The Unbelievable Truth - 22x05 Kings, Snakes, Make Up, Hats

Episode Date: February 19, 2022

22x05 29 April 2019 Tony Hawks, Sindhu Vee, Susan Calman, Graeme Garden Kings, Snakes, Make Up, Hats

We present The Unbelievable Truth, the panel game built on truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. Hello and welcome to The Unbelievable Truth, the panel show about incredible truths and barely credible lies. I'm David Mitchell. With us here this week, I see four cheery, smiling faces, which, out of an audience of 430, is a bit disappointing. Please welcome Tony Hawke, Sindhu V, Graham Garden and

Susan Calman. The rules are as followed. Each panellist will present a short lecture that should be entirely false, save for five hidden truths which their opponent should try to identify. Points are scored by truths that go unnoticed, while other panellists can

win points if they spot a truth, or lose points if they mistake a lie for a truth. First up is Tony Hawks. Tony, your subject is kings, male monarchs who inherit their position by birth. Off you go, Tony. Fingers on buzzers, the rest of you. Most kings choose their queens on the quality of their first names. King John's wife was called Lily, King Alfred's wife was called Sharon, King Herod's wife was called Doris, and King Canut's wife was dyslexic. Susan. Yes. Lily. No, no. King John's wife was called Isabella. Graham. I'm going to go with Doris.

Correct. Yes, King Herod's wife was called Doris. A Greek name. She was the first of Herod's ten wives. German King Otto the Unhealthy, founder of the city of Hamburg, is known to residents as the Burger King. All French kings were delusional. King Louis XIII thought he was a fish, King Philip IV imagined himself to be a tree, King Charles VI believed he was made of glass, and King

Emmanuel Macron believed he was popular. Susan. Right, so we've got a tree, a glass... And a fish. And a fish. So it's one of them, and what I'll do is I'll say something and then Graham will buzz in and get the right answer because that's how the show's going, quite frankly.

I think it's between a tree and a fish. Tree? Fish? Hang on. Fish. I see you've unilaterally introduced an ask to the audience. Fish. He found a fish.

King Louis XIII thought he was a fish, is what you're saying is true. When you say it like that, it sounds slightly foolish. I'll try and say it more. Yes, he thought he was a... King Louis XIII thought he was a fish. Does that make it sound more plausible? Yeah. That's, I'm afraid, not true.

Oh, Graham! The king who thought he was glass. Yes, correct. Correct. Obviously, effectively, you're using Susan as your 50-50. Yes, King Charles VI, also known, and this might have been a clue, as Charles the Mad. King Charles was reported to have wrapped himself in blankets

to prevent his buttocks from breaking and to have reinforced his clothes with metal rods to prevent his body shattering into a million pieces. When any king is in Prague, he is said to be in Czech, and he has to move, otherwise no-one will mate with him. By law, all kings have to have nicknames. That's why, over the years, we've had such extraordinary kings as Einstein the Fart,

Hoftan the Bad Entertainer, Dragutin the Tedious, Sverker the Misunderstood, Cedric the Poxridden, Boris the Prat, Creole the Coconut, and Conan the Librarian. Go on, Susan, have a go.

Susan, yeah. Yeah, sure, love to. a go. Susan, yes. Yeah, sure, love to. You clear the way for Graham. Do you know, it's a role I'm delighted to take on. I think it's the bad entertainer thingamabob. That's absolutely right. Yes! Yes!

Yes, King Halfdan the Bad Entertainer, also known as Halfdan the Mild, was renowned for the lack of food, drink or entertainment afforded to his men. As well as having to have nicknames by law, kings also have to interfere sexually with everyone they come across. Initially, this convention was not understood throughout Europe, and when Kaiser Wilhelm II slapped the King of Bulgaria on the bottom, he lost his country a valuable arms contract.

Sindhu. Something about the slapping bottom that he did it. That's absolutely right about the slapping bottom, yeah. During a state visit to Berlin in 1909, Kaiser Wilhelm slapped Ferdinand of Bulgaria's bottom in public and refused to apologise. It wasn't the first time the Kaiser had insulted Ferdinand of Bulgaria, having previously made fun of his beaky nose and spread rumours that he was hermaphrodite. Ben E. King was the only white member of the Drifters.

