The Unbelievable Truth - 23x04 Words, Elvis Presley, Education, Ferrets

Episode Date: February 19, 2022

23x04 20 January 2020[23] Tony Hawks, Holly Walsh, Henning Wehn, Sally Phillips Words, Elvis Presley, Education, Ferrets

We present The Unbelievable Truth, the panel game built on truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. Hello and welcome to The Unbelievable Truth, a panel show about incredible truths and barely credible lies. I'm David Mitchell. Please welcome Sally Phillips, Tony Hawks, Holly Walsh and Henning Vane. The rules are as follows. Each panelist will present a short lecture.

They should be entirely false, save for five hidden truths which their opponent should try to identify. Points are scored by truths that go unnoticed, while other panellists can win points if they spot a truth, or lose points if they mistake a lie for a truth. First up is Tony Hawks. Tony recently moved from London to

a village in Devon. He's met everyone in the village apart from a mysterious jumped-up prat from London that he never seems to bump into. Tony has even written a book about his experiences, and sure enough, that book has already shot to number 657 in Amazon's

Rural Life Humor Chart. Tony, your subject is words. Single units of language consisting of one or more letters that have meaning when spoken or written. Off you go, Tony. Fingers on buzzers, the rest of you. Amongst words first coined by William Shakespeare are anorak, knickers, plonker and snog.

Holly. Plonker. Is that just what you're calling me? No. Sally. Is it kn me? No. Sally? Is it knicker? No. I'm not convinced it's any of them.

You've done exactly the right thing then. Welsh words are simple to translate with no knowledge of the language, yet the following mistakes were made in 2006. The Welsh words meaning this door is alarmed were translated as push off. The words for no entry were translated as come in and the words for

cyclist dismount were translated as bladder inflammation upset. Henning. Well, on the other end with these, there's all three are true. All three. All three are true. All three. All three are true.

That's not true. All three are not true. So you lose a point. Yeah, but one of them could well be true. That is certainly consistent with all three of them not being true. Okay, I reckon the bicyclist one. Are you chanting a buzz? No, no.

Because you didn't look? No, no. Because you didn't look very sure about that, so I'm glad I didn't officially make that buzz. So you were just chatting? Yeah. Oh, you think the bicyclist one. I don't see you that often. No, that's fine. We need some chat.

It can't all be format, format, format. On the Severn Bridge, the sign Welcome to Wales was translated as Sod off back to England. Prosvonit is a Czech word meaning to call someone's mobile so they have your number. Gorum is a Scots word for bottom. Agonist. Whipmogorum is a Scots word for a noisy quarrel about politics. Sally?

Whipmogorum. Correct. Oh. Yeah. Whipmogorum. Yes, a Scots word for a noisy quarrel about politics. Other words from centuries past used to describe those in politics include snollygoster, an unprincipled politician,

throttlebottom, a totally inept politician, and Catch Fart, a politician who follows the prevailing wind. It's easy to see why they've passed out of usage, because we have no need for them now. Am I allowed to buzz in for the phone my phone and I'll get your number? Yes. That is sufficiently recent. I will allow that buzz. And that is correct. Yes! That's a great word. Yes. Prosvonit is a Czech word meaning to call someone's mobile so they have your number. In 21st century Britain, people came up with a new word meaning pissing about endlessly with no positive outcome.

That word is Brexit. In medieval times, as anatomists were beginning to understand the workings of the human body, the words used for various anatomical parts were primarily descriptive. For example, the heart was known as the body pump, the breasts were known as the milk bags, the stomach was known as the belly larder, the penis was known as the bladder hose,

and the intestines were known as the arse ropes. Sally? Milk bags. No, milk bags is not true. Really? No. Oh, milk bags is not true really no oh milk bags oh god some of that has to be true because it's so wonderful and if not i'm going to use them all as my passwords blood a hose. Not true. The inventor of Scrabble made his first set of Scrabble tiles in 1942, laboriously hand-carving them from cow bone.

