The Unbelievable Truth - 22x02 Swimming, Mothers, Magazines, Clowns

Episode Date: February 19, 2022

22x02 8 April 2019 Tony Hawks, Sindhu Vee, Susan Calman, Graeme Garden Swimming, Mothers, Magazines, Clowns

We present The Unbelievable Truth, the panel game built on truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. Hello and welcome to The Unbelievable Truth, the panel show about incredible truths and barely credible lies. I'm David Mitchell. And a special hello to the listener who wrote saying, listening to your show recently, I was laughing so hard, I briefly lost control of the car.

And that's signed, the Duke of Edinburgh. Thank you. Thank you. I'd like to introduce four of my very favourite comedians, but we don't all get what we want, do we? So please welcome Tony Hawk, Sindhu V, Graham Garden and Susan Calman. The rules are as follows. Each panellist will present a short lecture that should be entirely false, save for five hidden truths which their opponent should try to identify.

Points are scored by truths that go unnoticed, while other panellists can win points if they spot a truth or lose points if they mistake a lie for a truth. First up is Tony Hawks. Tony is often mistaken for American skateboarding superstar Tony Hawk, as in the phrase, Tony Hawk has let himself go a bit. Tony, your subject is swimming, the act of propelling the body through water using limbs, fins, tail and other bodily movement. Off you go, Tony. Fingers on buzzersers the rest of you. My penis is so large it actually slows me down when I'm swimming.

This is something I have in common with the male spider shrimp, louse frog, mosquito fish and donkey otter? Susan. You're going back to the first sentence, aren't you? One of those, I think. Louse frog. No. No, sorry. Graham.

The shrimp prawn thing. Spider shrimp. Spider shrimp. No. Ah! No, sorry. Graham. The shrimp. Prawn thing. Spider shrimp. Spider shrimp. No. Sindhu. What were the last two that they didn't say? Donkey otter.

Why don't you go to the first bit about my... LAUGHTER The remaining unselected organisms, other than Tony Hawk himself, are mosquito fish and donkey otter. I've got to go with donkey otter. No, I'm afraid that's not true either. Yeah, that's quite a start for you, Tony.

It is. Must make up for all the penis disappointment. Susan. Mosquito fish. Correct. Yes, the lake-dwelling male mosquito fish, which has a penis that can extend to 70% of its body length, has fascinated evolutionary biologists

as the same generous appendage that renders the male fish irresistible to females also creates drag in the water, making the most well-endowed mosquito fish easy pickings for predators. The more predators there are, the smaller the mosquito fish's penis. So, genuinely, I mean, what a sitcom possibility.

You know, the sexy, big-penised fish, but, you know, dangerous figure of easy predation versus the horrible, unattractive, small-penised mosquito fish that no-one can ever catch. Maybe it's not a sitcom, maybe that's the wrong genre I'm a little bit disappointed by the way this show is going because everything I said has been challenged except I've got a big penis can I challenge the first statement that Tony made about having a large I'm afraid to, it's very kind of you Susan,

but I'm afraid it is not true that Tony Hawk's penis is so large that it slows him down when swimming. That was a lovely touch. I'd repay it if you had a penis. The funny thing is I do it at home in the dishwasher. Well, you've got to stir the soup somehow, haven't you? As a boy, I used to do a lot of synchronised swimming on my own. I wanted to do it at the Olympics, but couldn't until they introduced solo synchronised swimming in 1984. Susan? Solo synchronised swimming is a thing in the Olympics. Yes it is indeed. Or rather it was. It was introduced in 1984 and was in the 1988 and 1992 games. According to one commentator it's surprising that it took the organizers three Olympics to realize that a person swimming alone cannot be synchronised with anyone else.

The word SWIMS, in capital letters, is an acronym for both the Socialist Women in Menstruation Society and the Scottish Workers' Institute for Motorised Shoes. Extraordinarily, it also reads the same upside down, as does Madam and Otto. Graham? I think it reads the same upside down. It does read the same upside down. Yes, swims. It's a type of ambigram, a word that reads the same both ways up.

