The Unbelievable Truth - 22x06 Time, Driving, The Spice Girls, Scotland

Episode Date: February 19, 2022

22x06 6 May 2019 Henning Wehn, Lucy Porter, Lou Sanders, Frankie Boyle Time, Driving, The Spice Girls, Scotland

We present The Unbelievable Truth, the panel game built on truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. Hello and welcome to The Unbelievable Truth, the panel show about incredible truths and barely credible lies. I'm David Mitchell. Please welcome Henning Vein, Lou Sanders, Frankie Boyle and Lucy Porter. The rules are as follows. Each panellist will present a short lecture that should be entirely false,

save for five hidden truths which their opponent should try to identify. Points are scored by truths that go unnoticed, while other panellists can win points if they spot a truth, or lose points if they mistake a lie for a truth. First up is Henning Vane. Henning, your subject is time, the measured or measurable period during which an action, process or condition exists or continues. Off you go, Henning. Fingers on buzzers, the measured or measurable period during which an action, process or condition exists or continues. Off you go, Henning. Fingers on buzzers, the rest of you. To quote Goethe, time is a great teacher,

but unfortunately it kills all its pupils. But what is time? I'll explain that in a jiffy. A jiffy is about 1.3 billionth of a second. A jiffy bag is called that because this is how long it takes the postman to nick your mail order. Lucy? Is a jiffy an official thing?

It is an official thing, yes, and it is a one thirty billionth of a second. In chemistry and physics, a jiffy is defined as the time light takes to travel one centimetre, or one thirty-billionth of a second. So, Welder? It's now time to tell you what time is. Or is it? There is no scientific way to prove that time exists. Ironically, the scientists working on this are paid by the hour. It's time and a half on Saturdays.

Frankie? There isn't a scientific way to prove that time exists. No, there isn't. You're absolutely right. Yeah. Yes, no scientific experiment has ever been done or indeed could be done to prove that time exists. In fact, quantum physics has many experiments designed to demonstrate that time,

as we know and measure it in everyday life Doesn't actually exist at all time passes more slowly for your feet than for your head Time runs slower at the center of the earth Giraffes in a supersonic aircraft flying through the center of the earth are among the most confused animals on the planet Do you think science is a useful subject well Well, when it comes to time, it is completely useless. You'd be better off doing home economics, as then, when your casserole is burned, you'll know too much time has passed.

Lucy? I mean, if your casserole is burned, too much time has passed. I mean, I know I'm just desperately... It depends on how you like it, isn't it? Is it the case that if we've already established time doesn't exist, isn't it, that too much heat has gone into the casserole? Yes, well, I think that's a good reason not to give you a point for an inadvertent truth.

It's not about time, it's about heat. Grin, which cannot fully get its head round concepts like proportional representation or double glazing, is for some reason allowed to be in charge of all the world's time. If you want to change the time in your country, you have to

apply to the Greenwich Observatory and closing a cheque for £26.50, which the postman will steal in a jiffy. Well, for this reason, some countries can't afford more than one time zone, whereas others are just throwing money away. Nicaragua has three time zones,

even though it's the size of a pea. China gets by with just one, even though it covers more of the Earth's surface than any other country. Frankie, has China gone with one time zone? It has, yeah. China gets by with just one, even though it covers more of the Earth's surface than any other country. Frankie? Has China gone with one time zone? It has, yeah. Just one time zone.

And it's, by all means, clap. Yes, China is not, as Henning said, the largest country, but the third largest country in the world, but it only has one time zone. This means that during the summer, it isn't uncommon for people in the Western city of Urumqi to witness a sunset at midnight. And when crossing the border into Afghanistan

from Western China, you'll need to put your watch back three and a half hours. If it's 5 p.m. in Afghanistan and you cross the border into China, glance at your smartphone, you'll be surprised to find that it has been confiscated. Gwblhau'r ffôn smart, byddwch yn ddiddorol i ddod o hyd i fod wedi cael ei gyflawni. Mae'r enw amser yn y llyfr Saesneg yn y ffordd mwyaf i'w ddefnyddio. Nid yw unrhyw un yn gwybod beth mae'n ei olygu, beth mae'n ei olygu neu os yw'n digwydd.

