The Unbelievable Truth - 21x01 Denmark, Hair, Smells, Fish

Episode Date: February 18, 2022

21x01 24 December 2018 Sandi Toksvig, Jon Richardson, Lucy Porter, Graeme Garden Denmark, Hair, Smells, Fish

We present The Unbelievable Truth, the panel game built on truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. please welcome David Mitchell. Hello and welcome to The Unbelievable Truth, the panel show about incredible truths and barely credible lies. I'm David Mitchell. You join us on Christmas Eve, and what a privilege to be entertaining the nation at this special time of the year.

Plus, we recorded this show in September, so there's really no skin off my nose. Today I've got four panellists eager to climb down the chimney and empty their sacks onto the end of a child's bed. So, please welcome John Richardson, Lucy Porter, Graham Garden and Sandy Toksvig. The rules are as follows. Each panellist will present a short lecture that should be entirely false, save for five hidden truths

which their opponent should try to identify. Points are scored by truths that go unnoticed, while other panellists can win points if they spot a truth or lose points if they mistake a lie for a truth. First up is Sandy Toksvig. Sandy is the host of the Great British Bake Off. You'll know her from her brilliant catchphrases like you have half an hour left

and you have 15 minutes left and, of course, you have five minutes left. Sandy, your subject is Denmark, described by my encyclopedia as a Scandinavian country in northern Europe known for its high standard of living, high taxes and its social and gender equality. Off you go, Sandy. Fingers on buzzers, the rest of you. I should say that I feel deeply unqualified to tackle this topic. In its time that I came out, despite masquerading as a Danish woman on radio and television for more than 30 years. My name is actually Sandra Tatlock and I come from Godalming.

Let's start with the design of the Danish flag, created in 1911 as a result of a national competition with the winner basing their design on a hot cross bun. Lucy. Was it the result of a national competition? That seems like the kind of fair thing the Danes would do. No. No, it's not. In fact, it's the oldest national flag in the world, and the legend is it fell from the sky at the 1219 Battle of Lindenesa. I may have mispronounced that. Yes.

Yes, it fell from the sky at the 1219 bootle of Lindenese. Inspiring a Danish victory in the Northern Crusades over the heathen Estonians. Denmark has the highest number of single men in Europe and curiously, although presumably unrelated, the highest incidence of repetitive strain injury. although presumably unrelated, the highest incidence of repetitive strain injury. Denmark has 406 islands constructed on soil made up of clay, loam and the remains of Viking longships. There are so many longships you can fall over them. In fact, the longest one ever found

was discovered under the floorboards of a Viking longship museum. Lucy? Oh, it would be lovely if that was true, that they excavated the museum and found a longship underneath it. It is true. And it was the largest Viking warship ever discovered. It was discovered underneath a museum showing smaller and worse Viking lunches. A very similar thing happened at the British Soil Museum. The word Bluetooth comes from the Danish king Harald Bluetooth,

famous for his Bluetooth and for being king. John? I think Bluetooth came from a king called Bluetooth. It did indeed, yes. Ericsson named their technology after the 10th century Danish king, Harald Bluetooth. The company even have a statue of him outside their headquarters. And another better statue buried underneath it. The Danish word for king is kong,

which means that the movie King Kong had to be advertised as Kong King. Graham. I'm going to go with Kong King. No, it's not true. Oh, no. It has been believed to be true online a lot and, in fact, was cited as true in one of the QI books. Yes.

