The Unbelievable Truth - 22x04 Names, Frogs, Paper, Parrots

Episode Date: February 19, 2022

22x04 22 April 2019 Richard Osman, Holly Walsh, Luisa Omielan, Jack Dee Names, Frogs, Paper, Parrots

We present The Unbelievable Truth, the panel game built on truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. Hello and welcome to The Unbelievable Truth, the panel show about incredible truths and barely credible lies. I'm David Mitchell. Thanks to listener Ted Jones, who tells us his dear old grandad used to love going out for his morning jog while listening to this show on his headphones,

so he never heard the truck coming. I've got four shining wits here tonight, and that's not just a spoonerism. Please welcome Richard Osman, Holly Walsh, Louisa Omelan and Jack Dee. The rules are as follows. Each panelist will present a short lecture that should be entirely false,

save for five hidden truths which their opponent should try to identify. Points are scored by truths that go unnoticed, while other panellists can win points if they spot a truth, or lose points if they mistake a lie for a truth. First up is Richard Osman. Listeners will know Richard from his quiz show, Pointless.

Unless, of course, they have a job. Richard, your subject is names. Words by which a person, place or thing is identified and distinguished from others. Off you go, Richard. Fingers on buzzers, the rest of you. Nicknames are a lot of fun, aren't they? My nickname at school was Richard the Incredibly Awesome Dude. Oh, come on, guys. David Mitchell's nickname in show business circles is Horse.

This is due to his lustrous hair, his solid dependability and the occasion he once tossed off a jockey at Kempton Park. If you think Boaty McBoatface was the first unusual name for a Royal Navy ship, you'll be surprised. Over the years, genuine names have included HMS Sinker, which sank, HMS Boom, which exploded, and HMS Pointless, which had amazing ratings. There have also been an HMS Flirt, an HMS Date, an HMS Kiss, and an HMS Why Isn't SheMS date, an HMS kiss and an HMS why-isn't-she-returning-my-calls.

Louisa. One of those is true. That's a distinct possibility. Could I liaise with Holly, but I'll get all the points or lose them? But I feel like your lawyer now. Well, you're not her lawyer, so... I feel like I am. You have no attorney client, Brisbane. Well, we're not her lawyer, so... I feel like I am. You have no attorney client, Brisley.

Well, we do, because if she feels like she is, then she is. And please don't talk to my client like that. I think HMS Date. No. Kiss? Please stop flirting with my client. No. Incidentally, HMS Flirt sounds like a terrible name for a boat,

unless it was named by Geordies, in which case it's perfect. Are you still thinking, Louisa? It is a terrible name for a boat. That is a truth. Not if it was invented by Geordies. Geordies don't invent those types of boats anymore. Is that a reference to the declining shipbuilding industry? I thought I was going to dig a hole for myself,

so I kept it halfway, just in case. I don't think HMS Flirt is necessarily a terrible name for a boat. It's arguably a terrible name for a battleship. Although maybe that would be a great way with the enemy, just sort of coily toy with them and then blast them to pieces. That's how you flirt, is it? Yeah, flirt like a serial killer. So I don't think I can give you a point for that, Louise.

If you live in a house on a street with a rude name, your property can be worth up to 15% more than your sensible neighbours. Yes. No. In fact, if anything, it makes the value go down. That's not true. Yes, it is. Examples of genuine rude street names in the UK

include Cock Trumpet Lane in Worcestershire and Gentleman's Passage in York. Who is it? Gentleman's Passage. No. Oh. Gentleman's Passage. In Hereford, you'll find the unfortunately named Orgy Lane.

If you want to buy on Orgy Lane, the property search website Rightmove is currently advertising a cosy two-up, two-down. LAUGHTER the property search website Rightmove is currently advertising a cosy two-up, two-down. Jack? I'm quite tempted by Orgy. I think there's a place called Orgy Lane in Hereford. There isn't. No.

I'm sorry. In the Orkneys, there is an East Cheek and a West Cheek, and locals advise great caution when travelling between the two. Louisa. There is an East Cheek. No. There is a West Cheek, I meant. No.

Although Orkney and Shetland both have a twat. Everywhere has one. Doesn't everywhere, yeah. A petition to change the name of Bell End in the West Midlands was called A Bit Silly by Stephen Young, 72, of Minge Lane, Worcester. Most place names in Europe have Roman origins. A good example is London, which comes from the Latin Londo, meaning Holy Christ, and Dono, meaning, is this point of Guinness really £5.50?

