The Unbelievable Truth - 22x01 Mice, Las Vegas, Beyoncé, Rubbish

Episode Date: February 19, 2022

22x01 1 April 2019 Richard Osman, Holly Walsh, Luisa Omielan, Jack Dee Mice, Las Vegas, Beyoncé, Rubbish

We present The Unbelievable Truth, the panel game built on truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. please welcome David Mitchell. Hello and welcome to The Unbelievable Truth, the panel show about incredible truths and barely credible lies. I'm David Mitchell. Please welcome Jack D, Louisa O'Millan, Holly Walsh and Richard Osman. The rules are as follows.

Each panelist will present a short lecture that should be entirely false, save for five hidden truths which their opponent should try to identify. Points are scored by truths that go unnoticed, while other panellists can win points if they spot a truth or lose points if they mistake a lie for a truth. First up is Richard Osman, known throughout the entertainment industry

as the Thinking Man's Alexander Armstrong Richard your subject is mice small furry rodents with pointed snouts elongated bodies and slender hairless tails off you go Richard fingers on buzzers the rest of you mice are man's greatest enemy tiny furry hand grenades of squeaky terror they They are fearsome and fearless warriors. Their hearts are bigger than the heart of a whale. Their sperm is bigger than the sperm of an elephant. And their teeth are sharper than an electric chainsaw. And also

come in rows of four, like Gillette Proglide Fusion Blades. The best a man can get. Holly. I'm going to go with teeth are sharper than a saw. Well, it was an electric chainsaw, which may be where you've fallen down. Why?

Because an electric chainsaw is incredibly sharp and can tail through anything. Yeah, but so can mice. So mice nibbled into a bag of flour I had. Well, no, it's true. It's hard to imagine a chainsaw making much of a job of that. No, I'm afraid they don't have teeth sharper than an electric chainsaw. Can I just say, I buzzed at that point as well, and I was going to say the same,

so thank you, Holly, for taking that for me. Mice have larger brains than human beings. Mice have more bones than human beings. Mice can jump higher than human beings. And, in fact, mice have won more Olympic decathlon titles than human beings Surely one of those is true It is no surprise that one of the collective nouns for mice is an army Other collective names for mice include a battalion, a squeal, a nuisance and an eek

Polly Oh it's got to be one of them A nuisance No Am I the only one who's bothering? Holly? Oh, it's got to be one of them. A nuisance. No. Am I the only one who's bothering here? I mean, to be fair, I'm bothering. And Jack claimed to have bothered earlier,

but we've only got his word for it. Maybe no-one else thinks these things are true, Holly. Right, yeah. And as it turns out, they weren't. Right. I did try and buzz at exactly the same time. A few more mouse facts for you. According to a recent survey, the most common reaction to seeing a mouse is to scream

and then immediately put your house on the market. Louisa? A common reaction to seeing a mouse is screaming. It's a fact. Well, I'm sure it's a common reaction, but it isn't the A common reaction is seeing a mouse screaming. It's a fact. Well, I'm sure it's a common reaction, but it isn't the most common reaction. What is then? That's pedantic, isn't it?

Yeah. This is quite a tedious game. The most common reaction, I think, is to get an electric chainsaw out and start doing this thing. The computer mouse was first invented by a man named Robert Catt. Louisa. I mean, that sounds ridiculous, so I'd say that is true.

It's not, unfortunately. No, the computer mouse was developed in the 60s by Douglas Engelbart and Bill English at Stanford University. I think it looks more like a soap on a rope than a mouse. Yeah. Or a tampon. Yes, it's amazing when you think about it that they didn't call it the tampon. A real missed opportunity, marketing-wise.

And now on to Mickey Mouse. Mickey Mouse is really hilarious, so funny. I can totally see why generations of fans adore him. But was it also innocent? Mickey and Minnie Mouse lived in sin for many years. Mickey often high on opium. Louisa. Oh, no, I take that back. No, well, they didn't because they both have the same surname.

