The Unbelievable Truth - 21x06 Houses of Parliament, Wolves, Trains, Punishments

Episode Date: February 18, 2022

21x06 28 January 2019 Henning Wehn, Lou Sanders, Zoe Lyons, Lloyd Langford Houses of Parliament, Wolves, Trains, Punishments

We present The Unbelievable Truth, the panel game built on truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. please welcome David Mitchell. Hello and welcome to The Unbelievable Truth, the panel show about incredible truths and fairly credible lies. I'm David Mitchell. As always, our panellists are ready to find the trotter of truth in the economy pork sausage of lies. Please welcome Lloyd Langford, Zoe Lyons, Lou Sanders and Henning Vane. The rules are as follows.

Each panellist will present a short lecture that should be entirely false, save for five hidden truths which their opponents should try to identify. Points are scored by truths that go unnoticed, while other panellists can win points if they spot a truth or lose points if they mistake a lie for a truth. First up is Henning Vane. Henning, your subject is the houses of Parliament also known as the Palace of Westminster In which the House of Commons and the House of Lords assemble off you go Henning fingers on buzzers the rest of you Parliament

Was invented by Jesus Bruce Forsyth was the first speaker of the house Who would end each session with, Didn't they do well? A practice that was discontinued when Larry Grayson replaced him in 1487. From the Grayson era, we have the practice of shouting, Shut that door, when Black Rod approaches the House of Commons. Several features still remain from the Jesus days.

Every sitting starts with prayers and there is a bishop's bar that caters exclusively to bishops. Zoe. I think there might be a bishop's bar. There is a bishop's bar. Oh. Yeah. Lovely. It doesn't cater exclusively to bishops,

but it does cater exclusively to members of the House of Lords, both spiritual and temporal. MPs are not allowed to reserve seats in the House of Commons, so cameras are not switched on until the scramble for a place is over, which is a real shame as nothing beats witnessing the daily punch-ups over who is allowed to sit on the backbench and who has to lend support to the government. Lloyd. Is it right that they're not allowed to sit on the back bench and who has to lend support to the government. Lloyd.

Is it right that they're not allowed to reserve seats? No, they can reserve seats using prayer cards. Not beach towels. No, that is the German Bundeskanzler. In 1462, it was decided that MPs should have to represent an actual place in Britain. Before that, MPs only had to represent an idea, like Big Pharma or Fringe Theatre.

Lloyd. Is it true that in 1462 they were given constituencies? No, that was in 1386. Schoolboy era. I would like to be like an assistant to one of them for a few months. Really? You want to be an assistant to a politician? Yeah, I just want to see how it all goes and then, like... All the running down corridors and saying, Minister...

I think it would be absolutely sensational. I hope you do it and make a documentary about it at the same time. I mean, I wouldn't work for Glasgow Rangers, or the DUP, as they're known, so I wouldn't get involved with them. I just don't mind their jock outfit, their SMP, or your lot, their... Plaid Cymru. Yeah, so even that, I probably wouldn't understand a word

of what they're on about, but... I think you'd be a great assistant to a Plaid Cymru MP, because people would probably just assume you were speaking Welsh. Yeah. Well, traditionally, Parliament is infallible. However, it's generally admitted that the one time they got it wrong was during the financial crisis, when Parliament foolishly rejected a resolution

that bankers be sawn into sacks and thrown alive into the Thames. A display of emotion is frowned on in the House. In 1423, King Henry VI was about to make his first visit to Parliament when he burst into tears and had to be carried home And who can forget Samuel Plimsoll who broke down in tears when they finally passed his bill to get very thin, laceless trainers onto the feet of schoolchildren We've had the evil chef Robin Cook thin, laceless trainers onto the feet of schoolchildren.