His song Stand By Me was written for his five-year-old son who used to wander off in the post office. Thank you, Tony. And at the end of that round, Tony, you've managed to smuggle one truth past the rest of the panel, which is that there was a king called Einstein the Fart. Or Einstein the Fart. Einstein the Fart was an 8th century king of Norway,

but his nickname is generally believed to refer to him being a windy loudmouth rather than to any flatulence on Einstein's part. And that means, Tony, you've scored one point. King Charles VI of France kept complaining that he was made of glass. Most people saw straight through him. Actually got another version of that joke. See if you like it more, or even less. King Charles VI of France believed he was made of glass when he found out he wasn't he was shattered I

Mean that's just wrong Should have liked that one less shattered. It's not an expression for being sort of shocked. It means you're tired. I Mean well done. Another public vote goes wrong. OK, we turn now to Sindhu V. Sindhu's second name is actually Venkat Narayanan. Little tip for anyone introducing her. Don't start with the words,

give us a V. Sindhu, your subject is snakes. Any of numerous long, limbless, scaly, carnivorous reptiles, some with a venomous bite. Off you go, Sindhu. Snakes have no bones. Their bodies are made from a combination of plasticine and pure evil. Snake bite symptoms range from the reversal of puberty,

instant baldness, infatuation with the oboe, bleeding from every orifice, the inability to whistle, complete shedding of the skin, and worse still, rapid onset of an Australian accent. Susan. accent. Susan. I think probably bleeding

through every orifice would be something that might happen if one was bitten by a snake. You're absolutely right. Oh, yes! Yes. A bite from a boom slang snake can cause bleeding to the gums, nose and other orifices,

as well as pre-existing cuts and scratches. Even a slight scratch will bleed profusely. Many bite victims report seeing with a yellow tinge, which may be due to bleeding inside the eyes. Death usually takes anywhere from three to five days. Lovely. Snake autopsies have revealed a huge range of items inside any one of their eight stomachs. These include a ruby belonging to Queen Victoria,

a first edition of Goldfinger, Paul Daniel's stage wig, and a £12 bowling ball. Tony. I'm going for the £pound bowling ball. Tony? I'm going for the 12-pound bowling ball. Nope. Why would a snake eat that? What do they think it was? A large melon? You see, you've held back quite a while, haven't you? Before ridiculing one of your team. But what you have failed to notice

is that quite a lot of the truths are ludicrously implausible and that sometimes it's best to go for the silliest ones in order to get the points. Well, I'll be fascinated to see how that strategy pans out. A few weeks back, not that well. Snakes can be trained to count to the number six. Scientists believe they won't go any further as they tend to get self-conscious about their lisps.

Susan. They can count up to six. Nope. See, that was a sensible guess, though. There are people composing their emails complaining about the way you ridicule me as I speak. I can see you working your phone with your other hand. Cindy.

Snakes emit odours variously reminiscent of minty toothpaste, freshly mown grass, pineapple, toilet duck, cucumber, ripe camembert and that new car smell. I just became confused by the list. Should I buzz it or not? You have to commit the buzz. Graham has buzzed. I choose pineapple.

No. No. Susan has now buzzed. Camembert. I'm afraid not Tony don't say something stupid I'm just

I'm just you know you're on the radio mate you know well we all know come on we've just been messing around. We know it's freshly mown grass. I'm afraid not. Famous snake owners include Bradley Walsh, Prince Edward,

Edward Woodward and Latin singer-songwriter Lou Bega, who collects dancing mambas. His mamba number five became an international sensation But animal lover Chris Packham won't have one in the house As he's a lifelong snake hater And has even gone so far as to start a website Called Chris Packham's Snake Out. I do not recommend you Google an image search for that phrase.

In 1972, Durex launched a range of genuine snakeskin condoms in Australia. Terry. I withdraw my challenge. He wants to practice withdrawal. I don't want you to feel intimidated by Susan. All right, I'm going for the Australian snakeskin condoms. I mean, I think if you thought again... LAUGHTER Well, I tried to. I think what I like to think of as the real Tony would know that's not true. So, it's not, have it. We'll move on.

LAUGHTER The garter snake was originally used in the manufacture of suspenders. The milk of the milk snake is highly prized for its full body and creaminess and is enjoyed by Venezuelans in their coffee. Sorry. Now, look, I'm going for this because it's entirely plausible that the Venezuelans could enjoy the snake. I know snakes don't produce milk.

And that that is the flaw in the challenge. But every other aspect of it is beautiful. To such a degree that I'm not withdrawing the challenge, and I'm going with it. Well, that's very public-spirited of you. Brady, it isn't true. There is a milk snake, but it doesn't produce milk. As you rightly say, no snakes do.