What? They're both Mouse. That wasn't her maiden name. Oh, that bit, yeah. Sorry, I think I've missed a frame. No, she's talking about them living in sin. Yeah, they were married. They were married. But also, it's hardly a surprise that they got together, is it? I mean, if you were Mickey Mouse and walked into a room full of people, a party,

and there was Minnie Mouse, that would be the one you'd be surely attracted to. Well, that's someone I've got something in common with. Yeah. Yeah, that's what we're all looking for in life, is someone who looks identical but is wearing a bow. When Minnie finally left Mickey for another mouse in the 1930s, a distraught Mickey was driven to attempt suicide time and again. When they were finally reunited,

Minnie showed her renewed commitment by taking Mickey's surname, Mouse. Her maiden name was Chainsaw. Had to quickly add an extra joke there. To add to the romance, the man who voiced Mickey Mouse for 32 years married the woman who voiced Minnie Mouse for 27 years after they had both spoken very highly of each other. Jack?

Well, the romantic in me wants to believe that that's the truth, that the voice artists for both those characters did get together. Well, you're absolutely right. Oh, thank you. Yeah, that's it. The Mexican tooth fairy is called the Tooth Mouse, and if you ask for mouse blood in a Mexican bar, you will get a red wine and black currant drink.

So don't ask for it. I think the Mexican tooth fairy is the tooth mouse. You're right. Am I right? Yeah. And that's the end of Richard's lecture. And at the end of that round, Richard, you've managed to smuggle three truths past the rest of the panel,

which are that mice's sperm is bigger than elephants' sperm. Small fruit flies have the longest sperm ever observed, while elephants have smaller sperm than mice. How did they find that out? That's a quiet lunchtime, isn't it? I want to know, though, how you go about extracting sperm from a fruit fly. Yeah, I mean, it's a specialism, isn't it? They probably, those people, think,

how do they do those wonderful panel shows? How do they have no idea? All I do is I measure the length of fruit flies sperm The second truth is that mice have more bones than human beings You knew that yeah, that was one of the things I did know I should use that And the third truth is that when Minnie finally left Mickey for another mouse in the 1930s, a distraught Mickey was driven to attempt suicide time and again. Mickey tries to shoot himself, to jump off a high bridge,

and to asphyxiate himself with gas from his radiator. A Disney historian comments, the humour is likely to be lost on modern audiences. And that means, Richard, you've scored three points. The word for fear of mice is musophobia. Physical symptoms include sweating, palpitations and standing on a chair shouting Thomas in a slightly racist voice. Mickey Mouse was the first non-human to win an Oscar.

Singer Cher ranks next at 63% human. OK, we turn now to Holly Walsh. Holly, your subject is Las Vegas, a resort city located in the Nevada desert whose strip is famous for its casinos, nightlife, luxury hotels and shotgun weddings. Fingers on buzzers, everyone else. Off you go, Holly. You might think you know all about Vegas, at least the obvious stuff, like it being the world capital of horse dressage, caravan exhibitions, cathedral spotting,

as well as it being a great place to watch a nuclear test, pee in a roller coaster or take part in an orgy with four tourists who've mistaken one another for hookers. Richard. I'm caught between... It's the World Centre of Horse Dress Argy and you can see a nuclear test there. Let's go for a nuclear test. Correct.

Yes. During the 1950s, atomic bomb tests in the Nevada desert, just north of Las Vegas, were a major tourist attraction, with bus tours, beauty pageants, cocktails and star-studded parties organised in celebration. But most of the things you think you know about it are lies. For example, the famous Las Vegas Strip

isn't in an area of Las Vegas at all. It's actually a term for when you tuck so many notes into a dancer's G-string, you go bankrupt. And you can't actually gamble there anyway. It's illegal in Las Vegas to put money on a horse a card game or a small plinth Or take part in a lottery a spelling bee or use the phrase. Hey croupier. How many chips will you give me for my human arm? Illegal to take part in the lottery absolutely, right Is it illegal to take part in a lottery? Absolutely right.

