The Unbelievable Truth - 21x03 Drunkenness, Passports, Orange, The Weather

Episode Date: February 18, 2022

21x03 7 January 2019 Sandi Toksvig, Jon Richardson, Lucy Porter, Graeme Garden Drunkenness, Passports, Orange, The Weather

We present The Unbelievable Truth, the panel game built on truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. Hello and welcome to The Unbelievable Truth, the panel show about incredible truths and barely credible lies. I'm David Mitchell. It's a show where 30 minutes is guaranteed to fly by, particularly if you listen on iPlayer and drag the cursor briskly to the right.

As for this week's panel, it's hard to imagine a more exciting line-up. Hard, but not impossible. Still, please welcome John Richardson, Lucy Porter, Graham Garden and Sandy Toksvig. The rules are as follows. Each panellist will present a short lecture that should be entirely false, save for five hidden truths which their opponent should try to identify. Points are scored by truths that go unnoticed,

while other panellists can win points if they spot a truth, or lose points if they mistake a lie for a truth. First up is Sandy Toksvig. Sandy says she often gets mistaken for Mission Impossible actor Tom Cruise. Ridiculous, really. If you put them side by side, Sandy would tower over Tom. Sandy, your subject is drunkenness. The temporary loss of one's faculties due to the excessive consumption of alcohol. Off you go, Sandy. Fingers on buzzers, the rest of you. A man walked into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and called out, a beer, please, and one for the road. These jokes are about 50,000 years old

and date from the time when humans first discovered how to get drunk. This date would have coincided with the discovery of fire, except someone let the first fire go out and everyone was too drunk to remember how to start the wretched thing again. My favourite drink is a Manhattan, which is appropriate as according to popular legend, the word Manhattan comes from the Algonquin, Manhattan, meaning the place we all got drunk. Graham. I think it does mean that. Well, it doesn't, but that is the popular legend. So you have spotted that trick. Do I have a popular point, then?

You get a point, yes. I've just given it to you in a slightly grudging way. In Scotland, it's illegal to be drunk while in possession of a cow, while in Russia, one drunk man married his tractor because no-one could find a law to stop him. Lucy. I think the drunk man married his tractor. Someone one could find a law to stop him. Lucy. I think the drunk man married his tractor. Someone in the audience agrees.

Unfortunately, history doesn't. You'd be surprised at the people who can't handle their booze. Former Lib Dem leader Nick Clegg had to do community service after getting drunk and setting fire to a cactus, which leads me to the warning, watch out for cacti and pricks. I'm ashamed to say I was once so drunk on an episode of the Food and Drink Show that I was filmed attempting to put the heads back on peeled crayfish at a Swedish barbecue. Lucy.

Oh, did you? Yeah. Balling, babe. I'm supposed to be talking to Cameron. They're all in front of me, people have been eating it, and I'm going, I think that one came from this tail. LAUGHTER Anyway, yes? John.

Was that a thing, then? Yes. And that's a point? It was true. She's the leading authority on whether or not she did it. Was that a thing, then? Yes. And that's a point? It was true. She's the leading authority on whether or not she did it. So that's it. There's also filmed footage that was broadcast. Yeah.

I'm not proud at the last party for a certain baking programme. I may also have had the odd tipple. I ended up snogging Paul Hollywood. At least I thought it was Paul Hollywood. It turned out to be an oven. Easy mistake. hot square thing. Cliff Richard, on the other hand, a great friend of the BBC, has only touched... ..has only touched alcohol once in his life.

He got steamingly drunk on brown ale during an early tour with the Shadows, as a result of which, he says in his autobiography, I lost control of my limbs and at one point upended a footstool. I was like a madman. Graham. Upending a footstool. I think that's true. It's not true.

He's never lost control to that extent. Good heavens. Most animals are partial to an alcoholic beverage, and this is a particular problem we have in Scandinavia, where the elk cannot be trusted. In 2005, a group of drunken elk were arrested in Malmö for loitering outside an old people's home. However, they told the police they'd only had a small glass of schnapps between them.

Lucy. I have the feeling I've heard about drunken elks somewhere. I think Sandy just said it. I'm so drunk I have no idea what's going on. Well, you're absolutely right. It is true. Rusty, in 2005, a group of drunken elk were arrested for loitering outside an old people's home.

