The Unbelievable Truth - 23x03 Rats, The Netherlands, Human body, Chocolate

Episode Date: February 19, 2022

23x03 13 January 2020[22] Neil Delamere, Cally Beaton, Lou Sanders, Marcus Brigstocke Rats, The Netherlands, Human body, Chocolate

We present The Unbelievable Truth, the panel game built on truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. Hello and welcome to The Unbelievable Truth, the panel show about incredible truths and barely credible lies. I'm David Mitchell. Well, time to get started, and already the air is full of nervous anticipation. Yes, sorry about that. Before we meet this week's panel,

a quick word about the replacement for show veteran Graham Garden. It's a hip. With us tonight, though, please welcome Lou Sanders, Neil Delamere, Callie Beaton and Marcus Brigstock. The rules are as follows. Each panelist will present a short lecture that should be entirely false, save for five hidden truths which their opponent should try to identify. Points are scored by truths that go unnoticed,

while other panellists can win points if they spot a truth or lose points if they mistake a lie for a truth. First up is Neil Delamere, a regular panellist on the Irish panel show The Blame Game. If you haven't seen it, the answer is The British. Neil, your subject is rats, described by my encyclopedia as long-tailed rodents, similar to but larger than mice.

Off you go, Neil. Fingers on buzzers, the rest of you. The rat, noted as the smallest carnivore in the world in the Encyclopedia Britannica, features on the crest of the royal family of Monaco. And despite their sharp teeth, small eyes, and being widely blamed for spreading the plague, the royal family remains popular with their subjects. Marcus. Yes, I think it probably is on the family crest of the Monaco royals. I think it's true.

It's not true. Well, it was worth a stab, wasn't it? As are the royal family of Monaco. Europe's rat population rocketed under Pope Gregory IX, who considered cats to be the incarnation of Satan. The result was a mass killing of cats. Rats flourished as 10,000 cats were killed in 90,000 cat murders. Lou. I think the Pope did think cats were satanic.

He did. You're absolutely right. Yes. Whilst the persecution of cats during the Middle Ages was quite widespread, Pope Gregory IX increased it exponentially when in 1233 he published a church I bet there was a huge rise in rat populations i bet there was a huge backlash online as well in 1508 a group of rats was put on trial for destroying a crop of barley the court tried to establish which rats were the culprits but the rodent code of silence held firm lou i do think maybe there was a trial with rats There was a trial with rats It's always true, they're mad putting animals on trial They've always put animals on trial It's only a matter before

Like the Wombles are Utreed Yeah, yeah Uncle Bulgaria, if that's your real name Your honour, I was simply making good use Of the things that I found Uncle Bulgaria, if that's your real name. Your Honour, I was simply making good use of the things that I found. Yes, it is true. It happened in the small French town of Autun in 1508. A court summons was posted at crossroads and in neighbouring churches, but when the rats did not appear in court, they were held to be in contempt.

However, the lawyer assigned to their case argued that it was unsafe for his clients to attend, as cats and dogs roamed the route from their homes to the courthouse, and safe passage could not be guaranteed. The law ruled that if the personal safety of the accused while attending court could not be assured, they could be excused. There's no record of the final verdict in the case, but it's believed that the rats were acquitted. During the reign of King Charles II, London was so infested with rats that the king introduced a system whereby city taxes could be paid in dead rats instead of money. Marcus. I think that's true. City taxes could be paid in dead rats instead of money. Marcus. I think that's true. City taxes in rats.

The city was overrun with them. And, yeah, go on then, and the tax. But it has to be the second part. Because the first part, the city's always been overrun with them. It's still overrun with them. Well, then the second part as well. The second part is not true. Well, then only the first part.

well the second part is not true well then only the first part no the thing is what he said was london was so infested with rats that yes and then the thing after the that has to be true that's the fact gosh it's more complicated than you think when you sit down isn't it it's tough it's really tough up here well not for me because I've got two points, but it's tough for you. All that education, eh, Marcus? I left school at 15. Ew! That's very much the message

of Radio 4. It is said that in London, you are only ever six feet from a hipster. Anyway, back to rats. A recent study in New York found that there are genetically different uptown rats and downtown rats. In the study, the uptown rat was shown to have smaller eyes and darker fur, and the downtown rat had longer whiskers and trained four turtles in martial arts in the sewers. Marcus.