The Roman name for slough was Winsorium, from the Latin phrase, I'm afraid our nearest waitress is in Windsor. Jack? It must be a very cleverly constructed falsehood that slough was called Winsorium because it's so close to Windsor. It's certainly a falsehood. Yeah, that's just what bring that to everyone's attention. Just to say...

It was an homage, really, more than a challenge. No. In fact, there's no evidence that the Romans settled in Slough. Well, why would they? Yeah. And the Roman name for Paris roughly translates into English as Slough. When Nell Gwynne had an affair with Charles II, she had already had two other lovers called Charles,

so her nickname for Charles II was Charles III. Louisa. She'd already had two other lovers called Charles. Correct. Woo! Woo! Yes. Yes, with your face, Richard.

And in consequence... I've got one. Yes, and her nickname for Charles II was Charles III, because it was the third lover of the name Charles she'd had. Interestingly, according to his wife, this is also where the name Jack D comes from. LAUGHTER In Sweden, fish fingers are called monster's toes. Yes, that sounds nice.

But no, not true. Really? It's a good name for them, but not true. That would be a great name for little fish fingers, wouldn't it? Also, we live in a post-truth society, so why not? Yeah, fake news. Hashtag fake news. It sounds good, so why wouldn't it? Also, we live in a post-truth society, so why not? Yeah, fake news. Hashtag fake news. It sounds good, so why not have it? Why don't we all keep our own score?

Under which we've all won. In Finland, budget meatballs have so little meat in them they're called balls. That sounds like, because they're quite on it over there, so I reckon they would be quite anal like that and be like, there's not that much meat in that one, so you have to be truthful. That's absolutely right. That is absolutely right, Luisa.

In Finland, budget meatballs have so little meat in them they're called balls. And in Norway, the Ford Focus has been renamed the Fjord Fjokus. Adele means something very rude in Japan. Beyoncé means an unmentionable word in Indonesia. And Olly Murs means something absolutely terrible in England. Thank you, Richard. Thank you, Richard. And at the end of that round, Richard, you've managed to smuggle three truths past the rest of the panel,

which are that of the ship names you mentioned, the real one was HMS Flirt. There have been a total of five Royal Navy ships of that name, the first in 1782. Four Royal Navy ships have been named HMS Spanker. Four have been named HMS Spanker, four have been named HMS Cockchafer, which is apparently after the insect. Not so sure.

One has been named HMS Happy Entrance. And HMS Pansy had to have its name changed before it was commissioned into service in April 1940 due to a potential mutiny. The second truth is that a petition to change the name of Bell End in the West Midlands was called a bit silly by Stephen Young, 72, of Minge Lane, Worcester. And the third truth is that the Roman name for Paris roughly translates into English as Slough. And that means, Richard, you've scored three points. Johnny Cash named his first daughter Roseanne after Rose and Anne, his nicknames for her mother's breasts. Well, that's according to his younger daughter, Fanny Anus.

OK, we turn now to Holly Walsh. Holly, your subject is frogs. Small, tailless amphibians with short, squat bodies, protruding eyes and powerful hind legs for leaping. Off you go, Holly. The Guinness Book of Records lists the frog as the most useful of all the animals. If you lick certain types of frog,

you'll be able to taste what the weather is going to be and then spend the next three hours vomiting. Louise. I reckon if you lick it, you'll be able to tell what the weather is going to be and then spend the next three hours vomiting. Louise. I reckon if you lick it, you'll be able to tell what the weather's going to be like. Apparently not. And with the simple addition of urine, they turn into a makeshift pregnancy tester which doubles as a handy, if ineffective, paperweight cum air freshener.

Richard. I think you can use them as a pregnancy tester, or some people do. You can indeed. Good Lord. Yeah. Yes, in fact, until the 1960s, the only reliable pregnancy test involved injecting a woman's urine into a female African clawed frog.

Not very convenient. If the woman was pregnant, the frog would ovulate five to twelve hours later it was known as the Hogben test named after the British scientists who discovered it god knows how a less reliable previous test for pregnancy involved injecting urine into female rabbits the idea being that if the rabbits ovaries expanded the woman was pregnant people came to believe that the rabbit would die if the test was positive and the phrase the rabbit died became a euphemism for

pregnancy in truth the rabbit always died because it had to be dissected to check the size of its ovaries boots must have been a very different place in the past all frogs and rabbits looking scared agony aunts pages must have been very different as well. How many days should I wait after my period to know if I'm pregnant? Well, just dissect the ovary of a rabbit. Yeah, I mean, basically, if to tell if you're pregnant, you need a female African clawed frog, the answer would be start looking for one now.