Felly mae'n debyg iawn i Brexit. Ond mae llawer mwy o ffeithiau ddiddorol am amser fel... O, diolch. Rhaid i mi ffwrdd o amser. Diolch, Henning. fel... O, diolch. Rhaid i mi ffwrdd â'r amser. Diolch, Henning. Ar ddiwedd y rhan hon, Henning, rydych chi wedi llwyddo dau gwirionedd yn ystod yr oes gan y panel.

Mae'r amser yn mynd yn fwy'n sylweddol i'ch gân na'ch gân. Mae'r ddeiriaeth o'r Einstein yn dweud bod ymlaen i'ch bod yn y canol o'r ddaear, mae'r amser yn mynd yn sylweddol. Mae'n anodd iawn i'w deall. Efallai y bydd yn helpu pan dwi'n dweud bod ar y top o Mount Everest, byddai blwyddyn yn bythu tua 15 ms yn gyflym na'r lefel môl. Felly mae hynny'n glir. Ond yn amlwg, mae'n rhaid i chi ddatblygu hynny gyda'r meddwl

nad ydym yn gallu ddweud bod amser yn digwydd, a'r peth am y caserole. Felly... Yn fawr. A'r gwirionedd ail yw bod y gair amser and the thing about the casserole. So, you know. And the second truth is that the word time is the most commonly used noun in the English language, according to the Oxford English Dictionary. I mean, over the past two and a half years,

I've got a suspicion there is another word that's more used than any other. Can we say it on the radio? Brexit? No, we can't. And that means, Henning, you've scored two points. The Incas measured units of time by how long it took to cook a potato. Just one of the reasons why it's so hard to follow an Incan recipe book.

Cook your potato for as long as it takes to cook a potato. Cook your potato for as long as it takes to cook a potato. Daydapple is an old Irish term for the time of day when a person can no longer be distinguished from a bush, also known as dogging o'clock. OK, we turn now to Lucy Porter. Lucy, your subject is driving, the controlled operation and movement of a vehicle. Off you go, Lucy.

The first car journey is believed to have occurred in 120,000 BC when a caveman placed a log in between four boulders and used them to roll down a hill. He frightened himself so badly that he had a bit of an accident in his wolfskin pants. The caveman's name, Stig of the Dump, which, by the way, is how Top Gear's The Stig gets his name. The world's second car was driven by an Egyptian prince

called Nige El Mansell. Frankie. Did The Stig get his name from Stig of the Dump? No, it derives from producer Andy Willman and Jeremy Clarkson's time at Repton School where new boys had always been called Stig. Oh, God. Yes, I mean...

I know people kind of hate their new show, but I think as they get older and their motor reflexes decline and cars get faster, this could all go somewhere really good. Do you think it'll all turn out to be a prequel to Last Of The Summer Wine? The world's fastest car is called the Honda Synapse, which can travel at twice the speed of thought. The largest drink-driving fine in British history

was awarded to a Mr Ant McPartlin of Newcastle. Henning? Well, for drink-driving, the penalty is like several times, several weeks' pay, isn't it? That's how they determine it. And seeing he's on good money, so probably that was the highest drink-driving fine. That's excellent analysis, Henning.