Yes, I think there's a difference between uptown and downtown rats. It was a very little-known Billy Joel song. You're absolutely right, there is. Oh, thank goodness. There are two genetically distinct rat subpopulations in New York. Uptown rats found north of 59th Street, and downtown rats who live south of 14th Street. Uptown and downtown rats rarely mix.

When an owl discovers a rat's nest, it will eat the adults immediately. It then regurgitates a sticky mixture onto the young, adhering them together. The owl flies away with the glued-together ratlings and will eat one a day for the next week like a Kellogg's variety pack. Marcus. I think that's too horrifying for you to have thought it up.

So I think that it's true. Awkward. It's not true. It's not true. Light-hearted, humorous invention. What is wrong with you? The rats in this scenario are entirely confused with proceedings as they themselves cannot vomit. Callie. They can't vomit.

Correct. They can't vomit. Correct. During the reign of Captain the Great of Russia, rat dressage was widely practiced at court. Each rat was trained to lift their legs individually, walk sideways, and perform many of the moves you would see in modern dressage, much to the delight of the aging empress.

Anyone looking on at the shamed faces of the furry participants could be in no doubt of the rats ability to experience regret Thank You Neil The end of that round Neil you have managed to smuggle one truth past the rest of the panel Which is that rats experience regret? is that rats experience regret. Researchers from the University of Minnesota found that rats experience regret after making a wrong food choice. It was observed that the rats which bypassed a food they liked would glance

backward at the food they passed up. Scans of their brain activity at that moment showed that their orbitofrontal cortex became active. In humans, that's the part of the brain which is active during regret. So that's, I would say, conclusive evidence that it's amazing what gets funding. And that means, Neil, you've scored one point.

Okay, we turn now to Callie Beaton. Callie is a television executive who recently started a second career as a stand-up comedian, giving her the unique opportunity of being able to deny herself a break in the industry. Callie, your subject is the Netherlands, sometimes referred to as Holland, a country in northwest Europe known for its low elevation, progressive drugs policies and ubiquity of bicycles. Off you go, Callie. Who doesn't love the Dutch?

I love them so much, I had three kids with a Dutch man. I'll never forget our wedding night when I discovered that the only thing a Dutch husband will give you that's long and hard is his surname. is his surname. When the Netherlands was knocked out of Euro 96, there were 12% more divorces, 62% higher sales of Amstel beer, and 50% more men died from heart attack or stroke than on a normal day.

Marcus? I think that after the football thing, that the rate of heart attacks went up. By 50%? by 50% that's true yes by 50 well now that you say like that I does seem like a lot that's the percentage you'd put on that no you're absolutely right yes on the day that Holland was knocked out of euro 96 in a dramatic penalty shootout deaths from heart attacks and strokes amongst Dutch males rose by 50%. No corresponding increase occurred in women.

The 1784 cattle war between the Netherlands and the Holy Roman Empire involved only a single shot which hit a cattle. It nearly started again when Argos said the warranty had been invalidated and would be processed a refund. Marcus. Yeah, I'm going to say that that war had only one shot fired in it. You're absolutely right. Yes.

Yes, the kettle war was a military conflict between the Northern Netherlands, today's Netherlands, it says here, and the Austrian Netherlands, now Belgium, backed by the Holy Roman Empire. It was prompted by the Northern Netherlands, now Netherlands, decision to close off the River Scheldt, denying access to the Belgian trading harbours of Ghent and Antwerp. The Austrian Netherlands sent over three warships in response.

The Northern Dutch sent out just one, which fired a single shot, killing no one but striking a soup kettle, and that was enough to cause the Austrian Netherlands to surrender immediately contrary to popular belief most tourists visit Amsterdam for its museums and art galleries only ending up in the red light district if they make the innocent mistake of being so high they can't use city mapper tourists Tourists can also enjoy the wonders of the world's largest vibrator, the top of Mont Blanc, sadly it is just the top as the actual pen was lost years ago, and a theme park called Plopsaland, a celebration of Dutch gnomes.

