The Unbelievable Truth - 21x02 Sleep, Mobile Phones, Stealing, Pets

Episode Date: February 18, 2022

21x02 31 December 2018 Richard Osman, Holly Walsh, Susan Calman, David O'Doherty Sleep, Mobile Phones, Stealing, Pets

We present The Unbelievable Truth, the panel game built on truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. Hello and welcome to The Unbelievable Truth, the panel show about incredible truths and barely credible lies. I'm David Mitchell. And welcome to everyone listening on New Year's Eve as we wait to see what the new year will bring. Of course, this time last year, we were all nervously waiting

to see what the result of the Brexit negotiations would be. Thank God all that worry is over. Please welcome Richard Osman, David O'Doherty, Holly Walsh and Susan Calman. The rules are as follows. Each panellist will present a short lecture that should be entirely false save for five hidden truths which their opponents should try to identify. Points are scored by truths that go unnoticed, while other panellists can win points if they spot a truth,

or lose points if they mistake a lie for a truth. First up is Richard Osman. Richard, your subject is sleep, the natural periodic state of rest in which one's eyes are closed, one's body is inactive, and one's mind is unconscious. Off you go, Richard. Fingers on buzzers, the rest of you. Why do we sleep? Is it to maintain a hormonal balance? Is it an evolutionary throwback? Or is it because the week in Westminster has just started?

No one knows. Susan. I think sleeping is important to maintain a hormonal balance. I know for me, if I don don't sleep then I become slightly... The doctor said psychotic, I would say just upset. It's not particularly to maintain a hormonal balance. No? I'd be loathe to contradict anything Richard says

because he's obviously a master of sleep considering, you know, pointless. That is really early Other ancient remedies which were believed to help you get to sleep include wearing armour in bed placing your genitals in warm milk before sleep sleeping with your index fingers in your nostrils or going to see David O'Doherty on tour David Doherty on tour with his autumn.

David. Well, I know one of those is definitely not true. The suit of armour one. Now, that does strike me as... Because it would be quite a relaxing thing to be... To be relaxing to wear a suit of armour? It would depend what the fabric was, or the... I guess it's metal more than fabric. I think it's famously metal, yeah.

I think a suit of armour that's made of fabric, that's just clothes. It's not true that it's a good way of sleeping. Susan? Well, I think putting your genitals in warm milk... I mean, it would be difficult. But maybe the effort of trying to do it would mean I would fall asleep. So I'm going to go for genitals in warm milk.

It's much easier for a man, that's for sure. No, there's no doubt that men possess the more dippable genitals. They do. You'll be glad to hear there's no evidence that he helps his sleep. In that case, I'm going to... It's not another sign of the patriarchy. Oh, and they have it easy with the milky sleep method. Holly.

I think the finger's up the nose, then. No, not the finger's up the nose. This paragraph is absolute carnage. Hang on, by a process of elimination, it's people who come to my shows, then. I mean, it's worth buzzing, right? Tickets still available, I presume. This is turning into a really horrible evening.

This show has really changed since the last time I went to do it. Well, it's the state of the world. Trump and Brexit, everyone's turned into an arsehole. They should just rename it The Unbelievable Home Truth. Richard. If you're feeling sleepy when you shouldn't be feeling sleepy, then you are almost certainly going to get fired from your pantomime. then you are almost certainly going to get fired from your pantomime.

Netflix have invented a pair of socks, which will pause Breaking Bad for you if you fall asleep in the middle. Starbucks have invented a good night coffee, which they say will help you get to sleep. And Richard Branson has invented a duvet with Virgin written on it, which is not selling as well as he'd hoped. David? It wouldn't surprise me if Starbucks had some sort of chamomile coffee. written on it which is not sending as well as he'd hoped. David. It wouldn't surprise me if Starbucks had some sort of chamomile coffee.

It wouldn't surprise me, but they don't. Oh, he's smuggled them all. No one's got one yet. Good smuggler. Some sleep facts. Margaret Thatcher famously only slept for three hours a night. Holly. That is true that she did sleep very, very short amounts.