Ironically, for a city renowned as the gambling centre of the world, lotteries are banned in Las Vegas. However, it's not out of prudishness, but simply due to lobbying by the casino industry, worried that lotteries might deprive them of income. Many a visitor to Las Vegas has remarked upon the famous display at the airport of a scale model of the Blackpool Tower, the reassuring posters of Nick Clegg,

and a pig in a nappy who goes by the name of Lonely Frank and is technically the ombudsman of the gambling industry. Some of the famous couples who've tied the knot in Old LV include Charlotte Church and that bloke who isn't the one you're thinking of, Barack and Michelle Obama, Kurt Russell and Goldie the Blue Peter Dog, and Richard and the original Judy. It's often remarked that in Las Vegas,

you're never more than three feet from a magician. It's got so bad that loads of locals live in underground tunnels just to avoid them, and only let people in after checking their pockets for silk hankies doves or siberian tigers and that's all you'll ever need to know about las vegas home of the greatest tv show of all time csi miami thank you holly at the end of that round holly you've managed to smuggle three truths past the rest of the panel, which are that the famous Las Vegas Strip isn't an area of Las Vegas at all. The Vegas Strip is located immediately south of Las Vegas city limits in the towns of Paradise and Winchester in Clark County.

The second truth is that posters of Nick Clegg were seen in Las Vegas airport. In 2017, several British tourists noticed an image of Nick Clegg featuring in a poster plastered throughout Las Vegas airport that apologised for ongoing maintenance work and assured passengers that upgrades were on the horizon. It transpired that the graphic artist responsible for the poster assumed the photo of Nick Clegg was a stock image and used it in error. The airport apologised, saying, we had no idea who he was.

And the third truth is that in Las Vegas, loads of locals live in underground tunnels. There is a labyrinth of storm flood tunnels under the Las Vegas Strip, which are home to about 1,000 homeless people. And that means, Holly, you've scored three points. APPLAUSE Next up is Louisa Omelan. Louisa's breakthrough stand-up show is entitled What Would Beyoncé Do?

It's a system that I very much live my own life by. Appropriately, Louisa, your subject is Beyoncé Knowles, the multi-platinum Grammy Award-winning singer, songwriter, record producer, dancer and actor who first came to prominence as lead singer of the all-girl group Destiny's Child. Off you go, Louisa. As a child, Beyonce's father would make her sing loudly in the forest, measuring her success by how many birds she frightened.

He would encourage her to sing while swimming, chopping wood, being chased by angry rabbits, running laps and boxing. Holly. I reckon he encouraged her to swim and sing. No. I thought it would be something to do with air in your lungs. Rather than water. Yeah.

Richard. Did he make her sing in a forest? No. That was a wasted buzz, wasn't it? Why don't you do one? No, because then I lose a point. Not if you get something right. There's something that's been right.

Yeah, there's got to be something right in that list. He's making her do something. No, I've... Don't you think? Yeah, he was quite pushy, famously, so there's definitely going to be something... So it's going to be one of those things. No, they're teasing me.

Come on. The thing is, you said Jack got three points early on and he's just sitting on them. Yeah. I'm keeping those to myself. I'll just do it and get it wrong, and then have to say that a big boy made me do it and ran away. Just fast-forward a moment to the end of the lecture

where David said, and Louisa smuggled five truths past it, and one of them would be something about the dad. And you'd be sitting there going, oh, man. I knew it. What were the facts again for that? That was the loveliest bullying I've ever seen in my life. He would make her sing loudly in the forest, measuring success by how many birds she frightened.

That one's definitely not that. Courage her to sing while swimming, chopping wood, being chased by angry dogs, running laps and boxing. Jack, you've let yourself down. I'm boxing. No. You've let yourself down. Boxing. No. Yeah. Not boxing. Not boxing.