In Sweden in particular, elk gorged themselves on aged apples, not realising that they have fermented. As a result, they often end up in an aggressive drunken stupor. And that is, coincidentally, the end of Sandy's lecture. And at the end of that round, Sandy, you've managed to smuggle two truths past the rest of the panel, which are that in Scotland it is illegal to be drunk while in possession of a cow, or whilst in possession of a loaded firearm.

I mean, that sounds more sensible. And the second truth is that Nick Clegg once had to do community service after getting drunk and setting fire to a cactus. While he was on a school trip to Germany, he said of the incident, I did commit a bad thing when I was a teenager. I set light to some cacti. It's such a surreal thing to say.

An act of rare anti-Europeanism. And that means, Sandy, you've scored two points. William Pitt the Younger was a prolific drinker and was once so drunk he actually sneaked behind the Speaker's chair in mid-debate to throw up. The game was up after the Speaker shouted, Order! And he yelled out, A large vodka and Coke, please. OK, we turn now to John Richardson.

As a young comedian, John moved to Swindon and lived on his own for four years. It's what psychiatrists would call a cry for help. John, your subject is passports, official documents issued by governments which entitle them to travel to and from foreign countries. Fingers on buzzers, everyone else. Off you go, John. The time is August 2016 and I am attempting to board a flight for a family holiday to Rio. I am being held at passport control for several hours, stuck behind a horse attempting to travel to Brazil to compete in the Olympics, whose passport does not have an acceptable photo inside. Their inability to fit inside a photo booth or fill out complex application forms

are simply the beginning of the problems when horses are obliged to have passports before they can fly. I'm afraid I can't see all your features on the photo, insists the official. Why such a long face? Little did I know then that by 2017 I'd be able to take my passport photo on my phone. Who'd have thought that selfies would be considered acceptable for passport photos, but not as dinner party conversation? Before mobile phones allowed men to disseminate unsolicited pictures of themselves to women at the touch of a button, taller versions of the familiar passport photo booth were placed in Soho,

allowing perverts to stand up and take images to later send by post. These were known as scroto booths. Sandy. I just think we need a break. Morrissey owns the world's only certified vegan passport, as all other EU passports contain animal products used in the dyeing process. Lucy. I think passports are not vegan.

Well, I don't think they eat anything, do they? But Morrissey doesn't own the world's only vegan possible frustrating to listen to I'm sure if he's listening eventually at the front of the queue I handed over my own passport seething at its redness and excited for the seamless transition to blue which would unfold over the next three to four weeks I had already submitted my own design for the seamless transition to blue which would unfold over the next three to four weeks. I had already submitted my own design for the new British passport featuring a flipbook image of Boris Johnson descending a zip wire as you flick through its pages.

It was turned down as it was deemed too close to the Finnish passport that shows a walking moose. A moose once bit my sister. Lucy. Go on then, the Finnish passport shows a walking... Elks did well for me, so I'm thinking moose similarly. You're absolutely right. The Finnish passport shows a walking moose.

The reason you tend not to encounter many Swiss people at airports is that your passport application in Switzerland can be blocked if your neighbours find you irritating. My only hope, if I ever move there, would be to circumvent any travel restriction by purchasing a Tongan passport, which has been picked up for less than the price of a new Volvo V4. This offer means the state of Tonga is now so unscrupulous,

it has applied to have its change name... Oh, I'm so excited. There's something wrong with one of us. I know. I'm trying to leave gaps for you to edit laughs in because passports turned out to be a drier topic than I anticipated. Sandy. That is true. This offer means the state of Tonga is now so unscrupulous about money

it has applied to have its name changed to Wonga. Sandy. I suspect that the price is about right, what you said, to buy a Tongan passport. Yes, you're absolutely right. The Polynesian sovereign state of Tonga sold thousands of passports, starting in the early 80s,

for up to $20,000 each, and the price of a Volvo V4 is just over £20,000. An audit of Tonga's immigration divisions found a Chinese couple, Sian Li and his wife, had been issued seven diplomatic passports and 15 ordinary passports since 2003. I mean, that's becoming a real habit.

