The Unbelievable Truth - 22x03 Germany, Babies, Trousers, Beards

Episode Date: February 19, 2022

22x03 15 April 2019 Henning Wehn, Lucy Porter, Lou Sanders, Frankie Boyle Germany, Babies, Trousers, Beards

We present The Unbelievable Truth, the panel game built on truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. Hello and welcome to The Unbelievable Truth, the panel show about incredible truths and barely credible lies. I'm David Mitchell. Each week, like a cardo, our panel of comedians are guaranteed to deliver, despite the occasional disappointing substitution. So please welcome Frankie Boyle, Lucy Porter,

Henning Vane and Lou Sanders. The rules are as follows. Each panellist will present a short lecture that should be entirely false, save for five hidden truths which their opponent should try to identify. Points are scored by truths that go unnoticed, while other panellists can win points if they spot a truth or lose points if they mistake a lie for a truth.

First up is Henning Weyn. Henning is originally from Germany, but he's settled in Britain. He just has to change his surname to Windsor and he'll be 17th in line to the throne. Henning, for the second time on The Unbelievable Truth, your subject is Germany. truth your subject is Germany described by my encyclopedia as a central European German speaking country admired for its cars beer and sausages off you go Henning fingers on buzzers the rest of you before we begin may I say it depresses me greatly being asked to do a, it is. Hang on, I'm very confused. Lou buzzed in saying she didn't think it was true and then Henning countered saying it was.

LAUGHTER Either I'm having a stroke or that's the opposite way round from the rules. I have forgotten the format of the show. But the fact that you buzzed and Henning said it was true, you ought to get a point, despite what you said. You buzzed, it was true, Henning said it was true, you get a point. Thank you. Henning.

Anyway, here we are with Germany again. Seemingly, Radio 4, just like Margaret Thatcher, isn't happy with just one Germany. Germany has no class divide, because in Germany, everyone is doing incredibly well. And if you're wondering about all those barons and archdukes and princes, well, they were all destroyed, along with most of our infrastructure, but unprovoked foreign aggression.

But to quote Goethe, let bygones be bygones. Lou. Let bygones be bygones. Yes. What about it? I think it's a lovely sentiment. I think we can all agree with that, yes. I'll be honest, I don't know who Goethe is.

He's a guy, a German guy that wrote things. Oh. He wrote things not including the phrase, let bygones be bygones. Even the very bottom of society is content. Non-violent prisoners are allowed to keep a duck and bring their own bedding from home. Lucy?

I think in a German prison you're allowed to bring your own bedding. No. Oh. It's not really... That would be annoying to have to. Do you think in a German prison you're allowed to bring your own bedding? No. Oh. It's not really... That would be annoying to have to. I think it's one of the services you'd expect from a prison. If the prisoners still don't like the conditions, they can try to escape without any additional penalty,

cos Germans love a high-stakes game of hide and seek. That's why Germans have voted The Great Escape the most popular war movie of all time. The Great Escape, or to give it its German name, The Great Recapture. Frankie? Have they voted The Great Escape the greatest war movie of all time? They haven't, no.

Germans' favourite World War II film, from a German perspective, it says here, is probably Downfall. Oh, Das Boot, somebody from the audience is overruling me. LAUGHTER Yeah. Das Boot, possibly. Anyone want to shout in any of the judges? Germans are a very playful people

and have the second highest number of board games per household. In German, monopoly is known as monotony because everyone avoids buying anything, preferring to stay in reasonably priced, well-maintained housing association property. Frankie? The Germans must be second on the list

of board game havers. In fact, per capita, the Germans are number one. Who did you think was number one. That's serious. Who did you think was number one? I mean, that's the question, isn't it? Austria. It's like Germany, but more so. So, with us being so into board games, it shouldn't come as a surprise that the most popular board game at the moment is all about tiles and tiling.

But don't think for one minute, everyone, that Germans can't be sensible. Being sensible starts soon after birth in Germany, where it is illegal to give your child a stupid name. Lou. Yes, I think it is illegal to give your child a stupid name. That is correct. Yes!

