. The yogurt one.

When you were talking about sliding towards death, I don't think anyone realised it was during the show. I was hoping to make it, but who knows. The yoghurt one is not true. Anymore for anymore. Because that, by the way, was the end of Tony's lecture

that I failed to spot. Yes, Tony, at the end of that round, you've managed to smuggle two truths past the rest of the panel, which are that Madonna was sacked from Dunkin' Donuts for squirting a customer with jam. She was fired on her first day. Do you think it was her first sale?

You sound surprised, as though that's the most shocking thing she's ever done in her career. I mean, if she'd stuck at that, she could have been manager of that shop. And the second truth is that the Donicorn is a donut with a horn. According to Cosmopolitan magazine, you might have thought you'd seen all there is to see in unicorn food. all there is to see in unicorn food. I don't think I had thought I'd seen all there is to see in unicorn food, but I suppose I might have done.

Yes, you might have thought you'd seen all there is to see in unicorn food, but you haven't. Introducing Donicorns, the magical combination of unicorns and doughnuts, decorated with eyelashes, a unicorn horn, flowers and sprinkles, like unicorn cakes. They're taking over Instagram. So, you know, if you are just the 30 people left alive after the global war, everything that was destroyed wasn't all good. And that means, Tony, you've scored two points.

Americans, on average, eat ten billion doughnuts every year. And when you multiply that by the number of Americans... American doughnuts originally had a nut in the centre. The Americans do like their institutions to have a nut at the heart of them, don't they? Men, you'll be interested to know that Dr Hirsch and his team at the Smell and Taste Treatment and Research Foundation have created a combination smell of donuts and licorice, which they say increases blood flow to the penis by an average of 32%. You should soon be able to get it over the counter. Next up is Holly Walsh.

next up is holly walsh holly your subject is jellyfish soft gelatinous almost transparent sea creatures often with saucer-shaped bodies and stinging tentacles off you go holly the jellyfish was first invented when a haddock had sex with a carrier bag and it's widely regarded as the single most untrustworthy creature in the sea and And I know a lot of people are probably thinking, well, that's just a negative stereotype. Some jellyfish are actually really nice guys. Well, I'm sorry, no. It's time someone had the balls to stand up on national radio and say it. Jellyfish are incredibly vindictive.

Tony, she's sitting down. She said it's time for someone in the that I've been filled in on? That doesn't state the obvious. She said it's time for someone to stand up on national radio and say that thing. Tony thinks he's playing Just a Minute. I think I have a standing rule on that now. You've said jellyfish six times. You haven't got a clue how to play this game.

I do accept it's the kind of challenge that would work on that programme and doesn't work on this one. Bonus point? No, no, just because I've... Listen, Tony, just because the host fell asleep just now doesn't mean this is just a minute. Which is what confused me. Carry on. Whoever's talking. It is just a minute. Yeah.

This wonderful game that we all so love. Do please. And I so enjoy the inanity of your contribution, Tony. Have another 40 million points. Ah, vote me enough. And, Holly, continue with your lecture. First of all, jellyfish are opportunists. Due to their prominent external ears, jellyfish have incredible hearing.

Tony. I think they have incredible hearing. No, they can't hear at all. Tony, I think they have incredible hearing. No, they can't hear at all. Jellyfish. They can't hear anything. They play the violin.

I think they do. They've got to. Look, the point of this game is that people say things that you don't think are likely to be the case. They're not completely mental. Jellyfish can hear stuff. Oh, shh. The jellyfish, shh. That's why they all beach themselves,

because of the cacophony in the waves. It's too much to me. Look, we're playing the unbelievable truth. We're playing the unbelievable truth. Not, let's humiliate Tony. That's a spin-off show. No, they don't have any ears. And they can't hear Tony.

But, you know, good thought. Scientists think that they became so power-hungry after being shunned and ridiculed by the other fish for looking like a hacked-up bit of phlegm. So the jellyfish have quietly plotted to one day rise up and destroy everyone that mocked them, much like their close relation, Michael Gove. Also like Michael Gove, some jellyfish have 60 anuses, are covered in thousands of microscopic poisonous hairs and often write comment pieces for the Daily Mail. Tony.