Similar examples include suns and, when in lowercase, dollop. You pick up a lot of interesting things on this show. Yes, absolutely. This is part of the BBC's remit to educate and inform. Yes, dollop looks the same whichever way. Public swing pools around the world have many rules that are written into the country's constitution. In New York City, you're not allowed to hold your breath,

and in Ireland, you have to wear trunks that include a backstop. Seven out of ten people in New Guinea cannot swim. But since there are no public pools in the whole country, and as the sea is made of soup, no-one worries on Julie. Cindy. Seven out of ten people in New Guinea can't swim. No. Susan.

I don't think there are any public pools. No, there are public pools, yeah. Well, why... Yes, exactly. What about the sea being made of soup? Do you want to have a go at that one, anyone? Graham, come on. That's cruel taunting to someone

who pretended she thought you had a large piece. Yes. And believe me, I have never done that for a man in my entire life. No need to, the way your dishwasher's stacked. Yes. Right. You don't need to, the way your dishwasher's stacked. Yes. Right.

Olympic swimmers are all very superstitious, and they believe that it's unlucky not to have two of everything. So female swimmers have two testicles, male swimmers two bosoms, and they wear two swimming costumes and two swimming hats Susan two swimming hats, correct Many many Olympic swimmers including Michael Phelps where two swimming caps when competing the second cap helps keep their goggles from falling off Thank You Tony At the end of that round Tony you've managed to smuggle one truth past the

rest of the panel, which is that in public swimming pools in New York City, you're not allowed to hold your breath. New York City and Santa Barbara, California have banned swimmers from holding their breath for prolonged periods of time. This is to avoid shallow water blackouts, which occur when a

person tries to swim underwater for too long and that means Tony you've scored one point Alison Streeter MB holds the record for the most swims across the English Channel having done it 43 times a Bit sad it's not 44 as she must be in France now A bit sad it's not 44, as she must be in France now. The man who set the record time for swimming the Panama Canal in 1959 was declared an honorary ship, which was all good fun, until they smashed a bottle of champagne against the side of his face. OK, we turn now to Sindhu V.

Sindhu's second name is actually Venkat Narayanan. Her television career was held back until widescreen became standard. Sindhu, your subject is mothers or female parents. Off you go, Sindhu. In Japanese, the word for mother is mana to sokai, which translates literally as, you're not going out dressed like that are you the medieval habit of rubbing cinnamon into their bellies by expectant mothers led to the phrase having a bun in the oven to describe the state of pregnancy

in france in france a mother is said to have a croissant in the oven in romania In France, a mother is said to have a croissant in the oven. In Romania... In Romania, it's a radish. In Germany, a roast dinner. And in Sweden, it's a salmon. Susan. OK. So...

A radish, radish, radish is the one I'm going for, the radish. In Romania, they say having a radish in the oven. Yeah, yeah. No, they don't. The longest time a mother has carried a human child before giving birth is 58 weeks. The baby was so overdue it came out with a moustache and reading the telegraph.

Our ancestors took an entirely practical approach to having children. In the Aztec world, if a baby wasn't ready, the mother would pop it back in for another 20 minutes. And until the 18th century, mothers would hang their babies on hooks alongside the coats while they got on with the housework. Susan? No. In the old days, the stories that my mother tells me

about how they used to look after us sound quite Dickensian and some would say cruel. Therefore, I fully believe one would hang a child gently on a hook while they do the housework. That's absolutely right. Yes. In certain parts of Europe and America, up to and during the 18th century,

swaddled babies were often hung from hooks on household walls or from trees in the fields while their mothers worked. But it's like those sort of seat things that you put the baby into on a rubber rope that bounce around, baby bouncers. Oh, the thing you hang on a door frame? Well, yes, or a hook from the ceiling. We used to hang my brother from a door frame.