It was four hours. But some nights she probably did did sleep very, very short amounts. It was four hours, though. Was it four? It was four. But some nights she probably did, you know, got up early. The famous sleeping fact about her is four hours. I know that because I only sleep for four hours a night and I put it in my book and everyone said, oh, you're just like Margaret Thatcher,

which is a really awful thing to say to anybody. Think how Margaret Thatcher would have felt if they'd said, you're just like Susan Calman. I think she would have killed herself because of my laser. Richard, I'm going to say that's true. Richard. People who sleep on the right hand side of the bed sleep on average for an hour longer every night People who sleep on the far left side of the bed

will often be accused of antisemitism and then angrily treat you about it Holly I think that right is true No Because in my house that's true. Because I'm nearer the door, I'm on guard. Right.

I have to wait up for the hit men, you know, just to keep guard of things. And so because you're nearer the door, you sleep less? Yeah, because I'm on guard. But that's because you're nearer the door? Yeah, because I'm on guard. So anyone comes in through the door, I'm going to get them. And it's because of the door? Well, I don't know where else the hitmen are going to come in

other than through the door. Well, exactly, but it's not because of the side of the bed you're on. It's because of the door. What you've got to be able to imagine is someone having a room where the door is on the left-hand side of the bed. Are you a hitman? As any new parent knows, a newborn baby can often sleep for up to 12 minutes at a time. The bad news is that a new parent loses over 1,000 hours of sleep in the first year of their child's life.

But the good news is, in just 18 short years' time, you can pay for them to go to university. On average, men experience involuntary erections... Oh, what a time to buzz! And the end of that sentence is, every time someone buzzes. Holly, you buzzed first. I'm sorry, I prematurely buzzed. I mean... Sorry, I wasly buzzed.

Sorry, I was going to say for the fact before, the 1,000 hours of baby's sleep loss. I mean, I do have an eight-month-old baby myself and I can't even say that sentence, so that's a... Well, that does seem to bear the fact out. Yes. No, you're absolutely right. Yes, a new parent loses 1,000 hours of sleep in the first year of their child's life.

On average, men experience involuntary erections every 75 minutes while they're asleep. Susan? I think that's how many involuntary erections... I wouldn't know, this is a pure guess. I've never... So I think that's... I think it's every 75 seconds or minutes,

the dirty, dirty little things. It was 75 minutes, Sir Richard says, not 75 seconds. Very good. Would that be a lot? Every 75 seconds, I think that would be quite a... ..quite a lifestyle challenge. But no. And bearing in mind you've got to fit in between them voluntary erections as well. Yeah, absolutely, yes. Mae'n heriau gwahanol. Mae'n heriau gwahanol. Mae'n heriau gwahanol. Mae'n heriau gwahanol.

Mae'n heriau gwahanol. Mae'n heriau gwahanol. Mae'n heriau gwahanol. Mae'n heriau gwahanol. Mae'n heriau gwahanol. Mae'n heriau gwahanol. Mae'n heriau gwahanol. Mae'n heriau gwahanol.

Mae'n heriau gwahanol. Mae'n heriau gwahanol. while you're asleep, and that is absolutely right. Oh, yay! A few things you can't do in your sleep. You can't pass wind in your sleep, or certainly not in the first year of a relationship. After that, it's pretty much compulsory. You can't hiccup, burp or whistle in your sleep. You also can't sneeze in your sleep. If you're feeling sneezy in bed, it's because you had too many drinks at the pantomime wrap party.

Holly? You don't sneeze in your sleep. That're feeling sneezy in bed is because you had too many drinks at the pantomime wrap party holly you don't sneeze in your sleep that's right you're well done and that's the end of richard's lecture and at the end of that round richard you've managed to smuggle two truths past the rest of the panel, which are that nobody knows why we sleep. That was smuggled in very early. Why do we sleep? No one knows. According to William C. Dement, renowned sleep researcher and founder of America's first sleep laboratory, the only reason we need to sleep that is really, really solid is because we get sleepy. really solid, is because we get sleepy. And the second truth is that Netflix have invented a pair of socks... Oh, my God.

..which will pause Breaking Bad, or indeed any programme, if you fall asleep in the middle. That means, Richard, you've scored two points. When you sleep in a different bed for the first time, half of your brain stays awake. No wonder Boris Johnson always looks so tired. Great snorers in history have included Benito Mussolini. In the end, Mussolini managed to cure his snoring

by that tried-and-tested old method, hanging from a lamppost upside down. We turn now to Holly Walsh. Your subject is mobile phones, portable wireless telephones connected to the phone system by radio, whose most recent incarnation, the smartphone, includes an integrated computer and internet connectivity. Off you go, Holly. Mobile phones are the worst invention since unsliced bread. In fact, they're so dangerous, experts say giving a mobile phone to a child

is like giving them a gram of cocaine, a pump action shotgun, an Andy McNabb audiobook, and telling them to just babysit themselves. Susan? Are mobile phones considered as dangerous as things? What were the options? Cocaine?