Well, they haven't got the ears. So they've got to make it up in some way or capacity somewhere. So they've got 60 anuses. They do. Pause while Mark just congratulates me on that. Well done, Tony. Thank you very much. For your biological acumen.

Can't believe you didn't buzz in, you ignorant pig. Yes, the box jellyfish has 60 anuses in total. Just as well they don't have ears. Imagine a racket coming from 60 arses. There's the very hungry jellyfish, whose sting makes you so ravenous you end up putting on three stones so you can't fit in your new jeans. A jellyfish whose sting has such a sense of foreboding,

you think, oh, what's the point? We're all going to die anyway. Might as well give up. Nicknamed the recently watched the news jellyfish. Tony. Is there a jellyfish sting that makes you very hungry? No. Oh. I a jellyfish sting that makes you very hungry? No. I hate jellyfish.

About half of them aren't really jellyfish at all. They're just pretending to, to mess with your mind. For example, the Portuguese man o' war isn't actually a jellyfish, but lots of tiny creatures all bunched together in an attempt to look like a Portuguese man so they can buy beer in Lisbon. But surely this bunch of bastards must have some useful purpose in the world.

Well, yes, they've been used as prophylactics, nappies, bottle stoppers and boat lubricants. But something they'll never be is a friend. Tony. One of those, definitely. I think prophylactics. No. Mark.

Boat lubricants. No. Any more for any more? Fred. No. No. Prophylactics and boat lubricants. Gone. You're going for bottle stoppers. Yeah, may asactics and burp lubricants, gone. You're going for bottle stoppers.

Yeah, may as well. No, that's not true. But if you take one thing away from this very important lecture, and I hope you do, is that you should never, ever trust them, even if your own mother is a jellyfish, which is statistically likely for one of you. Thank you, Holly. Thank you, Holly.

And at the end of that round, Holly, you've managed to smuggle four truths past the rest of the panel. The first is that there is an immortal jellyfish that can live forever. It's known scientifically as Turritopsis Nutricular, and it cannot die of old age. It achieves this by aging backward after sexual maturity, going through reverse puberty so it can start the cycle again. The second truth is that there's a jellyfish whose sting has a sense of foreboding or gives you a sense of foreboding. The Irukandji jellyfish is found in waters near Queensland, Australia and its sting causes victims to feel a sense of impending doom, perhaps caused by excessive adrenaline. Symptoms from the sting range from a mild headache to death. The third truth is that the Portuguese man-of-war isn't

actually a jellyfish, but lots of tiny creatures all bunched up together. It's a siphonophore, an animal made up of a colony of organisms working together. It's a siphonophore, an animal made up of a colony of organisms working together. It's often mistaken for a jellyfish because of its translucent appearance and tentacles. And the fourth truth is that jellyfish have been used as nappies. Researchers at Tel Aviv University in Israel have developed a material made from jellyfish which is several times more absorbent than commercial paper towels. It's suitable for use in nappies, pant liners and tampons and is completely biodegradable. And that means, Holly, you've scored four points. In 2011, researchers at Yamaguchi University in Japan successfully

transplanted jellyfish genes into a cat, causing it to glow fluorescent green. It was part of a research programme known as Dicking About. Next up is Mark Steele. Mark, your subject is Twitter, a free social networking site where users communicate using messages called tweets, which are limited to 140 characters.