Neil? Yeah, I think that might be true, Dutch gnomes. They're mad into that sort of stuff. No, that's not true. Oh, I've just spotted a business opportunity Lou the vibrator that's not true either. No, I just asking where is it? There is a plop salons in in Belgium, so it does exist it was in Belgium yes yeah but that used to be lower Netherlands wait a minute just the kettle war of 1772 mean nothing to you

unfortunately what Callie said was tourists to the Netherlands can also enjoy. And at the current time, it only includes the Netherlands, not Belgium. Visitors are often surprised to find that there are no windmills in Holland. I was surprised to find that hen weekends can make you pregnant. Lou. Is the windmills... I'm doubting myself already, but is the windmills true? No windmills. What, is it there are no windmills in...

Don't look at me like that! Sometimes it's a counterintuitive thing, like there are no canals in Venice, that kind of thing. But there are canals in Venice, and there are over 1,000 windmills in Venice. Sure, sure, sure, sure. Sure, sure, sure. If there were no windmills. Sure, sure, sure, sure. Sure, sure, sure. If there were no windmills, it would cast a lot of doubt

on the location of a mouse I saw wearing... ..wearing clogs. Despite its lack of windmills, the Netherlands suffers more tornadoes each year than anywhere else in the world. The biannual Holland Games are an opportunity for visitors to enjoy the local Nederlandse sporter and all are welcome to join in.

For the ladies, there is speed crochet and cheese modelling. While the gentlemen can join in a session of wife throwing or a bracing round of swaffler which involves repeatedly smacking one's penis against something or someone. Neil? I'm just hoping it's penis against something or someone. Neil.

I'm just hoping it's true, to be honest with you. Because otherwise my drum technique is very poor. This is the swaffelen. Yes. Yes, that is true. The Dutch, in fact, voted the word swaffelen their word of the year in 2008. And it's a verb meaning to swing one's penis and make it bump against something in order to stimulate either oneself or someone else.

We call it pervy swing ball at Arras. And I can tell you this, it's called on because they definitely play it on the northern line. And I can tell you this, it's caught on because they definitely play it on the Northern line. The 2018 winner, Dirk van den Hoeven, took the prize of €10,000, though he had to pay for damage to the cactus. Thank you, Callie. And at the end of that round, Callie, you've managed to smuggle two truths past the rest of the panel, which are that tourists to the Netherlands can also enjoy the top of Mont Blanc.

In 1787, the top of Mont Blanc was removed during one of the earliest climbs of the mountain and is now on display in a museum in the Netherlands. It probably wasn't taken from quite the top of Mont Blanc, it says, but that's how it's billed in the museum. And the second truth is that the Netherlands suffers more tornadoes each year than anywhere else in the world. It has the highest average number per area of any country in the world, and the UK is in second place. And that means, Callie, you've scored two points. A Dutch zoo has initiated

Tinder for orangutans, where females look at pictures of potential partners on a touch screen and pick their favourites. Surprisingly, a single male proved the unanimous favourite. Mick Hutnell. Amsterdam has an official bicycle mare. Sounds like a fun idea,

but then again, London also had one of those, and look what happened to us. Next up is Lou Sanders. Lou is from Broadstairs in Kent, the town where Charles Dickens wrote Great Expectations, bringing the number of things she has in common with Charles Dickens to one. Lou, your subject is the human body, the physical structure of a human being including head, limbs, organs, flesh and bones.

Off you go, Lou. The human body. If I said this lecture was about bodies, would you hold it against me? Come on. Women blink nearly twice as much as men. No one knows why. Maybe it's because they can't believe what men are saying. Marcus.

