The Unbelievable Truth - 20x05 Buses, Dancing, Monkeys, Statues

Episode Date: February 18, 2022

20x05 30 April 2018 Richard Osman, Elis James, Sindhu Vee, Alan Davies Buses, Dancing, Monkeys, Statues

We present The Unbelievable Truth, the panel game built on truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. Hello and welcome to The Unbelievable Truth, the panel show about incredible truths and barely credible lies. I'm David Mitchell. But first, a quick hello to Bob Magruder from Texas, who's written in saying, yours is the last show I want to listen to.

But it's not as bad as it sounds, as Mr Magruder is currently in a cell on death row. Cheers, Bob. Anyway, please welcome Richard Osman, Sindhu V, Ellis James and Alan Davis. The rules are as follows. Each panellist will present a short lecture that should be entirely false, save for five hidden truths

which their opponent should try to identify. Points are scored by truths that go unnoticed, while other panellists can win points if they spot a truth, or lose points if they mistake a lie for a truth. First up is Richard Osman. Richard, your subject is buses. Long motor vehicles designed to carry passengers, usually along a fixed route as a scheduled service and for a fare. Off you go, Richard. Fingers on buzzers, the rest of you. Firstly, Richard Osman would like to apologise for the late running of this bus lecture. This is due to a chronic lack of investment in Richard Osman

by the current Tory government. Richard Osman would also like to apologise that this bus lecture will immediately be followed by three identical bus lectures. The first ever UK bus service was the brainchild of Sir Reginald Areva North West. The first bus service was the brainchild of Sir Reginald Areva North West. The first bus service left Manchester on 1 January 1824 and is due to reach its destination any time now.

The first bus service had three decks. The first for passengers, the second for luggage and the third deck for detecting low bridges. Sindhu. The Manchester details. The first bus service left Manchester on 1 January 1824? Yeah. That's absolutely right.

They travelled between Market Street, Manchester, and Pendleton, Salford. The Bus Information Matrix Board at bus stops is designed to pretend to you that your bus is actually on its way and is not still idling at the garage until the driver finishes watching Homes Under The Hammer. This matrix board was invented by the grandfather of Boyzones, Ronan Keating.

It's a tempter, isn't it? It's very tempting. In London, there is a number 666 bus, which takes you directly to Piers Morgan's house. number 666 bus, which takes you directly to Piers Morgan's house. In Liverpool, there is a number 69 bus, where the seats on the upper floor face the other way. In Bristol, there is a bus powered by human feces. You can't miss it, it's the number two. And in Beijing and China, you'll find the world's longest bus. It's the number two. And in Beijing, in China, you'll find the world's longest bus.

It's the number four, the number eight, the number 17, two number 34s and a number 47 to share. Cindy. Is the world's longest bus in Beijing? It is. Cindy, you're on fire! Yes, China is home to the world's longest bus, an 83-foot vehicle divided into three sections.

It has five doors, holds 300 passengers and can go up to 51 miles per hour, but it only operates on routes with very few corners to turn. The bell push system, designed to alert the driver that you wish to exit the bus, was invented by the great-grandfather of Jesse from Little Mix. Before the bell push was invented, bus drivers would have straps tied to their arms, which passengers would pull as a very effective way of getting the driver's attention by making the bus suddenly swerve into the curb. I just have to say, did they have something on their arm

and it pulled them to stop? They did indeed, yes. How are you doing this? Have you recently read a history of the bus? Of buses? No. This is brutal. I'm sorry. In the 1840s, London bus drivers had straps attached to their arms that you tugged

when you wanted to get off. The passenger would pull the left or right strap depending on which side of the road they wanted the bus to stop on. Okay, well, and I also just wanted to explain, I have been on buses in smaller towns in India where there's no such mechanism. People say, stop, stop. And one time this lady got upset

and she took off her slipper and beat the driver on his head. And he stopped, obviously. So I had that image vaguely snap into my head and I thought maybe they just used to pull the arm. Well, that has ruined my next paragraph. Brilliant. In 1969, a number of Brazilian bus

drivers were arrested for training Beatles to crawl inside fare boxes and carry out the coins. The Beatles were also arrested. One of the fabrics on the original London Routemaster bus was designed by the great-grandmother of pop idol winner Will Young. Ellis. That's the third time he's tried that joke. Yes, yeah.