The options were... Cocaine, a gun or an audio book. Or my favourite birthday presents. A gun. Incorrect. Richard. I'm going to say cocaine, David. You're right. Oh, yes!

Yes. Yes, according to Harley Street Rehab Clinic specialist Mandy Saligari, when you're giving your kid a tablet or a phone, you're really giving them a bottle of wine or a gram of Coke. Are you really going to leave them to knock the whole thing out on their own behind closed doors? Maybe they shouldn't be called tablets then. Before the invention of the mobile phone, telephones were so big and heavy that they were

totally impossible to move. The first mass-produced mobile wasn't much better. It was so heavy it took all your strength just to pick it up. Most early calls were just people straining and gasping for breath. A practice carried on to this day by history re-enactors and perverts. A very tight Venn diagram. Richard. I mean, with respect, that is a very tight Venn diagram. Well, we can't know for sure, can we? Well, Richard and I could go undercover. I think that's probably the best plan. If you two go undercover and do some research, then we can decide the point later. But for now, I'm not going to, on the radio,

basically imply that anyone that does history re-enactment is a pervert. Although they are. I think we can all agree that it's very, very, very likely to be true. It's not an official truth. I like the fact that you suggested that you could go undercover as either a history re-enactor or a pervert, and no-one here questioned that. Well, I think one of each. One goes history and see if they meet naturally through their work.

Yes. I think David would be the pervert and Richard would be the historical re-enactment person. But he's so tall, think of all the armour you would need to bankrupt the BBC. It depends what period in history he wants to do. It doesn't need to be armoured. It could be more modern.

On the other side of it, think how easy it is for him to look over the top of toilet cubicles. That is so true. Holly. Originally, you had to hand-crank the mobile just to get enough power for a quick game of Snake. But scientists set to work and soon figured out how they could charge phones using urine

and the tears of people dumped by text. David. I'm going to say you could power a mobile phone with urine. I mean, why did I buzz in there? I feel like such a ninny. Well, as it happens, you're right. Yes, uh, according to Engineering and Technology magazine, scientists have for the first time recharged a smartphone with urine. have for the first time recharged a smartphone with urine. Dr Yanis Iropoulos from the University of the West of England... He's got quite a Cornish name. ..has developed a small fuel cell that turns urine into electricity.

He said, we're currently bidding for funding to develop a smart toilet. Watch this space. You can get mobile phone reception everywhere from the bottom of the Atlantic to the top of Mount Everest, just not in South London when it's windy. Richard, I bet you can get phone reception in those two places. In which places? Which one? I think it's possible to get a mobile phone reception at the... And the opposite. Interesting. So if the sea you're wrong no you can get

mobile phone reception at the top of Mount Everest I just can't get you thought you could use a mobile at the bottom of the sea. I'm surprised that of the two, you went for the one that was sub-aqua. If you can use your mobile phone on a beach, that is occasionally the bottom of the ocean as well. So you're defining the bottom... Are you saying that when you're standing in two inches of water paddling, you're at the bottom of the ocean?

Well, you're not at the top of the ocean, David. True, but you're in in two inches of water paddling, you're at the bottom of the ocean. Well, you're not at the top of the ocean, David. True, but obviously you're in the fortunate position that you could wade out several miles. And these days you can get apps to do everything, from working out which panellist on a radio comedy show is about to die next, bad luck, David, to helping you avoid commim... Which David?

about to die next bad luck david to helping you avoid coming which david to helping you avoid committing incest in iceland susan incest in iceland because they're all called something son or daughter so i think you'd need some help there in case you accidentally did all to your cousin you're absolutely right in case you accidentally diddle to your cousin. You're absolutely right. Yes, Iceland has a dating app that ensures you're not related to the person you're dating. This is a major concern for a country with a population of 334,000 where virtually everyone is distantly related.