I think women do blink nearly twice as much as men. Because they can't believe what men are saying. It is true that women blink nearly twice as much as men. Is it because they can't believe what we say? It's not clear. They haven't done that research. All the money went on finding out that rats could feel regret. Humans are the only animals to produce emotional tears,

and that's why I know how my ex was a pig, because he couldn't cry Neil Yeah, I think humans are the only ones who produce emotional tears. Do you think my ex was a pig? Which one Lou which one? Yes, it is true Neil you get a point all mammals make distress calls, but humans are the only animals to produce emotional tears Multiple studies suggest that people with more body hair have higher intelligence make distress calls but humans are the only animals to produce emotional tears multiple studies suggest that people with more body hair have higher intelligence and that's marcus i as a very

hirsute man i'm fully supportive of that as a true thing i think it's true it is true thank you According to researcher and psychiatrist Dr. Ekarakudi Elias, he found that 45% of trainee doctors in the US are very hairy. He also found that top engineering graduates had more body hair than lower-ranking students, and male members of Mensa were more likely than average to have hairy bodies. That's not research. That's a good night owl. But also, OK, I actually won't say that because I'm trying to be more of a classy actor. By the way, I don't know if you're aware, Lou,

but your interior monologue is ordinary. It's pink show. I'm doing pink show. I think you probably need to go into settings and turn off audio describe. Yeah, okay. Okay, well thanks for the

advice, guys. Multiple studies suggest people with more body hair have higher intelligence, and that's why I let my tuppence make all my decisions. Talking of which, the vagina has the same acidity level as a pint of beer, but none of the calories. I'll do two. Marcus. Yes, I think that the acidity level is similar to a pint of beer. Marcus?

Yes, I think that the acidity level is similar to a pint of beer. You're absolutely right. All the organs of a... How do you say Enrique Inglés? Like that. Yeah. OK, all the organs of Enrique... I'll just say the name. Okay.

Okay, all the organs of... Enrique Iglesias. ...are on the opposite side of his body to normal. Noel Edmonds' entire body is reversed back to front, but not so you'd notice. And Natasha Bedenfield's foot nearly got sewn on backwards after an operation. Neil.

True, that last one. Natasha Bedenfield's foot. Yeah, yeah, that's not true. 100%. You should see her run in circles. It is absolutely incredible. Well, it's not true. You should see her run in circles. It is absolutely incredible. Well, it's not true.

And while we're here, MC Hammer's got three missing toes, and that's why friends affectionately call him Hammer Toe. Thank you, Lou. And at the end of that lecture, Lou, you have managed to smuggle one truth past the rest of the panel, which is that all the organs of Enrique Iglesias are on the opposite side of his body to normal. What? Enrique Iglesias, Donny Osmond and Catherine O'Hara all have situs inversus, a one in 10,000 genetic disorder that puts all your organs on the mirror side of your body.

My friend's mother has this as well. So when he was growing up, he used to say that when she annoyed him, he couldn't even go, well, your heart's in the right place. You must have waited so long to be able to tell that joke. But that nevertheless means, Lou, you've scored one point. that joke. But that nevertheless means, Lou, you've scored one point. In 1986, former Labour Party

leader Michael Foot was appointed as chair of a disarmament committee, which prompted the Times headline Foot Heads Arms Body. Though disappointingly, it failed to report how he later ranked in a list of the best and worst holders of the post.

Arms, body, head, foot, bottom. Thanks to a process called unconscious selective attention, your nose is always visible to you, but your brain manages to ignore it. The very same technique that enables Susanna Reid to keep working with Piers Morgan. It's now the turn of Marcus Brigstock. Your subject, Marcus, is chocolate, a sweet food made from ground roasted cacao beans and consumed in liquid, block or powder form. Off you go, Marcus.

It has been proven that the smell of chocolate increases the blood flow to a man's genitals. Nothing to do with his nose, but scientists have observed that whenever a woman smells chocolate, she'll grab him by the crotch and shout, get down the garage and fetch me a twirl, or you can say goodbye to your miniature heroes. For chocolate lovers, the move to daylight saving time is one of the best days of the year,

because you're allowed to eat after eights at seven o'clock and no one can get you on it. Discontinued names of Cadbury's chocolate bars include Nunch, Knob and Truffle Puff. Lou. Truffle Puff. No. Callie. Nunch. Correct. The career of the milk tray man has nosedived since the Me Too movement began. Apparently it's no longer acceptable to kick through a woman's window while she's in the bath as you shout, it's all because the lady loves Milk Tray. Sorry, I just had a fact about the Milk Tray Man. He was my woodwork teacher.