It gets its name from the myth that it feeds on milk sucked from cow's udders. In India, there's no love lost for snakes. However charming they think they might be, we know better, which is why snake charming is illegal in India. Susan. Snake charming is illegal in India. It is indeed. The Indian government has been trying to rehabilitate snake charmers

by turning them into snake rescuers. Instead of performing at festivals, the snake charmers can be called in to remove venomous snakes from city and suburban gardens. Can I just jump in and say it's absolutely not working. In India there's snake charmers everywhere. Yeah, they're everywhere. And so if you do have a snake in your house, which can happen, then you need to call them. And then they come and they take it away. And presumably they keep them in the house for the milk, do they? You know what's so interesting is that we feed snakes milk. It's a huge thing.

It's a big occasion. It's a religious thing. I've seen snakes drink milk, but I've never seen snakes produce milk for coffee or anything else for that matter. Logically, if they could produce it, they wouldn't be so drawn to it, in the same way if they could make their own bowling balls. Yes. could produce it they wouldn't be so drawn to it in the same way if they could make their own bowling balls yes they mistook the bowling ball for a head you idiot cindy while in new zealand snakes of any kind are illegal. Snakes consistently nest in the oddest of places. They've been rescued from the International Space Station,

from inside the wires that connect the Internet to the mains, and even from the 18th floor of Trump Tower. However, that particular snake was identified as Donald Trump's personal lawyer. Tony. There is a truth in one of those. It's either the Space station or the intranet thing. That's as far as I've got so far. What was the wording of the intranet one? They've been rescued from the International Space Station from inside the wires that connect It's not looking that good so far. I think the International Space Station is suddenly seeming very plausible.

No, surprisingly, Tony, they haven't been found. You'd certainly imagine they would have done. Graham. Trump Tower. No. Should have been. Yes. And I'm not going for the wires that connect the internet. Well, that's the end of Sindhu's lecture. And at the end of that round, Sindhu, you've managed to smuggle three truths past the rest of the panel, which are that one snake bite symptom is the reversal of puberty. A bite from a Russell's pit viper can cause a sort of reverse puberty in adults,

losing their sex drive, fertility, armpit and pubic hair. It's all because the viper's venom can cause bleeding in the pituitary gland, which secretes hormones that help to control growth and sex organ functions. The second truth is that there's a snake that emits a cucumber scent odour. When touched, the copperhead snake gives off a scent reminiscent of freshly cut cucumbers. And the third truth is that in New Zealand, snakes of any kind are illegal. And that means, Sindhu, you've scored three points. of any kind are illegal.

And that means, Sindhu, you've scored three points. In Vietnam, if you order cobra blood from a restaurant menu, the waiter will take a live cobra, kill it on the spot, drain the blood into a shot glass of rice wine and top it off with the cobra's still beating heart for you to gulp down

while asking, have you ever been to a harvester before? Next up is Susan Calman, the thinking man's Jeanette Cranky. Susan, your subject is make-up. Cosmetics such as foundation, lipstick, eye shadow or mascara, which is applied to the face and intended to enhance or alter the appearance. Off you go, Susan. Make-up is something that automatically makes me 43% more attractive.

At least, that's what scientists say. Tony. Has there been some research somewhere in the world saying that you become 43% more attractive. Surprisingly, there hasn't been. Can I have an update on my score? I think it's best that we don't. You know in sport they can do that sort of betting as the match is going on.

Oh, there's a huge market for that on this show. Yeah, because I'm not sure I'd be getting that many people betting. Well, it could be that I was taking money, actually. Absolutely. I mean, that's the only explanation. Well, in that case, the joke's on you, isn't it? Yes, I think. See you soon. Like most of us, the Romans believed our eyelashes fall out due to too much sex, so they used coal to make their lashes look fuller and less tarty.

Tindu. Did they use coal to do things to their eyes? They did use coal to do things to their eyes, and indeed, more than that, they thought that eyelashes fell out due to too much sex. Pliny the Elder observed of eyelashes, it is said that sexual excess causes them to drop off, not undeservedly. And so having thick, long eyelashes was regarded as a demonstration of chastity. China executes people and then harvests collagen from their bodies to sell to cosmetics companies in the West.

Nightingale droppings are used in face creams and cat urine is used in eye cream because the smell makes the eyes of the user open even wider. Tony? Nightingales. Correct. Yes, I mean, you're trying to look pleased, but you've let the syndicate down there. Yes, I mean, you're trying to look pleased, but you've let the syndicate down there.

True lipstick comes from the small French town of L'Iv'stige. It has a creamy consistency like a good goat's cheese, which is handy as women swallow and digest most of the lipstick they apply. Graham. I think women probably do swallow most of the lipstick they put on. You're absolutely right. They do, yeah. Yes, a 2005 study revealed that in an average female lipstick wearer's lifetime, she is likely to consume more than a kilo and a half of lipstick.