Yes. According to the German constitution, quote, the state has a right and a duty to protect the child from an irresponsible name choice. If your chosen name is forbidden by the registrar, you can challenge the ruling in court. In 2018, the name Henning was the 6,477th most popular boy's name in Germany. LAUGHTER Wow, Henning, you've really done a lot for the brand. 6,477th most popular boy's name in Germany.

Wow, Henning, you've really done a lot for the brand. One family wanted to call their child Borussia Dortmund, but this was disallowed by Judge Bayern Munich. Smiling is frowned upon. When Walmart opened in Germany, it had to scrap its policy of getting staff to smile at customers. Germans found it too weird. Lou. I think that shop that he mentioned, they were

maybe told off for smiling or you know, it wasn't within the culture. Yes, when American-owned Walmart arrived in Germany in 1998, German staff received instructions to smile at any customer within a ten feet radius. A practice which German customers interpreted as flirting.

The staff were also trained to help pack customers' bags at the checkout, a practice which German shoppers interpreted as attempts to steal from them. As Martin Kaldick, an expert in German retailing, noted at the time, German customers regard this customer service as an unnecessary delay. All they want is efficiency. Thank you, Henning. At the end of that round, Henning, you've managed to smuggle three truths past the rest of the panel.

Oh, I've got an idea how I'm going to play the rest of this. What are you saying, Henning? Last time Henning was on this programme, he scored three points at the beginning and then refused to speak for the rest of the show. But nevertheless, your three truths were that Margaret Thatcher wasn't happy with just one Germany. Margaret Thatcher bitterly opposed Germany's reunification,

allegedly remarking after the fall of the Berlin Wall, we beat the Germans twice and now they're back. The second truth is that prisoners can try to escape in Germany without any additional penalty. German law maintains that it's a basic human instinct to be free and therefore prisoners who don't break any other laws in the process of escaping are not charged with any offence and no extra time is added to their sentence. The third truth is that the most popular board game at the moment in Germany

is all about tiles and tiling. And that means, Henning, you've scored three points. Per capita sales of board games in Germany are higher than anywhere else in the world, mainly due to the older generation stuck in the past who just can't stop playing Risk. OK, we turn now to Lucy Porter. Lucy once told The Independent that she's a fan of Irish dancing.

If you're listening, Liam Neeson, that's the sort of anecdote they want. LAUGHTER Lucy. dancing. If you're listening, Liam Neeson, that's the sort of anecdote they want. Lucy, your subject is babies, newborn or very young children who are not yet able to walk or talk. Off you go, Lucy. Pound for pound, babies are stronger than an ox, angrier than a telegraph columnist and also bulletproof. If you think human babies are cute, the truth is they're the most threatening, powerful and violent creatures. Henny. I did consider that a baby, pound for pound, might be stronger than an ox, but I've gone off that idea.

Are you buzzing for that? No. You're not? You're not buzzing for that? OK. It's true, by the way. No! It's true! Is it true?

It is true, but Henning doesn't get the point. They've got no coordination. It's just absolutely pointless. He didn't say they've got greater coordination than us. But, yes, babies are, pound for pound, stronger than oxen. This is especially true of their legs. They have a very tight grip known as the palmar grasp. If they're that strong, why can't they walk then? I think it's to do with balance.

If I had a field to plough, I'd rather have one ox than 100 babies. I would much rather have a giant baby. I mean, that would be an incredible farm that was ploughed by giant babies. A giant baby is a grown-up. I'd rather have one ox than one grown-up if I have to plough the field.

It's not a grown-up, it's a man-sized baby with a plough. Yeah, but you don't need a man-sized baby, you could just have a baby-sized baby to do the same job as an ox. Yeah, and an ox-sized ox. Okay, everyone. Firstly, Frankie's quite right that a man-sized baby would be a very effective instead of oxen and would also be a tourist attraction.

It could be. But the fact that they're pound for pound stronger than an oxen doesn't mean that a normal-sized baby is an effective replacement for an ox. For starters, they've got no sense of balance. They've just been... Yes, exactly. Lucy. At three months old, a human baby can emit breath so hot it could crisp the top of a creme brulee being cooked in a different room.