Rich, this is absolute carnage. Rich, this... I'm going to say chopping wood. No, not chopping wood. I think Holly said chopping wood. No, I said chopping wood. Can I just get on with the thing? Because I've got a train to catch. So can we just... Fair enough. But, I mean, it was absolute carnage, that whole paragraph. Roedd olygad yn dweud bwysau. Felly, roedd olygad yn dweud bwysau. Allaf i ddod i fynd gyda'r peth, oherwydd mae gen i ddyn i'n traen i'ch cwrdd.

Felly, allaf i ddweud peth. Ond, mae'n iawn, roedd yn ymdrin iawn y parygraf hwnnw. Roeddech chi'n gwneud tua 100 pwynt. Yn ystod hynny, mae'r ddynion ei enw'n cael eu llwyddo mewn ystod y amser, ond mae'i enw'r fater ei gyntaf yn Beyonce, ac mae'i enw'i gweinid yn Beyonce, ac mae'i gynharach yn Beyonce. Cyn i ffam ddod i'r cyfarfod, roedd Beyonce'n cael llawer o swyddi gwael, gan gynnwys gwagio'r ochr, gwagio'r tynion, gwagio'r haen, ac yn enwol, fe wnaeth hi weithio am Beyonce. Before fame came calling, Beyonce had many menial jobs, including waxing backs, grouting tiles, sweeping hair, and famously, she worked for a couple of weeks as one of

Texas' only female priests. Richard. Sweeping hair. Is right. Ah. Beautiful. Yes, Beyonce earned pocket money sweeping floors at her mum's hair salon in Texas She even earned extra cash by singing for clients. I hate you when they talk to me let alone sing at me Yeah, and also she used to do it with her head down in a sink She did she sing like where'd you go on your holiday? It is unhappy It's like Beyonce was in the room I know I surprised myself with that I'm going to say that was more Nick Knowles than Beyonce Knowles

Louisa, you've got a train to catch Thank you In 2016, after releasing her album entitled Lemonade Sales of lemons across the world tripled. Target went on the record and had hashtag no lemons trending in the summer of 2016 as a result of Queen Bee's selling power. Jack.

I think that's true about the lemons selling a lot and maybe Target had that. They announced that there was no more lemons. No. I don't even know what Target is. What is it? It's a shop. Is it a it a shop yeah i didn't know what it was i just wanted to miss her train that is not true but after lemonade was released it is true that the sale of natural lemonade and lemonade tea doubled imagine if she'd call that album jack dcd

i wouldn't be here that's for sure beyonce has created over 30 different fragrances despite not actually having a sense of smell jack i think she has probably uh created 30 different fragrances she hasn't no no no i didn't say commercially. She might have just personally... LAUGHTER You're saying that over her life, she has generated...

She must have released a few in that time. Surely. She does one a year. I think it was very clear that that meant fragrances, as in perfumes that were marketed, not merely gaseous emissions or particularly fruity burps, of which we are all guilty. She designed Major League Soccer wear despite being colourblind

and a range of artisan cheeses despite being lactose intolerant. Holly. I mean, maybe she is lactose intolerant because she's a vegan. I mean, there is a connection there. There's no connection there. Anyway, she's not lactose intolerant and she hasn't brought out any cheeses. Are you absolutely sure she's not lactose intolerant?

Because if you're not, that's a very dangerous thing to say in case she's currently around at someone's house. They've been all lovely. I tell you what, she's like a milkshake and suddenly Beyonce dies and it's David Mitchell's fault. But of course, you know what happens if you're lactose intolerant and you have some lactose?