We've had the evil chef Robin Cook and the exhibitionist bear carrier Gail Porter, who personally projected her naked image onto the lower house to disrupt the debate on public indecency. Lou. Gail thingy did have her body projected onto the side of the building. Yeah, that's not what he said, though. He's a slippery one. He says things that are near a true thing,, that's not what he said, though. He's a slippery one. He says things that are near a true thing,

but that's not what he actually said. He said Gayle Porter personally projected her naked image onto the lower house to disrupt a debate on public indecency, when in fact her naked image was projected onto the outside of Parliament as a publicity stunt for FHM magazine. Ah. And it was before the internet as well,

so, like, the South Bank was carnage. 500,000 teenage boys. Yeah. Had a terrible day the next morning at the Thames Barrier. I bet there was more than one Big Ben that night. Parliament has always been infiltrated by spies and undercover agents. It was only recently that KGB operatives were forbidden to clean the toilets. Lou, what do you think is true?

The KGB forbidden to clean the toilets. You're absolutely right. Yes! Lou, what do you think is true? The KGB forbids the cleaners' toilets. You're absolutely right. Yes! Not necessarily in the way you think. But the truth is that Kevin and Gina Brown's cleaning firm, KGB Cleaning, after their initials, held a contract with the Houses of Parliament until 2010, when it was discovered that they were employing illegal immigrants as cleaners. The cleaners would have enjoyed unchecked access to the offices of MPs

and senior government ministers, including the Prime Minister. So it was only recently that the KGB operatives were forbidden to clean the toilets. And on that bombshell, I hand you back to the Speaker. Thank you, Henning. bombshell I hand you back to the speaker thank you Henning and at the end of that round Henning you've managed to smuggle three truths past the rest of the panel which are that the day starts with prayers prayers have been said at the start of sittings in both the House of Lords and the House of Commons since 1567 members pray for the well-being of the royal family

and for guidance and wisdom from above. Attendance is voluntary. The second truth is that during the financial crisis, Parliament foolishly rejected a resolution that bankers be sewn into sacks and thrown alive into the Thames. This was the financial crisis of 1720, after the bursting of the South Sea bubble, when a resolution to do that thing was put forward by Viscount Molesworth,

who had lost a lot of money in the South Sea bubble. And the third truth is that in 1423, King Henry VI was about to make his first visit to Parliament when he burst into tears and had to be carried home. He was aged just less than two. And that means, Henning, you've scored three points. When the Queen attends the opening of Parliament, an MP is ceremonially held hostage at Buckingham Palace

to ensure that the monarch isn't kidnapped by any treasonous MPs. At least that's what they tell Michael Gove as they tie him up and put him in the boot of a car for a day. OK, we turn now to Lou Sanders. Lou, your subject is wolves, large predatory canids which typically live and hunt in packs. Off you go, Lou. In the film, Dancers With Wolves,

they received a high number of complaints because there were no dancing wolves until about halfway through. Henning. I never had three points after any of my lectures. I really don't know how to play this now. I could just sit back, do nothing for the rest of the recording, hope that has enough to win it. I think that's what I'm going to do.

Yes. Would you rate any three points enough to win it? It should be enough, shouldn't it? This is stuff you should just be doing in your brain. OK, well, thanks for keeping us in the loop now. If you don't hear nothing of me for the rest of the game, that is a conscious decision. OK, fine.

It's folklore that if you waggle a bit of sage at a wolf, they'll go into a trance. One Norwegian boy escaped from wolves by blaring out some Megadeth to them, and a woman in France shouted the Lord's Prayer at a pack of wolves until they packed it in, and by that I mean they retreated. Henning. Loud music, that might be enough to scare them off.

You're absolutely right. When 13-year-old Walter Aker encountered a group of four wolves on his way back from school, he took out his mobile phone and played a song by Megadeth at full volume. On hearing the music, it said that the animals immediately scattered. But now four points really is enough to sit back.

And in case you're thinking it's all danger, danger, danger with wolves, there's a wolfman who lives with 29 wild wolves, and he's now the alpha male of the pack. What you might not know is that wolves are very good at poker because they hide their emotions quite well, and they do generally have a sense of the pack. What you might not know is that wolves are very good at poker because they hide their emotions quite well and they do generally have a sense of fair play. Lloyd, is there a bloke that lives with 29 wolves? Shut up Lloyd. Yes there is indeed. Yes he's a 86 year old Werner Freund, a former German paratrooper who spent the last 46 years living with 29 wolves in the Werner Freund Wolf Park.

