The Unbelievable Truth - 21x05 Nuts, Birds, Urine, Traditions

Episode Date: February 18, 2022

21x05 21 January 2019 Richard Osman, Holly Walsh, Susan Calman, David O'Doherty Nuts, Birds, Urine, Traditions

We present The Unbelievable Truth, the panel game built on truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. Hello and welcome to The Unbelievable Truth, the panel show about incredible truths and barely credible lies. I'm David Mitchell. And thanks to a new broadcasting mast, we can now be heard as far away as the Channel Islands. So a special message for any listeners in Guernsey, come back and pay some tax. Please welcome Richard Osman, David O'Doherty, Holly Walsh and Susan Calman.

The rules are as follows. Each panelist will present a short lecture that should be entirely false save for five hidden truths which their opponent should try to identify. Points are scored by truths that go unnoticed while other panellists can win points if they spot a truth, or lose points if they mistake a lie for a truth. First up is Richard Osman. Richard, your subject is nuts. Dry fruit consisting of usually edible seed kernels enclosed in inedible hard shells. Off you go, Richard. Fingers on buzzers, the rest of you.

To start this lecture, I took a bag and I stuffed it full of every type of nut I could think of. Join me now, if you will, on a magical journey as I rummage through my bulging nut sack. What's first? Ah, it's a peanut. A peanut is a type of nut. Holly. I just got so confused with the rules because I realised a peanut isn't a type of nut.

So you're withdrawing your buzz. I withdraw my buzz. You're right to withdraw it because apparently a peanut is not a type of nut. It's a legume, like a pea, but it grows underground. And, you know, I just want to say, I've gone on the record with this before, I hate this shit.

The fact that half of the things that are nuts aren't nuts and half of the things that are fruits and vegetables and this, that and the other. As if the way we refer to things and the way we cook them is irrelevant. And the biologists have all the say. They've got Latin, haven't they? The people

who classify these things have got Latin. They can do what they like with Latin. By all means say that a peanut is not a nutus. But don't tell me it's not a nut. It is a nut. It's a major nut. Go into a pub and say, have you got any nuts? Yeah, we've got peanuts. No, you haven't. You've got legumes.

Anyway, I'm going to leave it there. But it is botanically correct that a peanut is not a nut. Can I go on record as saying something as well? Go on. You are going to hate the rest of this lecture. I know over 1,000 facts about peanuts. For example, peanut butter rarely contains peanuts. Rather, it is usually made from cashews.

I mean, this is entirely irrelevant to your subject of nuts. I don't know why you're going on about this legume. Susan. I think peanut butter doesn't necessarily have peanuts in it. It's got cashews in it. No. You're thinking of cashew butter. Which you can get,

apparently, 280 a jar from Sainsbury's. Cashew nuts are technically mammals. I've always said, with the unbelievable truth, you need to break it right down to the legumes and bolts of the idea. Oh dear. I'll tell you what, it's not getting better. Are you ready? Yeah. Okay. The cashew is another type of nut. Holly. I think a cashew is definitely a nut.

It isn't. It isn't a nut. What on earth made you think a cashew is a nut? I don't understand it. A cashew is the seed of the cashew fruit. fruit. When you make butter out of nuts, you call it nutter. The Dutch word for peanuts is mavoomnoes, which means my uncle's nuts.

The advert where a peanut M&M provocatively undressed was banned on Dutch television. The Dutch call peanut butter peanut cheese. Holly? I mean, I'm going to guess that's true. The sexy M&M. The Dutch call peanut butter peanut cheese. Holly? I mean, I'm going to guess that's true. The sexy M&M. The sexy M&M undressed. Banned on Dutch television. It was not banned on Dutch

television. Susan? Peanut cheese. Correct. Yes! Yes, in the Netherlands peanut butter is called pindekas, which literally translates as peanut cheese. So are you saying that in Holland, peanut butter is neither nutindakas, which literally translates as peanut cheese. So are you saying that in Holland, peanut butter is neither nut nor butter? Everywhere, peanut butter is neither nut nor butter.