I mean, with a rubber rope, if you pull the baby right down, you can actually get it up to the ceiling. In every culture, the pushy mother is very much admired, whatever lengths she goes to in order to improve the prospects of her offspring. One mother in India was arrested for murder after she poisoned a man to help her son's dream of becoming a mortician. Yeah, I'm going to go with that. No.

A mother in California was arrested for arson after setting things alight in order to assist her son's career as a fireman. Graham. I'll go with that. That's the one that's right. Yes. APPLAUSE Apparently US firefighters are paid a base salary

but earn extra when they fight fires. That, I would say, is already a flawed payment strategy. LAUGHTER Most central pantomime characters display an open contempt for their mothers. Aladdin hates his mother. Jack's motivation to climb the beanstalk is to get away from his. And Peter Pan disliked his so much the story might have been called

The Boy Who Hated Mothers. Compared to the human world, mothers in the animal kingdom serve a very different function. When only two days old, the mother-eating toad eats its own mother for sustenance. Conversely, children, such ingrates. Anyway,

conversely, the male Oedipus frog mates exclusively with its own mother. Susan. Yeah, go on. The Oedipus frog yeah go on doesn't exist so like you can hear David Attenborough That sounds more like Cliff Richard. The mothers of some of America's most inspiring men identified as men themselves. John Wayne's mother was called David, but preferred Dave.

Barack Obama's mother, Stanley, was nicknamed Stan the Man. Samuel L. Jackson's mother was called Jackson, but known as Handsome Jack. On screen, Samuel L. Jackson has said mother over 300 times. Despite this, none of his movies are suitable Mother's Day presents. In Saudi Arabia, Mother's Day is an occasion when mothers traditionally buy flowers and cards for all the male children they've given birth to. Daughters get a bag of sand. Tony. I'll go for the tradition of the mothers buying things in Saudi Arabia for the males.

No, that's not true. Isn't it? No. It would be a nice touch, wouldn't it? I don't know, would it? Well, I mean, no, but I think the idea of Mother's Day, it's not a big Indian thing, for example. You could see that mothers, because my mother called me one time,

one happy mother, and said, Hello, it's a happy Mother's Day, and I'm a happy mother, so I'm calling you. And I was like, that's not how it works, Ma. I have to call you and say happy Mother's Day. And she said, but you're not my mother. I'm like, okay. All right. So really, it doesn't always translate. So I can see why you would think Mother's Day. And she said, but you're not my mother. I'm like, okay. So really, it doesn't always translate.

So I can see why you would think that's true. Anyway, that's the end of Sindhu's lecture. And at the end of that round, Sindhu, you have managed to smuggle three truths past the rest of the panel. And they are that in Germany, expectant mothers are referred to as having a roast dinner in the oven. Instead of having a bun in the oven.

The phrase is, Ein Braten in der Röhre haben. The second truth that Sindhu smuggled was that Peter Pan was almost called the boy who hated mothers. J.M. Barrie's producer, Charles Froman, reportedly disliked the title, so Barr suggested The Boy Who Couldn't Grow Up and Froman suggested changing Couldn't to Wouldn't.

Really saved that show I reckon. The Boy Who Couldn't Grow Up sounds like he's got a growth disorder. And the third truth is that Barack Obama's mother was called Stanley and was nicknamed Stan the Man. She was called Stanley Ann Dunham, and at elementary school that was her nickname. And that means you've scored three points. At least 10% of all the adult cheaters in the southern Serengeti

have the same mother. Slag. Next up is Susan Calman. Susan has just made a travel series called Secret Scotland, where she shows off the hidden bits with all the sunshine in. Susan, your subject is magazines. Periodicals, usually published weekly or monthly,

containing articles and illustrations, often on a particular subject or aimed at a particular readership. Off you go, Susan. When I was a young boy growing up in Cardiff, our village only had one shop. It was a butcher's shop. But at the back of that shop, behind the haberdashery, there was a small rack of magazines.