You don't die. It's not an allergy. It's just a sort of thing to make a fuss about. When Jay-Z headlined the Isle of Wight festival the A-list couple demanded to be put up in the island's premier hotel and were delighted to find out they'd been booked into the premier inn As part of the five-star treatment the room came equipped with Lenny Henry who came and put on a show for them

Richard? I bet they were booked into a premier inn on the Isle of Wight. They were. Finally. Finally. Paul McCartney stayed at the premier inn at the same time as the pair, decorating his room with Moroccan

drapes and a Buddha statue. I didn't know you were allowed to personalise your premier inn room. I believe a room in a premier Inn is about £29.50, and it may be that Paul McCartney, being very, very rich, said, I tell you what, I'll pay you £33 if I can decorate it a bit, and they went, OK. I think the fact that you know how much a Premier Inn hotel is

says a lot about your career. Thank you. Says a lot about your career. Thank you. Says a lot about your honeymoon. Beyonce is undisputedly the queen of pop music and is even BFFs with our queen. She was gifted one of the queen's diamonds. They regularly share fashion tips via email

and when they last hung out backstage at the Royal Variety performance, Joe Pasquale commented it's like their 12th cousins once removed. And that's the end of Louisa's lecture. Thank you. And at the end of that round, Louisa, you've managed to smuggle three truths past the rest of the panel,

which are that Beyoncé's mother's maiden name is Beyoncé. The second truth is that Beyoncé's father would encourage her to sing while running laps, not chopping wood or swimming. And the third truth is that the Queen and Beyoncé are 12 cousins once removed. Their common ancestor is

Gaspard II de Coligny, a 16th century French admiral and Huguenot leader. And that means, Louisa, you've scored three points. Beyonce changes her email address every week to limit how people get in touch with her. It's a technique she picked up from Virgin Trains. Beyonce's fans are called the Bayhive.

Mine are called Steve and Ian. It's now the turn of Jack D. Jack recently created a sitcom for ITV, Bad Move. Sorry, I'll read that again. Jack recently created a sitcom for ITV, Bad Move. It was very well received. Your subject, Jack, is rubbish. Waste material or refuse discarded by humans

when no longer wanted or needed. Off you go, Jack. Southern England's largest rubbish dump is found in Bognor Regis. And that sentence also works if you remove the words found in. Louisa. Yes, that's true, that it is the largest one in Bognor Regis. But not the largest one in southern England. Sorry, that one, yeah.

No, it's not true. I'm from southern England and I live... Very rare to get someone from there on the radio. A treat for listeners, there's someone from southern England. Holly. We used to live quite near a dump that then was being turned into a toxic waste dump. And it's now the Premier in Guildford. The Shakespeare Recycled Theatre Company

specialise in creating their stage sets and costumes from unwanted rubbish. Louisa. I think they do make their sets from rubbish. from unwanted rubbish. Louisa. I think they do make their sets from rubbish. They don't. They don't exist. Although we have discovered that a very similarly named company, not the Shakespeare Recycled Theatre Company, but Recycled Shakespeare Company in Maine, USA,

do in fact do this. So is that true? Can I get a point then, because that's technically true? No, because he said the Shakespeare Recycled Theatre Company and they're called Recycled Shakespeare Company. Yeah, but it's the same words just in a different order. In fact, it's the same words

recycled. It is some of the same words in a different order and actually, if you think about it, contract law would collapse if the word order wasn't relevant. There are more than 180 tons of rubbish on the moon but NASA has escaped to find because it's floating just above the surface. In 2006 volunteers removing litter from Ben Nevis found a piano near the summit, believed to have been brought up there by a trainee opera singer

trying to reach a very high C. I got it out, that's all right. Richard, I hope that joke-destroying buzz was worth it. They found a piano on Ben Nevis. They did find a piano on Ben Nevis. Correct. What does that mean? What is that technically rubbish?

It was out of tune, so... It's not fly-tipping, is it? People weren't like, I want to get rid of this piano, but I'll get fined, so I'll drive up the top of a mountain. You know what I mean? Well, I do know what you mean, but also... It's like saying, oh, I found a flag at the top of a mountain. It must be rubbish.