Why? Am I about to be made pregnant? No, I mean... That was very, very... now. Why? Am I about to be made pregnant? No, I mean... That was very, very... Yes, that's one of my key chat-up lines. Tell you what, you want to start looking for a female African clawed frog now. Plus, we have to thank the Peruvians for

pointing out that there's nothing so likely to get you in the mood for sexy times than popping a frog in a blender and necking the delicious slurry in one sultry gulp. Which is why Boots currently offer frog extract only on prescription or as part of their meal deal. Frogs are, of course, the most Christmassy of all the animals. The Victorians would delight in hanging shriveled frogs from their Christmas tree. They would arrange stuffed frogs in a nativity scene with a tadpole in the crib. And they loved giving each other festive cards with pictures of frogs murdering one another on the front,

just like the Bible tells you to. Much like the Spice Girls, there are five main types of frog. There's the horny hedge frog, so-called because it gets turned on by foliage. The vampire frog, which pretends to be a bat and loves virgins. The blue racist frog, which thinks all fish look alike. Richard. Is there a vampire frog? There is not a vampire frog. That was an invention of Holly's. But there is, coincidentally, a vampire flying frog.

I mean, that's a technicality. Would you let that go on pointless? I would have given that. Yeah. 100% of the time. Because you're... Yeah, well, because we run it professionally. What do you call a vampire flying frog when it's asleep?

I don't know. A vampire frog. But my favourite frog, and we all have one, is the paradoxical frog, which gets smaller as it grows up, looks like a llama, grunts like a pig, tastes like a chicken, moves like Jagger, and was the runner-up in the second series of Pop Idol before retiring into obscurity. Louisa.

The paradoxical frog that gets smaller as it grows up. Correct. Well, Scottie, yes. The paradoxical or shrinking frog of South America begins its life like most frogs do, as a tadpole, and a big tadpole, up to ten inches long, but it then morphs into a frog that's about a third of its former size. Thank you, Holly.

And at the end of that round, Holly, you've managed to smuggle three truths past the rest of the panel, which are that Peruvians believe there's nothing so likely to get you in the mood for sexy times than popping a frog in a blender and necking the delicious slurry. It's commonly known as Peruvian Viagra and sells for about 90 cents from restaurants or street vendors. Viagra and sells for about 90 cents from restaurants or street vendors. The second truth is that Victorians would give each other festive cards with pictures of frogs murdering one another on the front. When the Hapenny stamp was introduced in the 1870s and sending Christmas cards was affordable for almost everyone, many of the cards sent featured images we'd consider macabre and distinctly un-Christmassy. Examples included frogs stabbing one another,

children boiled in teapots, dead robins, man-eating snowmen, and a group of natterly-dressed rats sharpening knives and settling down to a meal of roast cat. Or, you know, you could have a nice one of Father Christmas injecting heroin. The third truth is that the paradoxical frog that you rightly identified, Louisa, grunts like a pig.

And that means you've scored three points. Each country's language has its own interpretation for the sound a frog makes. For instance, in Japan, they go kero kero. In Poland, they go hum-cum and in France they go oh mad sailor chef during the winter the Canadian wood frog freezes itself into a solid block of ice much like a pensioner on a standard variable tariff with n-power next up is Louisa O'Mealan Louisa is known for the euphoric party atmosphere of her live gigs with people dancing in the aisles after the

show I was going to go to one but there was a documentary on the Plantagenet on BBC for Louisa your subject is paper a material manufactured in thin sheets typically used for writing printing printing, cleaning, wrapping or decorating. Off you go, Louisa. In the wild, paper only has two natural enemies, rock and scissors. Post-it notes were created by Sir William Post after he had a terrible accident with a pot of glue and a pad of paper. His first note that he wrote on the post-it note said, stop having accidents with glue. His second note said, should not be peeled from the bottom.

Post-it notes were originally black. Richard. Were post-it notes originally black? No. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. It's worth noting that there are no trees in toilet paper, no wall in wallpaper, no sand in sandpaper, and no actual backs in

paperback, except the spine, but that doesn't count. Richard. Is there not sand in sandpaper? Yes, there is not sand in sandpaper. Correct, yes. Yes, sandpaper doesn't contain sand, but sharp-edged minerals such as white quartz, emery, aluminium oxide, silicon, and garnet. During the Aztec civilization, paper was a highly prized gift,

although no-one knows exactly what gift wrap it came in. Jack? It is the Aztecs said they liked being given paper for their presents. No. No, they didn't. I think they had a sort of basic form of paper, but it wasn't a highly prized gift. Not really.

