The Unbelievable Truth - 23x01 Dogs, Actors, Rules, Finland

Episode Date: February 19, 2022

23x01 30 December 2019 Tony Hawks, Holly Walsh, Henning Wehn, Sally Phillips Dogs, Actors, Rules, Finland

We present The Unbelievable Truth, the panel game built on truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. Hello and welcome to The Unbelievable Truth, the panel show about incredible truths and barely credible lies. I'm David Mitchell. Lots of things held to be true are in fact lies. For example, it's not true that Eskimo cultures have 50 different words for snow. In fact, they have just three.

They have words for falling snow, snow on the ground, and where's all the snow gone? Our house has melted. Please welcome Holly Walsh, Tony Hawks, Henning Vane, and Sally Phillips. The rules are as follows. Each panelist will present a short lecture that should be entirely false, save for five hidden truths which their opponent should try to identify. that should be entirely false save for five hidden truths which their opponent should try to identify. Points are scored by truths that go unnoticed while other panelists can win points if they spot a truth or lose points if they mistake a lie for a truth. First up is Tony Hawks. Tony recently had an idea to move out of London away from his friends and family to a remote village on the edge of Dartmoor, or, as it's more commonly known, a breakdown. Tony, your subject is dogs.

Domesticated canids often kept as pets or to hunt or guard. Off you go, Tony. Fingers on buzzers, the rest of you. The last time I did this show, I brought along my dog Coco, and she weed on the carpet. John Naismith, the producer, said, Have you weed on the carpet? Naismith the producer said have you weed on the carpet I said no it's cocoa in Singapore dogs are forbidden from begging in Malaysia if any dog is caught shagging someone's leg he has to be castrated and so does the dog in the States, if your dog is found to be wiser than you,

then you are elected president. Henny. Well, I mean, I know you've got a dog. Did you bring the dog along and the dog had a slash? It was a long time ago wasn't it yes i mean tony's saying that you challenged that too late it's not one of the truths tony was officially given but it was true yes tony has taken this is radio 4 it takes a long time for people to get over the sheer disgust of you mentioning a dog pissing on radio. It didn't piss on the radio, it pissed on the carpet.

But yes, Henning, I think you can have a point for that, so that some good has come out of Tony's incontinent dog. If this lecture isn't as funny as it should be, it's because my dog ate my first effort.

Just like the first ever Doctor Who script was eaten by the writer's dog. A similar fate befell the first draft of John Steinbeck's Of Mice and Men and the first page of Thomas Hardy's The Mayor of Casterbridge. Sally. I think one of those is true. I was thinking that, but they can't eat a whole script. They couldn't, they just take the first page. The first page of Mary Castabridge.

This is a sort of communal challenge on this one. Yes, a third of a point each. What should we go for, team? I think Doctor Who. Well, you buzzed, so you go first. I'll go for Doctor Who. You're going for Doctor Who. That's not true. I'll go for the first page. You're buzzing.

Yeah, go on then. You're going for the first of the Mayor of Carthage. Not true. OK. I tell you what, I leave it at that then. Instead of eating Simon Cowell's autobiography, his dog accidentally read it and died of shame. That is definitely true.

For clarity, Simon Cowell's dog cannot read. Lord Kitchener had six spaniels called Aim, Fire, Shot, Bang, Miss and Damn. Winston Churchill had a basset hound called Blenheim. Alex Ferguson had a dog named Manchester. Its full kennel name was Manchester United 7 Arsenal 0. Sally. One of those. I'm going to go for Aim being one of the Spaniels.

You're absolutely right. The full truth is that all of the Kitchener Spaniels is true. He had six Spaniels called aim, fire, shot, bang, miss and damn. So fond of dogs was one Indian farmer from Tamil Nadu that he actually married a lady dog in a traditional Hindu ceremony in 2007. It's the only recorded instance of a wife

ending up in the dog house. Henning. I think you wouldn't get away with claiming that some Indian geezer married a dog if it wasn't true. You just wouldn't get away with it. You wouldn't get away with it these days. What would happen? So the police would burst in and arrest you?