What it is, is legumes ground to a slime. The trouble is, if you take the nut and the butter away, it's just called pea and no one wants to a slime. The trouble is, if you take the nut and the butter away, it's just called pee, and no one wants to eat it. In Roman times, the flower of the cashew nut was widely believed to be the cause of the common cold. And that is why, even now,

we say cashew when we sneeze. Back to my nut sack, and what do we find next? A pistachio nut nut the pistachio nut is a type of nut Holly I don't know why you're doing it to yourself is it true no No, the pistachio nut is a member of the cashew family, and so a pistachio is a seed. It's just a seed. Ireland's climate is ideal for growing coconuts. Coconuts are another type of nut.

I think Ireland's climate is good for growing coconuts because there's a gulf stream. There's a gulf stream and you can grow coconuts in Ireland. You may be able to, but it's certainly not ideal for growing coconuts. Well, can you grow a coconut in Ireland? Well, yes, obviously you could in a greenhouse. Yes, so therefore it is an ideal place to grow a coconut? I would take issue with your definition of ideal as meaning just about possible. Okay, fine. A coconut is enough.

A coconut is enough. You're going for that as well? Yes. I can't believe this. Of course it isn't. I don't know. It's a droop or stone fruit. There is a pattern emerging, I would say. Yeah, but one of the things about

this game is the pattern means that there will be one that you've snuggled through. And it's worth losing those 12 points. Wow. In the olden days, some members of the Irish church believed that geese were actually nuts, which grew on trees.

I think the people used to believe that geese came from nuts. Yes, they did. Yeah! The belief was that the geese first developed inside nut shells hanging from trees along seashores, then the nuts fell into the sea and became shellfish, and finally the geese hatched from barnacles. The legend persisted until the end of the 18th century,

and in County Kerry until relatively recently, Catholics could eat this bird on a Friday because it counted as fish. Time to give my nutsack some attention again, and what do we have here? Ah, a walnut. The walnut was invented... David, you just buzzed after the phrase, are a walnut. You can't buzz in on a thing that you think he's about to say.

Well, you can. You could say the next thing is true. The next thing is true. Don't let me down, Richard. Carry on. The walnut was invented by a Japanese nutcracker company in a bid to increase demand. I'm afraid to tell you that isn't true. Leonardo da Vinci once invented a horse-powered nutcracker,

an early incarnation of the Supremes were called the Nutcrackers, and MC Hammer has a phobia of Nutcrackers. Susan. MC Hammer has a phobia of Nutcrackers. Two. MC Hammer has a phobia of Nutcrackers. He doesn't. Richard. OK, time to empty my nutsack. Brazil nuts.

I think that means MC Hammer can touch them. Continue. Can't touch them. Continue. Brazil nuts are a type of nut and were named after former Ipswich Town striker and Talk Sport breakfast show host, Alan Brazil. Holly. Brazil nuts are a type of nut. No. No. No, they're just a seed.

Just a seed. They're related to blueberries and cranberries and tea. Brazil nuts are related to cranberries. Yeah. I don't think they've kept in touch. Pine nuts are a type of nut. Holly. Are pine nuts a type of nut?

No. Named after jazz sex oftenist Courtney Pine. Almonds are a type of nut. Seed inside a droop. Horse chestnuts are a type of nut. Horse chestnut? No, seed. And finally, hazelnuts.

For the film Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, instead of using CGI, director Tim Burton trained 40 squirrels over ten months. I actually know this one to be completely true. He did train actual squirrels for Charlie and the Chocolate Factory rather than using CGI. I know that for a fact. That's a fact I read somewhere.

It's a fact. mainly because Susan auditioned for it but didn't get the part. You're right, Susan. It is a fact. mainly because Susan auditioned for it but didn't get the part. You're right, Susan, it is a fact. Yes, he had a team of eight handlers spend ten months training 40 squirrels to crack nuts for the scene. And amazingly, the hazelnut is not actually a nut at all. Holly, what are you saying is true? A hazelnut is not a nut. A hazelnut is a nut. So you have an absolute 100% record of not spotting nuts.

And that, I'm very sorry to say, is the end of Richard's lecture. And at the end of that round, Richard, you've managed to smuggle two truths past the rest of the panel, which are that when you make butter out of nuts, you call it nutter. And the second truth is that Leonardo da Vinci once invented a horse-powered nutcracker and that means Richard you scored two points most Brazil nuts come not from Brazil but from northern Bolivia sorry not Brazil nuts cocaine okay we turn now to Holly Walsh.