Yeah, they didn't like it. Do they still do chocolate bars called Aztecs? I don't know. By day, do you mean just generally, or the Aztecs themselves? Not the Aztecs, no, but there used to be one you used to get, didn't there? There was an Aztec bar. Long gone, I'm afraid. Long gone, is it? Sort of like, we've wandered into

an old people's house. That's very much the vibe this radio station goes for. Which is why they won't like the fact that I used the word vibe. They weren't that long ago, Aztecs. You don't have to be old to remember Aztecs. They were thousands of years ago. No, Aztecs, we lost them in the 80s. Personally, I don't like the new variations on dairy milk

that have come out. Oh, come on, they're amazing. Bits of marshmallow, it's disgusting. Yeah, well, that was... Thank you, thank you. Shall I keep going? I don't know. I think we should...

In the colder regions of Norway, toilet paper comes with a TOG rating. Whereas in China, people burn money at funerals so the dead person will be rich in the afterlife. Richard? Yes, they do. Yes, they do. They also leave up cigarettes for them too. Do they? Yeah. Well, I mean, why not if you're already dead? Yeah. It's just the expense that's the worry then.

Try getting a light in a crematorium as well looks wrong to get a light off the actual doesn't it you know people don't think it's respectful crepe paper is what the queen calls toilet paper buckingham palace goes through eight miles of toilet paper a week, whereas the average British family uses 22 miles of toilet... That's a lie. I changed it, sorry. Hang on. You may have dropped a tiny clue there, but... Go back to Buckingham Palace.

I have to, but then they'll know. The alternative to your having dropped a huge clue is not just to not read it out at all. Oh, fine. OK. Buckingham Palace? Goes through eight miles of toilet paper a week. Jack?

I think it's true. That's not true. No. Richard? The next bit. OK. Whereas the average British family uses 20 miles of toilet paper a year. Yeah, that one.

Yes, that's right, Richard. Yeah. According to tissue industry figures, Britons use over 20 miles of loo paper per year, per family. Doesn't it make you proud? The world's most expensive toilet paper will set you back £825,000 a roll, and it comes hand-delivered with a bottle of champagne. The only problem is, once you see the bill, you'll get such a shock,

you'll need another two rolls. Thank you, Louisa. get such a shock, you'll need another two rolls. Thank you, Louisa. And at the end of that round, Louisa, you've managed to smuggle two truths past the rest of the panel, which are that post-it notes should not be peeled from the bottom. But you do peel them from the bottom.

No, you peel them from the top. Yeah, peel them from the top. You're actually supposed to peel them from the side. You go across. Laterally. No, but from the top of the pile. Peilio'r rhain o'r top? Ie, peilio'r rhain o'r top. Dwi'n dweud, dwi'n dweud, dwi'n dweud, dwi'n dweud, dwi'n dweud, dwi'n dweud, dwi'n dweud, dwi'n dweud, dwi'n dweud, dwi'n dweud, dwi'n dweud, dwi'n dweud, dwi'n dweud, dwi'n dweud, dwi'n dweud, dwi'n dweud, dwi'n dweud, dwi'n dweud, dwi'n dweud, dwi'n dweud, dwi'n dweud, dwi'n dweud, dwi'n dweud, dwi'n dweud, dwi'n dweud, dwi'n dweud, dwi'n dweud, dwi'n dweud, dwi'n dweud, dwi'n dweud, dwi'n dweud, dwi'n dweud, dwi'n dweud, dwi'n dweud, dwi'n dweud, dwi'n dweud, dwi'n dweud, dwi'n dweud, dwi'n dweud, dwi'n dweud, dwi'n dweud, dwi'n dweud, dwi'n dweud, dwi'n dweud, dwi'n dweud, dwi'n dweud, dwi'n dweud, dwi'n dweud, dwi'n dweud, dwi'n dweud, dwi'n dweud, dwi'n d to peel a post-it note in order to avoid curling one side of the adhesive coated top is to peel the note side to side. The second truth is that the world's most expensive toilet paper will set you back £825,000 a roll and comes hand-delivered with a bottle of champagne. It's a three-ply toilet roll infused with 22-carat gold flakes. That means, Louisa, you've scored two points. An American toilet manufacturer has created toilet paper made from hay,

perfect for people for whom normal toilet paper doesn't shred enough of their anus. It's now the turn of Jack D, the only comedian here tonight who's been doing stand-up for so long that he actually has material about Britain's entry into the European Union. Your subject, Jack, is parrots, hook-billed tropical birds, usually brightly coloured, which have the ability to mimic human speech

and are commonly kept as pets. Off you go, Jack. According to her book on household management, Mrs Beaton once had a dozen parrots which she covered with puff pastry and baked in the oven at 200 degrees, but Dinah's claims it repeated on them. Other celebrity parrot owners have included

Marcel Marceau, Amy Winehouse, Buzz Aldrin and Holly Willoughby, who actually owns a pet parrot named Philip Schofield. Richard. Buzz Aldield. Richard. Buzz Aldrin. No. Fair enough.