Yes, you're absolutely right. Yes, he was given what's believed to be the biggest drink-driving fine in British history, although it certainly wasn't several weeks' pay, because the court was told he earned £130,000 a week and was fined only £86,000. So, yeah, under a week's pay, just Monday to Wednesday. Makes you want to do it, doesn't it? No, I'm joking. I mean, obviously, it's a very it? No, I'm joking. I mean, obviously it's a very sad

situation with Ant McParland, but at least we now know which one is Ant. Speaking of celebrity, let's not forget famous celebrity cars. We all remember Dick Van Dyke flying around in his iconic vehicle Happy Slappy Bum Bum. While the Pope drives around We all remember Dick Van Dyke flying around in his iconic vehicle, happy slappy bum bum. While the Pope drives around in his blue Ford Focus,

which features its own confessional screen between the front seats. Frankie? Does the Pope have a blue Ford Focus? He does indeed. Well done. Yes, Pope Francis drives a 2008 Ford Focus with cloth seats in keeping with the humble lifestyle he encourages the clergy to live by. See, that's nice, but I've only got a Ford Fusion, which is one down from a Focus.

Yeah, well, you're not the Pope, are you? Not yet. I'm playing the long game for that one. Australia went through a period of offering a cash prize to anyone found behind the wheel when sober. While in Iceland, a driver may be stopped by the police for being under the influence of the Northern Lights.

If you happen to be one of those millennial vegan snowflakes, you are now able to drive in a vast array of cars powered by sustainable sources such as animal waste and terrible opinions. Terrible opinions have actually been fuelling most black cabs for about half a century. Penny?

There must be a car where they use animal waste, turn it into energy. Well, there are cars that do that, but I don't think there is a vast array of cars. This wasn't one of Lucy's truths, because't a vast just true but I was going to be lenient but then you were sarcastic certainly I'm not gonna charge you a point for that there are very true yeah but do you want a point don't you Hen? You think it's worth that? I mean, you have to decide that.

I know, I have to. I'm aware of my responsibilities. I mean, we all know what the right decision would be. Everyone in here knows, everyone at home knows, but... Yes, no, you're absolutely right. It would be petty of you to get the point. LAUGHTER Everyone expects driverless cars will make driving safer, although it has been revealed some self-driving cars

improve their driving skills by playing Grand Theft Auto. Henning. Well, they will with AI. In the optimisation process, they will have played some software into it and they probably had Grand Theft Auto in it. You're absolutely right. Yeah, well done.

In the Dutch Caribbean, cabs are forbidden from carrying diving equipment and musical instruments meaning that you can't take an uber when you scuba with your tuba in Aruba at the end of that round Lucy you you've managed to smuggle two truths which are that Australia went through a period of offering a cash prize to anyone found behind the wheel when sober. And the second truth is that in Iceland, a driver may be stopped by the police for being under the influence of the Northern Lights.

One driver told the police he saw the Aurora Borealis in the sky above him and couldn't stop looking. The police suggested he park his vehicle if he wished to continue gazing at the sky. And that means, Lucy, you've scored two points. The first drink-driving conviction was in ancient Rome when an inebriated charioteer

ran over a Vestal Virgin. In punishment, the driver was crucified, with one nail driven through his left hand, one through his right hand and one through his feet. That was when three points meant three points. Next up is Lou Sanders. One of Lou's first jobs was caring for animals in a pet shop. She left after fatally misunderstanding the instruction,

can you put down that baby rabbit? was caring for animals in a pet shop. She left after fatally misunderstanding the instruction, can you put down that baby rabbit? Lou, your subject is The Spice Girls, a UK all-girl pop group of the 1990s comprising Geri Halliwell, Melanie Chisholm, Emma Bunton, Melanie Brown and Victoria Adams. Off you go, Lou. OK, The Spice Girls. When the band, that's the Spice Girl band,

visited Nelson Mandela's house, the girls said meeting Nelson Mandela was their fourth best celebrity meet. However, Mr Mandela said that meeting the Spice Girls was one of the greatest moments of his life. Frankie? Mandela did say that that was the greatest moment of his life. He knows. He knows everything about the Spice Girls.