I think you'll find that was before my time. Graham. So is the word for King Kong? Yes. So that's true. Yes. So you've now broken even. Yeah, the word for king is Kong,

but the film King Kong was controversially marketed in Denmark under the title King Kong. One of the most sought-after jobs in Denmark is that of Lego tester. Every individual piece of Lego is tested by hand three times to make sure it will fit snugly inside a toddler's nose. tested by hand three times to make sure it will fit snugly inside a toddler's nose. Although everyone in Britain admires those acclaimed Danish crime dramas, much more acclaimed in Denmark itself is the UK's Midsommar Murders,

because the Danes are not that into entertainment. Graham. I bet Midsommar Murders has a huge following in Denmark. It does have a huge following in Denmark. It does have a huge following in Denmark. Yes, the UK's Midsommar Murders is much more popular in Denmark than their own highly acclaimed TV crime drama series The Killing and The Bridge and has been broadcast on the country's main channel for the past 12 years. It's been given the main 9pm slot on Saturdays and has consistently claimed 30-40%

of the audience share. The channel's head of acquisitions commented, you have a good feeling when you watch it, and if you fall asleep it's fine. Because you'll never remember who did it anyway. In 2003 I was asked to be one of the judges in the Miss Denmark competition. Obviously, I changed things a bit, got rid of the old sexist criteria, introduced a baking round, and gave the prize to the woman with the softest paps. Thank you, Sandy. And at the end of that round, Sandy,

you've managed to smuggle one truth past the rest of the panel, which is that Denmark has 406 islands. And that means, Sandy, you've scored one point. OK, we turn now to John Richardson. John, your subject is hair, the mass of thread-like strands that grow from the skin of humans and animals. Off you go, John. Hear, hear, a harrowing historical happening from a hot and humid afternoon around harvest time, high in the hills of Hampstead Heath.

Donald Trump was playing out with his best friends, Vladimir Putin and Steven Seagal. Sandy. I think that's probably true, Those probably are his best friends. Yeah, I think they almost certainly are best friends. Or, you know, one is the other's monstrous creature. Yes. But until we get historical confirmation, I'll have to keep that point on ice. Okay.

But I'm going to come back. Yeah. Steven had his hair short on top, bunched on either side, and long at the back, a style half pigtails and half mullet, known as a piglet. Donald? Graham. I think a half mullet thing would possibly be called a piglet.

Well, it hasn't been before just now. It should be. Donald had wanted to have all of his hair shaved off, but knew that if he ever again requested a number one all over, he would make global headlines. OK, I'm putting that one on ice, so... LAUGHTER Far from thinning out on top, his hair was so luscious and strong

it could support the weight of not only the elephant he carried with him in every room he entered, but a further elephant if required. Vladimir was naturally jealous and so hated his premature baldness that in his youth he used to rent wigs to wear at official functions. Pursuit Donald and Shaggy Stephen mocked him ceaselessly. It not matter, he persisted. All bald men are foxy. Look at Greg Wallace. More wife than Henry V-I-I-I. Sandy.

Can I just check that Vladimir's from Bangladesh? Is that right? I can't do voices. That is true. Strap in, it's going to get worse, that's the good one. True, said Donald. And he's balder than Charles the Bald. Sandy.

There was a Charles the Bald. There was a Charles the Bald. But this guy's balder than Charles the Bald. Sandy. There was a Charles the Bald. There was a Charles the Bald. But this guy's balder than Charles the Bald? Greg Wallace is balder than Charles the Bald. And is that true? That's true. Right. Because Charles the Bald wasn't bald.

Right. So inadvertently I've hit upon the truth. Yes. So inadvertently, I've hit upon the truth. Yes. The sun was beginning to set behind Brent Cross Shopping Centre and tummies were beginning to rumble. Before we go home for sausages and spaghetti hoops... Sorry, is that Greg Wallace?

Let's finish with a penalty shootout Vlad, you go and go because Stephen's no good under siege You can edit that one out Putin's deer-like hops across the goal had led to him acquiring the childhood nickname Vlad the Impala Vlad the Impala

No fear, cried Stephen. Blondes are better than brunettes at taking penalties because they don't overthink situations. Lucy. Blondes are better than brunettes at taking penalties, not because they don't overthink it, that's rude. You're absolutely right. Thank you.