They were close to the whole station. Before political correctness went mad, it was wall-to-wall claiming that Indian men had married dogs. And now you can't do it over laughs and say something about the turban or something you try and pretend that a foreigner has married a hamster you can't get away with it now exactly yeah so I think he married dead dog well I'm not agreeing with any inferences you're drawing from this, but it is true.

Yes, in 2007, a Mr Selva Kumar, a 33-year-old farm labourer from Tamil Nadu, married a dog in a traditional Hindu ceremony. And they're all bonkers over there anyway. I think you're pushing the envelope about what we can still get away with. In 2015, America's National Hero Dog Award was won by a cat. The sh... Henning. Dog of the Year in America was won by a cat? You're absolutely right. Yes, in 2015, the National Hero Dog Award was given to Tara the Cat

after footage of her saving her four-year-old owner, Jeremy Triantafilo, from attack by a vicious dog was released online and viewed over 24 million times. The Shih Tzu was bred by a very disappointed visitor to Whipsnade. If you cross a chihuahua with a St Bernard without the permission of the chihuahua owner, the owner can get quite tetchy. The chihuahua may well have bad dreams, and you can bet they'll be a lot more frequent than the St Bernard's. Sally.

Yeah, well, I think that, although it's supposition on your part it's good supposition that the owner of the Chihuahua would be quite cross if you mated your St. Bernard with without their permission. It isn't one of Tony's truths but it's undeniably true. In many ways I think a chihuahua would be a prophylactic for another animal. I think the St Bernard would wear the chihuahua in order to not get another symbol. So you'd be saying to an owner of say a Great Dane and a chihuahua, don't worry the Great Dane won't be pregnant because the St Bernard was wearing a Chihuahua, don't worry, the Great Dane won't be pregnant, because the St Bernard was wearing a Chihuahua.

I'm accepting that you're giving the point, but I think you're misjudging Chihuahua owners. You think they'd be very relaxed? Well, they're ugly little things, they're glad they're not getting any at all, aren't they, really? I think you're misjudging, Joanne. You can never get to them because they're always hiding in a handbag. There speaks the voice of experience.

Thank you, Tony. And at the end of that round, Tony, you've managed to smuggle two truths past the rest of the panel, which are that a dog ate the first draft of John Steinbeck's Of Mice and Mice. The second truth is that a chihuahua's bad dreams will be a lot more frequent than a St Bernard's. Small dogs dream more frequently than larger dogs. Anyway, that means, Tony, you've scored two points. The polite word to describe dog poo is scumber, as in the phrase,

that scumber stinks like shit. OK, we turn now to Holly Walsh. Ten years ago, Holly presented the Channel 4 show TNT alongside Jack Whitehall. He's currently starring in a film for Disney ahead of his new stadium tour. While Holly is here tonight. Holly, your subject is actors. Those whose profession is to act on stage, screen or radio. Off you go, Holly.

As the old saying goes, actors, you can't live with them, you can't legally be within 100 foot of the cast of Cheers. Though that might just be me. Acting is, of course, known as the third oldest profession after prostitution and quantity surveying. The very first actor was Adam and Eve's son, Cain. You can tell he was an actor because he was so annoying, his brother killed him.

Sally. It's the other way round, the killing, that's a lie, yes, but Cain. You can tell he was an actor because he was so annoying, his brother killed him. Sally. It's the other way round, the killing, that's a lie, yes, but Cain did act. Cain acted? If you're thinking of Michael Cain, I don't... Well, he tried to lie. Is that acting? I think that's an extremely negative interpretation.

I would say it is the most truthful of all the jobs. He played the part of an innocent party. What did he do for a job? He kept animals. Right, so that's not an actor then, is it? No, he wasn't. He was a... Zookeeper.

Agrarian. Yeah, but, you know... Farmer or zookeeper? You can do it just because you don't get paid doesn't mean you're not an actor, as you know. As I know. As I also know. So what you're arguing is that Cain was a resting actor. Well, as far as this piece of paper in front of me says, Cain was not what you'd call an actor.

Okay. This is the one thing you have to know about actors. They are absolutely awful people. Every single one of them. And it's not just the recent ones. Laurence Olivier once took out a two-page advert in the Daily Telegraph just to complain that actors in a play he'd recently seen weren't as good as he would have been.