Off you go, Mark. Many historic figures have used Twitter. The first recorded use of the word Twitter was from Geoffrey Chaucer, who wrote the Miller's Tweet that went, Mary be thy crooked Miller, hashtag bread-like polyfiller. The first American president to use Twitter was George Washington, who wrote, Bad English, put taxes on Boston Cavethy, stop this now. Most Twitter

users' followers aren't even people. One third are people, but 65% are squirrels, canoes and old jars of marmalade in rubbish bins, tweeting online petitions trying to get wasps banned from invading their personal space. I bet you a huge amount of Twitter

is bots. Yes, by bet you a huge amount of Twitter is bots. Yes, by which you mean not people. Yeah. I thought it was like a term for a bottom. Right. Yes, only 35% of the average person's Twitter followers are actual people. The majority of followers are spammers and fake accounts. Twitter has become so addictive, the changes to the brain among frequent users

are the same as the changes to cocaine addicts, which results in a psychological condition, meaning no-one has ever backed down in an argument on Twitter. Tony? I think that there is a change in the brain as a result of tweets. That's like cocaine. I'm losing confidence now. Well, it's like it. I'm losing confidence now. Well, it's like it.

You're right, Tony. I was just trying to get you to finish. I'm quite scared of you, though. You're a bit like a sort of headmaster figure to me. I'm quite scared of you. I'm very glad to hear that. Tony the Frosty's Tiger had to put out a special message ordering his Twitter

followers to stop sending him animal porn as it was causing tension between him and the honey monster who he was having an affair with at the time and who himself was in trouble for accidentally retweeting an ISIS video. All countries now have Twitter accounts. Sweden is typically Scandinavian allows a different citizen to run the account each week. Wales had to abandon their Twitter account as there are no Welsh words less than 140 characters. And that's the end of Mark's lecture. At the end of that round, Mark,

you've managed to smuggle three truths past the rest of the panel, which are that the first recorded use of the word Twitter was from Geoffrey Chaucer. The second truth is that Tony the Frosty's tiger had to put out a special message ordering his Twitter followers to stop sending him animal porn. His tweet read, I'm all for showing your stripes, feathers, etc.,

but let's keep things great and family friendly if you could. Cubs could be watching. Smiley emoji. And the third truth is that Sweden allows a different citizen to run their account

each week with the aim of better representing the country as a whole. And that means you've scored three points. Next up is Fred McCauley. Fred started his career as an accountant before switching to stand-up comedy. Fred's material was once described as pant-wettingly amusing by HMRC Glasgow. Fred, your subject is Star Wars, the popular science fiction franchise including films, books, comics and merchandise created by George Lucas. Off you go, Fred. Star Wars is famous for its many musical spin-offs including singles like Wookiee on a Chain Gang, Yodeling Yoda,

and indeed Jon Bon Jovi's first entry in the charts, Happy Birthday C-3PO. Holly. I think there'll be a novelty record out there called Yodeling Yoda. Yodeling Yoda? Yeah. No? Go for it. Yeah. In early drafts of the script, R2-D2 could speak standard English, but he had a rather foul vocabulary.

Although all of R2's potty-mouthed speech was removed, many of C-3PO's reactions to it were left in. Holly. That sounds right, that they would do it in a normal voice, giving him something to react to, and that they would then do the beeps and stuff afterwards. That's absolutely right, yes. While rehearsing for The Phantom Menace,

Liam Neeson needed a prop to use as a communicator, so he just picked a razor out of a woman's handbag and used that throughout the rehearsals. In the end, the designer modelled Neeson's communicator in the movie on the Gillette Sensor XL razor for women, which explains why Natalie Portman has got rather hairy legs throughout the film. The part of Han Solo was first offered to and turned down by George Hamilton, Steven Seagal and Charles Hortory.

Hortory said he would have given it a go, but he was busy shooting carry-on luggage. Tony. Can I have a go at George Hamilton? It's been said before. No, George Hamilton was not offered the part of Han Solo. Mark. Steven Seagal, I think.

