The Unbelievable Truth - 21x04 Holidays, Queens, Teeth, Ants

Episode Date: February 18, 2022

21x04 14 January 2019 Henning Wehn, Lou Sanders, Zoe Lyons, Lloyd Langford Holidays, Queens, Teeth, Ants

We present The Unbelievable Truth, the panel game built on truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. Hello and welcome to The Unbelievable Truth, the panel show about incredible truths and barely credible lies. I'm David Mitchell. And please welcome this week's comedians, each one of them perfect panel material, wooden and thick as planks.

They are Lloyd Langford, Zoe Lyons, Lou Sanders and Henning Vane. The rules are as follows. Each panelist will present a short lecture that should be entirely false, save for five hidden truths which their opponent should try to identify. Points are scored by truths that go unnoticed, while other panellists can win points if they spot a truth or lose points if they mistake a lie for a truth. First up is Henning Vane. Henning is from Germany, you know, the country that didn't make it out of the group

stages in the last World Cup. How about the one before that? Look, I know we shouldn't take pleasure in other people's failures. If only there was a word for that. Henning, your subject is holidays, periods of time during which work or study is suspended and people indulge instead in leisure and recreation. Off you go, Henning. Fingers on buzzers, everyone else. Every day is a holiday somewhere in the world, which is why nothing ever gets done.

Lou. I think every day is a holiday, depending on your vibe. Done. Lou. I think every day is a holiday, depending on your vibe. Yeah, I suppose, depending on your vibe, no day is a holiday. Yeah, for me, holiday for you. Never, no joy, absolutely.

But it is also true that every day is literally a holiday somewhere in the world. To pick some dates at random. Lloyd, when's your birthday? August the 6th, 1983. The 6th of August is Independence Day in both Bolivia and Jamaica. Lou, when's yours? 24th of November. That is Teachers' Day in Turkey, an annual holiday to celebrate Turkey's teachers. Henning?

And they all rest it now, aren't they? Funny. May my birthday April the 10th. Yes, that's Builders Day in Azerbaijan. Annual holiday to celebrate Azerbaijan's builders. Zoe? 3rd of October. That's Tag der Deutschen Einheit. Commemorating the anniversary of German reunification in 1990.

Does anyone want to come to my party? On the 24th of November. No, I'm going to a big teacher's day. Oh, right. I meant the other guys, actually. I meant the other guys, actually. Holidays are not just for humans. Oh, no.

In Indonesia, January the 8th is Insect Day, when all creepy crawlies get a holiday from being squashed. The zoo in Tokyo closes every year for eight weeks to give the animals a holiday from the visitors. Lou. Absolutely true. Absolutely not. I thought I'd just try and wear a bit of confidence. But it's a bit of an internet meme saying that it's true, but it's not.

But what about the insects? That was a separate thing. That was in Indonesia. Anyway, I want to do the insects one now. Do you want to venture a buzz on the insects one no because now i'm thinking from your attitude that no go on otherwise we'll never find out okay that's not true by the way you'll find out at the end insects true they give them a holiday, so you're buzzing for that. There we go. No, it's not true. Fine.

Fine. Can I pre-emptively buzz and say that the next thing Henning's going to say is going to be true? Interesting. That is a very good one. Excellent. Japanese people look after their animals so well. Even the stuffed ones go on holiday.

Yes, that is true. Yeah, yeah. Lloyd gets a point there, because it is true, Japanese people can send their stuffed animals on holiday. And Unagi Travel is the company that does it. on holiday. And Unagi Travel is the company that does it. It's a Tokyo-based travel agency that will take your teddy bear, doll, or stuffed toy on holiday if you're

too busy to do so yourself. They're bonkers, aren't they? But all this was started by feathered birds, who sometimes do girls-only migrations to France, presumably to hit the shops, usually the window. Lloyd? I'm getting that's true. Maybe like a female birds gonna France

You're right it is true Yes, some birds take quote girls only holidays Balearic shearwaters embark on female-only migrations to France over the summer, whilst males head to other locations for the summer period. Well, the birds aren't alone, of course, as 75% of French people take their holidays in France, thank goodness. You can't have too much of a good thing, though, and scientists reckon that we lose 20% of our IQ when we go on holidays.