Oh, the smell of those magazines. Of course, I didn't know while growing up in the 1950s that publishers regularly impregnated the pages with the scent of sandalwood to make consumers feel excited every time they opened the pages. Tony. Yes, the publishers definitely did that. Did they? I know this for a fact.

No, they didn't. My publisher lied to me. Cindy. I think she grew up where there was just the one store and it did have a haberdashery and all that jazz. No, I grew up in Glasgow. It's quite the metropolitan place. We have electricity and everything these days.

Okay, well, that's clear, then. I was genuinely asked when I did a radio show once by a man whether or not we had electricity in Glasgow. And that was about five years ago. Did you? No. Mind you, all glossy magazines are radioactive, which is why I'm Spider-Man.

Pizazz magazine, a short-lived spin-off of The Sun, gave three pages to the topic shaping cellulite into the initials of your husband the first issue of the lady magazine gave its readers detailed instructions on how to take a bath properly Cindy first edition of the lady magazine. And despite being a women's magazine, for decency's sake, the article was illustrated with pictures of a man having a bath. This was in 1885. Any old idiot has a column in a magazine or newspaper these days.

James Corden has a column in Thai Wearer's Quarterly, distributed on American Airlines. And Nigel Farage writes a column for Total Sea Fishing magazine. Sindhu. James Corden. No. No such magazine, Thai wearers quarterly. Yeah.

Gap in the market. Well, I mean... When I was writing it, I thought, what would James Corden write for it? I genuinely spent a long time thinking, and I thought... And you thought, money? Money. No, but it's true, though.

Apparently that's where the money is, airline magazines. Is it? Right. Yeah, up to two quid a word. Really? And then nobody reads it, so it can just be the same word over and over again. I promise you, next time you're on BA, open the magazine,

it just says February, February, February, February, February. My favourite magazines are fairly niche they include girls and corpses magazine which is published in America cheese and ways to use it which is from Sydney and the thimbles of the world which only contains thimbles from France and what if you're religious Sindhu girls and corpses correct yes Sindhu. Girls and corpses. Correct. Yes. Yes, that exists. US magazine Girls and Corpses describes itself as sort of like Maxim magazine meets Dawn of the Dead. It features semi-naked glamour models posing sexually with life-size models of decaying corpses.

And yet in this audience, there is a small minority who's thinking, oh... And as everyone else groans, they just feel lonelier and lonelier. There's Exorcist Monthly, a Polish magazine, whereas Exorcist Weekly is a monthly pamphlet in Germany. I love magazines. I'm going to go with The Polish Exorcists. Oh, you're right, The Polish Exorcists. Yes, Exorcist Monthly, a Polish magazine,

is dedicated to exorcism. Other Catholic magazines in Poland include Saints at a Glance and Christ Reign Over Us, which features a column on the hobbies of altar boys. So yes, well done, Sindhu. Thank you, Susan. And at the end of that round, Susan, you've managed to smuggle two truths, which are that all glossy magazines are radioactive. The kaolin clay, which is added to paper to produce the glossy smooth surface of many high-end magazines, contains small amounts of uranium and thorium. Other radioactive consumer products include ceramic tiles, Brazil nuts and cat litter.

And, of course and cat litter. And of course nuclear weapons. And the second truth is that Nigel Farage writes a column for Total Sea Fishing magazine. Which is appropriate for a total sea. And that means, Susan, you've scored two points. Playboy magazine was first made available in Braille in 1970, a decision which caused a lot of hard feelings. It's now the turn of Graham Garden. Your subject, Graham, is clowns.

Jesters who wear bright clothes and exaggerated make-up and perform slapstick or physical comedy, often in mime style. Off you go, Graham. Everybody loves clowns. Clowns copyright their distinctive face make-up by going to the National Chapter of Clowns in Whitechapel, where the staff take their details, photograph their faces, and then pass the information on to Scotland Yard. A fear of clowns is called understandable.