Users can simply bump phones and check if they're too related to take their relationship to the next level. The app's slogan is, bump the app before you bump in bed. Oh! The average mobile phone has three mutant strains of measles, carries 18 times more bacteria than a toilet flush handle, and holds so much electricity,

you could use it to stun a medium-sized rugby player. Richard. It has 18 times more bacteria than a toilet flush handle. Correct. Yeah. Yes. So that's the mobile phone, possibly the worst thing that humans have ever invented,

apart from Crocs. Thank you, Holly. And at the end of that round, Holly, you've managed to smuggle no truths past the rest of the panel, which means you've scored no points. Apple suggests zero degrees Celsius as the lowest operating ambient temperature for the iPhone, hence the excitement every midsummer

as Scottish phones become briefly usable. Next up, it's Susan Calman. Susan, your subject is stealing, the taking of another person's property without permission or legal right. Fingers on buzzers, the rest of you, off you go, Susan. Shut it, you slag! My mother shouted at me from across the living room. My mother is Helen Mirren.

And the one thing she can't stand is a television cop show. To be honest, she took against them after being arrested herself for the crime of impersonating a police officer. She was staying at Coral Spring, Jamaica, and while the police were interrogating her, thieves made off with the entire beach.

Sure as eggs, Helen Mirren was once arrested for impersonating a police officer. Definitely. No, there's no need to say it. No, it's definitely right. My mum made more citizens' arrests than I've had hot dinners. And I've had 12 hot dinners. Of course, she didn't get everything right. Once she had a man in an armlock because she thought he was breaking into a car. He wasn't.

She had to wrestle 98 other men to the ground before she got the thief, because only 1% of car alarms that go off are caused by attempted theft. Holly. 1%. Correct. Yes. Yes. Yes, according to the American Automobile Association,

99% of cases of car alarms going off are false alarms, triggered by anything from a passing truck, a thunderclap, or a cat jumping on the bonnet. Of course, she's right to be concerned. Danger lurks round every corner. Toulouse has more chicken theft than any other part of France. Italy has more bank robberies, bicycle theft, and pickety-pocketing than the rest of Europe combined.

Dave, I've been on Italian eBay, and it's always full of bikes, so I'm going to say Italy has a very high rate of bicycle theft. It does not. Mum's paranoia stretched to home security. She always left the drinks cabinet open, but she kept it stuffed full of tea bags because apparently 93% of burglars would never steal a person's tea bags but 78% will have a gin and slim tasty. Mum's reign of terror ended for quite a mundane reason. She wanted to go to Midsomer and solve murders but she couldn't get there. Public transport in Britain is rampant with stuff being

nicked. In 2011 it was reported that British trains were delayed by 16,000 hours because of people stealing metal parts from the railways. Holly. That I can believe. Metal parts? Yes. That's correct. Well done.

Yes. Yes. In 2013, Stagecoach lost three drivers and their buses as they drove through the Whitstable Triangle. My mum is Helen Mirren. She will protect us all. Thank you, Susan. And at the end of that round, Susan,

you've managed to smuggle three truths past the rest of the panel. Which are that in Coral Spring, Jamaica, thieves made off with the entire beach. The 500 truckloads of sand remain missing to this day. The beauty about sand is it's very easy to launder, though. You just mix it together with other sand. You could never tell which particles came from that beach and what came from another beach.

You could cut the sand with other sand to you could never tell which particles came from that beach and what came from another beach. You could cut the sand with other sand to lower the purity of the sand. I'd say that the sand timer industry, I would look and see where they get their sand from. I think you might have just exposed something. I think time might be running out for them. The second truth is that Italy has more bank robberies than the rest of Europe combined.

And the third truth is that 93% of burglars would never steal a person's teabags. I mean, if you were stealing sand, you could put small quantities into each teabag and smuggle it away that way. Anyway, that means, Susan, you've scored three points. In 2003, a burglar robbed a flat, which turned out to be the one used for Norway's version of Big Brother.

His every move was followed by 17 video cameras and broadcast live to the viewers. If only he'd robbed the Big Brother house on Channel 5, he'd have got away completely unseen. It's now the turn of David O'Doherty. David is from the Republic of Ireland, you know, where they're still in the EU. The fools.