He then petitioned the press to moan about British Rail not serving kippers anymore. Tony. I think Laurence Olivier, for some reason, took out an advert. Imagine he had a page in Spotlight, which I suppose is taking out an advert, but he didn't take the advert out that... Complaining about the other actors. That would be uncool, wouldn't it? That's not what you do.

No. No. No. Can I apologise to his surviving relatives for that? I didn't know they were here. Christopher Lee refused any payment for playing Dracula

because he just loved the taste of fake blood. When he wasn't making films, he used to hang around places he might see it for real, volunteering at his local blood bank, moving next door to an abattoir, and going to France to watch a public guillotining. Henning.

Him being a blood donor. That's plausible enough. But it's not true. Actors are innately pretentious. Most actors these days opt to initialise their middle names. Samuel L. Jackson's middle name is Ludovic, John C. Reilly's middle name is Celia, and Michael J. Fox's middle name is Andrew. Tony.

John C. Reilly's middle name is Celia. No, that's not true. It's John C. Reilly's middle name is Christopher. Of course. It's a boy's name. I'm an idiot. Sally. Michael J. Fox's middle name is Christopher. Of course. It's a boy's name. I'm an idiot. Sally. Michael J. Fox's middle name is Andrew. Correct. Were you never tempted to change your name?

Because you're obviously a very famous author as well. Yeah. And a picture frame is in Lewisham. And a Cumbrian origamist and a deceased former Tory MP. You know, you really need to stop giggling yourself. It's a very common name. It might as well be John Smith.

What is your middle name? I've got two middle names. What are they? James and Stuart. DJ Mitchell. Yeah, yeah. Or DJSM. It sounds dirty.

It sounds dirty. Single woman, Lewisham area, Or DJSM. It sounds dirty. Single woman, Lewis and Mary, into DJSM. This has been a great branding exercise. Carry on, Holly. Well, over 100 million words of fan fiction have been written about Benedict Cumberbatch, 90 million of them by Benedict himself. Henny. Now, you have to help me. What is that fan fiction have been written about Benedict Cumberbatch, 90 million of them by Benedict himself. Henny. Now you have to help me.

What is that fan fiction? I think fan fiction is what people write about characters. Oh yeah, people do that. Sometimes it's like, you know, Doctor Who and C-3PO are doing it in a cupboard, that sort of thing. It doesn't have to be sexual.

I think 100 million words is probably on the modest side about as we're going very communal with these challenges I'd like to say it sounds very plausible who buzzed that was me yet and what are you saying you think is true then there is been a hundred million words written about one thing or other involving Dominic Cumberbatch. Dominic? Who the hell's Dominic Cumberbatch? Holly, the way things are going, I think we're just going to have to accept it. Yes, Benedict Cumberbatch. That is true.

Yeah. A lot of it describes an imagined homoerotic relationship between Cumberbatch's Sherlock and Martin Freeman's Watson. Cumberbatch himself has described in interviews a favourite trope of this erotic fan fiction. Quote, It's always like one of them is tired, one comes back from work, the other is horny, a lump appears in his

trousers, and then they're at it. It's usually me getting it. I'm biting Watson's dog tags. Have you ever read any peep show fan fiction? Because it's very similar. I haven't, no. I just don't have time, what with all the self-googling.

Holly. Let's look at the cast of Cheers, which I'm technically allowed to do if I keep my distance They all had very difficult upbringings Woody Holson's dad was a hitman Kelsey Grammer was violently allergic to both tossed salads and scrambled eggs and Kirstie Alley grew up in an actual alley

Sally One of those things I think the first of those things. Was it Woody... Woody Harrelson's dad was a hitman? Yeah. That's true. Woo!

Yes, Harrelson's father, Charles V. Harrelson, was a contract killer. He was jailed for 15 years in 1973 for the murder of a grain dealer. Also, in 1981, Harrelson's father was given two life sentences for the assassination of a district judge. So, Woody, what does your dad do? You know, he must have... Yeah, he did a grain dealer and a judge.