And so I... And that would get you a point in count the humorous references. So I'm going to chance my arm and say that's true. It's not true. Oh, do you know what? The sad thing is, at school, I wasn't regarded as particularly thick. You don't seem stupid, just credulous. Sindhu, you knew that wasn't true, right?

It's about buses, you know the truth. I know all the truth, yeah. In fact, I was giving those ones to Ellis so he would buzz. Yeah. You're playing me like a puppet. The list of fascinating facts about buses is endless. For instance, the highest number of any London bus, which is also a prime number,

is the 793 from Wandsworth to Merton. Sindhu. 793? The prime number London bus. Not true. No. It's not a prime number. Oh, there you go.

I'm like the only Indian who's bad at math. And I just want to say I'm so glad my parents don't have iPlayer. Because they would be so disappointed Well, yes, I mean, you really should be able to calculate prime numbers Up to a thousand quicker than that It does sound like a prime number, doesn't it? What does it divide by? What, 793? I'll work it out, come on Anyway, 793 is not a prime number

I don't know what it's divisible by In 2014, a total of 12 London buses were damaged by lightning, the most in history. This was seen by many as a direct result of Transport for London getting rid of all the conductors. And that's the end of Richard's lecture. And at the end of that round, Richard, you've managed to smuggle two truths past the rest of the panel,

which are that in Bristol There is a bus powered by human feces and it's the number two the Bristol bio bus runs on human feces gas from human waste is extracted from the sewage works at nearby Avonmouth one Bristol resident said I've always used the number two So the poo bus makes the trip a whole lot more exciting, and it's good for the environment on top of that. It doesn't even smell. What luxury. It doesn't even smell of excrement.

And the second truth is that in 1969, Brazilian bus drivers were arrested for training beetles to crawl inside fare boxes and carry out the coins. That's incredible. And the Beatles were also arrested. And that means, Richard, you've scored two points. By law, all buses in Argentina must carry the words

Las Malvinas son Argentinas. The Falklands are Argentine. Open to debate, but as things written on buses go, probably more true than leaving the EU will mean an extra £350 million per week for the NHS. Next up is Ellis James. Ellis, your subject is dancing, moving rhythmically to music using prescribed or improvised steps and gestures. Off you go, Ellis. Dancing, as we all know, is the fourth most effective way to communicate

after shouting, sexual pointing and Spanish. What do you do sexual pointing with? Thankfully we're on the radio, so I can show you guys. That's sexual pointing. I didn't know there was a phrase for what you just did. It's an early draft of the Marvin Gaye classic. In what context do you use sexual pointing? To give directions?

Yeah, well... It's dependent on context. How would I get to Swansea? To give directions? Yeah, well... It's dependent on context. How would I get to Swansea? The purpose of dancing is to give shy people the opportunity to feel humiliated in public.

And for people who prefer a sense of communal shame, they can always go Morris dancing. It is perverted to enjoy dancing. And every year... It is perverted to enjoy dancing. This is the first time since the 17th century that that's been put through in a major media. And every year, thousands of people cringe themselves to death at weddings as they desperately try to ignore the happy couple begging guests to join them during the first dance. This makes dancing Britain's most dangerous recreational habit. wrth i'r ddynion ddysgu'r cwpl hwyl yn gofyn i gynnwys eu gweld yn ystod y danys.