Unfortunately, his dog ate them. Then a few hours later, the dog started leaving little messages around the house. Henning. Is Scrabble from 1942? No. Were the first ever ones carved out of ivory or bone? Is that a buzz? Is Scrabble from 1942? No. Were the first ever ones carved out of ivory or bone? Is that a buzz?

No, that's not true either. Scrabble was invented in 1938, not 1942. Before the wars? Between the wars? Yeah. During the peace. What are we going to do? It's been so boring since 1918.

Oh, here's an idea, a word game. Oh, screw this, let's have a war. Scrabble's fault. If they'd invented a better game, there wouldn't have been a Second World War. Well, Henning may have something to say on that. At the 1957 Scrabble Championships in Sidcup, a fight broke out between the finalists who began throwing tiles at each other,

with the result that one lost an eye. Henning. I remember reading that in a paper. I didn't realise you were that old. In the Sidcup Journal. No, I'm afraid it's not true. Fake news, even back then. The fifth most misspelled word in the English language is misspelled. The most misspelled is necessary.

I tell a lie, it's separate. Holly? I think it is separate. It is separate. Well done. Yes, the first A is often replaced with an incorrect E. That's the most misspelled, Followed by definitely, manoeuvre and embarrass. Who uses

manoeuvre? Come off it. That's a stupid word to use. No. No, I use manoeuvre. Yeah, manoeuvre is always spelled right because you can spell it how you like. Diarrhea is hard, isn't it? Well, it's not. Not in my experience.

Words in the English language that Germans find easiest to say are rural, juror, squirrel and canoe. Henning. Yeah, I can say squirrel. Squirrel. Henny. Yeah, I can say squirrel. I think you've really made it your own. But in fact, those words are the ones Germans say they find the hardest to pronounce.

Squirrel. Squirrel, rural and juror. Yeah, I find them. I mean the last one, I still don't know what they say the final word again. Well, it was canoe, which you previously spent much of an episode of this program pronouncing as car-noo. Yeah, because I'm not bound by rules, mate. Car-noo used to play for Arsenal. I've no idea what that means. And finally, the password to David Mitchell's

online banking is Tony, you have managed to smuggle through five truths. Thank you, Tony. And Tony, you've managed to smuggle through two truths, which are that the Welsh words for cyclist dismount were translated as bladder inflammation upset. I was so close. It's believed that the error occurred in translation when the word cyclists was confused with the word cystitis.

word cyclists was confused with the word cystitis. And the second truth is that in medieval times the intestines were known as the arse ropes. That means, Tony, that you scored two points. In the 1800s the word for a perpetrator of nonsense or humbug was flapdoodler. It's a word nowadays that's perhaps better used to describe an artist in a life drawing class. According to a recent survey, 70% of young adults find it easier to express their feelings with emoji rather than words, which one of them recently admitted is a very sad-faced state of affairs. OK, we turn now to

Holly Walsh. Holly first appeared on television at the age of six, talking about her obsession with badgers. Still considered a classic red flag for social services. Holly, your subject is Elvis Presley, a Grammy award-winning American singer-actor

who was one of the most significant cultural icons of the 20th century and remains the best-selling solo artist in the history of recorded music. Off you go, Holly. Elvis Presley, known to all as the fresh prince of rock and roll, was born just outside Leeds on New Year's Day in 1937 to Harold and Bessie Jackson and then immediately handed over to some Americans

in return for a pack of nylons and a Spider-Man comic. and then immediately handed over to some Americans in return for a pack of nylons and a Spider-Man comic. The American family called him Elvis after a much-loved uncle, and Presley after Elvis. As a natural blonde with big bushy moustache and a short, almost pubic beard, it's little surprise that more than 50% of Elvis's impersonators hail from Scandinavia. Tony. 50% of Elvis's impersonators hail from Scandinavia. No, they don't.