This is why breast milk contains flame retardant and I no longer have a cat. Both boy and girl babies look very macho before they are born. In the womb, a baby will secretly grow a full set of teeth and a Tom Selleck moustache. The only reason you don't see these is because the baby reabsorbs its own teeth shortly after eating the moustache. HE GASPS

Henny. No. Unborn babies in the womb, they look... There can be confusion, isn't there, that you're not sure which gender it is. She said looks macho. I said very macho. Yeah, just carry on reading that little thing.

Henning, do you expect me not to charge you a point for that buzz? I was just having a chinwag. No, I didn't challenge her nothing. I'm going to say, the next time you buzz, I'm going to take that as a buzz, and that's going to cost you a point. Or it might earn me a point. It might earn you a point, but what I'm saying is,

if you don't intend to participate meaningfully in the game, then we quite simply cannot afford the electricity that that buzz costs. A newborn baby expels its own body weight in waste every 24 hours. Lou. Yap. No. Yap.

And its waste is expelled with such force that if the baby isn't wearing a nappy, the jet can propel the child out of an open window. Babies are so strong and competitive, many countries exploit this for entertainment. Every year, Lithuania holds a Baby Olympics, including 100 metres, 50 metres, 5 metres and a crawling race for babies too drunk to participate in the running races.

Frankie? Yeah, why not? Lithuanian Baby Olympics. What else are they doing? Well, I'm going to give you the point, because it's actually... There's a Lithuanian crawling race, is the truth. Baby Olympics is a fictional edition, but that is basically true. Lithuania holds a crawling race for babies. It's held over a five-metre-long carpeted track

in the capital Vilnius, the stated purpose being to find the fastest crawler in the land. But it's not just human babies that are terrifyingly powerful. A baby elephant can lift a Land Rover using nothing but its tusks, and because it's a baby elephant, these will only be milk tusks. Baby kangaroos are born with a tiny kangaroo inside their pouch and a smaller kangaroo inside that pouch, and so on until infinity

oh no oh i feel like such a well you know that thing what we've all been inside our grandma well we have have we well well no but i have Well, we have. Have we? Well... Well, no, but I have. Are you saying that when your mother was born, she was already pregnant? No, but she already had her eggs, so I was one of the eggs. So I was in my grandma.

We all have been in our grandma. So I'm thinking the same with the kangaroos, in a way. You're listening to Inside Health, aren't you? LAUGHTER No, that's not true, no. And that's the end of Lucy's lecture. APPLAUSE And at the end of that round, Lucy,

you've managed to smuggle four truths past the rest of the panel. APPLAUSE Which are that the first one is that pound for pound they're stronger than an ox, which we've already been through. The second truth is that breast milk contains flame retardant. Human breast milk contains flame retardant chemicals known as polybrominated diphenyl ethers, or PBDEs. They're commonly found in plastics, textiles and'r ddust ymddygiadol

ac yn cyd-dysgu'n ddigon gyda phwysau'r bobl, a allai ddisgrifio eu cyflwyniad yn dynion a mhwysau dynion. Ymddiriedolaeth tair yw, bydd yn y gofn, bydd plant yn tyfu moustache Tom Selleck, dwi ddim yn gwybod a yw'n cael ei gyflwyno yn effeithiol, ac yna bydd yn eu bwydo'r moustache. Bydd pob plant heb oed yn tyfu moustache mor hapus yn babies grow a very fine moustache in the womb, which then spreads to cover their entire body.

In the eighth or ninth month, the baby sheds and eats the hair, which forms a newborn's first poo known as meconium. And the fourth truth is that baby elephants have milk tusks. Baby elephants also often suck on their trunks the way human babies suck on their thumbs. Aww. And that means, Lucy, you've scored four points. A newborn baby cries on average for 113 minutes a day.

I mean, it could be more, but I've usually gone to the pub by then. A one-year-old baby is 30% fat, so really only eat one as an absolute treat. Next up is Lou Sanders. Lou grew up in Kent, known as the Garden of England, or, as it'll be known post-Brexit, the Lorry Car Park of England. Lou, your subject is trousers. Outer garments worn from the waist downwards

that cover each leg separately. Off you go, Lou. In the 13th century, a cure for being impotent was just to pop your trousers on your head for 24 hours. Then when you pop them back on, everyone's asking if you've got a certain fruit in your pocket, if you catch my drift. Yeah, I'm talking about bananas.