Oh, it's Frankie. Yes, that's absolutely right. When the Spice Girls, Frankie. Yes, that's absolutely right. When the Spice Girls met South African president Nelson Mandela in 1997, Mandela called the girls my heroines and said, I don't want to be emotional, but this is one of the greatest moments of my life. Despite the fact that during the visit, Mel B stole toilet roll and some stones from one of his pot plants,

Mandela later invited the girls to perform at his 89th and 90th birthday parties, but they declined both invitations. Lou. Victoria Beckham hasn't been seen in public since the noughties. She hires a body double and even David hasn't noticed. The real Victoria Beckham is in Butlins as a resident entertainer extraordinaire. been seen in public since the noughties she hires a body double and even david hasn't noticed the real victoria beckham is in butlins as a resident entertainer extraordinaire she calls herself carol carol and does close-up magic henry does victoria beckham have a body

double not as far as we know i assume there are look-alikes but just checking jerry hallowell's second marriage was annulled after she sung her own song wanna be at her I mean, they're like book-a-likes, but... Just checking. LAUGHTER Geri Halliwell's second marriage was annulled after she sung her own song, Wannabe, at her own wedding. This was followed by Carol Carroll doing some close-up magic. LAUGHTER Henning. Was her second marriage annulled? No, she's only married once.

Emma Bunton tried to start a cult, but it backfired when she lost belief in herself, and you really do need to be confident to get a cult licence. Henning. Did she...? I mean, I know very little about them, so it's all just wild guesses here, my ends. I'm like, Frankie, I didn't follow their career so closely. Did she start a cult?

No. No, she didn't. You've not met Emma Bunton. She wouldn't do that. Mousy was brought up as a Jehovah's Witness, which... No, no, no, no, let's start that again. It's giving you lots of thinking time. Mousy was brought up as a... Raised, I'll say, actually. I think that sounds better, doesn't it? It's the sort of thing that you should do at home and then bring it in, but anyway.

Mousy was raised as a Jehovah's Witness, a practice which she still dips in and out of today. Jerry Halliwell was in EastEnders for a while, playing the part of Dirty Den when he was off sick. Sorry, I did laugh at my own joke, but it was quite funny. And in another episode, Baby Spice played a mugger beating up an old man. Lucy. I think Emma Bunton was in the... Was it EastEnders? Yes, EastEnders.

Jehovah's Witnesses. She was... EastEnders, Henning, actually, is a television programme. Jehovah's Witnesses is a religion. And yes... You can be in both. You could be in both. You could be in both. Emma Bunton was in EastEnders. You're absolutely right, Lucy. And she played a mugger beating up an old man.

The band once got in a big argument with Duncan from Blue about his table manners, and Duncan reacted angrily by flipping the table upside down. Carol Carol thought it was a magic trick and started clapping. Do you remember Carol Carroll from earlier? Helen. I mean, I'm completely lost at sea. Did someone say he didn't know how to use knife and fork and then he flipped the table or something? No, that's not true. Okay. The outfits the ladies wore for Spice Up Your Life video

fetched a total of £1.2 million at a charity auction, which is weird, because back in my day, a lot of my school friends sold their pants for £2 a bop. Yeah, I'm on. I think I'd be better on radio, too. It's a younger crowd. I don't know. Frankie. Frankie.

True. True, yes. No, I think you definitely get a point there, Frankie. And in all honesty, it's of great concern to the commissioners. Victoria Beckham has a fear of electricity leaking ddwyloedd o leihau ei llwythoedd a'i pwyllgorau. Felly, mae'n amlwg bod ei mic wedi'i troi i lawr lle mae'r Spice Girls yn cymryd. Prynhawn i fod yn y Spice Girls, roedd Mel C yn dod i ddynu bwyl bwyd ar ddyn oedol am arian. Ac roedd Victoria Beckham yn dod i ddyn giant sperm on roller skates for a show on the BBC.

It was called Come Dancing. Thank you, Lou. And at the end of that round, Lou, you've managed to smuggle three truths past the rest of the panel, which are that Geri Halliwell sung her own song, Wannabe, at her own wedding. The second truth is that Victoria Beckham often had her mic turned off

while the Spice Girls performed. In an interview with Claudia Winkleman in 2016, Victoria Beckham revealed that she often had her mic turned off. Beckham admitted, they used to turn it off and just let the others sing. Luckily, because I used to wear heels, I just used to jig about a bit and I got away with it.