The Queen of the Sea shanty is best known for just 23 songs he recorded in his short musical career. Henny. I don't know much about Elvis Presley. Does he only have 23 songs? No, I think he has lots more. Yeah? Was he that versatile? Mind you, if you can sing one song,

you can sing them all, can't you? I don't think he... I would say he was prolific, if not versatile. Yes, I like that better. It's not like he did a violin symphony. But he did lots of Elvis songs yeah I mean I think he did he did pretty much all the Elvis he also invented the concept of the fun day out based on his own personal twin loves of popping along to the morgue to look at the corpses and pushing cars into reservoirs to watch them sink sally i think he pushed cars into

reservoirs no he didn't as far as we know he didn't but yeah his manager was of course the celebrated war veteran colonel sanders who before looking after the archbishop of trance elvis presley ran a successful touring act featuring chickens dancing on a red hot plate Henning was his agent called Colonel Sanders no Colonel Sanders is the Kentucky Fried Chicken I mean I know that but I mean this manager was Colonel Tom Parker who you might have been thinking of but somehow I don't know I didn't Oh, no, I didn't. I never heard of the man. Elvis's live shows were very short and refined. He only ever played four songs, one of them twice,

never did an encore, as it was a bit showy-offy, and always insisted on being the last person to leave the building, much to the annoyance of announcers. Penny. Did he refuse to play an encore? He did indeed well done it led to the phrase elvis has left the building which was adopted by elvis's stage announcer to inform hysterical encore hungry fans that the performance had ended irrevocably in his time he's owned over 3 000 animals including a sex chimp, who he trained to look up skirts,

a chauvinist parrot, who called women sweet cheeks, and the world's largest collection of head lice. Sally. Did he have a parrot that called women sweet cheeks? No. No, he didn't. And that's everything you need to know about Elvis Presley, the legend who is best remembered as the Inspector General of Skiffle. Thank you, Holly. And at the end of that round, Holly,

you've managed to smuggle four truths past the rest of the panel, which are that Elvis was a natural blonde. His signature slick raven black hair actually came out of a bottle. The second truth is that Elvis would go to the morgue to look at the corpses. According to his road manager, Joe Esposito, he whipped off the sheets covering the corpses just to hear his date squeal. Didn't realise he was bringing a date until the end of that sentence. The third truth is that his manager ran a successful touring act

featuring chickens dancing on a red-hot plate. Colonel Tom Parker, who wasn't a real colonel, worked in the circus and achieved minor success with a touring act entitled Colonel Parker's Dancing Chickens. And the fourth truth is that Elvis owned a sex pest chimp whose unsavory habits included pulling up women's skirts and peering at their underwear and throwing his own dung at Elvis's guests. And that means, Holly, you've scored four points. A cultural icon of the 20th century, Elvis was known simply as the king, in just the same way that Prince Charles isn't.

Next up is Henning Weyn. Henning, your subject is education, the process of acquiring knowledge, especially at a school or university. Fingers on buzzers, the rest of you, off you go, Henning. In 1998, Tony Blair revolutionised education by forcing everyone to go to university at gunpoint. Tony Blair's most famous quote is, Education, education, illegal wars.

Now, school days are so rare that it's hardly surprising the last person to be properly educated in Britain was a boy called Erskine McIntosh in 1874. Sadly amounted to nothing, just as his teacher predicted. Sally. Erskine McIntosh amounted to something. Erskine McIntosh, it says here, is a made-up person. Well, I love so much that you believed in him. Yeah. And there probably has been an Erskine McIntosh,

but we haven't heard of him, so we don't know whether he amounted to nothing. Although... Well, it makes it more likely. Yeah, it does. Well, you probably think Germans are the height of cleverness. Well, you're not wrong. I think Germans are the height of cleverness.

Well, this is a tricky one. No, I think Tony definitely deserves a point for that very astute observation. Well done. Tony, you've used his nationalism against him. You've got a point on a panel show. Yeah, so yes, you'll all think Germans set a height of cleverness, and yeah, you're not wrong. Holly.