Mae hyn yn gwneud danys yn ymdrin â'r ffordd ddansio'r rhan fwyaf anoddol yng Nghymru. Ac os oedd yn ddyniaeth newydd, byddai'n cael ei ddynio'n gyflym, neu'n llai, yn llicensio, fel y oedd yn Swedain hyd at 2017, gyda'r Swyddoedd sy'n ymwybodol o'u safon, yn gwneud danys yn gyflym neu symud eich pheithiau i'r cerdd yn unigol mewn lle, yn ofn cyf offence. Richard. Yeah, go on. You're right. Yes. We've spotted the hallmark

of Scandinavian legislation. Though the law was dropped in 2017, the police are still cracking down on bar owners for the crime of dancing customers and punishments are harsh, ranging from the removal of other permits, fines or even prison. Across the Atlantic, dancing's dangerous qualities have been recognised by the state of Massachusetts,

who have tried to phase it out by making both dancing to the Star Spangled Banner and owning a leotard illegal. Sindhu. Dancing to the Star Spangled Banner. You're absolutely right, yes. Can I just say that I also thought that. Well, in which case you get a point as well. I think that's as long as you're being absolutely honest. Oh, I'm gutted because I didn't think it.

Yes, according to Section 9 of the Massachusetts State Legislature, whoever plays, sings or renders the Star Spangled Banner or any part thereof as dance music shall be punished by a fine of not more than $100. So, you know, it's actually very affordable if you want to do that crime.

You know how they love the flag? At Welsh football matches, there's a flag, the Welsh flag with a dragon, and on it's just written, eat more chips. Oh, that's great. That's actually, I think that's the official Welsh flag. Actually, it's a point that very few countries actually will go

for it and have a made-up monster on their flag. The dragons are from Ivor the Engine. When you say made-up monster, they are. Well, Ivor the Engine is not a documentary. If Ivor the Engine is not a documentary. If Ivor the Engine is not a documentary, then what is Michael Portillo doing on Ivor the Engine?

That is the most disgusting image. When the dragons came down from the volcano and they had to live in Ivor's coal box to survive. That is not a euphemism. That's not somewhere you'd find Michael Portillo. I don't even know why I'm laughing. It just sounds like a joke. Well, that's a good start.

I mean, this is Radio 4. People are doing the washing up. We just need the rhythm of humor. And now, nice smattering of applause. People are going, oh, o awdurdodau. Mae pobl yn dweud, Yn fawr, rwy'n meddwl y gwna i wedi colli rhywbeth da. Michael Porter, wrth gwrs. 9 oed o 10, bydd danysg gyda rhywun yn arwain i'r pregwysiad. Ar ei ffamogiaid Stag Doodd, na wnanod oedd yn ystod y cyfnod oedd yn ystod yol. Mae'n ddiddorol. Mae'n ddiddorol.

Mae'n ddiddorol. Mae'n ddiddorol. Mae'n ddiddorol. Mae'n ddiddorol. Mae'n ddiddorol. Mae'n ddiddorol. Mae'n ddiddorol. Mae'n ddiddorol.

Mae'n ddiddorol. Mae'n ddiddorol. Mae'n ddiddorol. Mae'n ddiddorol. Mae'n ddiddorol. Mae'n ddiddorol. Mae'n ddiddorol. Mae'n ddiddorol.

Mae'n ddiddorol. Mae'n ddiddorol. Mae'n ddiddorol. Mae'n ddiddorol. Mae'n ddiddorol. Mae'n ddiddorol. Mae'n ddiddorol. Mae'n ddiddorol. dancer you may remember. If you watch his final on-screen dance, which took place during an episode of Battlestar Galactica, he actually tangos his leading lady into space before asking her, what happens to diarrhea in Zero-G?

Richard. Was Fred Astaire's final screen dance on Battlestar Galactica? It was indeed. It's true. Fred Astaire's last on-screen dance was in season one, episode 15 of Battlestar Galactica. Astaire, who agreed to appear on the show because his grandchildren watched it,

guest-starred as an alien prince. Ballet enjoyed a renaissance in the 90s with popular exponents including Quentin Tarantino, Hobie from Baywatch and rapper Tupac Shakur. Gall y balet fod yn cael ei ddefnyddio ar gyfer y dda a'r ddwg. Mae gan y gwarthegau ei fod yn gwybod i gyflwyno aelodau newydd drwy'u gwneud iddynt edrych ar fideos y balet heb gofio am yr argyfwng cyffredinol o'r perfformiad. Yn ymwneud â chadw'r defnydd o'r balet, roedd swyddogion polis yn rhan o România