Anyway, that's the end of Holly's lecture. At the end of that round, Holly, you've managed to smuggle two truths past the rest of the panel, which are that Laurence Olivier once petitioned the press to moan about British Rail not serving kippers anymore. And the second truth is that Christopher Lee went to France to watch a public guillotining. And that means, Holly, that you've scored two points. Next up is Henning Veen.

Henning, your subject is rules. Regulations governing conduct or procedure within a particular area of activity. Off you go, Henning. The European Union has more rules than all other nations on Earth combined. There are 16,000 of them just concerning potatoes. This is just as it should be. Rules were invented by Jesus, who gave 30 of them to Moses in the year 4000 before himself. However, Moses was 600 kilos over his baggage allowance and had to leave two of the tablets at Sinai International Airport where they remained at lost property.

Now, let me give you a truth now, though, because it says in the Bible And I give you my word that it's true That you should never swear on the Bible Sally I think it probably does say Do not swear by anything On earth or in heaven

Just say yes or no You're right Ah Yes The Pope can pretty much do what he likes But according to God's rules He's not allowed to read the Koran, he's not allowed to read the Racing Post, he's not allowed to be an organ downer,

and he's not allowed to arm wrestle with anyone under the rank of deacon. Tony? Well, I would have thought the Pope isn't allowed to read the Koran. No, I bet he is. I bet he is. Well, we'll see. David will reveal just how wrong you are now. He isn't allowed to read the Koran. No, I bet he is. I bet he is. Well, we'll see. You will see. David will reveal just how wrong you are now.

You are not at all wrong. The Pope, Tony, is allowed to read the Koran. Well, that's extraordinary. In fact, he probably ought to have a bit of a look. You know, religion is kind of his job, isn't it? Be informed. Have a look what the competition is doing. Yeah. Sally. job isn't it be informed have a look what the competition is doing yeah sally can't undress with anyone under a deacon no it's not unjust it was arm wrestle i'm absolutely certain he's not allowed to be naked under a deacon. That is completely...

The church is putting all that behind them. No, as far as we know, a pope is allowed to arm wrestle. OK, I'm going to say organ donor. Not allowed to be an organ donor. Correct. Oh. Yeah. Yes, according to the Vatican, after a pope dies,

his body belongs to the entire church and must be buried intact. Well, of course, God has many enemies too. Top of the list, though, are Marx and Stalin, who are still worshipped in parts of East Islington. Back in the heyday, Russian criminals used to tattoo Marx and Stalin to their chests as protection from firing squads. Tony. Sorry, I think they did tattoo that to save them from firing squads. They did indeed. Well done. Yes, Russian criminals used to tattoo portraits of Stalin, Lenin, Marx or Engels on their chests

or other vital organs in the belief that firing squads were not allowed to defile these images. So it would at least ensure their executioners afforded them a painless death by shooting them in the head to avoid hitting the sacred images. Catherine I of Russia made it a rule that no man was allowed to get drunk at her parties before nine o'clock. Tony. She was a bit bonkers, wasn't she, Catherine I? I think what she was really uptight about was people being drunk before nine o'clock.

You're absolutely right, Tony, yes. We can all think of rules we don't need anymore, but you never know when they may come in handy, such as it's fine to catch a taxi if you have got the plague, as long as you tell the driver. Also encourage that passenger's contract MRSA... Sorry, I just didn't understand. I'm not buzzing. I didn't understand what you were saying.

That's an absolutely key part of Heading's gameplay technique. Oh, is it? I mean, I understood everything he said. Well, you're nearer. I'm reading it as well. We... ..can all think of rules we don't need anymore. No more.

That is true. That's true. You've made him say it so slowly, it's gone true. Such as that it's fine, perfectly fine, to catch a taxi, you can get in and they drive you to where you want, catch a taxi if you have got the plague. Sally? You can catch a taxi if you've got the plague.

Sounds ridiculous. No, it's there, don't load. Not as ridiculous as when Henning said it. No, you're absolutely right. Yes. Thank you, Henning. And, Henning, at the end of that round, you've managed to smuggle no truths past the rest of the panel,

which means you've scored no points. But I've kept my dignity, and that's more than some other people on here can say. We'll factor your dignity into the final score. It's now the turn of Sally Phillips. Sally grew up in British Hong Kong in the 70s, and as a result can speak fluent English. Your subject, Sally, is Finland, a Nordic country on the Baltic Sea with a population of 5.5 million, whose capital city is Helsinki. Off you go, Sally. Finland, in Finnish, is Finlandia.