Yeah. According to a 2014 statistical analysis of penalty-taking by Professor Stephen Hawking for the bookmaker Paddy Power... In Paddy Power, I bet they'd be pretty pleased. They're now getting a mention on the BBC years later. So let me just remind all listeners, do gamble heavily. Blonde and bald footballers are 15% more likely to score in penalty shootouts than dark-haired players. Papi cuck, Donald replied.

What will be prize? asked Vlad. I ask for VHS of Braveheart for birthday and now have 74. You want one? Did Vladimir ask for Braveheart for his birthday? I want that to be true. Are you venturing a buzz? It's not true, no. There are things that are true

and things you just long for them to be true. I mean, of all the things I thought people might buzz in on, I'm so delighted at the moment. To be fair, John, I've no idea at any point what you're talking about. If I win, I want your golden locks, Donald, so I can extract the golden seed and add it to my collection. It was well known that Donald's head hair was a mere trifle compared to the bounty that lay below.

Trump had refused to trim any of the hair around his oval orifice. Sandy. I just buzzed because I thought we all needed to pause. Shall I pick up from Orifice? Wow, there's not many men that have said that to me. Trump's southern state was now so overgrown, it was the joint heaviest bush ever to hold the position of president. Thank you, John.

John, you've managed to smuggle three truths past the rest of the panel. Whether or not the panel was aware of your asserting them at all remains to be seen. y panel. Os oes y panel yn ymwybodol o'ch bod yn eu cyflawni o gwbl, mae'n arwain i'w gweld. Y gwirionedd cyntaf yw bod gwaith ymdrin y gwaith nid un unedolion ond unedolion arall os ei angen. Y gwirionedd ail yw bod pob dyn ffosgol yn ffosg. Rwy'n credu bod hyn yn ddynol, ond maen nhw wedi'i they've allowed it alopecia a general term for hair loss comes from the greek word for fox alopecia a term that can be translated as mange on foxes a disease with symptoms that include loss of hair so men suffering hair loss could indeed be said to be fox-like or foxy but in the sense of a mangy, hairless fox.

It's like one of those explanations from 3-2-1. I did check that one. I said, is it cool or is this bad play? And the production went with you. I think it's a mistake, but you've got the point. There we go. And the third truth is... What they actually said is do it in a Russian accent and no-one will notice.

The third truth is you can extract the gold from human hair. Human hair contains traces of gold, as does the whole body, but Putin would need 40,000 people to collect enough gold to make one eight-gram sovereign. Of course, that doesn't mean he isn't trying. And that means, John, you've scored three points. Beethoven had very thick black hair on the backs of his hands. Old monkey paws was just one of the things he couldn't hear people yelling at him.

Next up is Lucy Porter. Lucy is six foot three inches tall. Come on, it's radio. Let's live a little. Lucy, your subject is smells. Odours, scents or fragrances perceived by humans and animals. Off you go, Lucy. Literally everything human beings do is dictated by the whims of their nose. The smell of someone's breath when they're asleep triggers sleepiness in you.

Similarly, the smell of a hungry baby's breath can cause new mothers to start lactating. And the smell of a happy person's sweat can make you feel happier when you move away from the irritatingly cheerful and stinky stranger. Sandy? I think happy sweat can make you happy. That's true. Well done. Yeah. A study in the journal Psychological Science has found that women showed more signs of happiness

when they sniffed the sweat of happy men than when they smelled sweat generated by men in a neutral emotional state. Similarly, according to a different study, men are much better than women at detecting the presence of a newborn baby from smell alone, as it means they're at an increased risk

of being asked to change a full nappy. Cats love sniffing so much that the Dutch have a saying, as busy as a cat's nose. Cheetahs and jaguars prefer Calvin Klein's obsession for men, and Siberian snow leopards go for decadence by Marc Jacobs. I think busy as a cat's nose is probably a true saying, isn't it? It isn't. No, no. I like the thing about the perfume that the cheetahs...