Holly grew up in Guildford, but she's still known the rough side of life. Growing up, her parents didn't even have a regular service plan for their agar. Holly, your subject is birds. Winged, egg-laying vertebrates, which typically have feathers and a beak. Off you go, Holly. Everything you thought you knew about birds is a lie. They shouldn't even be called birds. They were originally called Brits, but people kept saying it wrong and the name

stuck. Most birds can't even fly. The only ones that can are penguins, who refuse to do it when anyone's looking and... David. Most birds can't fly. In my recent survey of birds, over half couldn't fly. I'm afraid it was an unrepresentative survey. Weirdly, it turns out most couldn't fly. I'm afraid it was an unrepresentative survey.

Weirdly, it turns out most birds can fly. It's not always been like this. Early birds were great. They had four wings, a propeller, a rear gunner, and were flown around by men in goggles, like God intended. But modern birds are much shiftier because they're always up to no good. If you don't believe me,

it's all there in Alfred Hitchcock's brilliant film, Psycho. Birds once tried to stage a political coup in Westminster. They slowed the Big Ben clock down by several minutes so everyone missed Prime Minister's questions, but it backfired on them because it just cheered everyone up. David. Birds memorably once caused Big Ben to slow down. They did.

Yes. Yes. Because before the letters come in, we know Big Ben is actually the bell, but we're using it colloquially here to refer to the clock. And it lost four and a half minutes in August 1949 when a flock of starlings perched on the 4.3 metre long minute hand. When that didn't work work birds went on further and dropped a baguette in that large hadron collider to create a black hole that would

engulf the entire planet but luckily we just lost part of switzerland including most of an alp and that's not even the worst of them there's a type of kingfisher that only eats orphaned fish a magpie that voted for donald trump and a vampire bird that pecks holes in other birds and drinks their blood. Susan. Vampire birds. Correct. Yes. Yes, the bird is the vampire finch and it pecks boobies. Sorry. Did you just say boobies?

Turns out I'm extremely childish. Yes. They're boobies. It's the blue-footed boobie of the Galapagos Islands. Yeah, the blue-footed boobies are really, really nice. I was thinking of going on a cruise to see the blue-footed boobies. It's the blue-footed boobie of the Galapagos Islands. Yeah, the blue-footed boobies are really, really nice. I was thinking of going on a cruise to see the blue-footed boobies. Well, you might spot a vampire finch pecking a hole in one and drinking its blood.

David? There's a kingfisher that only eats orphan fish, waits till the fish's parents are dead and then dives in to take out the... Please? No. Well, maybe we... Richard?

I think the kingfisher is a type of nut. I think it must be a seed. But the worst bird that ever existed is Big Bird from Sesame Street, who, 45 years ago, swallowed a fully grown human man and has been keeping him alive inside him ever since. So that only leaves me to answer the most important question on the topic. Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?

It's because you've got crumbs in your hair. And that's all you need to know about Brids. Thank you, Holly. And at the end of that round, Holly, you've managed to smuggle three truths past the rest of the panel, potentially reclaiming up to 10% of your losses from the previous round. And those truths are that birds were originally called Brids, but people kept saying it wrong.

Similarly, wasp was once wops and horse once Ross both words were mispronounced into common usage the second truth is that early birds had four wings fossil finds show that some of the earliest bird species had four wings rather than two and the third truth is that a bird dropped a baguette into the Large Hadron Collider. It had to be turned off after a piece of baguette landed in the equipment on the surface above the accelerator ring. You know that bit, the surface above the accelerator ring. It was just there the baguette landed.

And that means, Holly, you've scored three points. In the Pacific island of Nauru, the national sport is lassoing flying birds. The all-time record is none. Next up is Susan Kalman. In 2017, Susan was voted TV Star of the Year by readers of the Radio Times. If that sort of thing is important to you, it isn't to me. As I said in the speech I gave on picking up my bafta susan your subject is urine liquid liquid waste material secreted by the kidneys and

discharged from the body via the urethra. Off you go, Susan. Urine. The other day, when I was auditioning for the part of Harvey in the new Cagney and Lacey musical, the producer handed me a glass of Sauvignon Blanc. He had Chateauneuf-du-Pape because he was a man. I took a sip of my tepid liquid and shuddered. I blurted out, it smells like my cat Muppet's litter tree.