But it never came easily. And the third truth is that Victoria Beckham used to dress up as a giant sperm on roller skates for a show on the BBC. In 1986, a 12-year-old Victoria Beckham was dressed by the BBC as a giant sperm on roller skates before appearing in a sex education video for the show Body Matters. And funny old world, isn't it?

But I will remind you, time doesn't exist. And that means, Lou, you've scored three points. To celebrate being signed by Virgin, Victoria pulled her knickers off and threw them out of her taxi window. And she's the posh one. It's now the turn of Frankie Boyle. Frankie had a regular column in the Scottish Sun, a newspaper named after a mythical yellow ball that's once said to have appeared in the sky over Glasgow. Your subject, Frankie, is Scotland, a country forming the northernmost part of Great Britain,

famous for bagpipes, kilts and haggis. Off you go, Frankie. Scotland's national animal is the centaur and its national colour is ginger. The repeated spontaneous combustion of the Glasgow School of Art is now believed to be a manifestation of the city's habit of reflexively rejecting sources of beauty as if they were a poorly matched transplant organ. Indeed, Scotland has its own donor card, which reads, After my death, I'd like my liver to be put in a jar and used in cautionary school assemblies about lifestyle choices.

Or for jump-starting a barbecue. In Scotland, it is traditional for a woman to announce her pregnancy simply by switching to menthol cigarettes. LAUGHTER for a woman to announce her pregnancy simply by switching to menthol cigarettes. In 2007, the Scottish Parliament and the Tourist Board of Scotland spent £125,000 coming up with the slogan, Welcome to Scotland. They then spent another £125,000 on a firm of consultants who prepared a report for them entitled,

You've Been Ripped Off. Henny. I think I remember that. They paid that money for that slogan. Yes, you're absolutely right. Yeah. Yes, after a six-month, £125,000 campaign to replace the slogan,

Scotland the best small country in the world, it was finally revealed that the preferred suggestion from one of Scotland's top advertising agencies was, welcome to Scotland. Studies regularly show Scottish people to be the happiest in the world, largely because researchers don't understand sarcasm. Some Scottish trivia. Ben Nevis is the United Kingdom's least successful valley.

The last country invaded by Scotland was Panama. Henning. Scotland had a colony in Panama. They did indeed. Well done, yeah. In the late 17th century, when still an independent country not ruled by Westminster, Scotland made an attempt to create its own colonial empire by taking control of Panama,

from which it could command the trade of the two great oceans of the world, the Pacific and the Atlantic. A total of £500,000 was raised for the expedition, gan ymarfer y troed o'r ddwy gwrtau o'r ddynion o'r ddynion o'r ddynion o'r ddynion o'r ddynion o'r ddynion o'r ddynion o'r ddynion o'r ddynion o'r ddynion o'r ddynion o'r ddynion o'r ddynion o'r ddynion o'r ddynion o'r ddynion o'r ddynion o'r ddynion o'r ddynion o'r ddynion o'r ddynion o'r ddynion o'r ddynion o'r ddynion o'r ddynion o'r ddynion o'r ddynion o'r ddynion o'r ddynion o'r ddynion o'r ddynion o'r ddynion o'r ddynion o'r ddynion o'r ddynion o'r ddynion o'r ddynion o'r ddynion o'r ddynion o'r ddynion o'r ddynion o'r ddynion o'r ddynion o'r ddynion o'r ddynion o'r ddynion o'r ddynion o'r ddynion o'r ddynion o'r ddynion o'r ddynion o'r ddynion o'r ddynion o'r ddynion o'r ddynion o'r ddynion o'r ddynion o'r ddynion o'r ddynion o'r ddynion o'r ddynion fighting and attacked by hostile Spanish ships wiped out the colony and only one of the 16 ships returned with over 2,000 lives lost the lost 500,000 pounds almost bankrupted the Scottish economy triggered the dissolution of the Scottish Parliament and it's been argued was a factor in the eventual 1707 Act of Union with England Bit of history That's a bit of history. Frankie. And the only time a Scottish person has ever used the word tender is when complaining that English shopkeepers won't take their money.