I went to a boys' school and I learnt woodwork, and in that school where i learned woodwork mr polden russell polden he was the milk train man oh that's mr polden amazing from the school's perspective yeah i know and the milk tray man yeah it's gonna teach you woodwork yeah it's gonna yeah james bond does latin the milky bar kid did our pe Latin. The Milky Bar Kid did our P.E. The Honey Monster was our dinner lady.

Can I get some points for that? For going to a boys' school? For an interesting fact, this isn't just a minute. No, you can't get points for that, but thank you for helping make the programme long enough. Yes. A survey of sex shop owners showed that chocolate is the least popular flavor of edible underwear I think we can all imagine why because there are so many other great flavors my top three would be scotch egg lamb una and Stilton and port if you are

having the port one do always pass to the left the microwave oven was invented when a researcher walked by a radar tube and discovered that the chocolate bar in his pocket had melted. Neil. Yeah, I think that might be true. It is indeed true. That was a firm buzz of knowledge. Yeah. It's unclear the effect that the radiation had on his body,

although at bath time he discovered a pair of ferrero roche he didn't remember buying i buzzed in from one a bit ago i got a bit shy um if this is about rats yeah the underwear yeah chocolate is the least popular flavour. Yeah. Yeah? Well, that's quite a while ago, you. Yeah, forget it. So, I mean, it is true, but I don't like... But I was scared. You haven't got time to mull it over. No, no, no.

Do you want a bonus point? Yeah, yeah. But that's not fair. It takes a point away from Marcus. He's got enough stuff. He's got a lovely house and that. He's just married to a beautiful house and he's got a hairy chest as well he's very very intelligent no I think you buzz too late I think you've

asked today I'm frightened now of what you might reference yeah I think I know the very first thing he said was true but I know that's probably way too long ago yeah and yeah Marcus in the USA bars of chocolate each contain an average of eight insect legs, which means... Neil. True. It is true. It's absolutely true. It's eight.

I mean, technically, that means that a Hershey bar is actually an arachnid. Yes, according to ABC News, the average American chocolate bar contains eight insect parts. Anything less than 60 insect parts per 100 grams of chocolate is deemed safe for consumption by the US Food and Drug Administration. Well, good luck with that trade deal, UK. Yes. But to be honest, American chocolate's not very good, and if you remember the chance of it crawling away from you before you've eaten it... That Snickers is making a run for it. It'll probably do 26 miles, ironically.

Sorry, can I just... I'm not going to better that joke. That's a hell of a joke. That's a huge joke. And that's the end of Marcus's lecture. So, Marcus, at the end of that round, you've managed to smuggle two truths past the rest of the panel. I think they've spotted them now. One of them is absolutely the chocolate underwear being the least popular of all the edible ones.

And the second truth, or rather the first one, might be the one Neil retrospectively thought was true. The very first thing he said. What was that? Chocolate makes the blood flow increase for men's genitals. That's true as well. And the way I know that is because I had a crunchy before and... LAUGHTER

That means, Marcus, you've scored two points. APPLAUSE Which brings us to the final scores. That means, Marcus, you've scored two points. Which brings us to the final scores. In fourth place, with minus three points, we have Lou Sanders. In third place, with two points, it's Callie Beaton. And in joint first place, with an unassailable three points each, it's Neil Delamere and Marcus Brigstaff.

That's about it for this week. Goodbye. The Unbelievable Truth was devised by John Nixwick and Graham Darden and featured David Mitchell in the chair, with panellists Neil Delamere, Kelly Beaton, Lou Sanders and Marcus Brigstocke. The chairman's script was written by Dan Gaster and Colin Swash and the producer was John Naisman. It was a random production for BBC Radio 4.