But the producer took it as a compliment. He offered me a cigarette saying it's flavoured with urea for mellow sexiness, but I preferred my vape. He said to me, Susan, why do you have tomcat urine in a jar around your neck? I said, because it's a rich source of collagen, smells like cheddar cheese and glows in the dark, showing my face in a flattering light. Richard.

I mean, a lot to unpack there. Please don't unpack it. Does Tomcat urine glow in the dark? It doesn't. Is it a rich source of collagen, Tomcat pee? Give it to Buzz. It isn't. Men are 20 times more likely to become aroused when they can smell urine.

Ask Kevin off strictly. Public swimming pools in France are called piscines because the average pool contains enough urine to fill a dustbin. In fact, at... Richard. Well, they are called piscines, aren't they? Public swimming baths. Well, yes, but that wasn't to what Susan asserted. She asserted they're called Piscine

because the average swimming pool contains enough urine to fill a dustbin. Would you like to go with that being true? Yeah, go on. That was fairly leading, David. That was fairly leading. Well, I'm sorry if that was leading, Susan. No, that's fine. We're all friends. It is. Well, I'm sorry if that was leading, Susan. No, it's fine. We're all friends.

It is... Well... It is true. In 2017, scientists in Canada found, on average, over a three-week period, swimmers released 75 litres of urine into an average-sized pool, enough to fill a 75-litre dustbin. The eight hot tubs they tested had far higher levels. In one case, three times the level of the worst-affected swimming pool.

In fact, at Le Bain d'Or in Marseille, they have a dustbin on the site especially for swimmers to relieve themselves into, and when it's full, they tip it into the pool. In ancient Rome, the urinators were a respected guild who kept the army's stockpile of urine topped up and also held the rights to urinate in the River Tiber. Holly. I think that the urinators were allowed to pee in the river.

Correct. Well done. Yes. But none of this means what it sounds like it means, because according to Dr. Johnson's dictionary, a urinator is a diver, or one who searches underwater. The word derives from the Latin urinare, meaning to dive beneath the water. In ancient Rome, the urinators, or urinatores,

were an important guild who would dive into harbors to retrieve goods that had fallen overboard or merchandise thrown into the sea to lighten a ship's load during storms. And it was this guild that held the right to dive into the River Tiber for this purpose. I once saw the urinators supporting the Libertines. Alchemists in the Middle Ages believed they could make the elixir of life with a mixture of horse urine, chicken legs and vinegar. It wasn't until 700 years later that a dozen more secret herbs and spices

were added by Colonel Sanders to make it finger-licking good. David. I'm an expert on this, so don't question me, but alchemists believed they'd made the elixir of life from chickens and wee. No, they didn't. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to apply some urine behind my ears. I have a date tonight. Thank you, Susan.

Right, at the end of that round, Susan, you've managed to smuggle three truths past the rest of the panel, which are that the Sauvignon Blanc wine smells like your cat Muppet's litter tray. The Sauvignon Blanc grape variety, best known as the grape of Sancerre and Pouy Fumé in the Loire, and as the source of the ultra-aromatic Montbreux Sauvignons of New Zealand, is often complimented amongst wine connoisseurs

for its cat pee and gooseberry aromas. One New Zealand company even launched a wine labelled cat's pee on a gooseberry bush. The second truth is that cigarettes are flavoured with urea, the main ingredient in urine, to enhance their flavour. And the third truth is that Tomcat urine smells like cheddar cheese. 2-mercapto-2-methylpentan-4-1. The chemical found in Tomcat urine is also found in cheddar. Delicious. And that means, Susan, you've scored three points.