Contrary to popular belief, tight trousers are actually good for sperm because it makes them have to try harder and not be as naturally arrogant as we all know sperm can be. If you're thinking trousers are all fun and games, just remember, in an average year in Britain, trousers can cause twice as many accidents as chainsaws, and that includes people who absentmindedly put on a pair of chainsaws.

Lucy? Yeah, more dangerous than chainsaws. That's not what Lou said. She said they cause twice as many accidents as chainsaws, and that is true, and you get a point for that. I think it's important to draw a distinction between that and the notion that they're actually more dangerous. Who's measuring

how many trouser-related accidents there are? Does an accident report come in and someone go, trouser-related? There is a register. You can see all the accidents that people have died of and the numbers. Stares are always way

ahead of terrorism. Al-Qaeda and isis and the ira between them haven't got anywhere near the effect of stairs uh noel edmonds has 217 pairs of trousers but usually only wears two on rotation he talks to his trousers and checks in with them if they want to be worn or not before wearing them. Frankie. That sounds like Noel. No, as far as we know, he doesn't do that. But, yeah, it does sound like him. That would actually humanise him.

It's impossible to talk about trousers without mentioning the well-loved children's cartoon character, Mr Trousers, who was banned from UK TV because of foul language and mild homophobia. On the upside, he did have a very catchy theme tune, of course. I'll sing it for you now. Two legs, no head, it's Mr Trousers. There he is in his morning egg, it's Mr. Trousers.

Oh no, he's not in bed or he'd be in pyjamas, it's Mr. Trousers. Hello. Does anyone want to buzz in for that? Oh, hello. Is there a character Mr. Trousers? No, I tricked you. character, Mr Trousers?

No, I tricked you. Yes, that was a brilliant piece of incredibly believable invention. Complete, though that character may seem, Henning, is in fact, doesn't exist at all. In a recent survey, 73% of men said they felt sexier

in polyester trousers than any other fabric. But scientists have found that rats dressed in polyester trousers get less sex than rats rocking the woolen style. That's why all the staff at Sainsbury's now wear polyester trousers because they don't want to excite the customers. It's not fair on them and it's not fair on me. Frankie? All the staff at Sainsbury's wear polyester trousers. No that's not true.

But it's believable isn't it? Yeah. A pair of trousers were sued once. I don't have any more information on it because the court case is still ongoing so we can't discuss it legally. Safe to say, though, it's in America, of course, where anyone can marry their own animals. Henny. In America, certainly someone will have sued some trousers. LAUGHTER

Not as far as we know. LAUGHTER They are inanimate objects, trousers, you know. Yeah, but we're talking America. LAUGHTER For all you know, the trousers have gone to court against someone. Trousers being chucked in a corner or something that went to court. I mean, it is America.

That would be a brilliant episode for Mr Trousers. Do you see Mr Trousers as a courtroom drama? He fights for the rights of trousers that are discarded in corners. Left in a trouser press turned up to maximum. That's a torture scene. Donald Trump has his trousers checked by the FBI before he puts them on. He then wears each pair for two months, day and night, and has them steamed while he's still wearing them. That's not for security, that's for fun.

Ernie. Are the FBI, are they checking his trousers? No. That the Russians have an infiltrated trousers? No. Checking the pockets for Russians. No. New paragraph.

I know you're all wondering why astronauts wear belts in zero gravity. Well, they wear them to stop their trousers falling up. But what are the women wearing? Trick question. They're not going to let women into space, thank you. There's no shoe shops out there. Thank you, Lou. And at the end of that round, Lou,

you've also managed to smuggle four truths past the rest of the panel. The first is that in the 13th century, a cure for being impotent was just to pop your trousers on your head for 24 hours. The second truth is that rats dressed in polyester trousers get less sex than rats in woolen trousers. This is research from Dr Ahmed Shafiq, a professor at Cairo University. He dressed 75 lab rats for a year in polyester wool and cotton trousers and observed which rats had the most sex.