I should have gone... Aldrin. The parrotfish is so called because of its extensive vocabulary. A parrotfish named Percival regularly delights visitors to Roseanne's Beachside Bar in the Maldives with his regular catchphrase of, put me back in the water, I can't breathe. In 1995, Henry the parrot was banned from a bowls club in Leamington Spa because his repeated shrieks of, you're a yard short, a yard short,

were irritating players. Louisa. Parrot was banned. Parrot was banned, correct, yes. It was reported in several newspapers in 1995 how Henry, a noisy, bad-tempered parrot, was banned by officials from a national women's lawn bowls championship in Leamington Spa

for laughing and making disrespectful remarks. He regularly commented on matches and was known to scream repeatedly, ''You're a yard short!'' In the 1890s, the Paterson's Scotch Whiskey Company trained 500 parrots to say, Buy Paterson's Whiskey, and distributed the parrots for free to UK pubs.

Louisa. They did train the parrots. They did train the parrots, yeah. Did I get that right? Yeah, yeah. Yes. In 1897, Scottish brothers Robert and Walter Patterson spent £20,000 on advertising their new whisky,

which was a massive sum in those days. One of their stunts involved training 500 African grey parrots to repeat phrases such as, Patterson's whisky is best. I'm getting great use out of this impression. Buy Patterson's whisky. Before sending out their... It also works as the witch from Snow White. Before sending out their... It also works as the witch from Snow White.

Before sending out their travelling salesman to give the Parrots a way to pub owners up and down the country. Unfortunately, the company went bankrupt in 1898. Snooker player John Parrot's name is actually a pseudonym which he adopted to make himself sound more memorable. He was actually born Gonzales Flamingo. There's also a parrot gospel quartet called Feathers From Heaven, a quintet who used to sing unaccompanied in a department store in Delhi

but were dismissed for tearing up soft furnishings. Richard, maybe is that true, the quintet? No. You didn't hear the end bit? No, no, no, it's all right. But the end bit would have helped you decide whether that was true or not. OK. A quintet who used to sing unaccompanied in a department store in Delhi

but were dismissed for tearing up soft furnishings, they were a Hacker Pillow group. There you go. And a death metal band called Hatebeak, whose lead singer is an African grey parrot. Holly. Yes. Correct. Yes. Death metal band Hatebeak is fronted by a 21-year-old African grey parrot called Waldo.

Hatebeak's albums include Birdseeds of Vengeance and Number of the Beak. A New Zealand parrot is large and strong enough to mount the back of a sheep and tear out the fat round its kidneys while it's still alive. I reckon they could do that you know. Yeah they could and they do. How do they know that you've got fatty kidneys? How would they pick up... and they do. How do they know that you've got fatty kidneys? How would they pick up... I don't have fatty kidneys.

So for them, counting sheep is like looking at Yo Sushi. It's harder to get to sleep counting sheep, I suppose, if you rely on the fat around their kidneys for your survival. Jack. It's absolutely seamless, if I may say so. Parrots differ from owls in that males are known to court their partners for several

weeks before mating. In fact, if a male owl meets a male parrot, he'll sometimes mock him by saying, to wit to woo. That joke came with a paper hat and a novelty key ring. Thank you, Jack. And at the end of that round, Jack, you've managed to smuggle one truth past the rest of the panel,

which is that, according to her book on household management, Mrs Beaton once had a dozen parrots which she covered with puff pastry and baked in the oven at 200 degrees. Her best-selling book of household management included this recipe for parrot pie, and that means, Jack, you've scored one point. Which brings us to the final scores.

In fourth place, with minus four points, we have Jack D. In third place, with minus three points, it's Louisa Omelan. In second place, with no points, it's Holly Walsh. And in first place, with an unassailable six points, it's this week's winner, Richard Osman. That's about it for this week. Goodbye. The Unbelievable Truth was devised by John Naismith and Graham Garden and featured David Mitchell in the chair,

with panellists Jack Dean, Holly Walsh, Louisa O'Mealan and Richard Osman. The German script was written by Dan Gaster and Colin Swash and the producer was John Neskow. It was a random production for BBC Radio 4.