He's known as Wolfman, and his wife Erica is known as... That's right, Mrs. Wolfman. I thought you were going to say his wife Erica is known as Imaginary. In other news, and these are just some quick wolf facts for the wolf fans, one man invented a golf course for wolves, and the world's longest treadmill was actually built for wolves as well. They did eat wolf burgers in China, but then they stopped, maybe because the meat was tough,

or maybe because they thought wolves were cutie pies because they run on tiptoes. Lloyd. I mean, I'm already regretting this. Do they run on tiptoes. Lloyd. I mean, I'm already regretting this. Do they run on tiptoes? They do. Yes. And finally, something we all know if we're really honest with ourselves, a dog is just a wolf who didn't do the exams.

Thank you, Lou. Thank you. And at the end of that round, Lou, you've managed to smuggle two truths past the rest of the panel, which are that wolves generally have a good sense of fair play, or as scientists have dubbed it, a sensitivity to inequity. The second truth is that the world's longest treadmill was actually built for wolves. Researchers at the Wolf Science Centre in Austria constructed a

seven-foot-wide, 30-foot-long treadmill for the wolves in order to study how the animals cooperate and coordinate when they're on a hunt together. And that means, Lou, you've scored two points. In America's Wild West, Jack Abernathy was famous for taming wild wolves by shoving his hand in a wolf's mouth and pinning it down until it became docile Thanks to this trick. He became known as catch him alive Jack and as his powers began to diminish lefty a Pack of wolves is led by the group's leading sexual predator much like a pack of cubs. Next up is Zoe Lyons. Zoe, your subject is the train, a form of transport consisting of connected vehicles that run along a railway track carrying cargo or passengers. Off you go, Zoe.

In the UK, the leaf has proved to be the arch nemesis of trains, but we are looking into following examples from other parts of the world where, for example, in Africa, elephants have been trained to blow leaves from the tracks with their trunks. In the Netherlands, Dutch trains have laser cannons to fire leaves off the line, and in Lichtenstein, there is one man who has the job of counting the leaves on the tracks every morning. If there are more than 10 to the kilometre, another man is sent out to pick them up. When trains were introduced into the USA, giving up a seat for a lady on a train

wasn't just an act of gallantry, it was a matter of health and safety, because it was believed that women's bodies were not designed to go at 50 miles an hour. So, having given up their seats, the men would retire behind a reinforced screen in the guards van to avoid the uteruses that would fly out of women's bodies as the train accelerated. Lloyd? It strikes me that that was a sort of common belief belief that you couldn't get a woman over 49. Isn't that Trump's policy?

You're absolutely right, Lloyd, yes. Early... Early critics of train travel warned, quote, that women's bodies were not designed to go at 50 miles an hour. They feared women's uteruses would fly out of their bodies as they were accelerated to that speed. You'd want to see it, though, wouldn't you? LAUGHTER

Items left on British trains last year include a six-foot-tall inflatable scorpion, a marzipan umbrella and a needlepoint portrait of Jermaine Greer. Lou. I think all of those are true. Or at least one of them. Which do you think is true? You can say each one of them, any two of them or all three of them. The first two.

The first two, no. Lloyd. I'll go for the third one no those of you who appreciate the symbolic nature of trains will not be surprised to hear that Sigmund Freud was terrified of traveling by train in case it suddenly plunged into a tunnel Lloyd was Freud afraid of trains he was Yes Sigmund Freud believed his own fear stemmed from a train journey taken with his family when he was three years old stemmed from a train journey taken with his family when he was three years old.

He recalled his sexual excitement on seeing his mother naked on the overnight train and of feeling frightened when the train pulled into a station at night, with the gaslights appearing to him as, quote, spirits burning in hell. I mean, he had something wrong with him, didn't he? That does sound very much like the last train back to Brighton on a Friday night, though. Naked women and bits of hell. They call it the Vomit Comet, and it's very aptly named. The British train network is not just a source of constant misery for the daily commuter.

It has also provided some horrific day trip options for the holiday maker. One of the earliest excursions organised by British Railway System was to see a public hanging in Bodmin Jail. Lloyd. Well, people used to go and watch hang-ins, right? So maybe I think that could be true. It is true. Yeah.