Lou. Yep, yep, yep, yep. 25% loss, I think. It was 20%, he said. I'm on holiday! I told you my vibe is holiday. That is true. Yes, according to research,

our IQs decrease by up to 20% after a two-week holiday. You're also more likely to get pregnant. That's just in my experience. How sick must you be after a gap year? Anyway, that's the end of Henning's lecture. And at the end of that round, Henning, you've managed to smuggle one truth past the rest of the panel, which is that 75% of French people take their holidays in France. And that means, Henning, you've scored one point.

The Blarney Stone, which some 400,000 people have kissed for good luck, was named the most unhealthy tourist attraction in the world by TripAdvisor. Though in a recent update, it has been knocked off the number one spot by a door handle in Salisbury. Okay, we turn now to Lou Sanders. As a child, Lou got a blue Peter badge for sending in a picture she'd drawn, despite the fact she'd actually traced it. Luckily, the presenter was too coked off his face to notice. Lou, your subject is queens.

Female monarchs or the wives, mothers or widows of kings. Off you go, Lou. Every year at Christmas, the queen gets each of her staff a snow globe and inside each magical globe is a picture of Princess Diana's funeral. Henning. Henning I don't think the content of them snow gloves is what Lou just tried to make us believe but does she dole out snow globes? No Nice dress shape she did. Yeah, it's a nice present a snow globe whether or not depicting a funeral

But no, she sends them Christmas puddings. Stingy cow. And in fact, she's recently swapped from giving them Fortnum and Mason Christmas puddings to giving them Tesco's finest ones. Stingy cow. Okay. Oh, did your accent then?

Okay. Oh, that's me. There are two Hennings.'s uncanny isn't it I'll read the rest in the Henning Baines voice Okay The Queen The Queen killed Princess Diana Because of an argument

Over Harry Bowes It's really easy to do comedy in your voice. Yeah, and a lot less to understand what someone's saying. But anyway, let's get back to the lighter topic of royal presents. For one birthday, the Queen received a gift of horse semen, which was worth

around £5,000. Cash money, not weight. Lord. I think that's probably true. It was like a really fast horse. I mean, in terms of... Yeah. In terms of racing, not that it was a premature... I think the semen of fast horses is more sought after

than the semen of slow horses. It was delivered by the breeder of the horse, not the horse itself. Yes. That is definitely true. For the Queen's birthday, horse breeder Christina Pitino gave Her Majesty a session with one of her top breeding stallions named Big Bad Bob, with one of her top breeding stallions named Big Bad Bob.

Whose semen goes for £5,000 a pop. I don't know whether it actually makes a popping noise, but yes. So she received a consignment of semen. And that's how Prince Charles was born. It does answer that question, once you get somebody who's got everything for Christmas. Yes. More horsey. Yeah.

And one Christmas, the Queen's present included a CD-ROM of Now That's What I Call Music, Volume 38, some washing-up gloves and an ethical refugee stripper gram. Historical Queens, world queens. Queen Victoria was named after Victoria's Secrets, which goes a little way towards explaining why she wore crotchless underwear. Lloyd. I think maybe Queen Victoria wore crotchless underwear.

You pervert. That is absolutely true, yes. I'm calling him a pervert because of something else. Like other ladies of the late Victorian era, Queen Victoria wore open crotch knickers whose separate legs were joined by a drawstring at the waist. It doesn't sound very Victorian, does it? They were so buttoned up to go completely commando underneath. That's like, wow!