You're not wrong. Out of respect for Germany, I think Holly has to get a point. Henning. Well, I'm not happy with how this is panning out. Tony. He's clearly not happy with how this is panning out. I'm livid, actually.

I think Tony gets a point. Henning. Well, the literacy level in Germany is 98.3%. Holly. True. No. It's 99%. Oh. Yeah. But Iceland scores 100%

literacy. Sally. Agree. Yes. 100% literacy in Iceland. Correct. Yeah. So, Iceland, as we said, 100% literacy, which is just below their rate of incest. Over here, women have to make dreadful sacrifices for their education. Ellen MacArthur, the first woman to sail around the world,

bought her first boat by saving her school dinner money. Ellen went to the same school as Sir Philip Green, who made his first million by bullying three kids out of their dinner money. Holly. Did Ellen MacArthur buy a boat because she saved her dinner money? She did indeed, yeah. And of course Sir Philip Green bought a boat by saving the BHS pension money. Well, Ellen and Philip, they were always sneering at the ragged trousers boys from Eton,

which as we all know was founded to provide free schooling for the disadvantaged, which back then was anyone without a castle. That's true. Eaton was founded for disadvantaged boys. That is absolutely true, yes. Dinner ladies are more respected than headmasters, frequently commanding six-figure salaries and seven-figure signing fees. commanding six-figure salaries and seven-figure signing fees.

In fact, in a speech in 1981, Jeremy Corbyn branded school dinner ladies the evil face of capitalism. No wonder then that communist comedian Alexis Say left his lucrative dinner lady job. Holly. Was Alexis Say a dinner lady? He was indeed. In his memoir, Thatcher Stole My Trousers,

Alexis Hale described how he spent his 20s in a number of short-lived jobs, including civil servant, factory floor sweeper, drug dealer and school dinner lady. Well, what is true, there are more libraries in prisons than in schools. Tony. More libraries in prisons than schools. Correct. In percentage terms, there are more libraries per prison than per school,

as by law, prison libraries are compulsory, while school libraries are not. I mean, not to get too question time about this, but if there was more libraries in schools than in prisons, then maybe there'd be less people in prison. Fewer people. I did a talk in a library. Not in a library.

Everyone going, shh! Didn't go very well. No, I did a talk in a prison library. Were you talking about one of your hilarious comedy memoirs where you travel around the world? I was. Having adventures. I was.

Rubbing it in. I was talking... Yes, it was quite insensitive of the librarian to invite me. In my life of being able to go anywhere, I thought I might go round Ireland with a fridge. Whatever. Because I can go anywhere, anytime. There are no

limits. I feel better about how badly I went down. Thank you, Henning. And at the end of that round, Henning, you've managed to smuggle no truths past the rest of the panel. Anyway, that means, Henning, you've scored no points. It's now the turn of Sally Phillips. Sally's father worked for British Airways.

Sally used to wait for him to come home from work as he circled round and round the house before eventually coming through the front door two hours late and having lost his briefcase. Your subject, Sally, is ferrets, small, fierce animals originally bred for hunting rabbits and other small animals which are commonly kept as pets. Off you go, Sally. I have brought my very own ferret named Nibbler with me tonight. If you've noticed that our chairman is uncharacteristically irritable and restless today, that is because he has my Nibbler in his trousers as I speak. David is going for the ferret down the trousers record, which currently stands at 27 minutes.

Tony. 27 minutes is the record for a ferret down someone's trousers. No. The record is five hours and 30 minutes. In Newcastle, a woman with a ferret became so drunk she started punching posh spice. When police were called to arrest the woman, she explained that posh had been looking funny at her ferret. David Beckham calmed the situation by stepping in and throwing the ferret over a road in regency times ferret ownership became the height of fashion brighton alone boasted over

a dozen ferret tailors tony i think it did boast a lot of uh ferret tailors no sadly today brighton's only ferret out for tears is ferret couture near prince's crescent okay i reckon there's a ferret outfit in brighton there is yeah ferret couture is a ferret clothing shop located in brighton which sells various items of ferret clothing and accessories including t-shirts with such slogans as Satan's Little Helper. What if I've got a fat weasel? Would I be able to get something for that? I've got a fat weasel, but that's something else.