It's now the turn of David O'Doherty. David is currently touring his new show, You Have To Laugh, and he's finding out that on some nights, you don't. Your subject, David, is traditions, long-established customs or beliefs that have been passed on from one generation to another. Off you go, David. All swans in Norway belong to the pop group A-ha,

and they are the only Norwegians allowed to eat them. It's not uncommon on a trip to Oslo to see Morten, Pal or Mags thrashing around in a fjord, hunting high and low to take on their dinner. Norway has more unusual dining habits than any other Scandinavian country, bar four. Soup is always enjoyed at the end of a meal and meringue at the start. Sandwiches are eaten with a knife and fork. And make sure you never try fram, a raw delicacy consisting of a decomposing Greenland shark that's been left on the roof of a pub for the summer.

Susan. The only reason I'm focusing on the shark issue is that I went to Iceland, I was for a television show and they gave me the shark and I was instantly sick. All over everyone as soon as it so I think it's the shark thing. The shark thing I'm afraid is not true.

There is an Icelandic dish which is fermented shark, hakarl, but there's no Norwegian tradition of leaving Greenland sharks on the roof of a pub. Right. Although there's definitely clearly an allusion to that disgusting dish. Richard. Do they eat sandwiches with a knife and fork, David?

They do eat sandwiches. Oh! Yes. Greenland shark has a taste reminiscent of kissing a cat, which, funnily enough, along with punching a dog, was a medieval tradition to bring good luck. Birthday traditions are exactly the same the whole world over, except in Andorra, where you can't make your wish

till you've blown out and then eaten all of your birthday candles, whereas in Mexico, you get your face violently squished into your cake as you take your first bite. Holly. I think you have to put your face into your cake as your first bite if it's your Mexican birthday. Correct. Yeah.

It should be noted, it says here, that Mexican birthday cakes are particularly creamy. However, the tradition of shooting guns in the air to celebrate Christmas in Guatemala has been clamped down on as between five and ten people were being killed or injured each December by falling bullets. Holly? That has to be true. That is true. Yes, yes. Yes, in December 2001, police in Guatemala called on revelers not to fire pistols in the air as part of their Christmas celebrations, as in past years several people had died when stray bullets fell on their heads. Children on the Ivory Coast don't welcome the tooth fairy, but dread the nighttime visit of Robson, the tooth-crunching terror zombie. The trauma preceding Robson's arrival may explain why Ivorian children keep their milk teeth for a year longer than any other nation

and have such extraordinarily good dental hygiene. Susan. Keeping milk teeth. Keeping milk teeth. That wouldn't be a tradition. Keeping milk teeth. Keeping milk teeth. Keeping milk teeth.

I'm starting to relax. No, they don't keep milk teeth. Because that wouldn't be a tradition. You couldn't say, oh, I keep my teeth for another year traditionally. I don't know. Have you tried? It's like, I'm not going to let them out. You can keep them in an extra year. You know, going around, tight-lipped,

then suddenly, plink, damn it. Robson doesn't make it to Greece, where teeth are tossed up on the roof of a house to bring good luck and to presumably impede the progress of Greek Santa Claus, known as Cardinal Monty. Susan. Teeth on the roof.

Teeth on the roof is right. Yes. Yes. Teeth on the roof. Teeth on the roof is right. Yes. Yes. Yes, children in Greece are taught to toss their baby teeth onto the roof of their home to bring good luck and a healthy replacement tooth. Columbia's most expensive coffee, Shakira Chino, is made from coffee beans that have travelled through the digestive tract of the singer Shakira. It's a process similar to England's Brian May latte. Sadly in America the Barry Flatt White is no longer available. Thank you.

Thank you David. And at the end of that round you've managed to smuggle one truth past the rest of the panel, which is that kissing a cat was a medieval tradition to bring good luck. During the early 16th century, visitors to English homes in England were expected to greet the family cat with a kiss to bring good luck. And that means you've scored one point. Which brings us to the final scores. In fourth place, with minus six points, we have Holly Walsh.

In joint second place, with minus four points each, it's Susan Calman and David O'Doherty. And in first place, with an unassailable one point, it's this week's winner, Richard Osman. That's about it for this week. Goodbye. The Unbelievable Truth was devised by John Nesmith and Graham Gardner and featured David Mitchell in the chair with panellists David O'Doherty, Susan Kalman,

Holly Walsh and Richard Osman. The chairman's script was written by Dan Gaster and Colin Swash and the producer was John Nesmith. It was a random production for BBC Radio 4. And you can download The Unbelievable Truth to listen to it.