That entirely encapsulates the whole hypocritical era, doesn't it? They were buttoned up to go completely commando underneath that's like wow that entirely encapsulates the whole hypocritical era doesn't it they were buttoned up on the outside and underneath it's all you know prostitution and self-flagellation amazing days happy days well not happy mixed mixed you'd be dead from tuberculosis at 12 but at least your undercarriage would have a good airing. Yes. The Queen of Madagascar executed any of her subjects who appeared in her dreams. And the Queen of Angola had a nice big harem of men who, after a night of love, she often executed,

which gives a new meaning to the phrase giving head. Sorry. I think that's probably true. At some point, there was a queen of Angola who had a harem. You're absolutely right. Yes. Yes, it was a 17th century queen, Nzinga of the Ndongo and Matamba kingdoms of Angola, who, according to the Marquis de Sade,

quote, immolated her lovers. At least she wasn't stingy. Doesn't say. She might also have been stingy. But the thing is, if she was stingy, it's not the first thing people are going to say about her. Thank you, Lou. And at the end of that round, Lou, you've managed to smuggle two truths past the rest of the panel

which are that the queen was once given for Christmas some washing up gloves Margaret Thatcher once gave her a pair of marigold washing up gloves after spotting her washing up at Balmoral barehanded and the second truth is that the queen of Madagascar executed any of her subjects who appeared in her dreams. The 19th century Queen Rana Valona, the cruel of Madagascar, was married to the heir to the throne. But when he died young and without an heir, Rana Valona systematically captured and killed most of the relations, including the rightful heir and all her political rivals. Such was her paranoia that she was even known to execute any subject who appeared in her dreams. Another mean queen

was Queen Henrietta, wife of Leopold II of the Belgians, who kept a pet llama that she taught to spit in the face of anyone who stroked it. And that means, Lou, that you scored two points. And that means, Lou, that you've scored two points. Alexander Graham Bell committed a social faux pas when he touched Queen Victoria's hand while demonstrating his invention, the telephone, though she blushed even more hotly when he asked if she'd like to give Prince Albert a little ring. Next up is Zoe Lyons. On 2009's pink list, Zoe was voted 81st of the 101 most influential gay or lesbian people in Britain. This year, she managed to rise even

higher, certainly to over 101, as I couldn't see her name on the list at all. Zoe, your subject is teeth. Hard, white, enamel-coated structures in the mouth used for biting and chewing. Off you go, Zoe. It is often said that teeth are the windows to the soul. They can reveal more to us about a person than their eyes or their bank balance. And as the old saying has it,

a woman's crowning glory are her teeth. Helen of Troy had only one tooth, but it was a proper cracker. Lloyd. I think teeth can reveal more about a person than their eyes. Which is why when they find corpses, they often identify them by teeth rather than I When they go and sell horses you always look into a horse's mouth don't yeah, I don't look into the horse's eyes Well, it's not this is wasn't one of the truths we were given Lloyd I think in general the eyes as I seem to be more revelatory of mood and personality, but it's certainly

true that in an air crash scenario you absolutely can't beat dental records. But then I suppose that's a point where someone's mood is self-evident. It'd be slightly weird, Lloyd, if you went on a date and just stared lovingly into their teeth.

If the person is dead they're not really a person anymore. They're an object. So in a sense, the teeth aren't revealing anything about the person. They're revealing something about a former person. Okay, I apologise. I'm just working it through. So I think on balance, I won't give you a point. I mean, you can tell the age well from looking at people's teeth.

Unless not these days, because they've all left them redone, don't they? Yes, that's true. You haven't had yours redone yet, have you? That's what I like about you. Thank you. I'm going to make that a compliment. Yeah, no, I haven't had them done. Yes, good.

Yeah, thank you. They're still all wonky. Women in Aztec communities used to extract their healthy back molars and wear them on a necklace so that possible suitors could check out all of their nashers. It would certainly explain the charming South American boys' chant, get your teeth out for the lads. Henning.