wedi cael dysgu'r balet i'w helpu iddynt symud yn gyffredinol wrth gyflawni traffig. police officers in parts of Romania were given ballet lessons to help them move elegantly while directing traffic. I quite like the idea that they've had some sort of lessons. Well, they have. Yeah, well done. Yes, in 2008, police chiefs in the western Romanian city of Timisoara provided a month's ballet lessons for their traffic officers. One teacher observed that Swan Lake provided by far the best role models for the traffic police...gawson o'r leoliadau ballet am mis oed.....i'w swyddogion traffig. Roedd un athro yn adolygu bod Sŵan Lake... ..gynhyrchol i'r roledigaethau gorau ar gyfer y polis traffig. Mae pobl Cymru yn gweld menywod sy'n gallu danseu gyda'r amddiffyn...

..ac mae'n ddigon o leol... ..ac yn cael eu cymryd i ddynu danseur cymwys ar-lein... ..a'u bod yn cael eu cymryd i fod yn ffordd gwahanol neu wedi'u cymryd gan ddyfodolion. Fel cynnyrch ei gyflawn, nid yw Edward wedi symud ei hips i'r cerdd i'r cerdd hyd yn oed yn byw yng Nghymru dros 10 mlynedd. Ond mae'n dal i fod yn ymwybodol o'r danseuon braidd ei bod yn mynd â'r taser i'r barty Christmas BBC. A dyna'r diwedd yw'r leitio.

A dyna'r diwedd yw'r leitio. A dyna'r diwedd yw'r leitio. A dyna'r diwedd yw'r leitio. A dyna'r diwedd yw'r leitio. A dyna'r diwedd yw'r leitio. A dyna'r diwedd yw'r leitio. A dyna'r diwedd yw'r leitio. And at the end of that round, Ellis, you've managed to smuggle one truth past the rest of the panel, which is that rapper Tupac Shakur did ballet. He studied ballet and dance at Baltimore School for the Arts.

And that means, Ellis, you've scored one point. Next up is Sindhu V. Sindhu has degrees from Delhi University, Oxford University and the University of Chicago. So only another 63,000 appearances on Radio 4 and she'll have paid off her student loans. Sindhu, your subject is monkeys. Small to medium-sized primates that typically have long tails and live in trees in tropical countries. Off you go, Sindhu.

Monkeys and humans aren't related, but in every other way we are exactly the same. Alan. Monkeys and humans aren't related, but in every other way, we are exactly the same. Alan. Monkeys and humans aren't related. They are. That's a shame. But not close enough relations that you have to buy them Christmas presents. Monkeys with human-y nicknames include dark-haired, prominent-nosed marmosets

from the Bolivian Amazon called Cleopatras, while in Brazil there are white, bald-headed, red-faced monkeys called Englishmen. Ellis. There was a hint of a smile there. But I don't know which one is true. English man. You're right.

Sindhu is covering her face with her lecture. Because Alice has figured something out about my face. I'm not having that. All right. I think Alice may be at the point of accepting a poker game from anyone who wants to offer. Yes. Yes, it's true that the white Uakari monkey

in the Brazilian rainforest is known as the Englishman due to its human-like ears, bald head and bright red face. Monkeys now make up over 30% of the planet's workforce. They are not, however, paid properly for the work they do, which has in recent years caused great conflict, with PETA campaigning furiously on their side. Monkeys now refuse to accept unequal pay. However, there is the conservative argument

that when monkeys get money, they use it for immoral purposes like monkey prostitution. And also booze, which they cannot handle. Rachel, I think what's true about monkey prostitution... How do you know that? It is true. It's very strange that you know that? It is true. It's very strange that you know that. Yes.