Your subject, David, is pets, domesticated animals kept for companionship or pleasure. Off you go, David. I should warn my fellow panellists that my talk on pets may get a little emotional at times, as a few personal facts may have inadvertently worked their way in. So just beware. Keep an eye out for that, then. The dictionary defines a pet as any domestic animal

kept for companionship except cats, which are the purest form of evil. The two places this definition does not apply are in Newcastle, where pet refers to absolutely anyone you don't like, and southern Ireland, where it refers to anyone with the name Pat. Hello, pet! I love the fact you did the accent. There are special bins in Mexico City

where if you insert your dog poo, you get free Wi-Fi. The more poo, the more free Wi-Fi. Or put another way, the bigger the whiffy, the longer the whiffy Wi-Fi. Susan. Poo for Wi-Fi sounds fairly reasonable. Yeah, given that we know that pee for battery charge, poo for Wi-Fi sounds fairly reasonable. Yeah, given that we know that P for battery charge, P for Wi-Fi sounds credible.

P for Wi-Fi. Yeah, well, you're absolutely right. Yes, I was. Yes, in 2012, dog walkers in ten parks around Mexico City were provided with pet waste disposal bins that activated a free wireless network for a set amount of time depending on the size of the dog poo deposit. How would you know it was dog poo and not human poo or just cake?

I mean, a simple way... A cake, a croissant. A croissant? An old croissant you find in your car? That's too light. Sand! You could use sand. Can you imagine? Imagine the amount of Wi-Fi. A whole beach of Wi-Fi. A whole beach of Wi-Fi. You will never find a public bin for cat poo, though, because cats like to do their sneaky business

in the most vindictive possible locations, such as often in a person's bed, in his AstroTurf runners, and once in his wash bag. Yes, his toothbrush was in there at the time. We can learn a lot about a pet from its Latin name. Dogs are corrigia companius, loyal friends. Ferrets are mustela putorius furo, smelly little thieves. Holly.

That is the name for a ferret, but that's just not the translation. It is both the name for a ferret and the translation. And the translation, all right, yeah. So well done, you get a point. Thank you. Yeah. I think your biggest error with that was that I did badgers and their family for my mastermind specialist subject.

What is the Latin for badger? Disappointing panda. So are they closely related? Yeah, they're very closely related, yeah. Interesting. While making love to his wife, Josephine, on their wedding night, Napoleon was bitten on the leg by her pet pug. Susan.

Yeah, bitten on the leg by the pet pug. You're absolutely right. Yes. Medieval witches trumped up business by telling women that pregnancy pains were caused by kittens in their womb and sold potions to ease the pain. Susan. Yeah, cats are blamed for everything, I would say,

even though they are angels sent from heaven, generally. You're absolutely right, yes. And, in fact, that's where we get the phrase, to have kittens. And as late as 1654, which is nearly five o'clock, as late as 1654, a woman tried in a Scottish court for attempting to procure an abortion, pleaded an excuse that she had done so

because she had, quote, cats in her belly. Boris Johnson had a cat called Pussalini, and David Baddiel had one called Chairman Meow. Susan? Chairman Meow, Baddiel's cat, yes. That's absolutely right. Wow. Yes.

Other cats named after authoritarian leaders include Kitty Armeen, Robert Mugabe... LAUGHTER ..and Margaret Scratcher. LAUGHTER Although I wonder, did any of the dictators of the 20th century ever think of something as dastardly as to knock from the wall a hugely sentimental painting by a recently deceased relative

before leaping through it, evil Knievel on his motorbike style, then nibbling parts of it and regurgitating them into a chili that I was making on the hob for a first romantic evening with a potential new partner. Oh, what's this in our first meal together, David? Is this a piece of a portrait of your mother? Why are you trying to feed me this? No, no genocidal maniac ever thought of something as awful as that. Thank you, David. At the end of the round, David,

you've managed to smuggle no truth past the rest of the panel, so you've scored no points. Which brings us to the final scores. In fourth place, with minus five points, we have David O'Doherty. In joint second place, with one point each, it's Holly and Richard.

And in first place, with an unassailable five points, is this week's winner, Susan Calman. That's about it for this week. Goodbye. The Unbelievable Truth was devised by John Nesmith and Graham Gardner and featured David Mitchell in the chair, with panellists David O'Doherty, Susan Calman, Holly Walsh and Richard Osman. The chairman's script was written by Dan Gaster and Colin Swash

and the producer was John Nason. It was a random production for BBC Radio 4.