What was it? The cheetahs and the... Cheetahs and jaguars prefer Calvin Klein's obsession for men. That one. The cheetahs prefer Calvin Klein's obsession for men. Are you buzzing? You're absolutely right. Yeah. Yes, the perfume's effect

on big cats is so potent that it's even used in the field by conservationists to study jaguar behaviour and has helped them capture footage of the jaguars mating rituals. It's like that stuff, Skin So Soft, that's a great insect repellent. Oh yeah, that's right. Avon Skin So

Soft was designed as a sort of nice smelling moisturiser. It's a great insect repellent. Oh, yeah, that's right. Avon Skin So Soft was designed as a sort of nice-smelling moisturiser. It's a terrific insect repellent. And Lynx is a great female repellent. A dog's sense of smell is so good that it can smell smells that haven't even happened yet. John. John let me just think about this this is a potential truth

with philosophical implications well I've buzzed so I'll just say dogs can smell into the future I'm afraid as far as we know, dogs can't smell into the future. Dogs' prowess in the world of smelling is due to the fact that they split up smells, only smelling good smells with their left nostril and bad smells with their right. In lab tests in Germany, when dogs' nostrils were blocked,

they became aggressive and lost their capacity for empathy. Famous people who have no sense of smell include Ian Duncan Smith. John? I think probably if you blocked a dog's nose, it would become aggressive. No. Bring on the pit bull. Prior to the invasion of France, the Nazis found a way to use smell for evil rather than good

by dropping bombs laced with ammonium sulphide onto grasses perfume factories... Sandy. I don't know why that sounds right, the perfume factory. Well, I don't know, cos it isn't. It isn't. Later on in the war, British pilots carried chocolate bars infused with garlic

in case they were shot down and needed to make their breath smell French. Thank you, Lucy. And at the end of that round, Lucy, you've managed to smuggle three truths past the rest of the panel, which are that men are much better than women at detecting the presence of a newborn baby from smell alone scientists at Lund University in Sweden found that fathers were much more likely to identify a t-shirt worn by an infant from those worn by older children women struggled much more to distinguish the scent of a newborn from that of a child they still haven't cured cancer though that's the second truth is that dogs only smell good smells with their left nostril and bad smells with their right. Dogs smell

bad or new smells with their right nostril. But once they're familiar with the scent and consider it familiar and safe, they'll pick it up with their left nostril. And the third truth is that British pilots carried chocolate bars infused with garlic in case they were shot down and needed to make their breasts smell French. These garlic-flavoured chocolate bars were developed by the Special Operations Executive during World War II. And that means, Lucy, you've scored three points. 99% of a fart doesn't smell at all, with just a tiny proportion of intensely odorous particles creating the smell. So as in life, the rest of us suffer thanks to the stinking rich 1%.

It's now the turn of Graham Garden. That's Graham spelled with an A-E-M-E, not an A-H-A-M. of Graham Garden. That's Graham spelled with an A-E-M-E, not an A-H-A-M. And as chat up lines go, it's one of his best. Your subject, Graham, is fish. Limbless, cold-blooded vertebrates with gills and fins that live

wholly in water. Off you go, Graham. The complete angler, Isaac Walton, was allergic to fish. Piers Morgan is allergic to salmon. And Alan Lord Sugar is allergic to Piers Morgan. Lucy. Piers Morgan is allergic to salmon. He's not.

There's one assassination attempt for it. Cormorant fishers in China attach small sea bass to a hook and then cast the line straight up into the air to hook low-flying cormorant fishers in China attach small sea bass to a hook and then cast the line straight up into the air to hook low-flying cormorants. Cormorants. John. I think that could be a thing, that you use fish to catch a bird. You wouldn't be fishing, though, would you?