Even though Scottish banknotes are not legal tender, not even in Scotland. In 1305, Robert the Bruce, taking refuge from battle in a cave, was inspired by a spider to spend four days trapped in a bath. Another famous Scot, the great poet Rabbie Burns, was bullied into performing several circumcisions due to the misspelling of his name on a census. Scotland can also take credit for the toddler's ball pit,

its inventor being a humble hospital porter inspired by a 1970s haemorrhoid epidemic brought on by a national lack of dietary fibre. Henny. Well, the Scottish people, they've invented all sorts. Did they also invent a ballpoint pen? Well... LAUGHTER

That's interesting speculation, but the ballpoint pen was not mentioned. I think you might have misheard... LAUGHTER Ball pit for ballpoint pen. Oh, I see. They didn't invent the toddler's ball pit.

I don't know about the ballpoint pen, although I have a vague sense it was... Laszlo Bajor, wasn't it? Yeah. Hungarian? Can we just have another quiz? During the 1950s, Scotland briefly held the record for the fastest 100 metres after a construction worker was blown off the top of the Forth Road bridge. Indeed, the Scottish village of Bad Bay was so windy, children and animals had to be tied to rocks to stop them being blown away.

Lou. I think that might be true. Yeah, that's true. Yes! Yeah, it's true. Yes, the... APPLAUSE Yes, the now-abandoned village of Bad Bay

was settled by dispossessed Highlanders during the Highland clearances at the end of the 18th century. The cliff-top town was said to be so windy that children had to be tethered to posts and rocks as they played to prevent them being blown into the sea. The Fourth River is so named because water is the

fourth most popular liquid in Scotland. Fewer than 500 people own half the land in Scotland. Indeed, the real reason the royals holiday in Balmoral is so they can use Scottish staff to teach their children about mortality in the same way that you and I would let them have a hamster. I'm afraid old Jock's dead, son, but he was 35. In Scottish years, that's two World Cup qualifications.

Lucy. Land being owned in Scotland by very few people. You're absolutely right, yeah. Ever since the Scottish Reformation in 1560, which saw Scotland divided up into various large hunting estates, land in Scotland has been owned by what's been described as the most exclusive cadre of landowners in the developed world. It's estimated that more than half of Scotland

is owned by fewer than 500 people. APPLAUSE I hope you're not applauding that! LAUGHTER Whether the deer on the Balmoral estate get culled or not in any given year very much depends on how well the Queen hides Prince Philip's car keys. Thank you, Frankie. And at the end of that round, Frankie,

you've managed to smuggle one truth past the rest of the panel, which is that Scottish banknotes are not legal tender, not even in Scotland they are apparently legal currency and are approved by the UK Parliament but they're not strictly legal tender legal tender is different from legal currency in that it relates specifically to the payment of a debt however despite this absence of legal protection for Scottish banknotes the Scottish economy still seems to function perfectly well. And that means, Frankie, you've scored one point.

The furthest distance a haggis has been hurled is 180 feet. It remains the all-time world record for any projectile vomit. Which brings us to the final scores. In fourth place, with no points, we have Lou Sanders. In third place, with one point, it's Henning Vein. In second place, with four points, it's Lucy Porter. And in first place, with an unassailable five points, it's this week's winner, Frankie Boyle.

That's about it for this week. Goodbye. The Unbelievable Truth was devised by John Naismith and Graham Garden and featured David Mitchell in the chair, with panellists Lucy Porter, Henning Vein, Lou Sanders and Frankie Boyle. The chairman's script was written by Dan Gaster and Colin Swash and the producer was John Naisman. It was a random production for BBC Radio 4.