I mean, that is so surreal. It's got to be true because you just couldn't make that up. Ah, well, Zoe can. Yeah. In my book, The Language of Teeth, I discuss how the colour of a person's teeth has a profound significance. For example, in ancient Rome, some people whitened their teeth with quicklime,

some with pig's blood blood and some with urine. Lloyd. I think some of the ancient Romans whitened their teeth with urine. You're absolutely right. Skillfully avoided the pig's blood and the quicklime and went straight for the urine. Because he does that in Cardiff as well, don't you? He knows it works. Yes, Romans used urine as a type of mouthwash to whiten their teeth,

and Spanish urine was particularly prized for this purpose. An 18th century way to treat toothache was to tie a dead mole around your neck, although a better way to take your mind off the pain was to tie a live mole around your neck. Henning. Sorry, the first bit about the mole. You say again what I've buzzed in for? The first bit about the mole was an 18th century way to treat toothache was to tie a dead mole around your neck. That's exactly what they used to do. It is exactly what they used to do.

Whoa! Yes, until as late as the 18th century, moles were considered popular cures. The wearing of a dead mole around the neck was said to cure toothache, and they were commonly hung around the necks of babies to ease teething pains. a toothache and they were commonly hung around the necks of babies to ease teething pains. The otherwise rather gummy Ecuadorian dart toad has but one tooth right on the end of its large tongue. The teeth of a lobster are in its stomach and I'm told that the llamas have a special set of fighting teeth used to bite off other llamas testicles which is a pretty dirty way of fighting for a Tibetan monk Henny the one with the tooth on your tongue no Lloyd the special testicle

biting teeth correct Correct. Yes. Adult llamas have a set of six sharp fighting teeth. They can rip all the way down to the bone and have been used to castrate other males. That was my worst ever visit to a petting zoo. You have statistically a 36% chance of forgetting your toothbrush when you go on holiday. This was a problem from Valentina Tereshkova, the first woman in space who forgot her toothbrush

and had to make do with a small hairbrush and a tube of concentrated peppermint-flavoured creme fraiche. Lloyd. Did the first woman in space forget her toothbrush? You're absolutely right. It's a little bit in there. Lloyd did the first woman in space forget her toothbrush you're absolutely right Yes, it's not psychic I think Lloyd psychic I think if he was psychic he'd be getting more right Anyway, that's the end of Zoe's lecture At the end of that round Zoe you've managed to smuggle one truth,

which is that the teeth of a lobster are in its stomach. And that means you've scored one point. In the 18th century, an English dentist pulled out a tooth by tying it to a piece of cat gut, attaching that to a bullet and firing the bullet from a gun. And hey presto, one cured toothache and one dead receptionist. It's now the turn

of Lloyd Langford. Lloyd won Celebrity Mastermind with the specialist subject of blues legend Robert Johnson. An obscure entertainer not widely known in the UK, Lloyd is a stand-up comedian. not widely known in the UK, Lloyd is a stand-up comedian. Your subject, Lloyd, is ants,

very small industrial insects that live underground in large colonies. Off you go, Lloyd. The largest collection of ants in the world is housed at Penn State University's Department of Bugs and Shit. The second largest is currently surrounding a dropped calippo on Skegness Promenade. A person that studies ants is known as a loser. Ants are found on every continent on Earth. An average size...

Oh. Zoe. I was going to say, it's not true, because you wouldn't have the one on Antarctica. Antarctica! Yeah. Ah! As you have rightly concluded,

there are no ants on Antarctica, despite the name. Yeah. So this is a little mantra. All together now. There are no ants on Antarctica despite the name. Cheers. Cheers. And from now on, we can call all the other continents Unicornica.

Lloyd. An average-sized colony of 344,000 ants has roughly the same brain power as a human being, though I speak from bitter experience that you shouldn't let one replace you at your driving theory test. The largest... Henning. Is there on average 340,000 of them in a colony? There is, yes.