Botox was originally made by one family in Dublin. Sorry. The old Botoxes. And even now, almost all the Botox in the world is made in a single factory in Ireland. Makeup is brilliant and so cheap, I'm so pleased I have to wear it to make my face acceptable. Thank you, Susan.

And at the end of that round, Susan, you've managed to smuggle two truths past the rest of the panel, which are that China executes people and then harvests collagen from their bodies to sell to cosmetics companies in the West. An agent from one Chinese cosmetic company insisted that the use of skin from condemned convicts is, quote, traditional,

and, quote, nothing to make such a big fuss about. And the second truth is that almost all the Botox in the world is made in a single factory in Ireland. All officially branded Botox is produced in the town of Westport, where the manufacturer Allergen's factory is based. And that means, Susan, you've scored two points. It's now the turn of Graham Garden. Graham recently acquired a pacemaker.

Why he's trying to set middle-distance running records, I have no idea. Your subject, Graham, is hats. Coverings for the head, usually worn outdoors. Off you go, Graham. As the old saying has it, a hat is the window to the soul. As usual, David is wearing his top hat. The top hat originally got its name because it looked like a chimney pot, and pot hats became all the rage.

Then, like baseball caps, people started wearing them back to front, and the pot hat became the top hat. David's topper reveals his sense of superiority, but he also has a wild side, indicated by the peacock feather in the hat band and his tinted monocle. side, indicated by the peacock feather in the hat band and his tinted monocle. Now, David may recall that King George VI's wedding was not broadcast on the wireless in case men listened without removing their hats. Susan?

Yeah? You're right. Yes, a plan by the BBC for a live radio transmission of George VI's wedding to Elizabeth Bowes Lyons was vetoed by Westminster Abbey clergy who are concerned that the royal wedding was likely to be broadcast in pubs and that those listening might not remove their hats. Style icon Tony Hawks is today sporting a natty pork pie hat with a dollop of Branston pickle.

Another English dandy, Beau Brummel, never used to raise his hat to a lady because he was worried that he wouldn't be able to replace it at precisely the same jaunty angle. Susan. Yeah, go on. Correct. Yes. The bear skins worn by the Royal Horse Artillery need to be regularly trimmed as the hair keeps growing,

especially if they've been in the rain. Cindy. They have to trim their hats because they keep growing in the rain. That's... I think the same cartel is bribing Tony. No, that's not true. What a ludicrous thing to say. Star Trek fanatic Susan Kalman

has boldly gone for a tartan space helmet. A Tammo Shatner. This... This... This... This reflects her girly personality. A 17-year-old girl tried to smuggle an endangered chameleon through customs at Manchester Airport by wearing it as a hat. When she was stopped by customs officers,

she told them it was a joke, but they couldn't see it. Susan. I think it's plausible that a girl would wear a chameleon. Oh, God, please don't mock me like you've been mocking Tony. A chameleon on her head. Obviously, it's a ridiculous thing to believe. Yes. But on this occasion, it's true.

One onlooker said, I was completely amazed. The animal was just sat on her head. At first I thought it was plastic, but then I saw it flick its tongue out. By the way, travellers would do well to remember that it's forbidden in Madagascar for pregnant women to eat eels or wear hats.

In the 17th century, biggins were a popular form of headgear. They were called biggins because they were large, round and frequently felt. The bowler hat got its name because it looked similar to a bowling ball. Originally, it had three finger holes in the crown. And if you wore a bowler hat in India, there was a danger of being eaten by a snake. Tony. The last thing was true.

And that's the end of Graham's lecture. And at the end of that round, Graham, you've managed to smuggle two truths past the rest of the panel, which are that it's forbidden in Madagascar for pregnant women to eat eels or wear hats. And the second truth is that in the 17th century, big ins were a popular form of headgear. Big ins were plain, close-fitting nightcaps

often tied under the chin, usually worn by children in the 16th and 17th centuries. And that means, Graham, you've scored two points. The dunce's cap was invented by students who believed that it could funnel God's wisdom into their heads. Obviously, it didn't work, as they were such dunces they even got the concept of a funnel upside down. Which brings us to the final scores.

In fourth place... ..with minus six points, we have the spectre of match-fixing in the form of Tony Hawks. spectre of match-fixing in the form of Tony Hawks. In third place with one point, it's Sindhu V. In second place with three points, it's Graham

Garden. And in first place with an unassailable four points is this week's winner, Susan Calman. That's about it for this week. Goodbye. The Unbelievable Truth was devised by John Naismith and Graham Garden and featured David Mitchell in the chair with panellists Graham Garden, Tony Hawkes, Susan Calman and Cindy V. The chairman's script was written by Dan Gaster and Colin Swash Thank you.