King Henry II kept a court jester named Roland. At the annual Christmas Day banquet, Roland's Christmas dance featured a jump, a whistle and a fart. The Michael McIntyre of his day, although... LAUGHTER ..it's believed only the jump was intentional. Johnny Depp, Billy Bob Thornton, P. Diddy and Claire Balding have all worked as professional circus clowns.

Tony. Right, got to be one of them in there. I think probably not Claire Balding, working backwards. Or in either direction. I think Billy Bob Thornton. You think Billy Bob Thornton? Yeah. That's wrong. Susan. OK, for Chaplin, I think Johnny Depp did clown stuff. Was he in Chaplin? No. No. No, he's not done clowning.

Sindhu? P. Diddy. Nope. I'm not buzzing for balding. If she's listening, which she does listen to Radio 4, I think you'd be really great at it, Clare. Well, of the four in that list, Clare Balding is the most likely to be a good clown because Johnny Depp, Billy Bob Thornton and P. Diddy

all suffer from a phobia of clowns, which, as far as we know, Clare Balding doesn't. I know Clare, and I think if she'd been a clown, she might have mentioned it, but then maybe we're not as close friends as I thought we were well I'm going for Claire Balding I'm afraid Claire Balding has never been a clown really that's the maximum for Graham all four of those lies garnered a point Lies. Garnet appoints. Tribolet, the court jester of King Francis I, was so disrespectful the king sentenced him to death. However, the king granted Tribolet the right to choose the way he would die.

He chose to die of old age. Susan. I was going to go for that one. Tribolet. Yeah, Tribolet. That's absolutely right. Yay! A clown has run for president of the USA.

Cindy? A clown has run for president of the USA. That's absolutely right, yes. And you buzzed very early in the truth, the rest of which Graham can now give us. Yes, Dan Rice was a very popular clown who dressed like Uncle Sam in a Stars and Stripes costume and became so popular he ran for president in 1868.

So, yeah, absolutely right, Graham. President Richard Nixon was obsessed with clowns and clowning and would often turn up at White House functions in baggy pants, red nose and fright wig, wearing a tiny green bowler hat with a flower in it that squirted water. Susan. Nixon was obsessed with clowns. No. No, he wasn't.

He was a very conservative dresser, it says here. In 1971, Nixon inaugurated National Clown Week, which kicks off with the Secretary of State having a bucket of whitewash poured down the front of his trousers. When the last official court jester was appointed by the King of Tonga in 1999, the King also made him his financial advisor. Tony, I haven't got one truth in the entire programme yet.

But I feel my luck is changing here. Around this whole King of Tonga thing, which I didn't even listen to properly. But I think it is a truth. It is a truth. Yay!

Yes, the last official court jester was appointed by the King of Tonga in 1999 and was also made financial advisor but let the country down badly by investing $26 million into a US company which subsequently went bust and all the money

plus $11 million accrued in interest was lost. Thank you, Graham. At the end of that round, Graham, you've managed to smuggle two truths past the rest of the panel, which are that King Henry II kept a court jester named Roland. At the annual Christmas Day banquet, Roland's Christmas dance featured a jump, a whistle and a fart.

And the second truth is that in 1971, Nixon inaugurated National Clown Week. And that means, Graham, you've scored two points. Which brings us to the final scores. In fourth place, with minus five points, we have Tony Hawks. In third place, with minus three points, it's Susan

Calman. In second place, with minus two points, it's Sindhu V. And in first place, with an unassailable one point, it's this week's winner, Graham Garden. That's about it for this week. Goodbye.

The Unbelievable Truth was devised by John Naismith and Graham Garden and featured David Mitchell in the chair, with panellists Graham Garden, Tony Hawkes, Susan Kalman and Sindhu V. The chairman's script was written by Dan Gaster and Colin Swash Thank you.