Wow! Henning's policy of silence is looking shaky. I have been. Tension's mounting. Maybe the old-fashioned idea of just thinking if the things might be true doesn't seem so foolish after all. One of the earliest excursions was organised to see a public hanging in Bodmin Jail. The trains were halted below the walls of the jail

so that 1,100 passengers could watch the execution of James and William Lightfoot on Monday, the 13th of April, 1840. In Victorian times, when the train was very much the tinder of the day, it was said that 10% of married upper-class couples had first met aboard a train. If public displays of affection aren't your cup of cocoa, however, then head for France, where it's illegal for a person to kiss another on the chemin de fer, or indeed, on the railway. Lou? I think that's true, about France. It is true about France, yeah. Yes, according to the Foreign and Commonwealth Office,

in France it is illegal to kiss on railways and illegal to take photos of police officers or vehicles, even if they're just in the background. Anyway, that's the end of Zoe's lecture. And at the end of that round, Zoe, you've managed to smuggle one truth past the rest of the panel, which is that Dutch trains have laser cannons to fire at leaves on the line. Oh. And that means, Zoe, you've scored one point. According to the OED, the word train dates back to the 14th century, and curiously, its original meaning was treachery, guile, deceit, trickery, prevarication.

Coincidentally, the motto of Govia Thameslink. It's now the turn of Lloyd Langford. Your subject, Lloyd, is punishments. Penalties inflicted as retribution for an offence or wrongdoing. Off you go, Lloyd. In the pilot for TV quiz show The Weakest Link, any contestant who failed to bank money

was also subjected to a powerful nipple cripple by host Anne Robinson. Famous British supporters of the death penalty include Anne Robinson, Holly Willoughby, Sue the Panda from The Sooty Show, Ken Bruce, Lisa Scott Lee from Steps, and Tim Henman, who believes it should apply instantly to anyone who shouts, Come on, Tim! Notorious punishments at Eton School involve webbing, being taken to the ceiling,

trawling, being dragged headfirst through the River Thames, and worst of all, slumming, being made to work in the public sector. Eric the Unstable was a Viking ruler from 937. After a prolonged period of drought, he fired an arrow vertically into the clouds as retribution. Sorry. I think the one from Steps believes in... LAUGHTER ..in the death penalty. This is some time ago.

I'm afraid it's too late to get the point. But does she? But she does. Oh, my God! Give us a point, because that's so rare that I buzzed in with the right ones. No, you waited ages. Lloyd had been talking for, like, another three minutes,

and you were sitting there thinking, I bet she does, I bet she does. I bet she does. Nasty woman. But he's so... Yes, that is true. Also, he's such a cutie pie. I don't want to interrupt him.

No, I'm sorry. My decision is final. That was such an unlikely thing to happen. It's real. So I think you should give Llew the point on that one. It's unusual of Henning not to be backing me up on these decisions. No, but I know it costs Lloyd a point, so... LAUGHTER

Did you know you can still be legally punished for putting human clothes on a dog, assembling with more than three Welshmen and handling salmon in suspicious circumstances. I'm going to have to change my holiday plan. Zoe. You can get done for handling

salmon in suspicious circumstances. You speak easy salmon, isn't it? If somebody's poached a salmon, and I don't mean in hot water, I mean... If they've poached a salmon not in hot water, they're in hot water for poaching the salmon mean in hot water. You see, if they've poached the salmon not in hot water, they're in hot water for poaching the salmon not in hot water. If you nick a salmon, you get in trouble.

So if you handle a salmon badly... I mean, not badly. I don't mean like a sort of selfish lover. I mean, if you're handling... If you're handling stolen salmon, you'll get done for it. You're right. Section 32 of the 1986 Salmon Act relates to, quote,

handling fish in suspicious circumstances and states that any person who receives or disposes of any salmon in circumstances where they believe the salmon has been illegally fished can receive up to two years imprisonment. I know this because my auntie used to get, doesn't matter. this because my auntie used to get doesn't matter she used to get angry what are we having for tea we're having shush salmon delicious shush salmon i wonder what uh Lisa from Steps thinks about the shush salmon. Eye for an eye. You should be poached along with what you've stolen.