Just trying to get a photo you like, though, isn't it? And that's the end of John's lecture. At the end of that round, John, you've managed to smuggle three truths past the rest of the panel, which are that horses are obliged to have passports before they can fly. The passport is a small booklet or smart card that identifies the animal by its height and species and states if it can be used for human consumption when it dies.

I've filled in that part of my passport. The second truth is that since 2017, the Home Office have accepted passport photos taken on a phone, tablet or camera for passport renewal. I think they've always accepted them on a camera, but, you know, your own camera for passport renewals. And the third truth is that your passport application in Switzerland can be blocked if your neighbours find you irritating. In 2017, Dutch-born Nancy Holton was denied a Swiss passport for a second time

after locals complained of her annoying campaign against the local tradition of putting bells around cows' necks. annoying campaign against the local tradition of putting bells around cows' necks. Tanya Souter, president of the Swiss People's Party, branded Ms. Holton a big mouth and said citizenship would be denied because, quote, she annoys us and doesn't respect our traditions. And that means, John, you've scored three points. The pages of the Finnish passport feature a flipbook of a walking moose. Similar plans for the all-new blue-fronted UK passport show a vintage motor car driving off a cliff edge.

Next up is Lucy Porter. Lucy, your subject is orange, a colour midway between red and yellow matching that of the fruit which shares its name. Off you go, Lucy. Oranges were first discovered in 1382 at the bottom of a Spaniard's stocking. By Tudor times, the orange was so popular

that its name was used to describe the colour that had previously just been known as carrotish, salmon-esque, or, oh, you know, that sort of yellowy-red colour that your neck boils go when you've got scrofula. Graham. Yeah, I think the colour was named after the fruit. Yes, it was. Oh, you know that sort of yellowy-red colour that your neck boils go when you've got scrofula? Graham? Yeah, I think the colour was named after the fruit. Yes, it was. The OED says the first use of orange for the fruit is around 1400,

and for the colour is 1557. The colour orange had many different names before someone realised it was usually the same colour as the fruit, and should share that name. In the early 1600s, scientists discovered a way to make a synthetic orange cloth dye, and soon orange clothing became all the rage. Unfortunately, the orange dye was made from arsenic, as a result of which thousands perished. Orange fever was quite literally the new Black Death.

Orange was so trendy in the late 17th century that several cities in Europe and the New World changed their names to incorporate this hot new colour. San Francisco was San Fran Orange, New York was New Orange, Venice was Wet Orange, and one Somerset town became briefly known as Little Orange on the Sea before they decided they wanted a sillier name and changed it to Western Supermare.

John. Oh, this is going to sound so stupid now. I think... Oh. Because I think it, and then when I hear it out loud, it sounds ridiculous. But I think... We think, Graham and I, that New York was called New Orange.

You're absolutely right. Yes. In 1673, the Dutch recaptured New York from the British and renamed it New Orange before it was ceded back to the British the following year and became New York once again. Even I'm delighted that you got that because it feels like you've grown in confidence as a result.

I know, yeah. I'm going to be mighty trigger happy with this buzzy for now. The soft drink Fanta is so called because it comes from a recipe originally created by Infanta Maria Cristina of Spain in 1812. The rival beverage Tango is so called because it's made from oranges

juiced between the thighs of Argentinian dancers. And the popular French brand, Orangina, only introduced the bits at the bottom of their drink when it was launched for the British market, after market research found that UK consumers found the bits slightly irritating and thus more authentically French. In Denmark, instead of saying cheese when they pose for a photo, they say orange, shortened down over the years from orangey glad that we're not Swedish. Due to its association

with sunshine and happiness, humans subconsciously regard orange things as having a higher value than non-orange things. Secondhand orange cars retain their value better than any other colour of car, as do pre-owned orange designer bags and second-hand satsumas. On the Pantone colour chart, Donald Trump's face matches tone 1375XCG. In the Dulux range, he'd be Moroccan Flame, and to Farrow & Ball customers, he's dull brick. I have to go with dull brick. That's so fantastic. I want there to be a paint colour.

There isn't that paint colour. Possibly because it's the same colour as Donald Trump and no one wants their house to look like that. Victorian naturalist Alfred Russell Wallace was one of the many people who struggled to differentiate between colours on the red-orange spectrum, which led to some dodgy classifications of popular species. Red squirrels are actually orange, as are the Madagascan tomato frog and the red panda, although they all prefer to be called strawberry blonde. Thank you, Lucy.