And more than that, it has roughly the same brain power as a human being. So you get the point. Well done. The largest known ant is Ant McPartlin. Ha! A boleyn ant can live for two weeks without its head. Derry. I like to think there are ants that can live without their heads.

Well, there is no such thing as a boleyn ant, so that's not true. I don't know if others can live without their heads. You'd hear about them, don't you, to grow another one? I think in growing another one terms, the head's the difficult thing, isn't it? Probably. Worms can, can't they? It's a myth. Yeah, because I tried it a few times.

You don't get two worms, you get no worms. Oh, what, if you pull a worm in half? If you cut a worm in half, you get no... I know that's true of dogs, but I'm not trying to... Answer like bus drivers. They always wave to one another as they pass. No. That's true.

It's not true. No, they don't. They don't travel much. You're not going to say, oh, I haven't seen you. So you're not saying hello to your neighbours then? No, I was in London. Everyone goes, oh, rude bastard moved in there. I don't say hello.

People in London don't say hello to each other. That doesn't work at all. Nothing would get done Imagine that Oxford Street every morning morning morning be deafening Unfriendliness is the key to cohabitation And I you know And I include within a marriage. Ants will not cross a chalk line, which is the main reason that they will never truly excel at tennis.

Lou. Now, I do think the chalk line is true, because you know how salt and slugs chalk an ants, yeah? You're absolutely right. Salt and slugs chalk an ants. Yeah. Antelope is what young ants slags, chalk and ants. Yeah. Antelope is what young ants do if they can't get permission to marry. A tropical ant, taste of pineapple, can snap its jaws together at a speed of 233.36 kilometres an hour and also secretes a toxin it uses to drug and control tree frogs.

Zoe. I'm going to go for the snappy jaw thing. You're absolutely right. Yes, the tropical trapdoor ant closes its mandibles at speeds of up to 145 miles per hour, which biologists believe is the fastest self-powered predatory strike in the animal kingdom. In 1999, Joan Murray was skydiving in North Carolina

when her parachute failed to open and she crash-landed on a mound of stinging fire ants. Their stings kept her heart beating and saved her life. She was found shortly afterwards by a bear. Henning. There was some incident where someone with a parachute fell into some pile of animals and then they were stung and that way kept him alive. I think you might be remembering this very incident, Henning, because this is true. Yes, when both of American Joan Murray's parachutes failed to open during a skydiving jump in 1999,

she crash-landed at a speed of 80 miles an hour into a nest of more than 250,000 fire ants, nearly all of which attacked and bit her. Each toxin-filled bite causes near-instant pain. When she was rushed to hospital, doctors determined that the repeated stings had actually shocked her heartbeat and stimulated her nerves, keeping her organs functioning

long enough to keep her alive and had therefore ultimately saved her life. What a day. Yes. Adamant's real name is Stuart Wasp. Alien Ant Farm singer Dryden Mitchell claimed he could only get his vocals right for his new album

by sprinkling K.N. Pepper on his testicles. Listening to the album itself induces an identical sensation. Thank you, Lloyd. Thank you, Lloyd. And at the end of that round, Lloyd, you've managed to smuggle one truth past the rest of the panel, which is that Alien Ant Farm singer Dryden

Mitchell claimed he could only get his vocals right for his new album by sprinkling cayenne pepper on his testicles. And that means, Lloyd, you've scored one point. A survey found that six out of ten people don't know which one is which out of Ant and Deck. Well, Deck is the one on the right,

and Ant is the one undergoing treatment for alcoholism. Which brings us to the final scores. In fourth place, with minus four points, we have Henning Vein. In third place, with minus two points, it's Zoe Lyons. In second place, with minus one point, it's Lou Sanders. And in first place, with an unassailable five points is this week's winner Lloyd Langford that's about it for this week goodbye the unbelievable truth is devised by John

Mason and Graham garden featured David Mitchell in the chair with panelists so lines the bankers new Sanders and any day the chairman script was written by Thank you.