Well, you could probably get a warmer for it. I don't think they'd like you to try it on. Sally. Ferrets are indeed the most intelligent of mammals and have been known to run for Parliament, open a firm of accountants and work at the Large Hadron Collider.

A ferret was actually shot into space by the Chinese in 2005, but sadly did not survive as they omitted to put it in a rocket. but sadly did not survive as they omitted to put it in a rocket. Ferrets also make a surprisingly tasty snack. In Italy, they're minced up, bones and all, into a crunchy ball known as a rocher. Italian... LAUGHTER Southern Italians, Calabrians in fact, are especially fond of eating ferret, or as they call them, fernero.

You should never buy a miniature poodle in Argentina because you may end up with a ferret pumped up with steroids and cunningly shaved. And be careful when buying a furry scarf or ferret boa made of animals stitched end to end, you must make sure they're all dead, as they may have been trained to run home when you're asleep to be sold to the next unwary tourist. Henny? I've heard stories about animals being missold,

so they make cats look like dogs and whatever, so I wouldn't be surprised if there'd been incidents in Argentina where they sold a ferret and say, it's a St. Bernard. I mean, I think that would be stretching a point, but you're absolutely right. In 2013, it was revealed that Argentinian conmen were injecting ferrets with steroids and primping their hair before selling them for high prices as exotic miniature poodles. Many purchasers only discovered they'd inadvertently bought a ferret instead of a dog

on visiting the vet to have their new pet vaccinated. Grumpy Gareth was a ferret who was so antisocial and aggressive he actually ended up in prison. After a year in solitary he was granted trustee status and now runs the prison library. When ferrets are sad, they wag their tails. When they are happy, they bite you. When they are disappointed, they bite you. And when they are confused,

they wag their tails. And then bite you. Thank you, Sally. And at the end of that round, Sally, you've managed to smuggle three truths past the rest of the panel, which are that in Newcastle, a woman with a ferret became so drunk she started punching Posh Spice. A 39-year-old woman in Newcastle was prosecuted for punching her pet ferret named Posh Spice. She was found guilty of being drunk and disorderly and banned from keeping animals for at least two years.

Posh was placed in an animal shelter. The second truth is that ferrets have been known to work at the Large Hadron Collider. A ferret called Nibbler helped install the wiring in the collider. And the third truth is that Grumpy Gareth was a ferret who was so antisocial and aggressive he actually ended up in prison. He'd become a long-term resident at a Plymouth animal rehab centre because his antisocial behaviour made him difficult to rehome. So the animal centre gratefully accepted an offer to take him from Dartmoor Prison.

A spokesman from the animal centre said, I had a tour of the exercise yard. He'll have a huge place to run around in in an offer to take him from Dartmoor Prison. A spokesman from the animal centre said, I had a tour of the exercise yard. He'll have a huge place to run around in and maybe he'll learn the error of his ways. And that means, Sally, you've scored three points. Which brings us to the final scores. In fourth place, with minus nine points, we have Henning Vein. In third place, with minus six points, it's Sally Phillips.

In second place, with no points, it's Tony Hawks. And in first place, with an unassailable four points is this week's winner Holly Walsh. That's about it for this week. Goodbye. The Unbelievable Truth was devised by John Naismith and Graham Garden and featured David Mitchell in the chair with panellists Tony Hawks,

Henning Vane, Holly Walsh and Sally Phillips. The chairman's script was written by Dan Gaster and Colin Swash and the producer was John Nesmith. It was a random production for BBC Radio 4.