A 2005 Yale study which successfully taught seven capuchin monkeys how to understand money and use it to buy grapes, apples or jelly resulted in the first recorded incident of monkey prostitution. It's literally the first thing they did with the money. One monkey was observed exchanging her monetary token with another for sex. After the act was over, the monkey who was paid immediately used it to buy a grape.

One of the researchers commented, the capuchin has a small brain and it's pretty much entirely focused on food and sex. It's worth pointing out that cabbage really like grapes. PETA has formulated policy about the freedom of monkeys to use their bodies as they see fit and also a campaign to stop smearing all monkeys as binge drinkers when they're regular drinking monkeys, social drinking monkeys

and most of all, steadfastly teetotal monkeys most likely to be offended. The spider monkey is the only mammal that is known to spin a web. The scorpion monkey is the only venomous primate. Alan. Is the scorpion monkey a poisonous primate?

No. And what is the number that divides into 793? Still haven't worked it out. Actually, I've been trying to. That's why I'm never on countdown. Monkeys have been known through lots of fun things like sand language, using their toes and fingers. They use human hair as dental floss

and human fingers as earbuds. They clip each other's toenails with their teeth and they just love to beatbox. The Arctic Monkeys pop group got their name because Alex Turner thought that penguins are a variety of ape. Thank you,

Sindhu. And at the end of that round, you've managed to smuggle three truths past the rest of the panel, which are that monkeys now refuse to accept unequal pay. In a study by primatologist Franz de Waal,

two capuchin monkeys were filmed performing a task. After completing the same task, one monkey was given a piece of cucumber, whilst the other was given a grape, grapes being the capuchin's favourite food. When the monkey with the cucumber noticed his friend had received a grape, he threw his cucumber at the scientist,

pounded the table in his cage and refused to perform any more tasks. But in later tests, when both monkeys were asked to perform the same task and were both paid in cucumber, they were happy to continue working. The second truth is that there are regular drinking monkeys, social drinking monkeys and is that there are regular drinking monkeys, social drinking monkeys, and steadfastly teetotal monkeys. A study into the drinking habits of 1,000 vervet monkeys from St Kitts

found 65% of the monkeys were categorised as social drinkers, only drinking in the presence of other monkeys and not before lunch. 15% were defined as regular drinkers, another 15% were defined as teetotalers, and 5% were defined as binge drinkers, drinking quickly, getting into fights, and likely to have drunk themselves to death

within two to three months if they had unrestricted access to alcohol. And the third truth is that monkeys use human hair as dental floss. Long-tailed macaques have been known to pluck hairs from the head of a human. They've also been observed using tree needles, bird feathers,

blades of grass, coconut fibre, nylon thread and metal wire. And that means you've scored three points. In 2003, Morocco offered Iraq 2,000 monkeys to help them detonate mines. The system is that if a monkey finds a mine, it immediately signals to its handlers by exploding. Next up is Adam Davis. From the mid-1990s to 2002, Alan advertised the Abbey National Building Society.

And I think we can say with confidence that it was Alan's adverts that made the company what it is today. Spanish. Alan, your subject is the statue, a three-dimensional form or likeness that is sculpted, modelled, carved or cast in material such as stone, clay, wood or bronze. Off you go, Alan.

The original title for Rodin's The Thinker was Constipation. However, the trustees of the Louvre thought that itdwl ei fod yn rhyfeddol iawn... ...a'i nodi fel contemplation. Roedd statw o Barack Obama wedi'i llwyddo i wneud statw Donald Trump... ...yng Nghymru. Cynhyrchydd yw ei fod wedi'i ddweud ei fod wedi'i ddwyddo... ...yn y statw Scooby Doo hefyd i ddarparu'r cymaint. Ennys.

Dwi'n gallu credu hynny. Wel, nid yw hynny'n dweud llawer. Eric Bulk. Ellis. I can believe that. Well, that's not saying much. It's not true, I'm afraid. A statue of Hercules in Arcachon, France, has had its penis stolen so often, it's been given a detachable one, which is only fixed in place for special occasions. Richard. Yeah, why not?