Due to a typo at Miami Dade Prison in 1976, serial killer Norbert the Thin Man Watts was able to choose death by firing squid. able to choose death by firing squid. The embarrassed authorities complied and Watts was executed by having a half ton of calamari dropped on him. Aitken Waterman, the man who built the town stocks in Boston, Massachusetts, charged so much that he became the first man to be punished in them. The bell rung to mark the death of Ivan the Terrible's son,

Dmitry the Misunderstood, was tried for treason, found guilty, and exiled to Siberia. Alien-based pyramid scheme Scientology punishes any wayward adherents with a devious form of torture known as the Action Franchise. Transgressors are forced to star in and promote a seemingly infinite cycle of Hollywood blockbusters even if they are too old to do so. I have to say I enjoyed that game more when I was more involved.

There's no winning something isn't all it's made out to be really I don't know what to say No, but the rest of us have got a game to play Well, I wish you all good luck and Not too much luck, though. Repeat offender Tom Cruise will see his sentence finally end in 2057 with the release of Mission Impossible 37, Getting Up The Stairs. To eat an anguish pear was a French proverb meaning to be held captive. It comes from a torture device called the pear of anguish, which was a pear-shaped device that was inserted into a part of the body,

usually the vagina or anus, and gradually opened by turning the stem. Anne? Lou? I think that's true because I don't think that Lloyd would use the word vagina or anus willy-nilly. I went to see chimney or bumhole. They wouldn't let me. Well, those are much more erotic terms. You're absolutely right.

Those are much more erotic terms. You're absolutely right. The device was mostly used against women accused of being witches, but it was also used on men accused of homosexuality and in the mouths of those accused of being liars and blasphemers. Ooh, I hope after they washed it. I don't think you were in a position to insist at that point. Apart from anything else, no-one could understand what you were saying. Oh, well, that's just... Just take it from where you are.

LAUGHTER Yeah. Yeah. The anguished pair also inspired the famous UK advertising slogan, the man from Del Monte, he say, God, no, stop, I'll tell you everything. Thank you, Lloyd. And at the end of that round, Lloyd,

you've managed to smuggle three truths past the rest of the panel. The first... Not liking the sound of death, I have to be honest with you. Yeah, absolutely. The first truth is one that was subsequently, but too late, guessed by Lou, which is that Lisa Scott Lee from Steps wants to bring back the death penalty. The second truth is that the man who built the stocks in Boston, Massachusetts,

charged so much that he became the first man to be punished. And the third truth is that the bell rung to mark the death of Ivan the Terrible's son, Dimitri, was tried for treason, found guilty, and exiled to Siberia. And that means, Lloyd, Lloyd you scored three points a Georgic is a punishment that involves copying outlines in Latin and never mind all that. What's the final score? I Can't believe it I'll dock your point if you don't listen to me read out jokes first. Come on, this is all part of the tension. Oh, yeah, come on, please read.

In no particular order, blah, blah, blah, all that. Anyway, a Georgic is a punishment that involves copying out lines in Latin. It's long been dished out to pupils at Eton, though unfortunately David Cameron was never made to write a thousand times Idea imbicilicus referendum est. Which brings us to the final scores. Oh, this is exciting.

Now we're talking. In fourth place with minus four points, we have Lou Sanders. In third place, with minus one point, it's Zoe Lyons. And so we come to the decision. Is the best thing to do on this radio

programme to remain completely silent? Or does the policy of saying anything at all still work? In second place, with three points, it's Lloyd Langsworth. And in first place, with an unassailable four points, it's the winner of the last ever episode of The Unbelievable Truth,

Henning Vein. That's about it for this week. Goodbye. The Unbelievable Truth was devised by John Nesmith and Graham Gardner and featured David Mitchell in the chair, with panellists Zoe Lyons, Lloyd Langford, Lou Sanders and Henning Vein. The chairman's script was written by Dan Gaster and Colin Swash

and the producer was John Nesmith. It was a random production for BBC Radio 4.