It's not. Someone took it there on purpose. I think you're defining rubbish rather too narrowly, if I may say so. Well, I think... It's not meant to be rubbish. It's not. Someone took it there on purpose. I think you're defining rubbish rather too narrowly, if I may say so. It's not meant to be there. It wasn't part of a sort of outdoor concert arena. How come you're getting so pedantic about that, but you weren't as pedantic when I said about the... I would put that down to the inconsistency of a human being, and maybe at some point this show will be hosted by a computer,

and I wish you joy of it. ar ryw bwynt bydd y sioe hwn yn cael ei gynhyrchu gan gyfrifiadur ac rwy'n gobeithio bod chi'n ei ddiddorol. Yn unrhyw ffordd, mae'r piano, pa mor bynnag y gadewch i'w gadewch, yn cael ei ddod o hyd, ond rydych chi'n gwybod... Allaf i gael un, os gwelwch? Wel, roeddech chi'n rhyw fath o'r sgwrs. Ie, rwy'n mynd i lawer o waith. Allaf i gael un, os gwelwch? Ie, rwy'n gobeithio, gallwch chi ddod o hyd oherwydd mae hyn wedi cymryd amser hir ac rwy'n meddwl y bydd yn ein helpu i You can have a point because this has all taken a long time and I think it will help us feel that it was worthwhile. While we're at it, can Louisa have that point? That's not fair.

You said my thing. You said, oh, don't get hung up on specifics to me, but then to her, you were like, let's get hung up on specifics. David, you are now being messed around like a supply teacher. It's going to have to go up to the Director General. After the 9-11 attacks, a quick-thinking New Jersey company brought out a summer pedal bin Laden, and their Abu Hamza pooper scooper was not as successful.

Sweden is so good at recycling that it has run out of rubbish and imports 80,000 tonnes a year from Norway. Louisa. Sweden has run out of rubbish. That's absolutely right. And... APPLAUSE And imports 80,000 tonnes a year from Norway. In 1999, a severed human head showed up on a conveyor belt

in a recycling center in Brooklyn. This horrified the factory worker who said it should never be put in with the plastics. Louisa. Yes to the severed head. Yes to the severed head correct. As it said here it was discovered at a waste transfer and recycling center in Brooklyn and it was badly damaged. It doesn't really matter though once it's been here, it was discovered at a waste transfer and recycling centre in Brooklyn, and it was badly damaged. Doesn't really matter, though, once it's been severed, you know. Bin lorries in Taiwan operate like ice cream vans, playing music to alert residents to bring out their rubbish. Richard.

The Taiwanese vans play music. Which vans? The refuse vans. The refuse vans play music, correct. Which vans? The refuse vans. The refuse vans play music, correct. If you were to collect all of the nappies disposed of in London in one day and lay them end to end, they would stretch amazingly from crouch end to stains. And you'd probably get arrested.

Thank you, Jack. At the end of that round, Jack, you've managed to smuggle one truth past the rest of the panel, which is that there are more than 180 tonnes of rubbish on the moon. Scattered over its surface includes more than 70 lunar vehicles, geological tools, bodily waste... Oh, that's nice. Thanks, astronauts. And other objects no longer needed for missions, one being the plaque announcing,

we came in peace for all mankind, which I don't think would count as litter, and I'm sure Holly would agree. That means, Jack, you've scored one point. Which brings us to the final scores. In fourth place, with minus five points, we have Holly Walsh. In third place, with minus four points, it's Louisa Omelan. In second place, with minus one point, it's Jack Dee.

And in first place, with an unassailable five points, is this week's winner, Richard Osman. That's about it for this week. Goodbye. The Unbelievable Truth was devised by John Naismith and Graham Garden and featured David Mitchell in the chair, with panellists Jack Dee, Holly Walsh, Louisa Omanel and Richard Osman. The chairman's script was written by Dan Gaster and Colin Swash and the producer was John Nesbitt.

It was a random production for BBC Radio 4.