No. No, Steven Seagal wasn't considered, I think, at all. Holly, do you want to have a go with Charles Horsley? No. And that's never been said before. have a go with charles hosier and that's never been said before alec guinness was a huge sci-fi fan and pestered george lucas for six months to let him play a part in the movie guinness himself came up with a line may the force be with you and insisted in saying it in all his scenes lucas got so fed up with him that he cut all the quotes and now in all the star

wars films alec guinness never utters the words, may the force be with you. The best-selling item of Star Wars merchandising is the Darth Vader salt and pepper cruet. The original action figure of Chewbacca carried a warning in the box saying that chewing tobacco could damage your health. The box containing the model of Han Solo

had a warning about going blind until George Lucas persuaded the FDA that Han Solo had a warning about going blind until George Lucas persuaded the FDA that Han Solo was not a euphemism. Oriental chef Ken Holm developed and marketed an electric cooking device for stir-fry food called the Ewok. Just let that

filter through. He successfully sued Universal for infringement of his trademark and that's why the word Ewok was cut and is never heard in any Star Wars movie. Holly. Do you think Ken Hom did invent something called an Ewok? No.

No, he didn't. So that wasn't really a challenge, was it, Holly? You just said, do you think he invented it? That's a very good point. It's not a very good point because it's a minus point that you've got. Right. If you buzz, then you're saying a thing. it's true. That's a very good point. It's not a very good point because it's a minus point that you've got. If you buzz then you're saying a thing, however interrogatively you put it. I've never been

involved in a programme that's had interrogative in it before. Thank you David, my life is complete. Well Tony's just buzzed. Well it's true that he's never been in a programme where there are interrogatives in it. That, yes. Well I mean It's true that he's never been in a programme where the interrogative has been in it. Yes, but...

Well, I mean, never has applause been more inexplicable. You can only assume there's some sort of cricket match happening at the other end of the room. Thank you, Headmaster. Also, I did hear Fred once in a programme called That's Interrogative. It was only one series. It was hosted by Noel Edmonds. It wasn't part of the lecture, Tony, as well you know. After watching Star Wars, Anton de Cazor, director of the Battle Planet series of low-budget sci-fi films,

gave up the movie business altogether and became a truck driver. Coincidentally, a truck driver called James Cameron, after watching Star Wars, gave up driving trucks and directed The Terminator. Holly. Is it possible that one of the directors did give up straight after Star Wars? It's not true. And certainly no Anton de Kaiser.

He doesn't exist. Or rather, no such film series exists. He may exist. There's seven billion people. Probably there's someone called that. Sorry, Anton. And that's the end of Fred's lecture. And at the end of that round, Fred's managed to smuggle four truths past the rest of the panel,

which are that the designer of Star Wars modelled Liam Neeson's communicator on the Gillette sensoric cell razor for women. communicator on the Gillette sensoric cell razor for women. The second truth is that in all the Star Wars films Alec Guinness never utters the words may the force be with you. The closest he came was the force will be with you. Despite it making him a fortune Alec Guinness hated Star Wars. He claimed to throw away all Star Wars related fan mail without opening it and encouraged George Lucas to kill him off in the first film. I just couldn't go on speaking those bloody awful banal lines I'd had enough of the mumbo-jumbo he told the convention and the third truth is that the word Ewok is never heard in any of the Star Wars movies and the fourth truth is that a truck driver called James Cameron, after watching Star Wars, gave up driving trucks and directed The Terminator.

And that means, Fred, that you've scored four points. In each Star Wars film, the line, I have a bad feeling about this, is spoken by one of the characters. The exception is in The Phantom Menace, where the phrase is uttered by the cinema audience. One of the asteroids in the asteroid scene in The Empire Strikes Back is actually a potato. You can easily spot it as it's acting Mark Hamill off the screen.

Which brings us to the final scores. In fourth place, with minus two points, we have Tony Hawks. In third place, with no points, it's Mark Steele. In second place, with one point, it's Fred McCauley. And in first place, with an unassailable two points, it's this week's winner, Holly Walsh. That's about it for this week. Goodbye. The Unbelievable Truth was devised by John Naismith and Graham Darden

and featured David Mitchell in the chair, with panellists Mark Steele, Holly Walsh, Tony Hawks and Fred McCauley. The chairman's script was written by Dan Gaster and Christine Rose and the producer was John Naismith. Thank you.