Its fifth largest town is called Valvula, and its eighth largest is called Penisroot. Henning. I can't understand a word she's saying. Sorry, if you could read that bit again slightly more clearly. And its eighth largest is called penis root. I know what you're thinking. You're thinking that my blonde hair denotes Finnish ancestry.

But research has shown that Finnish blondes are 15% denser than other blondes, which means that Finland has the densest population of blondes in the world. Each year in Finland, there's a restaurant day, Ravintola Paivia, when anyone can legally set up a restaurant just for the day, and the day after is unofficially known as hospital day, when anyone can set up a hospital to cope with the many cases of food poisoning. Tony.

Restaurant day. They can set up a restaurant for a day in Finland. I know that this is a fact. It is a fact. Well done, Tony. Finland's soil contains the highest percentage of naturally occurring yeast fungus in the world. Due to global warming, the accompanying fungal growth spurt

means that Finland is now expanding at a rate of nearly seven square kilometres per year. Holly. I mean, that's true. What? Finland is growing. Yes, it is true. Well done.

Yes, it's every year Finland increases in surface area by about seven square kilometres. It's not due to yeast fungus, but due to the melting of the three kilometre thick ice sheets that covered Finland during the Ice Age, depressing the landmass. In a process known as isostasy, the depressed landmass is literally bouncing back upwards, increasing Finland's surface area year on year. There will be women who've recorded that and play it back to themselves for erotic pleasure. Well, there'll be men who recorded that and play it back to themselves for erotic pleasure. And there'll be couples who'll be recording this.

Another interesting fact is that Finland is home to the International Sock Puppet Festival, the Sukkanukka Festival, the World Humming Contest, the World Bubblegum Blowing Championship, the Mobile Phone Throwing World Championships and the World Angela Merkel Looky Likey Finals. Tony, one of those is true.

Bubblegum. Nope. I mean, I want to say the mobile phone one just because that's where Nuki is from, isn't it, Finland? But I'm actually going to go with humming. Are we chatting or are you buzzing? Are you going with humming? Yes, sir.

Not true. Yes? I do the mobile sauna. You've got it. The Finnish sauna was originally developed as a cooking oven, interestingly, because it was big enough to roast or steam or smoke a reindeer hole. Who's eating reindeer holes? hole. Who's eating reindeer holes? That's disgusting. You're filthy chihuahua from earlier.

It is a myth, however, that there is a sauna in the Burger King in Helsinki, but there is one in the McDonald's. A highlight in the Finnish calendar is National Sleepyhead Day, where the last person in a family to wake up is thrown into the sea. Holly. I think there might be a sauna in McDonald's. There is not a sauna in the McDonald's. There isn't even a kitchen. No, there is no sauna in the McDonald's.

However, there is a sauna in Burger King. Yes, there is a sauna in Burger King. That is not a myth. There's a 15-person sauna in a Helsinki branch of Burger King. And that's the end of Sally's lecture. And at the end of that round, Sally, you've managed to smuggle two truths past the rest of the panel, which are that Finland has the densest population of blondes in the world. The second truth is that a highlight in the Finnish calendar is National Sleepyhead Day, where the last person in a family to wake up is thrown into the sea.

And that means, Sally, you've scored two points. thrown into the sea. And that means, Sally, you've scored two points. Which brings us to the final scores. In fourth place, with minus one point, we have Henning Vein. In third place, with no points, it's Holly Walsh. In second place, with one point, it's Tony Hawks.

And in first place, with an unassailable three three points is this week's winner, Sally Phillips. That's about it for this week. Goodbye. The Unbelievable Truth was devised by John Naismith and Graham Garden and featured David Mitchell in the chair with panellists Tony Hawks, Henning Vein, Holly Walsh and Sally Phillips. The chairman's script was written by Dan Gaster and Colin Swash, and the producer was John Nesmith. It was a random production for BBC Radio 4.