At the end of that round, Lucy, you've managed to smuggle three truths past the rest of the panel, the first of which I'm nervous about because it is about Denmark, and I'm worried we're wrong, and Sandy's going to correct me. But it's apparently true that in Denmark, instead of saying cheese, when they pose for a photo, they say orange. When the Danes pose for a photo, they say applesin, or an extended applesine. that true sandy have you ever heard that no i mean that is the correct word for orange

that is the great word for orange but it would make sense you said the last syllable your mouth would go into a smile shape like when you say yeah the second truth is that second-hand orange cars retain their value better than any other colour of car. According to a recent study by research and data company IC Cars, the average car depreciates by about 30% during the first three years of ownership, but orange and yellow cars only lose 22% of their value in that same time. And the third truth is that red squirrels are actually orange.

And I thought they were called red squirrels because it was before the word orange was used as a color so they said red because it was closest they didn't have orange you have some great chats don't you I think I actually I might have heard that on QI we can't base our understanding of the world on panel shows. You know that we use this show to get our facts from. But Lucy Porter has scored three points. It's now the turn of Graham Garden. Graham is the oldest garden in Britain not currently managed by the National Trust.

Your subject, Graham, is the weather. The condition of the atmosphere in one area at a particular time with respect to wind, velocity, temperature, cloudiness, moisture and barometric pressure. Off you go, Graham. More deadly than the male. Hurricanes with feminine names cause many more deaths than hurricanes with masculine names When the storm of the century hurricane Brenda threatened the Bahamas They rapidly changed its name to Cecil and by the time it made landfall it was downgraded to slight drizzle Lucy I think female hurricanes are more deadly than male ones. That's absolutely right. Yes.

Feminine-named hurricanes versus masculine-named hurricanes cause significantly more deaths, apparently because they lead to a lower perceived risk and consequently less preparedness. People going, oh, it's only Doris, it'll be all right. Oh, no, it's Steve. We're taking this one seriously. It's one of those things you don't know whether to be flattered by or...

I don't know where my political position is on this. No, we'll get back to you. Britain is the windiest country in Europe, which is largely due to the vast amounts of wind produced by our many wind farms. In the Met Office Guide to Forecasting, just one extra minute of sunshine is enough to change a forecast of partly sunny to partly cloudy.

John. There must be a point at which sunny becomes cloudy. It must be measured somehow. They can't measure the number of clouds, so maybe that's true. I mean, you were right in your initial premise that there is a difference between sunny and cloudy. But in weather reports, the terms partly cloudy and partly sunny mean exactly the same thing.

So there is no change between the two states and thank you for taking the time to make me feel better before you told me i was wrong it was very encouraging there are no wrong answers john except for the one you just gave well you know me it's all about making the program long enough However, if you want correct weather predictions, you can't do better than to ask old wives. Take their well-known saying, red sky at night, shepherds delight.

Research has shown that after a particularly red sunset, eight out of ten shepherds are delighted. So the saying is true. Lucy. I think there is some truth in that if there's a red sunset that there's a nice day the next day. There is truth in that. You're absolutely right. Research into weather proverbs has proved that red sky at night shepherds delight is true most of the time.

Everyone will sleep more easily now that President Trump has banned global warming. Thanks to him, the jet stream and the Atlantic current El Ninja now run in the right direction, bringing us all the coal dust, asbestos, sulphur dioxide and floating plastic we could ask for. On the subject of Arctic flow, the President insists he never met her. In Australia, tornadoes are known as dicky-dickies,

and flash floods are called woolloomaloos. Sydney Opera House looks the way it does because it was designed to withstand severe weather, and if a mega typhoon should ever strike Sydney Harbour, the entire Opera House can curl up like an armadillo. Sandy. I like the wallabalabalabla flesh floods. Yes, it's nice, but it's a lie.