You see, Ellis, that's true. That's what you need to do. Wait for a true thing. The statue of Hercules, a Greek symbol of virility and strength, had its penis stolen so frequently that the local council decided to fit the statue with a removable phallus that would be fitted for special occasions. At Easter, the nuns of the Order of St Ursula wear blindfolds

and play a version of Pin the Tail on the Donkey. Worldwide, there are more statues of Caesar Augustus than of anyone else. In fact, the top 100 subjects are all male, with the first woman on the list being Queen Victoria, coming in at 105, just ahead of Joan of Arc, and just behind TV heartthrob Danny Dyer. Ellis. There are definitely far more male statues than female statues.

He said the top 100 subjects of all statues are all male. Yeah. No, the Virgin Mary definitely of all statues are all male. Yeah. No, the Virgin Mary definitely comes in. Of course, yeah. She's a big one. Yeah, and Joan of Arc certainly will. There are more than 40,000 statues of Joan of Arc in France. Yeah, but not in Wales.

No, there's probably fewer than 40,000 in Wales. I can't think of the statues I've seen in Wales. And Aidan Bevan in Cardiff on Queen Street, and they always put a traffic cone on his head. Charlotte Church. Oh, yeah. Well, those are the two statues in Wales. Alan.

The statue of Winston Churchill in Parliament Square is electrified so that parties of tourists who gather to look at it feel a tingle. Richard. Is that true? Is it electrified to keep people off it, maybe? It is electrified, yeah. Yeah. I think it's not to keep people off it. It's a very mild electric current,

and it's to deter pigeons from landing on it. And it also apparently stops snow from settling on Churchill's head. Can I just say, I think, I could be wrong, I think it's 61 times 13. LAUGHTER APPLAUSE And that was at the same time as spotting truths. What have you been doing, Ellis?

I've been concentrating a lot. Alan. While at school at Clifton College in Bristol, John Cleese painted a trail of footprints to suggest that the school statue of Field Marshal Haig had left his plinth in the night to walk to the lavatory. Ellis. That is surely classic Cleese.

It is indeed. Well done. And suddenly, there's a new statue in Wales. Yes, Cleese's teachers apparently failed to see the funny side and he was subsequently expelled for the offence. Seems a bit harsh. Really? For painting a trail of footprints? Yeah. He must have done some other shit.

Mexico has a festival where nativity scenes are sculpted out of 12 tonnes of radishes. Ellis. That's true. You're right! Mexico does indeed have a festival called Noche de Rabón, or Night of the Radishes, in Oaxaca, Mexico. After merchants began carving intricate shapes into oversized radishes

to attract shoppers before and after Christmas church services, the mayor turned the tradition into an official celebration and declared the 23rd of December the official night of the radishes the creator of the best carved radish wins a 12,000 peso grand prize the church in the town of Zilla Washington has the statue of a prehistoric monster outside to celebrate the fact that it's known as the Church of Godzilla in Ashburn North Carolina it is against the law to paint a statue flesh-coloured. Thank you, Alan.

And at the end of that round, Alan, you've managed to smuggle one truth past the rest of the panel, which is that the church in the town of Zilla, Washington, has a statue of a prehistoric monster outside to celebrate the fact that it's known as the Church of Godzilla. And that means, Alan, you've scored one point. Ancient Greek male statues had small penises as they were considered as a sign of a cultured, important individual.

Lied an ancient Greek sculptor. Which brings us to the final scores. In fourth place with minus two points, we have Ellis James. In third place with no points, it's Alan Davis. In second place with

one point, it's Sindhu V. And in first place with an unassailable six points, is this week's winner, Richard Osman. That's about it for this week. Goodbye. The Unbelievable Truth was devised by John Nixsmith and Graham Darden and featured David Mitchell in the chair,

with panellists Richard Osman, Ellis James, Alan Davis and Sin Duvi. The chairman's script was written by Dan Gaster and Colin Swash and the producer was Richard Turner. It was a random production for BBC Radio 4.