Dr Shafiq was awarded an Ig Nobel Award for his efforts. The third truth is that Donald Trump has his trousers steamed while he's still wearing them. Former campaign manager Corey Lewandowski revealed that Trump made his former communications director, Hope Hicks, steam his trousers while he was still wearing them. The fourth truth is that astronauts wear belts

to stop their trousers falling up. Former NASA employee Jeff Nozanoff explains that, quote, if astronauts did not wear belts, they would have a lot of pants riding up the crotch moments. And that means, Lou, you've scored four points. It's now the turn of Frankie Boyle. Frankie, your subject is the beard, a growth of hair on the chin and lower cheeks of a person's

face. Off you go, Frankie. Statistically, the main reason for growing a beard is having a face so ugly that you want to cover some of it up. But beards are useful in certain social situations, for instance, pretending you haven't returned someone's call because you've been shipwrecked. because you've been shipwrecked. Hipsters originally grew beards as it helped reduce the impact of a punch to the face. It's thought that after the apocalypse, bearded men will live two months longer due to all the nutrients from spilled soup.

Indeed, beards were actually prescribed by Victorian doctors as a kind of filter, capturing impurities in the air before they got into the mouth. Lou. Yep, yep, yep. You're absolutely right. Thank you. In the mid-1800s, in response to germ theory gaining ground and a Victorian obsession with clean air, English doctors actually recommended growing a thick beard

as a kind of air filter. Beards also help protect against the transmission of STDs, as no-one will want to have sex with you. LAUGHTER Beard trimming is banned by the Bible, meaning that in biblical times there was no way to tell who was a sex offender. LAUGHTER

Lucy. There probably is a passage in the Bible where it says, thou shalt not trim thine beard. There is indeed. It's, yes, Leviticus chapter 19, verse 27 in the King James Bible declares, ye shall not round the corners of your heads, neither shalt thou mar the corners of thy beard. Are you religious, Frankie? No.

Are you a, Frankie? No. Ah. Are you a sex offender? I mean, it can't be both. I just like the look. Right. Actors are also wary of beards, which may explain why the entire British supply of yak hair was used up making false beards for The Hobbit.

In ancient Rome, philosophers sported different styles of beards to distinguish which school of philosophy they belonged to, largely because television hadn't been invented. There have been studies that suggest eating ground-up beard hair can halt dementia in mice. Bad news for mice, as surely the last thing you want when you're being used in a drug experiment and will eventually be thrown into a bin is clarity.

Some beard trivia. Just for men, beard dye have colours in their range called Black Shame, The Grey Divorcee and Fooling No-One. When Naughty was broadcast in America, big ears became white beard to avoid causing offence to people with big ears. Lucy? I'm going to take a punt on that.

I think they called him White Beard instead of Big Ears. They did indeed. Well done, yeah. And Kanye West's beard has been copyrighted, trademarked and licensed. It brings in over $8 million a year, which goes to a charity to help young, disadvantaged children grow beards. The best advice when committing a crime

is to rub your beard into every surface at the crime scene. It confuses investigators, especially when they watch it back on CCTV. Indeed, the Croydon cat killer is believed to have evaded justice for many years simply by wearing a false beard and by being the Duke of Edinburgh.

Terry Tucker from Stoke was the proud owner of Britain's longest beard until it got caught in a shopping mall escalator and his entire skeleton and soft tissue were squeezed out like the contents of an overripe banana into a steaming heap outside a branch of Clare's accessories. And that's the end of Frankie's lecture. And at the end of that

round, Frankie, you've managed to smuggle two truths past the rest of the panel, which are that the entire British supply of yak hair was used up making false beards for the Hobbit. And the second truth is that in ancient Rome, philosophers sported different styles of beards to distinguish which school of philosophy

They belong to and that means Frankie you've scored two points Beard trimming is actually banned by the Bible a surprise to hear given how keen priests are on grooming Which brings us to the final scores. In fourth place, with minus two points, we have Henning Vein. In third place, with minus one point, it's Frankie Boyle. And in joint first place, with two points each,

it's this week's winners, Lucy Porter and Lou Sanders. That's about it for this week. Goodbye. The Unbelievable Truth was devised by John Naismith and Graham Garden and featured David Mitchell in the chair, with panellists Lucy Porter, Kenny Vane, Lou Sanders and Frankie Boyle. The chairman's script was written by Dan Gaster and Colin Swash and the producer was John Nesman

it was a random production of the BBC Radio 4