It would be birding. Cormorants are a great delicacy in... Cormorants are a great delicacy in Chinese cuisine and are said to taste a bit like sea bass. Green herons, on the other hand, drop bits of bread on the surface of the water and when the fish come up to sample this generous gift, the heron will pounce. Their favourite prey is the freshwater dace, which is said

to taste very like bread. In 1760, the French classified the beaver as a fish because of its scaly tail. The penguin is the only true fish that has wrongly been classified as a bird, and in Patagonia, penguins are regarded as cattle. Oddly enough... Oddly enough, the beaver fish is actually a breed of penguin. Ray Winston... Sorry. Somewhere in there.

Beaver fish is a kind of penguin. I'm afraid not. Oh! Lucy. In Patagonia, penguin is regarded as cattle. I think you have another thing. No! I know the mind plays tricks, but John.

Come on, John. One of the other ones. The French classified the beaver as a fish. Correct. Yes, in 1760, the College of Physicians and the Faculty of Divinity in Paris classified the beaver as a fish and not a mammal, so beaver meat could be eaten on fasting days.

Ray Winston's first serious girlfriend worked in a fish and chip shop. The love of his life, he was distraught when she dumped him, and to this day, he says the smell of vinegar brings a lump to his trousers. Sandy. I'm just pausing to say how much I love Radio 4. The spook fish is often to be found in graveyards, where it wafts about, emitting spine-chilling moans and terrifying people with its long, sharp teeth and six googly eyes.

A Bombay pike is not a fish, but is a spicy dish made with duck. Lord Byron kept a pet salmon. He used to take it for walks in a small tank that trundled along behind him. Until one fateful afternoon when Byron was visiting the Shelleys and Mary Shelley's pet cat Igor leapt into the tank. The poor dead creature was taken to the kitchens where it was prepared for their supper but that was the last time they tried eating cat. If you put a dogfish and a catfish in the same pond, the dogfish will chase the catfish up a tree. Contrary to popular belief, the dolphin is a fish and not, as previously thought, a vegetable. In the Indian Ocean, the bottlenose dolphin

is being replaced by the screw-top dolphin. The tripod fish, as you might expect, has three legs. John? Well, I just think we must be near the end. I'll go for a tripod fish you're absolutely right yes the tripod fish has three very long fins that uses like legs to stand on the seabed of some of the deepest oceans it stands in complete darkness facing the direction of the current and waits for prey to drift into its huge mouth and being a hermaphrodite doesn't need to move in order to produce offspring either sounds like a lovely life doesn't it just stay still let the food swim into while motionless to be fair I did the last bit great despite its name the

electric eel is not an eel it's a kind of nut and it actually runs on gas John I've just decided to say that the electric eel is not an eel. Well, you're right. Yeah. The electric eel is actually a knife fish and is more closely related to the catfish and carp than to eels. Except it's called an eel, so it's an eel. In London, every year, up to a dozen tourists

will order jellied eels for the second time. Thank you, Graham. And at the end of that round, Graham, you've managed to smuggle two truths past the rest of the panel, which are that green herons drop bits of bread on the surface of the water when the fish come up to sample this generous gift The heron will pounce type green heron uses bread to catch fish into YouTube to watch one doing it How do they bake the bread? I like the idea that we might that we might, on Bake Off,

have a green heron as one of the contestants. I don't think that's occurred to us up until now. The second truth is that the spookfish has long, sharp teeth and six googly eyes. And that means, Graham, you've scored two points. In 2011, a man was stopped at Los Angeles Airport after his four checked-in bags

were found to be full of water, containing 240 live fish. In the end, he was forced to have the in-flight meal like everyone else. Which brings us to the final scores. In fourth place, with minus three points,

we have Sandy Toksvig. In third place, with minus two points, it's Graham Garden. In second place, with no points, it's Lucy Porter. And in first place, with an unassailable three points points it's this week's winner, John Richardson. That's about it for this week. Goodbye. The Unbelievable Truth was devised by John Naismith and Graham Garden

and featured David Mitchell in the chair with panellists John Richardson, Lucy Porter, Graham Garden and Sandy Toksvig. The chairman's script was written by Dan Gaster and Colin Swash and the producer was John Naismith. It was a random production for BBC Radio 4.