John. Well, while we're on the subject, I like the sound of dicky dickies. They're not called dicky dickies. They're called willy willies. So sorry. Dicky dickies is a ridiculous name. Did you know that the Sydney Opera House is actually designed based on the segments of an orange yeah it was a Danish designer and he was eating an orange and he looked at all the pieces and that's the shape of the roof that he

put the pieces in a row they're real charlatans architects are they eating in the orange all right that'll do I'll do another one in the shape of a bag of crisps Cornish old wives have a saying when clouds are black and growing blacker then he G Thomas Shavanaka LAUGHTER Coldermouth in Cumbria is the wettest town in England. It doesn't get much rain, but the people are really pathetic. LAUGHTER Do you know that they won't even bother to write in?

In dry weather, your fingernails grow more quickly, but on the other hand, the fingernails grow more slowly. The Wizard of Oz. Lucy. I'm sure in the summer, your things grow more quickly. It's because people wear less. It is true that in warm weather your nails grow more quickly, but not in dry weather.

The Wizard of Oz premiered in 1940, and for the next five years no tornadoes were forecast in the USA. Forecasters were forbidden from mentioning twisters for fear of upsetting the gullible American population who feared a wicked witch apocalypse. And if you're dreaming of a white Christmas, dream on. In the whole of the 20th century in the UK, there were only 13 white Christmases. Statistically speaking, you're more likely to see a white Easter. Lucy. That's true in the last few years, and I have a very short memory.

You're more likely to see a white Easter than a white Christmas. Yes, that's absolutely true. Oh, well done. This is according to the Met Office. Statistically speaking, you're more likely to see a white Easter than a white Christmas. The Met Office say it has snowed for more days on average in March than it has December. Now, this is a truth we were given. This is what the Met Office say it has snowed for more days on average in March than it has December. Now, this is the truth we were given. This is what the Met Office say.

But I don't buy that. Because it said, OK, it's more likely to snow on any given day in March than it is on any given day in December. But Easter is only in March about a quarter of the time. So it would need to snow four times as much in March in order for it to be more likely to be a white Easter if Easter's in March than a white Christmas. And I think they're just going for a headline. What they mean is it's more likely to snow at the earliest time Easter can be than at Christmas.

Wow, this has really exercised you. Yes. Plus, late December is more likely to be snowy than early December, and late March is less likely to be snowy than early December, and late March is less likely to be snowy than early March. And Easter is never in early March, and Christmas is never in early December. I don't even want the point now. Darling, David, do you want to lie down for a little bit?

I always want to lie down. But, yes, nevertheless, the Met Office say it, and that's... Wow, still going. OK. But I'm not surprised they lost their contract with the BBC with this nonsense. Yeah. The BBC's moved away from the Met Office. Now they're asking the old wives. Very sensible. Anyway. Graham. In Kent, there's an old wives. Very sensible. Anyway.

Graham. In Kent, there's an old wives rhyme which goes, a swain, a maid and a kissing gown say it will soon be raining. Thank you, Graham. At the end of that round, Graham, you've managed to smuggle two truths past the rest of the panel, which are that Britain is the windiest country in Europe. In 2011, Scottish ice cream makers Mackey's claimed in an ad campaign that their factory was powered by wind turbines

and that they were based in the windiest spot in Europe. When the Advertising Standards Authority challenged the latter part of their claim, the company compiled the relevant data from British scientists to back their statement and won. So, well done them. It's a lovely feeling with an ice cream. You want to feel this has come from somewhere really windy. And the second truth

is that forecasters were forbidden from mentioning twisters from 1887 to 1950 for fear of causing panic amongst the local population. The word tornado in forecasts was replaced by euphemisms like severe local storms. But it wasn't related to the Wizard of Oz. And that means, Graham, you've scored two points.

China's Erwangdong Cave is so big it has its own weather system. Although this fascinating fact is completely overshadowed by the fact that its name contains both Wang and Dong. Which brings us to the final scores. And in fourth place, with minus three points, we have Sandy Totsvig. In third place, with one point, it's John Richardson. In second place with two points is Graham Garden.

And in first place with an unassailable eight points... ..though it's seven if I'm right about the weather... ..it's this week's winner, Lucy Porter That's about it for this week Goodbye The Unbelievable Truth was devised by John Naismith and Graham Garden and featured David Mitchell in the chair with panellists John Richardson, Lucy Porter, Graham Garden and Sandy Toksvig

The chairman's script was written by Dan Gaster and Colin Swash and the producer was John Naismith. It was a random production for BBC Radio 4.